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Radical Acceptance, Sadness, and the parts of our story that stays · The Spiritual Shitshow Podcast

• 0:01
  Hello and welcome back to the Spiritual Shit Show.
• 0:03
  My name is Julie Nguyen and this podcast is my little part of the space.
• 0:11
  My goal is always to share in a way that's not only reflecting, healing and awareness for myself, but hopefully in the sharing will help you to also have an aha moment or a place to land.
• 0:29
  I've been reflecting a lot about where we are as a society and odd things.
• 0:34
  Like this morning I was out having my coffee and I was listening to the birds and I was feeling my feet on the cold cement and I was like, damn, I don't do this enough.
• 0:44
  This is living, having my senses attuned to the world, listening to the birds, the sun in my eyes, my feet on the cold cement, drinking coffee and being in stillness.
• 0:59
  Coming back to what it's like to be human.
• 1:02
  What is real?
• 1:04
  Really finding myself also wanting connection, like real connection.
• 1:09
  And the more I'm in the online space, especially in this podcast world, it feels like everything now has to be perfectly polished and everybody's an expert.
• 1:18
  And I like the, the deep, literal exhale of, I loved it when nobody really knew what was happening.
• 1:28
  But we did know laughter and we did know community, and we did know what a beautiful shit show our lives could be, and we found humor and growth and a grounded sense of stability in that.
• 1:43
  When I was thinking about what I'm doing here in this podcast land this morning.
• 1:50
  There are so many podcasts that I spend a lot of time recording and editing, and I just don't publish because I question if I'm just adding more to the noise that's already out there, and do I want to add to the noise?
• 2:04
  And upon reflection, I remember back in maybe the early two thousands and blogs were a thing and it was literally you're writing your diary for all to see, and it wasn't polished.
• 2:20
  it was what you were going through.
• 2:22
  And there is an attraction to that because there is honesty and vulnerability, and that is where I want to land.
• 2:32
  In recording this, my podcast doesn't need to have a lot of followers and listeners, like back in the early two thousands, you just kind of did it.
• 2:42
  You, you wrote and you shared, and you expressed, and you participated in life in a way that if somebody read it again, maybe they had an aha moment or, or maybe by reading the blog they were reminded of their own humanity.
• 2:59
  If you are new to the podcast, always know that the content may be triggering because it's honest material.
• 3:06
  and I'm definitely gonna be using explicit words.
• 3:09
  So here's your warning, and today feels like a very honest episode for me.
• 3:15
  I'm just sharing where I am right now in real time in my process, and I don't have everything figured out.
• 3:22
  It's actually feels like, the more I know, the less I know, but I've noticed something in my own life that I just feel curious about, especially today, and that curiosity feels important enough to share.
• 3:37
  As I share.
• 3:38
  I'm always deep diving, obviously, into this work, into myself.
• 3:43
  Curiosity, what's inside?
• 3:45
  Curiosity.
• 3:46
  Why am I triggered by this?
• 3:48
  Curiosity?
• 3:49
  Why is this here?
• 3:51
  What does it mean?
• 3:53
  What does it need?
• 3:55
  A big part of my personal journey has been healing what has felt like a deep rupture early in my life.
• 4:01
  And as I share this, I'm always hesitant about sharing my own personal experience because.
• 4:09
  There's a little bit of fear inside that it's gonna feel like too much or I fear, people saying get over it already, or fear that it's me being in the victim mode, but it's something really real inside of me.
• 4:23
  it's really a true part of my story and.
• 4:28
  Something that my entire life has really felt the ripple effects of.
• 4:35
  So it's not about being a victim of the experience.
• 4:39
  Today's share is just noticing how this rupture has really, truly made an impact in my life.
• 4:48
  And a huge part of me loves this idea that on a soul level, I chose this for a bigger lesson.
• 4:55
  And then the human part of me is like, and it fucking sucks and it's hard.
• 4:59
  And I still feel the sad, I still feel the ripple effect from it all these years from my entire life.
• 5:07
  I don't remember too much of the story being that I was only three years old, but I do remember sitting in the back of my mom's car and I do remember how the window had frost on it when we got in.
• 5:24
  And I do remember oddly.
• 5:27
  The dew that was on the grass.
• 5:32
  I remember sitting in the backseat with my brother, who was a baby at the time, and I remember my mom getting out of the car, walking up the stairs, knocking on the door, asking for my little friend who she was carpooling.
• 5:53
  That day, that morning for us to go to school.
• 5:56
  And I remember the mom coming to the door.
• 6:01
  I remember the smile, I remember the hold on and her leaving to go get her son.
• 6:08
  And then I remember my mom falling backwards and landing on that very dewy grass.
• 6:16
  I remember screaming.
• 6:19
  I remember.
• 6:21
  My friend's mom running out the look of horror on her face, coming back out with a blanket.
• 6:30
  I remember the fire truck first and then the ambulance loading up.
• 6:37
  My mom.
• 6:38
  And then taking her away.
• 6:41
  I remember the more that I screamed, the more that my brother screamed.
• 6:47
  And I remember eventually them coming to the car after the ambulance has gone and getting us out of the car.
• 6:56
  I remember not knowing what has happened.
• 7:01
  In being entertained at my friend's house that day with his older brother teaching me how to write the number eight, he made it as a snowman.
• 7:13
  I don't remember much of my mother, but I do remember that day And oddly, I remember her funeral.
• 7:26
  Because I remember that even at three years old, I was born stubborn and I didn't wanna sit in the chair.
• 7:35
  Our church it was an updated church, so there was individual chairs with, the kneeler on the back.
• 7:44
  And I remember I sat on the kneeler as a chair peeking through observing a church full of people and my grandfather standing next to me, he's really tall and stoic.
• 7:59
  This rupture the loss of a mother.
• 8:06
  Has been such a ripple effect in my life, and I think for a long time, I believed that healing, it meant overcoming the pain, like trying to resolve it or find some peace around it, or fix it or transcend it or find the lesson.
• 8:26
  I have prayed so many nights for that ache to dissolve, for the sadness to feel complete, for the story, to feel finished.
• 8:39
  But what I'm beginning to experience is something a little different instead of overcoming the sadness I'm wondering if the invitation might actually be just to fully accept it, and then I question, have I fully accepted it?
• 8:53
  When something feels uncomfortable in our lives, our instinct is to find the remedy for it, to find something that makes the discomfort go away.
• 9:07
  Join the group, learn the tool, read the book, listen to the podcast, create a podcast.
• 9:15
  Shift the mindset, reframe the thought, be sad, but move on.
• 9:20
  and then you always hear, let it go and find gratitude or look at all the good things that you have in your life.
• 9:25
  It, it feels like it dismisses the, yeah, but.
• 9:30
  I still feel sad and today I am curious of what if the remedy is to simply allow it to exist?
• 9:39
  One of the questions that has come up for me is, will there always be a sadness in me?
• 9:45
  My mom passed away 44 years ago, and I still remember it, and I still feel the effects of it.
• 9:56
  I don't know what it feels like to have an unconditional motherly love in this lifetime.
• 10:02
  I don't have.
• 10:04
  Literally any maternal figures in my life, there is nobody in my family that shows up as that person.
• 10:17
  I don't know what it's like to call a family member, especially a female family member, to come and help.
• 10:25
  With the baby or to give me advice in my marriage or just somebody to land within to have that built in person.
• 10:36
  The person you call when things feel hard, that person who is just your person.
• 10:43
  and even as an adult knowing and landing in what a beautiful life I have.
• 10:51
  There are moments where I feel the absence of that kind of support.
• 10:57
  Sometimes I notice it in very specific moments.
• 11:00
  For example, when I'm around my husband's family.
• 11:04
  And his family is incredible.
• 11:08
  And there's moments where I feel like I'm on the outside looking in'cause it's not really my blood family.
• 11:14
  And, there's cultural differences.
• 11:17
  So there's many times where I'm in the family, but, not really.
• 11:20
  When I see how incredibly bonded they are, even though I'm super grateful that I am a part of this family, there's also a part of me that knows that this it's, but it's not mine.
• 11:36
  It's not my family.
• 11:38
  Or when my beautiful sister-in-laws are having their babies and I see how their mothers and their sisters show up.
• 11:48
  for them in their motherhood and supporting them, bringing food, offering care, helping, caring for the mother.
• 12:01
  I feel so much love, obviously, for this growing family and a quiet sadness that is so annoying to have to experience because it just pops up.
• 12:17
  I get sad that I didn't have that experience and I did motherhood on my own, and that feeling still exists even now.
• 12:29
  I think for a long time I believe that if I truly healed that the sadness would no longer be there and that it would disappear completely.
• 12:37
  But today I am wondering if healing doesn't always mean the absence of sadness.
• 12:42
  Maybe sometimes healing means we can acknowledge the sadness without it defining our entire life.
• 12:50
  I have been incredibly blessed with beautiful friends and friends who are honest and vulnerable with their own stories, friends who.
• 13:01
  Have experienced rupture within their family systems, friends who have been honest about their childhood wounds, friends who come from immigrant families and are navigating still the, the ripple effects of coming from war and being an immigrant and, having English as their second language and the pressure, the expectations, the sacrifice.
• 13:27
  Still triggered, sometimes still processing, sometimes still touched by the past sometimes.
• 13:34
  And sometimes we laugh about it and sometimes it's just nice to have a friend that you can call and say everything is really good and I am also really sad right now.
• 13:46
  And they can say.
• 13:48
  I know, I get it.
• 13:49
  It's a pain that nobody understands and it's a pain that maybe not, it will never go away.
• 13:55
  And there's this part of us that's like, really, are we still working through this?
• 14:02
  Are we still feeling this?
• 14:03
  Why is this still here?
• 14:04
  Why can't I move on?
• 14:05
  And it can feel frustrating when something resurfaces that we thought we had already healed.
• 14:12
  It can feel embarrassing too.
• 14:14
  Like, why can't I get over this?
• 14:16
  Or why am I feeling sorry for myself right now?
• 14:18
  Like, gosh, I'm so pathetic, why can't I fully be happy?
• 14:22
  Why can't, and then it, then it's just guilt and shame and we can return to our coping habits, and it can feel discouraging.
• 14:33
  But what I am noticing in that many of us are quietly walking around with smiles on our faces while also holding pockets of sadness, and that is a part of life, and that is part of being human, I think sometimes.
• 14:49
  Before we move away from spaces that feel uncomfortable, there may be value in sitting in them for a moment, not forever, not in a way that keeps us stuck, but long enough for the emotion to move through.
• 15:04
  And that's what I'm doing today.
• 15:06
  Like what If I can just sit with how I feel without judging it and accepting that this is part of my story, this is part of my heart.
• 15:17
  This is part of being human as I reflect upon this in my own life.
• 15:22
  I also think that social media has made it all so much more complicated because we are constantly exposed to images of perfect lives, perfect homes, beautiful families, seamless relationships.
• 15:33
  Everybody's an expert in something.
• 15:35
  There's a tool and a trick and a tip to get you through anything, and it can create the illusion that everyone else's life is simple.
• 15:44
  Nobody else has pain or sadness that everyone else has it figured out that everyone else is happy all the time.
• 15:49
  But I don't actually believe that any human has a perfectly smooth story.
• 15:55
  I think.
• 15:56
  I don't know, but I think every person carries something.
• 16:02
  Loss, change, disappointment, longing, questions, regret, uncertainty.
• 16:10
  Every single person is navigating something internally.
• 16:14
  And when we only see the polished versions of life or listen to those polished podcasts, it can disconnect us from what is actually true, which is that life is complex and complexity is not a problem.
• 16:30
  Complexity is part of being alive.
• 16:34
  Complexity is not a problem.
• 16:37
  Complexity is part of being alive So right now.
• 16:42
  I am giving myself permission to acknowledge that there are aspects of my story that still make me sad, and that's okay, and that sadness does not mean something is wrong, or that I am a victim.
• 16:56
  It does not mean that I am broken.
• 16:58
  It does not mean that I have failed to heal.
• 17:00
  It just simply means that something meaningful was lost and meaningful losses can leave meaningful imprints.
• 17:10
  The journey that I've prayed to understand the lessons of radical acceptance, radical forgiveness, it's something that I am still exploring, and radical acceptance does not mean approving of what happened.
• 17:25
  It does not mean pretending everything was perfect.
• 17:28
  It does not mean bypassing the emotional impact of the past.
• 17:33
  What I'm learning is that radical acceptance simply means that this happened and this is part of my story, and I am allowed to feel how I feel about it without rushing to make the feeling disappear, or if it's something that I felt my entire life giving myself permission to say that is okay.
• 17:58
  Without believing that the sadness is a problem that must always be solved or that I am annoyed that I haven't gotten over it, because maybe the goal is not to eliminate every trace of sadness.
• 18:12
  Maybe the goal is to build a life that is full even when the tenderness or the sadness or the triggers are present.
• 18:22
  Maybe joy and sadness can coexist.
• 18:27
  Maybe gratitude and grief can exist at the same time.
• 18:31
  Maybe we can love our lives while still acknowledging the places that feel incomplete, the journey of a soul, if we look at it that way, which is how I like to look at it.
• 18:42
  It's layered.
• 18:44
  It includes moments of connection, moments of loss, moments of clarity, moments of confusion, moments where we feel deeply supported, moments where we feel alone.
• 18:55
  Our form, our life.
• 18:58
  Our human experience will include rupture.
• 19:03
  It will include contrast.
• 19:07
  It will leave a rippling effect.
• 19:10
  It will also include experiences that shape us.
• 19:15
  We are going to be human as long as we are in this physical form.
• 19:21
  I think many of us feel pressure to mask up, to hold it together, to appear strong all the time, to appear healed all the time, to not talk about the pains, to appear like we have moved past everything.
• 19:34
  But I think I'm understanding that strength does not mean the absence of feeling.
• 19:40
  That strength often includes the willingness to be honest about what is real.
• 19:45
  And I need to hear this every once in a while.
• 19:48
  So I am offering this out to you.
• 19:52
  Your pain story is not too much.
• 19:56
  Your sadness is not too much.
• 19:59
  It has not taken you too long to move through something.
• 20:03
  You are not behind.
• 20:05
  You are not failing.
• 20:07
  You are human.
• 20:09
  And actually, I want you to see how much you have overcome.
• 20:14
  Today I am simply sitting with curiosity.
• 20:19
  What happens if there is no remedy for this part of my story that I haven't really moved past it in 44 years?
• 20:28
  It keeps on showing up.
• 20:30
  More than likely, I will feel the ripple effect of not having a mother or anyone in my maternal side that I will feel I think, for the rest of my life and that is what I am learning how to land in, what happens if I accept it.
• 20:51
  That there's no medicine for it.
• 20:54
  There's no fixing it.
• 20:55
  There's no erasing it.
• 20:56
  There's no forcing transformation or peace, and what happens if I just allow it to exist?
• 21:05
  It's a part of my story.
• 21:07
  And then seeing what can continue to unfold from there.
• 21:12
  Maybe acceptance creates space, softens the resistance, maybe acceptance allows, love to move in new ways.
• 21:24
  Maybe acceptance allows life to feel more peaceful, even if every question is not answered.
• 21:33
  Every trauma is not healed.
• 21:36
  Your story, whatever it includes, is allowed to be complex.
• 21:41
  It is allowed to include beauty and sadness.
• 21:45
  It is allowed to evolve over time, and sometimes simply acknowledging what is true creates space for deeper healing than trying to force.
• 21:55
  Resolution.
• 21:57
  So this is where I am today and I don't have a perfect conclusion for this episode.
• 22:03
  This is simply where I am right now.
• 22:07
  Curious, open, honest, learning to allow, wondering what it's like to integrate all of it.
• 22:19
  And trusting because my life has proven thus far that something meaningful can grow even from the parts of our story that still feel tender.
• 22:31
  And then I wanna share that there are so many of us walking around with open hearts holding both gratitude.
• 22:38
  Quiet pockets of sadness and both are allowed to exist.
• 22:43
  Both are a part of life.
• 22:46
  Both are part of being human.
• 22:50
  Thank you for listening to my story.
• 22:53
  Thank you for allowing me to share in a way where all of it can be present and all of it can exist.
• 23:01
  and maybe this episode today allowed you to anchor into the center.
• 23:08
  Of what is a beautifully complex journey and a reminder that we are all in this together.
• 23:17
  I am sending out so much love, so much tenderness for the human heart and honoring you and all that you have experienced gone through.
• 23:34
  Held healed or accepted.