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Keeping the Flames Alive in Your Long-Term Relationship · Libido Lounge

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  Welcome to the libido lounge where we focus on all things love, lust, and libido.
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  We believe that fabulous sex is important to health as exercise and good food.
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  Hey everybody.
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  Welcome back to another episode of the lounge.
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  We're talking about novelty and, in monogamy, how to keep things hot and spicy and passion in
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  these long term relationships.
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  So novelty is something that we talk about in other episodes.
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  Right?
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  It's linked to that dopamine response.
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  And when it comes to keeping that passion, remember that we want to make sure we're
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  utilizing the hormones of passion.
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  Dopamine being one of the most important hormones, so creating that space, creating that
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  distance, doing the flirtation, the foreplay, making sure that there's actually time to miss
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  each other.
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  There's actually time to to remember all the things that you really love and care about each
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  other.
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  And like I talk about scheduling sex, remember that for most women, sex and libido is also
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  related to emotional intimacy.
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  So in addition to set scheduling sex, it can be valuable to make sure that we are scheduling
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  time every week to talk about whatever on our mind, to clear up things when they're little
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  things because you know that thing that can happen when you're talking to a partner and
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  you're maybe talking about one thing that bothered you, one thing that, you know, that
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  you wanted to talk about, and the next thing you know you're dumping the entire past six
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  months or a year of frustration.
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  Right?
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  So that can happen.
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  And when that happens, that typically is because all these things have built up over
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  time and haven't been talked about, but all these little things are oftentimes schedule
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  time once a week, once every other week to really talk about what's on our mind.
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  Remember, there's earlier episodes where I talk about things such as an episode twenty five and
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  twenty six of how to handle having these difficult conversations with a partner, how to
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  do that.
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  So we don't need to repeat recommend going back and listening to those.
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  But what I haven't said yet is making sure that you are setting time aside for these emotional
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  conversations.
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  So it's not building and festering.
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  So if it's like, wow.
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  That thing you said the other day, like, really hit me weird.
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  What did you mean by that?
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  Right?
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  And, like, asking questions like we talk about.
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  And when we do that, we wanna make sure that we're catching things and clearing the slate
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  and emptying the trash that is in our head so that it's not building up and building up and
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  building up and becoming a volcano of a release.
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  Right?
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  So it can really, really help to just schedule that emotional intimacy time as well, where
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  even if it's just an hour to clear the air about anything that happened over the past
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  week, I often find that it builds up and definitely would recommend not texting your
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  partner about whatever this kind of stuff is.
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  Like, this is these kind of conversations are best to have hopefully in person, but if you're
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  traveling or if something is difficult to talk, see each other then at least on the phone
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  because, obviously, so much can be lost in text even with some really good emoji use.
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  So we do wanna consider that, you know, as other important things.
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  So as far as thinking about how to keep things interesting, I we can break it down into
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  categories of people, places, things.
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  Right?
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  So these are ways to really think about how to mix things up.
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  So let's go through this one at a time.
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  Now most people I work with are long term monogamous couples.
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  So people there are people out there that really do fairly well with doing things like,
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  oh, when we're traveling, when it's time boxed, maybe in that very unique instance, maybe a
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  third partner is brought in.
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  Right?
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  That's for some people, that's not for others.
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  I find that people that it works well for are people that already have a ability to work
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  through jealousy that have talked about things in, you know, in advance and who are doing
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  things at a very, very where it's very specifically in a box where it's like, hey,
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  We're traveling to Spain.
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  We're gonna do this thing.
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  We meet this person.
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  We don't live in Spain.
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  So that is just a nice, beautiful, hot moment that we get to spice up our relationship with
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  that stays in its box labeled as Spain.
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  Right?
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  But for many people and most people that I work with, because it really are long term
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  monogamous couples that I work with, for most of them, it really oftentimes is not in the
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  question to do something like bringing in a third in these vacations or something of the
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  like.
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  So another way of sometimes making it interesting is very simple things, wearing a
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  wig.
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  Like, wearing a wig can really change things, role playing.
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  Right?
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  If you've never tried role playing, role playing can be totally awkward at the first
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  time that you are trying it, but it can also be really hot.
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  So another way of keeping it hot in monogamy is is doing and role playing can be going out and
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  having a cocktail and pretending you're a stranger at the bar.
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  Role playing can be done in the privacy of your own home, your own bedroom.
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  It can be done very elaborately with scenes and wigs and outfits.
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  It can be done very simply with just an idea and playing a character.
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  So this is where it becomes, like, super useful to have these kind of conversations, and the
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  conversation is like, what are your fantasies?
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  Right?
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  What are the things that you have fantasized about maybe that you've never told me?
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  If you if you could have sex with a famous actress, who would it be?
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  If you could have pick up a stranger in public, like, what type of stranger would it be?
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  Would it be a, you know, would it be somebody at a conference?
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  Would it be somebody at a sporting event?
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  Would it be a sports star?
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  Would it be, you know, a secretary?
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  I'm I'm saying some of these things that are very, cliche, but it doesn't matter.
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  The point is, like, it's not some of the answers may be cliche, some may be not be, but
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  that's not the point.
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  The point is, what is your partner's fantasy?
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  And then can you get into the hotness of role playing a scene out or a few scenes out of what
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  that might look like?
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  So that's a very easy way of not bringing another human, of creating this novelty with
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  the new person.
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  Remember, easy ways of creating novelty, think person, place, or thing.
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  And so an easy way of creating the person is to role play.
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  So plus you get to learn about new interesting fantasies of your partner, and it can be really
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  fun and really hot.
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  And if you bring the if you start this again, like, sometimes it can be awkward.
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  Sometimes it doesn't go, you know, correctly.
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  Somebody, you know, sometimes somebody steps slips.
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  Sometimes somebody falls out of their chair.
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  Like, things happen.
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  So the point is to have fun, to, you know, just almost have that that playful childlike energy,
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  and just be okay with however it turns out.
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  Maybe it's the hottest thing in the world.
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  Maybe it's not.
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  But regardless, even if you try something and it doesn't work out and you can both go into
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  this with, like, wow.
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  How amazingly cool is it that we are exploring this together.
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  Right?
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  How freaking cool is it that we're exploring this together?
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  The more that you can do that, that opens up this whole world of novelty.
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  Okay.
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  Then we have places.
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  So places are another way to think about novelty and passion and bringing new things in
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  the in the the the the context of your sexual life.
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  So you can definitely do things like having sex at, you know, in public places, in the woods,
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  when you're on a high, hiking back deep into the woods, you know, airport bathrooms.
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  Right?
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  There's a lot of different ideas you can do publicly, and and those can be very fun.
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  Some people don't like that.
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  Some people think the idea of perhaps doing anything publicly and risking getting caught is
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  is just too scary, and that actually does negative things for their libido and their
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  safety.
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  So, you know, think about this, but this is another time to ask questions.
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  Right?
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  If you could have sex anywhere in the world, where would it be?
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  You might have an answer that's very difficult to, you essentially, the idea with this is,
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  like, you wanna get the conversation rolling.
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  Okay.
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  Well, realistically, that could be cool, but, for some people, probably not for me, but,
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  realistically, that could be very cool for some people, but that's not practical.
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  It's not gonna happen.
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  So then follow-up questions are things like, okay.
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  Well, within the context of what we can access sometime over the next month.
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  Right?
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  Where would be the most biggest fantasy of some place that we could have an intimate moment
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  together?
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  And if, you know, and if you like the idea of being in public, but you're scared of getting
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  caught, maybe, you know, you do something in public at, you know, like, in the woods or in
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  the airport bathroom or wherever, and you just leave your clothes on, and you're just enjoying
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  foreplay.
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  Right?
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  Even that, somebody, you know, somebody opens the door, they're not catching you doing
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  anything that's, like, really a big deal.
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  So that can also be a way of enticing that.
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  Maybe it's just public foreplay.
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  Right?
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  Public hidden foreplay, you know, hopefully behind closed doors and that sort of thing.
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  But, you know, from that standpoint, beyond there, if places outside of your home doesn't
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  sound don't sound good, what places inside your home have you never never made love in?
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  Like, rooms, closets, chairs.
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  Right?
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  Different types of chairs, different places around your house.
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  Like, have you had sex?
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  Have you had an intimate moment in every single room in your house?
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  If not, you have a lot of places inside your house.
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  Also, even very simple things like going to hotels.
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  Going to hotels and making love in a hotel can really open up so much.
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  There's just so much new energy.
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  Right?
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  You don't have to leave town.
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  You can just go to whatever your local hotel is, whatever you can afford.
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  You know?
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  If it's super swanky, if it's not at all, like, whatever works into and and even if you can't
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  afford super swanky, sometimes going to some a little more grungy places for some people, that
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  can light up something libido wise.
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  So, again, this is your your journey.
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  It's like, you know, it's your choose your own adventure.
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  So that's places.
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  So things.
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  So things can be so many different things.
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  So we talk about sex toys and massagers and and those sorts of things on here, and we've
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  already talked a lot about those.
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  We'll continue to talk about those types of things over the years.
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  So those are examples of things.
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  Things can be different types of loo.
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  Things can be things in your kitchen, ice cubes.
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  Right?
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  What happens if you use an ice cube?
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  What happens if you use a glass dildo and you heat it up in the microwave or you cool it down
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  in the freezer?
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  Right?
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  Certain sex toys can be heated up or cooled down.
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  So what happens if you do that?
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  How does that feel?
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  You know?
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  How does it feel if you use whipped cream or chocolate sauce?
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  Some people love it.
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  Some people don't.
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  You know?
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  Is that interesting to you?
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  Again, asking a lot of questions.
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  Some people love being tied up.
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  Some people love tying other people up.
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  If you've never done it, like, it's an interesting thing to try.
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  Right?
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  Some people love the idea of of being whipped, like, with a with a crop.
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  Other people don't.
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  You know?
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  These are all choose your own adventure fantasies.
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  But sometimes we don't know for sure if we like things until we try them.
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  So, you know, you can ask questions like, what is the wildest sexual toy that you can ever
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  imagine bringing in the bedroom?
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  Would it turn you on if we did this?
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  Right?
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  The other thing with things are also, you know, thinking about different positions.
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  We could maybe put that in things, maybe put that in locations.
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  But different positions, even thinking about things, like, if you've never tried anal sex,
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  maybe you wanna try anal sex.
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  Right?
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  And so and some of those things are very interesting in research.
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  Like, we see that the most common age to start trying anal sex is in the forties.
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  And I think this is probably because people oftentimes have been together for a while.
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  They were looking for something new.
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  And it's a very different explorative experience to have anal sex versus vaginal sex.
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  Right?
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  It can open up a lot of different new sensations.
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  Right?
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  There's a lot of, like, this deep sense of letting go.
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  There's a lot of relaxing.
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  There's a lot of trust.
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  There's a lot of safety.
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  There's oftentimes a lot of foreplay that goes into this, warming the body up.
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  Right?
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  So there's so many things that go into this that can actually be very, very, very hot,
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  very, very, very sexy.
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  So we wanna make sure we consider all of these different types of things.
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  Right?
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  Could we do it a different position?
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  Could we try a different loop?
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  Have you ever had a mirror?
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  You know, have you ever had a mirror on your ceiling?
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  Have you ever had a mirror on the wall next to you?
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  Right?
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  All of these different things can add so many different layers.
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  And then, of course, you can combine them.
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  Right?
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  So now we can combine, maybe people and things.
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  So now all of a sudden you're you're role playing and you are using a new toy.
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  Right?
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  So the more if you think about people, places, and things and how many different diverse role
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  playing scenes or location scenes or different things you can bring in or different positions,
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  and you think about how many different combinations of these sorts of things there
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  are, we could probably come up with a pretty intimate number.
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  And it's just that so many times in these long term relationships, and it just it's like the
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  human tendency is to become a creature of habit.
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  We do what we know.
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  Oftentimes, we do what is normal and natural.
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  And really the way of of continuing that passion is to find things that are new.
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  And so I would encourage you to think about this and have this people, places, and thing
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  conversation with your partner around, like, what are your fantasies in these categories?
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  And if you do this well and you do this, you know, sometimes it's a fun date night.
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  Like, get a bottle of wine, have candles.
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  Even if you're, you know, in a situation with a lot of kiddos around, kiddos are in bed.
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  It's, you know, 09:00 at night.
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  Maybe you're tired, but have a glass of wine under candlelit and just have this sexy
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  conversation and get those juices.
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  And then whenever you decide what your next adventure is gonna be, then the idea is maybe
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  you're starting if it's a role play thing, maybe you're starting to get into character
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  here and there and and, you know, in these tiny moments.
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  Right?
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  Maybe you're talking about it.
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  Maybe you're flirting about it.
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  So it gives this sense even from a flirtation standpoint.
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  It's so often in long term relationships, we stop flirting with the partner.
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  So how do we begin flirting again when so much time has passed?
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  This is one way.
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  Right?
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  Because when we are finding this novel thing, it brings us together around like, oh, we can
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  talk about that thing that maybe is a little naughty we're gonna do later.
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  Right?
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  So it's it gives material.
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  Right?
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  It's it's easy in the beginning of relationship to flirt because there's so much new material,
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  but, you know, if you said so many of these flirty things before, it's almost it's so easy
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  in longer term relationships to just, like, feel like maybe you ran out of material.
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  Well, here's new material for you.
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  Person, place, thing.
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  What are the sexy things?
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  Now let's use this to build in that flirting, that builds in that foreplay, that builds in
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  that dopamine, that desire, all of that.
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  And that's one way of how we get our passion back in these relationships.
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  Of course, it takes two to tango.
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  Right?
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  So, of course, this only works if we have a partner that is, you know, willing to have this
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  person place conversation, you know, with you and create this.
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  But if you do, this is a total win because there's so many places that a sexual
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  relationship and an intimate relationship can go from here.
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  Okay, everybody.
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  I love talking about all this stuff.
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  It's been really fun to do another episode with you all, and make sure you do let your friends
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  know about all of this information and about this podcast.
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  And I look forward to hearing and seeing you in another episode.
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  Again, I'm doctor Diane reminding you to stay classy, stay sexy, and always be a little
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  badassy.
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  Thank you for listening to the libido lounge.
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  Please don't keep me a secret.
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  Please share this with your friends.
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  You can find me on YouTube, on Instagram, as well as how to work with me at mylibidodoc.com.