Latest / UNCOACHED / Building Confidence and Mental Toughness in Youth Athletes
Transcript
- Brad: Welcome to Uncoached, a podcast for volunteer coaches and parents trying to figure out this youth sports thing as we go. Each episode, we keep things simple: five questions to talk about practical insights that you can actually use with your youth athletes. my guest is Coach Kristin Tullo, who's providing some outstanding content around mental performance systems. Technically, I think aiming towards hockey coaches, but from what I've seen uh, the insights really fit about any sports uh, and anybody that's, that's coaching youth athletes. Um, She's got a great mantra, "Think strong, play strong," and I'm very excited, Kristin, to have you here. So uh, maybe I'll let, turn it over to you, and if you give me a little bit about your background and, and talk to me about what led you down this social media path and these things that you're doing. Kristin Tullo: Awesome. Thanks so much, Brad. So I started out as a coach, like probably most of your, your guests do. I coached for a little over 10 years on the bench, in the weight room, and I kept coming back to this one thing that kept coming up, and it was that what was missing and what was making these kids and these athletes so emotional about their game was that it was their mindset, right? It wasn't that they didn't have the skill. It wasn't that they weren't strong enough. They just didn't have the mindset skills that are needed in sports. So I kind of put this all together after hundreds and probably thousands of conversations with athletes, parents, coaches, and said, "I wanna get away from the bench and a little bit out of the weight room with the athletes and start working on what's really triggering all these things." And then from there, started working more with coaches too because as we all know, it kind of starts at the top, and once the coaches are really comfortable with systems and understanding the mindset skills, it trickles down into their athletes. So that's where I am now. Brad: cool. It's so cool because, you know, I think as a coach you get caught up in the let's coach the physicality, let's coach the skills, those things. Obviously that's a, a large chunk of things. But Kristin Tullo: Mm-hmm Brad: I've, I've even learned that maybe over half of what you really need to be focused on is some mental side of things. Because if you don't have your athletes telling themselves that they can do this or overcome, you know, an obstacle that gets presented to them, you're, you're n- the athlete's gonna shut down, whether they're the top performing athlete or not. And so I think it's very impressive what you're doing out here, and I love it Kristin Tullo: I appreciate that, and it's so true. I think you tapped on to something that I really like people to hear. It's not that it's the least talented athlete that's struggling with their confidence. Oftentimes, it is the most talented or the highest scoring athlete that still really struggles maybe just a little bit more quietly than, than you would assume Brad: For sure. Yep. I, excited about this conversation. So let's start out with our first topic here. So there's a lot of youth athletes that seem to struggle with confidence. From your perspective, is there something that's creating confidence problems in sports right now specifically that you would put your finger on? Kristin Tullo: I mean, I think we all know one of the biggest parts is gonna be social media stats, playing time. Those are the three things that I see most often when I'm talking with athletes and what they're-- If I just ask them a question, it always comes back to something they saw on social media that they sh- think that they should be doing, or they didn't score in a game. So it all comes back to the result as opposed to the effort, and I think that unless the parents and the coaches are also helping enforce the fact that, like, we don't care if you score five goals or zero goals um, it's, it's, it's how you are playing, right? It's the effort that you're giving, the attitude that you're bringing. So surrounding your confidence with things that I always like to say are out of your control are-- is really gonna impact what we're seeing out of these athletes. Brad: Yeah, and it you touched on something I didn't, I didn't know that you would go there, but like the comparison thing, right? Comparison is a thief. If you're always just comparing yourself to what you're seeing out there. You know, I, I tell my kids, "What you see on, in the social world, that's somebody's best," right? Kristin Tullo: Mm-hmm Brad: gonna put out the amount of work that's gone in behind the scenes or the struggles necessarily. You're seeing somebody at their very best, and so constantly comparing yourself to the best gonna just bring you down, right Kristin Tullo: Yeah. And then assuming that you need all of those things in order to have confidence. So one of the easiest ways for me to always express this to my athletes and coaches is if I came onto your podcast right now, and I'm just kind of like really, like shrugged down, and I can't even make eye contact with you, and I'm just like kind of not knowing what I'm doing, th- that would show you that I'm, don't have any confidence, right? I've never spoken to you prior to this conversation. We've never talked about what we're gonna be talking about here to any sort of extent. I have confidence because I'm, I'm prepared. I know what I'm going to be, going to be speaking about because it's what I know, it's what I love, and that's how athletes have to go into every game, right? You need to walk into those games with confidence knowing you put in the time during practice, you've prepared yourself for this moment, and use that to build your confidence rather than waiting for the confidence to come Brad: Yeah, and, and to keep that mental voice in their head telling them that you've done this before, just stick with what you know and, and keep it up, right? Kristin Tullo: Exactly Brad: So do you think parents and coaches sometimes accidentally make athletes more anxious or fearful without even realizing it? Kristin Tullo: Absolutely, yes. And it's a tricky kind of topic to talk about, I think, because it's not to anyone's fault, right? I'm a parent. I have-- My kids are young though, so they're still only four and one so they're not in the thick of things. We all want what's best for our kids. Sometimes we don't know what, what that looks like exactly. We, as adults, sort of link success and fun together, and then that's how we project onto our athletes, right? So we want the best for them, and that might look like winning games, scoring lots of points winning the championship, and if that doesn't happen, parents especially are really vocalizing that in the stands after the game, in the car ride home, and they're placing blame on other things like the refs, the officials, the other team. It was not fair. This wasn't fair. That's not fair. So inadvertently, your child is sitting there, and they're just like feeling anxious about all of these things because now they're like, "Well, no matter what I do at practice, it doesn't matter because if it comes down to blaming someone else, it's on them." So I feel like the loud parents, they're-- they don't mean to be instilling fear and anxiety in their athletes, but it's 1,000% happening, unfortunately Brad: for sure. And, and I know you're, you're in a hockey environment. I grew up playing hockey as well. maybe not to the level you did, but I played a, a little bit in college myself. But it's like sports where you're in these tight arenas, whether it's hockey, basketball, volleyball, those parent voices are even louder than if you're on a football field or a soccer field because at least there's some distance between you and the play. Hockey's a little different. It's a little bit noisier. But I, I think y- you're spot on with the, the amount of vocal, you know, nonsense that comes out of the stands sometimes. I, I think it just hurts not even just your own child, but just everybody on the team, everybody in that environment itself too Kristin Tullo: Yeah, I mean, we can go into a million reasons why Sally's mom shouldn't be yelling onto the ice the way that she is, but it's also, it's-- The other part of this is, like, the consistency from coaches, I think, is also impacting the athletes. I've heard a million times from athletes, and just recently one of my athletes was talking about what her coach says and what her coach does are two very different things. So if you are telling your athletes that how they approach practice their productivity in practice, their attitude, their effort is going to help them gain more ice time, but they're not seeing that, it's affecting them, right? Whether you realize it or not, if you tell, if I say, "Brad, like, if you show up to practice and you look ready and you're doing this and you're doing that, and I'm telling you exactly what I need from you," and then you, I'm still not following up on my promise to you, I know that you're gonna go into the locker room and say like, "Well, but coach told me this is what I need to do, and it's still not helping me gain more ice time." So it's the consistency, too, that's kind of having a, a snowball effect along with these athletes. Brad: That, that's great. It's, it's like lip service. It's like the coach is just saying some things that might get that parent or that kid away from them at the moment, 'cause they don't really want to get into the, the nuts Kristin Tullo: Exactly. Yeah Brad: like, that's the advice is, is be transparent. You know, it might not feel good to that athlete in the moment, but I think if you're a little bit more transparent and be Kristin Tullo: Mm-hmm. Brad: them, that's gonna help them in the long run. It's gonna help you in the long run. Kristin Tullo: For sure. Yes, and, and if nothing else, it also makes the coach's job easier to kind of set those standards and then keep that consistent because then you won't have all of those emails after the game like, "Well, how come my kid didn't play X, Y, and Z minutes?" Because you already know, right? You set the expectations at the beginning of the season, and you follow through with that, and then you don't have to explain yourself. You're just kind of referring back to, "This is kind of what we talked about at our first meeting, and this is what I've seen from your athlete. They missed this practice, that practice without telling me, and that's why their playing time's not good." Right? So now there's no fear involved in communicating with your coach. You can... You feel comfortable having these conversations because there's no animosity built up. It's just straight through. Everyone's on the same page from the beginning. Brad: Yeah. And what you're saying too really is hitting like a moment in time for me. My, my son's nine. We're, we're playing a lot of baseball right now at the moment, and we've got some coaches that they preach, "Hey, let's have fun. Let's keep things light." But when it, when it comes down to the tournament that we're playing, Kristin Tullo: Uh-huh Brad: tight really quick because we're trying to win, we're trying to squeeze out as many hits. We're getting a little bit more, you know, if somebody makes an error, we get an eye roll or, you know, we get some yelling. So it's like you're saying, practice what you preach. We don't get a lot of the practice you know, as a result of the preaching. So Kristin Tullo: For sure. Brad: me. Yeah Kristin Tullo: Yep, and it's funny 'cause I'll hear from parents all the time too, like, about their kid was at a tournament, and they didn't get in, and this, that. And my first question is always, "Okay, but at the beginning of the season, did the coach say, like, everyone's gonna get to play the same amount of time?" And they're like, "Well, no." And I'm like, "Okay, that's a conversation then that you have to understand with your athlete is, like, no one ever said it's gonna be even playing time and everyone's gonna get to play." So that's another thing that the, the coaches just have to make sure that they are, are clear on. Brad: Yeah, that playing time thing is tricky. I, I'm with you. I... And you're so spot on too, 'cause it's like you need to almost repeatedly, get into that mantra of, hey, it's, it's not equal, it is, it is earned, right? Like, you're Kristin Tullo: Mm-hmm Brad: fair with that playing time because people need to gain some experience in the game, but it it has to be earned. 'Cause if it, if the kids... I don't, I don't think. If the kids aren't trying to earn that and they don't have that as a goal in their mind, you know, kind of it takes away from the, the game and it takes away from the amount of work that they're putting in, right? That's a, that's a reward that they get, I think. Kristin Tullo: Yeah, it's part of, it's part of sports, right? Brad: Yeah, it should be. Yeah, I agree. So what's the biggest difference between athletes who recover quickly from mistakes versus the ones who tend to spiral and, and get in their own heads a little bit? Kristin Tullo: Well, I think the ones that understand that mistakes are part of the game are gonna have much more fun throughout the season and a lot more success. And what I feel like I run into a lot is a- athletes have such high expectations, right? And of course, at the end of the day, the goal is to score more points, more runs, whatever the case may be, to win the game. Everyone wants to win. I understand 100% that's why we play the game. I think you also have to understand that when you don't put the focus on just the result, you're going to see better results at the end of the day, in the long run, right? The athlete that misses the shot, throws their head back, spirals out, and now is constantly thinking about that for the rest of the game is obviously gonna struggle once the puck is back on their stick, and I know I'm gonna keep going back to hockey terms, even though you're mostly a, a baseball podcast. Brad: fits. It fits. What you're saying here Kristin Tullo: All right. Brad: sport, yeah Kristin Tullo: So that, that, that athlete's gonna struggle, right? They might be more hesitant and get rid of the puck. They don't wanna take that next shot. Where the athlete that understands that, like, "What happened happened. I'm moving on," they're not gonna feel that hesitation, or they're not gonna start second-guessing themselves. And when they have another opportunity, they're gonna be more likely to take it, and then they're going to see that they score more, more goals. So I feel like there's just a very interesting um, I guess, comparison of, of that because, like I said, high expectations but realistic expectations. So be okay with the mistake. Understand that it's the reset that's really going to be the difference maker. I don't care if you make 10 mistakes. I care if you make 10 mistakes and don't try for the 11th, and it's very cliché, but it's absolutely true Brad: Do you have any tips or tricks or some insights on what players could be doing to do that reset? Kristin Tullo: Yes. So that's like one of the main parts of my training that I do with my clients, my teams. You just have to acknowledge it, right? And then reset, right? So you wanna just focus on the next play. So I like to say like do something physical, take a deep breath. And I know most sports are very fast, fast-paced and you might not feel like you have that time, but there's always a moment, right? For hockey players, when you get back to the bench, if you still feel that, forget it. Understand that it happened. Don't, don't ignore it, right? We don't wanna just ignore things that are happening. It's always g- better to just acknowledge it and understand that it did happen. And then you just have to be able to say, "Okay, like my next shift, I'm going to do X." Right? You're already worried about the next or focused on the next moment. You're not thinking about what already happened. Brad: Yep Kristin Tullo: a physical, a physical reset, especially for hockey players. If I know for baseball players, I always say like your gloves, like tape... Yep, tape your gloves. For hockey players, I'll say like if you're on the bench, wipe the ice or the snow off your stick. Adjust your gloves. Do something that's gonna kind of trigger you to be, "Okay, I'm doing this because it's my mindset reset," and then get ready for the next shift. Give yourself a job so that when you get back on the ice, you're already ahead of the game Brad: Yeah. Well, don't give away too many tricks here. We'll, we'll, let's... People should check you out, right? It's it's what's your, what's your website? Thinkstrongplaystrong.com, and people can go check out a lot of your content here and get Kristin Tullo: Yep, for sure. I, I have a lot of free resources on there for coaches. Parents would find it helpful. Anyone, anyone involved in sports would definitely find it helpful. And again, like you kinda mentioned at the beginning, it's all geared towards hockey, but you can apply it to business, relationships, any sport Brad: Yeah, no, I, I think it's fantastic. And you um, you know, and I, I know we're talking about athletes resetting, but, like, my word of advice to coaches and parents is don't overreact when these, when these errors happen. Let them happen, and you almost teach your players and your kids to that when that error happens, they're actually learning. Like, I was so Kristin Tullo: Mm-hmm. Brad: of my daughter the other day. She made, you know, some mistakes in the soccer game, she came off, she said, "You know, I made, I made a, a bad pass. I kicked it right in the middle, and they scored a goal." I was like, "Yeah, I saw it. It's okay." And she's like, "Yeah, 'cause, you know, I, I made a mistake, but now I'm learning, right?" I was like, "Yes, you learned, 'cause now you're not gonna do that." And I was so happy. I was like, that's what I wish every kid understood is, yeah, you make a mistake, and it's a bummer, but let's move on from it and, and take it as a moment where you just learned something very, very valuable Kristin Tullo: Exactly. That's awesome. I love, I love hearing that Brad: Yeah. It, it was, it was a good proud, like, dad moment, not even, not even coach moment. Kristin Tullo: Yeah. Brad: so in youth sports today, there's so much pressure around performance, the rankings, travel teams. You mentioned social media already. we help kids stay competitive without making their sport feel overwhelming? Kristin Tullo: I think you just touched on that a little bit too when you mentioned, like, the coaches can't make a huge deal out of, out of mistakes, right? So we've hit it already, but it's kind of focusing more on the effort, right? You wanna inspire your athletes to wanna show up. You don't want your athletes dreading practice because if you mess up in practice, oh, this is gonna happen, right? We wanna make sure that everyone's having fun. At- that's what it is at the end of the day, and when you're having fun, you play a little bit more loose, and then it's easier to see the good things come from that Brad: Yes, and I'd love your perspective on this because I always think about, you know, the stuff I'm gonna ask you, but I wanna know what, what I would say too, obviously. Um, But I think for me it's to keep them that, that perf- you know, taking pressure off. In my mind, it's actually giving them a break away from the sport. You know, I don't know if it's, if it's a month, it's a couple weeks, but it's something where, hey, let's get away from this and just come back to it fresh in a little bit. Where do you stand on this idea of y- maybe don't call it seasonality, maybe you will, but what is, what are you thinking about, like, get- taking a break from that sport, not doing something year-round? Kristin Tullo: I think it's so important, right? In business, we call it, like, mental health days, right? Everyone feels good after you take a day off and recharge, right? My s- my son, he's, he's four years old. He goes to daycare every day, and on Saturday, me and him were going for a walk in the morning, and he said, "I like school, but I do so much at school every day, and I'm happy that it's Saturday and I get to rest." And I was like, "Yeah, everyone needs to rest," right? We don't go to work, we don't go to school on Saturday and Sunday, and then we feel better. And then he woke up today, we're recording this on a Monday, and he woke up and he said, "I'm so excited to go to school today." And it's like he needed those two days just away from his teachers, out of the classroom, away from his his classmates. And we're all the same, right? Whether you're four years old in daycare or you're 16 playing baseball, everyone deserves to kind of have that sit back, kind of reflect, recharge, whatever you wanna call it. And in the long run, you'll be so much better for it. So I, I think everyone needs to take some time off Brad: Okay. I love it, and like my spirit animal, 'cause Kristin Tullo: Yeah. Brad: your 40s like I am, you need those days to, to Kristin Tullo: Right? Brad: you can get back into the, Kristin Tullo: E- exactly. Brad: your, your work days. So that's that's awesome. Very awesome. All right. So what are some simple things volunteer coaches and parents of youth athletes can do that could genuinely help them build confidence in youth athletes? Kristin Tullo: So I, again, let's go back to preparation. Um, Taking control of what you can control is a big thing that if anyone follows me on social media or follows anything that I ever have posted on my website, it's taking control of what you can control. Um, And that's gonna lead to more confidence and better focus. So if we made two lines right now, two columns, and said to your athletes, and any coach can do this with their teams, right? It doesn't matter what, what caliber coach or team you're, you're working with. It kind of helps you understand where their mindset is, and then helps you direct them to where it should be. So volunteer coaches just go through at the beginning of the season like, "What do you think you can control this season? What do you think you can't control?" And then we forget the can't control completely, right? We can't control the weather, the ice conditions, who's the umpire, who our opponent is, who's pitching that day, who's in goal that day. It's a waste of our time and our energy, and we're gonna let it affect how we perform. So you forget all those, and you only focus on what you can control, and that's your preparation, your focus, your effort, your attitude. And those are all of the things that coaches would do a huge service to themselves as coaches and to their athletes by really, really putting a, a focus on in any upcoming season. I think the changes that they would see from their teams would be significant if that's where they just kind of started, started from. And then, like, like I said, once you start taking care of that, the results are going to come Brad: You, yeah, and you mentioned the beginning setting a foundation, 'cause I, I wrote down an answer to this and I, and I thought, you know, what I try to do is focus on fundamentals uh, keeping it very, very basic. You know, just from a, from a coaching perspective, or, or Kristin Tullo: Mm-hmm Brad: home. Get your kids really, really good at the f- at the fundamentals. I know I've talked about this a couple of times, but, and I know it's boring stuff, but it's like if, if your kids have a base, have a foundation of the, the things that are necessary for their sport, whether it's stick ha- stick handling well and skating well, or dribbling and passing for soccer, whatever, whatever it is, if they're very good at that, they can always come back to that to give them confidence without trying to advance too quickly, where they're trying things that, that maybe are out of their skillset at the moment in time, you know? Kristin Tullo: Absolutely Brad: So bonus question, all right? So we, we uh, very good conversation here, but I've got a bonus question here. I know I, I say five, but I always sneak in a sixth one here. Do you remember something a coach said or did when you were a youth athlete playing that affected you positively or negatively, that, that you maybe still remember today, and maybe it's helping to drive some of the, the work you're doing today? I don't know Kristin Tullo: It's a very good question. It's been many years since I played f- competitively for a coach. But I ca- I can't think of something off the top of my head, but I do remember um, this actually impacted me, and I still think about it, and I think I do apply it to a lot of my thinking when I'm working with, with coaches. I had it was senior year. Senior year of high school, I broke my nose playing soccer, and I remember we were getting ready to go into playoffs, and we were at- or a s- it was a states game, and one of the coa- one of the parents, rather, told my coach that they were like, "Tulo shouldn't play because she's gonna be too hesitant to play because she's scared she's gonna get hurt again." No one ever had a conversation with me asking if that's how I felt. I had never voiced that to anyone. This was just a parent who had influence over the coach saying that for whatever benefit to them. And I remember catching wind of that and just being like, "This is my first experience of, like, a parent and a coach kind of almost, like, teaming up against one of the athletes." And there, again, there was never a conversation had with me until later on when I, when I kinda did ask, like, you know, "I was, I was playing X, Y, Z minutes. How come all of a sudden in a huge game I'm not playing as much?" Like, "Oh, well, you know, it's because you were injured." And I feel like that did impact me from then, and, like, still, like I said, it's kind of something that I always kind of laugh about just because it, it goes to show, like, the communication barrier that, that there can be between coaches and athletes is... can be detrimental, right? No matter what, it can affect w- we'll say confidence of an athlete. And I don't remember what happened after that game. I've pretty poor, poor memory, but I just remember being like, "That was a, that was weird." Brad: Very But Kristin Tullo: so that w- Brad: with you, right? So it, it's Kristin Tullo: Exa- Brad: it Kristin Tullo: exactly. Brad: little bit, yeah. Kristin Tullo: Yeah Brad: Well, I'll, I'll give you a hockey example. So when I first started playing, I couldn't get my slap shot off the ground to save my life. I was a defenseman. I could not get that thing off the ground. It was just a really low screamer always. Couldn't get it up in the air. And I was just complaining and complaining to my coach at the time. I said, "I can't do it. I just can't get it up. I, you know, I, I just can't figure out how to do this." And he literally just looked at me and said, "Throw the word can't out of your vocabulary right now." You know, it, probably didn't use those, that nice of Kristin Tullo: Yeah. Brad: like, "Oh, okay." You know, so that, that, just that mentality kinda stuck with me. I've even used it with my own kids. Like, "Hey, let's not say can't," right? "Let's just try to figure out a way or we're gonna keep trying and let's flip that from a negative to a positive a- and try to do it that way." So kind of a unique example there I, I still use today Kristin Tullo: Yeah, I love that. And so it's impressive that, that he would say that, 'cause I know you're, you're probably around the same age as me, and I feel like there wasn't too much of, of that kind of almost like mindset conversation back then of, "Well, don't use that word in your vocabulary 'cause then you'll never be able to do it." Brad: Yeah. I, I don't know if he quite said it as nicely as I did. It was Kristin Tullo: Right, right. Brad: of a, an aggressive, "Hey, don't say can't." But, Kristin Tullo: Yeah. Brad: in my mind I'll, I'll always remember it as a, as a, positive moment to, Kristin Tullo: Exactly Brad: pushing forward. All right, Kristin, well, I, I promised to only keep it to, to five questions, and I snuck the bonus in there, so thank you so much for your time. please tell the viewers where they can go to find your content, because I love what I see that you're doing out there. I watch everything that you do, and I, I would highly encourage that anybody who's listening or watching the podcast here do the same. So please let us know where we can go Kristin Tullo: Yeah, I appreciate that. On Instagram I'm @coachkristintullo, that's K-R-I-S-T-I-N. Thinkstrongplaystrong.com. I also have a playbook that you can download on there. It's a full system for coaches that they can use repeatedly throughout however long that they coach for. And a lot of other free re- resources that are out there as well. And if anyone ever has any questions I'm always happy to, to answer a DM or an email and kind of work anything out with these coaches. 'Cause they're doing, they're doing a lot of work so it's important to k- make sure that they're feeling good too. Brad: For sure. Well, well, I, I appreciate your time, and thank you for the insights you shared here. Look forward to see, see where your social media presence goes. It's a, it's an exciting time Kristin Tullo: Thanks, Brad Brad: So if this episode helped you out, share it with another coach or parent who's figuring things out too. You can find Uncoached and this episode wherever you listen to podcasts. You can watch the episode on YouTube, and make sure to follow The Coaching Dad on Instagram, TikTok, or Facebook. We'll see you next time on Uncoached