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Can Troubled Marriages be Saved? · Long Haul Marriage Roadcast

0:20
Speaker 1: Not just about Evergreen this weekend, but we need to
0:23
Speaker 1: mention about somebody's anniversary that was last week.
0:26
Speaker 2: Yes, we had a great anniversary.
0:28
Speaker 1: Wednesday, June the third, we celebrated thirty seven years. Happy
0:35
Speaker 1: anniversary to us. Yes, so yeah, we missed you guys.
0:38
Speaker 1: Hopefully you've missed us and gone back and checked out
0:41
Speaker 1: a few episodes while we were on a little break.
0:44
Speaker 1: So we're back, and this can be kind of quick. Man,
0:47
Speaker 1: with all the weddings we've had every weekend, You've got
0:51
Speaker 1: Evergreen coming up. I'm going to let you talk about that,
0:53
Speaker 1: and then I know we're just squeezing this in. You've
0:56
Speaker 1: got a zoom call coming up. So this is probably
0:59
Speaker 1: going to be a probably around a thirty minute episode.
1:02
Speaker 1: Hopefully we can get that end. But there lots of
1:04
Speaker 1: good stuff to talk about today. Yeah, something very specific
1:07
Speaker 1: that I heard on a podcast. I'm going to share
1:08
Speaker 1: some of that and then we'll just kind of get
1:11
Speaker 1: our reaction to it.
1:12
Speaker 3: Maybe we could get about marriage. A little shout out
1:15
Speaker 3: to La Pamia. Okay, let's do it full place in
1:19
Speaker 3: glen Rose where he did the wedding for Josh and Lily,
1:23
Speaker 3: and we just took a little extra time to recharge,
1:28
Speaker 3: and man, that was such.
1:30
Speaker 2: A great weekend.
1:31
Speaker 3: Yeah, I mean torrential downpour for the wedding itself, but
1:36
Speaker 3: it's okay.
1:38
Speaker 1: Yeah, it rained hard, but they had the tent, thank you.
1:41
Speaker 1: And the wedding was in the beautiful stained glass chapel
1:45
Speaker 1: that was so gorgeous. Pack standing room only in there.
1:49
Speaker 3: Fun little story in case you didn't see it on
1:52
Speaker 3: our socials, but about this sweet young couple Josh and Lily,
1:56
Speaker 3: and we have their permission to share their story, and
1:59
Speaker 3: they actually shared something on our website a reference. But
2:05
Speaker 3: their mom, Julie, as a Christmas gift in their stocking,
2:11
Speaker 3: gave them a little gift certificate for premarital sessions with us.
2:16
Speaker 2: Well, the kids did.
2:17
Speaker 3: Not know who we were at all, so Julie said
2:20
Speaker 3: she actually didn't even purchase it yet because she was
2:22
Speaker 3: going to make sure they would actually, you know, appreciate
2:25
Speaker 3: it and do it. And so on Christmas morning they
2:28
Speaker 3: opened their stocking to find this gift certificate for long
2:31
Speaker 3: haul marriage premarital sessions and they were like, oh, thanks, wow,
2:38
Speaker 3: And I mean it just feels awkward. You don't know
2:41
Speaker 3: the people, and you're like, oh, dear, well, as they
2:45
Speaker 3: you know, talked about it a little bit more, and
2:47
Speaker 3: then I reached out to Lily and met her and
2:51
Speaker 3: they just started, you know, they decided, Okay, you know what,
2:54
Speaker 3: this will be good.
2:55
Speaker 2: Let's just go all in, let's do it.
2:57
Speaker 3: And so you and I just formed such a sweet
3:00
Speaker 3: relationship with them over I don't know, four or five times,
3:04
Speaker 3: and then met them for dinner after they graduated from
3:08
Speaker 3: premarital and just formed such a sweet relationship. Then they
3:12
Speaker 3: wanted you to do the wedding. So it was kind
3:14
Speaker 3: of like an awkward stocking stuffer turned into a really
3:19
Speaker 3: really incredible mentorship in friendship. So the wedding was so
3:24
Speaker 3: special this last weekend. And I just think that's the
3:28
Speaker 3: funnest way I love.
3:29
Speaker 1: To seeing kind of their two when I see kind
3:31
Speaker 1: of two clans come together, where both of them had
3:34
Speaker 1: just have a strong legacy of family and faith. You know,
3:38
Speaker 1: you can just see all of their prayers for their
3:41
Speaker 1: future mates. You know that they didn't even know while
3:43
Speaker 1: they were praying all of their growing up years that
3:46
Speaker 1: had come to fruition, and just how blessed they felt
3:50
Speaker 1: and how proud they were that their kid had found
3:52
Speaker 1: this other. You know person that they believed the providential
3:55
Speaker 1: hand of God, you know had a hand d so
3:58
Speaker 1: was it was special.
3:59
Speaker 3: Repress precious couple, so so.
4:02
Speaker 1: Real Qui Josh Yah, Julie, thank you, bless you on
4:06
Speaker 1: your journey and uh, we'll be here for the long haul. Yep.
4:09
Speaker 1: You talk about Evergreen real quick?
4:12
Speaker 2: All right?
4:12
Speaker 3: This weekend June twelfth through the fourteenth, we will be
4:15
Speaker 3: in Granite Shoals, Texas, which is right outside of Marble
4:18
Speaker 3: Falls in Austin about an hour.
4:21
Speaker 1: About that place now there no.
4:25
Speaker 2: Well, I don't know you could look it up maybe
4:26
Speaker 2: all right.
4:28
Speaker 3: But beautiful, beautiful Airbnb and we have I think let's
4:38
Speaker 3: see eleven ladies going and then three of us leaders
4:42
Speaker 3: and we have more spots. We still have a king
4:46
Speaker 3: suite available and maybe like four different bunk bed I
4:52
Speaker 3: mean twin beds in the in the community room. And man,
4:56
Speaker 3: we would love if you're hearing this or you've seen
4:59
Speaker 3: it and you're like, I'm right on the edge. Today's
5:01
Speaker 3: the day pull the trigger, go with us. So let
5:04
Speaker 3: me know if you've got questions about that. But you
5:07
Speaker 3: can search Evergreen Women under Facebook and find us there.
5:11
Speaker 3: We would love for you to steal away with us
5:15
Speaker 3: and just enjoy some time to rest, reset, recharge.
5:20
Speaker 2: All the reason it's going to be a sweet time.
5:24
Speaker 1: And I know it's a lot of work, but I
5:26
Speaker 1: just love seeing you doing the prep for this. And ladies,
5:29
Speaker 1: if you're just like you said, if you're on the fence, man,
5:31
Speaker 1: I just want to tell you you're going to be blessed
5:33
Speaker 1: big time. And it's just you know, take somebody said
5:37
Speaker 1: one time about going into a small group for the
5:39
Speaker 1: first time. It's like it just takes ten seconds of
5:42
Speaker 1: courage if you can just walk to the door, because
5:44
Speaker 1: when you walk in, everybody's just so welcoming and you
5:47
Speaker 1: just feel great. That's not I guess, every small group,
5:51
Speaker 1: but that was the way the twenty somethings used to
5:53
Speaker 1: describe walking in here and being just feeling so at home.
5:56
Speaker 1: But it's just so different than many of the experiences.
5:59
Speaker 1: The way that you've designed this, it's by design. It's
6:02
Speaker 1: not going to be just put it on autopilot, plug
6:05
Speaker 1: and play, your typical women's so and and just the
6:11
Speaker 1: the getting into just the quiet and the mindfulness and
6:15
Speaker 1: the practicing the present and all all that stuff.
6:18
Speaker 3: So looking forward to of all stages, all ages. It's
6:23
Speaker 3: not just for a certain kind of yeah, it's it's
6:26
Speaker 3: for everyone. So I'd love for you to join us
6:30
Speaker 3: for Evergreen this weekend. We still have room for you. Yeah, excellent, Okay,
6:34
Speaker 3: Shifting Gears. I listened to all kinds of different podcasts
6:39
Speaker 3: and and uh a lot of times when I mention,
6:43
Speaker 3: let's just say JR. You know, it's like people say, oh,
6:47
Speaker 3: I hate Joe Rogan. It's not about Joe Rogan.
6:50
Speaker 1: It's about the people that he interviews, right, And so
6:53
Speaker 1: I'm really choosy. I'm very picky about even if I,
6:57
Speaker 1: you know, like the Alex O'Connor within Ree podcasts, or if
7:00
Speaker 1: I like SmartLess, you know, the Funny you know, Jason Bateman,
7:04
Speaker 1: Will Arnette and Sean Hayes podcast Conan or Fly on
7:09
Speaker 1: the Wall, whatever, these podcasts, I still look through and
7:14
Speaker 1: am very choosy about which guests that I spend my
7:17
Speaker 1: time on because and it's a subject that I'm interested in,
7:20
Speaker 1: right So, anyway, like him or hate him. Tucker Carlson
7:25
Speaker 1: has a podcast and I saw him it was actually
7:29
Speaker 1: a clip. That's where I usually do more deep dives.
7:32
Speaker 1: I see a clip on social media platform of a
7:36
Speaker 1: guest and the subject matter that they're talking about. And
7:38
Speaker 1: then sometimes I'll just go find that. Sometimes I'll listen
7:42
Speaker 1: to the whole thing, and sometimes I just listen to
7:43
Speaker 1: an extended clip there. But recently Tucker Carlson was talking
7:48
Speaker 1: to doctor Stephen DeYoung and he's pastor of Archangel Gabriel
7:54
Speaker 1: Orthodox Church in Lafayette, Louisiana. And near the end it
7:58
Speaker 1: was like an hour and a half in it's when
8:02
Speaker 1: Tucker Carlson was basically talking about where do you see
8:07
Speaker 1: Christianity flourishing and like like and not just like as
8:11
Speaker 1: a religion or a belief system, but like practically where
8:16
Speaker 1: do you see And then he asked him specifically, so
8:18
Speaker 1: where do you encounter God? Like where do you see
8:22
Speaker 1: Christ at work in your life and in your ministry?
8:25
Speaker 1: So and it was a great question, and I loved
8:28
Speaker 1: the response. But I want you to pay attention to
8:32
Speaker 1: Tucker Carlson's response when he hears something that doctor Dejung
8:39
Speaker 1: says about things that he encounters in ministry and the
8:44
Speaker 1: way he kind of goes back to and it's almost
8:47
Speaker 1: like he's very suspect does and maybe doubts it, and
8:51
Speaker 1: it's like really you've seen that. So I want you
8:53
Speaker 1: you guys to listen to this clip. Let me pull
8:56
Speaker 1: it up real quick and make sure everybody can hear this.
8:59
Speaker 2: Here we go. Let me when was the last time.
9:04
Speaker 4: How do you experience God like actual God's work day
9:09
Speaker 4: to day?
9:09
Speaker 5: Yeah, well, so there's both within the services of the church, right,
9:16
Speaker 5: because I see God very much working in that way,
9:22
Speaker 5: And it's not just the actual quote unquote worship service,
9:27
Speaker 5: but the time spent afterward in fellowship together the life
9:32
Speaker 5: of the community, right, I see that continuously, right. I also,
9:40
Speaker 5: I mean I hear people's confessions, and confession has done
9:45
Speaker 5: a little differently in the Orthodox Church of the Roman
9:47
Speaker 5: Catholic Church because we have this as a spiritual fatherhood tradition.
9:52
Speaker 5: And so I've seen people come through and come back
9:57
Speaker 5: from some really difficul cold and terrible things.
10:04
Speaker 2: Like what.
10:06
Speaker 5: Well, I mean, I don't want to divulge anything. I
10:08
Speaker 5: mean not.
10:10
Speaker 4: Specific specifics, no names, but like what kind of things
10:13
Speaker 4: you're talking about?
10:14
Speaker 5: People who have had the kind of traumatic childhoods that
10:18
Speaker 5: you see as the origin of a villain in a movie.
10:20
Speaker 1: Yeah, like for real?
10:22
Speaker 5: Yeah, yeah, that you know, And and people who have
10:26
Speaker 5: gone down really dark roads of addiction and violence and.
10:31
Speaker 4: And come back from committing from that.
10:33
Speaker 5: Yeah, and uh, and marriage is being saved right after
10:41
Speaker 5: things that should have destroyed them.
10:45
Speaker 4: You've seen that, you think, yeah, and so that all happens, right,
10:52
Speaker 4: it really does. You've seen marriage is totally blown up
10:55
Speaker 4: that are saved.
10:56
Speaker 2: Yes.
10:58
Speaker 5: Yes, And it takes time and it takes a lot
10:59
Speaker 5: of work. Both of the people have to be on board.
11:02
Speaker 5: But but there is healing there on offer from God.
11:08
Speaker 5: Part of the part of the failure of good Night.
11:13
Speaker 1: I couldn't get a pause, So there it is. That's
11:15
Speaker 1: the clip, and so yeah, you notice it's almost like shock,
11:20
Speaker 1: like wait, really he went back to it, like you
11:23
Speaker 1: see marriages that have been totally blown up that are restored,
11:28
Speaker 1: that are put back together. And when I heard that,
11:30
Speaker 1: I thought, man, does does Tucker Carlson not know that?
11:34
Speaker 1: Or maybe he does know that and he wants his
11:36
Speaker 1: audience to hear that, you know, because there's a lot
11:38
Speaker 1: of that. When hosts are hosting, they know the subject
11:41
Speaker 1: matter very well, and they're not you know, they're not stupid,
11:44
Speaker 1: and they just want to emphasize it for the listeners.
11:47
Speaker 1: But either way, I just thought, man, we we have
11:50
Speaker 1: to continue to get the word out that yes, absolutely,
11:54
Speaker 1: I mean yeah. We talk about all these joyful Premieral
11:57
Speaker 1: couples and they're just oh, they're starting their journey and
12:00
Speaker 1: it's great. We love being a part of that, and
12:02
Speaker 1: we love being able to share the wisdom we've learned
12:04
Speaker 1: in our thirty five hundred couples in our thirty seven
12:07
Speaker 1: years of our own marriage. But so much of what
12:10
Speaker 1: we do is meeting with couples that who are in crisis,
12:15
Speaker 1: who are in desperate need of transformation, and they are
12:19
Speaker 1: hanging by a thread. Many times, we heard from a
12:22
Speaker 1: woman last week just who said, I just feel hopeless.
12:25
Speaker 1: We hear that word a lot. I just I feel
12:27
Speaker 1: hopeless because this has gone on so long and I
12:30
Speaker 1: haven't seen change or just keeps happening over and over.
12:34
Speaker 1: And maybe you know I've forgiven, but I don't trust right,
12:37
Speaker 1: trust this future or in it forgiveness is passed. And
12:40
Speaker 1: so when I heard that, I thought, man, I wish
12:41
Speaker 1: I could just Tucker, Can I come on your show
12:44
Speaker 1: and talk about long haul marriage? You want to talk
12:46
Speaker 1: about transformation, Yes it happens, And like the guy said,
12:50
Speaker 1: he said, yes, it takes a lot of work. It
12:52
Speaker 1: takes a lot, but with God's help and people to
12:56
Speaker 1: people who are committed to change, it can happen.
12:59
Speaker 3: Yes, And I think about what I just said about Evergreen,
13:02
Speaker 3: about how every woman of every stage and every age
13:07
Speaker 3: is invited to come. I think about that with long
13:10
Speaker 3: haul marriage, the ages of the people, the stages of
13:14
Speaker 3: the marriages that we get to sit with and listen
13:19
Speaker 3: to and talk to and share hope with and offer
13:24
Speaker 3: a different perspective.
13:26
Speaker 2: It really is.
13:27
Speaker 3: I love the car analogy that we use for long
13:30
Speaker 3: haul marriage, but literally everything that could be looked at
13:34
Speaker 3: and tweaked and fixed on a car from you know,
13:38
Speaker 3: I just need a little bit of air in my tires,
13:41
Speaker 3: can you help me? Or my engine just blue? Or
13:46
Speaker 3: my catalytic converter. I don't know all the car language,
13:48
Speaker 3: but everything that could absolutely happen, from the tiniest of
13:53
Speaker 3: little tweaks to a complete overhaul is what we have
13:58
Speaker 3: seen and what we get to do every day. So
14:01
Speaker 3: I love that, and I do want more and more
14:05
Speaker 3: people to know that. I was shocked when I heard
14:07
Speaker 3: that interview with you that he thought, does he really
14:11
Speaker 3: does he not know that that's possible, and I think.
14:14
Speaker 1: So many people have if you're not in I mean,
14:17
Speaker 1: Tucker's a professing Christian, and I don't know if he's
14:19
Speaker 1: part of a community of faith you know, goes in
14:21
Speaker 1: another word, go to church regularly, but many times, especially
14:26
Speaker 1: how the the you know, the Washington environment he was
14:29
Speaker 1: in for so many years, and in that you know,
14:33
Speaker 1: public broadcasting on you know, a major network. They many
14:37
Speaker 1: times you see the destruction all around you, but you
14:39
Speaker 1: don't see the healing, you don't see the transformations. So
14:42
Speaker 1: just talking to a guy who's in the community of faith,
14:45
Speaker 1: who's doing that for a living man, it gets to
14:47
Speaker 1: and what I loved is that's the first place he
14:49
Speaker 1: went on, where do you experience God in your life?
14:52
Speaker 1: Where do you see the power of God working? And
14:54
Speaker 1: he talked about, well, okay, I see it in the
14:56
Speaker 1: services you know, in church, but then you talk about
14:58
Speaker 1: and the stuff that happens after in the community, right
15:02
Speaker 1: with people coming together. And then he said in confession,
15:05
Speaker 1: and so he started talking about his pastoral work and
15:08
Speaker 1: he mentioned these these you know, traumatic stories that could
15:13
Speaker 1: be these like origin stories for villains, and he kind
15:15
Speaker 1: of chuckled, you know, in movies and He's like really,
15:18
Speaker 1: you know, Tucker was like really, like trauma absolutely, and
15:22
Speaker 1: I just want to again normalize that for everyone listening.
15:25
Speaker 1: That is exactly what we see. That's we've all had it.
15:29
Speaker 1: We've all been through it. And whether it's the loss
15:31
Speaker 1: of someone, you know, with grief, divorced parents, you know,
15:35
Speaker 1: it's people that were you were molested or you were
15:39
Speaker 1: bullied or you know, abused in whatever way physically, sexually, emotionally. Yes,
15:45
Speaker 1: we all lived through that stuff. And I mean you
15:50
Speaker 1: know this, but and we were just recently talking about
15:54
Speaker 1: needing to like maybe start a coaching coaching business, you know,
15:59
Speaker 1: coach the coach is But one of the things that
16:01
Speaker 1: we always do is you before you get into what's
16:05
Speaker 1: going on right now with couples, no matter how long
16:08
Speaker 1: they've been married or engaged, it's like, tell me about
16:11
Speaker 1: your family of origin. Tell me about your relationship with
16:14
Speaker 1: your mom and dad, Tell me about your siblings, tell
16:16
Speaker 1: me about your childhood, what was it like to be
16:19
Speaker 1: you growing up? And then previous relationship, previous relationships and
16:23
Speaker 1: the baggage or issues that happened there. People that talk
16:28
Speaker 1: about you know, the well, my dad was busy, he
16:31
Speaker 1: was working a lot. My mom and dad divorced when
16:34
Speaker 1: I was four. I had some unfortunate things happened to
16:37
Speaker 1: me that were devastating by a sibling, or by a babysitter,
16:44
Speaker 1: or by an uncle or an aunt, you know, or
16:46
Speaker 1: just the list goes on and on and on. I
16:48
Speaker 1: was bullied, my father was incarcerated, my mom was on drugs,
16:53
Speaker 1: and he talked about these people that were, you know,
16:58
Speaker 1: victims of violent crimes, and then Ducker's like or committed them,
17:02
Speaker 1: you know, basically, And that's you know, when you get
17:05
Speaker 1: to church and you think about confession, you think about
17:07
Speaker 1: all these things we do, Oh, you center, you were violent.
17:11
Speaker 1: But again what we do is unpack that and go
17:14
Speaker 1: back because before that person was violent almost you know,
17:19
Speaker 1: a hundred times out of one hundred, violence was done
17:21
Speaker 1: to them. They grew up in it. It was they
17:24
Speaker 1: witnessed it, it was modeled, or it was received by
17:27
Speaker 1: that person, and hurt people. Hurt people, and you're gonna
17:30
Speaker 1: usually and if nothing else, If let's say you're not
17:34
Speaker 1: going to be a violent person, you could say, man,
17:36
Speaker 1: I'll never do that. But a lot of times if
17:39
Speaker 1: it was done to you, now I'm going to medicate
17:41
Speaker 1: that pain if it's not healed. And now the stuff
17:44
Speaker 1: that they used to medicate, the drugs, the alcohol, the promiscuity,
17:48
Speaker 1: the workaholism, then we start calling that sin and it
17:51
Speaker 1: is missing the mark, right. But there's a story, the backstory,
17:56
Speaker 1: the origin story, as the young put it, that you
18:00
Speaker 1: have to dig into. And that's where we start with everyone.
18:03
Speaker 1: And now what we see is good night. We've all
18:05
Speaker 1: got it. And I always tell people, I said that
18:08
Speaker 1: was when I hear their story, and a lot of
18:10
Speaker 1: times they're talking about this stuff and they're kind of
18:12
Speaker 1: smiling through it or kind of laughing through it because
18:14
Speaker 1: they're kind of they're ashamed. And it's like, man, I
18:19
Speaker 1: don't even like saying this out loud. And I'm like, man,
18:21
Speaker 1: don't be ashamed. You don't have to giggle at this.
18:24
Speaker 1: This is traumatic. And I said, this is not an
18:26
Speaker 1: overly dramatic word. This has This is traumatic for a
18:30
Speaker 1: child to go through, and the unhealed wounds of childhood,
18:34
Speaker 1: the unhealed wounds of previous relationships. I love the way
18:38
Speaker 1: John Eldridge puts it in his book Wild at Heart.
18:40
Speaker 1: He says the wound carries with it a message, and
18:44
Speaker 1: the message seems final and true because it's delivered with
18:47
Speaker 1: such force, and that is the thing that becomes our identity.
18:52
Speaker 1: And if we're believing those lies from the enemy, if
18:55
Speaker 1: we have the negative self talk, that is the thing
18:58
Speaker 1: that we that's the inner, that's the belief, that's the
19:01
Speaker 1: identity that we show up with in our marriage. And
19:04
Speaker 1: then when that gets triggered, that trauma, that message, that
19:07
Speaker 1: wound gets triggered, left unhealed, we're going to be that
19:11
Speaker 1: person reliving it is like PTSD literally and the spouse
19:15
Speaker 1: is looking, what who is this and why are you
19:18
Speaker 1: showing up like this?
19:19
Speaker 2: Yeah? Right.
19:20
Speaker 3: It's so interesting and really such an honor to be
19:24
Speaker 3: able to open up space for people to share things
19:28
Speaker 3: that they really, really and truly have. No they're blown
19:32
Speaker 3: away sometimes that what comes out of their mouth. Sometimes
19:36
Speaker 3: just when you open up that space and allow them
19:38
Speaker 3: to kind of go back and think through some things
19:42
Speaker 3: in their past, what comes to their mind almost shocks them.
19:45
Speaker 3: They're like, well, I don't know, like this just came
19:48
Speaker 3: to my mind, Like this is kind of silly, this
19:50
Speaker 3: was so long ago, but gosh, this like this came
19:54
Speaker 3: just popped up when we were talking about it, and
19:56
Speaker 3: so they do, they kind of like they kind of
19:58
Speaker 3: try to minimize it and be like, well, maybe this
20:00
Speaker 3: is nothing.
20:01
Speaker 2: You know, this is kind of silly or whatever.
20:03
Speaker 3: Could yes, But then as they trust us with that
20:11
Speaker 3: very sacred memory and you know, toss it out and go, well, okay,
20:17
Speaker 3: this is what came to mind, and we just sit
20:19
Speaker 3: there and kind of listen and then ask questions and
20:23
Speaker 3: it goes a little bit deeper and just kind of
20:25
Speaker 3: help parse some things out for them. It is incredible
20:30
Speaker 3: to see that light bulb moment for them where they're like,
20:35
Speaker 3: oh my gosh, maybe this does have to do with
20:40
Speaker 3: why I react in such a volatile way, or why
20:44
Speaker 3: I'm so sensitive when you know this is said or
20:50
Speaker 3: this is done. Maybe this is why my trigger is
20:53
Speaker 3: getting tripped with my you know, wife or my fiance
20:57
Speaker 3: or whatever it is. It is really such an incredible
21:02
Speaker 3: work I think that we get to do. It's kind
21:04
Speaker 3: of like archaeologists, like we just dig just a little
21:07
Speaker 3: bit and ask questions and just to see what comes
21:12
Speaker 3: up for people. And so that's one of my favorite
21:15
Speaker 3: things is just being able to sit with people as
21:18
Speaker 3: they untangle some stuff from their past and realize, wow, okay,
21:23
Speaker 3: so yeah, this was maybe a bigger deal, and I
21:27
Speaker 3: don't have to feel shame over that that wasn't my
21:31
Speaker 3: fault or that or or sometimes this was my fault
21:35
Speaker 3: and I need to you know, almost like a confession,
21:38
Speaker 3: you know, going to a confessional, you know, get this
21:41
Speaker 3: off my chest, tell somebody for the first time that
21:43
Speaker 3: I've you know, I've never I've never spoken of this before.
21:46
Speaker 2: Such an honor to get to do that with people.
21:48
Speaker 1: Yes, so many couples when they come in. You know,
21:51
Speaker 1: I've just over the years again you see patterns when
21:54
Speaker 1: you've seen thousands of couples and you realize, okay, is
21:58
Speaker 1: it just this, you know, idiot man who's full of testosterone.
22:02
Speaker 1: He's just he's angry and he's just chill out a
22:04
Speaker 1: little bit, and don't you know, come on, don't don't
22:06
Speaker 1: be angry? Or is there something that that anger is covering?
22:10
Speaker 1: So if it's a covering emotion, and maybe there's some
22:13
Speaker 1: fear there's here, Lauren, Maybe there's some fear there, Maybe
22:20
Speaker 1: there's some shame, Maybe there's some sadness. You know, when
22:23
Speaker 1: I mentioned the father wound, so many men have that
22:26
Speaker 1: and you know, you say, well, my dad, he was
22:28
Speaker 1: he was. I mean, he was busy when we he
22:31
Speaker 1: you know, he's working a lot. But but and I
22:33
Speaker 1: know he loved me, but he you know, he wasn't
22:35
Speaker 1: there for me, and we didn't really connect. He didn't
22:37
Speaker 1: come to any of my games. I mean, that's just
22:39
Speaker 1: such a common scenario, just that particular one. And then
22:43
Speaker 1: that man if he doesn't know that he's got what
22:46
Speaker 1: it takes because his father's never instilled that in him.
22:49
Speaker 1: He didn't say, man, I love you, I'm proud of you.
22:51
Speaker 1: You've got this. And then then you've got this question
22:55
Speaker 1: mark hanging over your head do I have what it takes?
22:57
Speaker 1: And then you're looking for validation, maybe from a woman,
23:00
Speaker 1: maybe from your work, maybe from your peers, but you don't.
23:04
Speaker 1: So there's this deep seated fear and insecurity. And many
23:07
Speaker 1: times then if you were bullied or abused by your
23:10
Speaker 1: father physically or even verbally and emotionally, you can feel
23:16
Speaker 1: shame and that's shame, but then it's going to show
23:20
Speaker 1: up usually as anger. And so that's why you know,
23:22
Speaker 1: one of my first questions, tell me about your dad. Right,
23:25
Speaker 1: But when you talk to these these couples and you
23:28
Speaker 1: get to their family of origin, and things that happened
23:30
Speaker 1: in childhood, and then you go to previous relationships. So
23:34
Speaker 1: I talked about previous relationship baggage, and then you just
23:38
Speaker 1: let them go wherever they want to go. But so
23:40
Speaker 1: many people have had a bad experience, either they've been
23:44
Speaker 1: in an abusive, controlling kind of relationship or they were
23:48
Speaker 1: cheated on. And so that we've talked, I've talked about
23:52
Speaker 1: the betrayal wound and what that can do. So that
23:55
Speaker 1: leads to one insecurity and like, man, this could happen again,
24:00
Speaker 1: and then this hyper vigilance and you're looking for it,
24:02
Speaker 1: and maybe you become suspicious or insecure or controlling or
24:07
Speaker 1: jealous or whatever. But more insidious than that is to
24:10
Speaker 1: lie there's something wrong with me, you know, or they
24:12
Speaker 1: wouldn't have cheated on me. Why does this keep happening
24:15
Speaker 1: to me?
24:16
Speaker 2: You know?
24:17
Speaker 1: And so there's just so much to heal. But if
24:19
Speaker 1: you don't have that intel from previous relationships and from
24:22
Speaker 1: their childhood, then you really, I mean, you're just shooting
24:26
Speaker 1: in the dark. You don't know, and you're going to
24:29
Speaker 1: start dealing with these surface level emotions. There's presenting things
24:33
Speaker 1: that are happening in the relationship, but you have no
24:36
Speaker 1: context and you really don't know the root of it.
24:39
Speaker 2: Right.
24:39
Speaker 3: It's like putting in, you know, someone that needs some
24:42
Speaker 3: internal work, you know, open heart surgery or go in
24:46
Speaker 3: and figure out what's going on inside, and you're like, here,
24:49
Speaker 3: let's just slap a band aid on it. You know
24:51
Speaker 3: that looks like oh wow, okay, I think that's helpful
24:56
Speaker 3: until it's not.
24:57
Speaker 2: And then you're like, wow, why does this keep coming back?
25:00
Speaker 3: You know. It's like when you know, when I'm pulling
25:01
Speaker 3: weeds and I just pull it from the top and
25:03
Speaker 3: you're like, whooh, okay, well that looks better, but then
25:07
Speaker 3: the root is still down there, so it's just going
25:09
Speaker 3: to pop right back up, you know.
25:11
Speaker 1: And before we call it for today, I just do
25:13
Speaker 1: want to highlight one thing that de Young said too.
25:16
Speaker 1: It's when he said, when both partners are willing yes.
25:20
Speaker 1: So many people hear this and think that's bs man.
25:23
Speaker 1: I prayed about this. I tried so hard. And but
25:26
Speaker 1: with with infidelity, with addiction, you know, with abuse, with
25:31
Speaker 1: all kinds of things, we have seen major transformation. But
25:35
Speaker 1: it's when both people say I need I need to repent,
25:40
Speaker 1: I need to change, I need help I will do
25:43
Speaker 1: the work. I will commit to the work. I will
25:46
Speaker 1: commit to this process because this isn't just oh I'm
25:48
Speaker 1: sorry and now oh I'm good, no, yeah, or thank
25:52
Speaker 1: you Jesus because you died for me. It's no, no, no,
25:55
Speaker 1: There's going to be a death of you before there's
25:59
Speaker 1: a resurrect so that that the truth of the resurrected
26:02
Speaker 1: Christ in you is going to have to become manifest
26:06
Speaker 1: in you dying to the person who has been hurt,
26:11
Speaker 1: who is now hurting in your current relationship. And that's
26:15
Speaker 1: a law, sometimes a long process. I love how there
26:18
Speaker 1: the immediacy, if you will, of the filling of the
26:21
Speaker 1: Holy Spirit. Some people talk about these dramatic transformations when they,
26:26
Speaker 1: you know, their eyes are open, they see the light,
26:27
Speaker 1: kind of like the saw. To Paul, I saw something
26:30
Speaker 1: that changed me. I felt something. It was this infilling
26:34
Speaker 1: in dwelling of the holy of the Holy Spirit. But
26:38
Speaker 1: many times what that is, you know, be transformed by
26:41
Speaker 1: the renewing of your mind. If you're walking south, you
26:44
Speaker 1: first have to recognize, oh, I need to turn around
26:47
Speaker 1: and go north. But the minute you turn around, that
26:50
Speaker 1: one hundred and eighty degree nautical turn is repentance, but
26:54
Speaker 1: you're still way south. You've still got a long walk
26:57
Speaker 1: many many times to go north. And that that so
27:00
Speaker 1: I just want to say that for people if you're
27:02
Speaker 1: desperate for change in your marriage and you're thinking, man,
27:05
Speaker 1: it's so beyond I mean, hope, we're just hopeless. Or
27:09
Speaker 1: if they only knew the abuse, the destruction, the damage,
27:13
Speaker 1: the infidelity, you know, all the traumatic stuff that not
27:18
Speaker 1: just we've been through in our past or previous marriages,
27:20
Speaker 1: previous relationships, but in this one, like the damage we've done. Hey,
27:24
Speaker 1: we've seen it. If two people are willing yes to change,
27:28
Speaker 1: there's hope. Yes, And we've seen the power of God
27:30
Speaker 1: transform literally, I mean we are thirty seven years in
27:35
Speaker 1: living testimonies to that.
27:36
Speaker 2: Yes.
27:37
Speaker 3: And can I just make a quick note on something else.
27:40
Speaker 3: And in case someone's listening and you're like, man, they've
27:42
Speaker 3: talked about like the family of origin stuff, and man,
27:46
Speaker 3: the trauma and the you know, past relationship stuff and
27:50
Speaker 3: you know, addiction or abuse and just some really horrific things.
27:54
Speaker 3: Sometimes you may be listening going, you know what, that's
27:56
Speaker 3: not really me. I came from a family that, man,
28:00
Speaker 3: I felt loved, I felt safe, I felt protected I
28:02
Speaker 3: had a fun childhood, but still why am I struggling
28:07
Speaker 3: in my marriage? What's interesting? And Brian and I, you know,
28:11
Speaker 3: you and I have seen this with each other. We
28:13
Speaker 3: both came from really incredible, loving families who stayed together,
28:18
Speaker 3: you know till the day they died. But no one
28:22
Speaker 3: is perfect, and they all have their stuff that they
28:26
Speaker 3: bring in as they parent us. So we've told our
28:29
Speaker 3: own kids, man, we did the best we could. We
28:32
Speaker 3: love you guys, and I think we gave our kids
28:35
Speaker 3: tons and tons of gifts and a good, good head
28:37
Speaker 3: start on life. But man, we've told them, you're probably
28:40
Speaker 3: gonna need to see the counselor and talking about, you know,
28:44
Speaker 3: the way that self, because it's two completely different people,
28:49
Speaker 3: husband and wife, man and woman coming into this relationship
28:52
Speaker 3: with just you know, a different way of seeing life.
28:55
Speaker 3: And so sometimes it just it just you know, takes
28:59
Speaker 3: kind of parson some of that stuff out and figuring
29:02
Speaker 3: that out. So whether you came from like a really
29:05
Speaker 3: rough start in life or a tough past relationship, or
29:09
Speaker 3: you had the gift of a loving, beautiful family but
29:13
Speaker 3: still are struggling, we can help any and all of that.
29:19
Speaker 3: And we are so honored honored to sit with people
29:22
Speaker 3: and do that. So let us know. If you need help,
29:25
Speaker 3: go to our website if you haven't checked it out
29:27
Speaker 3: at long haul marriage dot org.
29:30
Speaker 2: It's a great website, Jamie.
29:32
Speaker 1: It's long haulmarriage dot org or Brian at longhulmarriage dot
29:36
Speaker 1: org email addresses, and we I'm making an announcement. We
29:41
Speaker 1: are done with the later sign off. Okay, we're gonna
29:45
Speaker 1: come in. We're coming in with a new sign off.
29:47
Speaker 1: And it's not bye and it's not later.
29:51
Speaker 2: You know it's going to be.
29:53
Speaker 3: Oh, I don't know. I'm scared.
29:55
Speaker 1: You're scared.
29:56
Speaker 2: I'm scared. What is it doing of y'all know what
30:00
Speaker 2: he's about to say because I don't know.
30:02
Speaker 1: But it's got to be something like the buie that
30:05
Speaker 1: you can you can parley into all these other you know,
30:08
Speaker 1: phrases and words to where it's coming up and later.
30:11
Speaker 1: There's only so many you know you can.
30:13
Speaker 2: So do you have one? Yeah?
30:15
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm just keeping your suspense.
30:17
Speaker 2: You know what it is. I'm ready.
30:19
Speaker 1: I think it's going to be.
30:22
Speaker 2: A little drum roll audios? What no, just kidding? What
30:35
Speaker 2: is it?
30:36
Speaker 1: Oh, let's do No, I'm literally I'm thinking I'm just
30:40
Speaker 1: making it up. Let me go with but I just
30:43
Speaker 1: didn't want to do later, So everybody's still with us.
30:47
Speaker 1: How about some people are thinking, let's do this, let's
30:51
Speaker 1: do oh, I got one see yeah, ooh that's a
30:57
Speaker 1: good I don't know, yes, so here we go. So
31:03
Speaker 1: if you need help for your marriage at long haulmarriage
31:08
Speaker 1: dot org you can find a pana Cea Solutions.
31:16
Speaker 2: What that's horrible