Latest / Thinking Out Loud | Kimberly / Why is Repair the Difference Between a Relationship that Heals & One that Harms? | Thinking Out Loud
Transcript
- Kimberly Roller: Some relationships don't fall apart loudly. ⁓ They fade silence and avoidance and things that never got repaired. Because the truth is relationships will always have conflict. That's not a flaw. That's part of being human. I like to think about relationships like a garden. If you've ever garden, you know some plants thrive next to each other like tomatoes and basils. For example, Basil is often a decoy for the pest while tomato shades the basil. ⁓ But even the healthiest and most balanced garden will still have that come up. Weeds grow, leaves get damaged, bugs show up. No garden is perfect. What matters is the maintenance. So you check the plant, the soil, the environment, the and even ask, is this the season for plant? You remove what's harmful. Relationships work the same way. We will make messes in relationships, that's inevitable, but messes can be cleaned up and cleaning them up doesn't mean pretending they didn't happen. means tending what was damaged. If you ignore the mess long enough, though, something else happens. Mold grows and mold doesn't stay contained. ⁓ It spreads. And once it spreads, ⁓ it takes more ⁓ work to remove. Sometimes it requires constant maintenance because certain make it come back again and Ignoring harm doesn't it disappear. It just allows it to grow and people can't be ignored forever. There are only so many times someone can forget to call back, ignore messages, gossip about them, make harsh judgments ⁓ or put in the minimum effort ⁓ Before people start asking themselves the quiet, but life-changing question, this relationship still worth it? Hi, it's me, Kimberly. Today's going to be a heavy episode. hope it reached to the people who need to hear it the most Before we go any further, quick note, this podcast is for reflection and conversation, not professional advice. Take what resonates, leave what doesn't listen in a way that feels supportive for you. you. ⁓ The question at center of this episode is Why is repair the difference between a relationship that heals and one that harms? Now, not all relationships end because of harm. ⁓ Sometimes people just depart naturally. ⁓ Life changes. People Priorities Sometimes not It's just distance. Sometimes it's loss of momentum, but family relationships, that's where things get complicated because for a long time we've been taught this slogan because we're family is supposed to fix everything. And honestly, for that line doesn't work for me anymore. two, one. When I was a child in elementary school, the sense of safety I had in my family shattered. There were accusations made involving me and because of that, I had to go through medical examination as a child. What remember about moment wasn't even the exam itself. It was the feeling of being completely alone during it and not knowing what to do. Afterwards the gave me a coca-cola bear plushy toy It was Christmas time and I think the doctor could tell how overwhelming that experience had been for me Maybe she hoped the toy would soften it, but for a long time, I hated that bear. sat in my room like a reminder of something I didn't understand and I didn't have words for. That same year, gave me everything on my Christmas list. And for most kids that would have felt ⁓ magical, but I remember just sitting there surrounded by gifts. and feeling absolutely nothing, not joy, not excitement, just empty. Around that time, I was told something that shaped me deeply. talk about this, Kimberly. CPS could take you away. So I stayed silent. I couldn't talk about it at home. I couldn't talk about it in therapy either because the same warning followed me there. And if I did try to talk about it, ⁓ I was told therapy must not be working because I'm only getting worse. And remember. CPS will take you away. Eventually, I became a kid who cried too much in the therapy office. And one day I overheard something that stayed with me for years. Somebody said, if Kimberly hadn't been born, none of this would have happened. I was just a child. And looking back now, I have language for what that was. That was psychological abuse. Around that time, I started gaining weight. And part of my mind created a belief that felt protective. If had made myself undesirable, maybe I could keep myself safe. I told myself, ugly kids don't get hurt like that. Later in life, ⁓ after another experience, that pattern came back, ⁓ cutting my hair short, trying to look less trying to disappear. Because somewhere deep inside me ⁓ was the belief that I could become unnoticeable, I could become safe. Now I understand that's not how harm works. But children don't have the language to understand trauma. We adapt in whatever helps us feel safe, helps us survive. Even if those ways follow us longer than they should. ⁓ That pain didn't stay childhood. It followed me into adulthood. For most of my twenties, I tried to earn love. What could I do for them? How could I make their life easier? It didn't really foster the best relationships with people. And necessarily the greatest relationships because of So yeah, I rebelled sometimes. Yeah, made mistakes. And I can say I did do harm. I was also ⁓ who ⁓ didn't know any better. I not how to repair after conflict Someone was always right. And someone was always wrong. There was no middle ⁓ and ⁓ whoever got emotional first lost automatically. So I up Some people call it bravery when I spoke up about injustice, but the truth is I did not have tact. I just had honesty without safety and I didn't have anyone in my family. I truly felt safe leaning on. I was told I was too emotional, too sensitive, too much. I was always being corrected. And now as an adult, I asked different questions. How was a child supposed to process adult level trauma? Why do we expect children to carry things even adults struggle to unpack? For years, I thought some childhood memories were sweet. Watching movies in the basement, Playing with kittens at relatives house. But looking back now, I can see something else. The adults were upstairs, the kids were outside, and I was alone. Isolation doesn't always look obvious when you're a child. Sometimes it looks like being included, but not really seen. Even family vacations were hard for me. New environments overwhelmed me. Everything happened on everyone else's schedule. And when I struggled, I was called dramatic or spoiled. But here's what I understand now. Conflict didn't destroy those relationships. The absence of repair did. Because for me, conflict without repair makes people feel like they're going crazy. Later in life, I found myself wondering something. How could my husband and my children love me even on my worst days? When growing up, one bad day meant punishment or silence. first child was born, postpartum hit me hard. For two years I felt like I was failing, and then something painful but important happened. ⁓ I to see the same pattern show up in my own parenting. Timeouts when emotions were too big, isolation when behavior felt overwhelming, and it broke my heart. But that moment forced me to pause to look deeper, learn. I found out my daughter was having medical needs that were affecting her emotional regulation. And I realized something else too. ⁓ I had never been taught how build structure in my life. School had been the only place I really experienced stability. So I started having to learn it as a mother, but but the final shift in my family came from something that seems small. I had two simple requests. Please stop my personal stories. Those are mine to tell. and please stop giving unsolicited advice while I'm navigating postpartum. Those questions were met with confusion and eventually something familiar. I'm sorry. You feel that way. Then silence and then like clockwork. I love you. Kids grow up fast. We miss the girls. No repair, just a reset button, relationships don't work that. You don't get to skip the damage and jump straight back into connection. Without repair, conflict becomes wounds that never close. Repair requires acknowledgement, accountability, and changed behaviors. Not perfection, but an effort. Consistent effort. And sometimes rebuilding trust takes years. sometimes the person who hurts decides they can't come back. That doesn't make them bitter It means... They choose healing and they may not see the possibility to feel both safety and trying again with the relationship. Once I started seeing this pattern, I noticed it everywhere. Even in moments that were supposed to be joyful, wedding became a source of tension. ⁓ times it felt like my husband and I were side characters in our own story being called bridezilla because ⁓ I didn't want to be late to appointments later. My baby shower felt the same. And eventually I realized something, ⁓ pretending ⁓ everything is fine, isn't love. ⁓ And wasn't anyone any favors. ⁓ Someone has to pay the emotional cost. ⁓ for the longest time, that person felt like was me. And I had to face something difficult. There is no shining night coming to save me because I am the only night ⁓ that can save me. People can me feel safe and do the right things. But at the end of the day, someone can set me up for success ⁓ and I still choose to be It would have been nice to feel supported instead of trying to patch up the cracks like Bruno did in Encanto While at the same time being treated like the problem. But unfortunately life doesn't always wrap up like they do in movies. And eventually the question stops being what happened to me and becomes what am I going to do with what happened to me? That's where repair matters because repair is what tells someone you're safe here. You matter. We can fix this together. Without that, if love exists, even if history exists, ⁓ even if good exists, something still breaks. So back to the question, why is repair the difference between a relationship that heals and one that harms? Conflict isn't what damages a relationship. Avoidance does, deflection does, silence does. Conflict is just the moment something went wrong. Repair decides what happens next. When repair happens, relationships grow stronger, trust deepens, people feel seen. Sometimes connection becomes stronger because of the repair, ⁓ but when doesn't exist, nothing actually resolves. ⁓ The pain disappear. just gets buried and buried pain doesn't stay quiet forever. That's why adult children leave. Not because they don't care, because they tried. They explained, they waited, they hoped. And eventually they realized they were the only ones trying to repair something that requires two people. And the truth is children don't stop needing their parents. They stop feeling safe with them. Repair isn't about perfect. ⁓ We know that it's about back towards the person you hurt and saying, I see it now. I'm listening. ⁓ I want to do differently because without that ⁓ love feel like love. feels like something you have to survive.