Latest / The Art of Love With Lucia / Why No Contact ALONE Won't Bring Your Avoidant Ex Back

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Why No Contact ALONE Won't Bring Your Avoidant Ex Back · The Art of Love With Lucia

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  Everyone who's done videos on getting an avoidant X back,
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  including myself, always says that no contact is the way to
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  get them back right. And while that's true, don't
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  worry, I'm not backtracking what I've said previously.
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  There's actually something more important than no contact
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  that'll bring them back no matter what their attachment
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  style is. Yes, even if they're avoidant.
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  What is it? Well, stay tuned and you'll find
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  out. Hi, this is the Chia with the
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  Art of Love. I'm a dating and relationship
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  expert specializing in helping you get your ex back or to get
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  over your ex. And welcome back my beautiful no
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  contact army. Have you been a good little
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  soldier? If you have, then you've
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  downloaded my app Silencio to help you stay in no contact.
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  And the link to that is underneath every single video
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  and podcast. And to join our army, all you
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  have to do is hit the subscribe button and you're in.
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  And to read our manual, go to nocontactsecrets.com where you
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  can read 2 free chapters before you purchase the book.
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  OK, so avoidance have a bad name and a bad reputation.
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  They often get painted as impossible to win back because
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  they downplay motions, minimize vulnerability, and protect their
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  independence at all costs. So of course it's natural to
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  think, well if this is their wiring then how the heck am I
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  ever going to get them back? Well, here's the thing.
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  Attachment styles are just defaults, not destinies.
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  Think of your attachment style as an automatic setting, so it
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  runs in the background most of the time.
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  But like your phone automatic settings, it can be overridden
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  manually. And what has the power to
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  override avoidance? Interest level.
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  Which if you've heard my other videos, you've heard me talk
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  about before. And I first learned about
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  interest level from my late friend Doc Love.
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  He always said interest level Trump's everything and he was
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  right because no matter what attachment style someone has, a
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  high enough interest level can override the default settings.
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  Attachment styles are a default, not a destiny.
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  Attachment style explains how they manage closeness.
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  But interest determines whether they stick around or in your
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  case, whether they come back after a breakup.
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  And why is that? 5 reasons #1 The reward
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  outweighs the risk. So normally avoidance see
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  closeness as a threat. But if their interest is high
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  enough, the potential joy and connection is going to be more
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  rewarding than the risk of vulnerability.
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  It feel feels more valuable than the perceived threat to their
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  autonomy #2 they're highly motivated.
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  People stretch beyond their comfort zones when they really
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  want something, right? I'm sure that's happened with
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  you. So interest gives them the
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  motivation to fight against their attachment defenses and
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  reach out to you during no contact.
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  Number 3, they're more willing to tolerate discomfort, so their
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  instinct is going to be to stay awake.
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  They'll feel the urge to createspace, but high interest
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  makes them fight through the discomfort and reach out because
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  the payoff is worth it #4 they're able to access their
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  secure side. So everyone has a secure side.
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  Yes, even you. And high interest is the key
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  that unlocks it. Isn't that great to know?
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  So suddenly they're more willing to communicate and show
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  vulnerability than they normally would.
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  And I can tell you, as a dismissive avoidant, this has
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  definitely been my experience. When I'm very interested in
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  someone, I'm less avoidant. Suddenly I'm secure.
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  And then finally #5 for avoidance, the fear of regret
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  outweighs the fear of rejection. OK, let me say that again.
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  The fear of regret outweighs the fear of rejection.
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  Yes, they're afraid you may reject them if they reach out
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  after the breakup. But luckily for you, their fear
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  of not having at least tried to get you back, we'll make them
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  reach out. Isn't that great?
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  And if you want to check out docs Doc Love's book, The
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  System, there's a link underneath all my YouTube videos
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  that will allow you to read 10 chapters for free.
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  That's right, 10. So how can you know if your ex's
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  interest in you is low or high? OK, so first the bad news.
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  If the interest is low, they'll feel relief after the breakup.
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  They'll quickly distract themselves with work, hobbies,
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  or sometimes a rebound. They'll rationalize.
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  Well, this is for the best. I wasn't happy anyway.
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  And you'll rarely hear from them again because their avoidance
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  style plus low interest gives them no reason to come back.
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  So in this case, their attachment style explains why
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  they don't see closeness. But it's the low interest that
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  makes the breakup permanent. OK, it's not because they're
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  avoidant. Now on to the good news.
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  If their interest level was high, it overrides their
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  avoidant defenses in the long run.
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  So initially, they'll also feel relief.
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  They'll finally have the space they wanted, or thought they
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  wanted. But then the missing starts to
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  build. They notice your absence.
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  They think about the good times you had together, your secret
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  love language, how you made each other laugh.
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  And that's when they'll test the waters with, as I've said many
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  times before, small breadcrumb messages.
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  And eventually they can't resist circling back because their high
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  interest overrides their avoidant defenses.
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  And even a dismissive avoidant who usually avoids vulnerability
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  will risk reaching out if their interest in you is strong
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  enough. And This is why we hear stories
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  of avoidance who seemed done for good, yet months later they're
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  knocking on their ex's door. So don't believe it when you
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  hear that you can't get an avoidance ex back.
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  Now avoidance don't come back just because of no contact.
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  No contact is powerful, but it isn't magic as much as some
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  people wish it was. So it gives them the space they
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  want and it allows their interest level to do the work of
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  bringing them back. But you still need to remember
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  the three foot rule which I talked about in my video last
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  week, and I'll put the link in the upper right hand corner on
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  YouTube. So you have to give them that
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  emotional buffer even when they start to return.
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  Don't start spilling your feelings all over the place.
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  Keep in mind, and I know this is counterintuitive for many
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  people, but their high interest in you is what will make them
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  come back, not your high interest in them.
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  OK, so that means that you are attuned to their rhythms and
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  their possible triggers and when they inevitably pull back, and
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  they will, do not chase, you stand secure 3 feet away
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  emotionally. And your knowing that by being
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  consistent and showing that you're not going to freak out or
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  chase after them or punish them, they'll slowly close the
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  emotional gap. But it has to be on their
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  timeline, not yours. And if you truly love them, you
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  won't try to rush them just to soothe your insecurity.
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  Because when you truly love someone, you allow them to come
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  to you in their own way when they're ready.
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  Now there's two important caveats to keep in mind.
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  No matter how high their interest is in you, if you don't
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  do no contact correctly, they'll automatically pull back.
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  You need to let time and space apart do its thing.
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  And I did a video on that and I'll put the link in the upper
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  right hand corner and to make sure you're doing no contact
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  correctly. I also have a whole no contact
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  playlist on YouTube so check that out.
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  And then the second caveat is that if someone's attachment
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  wounds are very deep or unhealed, even high interest may
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  not overcome their defenses. So for example, an FA might self
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  sabotage. Walk away and stay away from
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  someone they love. I know as much as it sucks.
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  Or ADA might compartmentalize their feelings and just move on.
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  And I keep seeing comments underneath all the videos about
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  avoidance saying that you should be running from avoidance.
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  Why would anyone want an avoidance back?
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  I'll tell you why. Because some people are worth
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  it, OK? And when you meet someone who's
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  worth it, you do anything you can to make it work.
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  So stop trying to shame people for wanting their avoidance X
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  back. So remember, no contact is
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  powerful, yes, but interest level is more powerful.
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  Attachment style is going to shape how they leave and return,
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  but interest decides if they return at all.
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  An avoidant with high interest will always find reasons to peek
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  back into your life, no matter how much their defenses tell
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  them not to. And if their interest level is
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  high, no amount of avoidance will keep them away forever.
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  For those of you who are afraid to do or to stay no in no
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  contact. And if their interest is low,
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  then no amount of no contact will bring them back for good.
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  So now I want to hear from you. Do you think your ex's interest
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  in you is high or low? Comment below.
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  And I do offer one-on-one coaching because it's not just
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  about getting them back, but keeping them back.
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  Yes, interest level, Trump's attachment style.
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  But if you don't handle it correctly, you'll push them
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  right back into their default programming when you do hear
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  from them. OK, so if you would like my
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  help, then contact me at theartoflove.net/coaching and we
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  will send you the rates. They are not on the website.
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  If you found this video helpful, hit the subscribe button so you
• 11:41
  don't miss any future videos. If you're listening to this as a
• 11:45
  podcast and you want to help the show, then just download this
• 11:48
  episode. And finally, remember, love
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  inspires, empowers, uplifts and enlightens.