Latest / RiseUp - Live Joy Your Way / Interdependence vs Codependency — How To Develop A Healthy Relationship

Transcript

Interdependence vs Codependency — How To Develop A Healthy Relationship · RiseUp - Live Joy Your Way

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: Today's episode is produced by my friends at WalkWest.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_01: If you're looking to grow your brand and generate leads through podcast or video production, head over to walkwest.com.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, let's start the show.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: Rise up, live joy your way.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: From emotional intelligence through cognitive distortions, certified life and wellness coach Comedy Wood is on a mission to help people see the magnificence of their own unique human spirit.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: Through these small bites of self-visualization and self-confidence, you can have healthy relationships, success in business and career, and live the life you want to live.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: Rise up, live joy your way.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_01: Good morning, good afternoon, good evening.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you for taking some time to join me today on another episode of Rise Up, Live Joy Your Way.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_01: I really appreciate you taking some time out of your day to spend with me.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_01: So if you've been following some of my blogging as well as my podcasts, uh you may have noticed that one topic that I will talk about or discuss is this concept between interdependence and codependence.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_01: So I thought it would be a good idea to just talk about that a little bit more.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_01: So as human beings, we are relational, we're relational beings.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_01: So we have this innate need for social connection and affection.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_01: Positive social connections decrease stress, they increase happiness and optimism, and can lead to giving us a sense of purpose.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_01: So having healthy and satisfying relationships, in essence, can contribute to uh leading to a longer, a longer, healthier life.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_01: So with healthy romantic relationships, they are founded on love, respect, and equality.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_01: However, we know that functional, rewarding relationships do require effort and commitment.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_01: And in return, such relationships allow us to feel safe and protected and we experience when we experience distress.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_01: So healthy relationships allow for that growth, allow for vulnerability, and allow for safety.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_01: So when referring to an interdependent relationship, what we're really referring to is this deep emotional bind with the another that allows and provides security and protection similar to the relationships that we may have had with our caregivers.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_01: However, at the same time, when we're creating these interdependent relationships, we also are honoring our strong need to grow and develop as an independent human being.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_01: So this ability to be close in emotional contact with another and also allow ourselves to remain self-sufficient and allow ourselves to be our own person, have our own identity, have this idea of differentiation from the other.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_01: So differentiation involves the ability to stay in your own identity while connecting with other people.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_01: So when we're talking about an interdependent relationship, it's when two people can fully be themselves while still being involved with each other.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_01: The way I have described this in the past is if you were to imagine two circles, one representing yourself and one representing the other person, interdependence would be where they they intertwine with each other, so there's that overlapping part, which is the quote-unquote us, and then each circle still has their own separate section, which is each person's own individual identity.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_01: So characteristics of an interdependent relationship would be, you know, in society, for instance, we value individuality and independence, and vulnerability is often seen as a sign of weakness.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_01: And exposing our deepest emotions and thoughts sometimes can be, again, seen as a weakness.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_01: But in interdependent relationships and in those strong uh connections with another, we allow for that openness with the other person.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_01: We allow each person to feel safe and protected and support one another without the need to lose their own individual being.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_01: So support and connection that allow for that vulnerability, allow for that honesty, that authenticity.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_01: So each person is still being their own self and they're feeling supported by the other person.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_01: And what does this really look like?
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_01: Well, what it looks like is the ability for each person to engage in that relationship with that clear communication, with that open communication, without the fear of uh, you know, um uh without the fear of having the other person be angry at you for being honest.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_01: So in an interdependent relationship, we're able to really be our true selves, really communicate.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_01: We're not avoiding certain conversations because we're afraid of conflict.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_01: Also, in an interdependent relationship, each person is still finding the the time for their own personal interests and hobbies.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_01: So, yes, they're sharing time together where they have common interests and spending time doing common hobbies, and they're also able to spend time on their own doing things that really fill them up separately from the other person.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_01: So, codependency, when we're talking about a codependent relationship, it's when each person is relying on the other person for that sense of happiness, for that sense of completeness.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_01: Um, there is often a low level of differentiation.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_01: So if we go back to that example of the two circles, if you were to visualize and imagine both circles, and then they're essentially one on top of the other, where we can't actually tell where each of the individual circles begin or end or exist because they're they're codependent, they're based one on top of the other.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_01: So, in other words, these codependent individuals truly need the other person to meet all of their emotional needs.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_01: They expect their partner to take responsibility for their feelings.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_01: So, for instance, if one partner is feeling upset, they actually want the other partner to kind of take ownership of that.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, codependencies often leads to destructive behavior and can actually be very present in toxic relationships because there are no clear boundaries between the individuals, there's unhealthy communication patterns, sometimes we might even see controlling behaviors.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_01: And so when we have these patterns, it actually creates the inability for each person to continue to grow and develop.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_01: And so when we think about ourselves as individuals, you know, ultimately we want to strive for continued growth, continued learning, continued ability to contribute.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_01: But when we are codependent, we are actually stagnating our ability to grow, grow and develop.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_01: And what ends up happening is a lot of times our if we're in those codependent relationships, our own emotional and mental health starts to take a hit.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes it leads to anxiety and depression and withdrawal.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_01: And and what ends up happening is the ability to discern what you're feeling and needing actually starts to dissipate because you're so dependent on the other person for uh either filling your emotional needs or to tell you what it is that you need or want.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_01: So codependency it can be considered a learned behavior, it can be considered a result of maybe developmental trauma, it can't or uh just a history of of the way that relationships, especially as you were growing up, occurred.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_01: Um, family dynamics can contribute to it, just messages and um experiences when you're younger uh can lead to that codependency.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_01: Because oftentimes codependent people feel responsible for how others think or how they feel.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_01: So, for instance, if you are in a codependent relationship, if your partner is angry or upset, a codependent person might feel that it's their fault and that it's their responsibility to fix it.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_01: So people will, in a codependent relationship, uh uh generally will do anything to avoid rejection.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_01: They will continue to struggle with their own self-esteem.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_01: Be uh, they contribute, they they have a problem being able to set their own personal boundaries.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_01: Um, a lot of times we will see that people pleasers tend to end up in codependent relationships because they are so worried about making somebody else happy that they actually lose the ability to um discern their own needs and wants uh outside of the other person.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_01: And so what ends up happening is it does lead to these unhealthy, these unhealthy dynamics.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_01: So when we're when we're talking about interdependence or codependence, what we're really looking into is whether it's possible as you're in relationship to develop more of that interdependent relationship whereby you're you are you're still your own person, you know what you're feeling and needing, you're able to securely and safely communicate with the other person, and you do have that ability to still have those common interests and common goals and and that you know um that overlapping area where it is, quote unquote, the us.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_01: So when we are trying to move into um, you know, from a codependent, a codependent area into a more interdependent relationship, it's really important to promote um our independence or the ability to know who we are.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_01: So making sure that we check in with ourselves, you know, asking ourselves, what is it that I feel?
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_01: What is it that I need?
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_01: Really being honest with ourselves first and foremost.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_01: I say that all the time, the most important relationship we have is the one with ourselves.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_01: We really need to get to this place of a solid foundation of who we are as our own self-leader, of you know, who what it is that we want and need, recognizing that those needs and wants can exist in a relationship.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_01: So it's not to be independent where we're totally separate from the other person and we're just kind of going separately down the path of life.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_01: It's being able to still hold on to that part with also being able to overlap with that other person and being able to support that other person without taking on whatever it is that they're feeling, and likewise for them for you.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_01: So we think about things like, you know, am I people pleasing?
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe it's about taking actions to recognize when that happens and to uh put into place commitments to end the people-pleasing nature.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_01: Um paying attention to the boundaries that we're setting.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_01: There are several elements to boundaries that we can set, taking some time to set up those aligned actions to make sure that we're setting up those boundaries.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_01: Um, you know, being very clear about communicating in a healthy way what our needs are.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_01: So it's not about demanding, but being able to request of other people and not being afraid to do that.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_01: And when we're in a relationship with somebody and it turns out that they're not somebody safe that we can have that conversation with, maybe recognizing that that's not the healthiest relationship for us.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_01: If you would like to talk more about this or anything else that's coming up for you, feel free to book a time with me at chatwithcomedy.com.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_01: And until next time, stay well.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening to Rise Up, Live Joy Your Way.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: For more information, book a chat with comedy at www.chatwithcomedy.com.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_00: Or visit her website at www.comedywood.com.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_00: You can also find comedy on Facebook or Instagram.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: Username it's authentic me.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening.