Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / 176. 🍷 Ho-Ho-NO: Drawing the Line With Family This Christmas

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176. 🍷 Ho-Ho-NO: Drawing the Line With Family This Christmas · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Appogie production.
• 0:11
  Speaker 2: Ooh if she rises. Twelve Days of Christmas.
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: Oh Ho Ho Mary, I wish I could sing I
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: love Christmas carols. Oh we should do it. No, you
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: guys don't want to hear me sing anyways. Welcome back
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: to twelve Days of Christmas. We are halfway day six oh,
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: and today's title is ho ho no no, no no no.
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: During the line with family this Christmas. It's tough with family,
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: isn't it? Because I feel like a lot of families
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: are brought up like blood is blood and you stick
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: by them no matter what. But I just have a
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: different opinion to that. I just don't believe it is.
• 0:46
  Speaker 1: If someone's not aligned with you or they're not respecting you,
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: you're allowed to have boundaries in place. But around Christmas,
• 0:51
  Speaker 1: there's this extra pressure to make everyone happy and to
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: do what everyone wants and bring everyone together, and at
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: cost of your peace, a cost of the awkwardness, a
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: cost of you feeling uncomfortable, and your whole Christmas day
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: is ruined because you're just trying to make everyone else
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: happy and keep the peace.
• 1:07
  Speaker 2: No, thank you, absolutely, Oh no.
• 1:09
  Speaker 1: I remember my Christmas are pretty small these days, and
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: my house is normally their house where everyone comes to
• 1:14
  Speaker 1: people that don't have family around. So though his mum's
• 1:16
  Speaker 1: in Germany and makes his families in Perth and Megan
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: Jared came around last year because their families and adelaide,
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: so our house is kind of the house where everyone
• 1:22
  Speaker 1: comes to. But growing up, I don't know, I just
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: didn't really love Christmas with my stepdad. I don't know.
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: We always feel like we were too much. He was
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: more worried about the mess over the memories. We were
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: too loud. It was like you were not grateful enough.
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: There was still the list of chores to do. It
• 1:37
  Speaker 1: just was not fun as a kid. So I remember
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: once I got to a certain age, was in my
• 1:42
  Speaker 1: teen years, and my parents would always have a mid
• 1:44
  Speaker 1: day nap at Christmas, as you do and judgment. I
• 1:46
  Speaker 1: love a good nap. I love that cut with small
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: kids now. But I got to a certain age where
• 1:50
  Speaker 1: I go for the nap then I'll fuck off to
• 1:52
  Speaker 1: my friend's house. I'm like, no way, I'm going to
• 1:54
  Speaker 1: sit here and just be bored out of my brains
• 1:56
  Speaker 1: and wait for you to get up and start yelling
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: at me again for whatever reason. Yeah, I want to
• 2:00
  Speaker 1: go to my friend's house, and it just felt so
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: nice to be an environment whereas it was about the
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: memories and fun, joy and just being together. And yeah.
• 2:08
  Speaker 1: Then I got kicked out at home when I was sixteen,
• 2:10
  Speaker 1: and there was a little period there where I wasn't
• 2:12
  Speaker 1: talking to my mum because she was still with him,
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: and I just didn't want to go back home because
• 2:14
  Speaker 1: he was scary. And it was so nice for me
• 2:17
  Speaker 1: to put that boundary and just say, no, I don't
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: actually go I have to go around there for Christmas.
• 2:20
  Speaker 1: I'm going to stay here with my partner's family where
• 2:23
  Speaker 1: I feel safe, I feel welcomed, there's no pressure, and
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: I just get to eat and chill and we open
• 2:28
  Speaker 1: our presents and we just hang out and listen to music.
• 2:30
  Speaker 1: And it was so nice. So I just like, we
• 2:32
  Speaker 1: wanted to bring this in today because I know a
• 2:34
  Speaker 1: lot of you listening will be feeling pressure to show
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: up and to be a certain way and ort to
• 2:38
  Speaker 1: spend lots of money on all the food and go
• 2:40
  Speaker 1: get the prawns at fucking three am in the morning.
• 2:42
  Speaker 1: You don't want to do that, you don't have to
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: do that. You can say, actually, no, I'm not going
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: to do that this year. You want to go get
• 2:49
  Speaker 1: your prawns, go for it. Like you're allowed to put
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: boundaries in place, even with family, because at the end
• 2:53
  Speaker 1: of the day, like you have to put yourself first.
• 2:55
  Speaker 1: No one else is going to You have to take
• 2:57
  Speaker 1: care of you. Yeah.
• 2:58
  Speaker 2: Absolutely, Oh it's so interesting as well. You're right, there
• 3:01
  Speaker 2: is an additional pressure around Christmas because there's the pressure
• 3:04
  Speaker 2: of like, oh, Christmas family time.
• 3:06
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 3:06
  Speaker 2: But then it's like if you haven't been building a
• 3:08
  Speaker 2: relationship with your family for the last twelve months and
• 3:10
  Speaker 2: Christmas comes around, why the fuck is anything any different.
• 3:12
  Speaker 1: It's like weddings. Why are you inviting all your third
• 3:14
  Speaker 1: cousins that you've never met in your life.
• 3:15
  Speaker 2: You don't even I haven't even seen them in fifteen years.
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: You don't even like them, but you're gonna pay for
• 3:20
  Speaker 1: them to have a seat and watch the most special
• 3:23
  Speaker 1: day of your life.
• 3:24
  Speaker 2: Nahn, Mine's gonna be an intimate wedding, I.
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: Tell you right now, Yeah, one hundred percent. Yeah.
• 3:28
  Speaker 2: I mean growing up, I feel like my experience of
• 3:30
  Speaker 2: Christmas was a better one. Like I felt like it
• 3:33
  Speaker 2: was a good experience. I loved Christmas, and because there
• 3:35
  Speaker 2: were so many of us like they were. It was
• 3:37
  Speaker 2: always something to do, and there was always so much
• 3:38
  Speaker 2: just play, so many people around and all of the things.
• 3:41
  Speaker 2: So my parents really I feel like they really did
• 3:43
  Speaker 2: the best they could all the time to go above
• 3:45
  Speaker 2: and beyond for us for Christmas, which is so nice.
• 3:48
  Speaker 2: Then I think as I got older, and like obviously
• 3:50
  Speaker 2: all of me and my siblings, we all grow and change,
• 3:54
  Speaker 2: and you know, there were periods of time where like
• 3:56
  Speaker 2: there's two of my sisters where we both didn't talk
• 3:59
  Speaker 2: for either six years or twelve years, do you know
• 4:01
  Speaker 2: what I mean. So it's like, you know, as you
• 4:02
  Speaker 2: grow up, like not everyone stays as intertwined is what
• 4:06
  Speaker 2: you would like, you know. And so like if you're
• 4:08
  Speaker 2: listening and maybe you're you know, in an argument with
• 4:10
  Speaker 2: a sibling, or you know, the dynamic is off where
• 4:12
  Speaker 2: you're not talking to your mom, or there's moments around
• 4:15
  Speaker 2: when Christmas comes around, how confronting that can feel to
• 4:18
  Speaker 2: be like why aren't we the way that we used
• 4:20
  Speaker 2: to be yea, or why don't we have the relationship
• 4:21
  Speaker 2: that we used to because I miss that.
• 4:24
  Speaker 1: You know, I have to go back to that.
• 4:25
  Speaker 2: Yeah, And so I think that sometimes can feel Christmas
• 4:28
  Speaker 2: can be one of those moments where it brings up
• 4:30
  Speaker 2: a lot of stuff that kind of sits there underneath
• 4:32
  Speaker 2: the surface, especially when you're not in a good relationship
• 4:35
  Speaker 2: with someone that you love. And that's where I feel
• 4:37
  Speaker 2: like the pressure also comes into is like let's say
• 4:40
  Speaker 2: if your grandparents host Christmas, then you're expected to all
• 4:42
  Speaker 2: go sit in a room and you haven't spoken for
• 4:44
  Speaker 2: six months, and you're like, oh my god, this is so.
• 4:46
  Speaker 1: Awkward, like what do we do?
• 4:47
  Speaker 2: And I think there have definitely been times because I
• 4:50
  Speaker 2: have a big family, like between me and then my
• 4:53
  Speaker 2: mom is one of like seven or something like that,
• 4:55
  Speaker 2: I'm one of five and there's just kids everywhere, and
• 4:58
  Speaker 2: I remember even there being like family TIFFs between like
• 5:01
  Speaker 2: the uncles and things like that, are being like, well,
• 5:02
  Speaker 2: they haven't spoken and they're not happy with each other,
• 5:05
  Speaker 2: the all being forced into this room together, and everyone's
• 5:07
  Speaker 2: just like this is fucking awkward ass And everyone's like, Okay,
• 5:10
  Speaker 2: do we get frunt now because this is weird? Yeah?
• 5:13
  Speaker 1: You know. Yeah.
• 5:14
  Speaker 2: But I think, like I want to give like an
• 5:15
  Speaker 2: example of like family pressure. It's not necessarily to do
• 5:19
  Speaker 2: with Christmas, but like I feel like my parents of
• 5:21
  Speaker 2: my mum, especially my mom and my nanna especially have
• 5:24
  Speaker 2: been and say the narrative of like many hands make
• 5:27
  Speaker 2: light work. Yeah, And I think I've mentioned this once before,
• 5:29
  Speaker 2: but it's something that's always been like because there's always
• 5:32
  Speaker 2: so many of us, like more hands are always so
• 5:34
  Speaker 2: helpful for their weight. Yeah, everyone pulled their weight, and
• 5:36
  Speaker 2: we were always taught that from a young age, Like
• 5:38
  Speaker 2: I was doing washing from like fucking six, I don't
• 5:40
  Speaker 2: even know how old I was, Like we were always
• 5:42
  Speaker 2: helping out. And I think as I've become an adult
• 5:44
  Speaker 2: now as well, like there are things and boundaries that
• 5:47
  Speaker 2: I have that like maybe my mom doesn't agree with,
• 5:49
  Speaker 2: but because I have like my own life as well,
• 5:51
  Speaker 2: in my business and all the things, it's like I've
• 5:53
  Speaker 2: had to start setting more boundaries. And so it's interesting.
• 5:56
  Speaker 2: I feel like this makes shore for you around Christmas
• 5:59
  Speaker 2: time or maybe even just all throughout the year, where
• 6:01
  Speaker 2: you're not honoring yourself in what you want simply because
• 6:05
  Speaker 2: you feel like you need to please the people that
• 6:06
  Speaker 2: you're around. And so with my mum, especially, like I've
• 6:09
  Speaker 2: went through this period where we actually didn't talk all
• 6:12
  Speaker 2: that much for like a year and a half two
• 6:13
  Speaker 2: years because I was really stepping into my independence and
• 6:16
  Speaker 2: I was really clashing with her because she was like
• 6:18
  Speaker 2: will Tiana, many hands make light work. And so it
• 6:21
  Speaker 2: was always expected every family holiday, every birthday, every you know,
• 6:26
  Speaker 2: somebody moving, Like if my fucking third uncle moved or
• 6:29
  Speaker 2: with third cousin moved, we would have to help.
• 6:31
  Speaker 1: Oh, everyone's expected to jump in and help pack for.
• 6:33
  Speaker 2: Like four days, right, you know, and like that was
• 6:36
  Speaker 2: just something. As I got older, I was like, fuck this, no,
• 6:39
  Speaker 2: I have to I've also got a.
• 6:40
  Speaker 1: Business in life.
• 6:41
  Speaker 2: I've got to go to work and do all these things.
• 6:43
  Speaker 2: And I understand, like, don't get me wrong, I want
• 6:45
  Speaker 2: to be able to help, But do I want to
• 6:47
  Speaker 2: give up four days of my time?
• 6:48
  Speaker 1: Absolutely fucking not. You know. I think if you use
• 6:51
  Speaker 1: this example before, like instead of going to pack your
• 6:53
  Speaker 1: boardevery one lunch, so yeah, contributed it, yeah, slave away
• 6:56
  Speaker 1: for four days? Yeah? Absolutely.
• 6:57
  Speaker 2: It was like finding ways that you can contribute that
• 6:59
  Speaker 2: aren't going to put you out now. Say, for example,
• 7:02
  Speaker 2: this has shown up around Christmas too, where it's like, okay,
• 7:04
  Speaker 2: we've got a the food we're hosting Christmas, We're cooking
• 7:07
  Speaker 2: all the food, and I'm like I don't want to
• 7:08
  Speaker 2: fucking do that. So I'm like, Okay, I'll go buy this, this, this, this,
• 7:12
  Speaker 2: and I'll contribute that. But like, I'm not going to
• 7:14
  Speaker 2: sit slaboring over the kitchen while everybody else is having
• 7:16
  Speaker 2: a great Christmas, like no.
• 7:18
  Speaker 1: Offense, but like cater at that year.
• 7:21
  Speaker 2: I was so strong in my no that I was like,
• 7:22
  Speaker 2: this doesn't feel good for me. But then the year
• 7:24
  Speaker 2: after that, I was like, you know what, I fucking
• 7:25
  Speaker 2: I feel like I'm in a nurturing energy.
• 7:27
  Speaker 1: I want to do this this year cook, you know.
• 7:29
  Speaker 2: So it's just like learning where your boundaries lie, and
• 7:32
  Speaker 2: it's really just paying attention to like wear the line
• 7:34
  Speaker 2: where it starts to feel really really good versus where
• 7:36
  Speaker 2: it starts to feel.
• 7:37
  Speaker 1: Really really key. Yeah.
• 7:38
  Speaker 2: Yeah, And that might even apply to you if you
• 7:41
  Speaker 2: don't want to go somewhere for Christmas, you don't want
• 7:44
  Speaker 2: to go spend time in a room with someone that
• 7:46
  Speaker 2: you've been arguing with or fighting with for however long enough,
• 7:48
  Speaker 2: or maybe there's always these expectations of you, you always
• 7:51
  Speaker 2: have to give your time up and it just is
• 7:52
  Speaker 2: no longer feeling good for you.
• 7:53
  Speaker 1: You're allowed to put your foot down absolutely you're allowed
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: to say no, absolutely yeah, and that whole Let them through,
• 7:58
  Speaker 1: let them be disappointed, let them be upset, let them
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: make up assumptions about you. Just let them.
• 8:03
  Speaker 2: The biggest thing with this, I feel like with family,
• 8:05
  Speaker 2: it's hard to if it's not willingly taught, it's hard
• 8:08
  Speaker 2: to step into your individuality, especially when you come from
• 8:11
  Speaker 2: a big family, like.
• 8:12
  Speaker 1: Minds expectations that everyone does the same thing.
• 8:14
  Speaker 2: We all do it, we move as one unit, we
• 8:16
  Speaker 2: think the same, we move the same, we have the
• 8:18
  Speaker 2: same beliefs on everything, And so when you step outside
• 8:20
  Speaker 2: of it, that's like, what do you I.
• 8:22
  Speaker 1: Have an experience that because it's such a small family,
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: I can see.
• 8:24
  Speaker 2: How that would play out absolutely, And like when you're
• 8:27
  Speaker 2: such a tight knit community and like you're trying to
• 8:29
  Speaker 2: like move all as one and then one person's like
• 8:31
  Speaker 2: conflicting in that, it's like it creates conflict. So it's
• 8:34
  Speaker 2: like I feel like moments like this and Christmas especially,
• 8:37
  Speaker 2: is a really cool moment for you to really understand,
• 8:41
  Speaker 2: like how to step into your individuality?
• 8:43
  Speaker 1: What does that look like?
• 8:44
  Speaker 2: What do you think, what do you believe? What traditions
• 8:47
  Speaker 2: do you want for Christmas? Like, how do you want
• 8:49
  Speaker 2: this experience of a Christmas to be when it comes
• 8:52
  Speaker 2: to the people that you love and the connections you make,
• 8:54
  Speaker 2: and how you want to show up within those connections.
• 8:57
  Speaker 2: I think that's been a huge thing for me as
• 8:59
  Speaker 2: a woman who always felt like I couldn't do anything
• 9:02
  Speaker 2: without my family unit.
• 9:03
  Speaker 1: Yeah, like all my dad.
• 9:05
  Speaker 2: Like I literally felt like I couldn't do anything on
• 9:07
  Speaker 2: my own, couldn't go out on my own, couldn't spread
• 9:09
  Speaker 2: my own wings. Until I've forced myself to do that,
• 9:12
  Speaker 2: step into my individuality and go like, oh my god,
• 9:14
  Speaker 2: I can actually think for myself.
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: I can speak for myself. Yeah. The question is is
• 9:18
  Speaker 1: Christmas at your house? And are you hosting? Absolutely? Let's
• 9:21
  Speaker 1: fucking go happy for it. Yeah yeah, yeah, in your
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: nurturing energy this year. I am in my energy this year. Yeah,
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: you're not hosting, but we also.
• 9:29
  Speaker 2: I don't know, like mom and Dad an't going to
• 9:30
  Speaker 2: be here this Christmas. They're going to be in BALI
• 9:32
  Speaker 2: I think Nick's coming up over Christmas.
• 9:34
  Speaker 1: Actually you don't find brother? Yeah, I love him.
• 9:36
  Speaker 2: It's my little faith.
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: So you're hosting, yeah, Like Meghan Jared will be in Adelaide,
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: Megsie and Thor will be in Perth. Oh wow, be
• 9:43
  Speaker 1: Quie Christy this year combine ours? Oh my god? Done?
• 9:47
  Speaker 1: Have we not planned this already? No, anything's happening by yes,
• 9:50
  Speaker 1: seriously done? That'd be cool.
• 9:51
  Speaker 2: Yeah, okay, we're gonna plan this after this episode.
• 9:53
  Speaker 1: Yeah done. Oh I hope you guys enjoyed this and
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: just every episode we're doing. We want you to have
• 9:59
  Speaker 1: massive self reflection. Don't just push this and then go
• 10:02
  Speaker 1: about your day. Actually sit down and go, Wow, what
• 10:04
  Speaker 1: come up for me there? How is this playing out
• 10:06
  Speaker 1: in my family dynamic? Does this feel good for me?
• 10:08
  Speaker 1: Maybe I might do things differently this year? And you
• 10:10
  Speaker 1: have full permission to do that. You're a grown ass
• 10:12
  Speaker 1: adult yourself first.
• 10:13
  Speaker 2: Absolutely, and on the boundary front as well. If you
• 10:17
  Speaker 2: feel a bit overwhelmed, to be confused, just write it down. Yes,
• 10:20
  Speaker 2: what is happening right now in your family dynamic? What's
• 10:23
  Speaker 2: not feeling good? What do you either want to speak
• 10:25
  Speaker 2: to or what do you want to just like completely
• 10:27
  Speaker 2: remove yourself entirely. And I just want to remind you
• 10:30
  Speaker 2: as well, like I'm not condoning like taking time from
• 10:33
  Speaker 2: your family and all the things, but like if you're
• 10:35
  Speaker 2: at a point in your life within your dynamics where
• 10:37
  Speaker 2: you feel like you need space, honor that. Yeah, it's
• 10:39
  Speaker 2: okay to want that. It doesn't mean that you're going
• 10:41
  Speaker 2: to have space from them forever. It just means whatever
• 10:43
  Speaker 2: it is that you're moving through right now, you need
• 10:45
  Speaker 2: a little bit of space, and that's okay because you'll
• 10:47
  Speaker 2: likely always come back.
• 10:49
  Speaker 1: And if you're thinking you would like something different, like
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: maybe there's four other family members that are also feeling
• 10:54
  Speaker 1: like this, So if you like put in the group chap,
• 10:55
  Speaker 1: be like, hey, this year, could we do this instead
• 10:57
  Speaker 1: of what we did last year? You might be surprised,
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: might be like, oh my gosh, yes, a sleep in,
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: don't rush beat after lunch or your presence, yeah in
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: the afternoon or Boxing day celebration, like they could be
• 11:08
  Speaker 1: open for something as well. Switch it out, lead the way,
• 11:10
  Speaker 1: switch it up.
• 11:10
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 11:11
  Speaker 1: And if they're not okay with that, that's also okay.
• 11:12
  Speaker 1: Like you can be okay with them not being okay
• 11:14
  Speaker 1: with what you suggested.
• 11:15
  Speaker 2: Absolutely, And if you're feeling like the boundaries are feeling
• 11:17
  Speaker 2: a little bit too stretchy, Nope, I'm gonna call you forward.
• 11:20
  Speaker 1: Do it anyway.
• 11:21
  Speaker 2: But also something that's really fun that is an addition
• 11:23
  Speaker 2: do Christmas games.
• 11:25
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it's so much fun.
• 11:26
  Speaker 2: One of my girlfriends introduced it to us when our
• 11:28
  Speaker 2: joined Christmas a couple of years ago, and like, I
• 11:31
  Speaker 2: literally watched my dad's work a tissue box on his
• 11:33
  Speaker 2: bumb to get it to get like a golf ball
• 11:35
  Speaker 2: out of it, and it was the funniest thing I've
• 11:37
  Speaker 2: ever seen. It's all like it was just so, it
• 11:39
  Speaker 2: was such good energy and it really brought like a
• 11:42
  Speaker 2: lightheartedness to Christmas. So if Christmas is feeling, for whatever reason,
• 11:46
  Speaker 2: a little bit heavy, a little bit like, oh this
• 11:48
  Speaker 2: feels a bit stale, I don't want to do this again,
• 11:50
  Speaker 2: bring fun.
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: Yes, you bring the energy, the game, set the standard.
• 11:53
  Speaker 2: Invite everybody up to your level, bring the games, do
• 11:56
  Speaker 2: whatever you want to do.
• 11:57
  Speaker 1: It doesn't have to be the way that it's always been.
• 11:59
  Speaker 2: Yeah, you can create new tradition.
• 12:01
  Speaker 1: That's so cool. Yeah I love that. Alright it guys,
• 12:04
  Speaker 1: we'll see day seven tomorrow, whole week. That's crazy. Get ready,
• 12:08
  Speaker 1: love it. Bye bye,