Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Try A Therapist Who Isn't Your Same Gender To Really Heal Your Trust Issues

Transcript

Try A Therapist Who Isn't Your Same Gender To Really Heal Your Trust Issues · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the dr.
• 0:07
  Psych mom show today, we are going to talk about why it would
• 0:11
  be a good choice frequently to choose a therapist of the gender
• 0:14
  that you have issues with particularly for men, choosing
• 0:18
  female therapist, if they have problems with women and I'll
• 0:21
  talk about the differences and with women, picking that male
• 0:26
  therapist and just pragmatically and philosophically.
• 0:30
  And before we do that though, I will tell you to subscribe
• 0:34
  Because I have some great subscriber episodes out, it's
• 0:37
  going to be 25% of them. The most recent one, was why
• 0:43
  your wife's personality changes after kids?
• 0:45
  That's not even out yet. And before that was, your wife
• 0:50
  should get a chance to complain about how much sex you want.
• 0:52
  So if you want to learn more about your wife, or if you are a
• 0:55
  wife, that wants somebody to speak for you as The Lorax
• 0:58
  speaks for the trees so that you can feel validated and gain some
• 1:02
  kind of strength and clarity about out how to re-approach
• 1:05
  your husband with about the same topics, then the same topics
• 1:09
  that you have. Previously, tried to approach
• 1:10
  him about and failed, then certainly do subscribe and also
• 1:16
  join my Facebook group. Okay.
• 1:18
  So why is the therapeutic relationship important?
• 1:21
  Well, first of all, people don't understand that the differences
• 1:25
  in modalities between CBT. Psychodynamic you have t,
• 1:29
  everything T, T is for therapy, so it's all going to end in t
• 1:33
  Imago, whatever. Like These all these different
• 1:36
  types of therapy. They have according to research
• 1:40
  treatment outcome research, the modality of therapy, except in
• 1:44
  certain cases like for example, exposure therapy for phobias or
• 1:48
  you know, things like that. But in the case of people who
• 1:51
  just need to work through deep-seated long-standing life
• 1:55
  issues, which is the majority of my clients modality does not
• 2:01
  concurred with Effectiveness. Do you know what is the number
• 2:05
  one variable in predicting successful therapeutic outcomes,
• 2:09
  Therapeutic Alliance which refers to the relationship
• 2:12
  between the therapist and the client and the fit and the
• 2:16
  dynamic between them because this is not a job yet that can
• 2:21
  be done by robots and it is done by individual people who are
• 2:24
  very different and some may just click with you.
• 2:27
  And some may not. And I've talked about this on
• 2:29
  previous podcasts about how to find a therapist, you click
• 2:31
  with. But what I, what I really Dulce,
• 2:35
  working with a lot of men, men seem to like the podcast and
• 2:39
  reach out a lot, you know, from the, from the podcast itself, I
• 2:43
  got more mail clients than female clients and but given the
• 2:47
  posts and everything on my website is still equal.
• 2:50
  But anyway, what men seem to want to work on well maybe they
• 2:55
  don't even want to work on it but what the have to work on.
• 2:58
  If they want their life to go better is their relationship
• 3:00
  with their wife. So that's what they come in
• 3:02
  frequently. Wanting to discuss is either.
• 3:04
  Sexual or overall relational issues.
• 3:07
  And there's usually not one without the other and the fact
• 3:10
  that for whatever reason their wife thinks they're a real prick
• 3:12
  and they don't know why, and they want to work on this either
• 3:16
  with the wife and couples counseling or on their own.
• 3:19
  And the thing is is guys who have trouble relating to women,
• 3:25
  and I'm not saying your female, co-workers, that's how you in
• 3:28
  your girlfriend's all throughout your 20s.
• 3:30
  I'm seeing basically, your long-term intimate Partners
• 3:33
  which is usually the guy's wife Or maybe like his ex-wife and
• 3:36
  his current life or whatever when they have problems with the
• 3:42
  wife, they usually have problems with women.
• 3:44
  Overall, they don't tend to empathize with women.
• 3:47
  They don't tend to trust women there have been experiences in
• 3:51
  their lives where they have learned not to trust women.
• 3:53
  Usually going back to Guess Who the mother and the father.
• 3:59
  Also, because they didn't see the father treat the mother,
• 4:01
  well or the mother treat the father well or whatever they
• 4:04
  learn not to To trust women and or male-female relationships.
• 4:07
  So, it could be extremely transformative to forge a strong
• 4:12
  Therapeutic Alliance with a woman that you trust.
• 4:15
  And the only way you're going to do this without cheating, you
• 4:18
  can't go have an emotional affair with another woman.
• 4:21
  Your wife doesn't want to talk to you right now.
• 4:23
  So the only way to do that is with a female therapist, and if
• 4:27
  you have do develop a close, working relationship with a
• 4:30
  female therapist, you will start to see things about women that
• 4:34
  Didn't know before and she'll be able to explain your wife to
• 4:37
  you. And more importantly, she'll be
• 4:39
  able to show you an example of a woman who cares about you
• 4:43
  listens to you and is not doing anything bad.
• 4:49
  You know, like the you say go like well, maybe my wife listen
• 4:53
  to me when we were dating but now she treats me like shit or
• 4:56
  whatever. So you get to see that.
• 4:58
  Basically a woman, can be trusted.
• 5:01
  And since the woman in the case of therapeutic relationship, Is
• 5:04
  not relying on you for anything, except to be, you know, my you
• 5:09
  send show up to session and not, you know, not to pay or yell at
• 5:13
  her or whatever. Then usually the relationship
• 5:16
  will go well and you will increasingly build more and more
• 5:20
  trust and understanding of women from talking to a woman every
• 5:23
  week and then can come the parts where she explains your wife to
• 5:27
  you and etc, etc, or the female experience, overall in the
• 5:31
  world, a female sexual experience and and So many other
• 5:35
  aspects of femininity which will, of course, then help you
• 5:37
  with your daughter. If you have one or probably a
• 5:41
  mother if she still alive or whatever.
• 5:43
  So what about the opposite? What about when women have
• 5:47
  trouble trusting men? Well, it can be very useful to
• 5:50
  have a male therapist in this regard, but a practical sense,
• 5:52
  they're just not as many male therapist, and a lot of them
• 5:55
  because there are so few of them, they go into, they get
• 6:00
  into the niche of only working with men because the there's a
• 6:04
  Lot of men who will only go to a male therapist because they're
• 6:07
  not listening to me on my podcast.
• 6:10
  And they think that a man will understand them better.
• 6:12
  Listen, you as a man, you can find other men to talk to.
• 6:16
  That's how loud, even if you're married.
• 6:18
  You could find male friends who could find a male mentor of some
• 6:22
  sort, you know, your boss is, probably a man, if you're in a
• 6:25
  male-dominated field and so are your coworkers.
• 6:27
  But yeah, I can talk to another woman on an intimate level women
• 6:33
  pan, find a male. Pursues just fewer of them and
• 6:36
  sometimes they are in just kind of male niches such as literally
• 6:40
  working with only men's issues. But if you can find a good male
• 6:44
  therapist that you that that can provide a healing experience.
• 6:48
  And have you understand men? And trust men again through this
• 6:53
  transference going well then good, then you can do that as
• 6:57
  well. It's just not as practical.
• 6:59
  Sometimes it's harder to find men who go into the field.
• 7:03
  Didn't used to be that way. Way, when it was an occupation
• 7:06
  that had more medical doctors that provided psychoanalysis but
• 7:09
  as the as more therapist started to have all sorts of degrees and
• 7:14
  there were fewer barriers to entry, then women join more and
• 7:19
  that's just kind of how it is. You know, now it's a
• 7:21
  female-dominated field because there's more women who go into
• 7:25
  the caretaking occupations that want to talk.
• 7:27
  I think, you know it's like a talking caretaking occupation.
• 7:31
  So you know there's going to be an overlap between what women
• 7:33
  like and Occupation. So sometimes men might feel like
• 7:38
  a woman is not going to understand them.
• 7:40
  She's not going to empathize with them.
• 7:42
  If you are thinking this, you're exactly the guy who needs a
• 7:46
  female therapist. Because why would you assume
• 7:49
  that? Yes, she doesn't have a penis
• 7:51
  but if you prick heard this, she not bleed, you know, I mean like
• 7:54
  she's a person and the guys who cannot understand that a woman
• 7:58
  could have a deep empathic connection with them, are the
• 8:00
  ones who most need to have a female therapist too.
• 8:04
  Understand that women, in fact can have a deep empathic
• 8:07
  connection with men and to help you explore.
• 8:10
  Why you have these preconceptions around women and
• 8:14
  where you learned them and how to unlearn them and experiment
• 8:16
  with other ways of be it. So the benefits of talking to a
• 8:21
  woman once you get outside your comfort zone and you want to do
• 8:24
  it our vast. Because you can, if you talk to
• 8:28
  male therapist, you can make plenty of progress and
• 8:30
  understanding yourself, but to some extent, you're in your
• 8:34
  comfort. It's Zone because you've always
• 8:36
  talked to guys, you know, you may not talk to them on this
• 8:39
  deep of a level, but you've certainly always talk to men.
• 8:41
  You had to you were a man, you are a man.
• 8:44
  If you're talking to a woman on an intimate level frequently,
• 8:46
  it's the most that a man has ever talked about feelings to a
• 8:49
  woman and seeing that, she doesn't shame him that she's
• 8:52
  interested engaged. That she wants to know more that
• 8:57
  she is able to understand that. She's able to see his experience
• 9:02
  in a different way. These can all be very Be very
• 9:05
  healing for men. Particularly who have had bad
• 9:08
  relationships with women, or who don't trust, and I have a whole
• 9:11
  subscriber, only podcast on men who don't trust.
• 9:13
  And if you are like this, you should listen to this.
• 9:16
  So, sometimes and this is kind of taboo, people don't like to
• 9:20
  admit this. But sometimes women, the wives
• 9:23
  of these men, that could really benefit from talking to female
• 9:27
  counselors the wives, don't like that idea because very human
• 9:32
  understandable reason. They're like, I've been Asking
• 9:35
  to talk to this motherfucker for our entire marriage and now we
• 9:38
  can talk to some other woman. Fuck that.
• 9:41
  And why, why is he talking about other women and not me.
• 9:43
  So if you do feel any jealousy, as a woman, on the idea, about
• 9:47
  the idea of your husband, talking to a female therapist,
• 9:51
  keep in mind that with very rare Exceptions.
• 9:54
  There are, I mean, you don't think about your clients, like a
• 10:00
  potential husband, like, nobody, like, no therapist come in and
• 10:04
  they're trying to Steal your man, very rarely.
• 10:07
  I mean, there's there's while say to you this way, there's
• 10:09
  plenty more times that I've seen in just from being in the field
• 10:16
  and from reviewing the literature on this sexual
• 10:21
  harassment, and these dual relationships male therapist
• 10:24
  much more frequently. Obviously, you know, do this,
• 10:30
  like, you know, act inappropriately, with female
• 10:31
  clients, just as males, cheat more than Walls, Etc.
• 10:35
  Males, do these sexual behaviors more than females.
• 10:37
  That's just how it goes. But so it's real rare for a
• 10:41
  woman to have any designs on your husband.
• 10:43
  That is, if she is his therapist, it's really hard to
• 10:47
  be attracted to somebody that you're talking to about all of
• 10:49
  their shit all the time. Also, of course, it does happen.
• 10:54
  You know, that a man can get a crush on his therapist because
• 10:57
  that's called transference and even if like you were like a 90
• 11:02
  year old female therapist, there's going to be a A guy that
• 11:05
  visualizes you as like his perfect partner and you're so
• 11:09
  understanding and you listen and you're invested and you know
• 11:12
  they're of course your invest is 45 minutes a week.
• 11:15
  It's all new information. Of course the therapist going to
• 11:18
  be more interested than like your wife who you've been saying
• 11:20
  the same stuff to for 20 years. But you know, the guys isn't
• 11:23
  think about that in the moment and he develops a crush on the
• 11:26
  therapist who's like totally normal.
• 11:28
  But a usual, like the usual situation for that, is that,
• 11:33
  that is not. Even like discussed.
• 11:36
  All sometimes people bring that up with some therapist and it's
• 11:38
  always a great concern for the therapist and they seek
• 11:41
  supervision especially when they're younger.
• 11:43
  And this is like your big thing. But like a big bad thing.
• 11:47
  You know, that they need to seek supervision about how to handle
• 11:50
  but the reality is the majority of men don't even let that into
• 11:53
  their Consciousness. If they have a crush on the
• 11:55
  therapist and the therapist is turns into more of a
• 11:58
  transference figure for like a mother and that is kind of the
• 12:03
  ideal. Attachment relationship is that
• 12:06
  the therapist can help re-parent the client.
• 12:09
  So that the ideal is that on some deep subconscious level.
• 12:14
  The therapist turns into not the wife that the man ever had but
• 12:17
  the mother that the man would have wanted who's actually more,
• 12:21
  you know, interested engaged objective.
• 12:24
  Not not, you know, very anxious or depressed or or am IA or
• 12:31
  biased or mean, or like whatever was up with the Anne's
• 12:35
  childhood. So this could be a very
• 12:37
  reparative experience. If you allow your husband to go
• 12:40
  to a female therapist, he may end up being a far better
• 12:43
  husband, because he will have learned how to engage on a deep
• 12:46
  level on, to trust a woman, which will only make him a
• 12:48
  better husband to you. Of course, if your husband
• 12:51
  happens to be like a tremendous sex addict or something, that
• 12:55
  would be the only situation where a male therapist would be,
• 12:59
  would be indicated, and a female would be contraindicated.
• 13:02
  But that is an unusual situation and Fact males, I was saying,
• 13:06
  like men go into certain occupations, certain types of
• 13:08
  therapy compared to women and one of them is that frequently
• 13:14
  met male therapists work with male sex addict.
• 13:17
  A lot, of course, female therapist also work with male
• 13:19
  sex addicts, but if you're a wife that's been cheated on then
• 13:23
  I can totally see why you wouldn't want your husband going
• 13:27
  to a female therapist. So fine.
• 13:28
  But everybody else, you know, just try to kind of work through
• 13:32
  that on your own and And that is probably very, very low
• 13:37
  likelihood. That your husband would even be
• 13:39
  somebody who had a crush on the therapist.
• 13:41
  And in reality, he would be somebody who ended up
• 13:44
  subconsciously thinking of the therapist as a beneficent sort
• 13:47
  of Parental presence that trains him.
• 13:50
  And teaches him to, you know, expand his Horizons in terms of
• 13:54
  what he thinks that he is capable of in terms of deep
• 13:58
  interactions with women and Trust foundational.
• 14:02
  Trust is really the key. To have a trusting relationship
• 14:06
  with a female therapist could be transformational for man, that's
• 14:09
  never trusted a woman before and it can be the same for women who
• 14:13
  have worked with male therapist that they could be like, the
• 14:15
  father that the woman never had on some level.
• 14:17
  You know, like to see a guy let's say, who doesn't raise his
• 14:20
  voice is like a big fucking deal for some women who grew up in a
• 14:24
  very angry home with a volatile father who is like always losing
• 14:28
  a shit to be sitting there with a man who's just wants to talk
• 14:32
  about you and is calm and Are every week and reliable can
• 14:36
  really be life-changing and perspective shifting.
• 14:40
  So if you, if you are somebody that that has ever been thinking
• 14:45
  about that, you want to work through your issues around women
• 14:48
  or if listening to this podcast has really brought to the fore
• 14:51
  of the issues with women that you do have.
• 14:54
  Then. Yes.
• 14:54
  If you are thinking about getting a therapist then try the
• 14:57
  person of the gender that you don't trust.
• 15:00
  You know it's something where you're going outside your
• 15:03
  comfort zone and In the service of being an overall more
• 15:08
  complete and whole and trusting and confident, and authentic
• 15:12
  person, which are things that everybody wants, and aspires to
• 15:17
  in therapy, and out of therapy. And, and if you find yourself,
• 15:22
  being scared, or cynical or closed off to the idea, then
• 15:28
  that is really something to deeply introspect about, you
• 15:31
  know, because that probably means that you're somebody who I
• 15:34
  would feel who would, who would do their best to being
• 15:37
  challenged versus sticking right inside your comfort zone, as you
• 15:41
  previously have also, sometimes think to yourself, if you
• 15:43
  haven't really made, a lot of progress working with a
• 15:46
  therapist of the same gender. Why not?
• 15:47
  Try the other one. I mean, what's the definition of
• 15:49
  insanity, right? Same thing over and over.
• 15:53
  Yeah. And expecting a different
• 15:54
  outcome and that is sometimes what people do and it's through.
• 15:57
  No fault of the same gender therapist is through, not it's
• 16:00
  not their fault at all. It could not be a good click or
• 16:03
  it could be that That you really don't get activated Enough by
• 16:09
  your core issues, in the presence of the same gender
• 16:11
  therapist. You're just kind of floating
• 16:13
  like you do coasting and they're not really triggering you in any
• 16:17
  way. So you can't really open up to
• 16:19
  doing deeper harder work because it's kind of just, like
• 16:23
  chatting, like, with a friend. All right.
• 16:25
  Hopefully, this made you think about some stuff and I will talk
• 16:29
  to you all soon. Bye bye.