Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / 209. Trapped in CHAOS: When an Affair Turns Into Fear, Control & Silence

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209. Trapped in CHAOS: When an Affair Turns Into Fear, Control & Silence · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

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  Speaker 1: Apologie Production. I need your advice. Are you okay? What happened?
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: Promise it won't be too much. Bring it in. Welcome
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: to our Bestie segment. This is the place for you.
• 0:27
  Speaker 2: Welcome back to another episode of our Best the Advice Segment.
• 0:30
  Speaker 2: This is our favorite time of the week. I love
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  Speaker 2: it absolutely fun. This one is a little bit of
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  Speaker 2: a distressing submission, A little bit chaotic, a little bit yes,
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  Speaker 2: should we get into it?
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  Speaker 1: Yes? The title is trapped in chaos when an affair
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  Speaker 1: turns into fear, control and silence goodness. Just remind yes,
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  Speaker 1: and just a reminder. These are completely anonymous. We have
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  Speaker 1: no idea who's written it in. If you want bestI advice,
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  Speaker 1: we'll lead the link out description box, or just come
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  Speaker 1: into our DMS and we'll send it through there. Hey, ladies,
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  Speaker 1: I need best the advice now more than ever. A
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  Speaker 1: long time ago, I had an affair on my husband.
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  Speaker 1: I told them the true and we worked on us.
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  Speaker 1: The thing is the man that I had an affair
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  Speaker 1: with that promised me the world at the start, and
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  Speaker 1: I did fall in love with him. We both have
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  Speaker 1: children and he is still living with his fiancee. Oh
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  Speaker 1: here's a problem. He won't leave me alone. He's very manipulative,
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  Speaker 1: He's a narcissist, and he is an awful man. If
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  Speaker 1: I try and cut contact, he will threaten me, call
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  Speaker 1: me all the names under the sun. He's absolutely destroyed
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  Speaker 1: my mental health to the point that the only way
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  Speaker 1: I can escape him is to not be here. He
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  Speaker 1: verbally abuses me and physically abused me. Also, I'm genuinely
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  Speaker 1: stuck in the state of darkness, scared and feeling so alone.
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  Speaker 1: My kids mean the world to me, and he knows this,
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  Speaker 1: which he uses to advantage of threats. I don't know
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  Speaker 1: how I would stand going to the police because of
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  Speaker 1: the communication on both ends, which he knows. When he
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  Speaker 1: threatens me, Ira respond and the cycle begins. My husband
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  Speaker 1: doesn't know that I still have contact with him, and
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  Speaker 1: if you found out, I would get kicked out and
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  Speaker 1: lose my house, my security, and potentially my children. Please,
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  Speaker 1: any advice, big or small is appreciated. I'm a woman
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  Speaker 1: that doesn't see a way out. The scary thoughts that
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  Speaker 1: run through my mind is very overwhelming. Holy, you were
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  Speaker 1: in a really tough situation. Oh my goodness, I don't
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  Speaker 1: even know where to start on that.
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  Speaker 2: I just can't even imagine how that feels emotionally, Like,
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  Speaker 2: obviously to have an affair is one thing, but then
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  Speaker 2: the physical, emotional abuse all of it and then to
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  Speaker 2: feel stuck in between two worlds is really hard.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm really curious the threats what they potentially are,
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  Speaker 1: because would your husband still leave you if he knew
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  Speaker 1: he was just threatening you because you're not still having
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  Speaker 1: sex with him, or like encouraging him to contact you
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  Speaker 1: like these are I'm guessing quite bad threats. I would
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  Speaker 1: imagine your husband would want to protect you from that,
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  Speaker 1: and protect the children from that, and actually stand up
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  Speaker 1: for you and take a stance. That's where my mind
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  Speaker 1: went too.
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  Speaker 2: So before you had said my husband doesn't know I'm
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  Speaker 2: still in contact, my question was going to be does
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  Speaker 2: your husband know about the affair I told him?
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  Speaker 1: She said at the start? She told him yeah, yeah, okay, yeah.
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  Speaker 2: So that to me, I'm like, that seems like something
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  Speaker 2: that if you were to stay open with him about
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  Speaker 2: and communicate with him, I think that would create more
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  Speaker 2: trust with him. Obviously, because it's gone on for a
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  Speaker 2: little while now, there's obviously it's going to be a
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  Speaker 2: bit jarring for him, but also if it's your safety
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  Speaker 2: and the children's safety at hand, he would want to
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  Speaker 2: know because those.
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  Speaker 1: Are his children too.
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  Speaker 2: Yes, right, And also, yes, there's been a level of
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  Speaker 2: betrayal there, But it's not like you're choosing to stay
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  Speaker 2: or continue talking to him because you want to continue
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  Speaker 2: having an affair. No, by the sounds of it, it's
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  Speaker 2: because he's threatening you and you feel scared feel safety.
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  Speaker 2: So I think I don't know the first thing that
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  Speaker 2: I feel like I would do in your situation, and
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  Speaker 2: this is a huge assumption by the way, I feel
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  Speaker 2: like I would want to go to my husband and say,
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  Speaker 2: this is what's happening, and.
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  Speaker 1: I would even preface it with, like what I'm going
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  Speaker 1: to tell you. I'm telling you because I'm literally scared
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  Speaker 1: for my own life. I'm scared of what this person's
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  Speaker 1: going to do, and I'm also really scared of my
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  Speaker 1: own intrusive thoughts because I feel so out of control. Yeah,
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  Speaker 1: like preface it like that's the honest truth. You literally
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  Speaker 1: don't see a way out of this. So I'm coming
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  Speaker 1: to you because I need your help.
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  Speaker 2: Yes, and pre framing it as what I'm about to
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  Speaker 2: tell you is going to be big, So I would
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  Speaker 2: really appreciate if you can just hold the space and
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  Speaker 2: just listen if you can, I would really appreciate that
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  Speaker 2: so that I can just get everything out because I
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  Speaker 2: don't know how this is going to come out.
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  Speaker 1: It's going to be really messy and I can't hold
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  Speaker 1: it anymore. Yeah, Like it's literally killing me inside and
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  Speaker 1: I'm scared for my safety. And then from there, one
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  Speaker 1: hundred percent the police. I feel like you don't have
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  Speaker 1: a choice there. You need to be protected. I'm not
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  Speaker 1: sure either too, but part of me be tempted to
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  Speaker 1: tell the fiance as well. Is she in danger? Is
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  Speaker 1: she getting abused? Does she know what's going on? Yeah?
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  Speaker 1: Woman to woman, I think I would want to know,
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  Speaker 1: and I'd appreciate a woman coming to me to tell
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  Speaker 1: me what's happening. Yeah. I think more people need to
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  Speaker 1: know about it to hold him accountable to what he's doing. Yeah,
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  Speaker 1: and to stop this behavior before something bad happens. Yeah, absolutely,
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  Speaker 1: And I would be telling your husband.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, And again take this with a grain of salt,
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  Speaker 2: but like what seems like the thing to do would
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  Speaker 2: be telling your husband and then going to the police
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  Speaker 2: and getting an AAVIO on this man straight away, because obviously,
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  Speaker 2: if you have a lot of contact via text, phone calls,
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  Speaker 2: things like that, you've got a lot of proof as well.
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  Speaker 2: And if you have any proof of the physical abuse,
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  Speaker 2: use any marks or anything like that, I would recommend
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  Speaker 2: documenting all of it and putting it in a statement
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  Speaker 2: and getting an av against this person. I would be
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  Speaker 2: taking it to the police straight away. Me too, I've
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  Speaker 2: done this process before. You can get a temporary protection
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  Speaker 2: order put in place immediately from the moment you put
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  Speaker 2: a statement in. A temporary one goes into place before
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  Speaker 2: you go to court, and then from there then a
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  Speaker 2: long term one goes into place for five years.
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  Speaker 1: And can you not just block his number as well?
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  Speaker 1: I actually stop the contact, Like on your phone, you
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  Speaker 1: can actually block someone and then you can't even get
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  Speaker 1: in contact with you.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, but I imagine that would come the fear of him
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  Speaker 2: showing up to places that she goes, or if he
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  Speaker 2: knows where the kids go to school, could show up there,
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  Speaker 2: and if he's threatening the children.
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  Speaker 1: So even more teaching tell the husband.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, So I don't think blocking in that situation might
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  Speaker 2: not feel safe enough for her, you know, because she's like, oh,
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  Speaker 2: if I block him and I stop talking to him.
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  Speaker 1: What's he going to do? You did say in there,
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  Speaker 1: you're scared to go to your husband. He uses the
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  Speaker 1: threats against her because they've been in contact, but the
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  Speaker 1: sounds of it, the contact that you're having, is him
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  Speaker 1: abusing you. Yes, you've got nothing to hide, You've got
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  Speaker 1: nothing to worry about. You've actually got proof of him
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  Speaker 1: doing wrong, and you like not want any of this.
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  Speaker 2: The only way that I would imagine that he would
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  Speaker 2: have something over you is if you continued the affair
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  Speaker 2: after that and then that's something that you now have
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  Speaker 2: to own and then fear losing your husband over it.
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  Speaker 2: That's the only thing that I can think of as
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  Speaker 2: to why he would have something over you, unless there's
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  Speaker 2: more context of the story that we don't know about.
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  Speaker 1: I also don't think you would lose your children from
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  Speaker 1: having an affair. I don't know, but I don't see
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  Speaker 1: you're not harming your children. Well, I don't know how
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  Speaker 1: that works, but.
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  Speaker 2: I wonder because obviously she's told him about the affairs,
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  Speaker 2: so there's obviously broken trust and there's obviously a lot
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  Speaker 2: of betrayal there. So I wonder if this would be
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  Speaker 2: she feels it's like this is the nail and the
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  Speaker 2: coffin kind of thing for him.
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  Speaker 1: But then this set him over the end in court.
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  Speaker 1: How would that stand, like, Oh, you can't have access
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  Speaker 1: to the children because you've had an affair, Like, Yeah,
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  Speaker 1: I don't think that works like that. Yeah, if she's
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  Speaker 1: not endangering them and they're still safe with her because
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  Speaker 1: she's scared of losing custody of her children. I don't
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  Speaker 1: know because I have been through that, but I wouldn't
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  Speaker 1: think that would make you lose your children. Yeah. I
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  Speaker 1: wonder if it's like a finance this thing. Maybe losing
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  Speaker 1: finances and being kicked out of the house. Yeah, home
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  Speaker 1: to live in, not sure plays to take the children.
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  Speaker 1: Then the children would naturally go with the dad if
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  Speaker 1: he had more resources. True, but if they're married in
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  Speaker 1: the same home, he doesn't just get to kick her out. Yeah,
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  Speaker 1: as a workrate that either. Oh this is a tough one,
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  Speaker 1: really messy. But I think you definitely need to go
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  Speaker 1: to your husband and get protection. To go to the police.
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  Speaker 2: Biggest thing is getting some emotional support behind you. Having
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  Speaker 2: your husband there with you so that you're not going
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  Speaker 2: through this alone will help, and then having the police
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  Speaker 2: behind you will also help.
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  Speaker 1: To get.
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  Speaker 2: Obviously, this is a really sticky situation. I can't even
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  Speaker 2: imagine my sending is so much love. But I think
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  Speaker 2: even if there is more context behind the story, and
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  Speaker 2: there's some things that you maybe have left out, if
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  Speaker 2: there has been a continued affair or anything like that,
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  Speaker 2: the best thing that you can do in those moments
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  Speaker 2: is to just own your fuck up, own your mistake,
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  Speaker 2: own what you've done, and clean that up.
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  Speaker 1: First, because it's going to come out one day's going
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  Speaker 1: to come out. It's the better.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah. You can spin a light on a web all
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  Speaker 2: you want, but at the end of the day, people
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  Speaker 2: always find out.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, it will always come back to bite you in
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  Speaker 1: the arse. So do the right thing. Be brave.
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  Speaker 2: It's going to fucking suck, but it will be the
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  Speaker 2: best thing that you do because you will have owned
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  Speaker 2: your stake and at least that way, from that place,
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  Speaker 2: you can then choose who you want to be after that.
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  Speaker 1: And protect you and your children. Yeah, with whatever he's threatening, Absolutely,
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  Speaker 1: like that's your utmost priority right now. You need to
• 8:15
  Speaker 1: take action on that. Absolutely.
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  Speaker 2: You can wait around for absolutely, And you know this
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  Speaker 2: is a thing that people who are abuses, what they
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  Speaker 2: do is they will fearmonger you into doing exactly what
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  Speaker 2: they want.
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  Speaker 1: This is what he's doing.
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  Speaker 2: You still have choice in this, and you still have
• 8:29
  Speaker 2: space between you two, time to get away, time to
• 8:32
  Speaker 2: create space and create safety around you. And like, if
• 8:36
  Speaker 2: you believe in that, then you'll be able to create that.
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  Speaker 2: But so long as you stay fearful and almost like
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  Speaker 2: under this person's control, it's going to feel a lot
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  Speaker 2: harder for you to actually get out. Yeah, you're just like,
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  Speaker 2: you're very lucky that you're not actually living with him
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  Speaker 2: and in a relationship with him and being abused, because
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  Speaker 2: who knows what's happening to the wife.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, so true, fiance. If there's any more context or
• 8:56
  Speaker 1: other questions or if you need us to talk to, like,
• 8:59
  Speaker 1: we can definitely be here for you. Just pop into
• 9:01
  Speaker 1: our DMS or submit another submission. But really hope it helps,
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  Speaker 1: to really hope that you choose to take care of
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  Speaker 1: yourself and get protected becauld you deserve to be protected,
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: regardless of what's happened in the past. Your safety is
• 9:11
  Speaker 1: the most important.
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  Speaker 2: And if you need to change phone numbers, do all that,
• 9:15
  Speaker 2: do everything every protective measure that you possibly can, because
• 9:18
  Speaker 2: unfortunately this is a very common thing when it comes
• 9:22
  Speaker 2: to relationships and obviously not your dynamic, but you know,
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  Speaker 2: abuse in relationships and things like that, so just be
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  Speaker 2: really careful.
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  Speaker 1: Safety is very important, it really is. We're sending you
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: so much love and you just reach out if you
• 9:34
  Speaker 1: need us. All right, guys, we'll see you on the
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: next one, See you tomorrow. Bye.