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Sexual Authenticity: Owning Your Desires · Gay Men Going Deeper

• 0:00
  Speaker A: Foreign. Welcome to Gay Men Going Deeper, the podcast by the Gay Men's Brotherhood that showcases raw and real conversations about personal development, mental health and sexuality from an unapologetically gay perspective. I'm your host, Matt Lansdell, and joining me today is my fabulous co host, Michael Diorio. So today we are unpacking sexual authenticity, owning our desires. That's really what we're. We're talking about today. What we want you to get out of this episode is basically inspiration. Inspiration to own your desires and step more into your sexual power, whatever that means for you. My inspiration behind choosing this topic was, I would say over the course of the last, I don't know, maybe 10 years, my sexuality has really shifted and I've become more demisexual and I've become more interested in bottoming than topping and these sorts of things. And I noticed what I was coming up against was, was the mental me, this sexual self concept of who I thought I needed to be to be desirable in the community. We often think that being a top, a dom top, or these sorts of things is some sort of status and gives you more power or clout in the community. So there's, there's maybe shame around being some of the things that I desire to be. And over the last 10 years, I've done a lot of work on like releasing this and letting go of this shame and really kind of owning my desires. And I wanted to share, I wanted to transmit this to the human, the audience, that it's. It's okay to own what you desire. So yeah, let's, let's just talk a bit about sexual authenticity. I know authenticity is such a. A buzzword, but it is for a reason, right? It's popular for a reason, because people really yearn to be that. They yearn to be aligned and congruent with who they are. So in the realm of, of sex and sexuality, Michael, what would you. What does it mean to you to be sexually authentic?
• 1:53
  Speaker B: It would mean for me that you are very aware truly of your true, most genuine, innermost desires, whatever they may be in that moment. And, and not just that, but your body, your. Your pleasure zones, what gives you pleasure, how you like to receive pleasure, how you like to give pleasure. Keeping in mind that these things can change day to day, but in any given moment, knowing that and, but when I say that, it's like free from conditioning. Yeah, like we talked about in the last episode, free from the conditioning of what you think you should or who you should be or what you should like. And more about what you truly do want. And a lot of it comes from being embodied as well. Like, there's sex from the mind, and then there's, like, listening to your body. Like, my body really wants to. I don't know what bottom, top, neither, you know, just touch. So I think that's what it is. It's just knowing keenly and authentically what you genuinely want in any given moment.
• 2:49
  Speaker A: Yeah, I like that. I like that. I want to speak to the sides out there for a moment because I know that there's a lot of guys out there that don't enjoy anal sex. They don't want to play with the anus at all, Right. And they might carry conditioning. Like, if I want to be desirable in the gay community, I have to, like, ass play.
• 3:08
  Speaker B: Right.
• 3:08
  Speaker A: And there's a lot of guys that don't. Right. So sexual authenticity would be. Would be aligning yourself to what feels good and what doesn't, and to what feels good, moving towards it and to what doesn't. Setting boundaries around. This isn't me. This isn't what I want. Right. So. And it can take a lot of courage to speak up in, you know, in different forums. It's. It's. I find it a little bit. I don't know what the. I don't know what the word would be, but like, for example, on Grindr Scruff, these things that people have, like their whole layout of. Of all this stuff, right? And I think it's. It can be empowering, but it's also like, that's. That's very personal. Do you know what I mean? Like, to. To. To share that. So. And that's not a judgment coming from me. I just. I wouldn't want to just lay that out for the whole world to see. What I would want to do is as I'm starting to get to connect to know somebody, I would want to let them know that these are all my sexual desires and what I want leading with, like, if you're a. If you're a total bottom or a side or these sorts of things. And you want to weed out people for compatibility. I think, yeah, let's. Let's put these on our profile. So then it just. It saves us time, and we don't waste time on people that we're not going to be compatible with sexually. But so I agree with you. I think it's. It's really about moving beyond performance labels, expectations, ego, what the mind is telling that we have to be to be desirable and connecting into the pleasure that desires in the body and saying, yes, this is me, this is who I am. And these are the experiences that I want to share with the people I want to be sexual with.
• 4:32
  Speaker B: Well said. In the last episode we talked about purity culture and performance culture. Body count, you know how that an offshoot of that is also folks out there who shame or feel shame for being on one side of the either kink or vanilla spectrum. And there's a lot of that out there. Again, one way or another. There's. There's judgment for being too kinky or not kinky enough or too vanilla or not villain. Like there's just a lot of shame out there. So yeah, wherever you fall on that spectrum and it really is a spectrum and it can change day by day, partner by partner. Sometimes you might be feeling more kinky and sometimes you might be feeling more vanilla, sometimes more demi, sometimes less. Just recognizing that like it's all okay.
• 5:12
  Speaker A: Yeah.
• 5:13
  Speaker B: Give yourself, give yourself permission to, to be wherever you're at and then seek the partners who are also looking for that same or who are a match for you in that, in that moment.
• 5:23
  Speaker A: Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it can be easy to fall into this because we grew up in a culture where we're, we're taught to hide our sexual desires and gay sex is naughty or gross or sinful or whatever it might be. So a lot of us are probably can relate to this that we've had to stifle our sexual authenticity. And maybe that's pretending to be straight. Right. That is being sexually inauthentic. So it's, you know, I think it's, it's important for, for us to let go of self limiting beliefs or programs that we've gotten from society that are holding us back from being able to experience pleasure and to celebrate our bodies and what our bodies want.
• 6:02
  Speaker B: A big piece of that as well is allowing yourself to explore like sexual exploration. And you don't, you don't need to do that necessarily with a partner. You can if you have a consenting partner, of course. But like asking or letting yourself, giving yourself permission to be like, oh, I wonder like that. There's something about that that appeals to me. Let me explore that further. Versus oh my gosh, that appeals to me. That's dirty and kinky and I shouldn't go for that. And just recognizing that your sexual exploration is a beautiful, wonderful thing. It's I, I call it your, your appetite. In the sexual empowerment group that I run, we have a whole module called exploring your sexual appetite. And I have full lists. I think There's a hundred items and I put them on a tasting menu. But we have like appetizers and little things like foreplay, different things that you can do for foreplay, and then mains and then dessert, which is what we do after. And so we have such a fun time with this and we kind of talk about, okay, what are the things I've done that I know I like? What are the things I've done that I know I don't like? What are the things that I don't need to try, I already know I don't like them. And then what are the things? I don't even know what the hell that is. So kind of have a great conversation about that. So really do let yourself explore and treat it like it's a tasting menu because it can be very fun. And just because you're at the buffet doesn't mean you need to eat everything on the table.
• 7:13
  Speaker A: Yeah, exactly. And be open to things changing too. Because authenticity doesn't mean it's not a means to an end. It's. It's being an open. Open to things changing as your desires change. Because, you know, who I was sexually in my 20s is very different to who I was sexually in my 30s. And now my 40s are proving to be a whole new layer. I'm like, damn right. Like, this is interesting. Like that has. Things start to shift and change still. So I think it's fun though.
• 7:36
  Speaker B: I can say the same for me, but I think it's fun to see how, how those things shift. I mean, I don't know why sometimes, sometimes I do know why. And sometimes I'm like, why is this happening? But I just go along for the ride. And I think it makes for a very enriching, just sex life in general, personally. Like, I think to have that fluidity and have those things like I talked about being. Sometimes I'm in a demi mood and sometimes I'm not. And they're both wonderful and amazing for different reasons. But I don't make it mean like something's wrong or I need to decide, okay, this is my lane forever.
• 8:06
  Speaker A: Yeah. Yeah. I'm curious for you, what is a. What is a condition or a self limiting belief that you've had to overcome to align more to your sexual authenticity over the course of your sexual development?
• 8:20
  Speaker B: The episode we did last week about body count, I used to think that because social conditioning of the, you know, world I live in here, is that to be, you know, to be a fit in with the gay crowd, you have to have A lot of sex and hook up and like it and then that's your thing. And so I had to overcome that because sometimes I do and sometimes I did, and sometimes I still do enjoy that, but not all the time. And I used to think that that was kind of a measure of status and I think a lot of guys still fall into that. But yeah, I've had to unlearn that. That has. If I want to do that, then I can. But it's for me and for me only because I want to, not because I need to show off or even tell anybody about it. And I don't really anymore. I just do my thing and no one needs to know. Yeah, I don't share those. Those lists as much.
• 9:07
  Speaker A: Yeah. Okay.
• 9:10
  Speaker B: What about for you? What was it? What was one of yours that you had to unlearn?
• 9:13
  Speaker A: Probably the bottoming thing. So in my 20s, I was like, like, I'm. That's not me. I don't want to.
• 9:19
  Speaker B: Right.
• 9:19
  Speaker A: And it was a lot of shame around bottoming. And then as I started to kind of heal that and started bottoming, I was like, wow, this is so pleasurable. And this is actually the role that I want to be in. This feels more me. Right. So kind of coming into that energy and really owning it. And I would say that. I would say there's still a part of me that's navigating some of that stuff around masculinity and being. And sharing my body with somebody. And like, you know, that's why. Probably another reason why I'm more demisexual because, you know, bottoming is a very vulnerable thing. And to just give your body over to somebod, a hookup.
• 9:56
  Speaker B: Right.
• 9:56
  Speaker A: Like you're letting somebody into your body, like that's a big deal. So I would want to know the person. I would want to have some form of knowing and trusting of this person if I'm going to let them into my body. So yeah, I would probably say I'm more. Would be more of a side in like casual. I wouldn't even call it casual. I call it like semi casual sex. Like where I still know them, we've had a couple dates, but they're not my person and. Right. I would say yeah. So playing around with being side and bottom, it would probably be things I've had to work on accepting and then being like, yeah, this is really who I am.
• 10:29
  Speaker B: This reminds me of one of our episodes that I did with Pepper called Empowered Bottoms.
• 10:34
  Speaker A: Oh yeah.
• 10:35
  Speaker B: And it was kind of the antithesis. We kind of Framed as the antithesis of bottom shaming. And for all the bottoms out there who just unashamed. Unashamedly love taken. D. There's. That's a great episode. So, you know, for anyone out there who likes this topic will listen to that one too.
• 10:51
  Speaker A: Cool.
• 10:52
  Speaker B: Yeah, just owning. Owning what you. Owning what you like and, and giving yourself permission to explore it. Creating boundaries, as you said said, around what you don't like. So not giving into things because you feel you should. Or I've already gone this far, I guess I should do this. Like, that's hickey energy. But saying, okay, here's. Here's what I would like and here's what really turns me on. Are you game? You want to try this? And the guy might say, no, and that's fine, okay, no problem. But like, at least you. At least you ask. At least you can advocate for yourself.
• 11:20
  Speaker A: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I used to betray myself and do those sorts of things and like topping or like eating ass and things like that, but it's just not really my jam. Like, I'm. I don't really. It doesn't turn me on. It doesn't get me going. So it's like, why am I doing something that doesn't, you know, get me going when there's guys out there that wouldn't want that and they would want to have the experiences with me that I would want to have? So I think. And that's. It's interesting because as I'm getting older, like, my 40s are really about. I can feel it. Like I've only been 40 for whatever, six months now, know, and. But my 40s are just feeling like they're all about authenticity. They're all about being fully aligned. If something is not 100 aligned, like, it's. It's gone. It's not. I'm not. I'm not messing with it. And that comes with relationships. That comes with work commitments, like these sorts of things. So I. I really do think that there's a fierce energy that's coming in, which is good. I think we should be fierce in what we. What we allow into our. Into our experiences. And the more fierce we are, I think the more we're going to be. Experience more pleasure. And that's what I want. I want my 40s to be full of pleasure.
• 12:22
  Speaker B: Yeah.
• 12:22
  Speaker A: Lots of pleasure. I love. I even just love that word pleasure.
• 12:25
  Speaker B: Pleasure. I like. I like desire.
• 12:27
  Speaker A: Yeah.
• 12:27
  Speaker B: Desire and pleasure. When we talk about authenticity in relationships, which is most of what we talk about when we use that here on our Podcast we talk about basically the importance of being yourself is what. Actually, we think it's scary because people aren't going to like us, they're going to reject us. But in fact, that shining your light authentically is exactly what draws people to you, the right people to you. And it's the same thing sexually. When you can have that sexual authenticity to say, here's who I am, here's what I'm feeling. Here's what, here's what gets me off. Here's. Here's what turns me on. Yeah. Then other people out there can be like, oh, that's for me. You're for me. That sounds great. I want, I want to participate in that. And you're more likely to have more quality connections where people can meet you and say, okay, we have a want match. We want the same thing here. Or as when you're kind of vague and you're hiding and you're not sure and you, you have a desire, but you don't want to say it out loud. Like, you're not going to find people who are willing to meet you there.
• 13:18
  Speaker A: Exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I have a quote on my, on my YouTube and now I can't remember it. When you own who you are, you will attract what you need. I have that on my. That's the quote I have on my YouTube banner. And because that's what it is, that's what authenticity is. When you attract it. It's actually, I think it look at as a sifting process. The more authentic you are, you're putting people through sifts, right? And it's like the people that make it through or that stay on the sith are the ones that you're meant to be with. Because these are people that are, like, aligned, right? And those are the people that they're gonna. They're gonna hear your truth and they're gonna, like, let out a big sigh of relief, like, yes, me too. Exactly. Like, I want that too. And shared mutual desire. That's genuine and authentic. Man, that's some yummy stuff.
• 14:03
  Speaker B: Agreed. And I think what I see people do is it's counterintuitive that they think, oh, if I speak up my genuine desire, then people are going to reject me. And I say, yes, let them. That's the right people rejecting you. That's. That's the sift. You don't want them, so let them reject you. And. But it's like we don't want that rejection, so we don't want to be authentic. And yet being authentic and getting quote unquote rejected. I wouldn't even call it that. I'd call it the filter. Yeah, like they filter themselves out. Less work for you. I'd rather have them filter themselves out than me have like 10 disappointing experiences and not get what I want.
• 14:34
  Speaker A: Yeah, exactly. I think that's why people do that. They, people please, because they don't want to experience rejection. But then they're having these like mediocre experiences. And I. So one of the things that I use, and I've been using it for a long time is it's just a mantra when I experience rejection or I feel fear for being, for having to step in and be authentic is like, I'm not everyone's cup of tea. And that's okay. I just say that to myself. I'm not everyone's cup of tea. And that is okay because I'm not trying to be everyone's cup of tea. Because when I'm trying to be everyone's cup of tea, I'm losing myself.
• 15:06
  Speaker B: Right.
• 15:06
  Speaker A: I'm losing connection to what actually makes me feel good. So, yeah, I'd rather have a small pool of guys that really vibe with me than a large pool of people that are kind of half assed. And I'm not really actually being true to myself.
• 15:18
  Speaker B: Yeah, I'm a double espresso. So I'm no one's cup of tea.
• 15:22
  Speaker A: Double espresso. Yeah, exactly. I'd say I'm a nice Earl Gray.
• 15:26
  Speaker B: I mean, it depends on the day. As always. I always say that it depends on the day. Matt, I'm curious. What are, what are some things that maybe you have not explored sexually that perhaps you have like a curiosity too? If you care to share.
• 15:39
  Speaker A: That's a good question. I'm going to ask you the same one so you can think about it too. I don't know. I've actually experienced a lot sexually. Like when you think about it, like I've. I have. It's just probably not in the last four years, right? I've done a lot. I've been doing a lot of like inward work. So my sexual. My body count has. Hasn't been that high. Right. I don't know. I. I had an experience with and this might be tmi. So. Mom, if you're listening, plug your ears like a. With like a threesome. So a couple. And then like I was the bottom and they were like the two tops. So that was fun. But there was something about the energy of it. It didn't really feel that good for me. So I'd like to maybe do that again, but have it with, like, people that I'm actually really drawn to and attracted to. And it feels like, you know, because that was really. I really like that experience.
• 16:29
  Speaker B: Yeah, that's right. Yeah.
• 16:32
  Speaker A: What about you?
• 16:34
  Speaker B: I think for me, I'll say what it is, but then there's gonna be a follow up question, and I won't answer the follow up question, but an area that I have not explored a lot of and I would like to. And I'm kind of curious about it, is roleplay.
• 16:46
  Speaker A: Okay. Yeah.
• 16:47
  Speaker B: Yeah. And the next question is, what kind of role do you want to play? And I'm not gonna answer that part. I have a few.
• 16:52
  Speaker A: I've done that a lot, actually.
• 16:53
  Speaker B: You have?
• 16:54
  Speaker A: Yeah. I'm surprised you haven't, because Geminis, we're like, no one for.
• 16:58
  Speaker B: Right.
• 16:58
  Speaker A: We're so intensive and intellectually stimul.
• 17:02
  Speaker B: I did great in that. Give me a good little role to play. And because I think we're so adaptable, you can. You can throw in any role, and I'll see what I can do. So I think that that kind of excites me, the idea of it, but I haven't really had much of a chance to explore that.
• 17:15
  Speaker A: Yeah. If you're in a monogamous relationship and things are feeling like you need a little bit to add some spice, that's when roleplay can really be nice because you can create different experiences and you can, like, cosplay as well, like, get costumes out and.
• 17:29
  Speaker B: Yeah.
• 17:29
  Speaker A: One of the ones that I. I really enjoyed was pretending, like me and my best friend. My partner. Me and my best friend were camping when we were like 14 or 15, and like, we were straight, but we were like, you know, and like, we would get a little close and like, kind of rub our boners on each other and stuff like that. One thing leads to another, and it's like, it is really hot to play around with that because it's like you're creating the fantasies that you want to have, but you're doing it in a safe container with. With. With somebody that's predictable and safe. Right. Exactly.
• 17:59
  Speaker B: It's such a beautiful thing. And that's very Brokeback Mountain of you. It's hot. Yeah, those are all. Those are all really good. I think one thing that I have been enjoying more lately, I'll disclose this, is verbal play just being more verbal one way or another. Because again, as a Gemini, I guess we are pretty communicative, and words can turn me on or off, but the right words can very much turn me on. It can add to a physical body experience. You know, having someone say things to me or whisper in my ear or whatever. That dialogue between us can very much add. I've learned this in the last couple years.
• 18:30
  Speaker A: Yeah. Performative verbal play is not good for me. I don't like that when it's, like, when they're saying the phrases that they've heard in porn and like, you know, me harder, daddy, and all those sorts of things.
• 18:40
  Speaker B: Like, that can be hard. It depends on the vibe, though. It, like, you can tell when it's. It has. It has to be the right vibe in the right person. Yeah.
• 18:47
  Speaker A: It has to be authentic. You know what I mean? But, yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 18:51
  Speaker B: It's not just. It's not just the words. It has to come from a place that feels like where we're both in that role. And you know that those words to me would turn me on very much if it was in that. With the right guy. Otherwise, I'd be like, yo, gross. Get off.
• 19:05
  Speaker A: Exactly. That's funny. Okay, well, let's. I'm just curious. What advice do you have for the audience and how to step more into their sexual power if you were to leave the audience with something?
• 19:17
  Speaker B: Yeah, I would. I would say think to the things. When you masturbate, if you watch porn, what are the things that turn you on? What are the things that you're curious about exploring more of. Similar to what Matt and I just did here. And try to think about this in your body. Like, what. What does your body respond to? Free from judgment. So sometimes it's so quick that we. We think we want something and, like, our brains will just like, no, don't do that. That's dirty. Or, no, no, we can't go there. That's, you know, sinful or whatever. Whatever your story might be. So just kind of quiet that voice for a sec and just let yourself imagine what that would be that would turn you on and just. Yeah. I would say the number one thing is give yourself permission to explore in your own mind. At least start there. Start in your own mind. And then eventually, if you find the right person and, you know, meet someone that you trust and want to explore with, by all means.
• 20:02
  Speaker A: Yeah. I love that. Having conversations like this, like, come to our connection circle and talk about this stuff. And if you don't feel comfortable doing that, talk with your best friend or somebody. Because having these conversations is where we release shame. Like, I can even feel like just talking to Michael about this stuff, it does feel a little vulnerable knowing everyone's gonna hear it. But at the end of the day, it is what it is. But it does allow me to release any things that I might be holding around. Like, it's not okay to be that. And so that would be. My first one is just talking about it, because shame can't survive when it's being shared. Right. And the second one would be a little bit of an indirect or a proactive approach, which would be put on some good music and move your freaking body and just feel. Just feel your body. And because most of us are living from our minds and we're just from our minds and we're talking from our minds, we're just all these little cerebral people running around being so heady, you know, put on some music and just move and be by yourself so you don't have to worry about people looking at you or anything like that. Because that's when we get into our heads. So just move your body alone and see how your body wants to move. Because the way the body moves, it leads you to pleasure. Right? It leads you to Eros and, And eroticism and these sorts of things. So dance is a very powerful alchemizer. It's a very powerful way to move energy, these sorts of things.
• 21:23
  Speaker B: So I love that one. That is such a. An easy, free, available at all times. Great suggestion. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 21:32
  Speaker A: I thought so too.
• 21:33
  Speaker B: And for. For sharing, I will also mention that my sexual empowerment group is starting up in April. I think we're doing this episode in February, so we've got a few months, but it's open for those of you who want to pre register. And it's kind of what we do. We talk about sex and sexuality. Seven sessions, different topic each one. I'll put the link in the notes and if you guys want to join me, you can.
• 21:52
  Speaker A: It's a great opportunity to do what we're doing here. Go and talk about sex and sexuality and let's let go of shame.
• 22:00
  Speaker B: And we do it without sexualizing each other. That's the rule is we're going to talk about sex. But because so often when we're talking about sex with other gay men, we're.
• 22:06
  Speaker A: We're.
• 22:07
  Speaker B: We're trying to have sex with the person we're talking to. We don't actually talk about it without that lens. And it's a totally different. It's a totally different thing. Like what you and I are doing here. Talking about it as grown adult men who have sex with men. Yeah. Shame gets released. We're not performing. No one's trying to impress one another. We're just having a really good conversation, and that's what we do in the group. It's like we're not here to sexualize each other for. For those seven weeks. We're just here to speak about it in a way that feels empowering and releases shame.
• 22:37
  Speaker A: Yeah, I agree. It's hard to do this work when it's sexualized. It's better to do it when it's platonic and you can actually connect with people where you don't have to worry. Because I think when we're. As soon as sex becomes a possibility, there's the insecurity, there's the what are they going to think?
• 22:52
  Speaker B: Right.
• 22:52
  Speaker A: So we're way more guarded and insecure when there's a potential that this person might be a mate versus just somebody that we can talk to openly, as in a platonic way. So.
• 23:01
  Speaker B: Agreed.
• 23:02
  Speaker A: And. And their connection circles. So I'm actually hosting a connection circle on this exact episode. So sexual authenticity, owning your desires. We're going to be talking about it on thinking. Yeah. February 26th, so come and join us. Yeah. And you can go to www.gaymensbrotherhood.com, hit the events tab, and that will take you right to It's. It's. It's live. You can go in and see it. And yeah, if you're new here, please subscribe to the channel on YouTube and you can also make a donation to the community by hitting the thanks button on YouTube. And to support us, you can also get early access access option on Apple Music. And that helps us continue to doing what we're doing. It helps us build the podcast more. It helps us sustain the community, the Facebook group, all the things. All right, thanks for coming on and having this awesome conversation. I feel very jazzed. Thank you. Hopefully you're feeling the same way. The listener, viewer and go on YouTube and let us know what your thoughts are of this. What was stimulated for you in. In listening to us talk about this. We'd love to hear from you over there on YouTube. All right, much love, everybody.