Latest / Libido Lounge / Is POLYAMORY Your Perfect Match Ally Iseman

Transcript

Is POLYAMORY Your Perfect Match Ally Iseman · Libido Lounge

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We have a whole society built on avoiding discomfort.
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Yeah.
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It's okay to be uncomfortable.
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It's okay to have feelings that don't feel great sometimes.
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Like, it's the human experience.
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Again, it's not failure.
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It's growth.
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It's process.
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They're not called growing pleasures.
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Right?
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Right now, all you know is that you're curious.
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That's great.
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That doesn't mean you go to a sex party tomorrow or you bring a third person into your
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bedroom.
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Right?
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This means you're curious.
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You wanna learn more.
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We're in a society where we're given like a relationship prescription is what I call it.
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Here's what relationship looks like.
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That is it.
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And if it's not working for you, you are the problem.
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That's just not true.
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It's never been true.
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Is your relationship a safe container to have these uncomfortable conversations?
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You're doing life with somebody, some weird shit's gonna happen along that ride.
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You've gotta be able to sit in that discomfort and work through it together and and learn how
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to make it something that actually strengthens your connection in your relationship.
0:54
A relationship without trust and freedom isn't partnership.
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It's ownership.
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So you get better at the skill that life is uncomfortable.
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There's always gonna be uncomfortable stuff, but you get better at navigating it.
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By owning your needs, you gave your partner the invitation to participate with you or not.
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Neither is wrong.
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Do you wanna be with a partner who's choosing to be with you or who feels like they have no
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other choice?
1:26
Hey, everybody.
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Quick break at our episode to talk to you about our sponsor, My Libido Doc.
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Now back to our show.
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Hey, everybody.
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Welcome to the lounge.
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I'm so excited to introduce you to our guest today, Allie.
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I'm your sexologist and libido expert, doctor Diane.
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And the reason I'm so excited to introduce you to Allie today is for so many reasons.
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Those of you who've been following my show for a long time have heard some of my own story, my
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history with consensual non monogamy, and eventually me landing through my own discovery
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and my own self exploration that I love monogamy and that I really am truly wired that
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way.
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Now one of the things that I learned the most from that particular lifestyle is that we get
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to make our own rules and that in relationships, the more we can explore what is
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right for us and what is right for our relationship and how that looks to bring
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passion back into whatever type of lifestyle or whatever type of arrangement you choose and you
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and your partner choose, this is so amazing, right, that we get to actually create what we
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want.
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So while I talk so much in my work with my clients around novelty and monogamy and how to
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bring the passion back, I wanted to bring Allie in because she's so amazing at really going
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deep into this topic and really bringing the awareness of both the principles of this for
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things like monogamy, but also how to begin to explore and deepen and open up your
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relationship if that is truly what seems like the right thing for you and your partner.
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So welcome to the show, Ali.
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I can't wait to dig in.
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Thank you so much for having me.
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What a wonderful introduction.
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Thank you.
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My pleasure.
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So let's like just lay the ground rules because I really haven't talked a ton about like the
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other side of monogamy and, you know, consensual non monogamy.
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And there's so many different ways that this can look.
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So and people I think get confused between consensual non monogamy and polyamory and
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swinger lifestyle and, you know, all of these things can have their little nuances.
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So can you just kinda open this up with like the framework so we're all on the same page or
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like, what exactly are we even saying with this?
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Absolutely.
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And first and foremost, this is a conversation about relationship dynamics.
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So don't ever hear me as saying, you know, monogamy bad, non monogamy good, or anything
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like that.
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These are all relationship dynamics that when we understand what's actually available to us,
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like you said, we can actually make a decision.
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We can make a choice about what we want.
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So the easiest way to break down what seems like a lot of terminology that sounds very new
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is non monogamy, consensual non monogamy, ethical non monogamy.
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These are synonyms.
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Right?
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E n m, c n m.
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And they're the umbrella term for a number of different relationship dynamics such as
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polyamory, swinging, solo polyamory, relationship anarchy.
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It's like an umbrella term for all these different dynamics, and then monogamy.
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So monogamy is, you know, one sexual romantic life partner.
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Non monogamy is having multiple sexual romantic intimate partners simultaneously with the key
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ingredient, the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved.
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Right.
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So I think that's one of the most important things where people get confused around, like,
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we're not talking about cheating.
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Right?
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The ethical word is that it is transparent.
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It is with integrity.
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It is with honesty and openness and ground rules, and people are playing in a way that is
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in agreeance for what they've determined are their their agreements in their relationship.
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Exactly.
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You know, in thinking about
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this, right, because I know one thing that comes up, like like, non monogamy and the
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openness and other partners is something that I think a lot of people, no matter what their
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relationship choice is, I think a lot of people fantasize about this, right, about fantasize
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about that novel new partner.
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So what are your strategies around if somebody, you know, is hearing this or if they are having
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these fantasies?
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Like, how do people start determining if exploring this with their partner is something
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that's, you know, open or there is right for them versus, like, oh, this really needs to be
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kept in fantasy.
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Like, what do you recommend on that?
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Well, I think starting with curiosity over conviction is something I like to say.
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Right now, all you know is that you're curious.
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That's great.
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That doesn't mean you go to a sex party tomorrow or you bring a third person into your
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bedroom.
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Right?
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This means you're curious.
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You wanna learn more.
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I like to use metaphors.
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I'm a whore for metaphors.
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You're gonna hear me use a number.
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I love it.
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If you if you know you're interested in in swimming, you don't just go dive into the
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Pacific Ocean.
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Right?
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You find, you know, a teacher, a local pool.
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You get some lessons, some group lessons, some individual lessons.
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You try it out in the pool, then you get into, you know, bigger waters.
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It's a process.
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Right?
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So right now, you're just curious to learn more.
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You don't even know what this thing is necessarily or what it's gonna mean to you and
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what your needs are.
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So right now, you just wanna learn.
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So if you're looking at bringing this up to your partner, again, starting with curiosity
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over conviction, that initial conversation is really about gauging where they're at.
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You're not asking for anything other than, hey.
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Have you even heard of this?
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I've heard this term, consensual non monogamy or, you know, this new movie or this show or
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whatever.
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I read this article.
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Have you heard about this?
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What do you think about this?
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Gauge where they're at with it, and then invite them on exploring what this even is, learning.
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Again, not experiential right away.
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But, like, let's read this article together.
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Let's go to this movie together.
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Let's talk about this.
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What even is this?
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That is step one before anything else happens.
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Yeah.
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I know.
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I love that.
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I know, like, when I was getting started, when I tried this for the first time, it was, like,
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finding every book and article I read of that then.
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It was, like, ethical slut or ethical slut and sex before dawn and those kind of books.
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And, you know, now there's even books like Polysecure and some of the newer books that
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have come out that really address different components of it.
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But it was cool.
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You know, the cool thing about that was if, like, for me, it did lead to two cents of
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trying that type of relationship.
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But what's very interesting about it was even from a standpoint of just, like, reading those
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books and just, like, talking about it, even if it wouldn't have moved past then, it still was,
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like, really, like, hot.
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Like, it still just, like, allow these conversations with my partner at the time, my
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main partner at the time, to to actually, like, unfold.
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And even, like, talking about it was kind of like foreplay.
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So do you see that in your in people you coach with that?
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Absolutely.
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That's why I I like to say whether you choose to open up your relationship to include other
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people or you just wanna open up more authentically to each other, I help you open up
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without blowing up.
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Because regardless of what happens after, you need to at least be able to talk about this.
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Like you said perfectly, the curiosity.
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Right?
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Coming from that curiosity, is it gonna stay in fantasy, which means it's just in your
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imagination?
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Maybe it's something you guys play with, you know, fantasy land versus desire, which is when
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you bring a fantasy into reality, into practice, you know, IRL.
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So getting to explore what this really is starts with you.
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What are your needs when it comes to your sexual or physical needs, your emotional or
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romantic needs?
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What is your hierarchy of exclusivity on both of those planes?
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And then that helps you understand which relationship dynamics really support that.
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We're in a society where we're given, like, a relationship prescription is what I call it.
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Here's what relationship looks like.
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That is it.
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And if it's not working for you, you are the problem.
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That's just not true.
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It's never been true.
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Our species is incredible.
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We are, we're ambiamorous.
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We are perfectly natural and capable of having monogamous and nonmonogamous relationships
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throughout our history.
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This is not a new conversation.
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It is a new modern conversation in a sense.
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But really understanding what relationship dynamics are enables you to actively build and
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then choose your relationship.
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Again, even if it's monogamous.
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Now you're actually choosing it because you know, like you figured out, this is the
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relationship structure that supports me and what I need.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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I love that.
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And so in thinking about this, right, so I like this, you know, curiosity and it's a really
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great start for people.
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Are there questions from like a self discovery, you know, process?
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Are there questions that you recommend people, like, ask themselves and take into, you know,
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journaling or meditation or working with somebody like yourself?
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Like, how how does that self exploration beyond the curiosity go?
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Like, where where do you advise there?
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Yeah.
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So I'm something that's really integral here is understanding your big why.
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And I actually have a free tool called what the fuck do you want workbook.
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It helps you understand your big why.
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Why are you even curious about this in the first place?
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That is so important.
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You can go to passporttopleasure.
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It's the numeral two.
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Passport to pleasure dot com slash big y, the word.
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Okay.
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And we can share hopefully, we can share those links.
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I'd like Yeah.
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I find that people like to hear it too because sometimes they get lost in the show notes.
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Absolutely.
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Passporttopleasure.com/bigy.
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And that is a great little workbook that will help you with some fun exercises to really
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uncover where this is coming from for you.
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Is this sexual?
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Is this emotional?
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Is it both?
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And understanding that big why is really gonna inform your whole journey.
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It's always what you're gonna come back to when you're making these decisions, when you're
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having these conversations with your partner or partners.
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It is that is that starting point.
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Right?
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And so, like I said, kinda touched on earlier that looking at your hierarchy of exclusivity
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when it comes to your sexual physical needs and your emotional romantic needs.
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We don't all have the same level of of exclusivity in both of those areas.
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We don't all necessarily need the same amount of exclusivity.
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So really understanding where you fall, then learning about all these different relationship
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dynamics helps you figure out where on the, you know, relationship dynamic chart you fall.
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This is all stuff that I walk people through in my course, e and m one zero one.
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Because it's it can seem like a lot because it's new.
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Right?
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That's all it is.
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It's once you kinda get into it and you're learning this new language, it's just like
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learning any new language.
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It's just new.
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That's all.
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It seems like a lot.
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It's just new.
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It's okay.
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Beginner's mindset.
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Yeah.
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And I think a big key that I look for in couples is, you know, how do you handle
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mistakes in your relationship?
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Is it just a blowout blame game situation, or is it like, hey.
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What happened here?
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What can we learn from this?
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What do we need to change and shift so that it doesn't happen again?
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Is there value here?
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Are there boundaries and agreements that we need to adjust?
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Understanding things like jealousy, mistakes, etcetera, as learning opportunities, as points
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of actual deeper connection is a huge part of this.
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And that's actually, honestly, one of the biggest things that even monogamous couples can
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take away from learning about consensual nonmonogamy.
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Yeah.
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Oh, I couldn't agree more.
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It's a it's a really good opportunity to work through, like, oh, like, like, in life, in
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relationships, it's so easy to find jealousy over anything.
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Right?
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Over, you know, looking at another person that's beautiful, over a conversation, over
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hanging out with somebody as friends, like, so many different things.
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And I think one of the things that I have seen with the ethical nonmonogamy arrangement is it
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does, like, those things that it can be, like, almost in shadow where we're like, okay.
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It's like easy to put over the side.
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Even though these things are often impacting ourselves and our relationship, it does bring
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some of it in my experience, some of those things up to the surface that says, hey,
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there's something here that we actually need to spend time to work on ourselves and to address
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and and all of those things.
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So I
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really love for that.
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And, when it comes to, say, pros versus, let's call them challenges.
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Right?
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So in an ethical non monogamy scenario, what are some of the things that you've seen across
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the board as being like, hey.
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These are really common, you know, pros, benefits that people get out of that
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arrangement.
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And what are some of the things that you see from the other side of like, okay, these are
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challenges that come up that, you know, people might struggle and and have more effort in in
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working through and figuring out?
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Sure.
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I think the the key here is really understanding consensual non monogamy as
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exposure therapy, honestly, like relationship exposure therapy.
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It's not really adding anything new that wasn't there.
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It's just, like you said, bringing it to the surface.
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So you're really gonna get to see who you and your partner really are and the quality of your
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relationship.
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Is your relationship a safe container to have these uncomfortable conversations, which are
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still required by monogamous relationships?
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Just a quick break to let you know that eighty percent of women do not have orgasms from
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vaginal intercourse alone.
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So many people are not having the type of sex that is healing, that brings them closer, that
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brings them more connected, that is full of so much pleasure and passion that it can build
15:03
bones, reduce stress, help serotonin, bring happiness, lower anxiety, improve sleep, and
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build a better connection with your partner.
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That is what hot and modern monogamy is, is modern monogamy that brings in all of that
15:18
passion, that desire, that closeness, and that healing, and that's what you can get at the hot
15:23
and modern monogamy club.
15:25
So if you're interested in that and I can help you, please go to modernmonogamyclub.com.
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Now back to our show.
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You're doing life with somebody, some weird shit's gonna happen along that ride.
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You gotta be able to sit in that discomfort and work through it together and and learn how to
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make it something that actually strengthens your connection in your relationship.
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So something like, again, the the benefits are just to me, like, endless.
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That, you know, increased, safety from communication, using tools using things like
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jealousy as a tool rather than trying to avoid it or run away from it, really owning and
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understanding your desires, your needs, learning how to ask for and speak for them, and
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then boundaries.
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There's this big misconception that boundaries are rules.
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Right?
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That this is how, you know, I separate myself from everyone else.
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If you cross my boundary, you know, you're, you know, you're wrong and I'm gonna punish you and
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all this stuff.
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Boundaries are the edges of our comfort zone.
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Boundaries are how I take care of myself and how I invite you to join me in that.
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And if you can't, that's okay, but this is how I'm gonna still take care of myself.
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Myself.
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Yeah.
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Understanding where those boundaries are and not not misconstruing them for rules.
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Boundaries are about me.
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Right?
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I.
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Rules are about you controlling somebody else.
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And then agreements are about basically boundaries for our relationship.
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So the easiest way to break it down is boundaries are me, rules are you, agreements
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are we.
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So really understanding the difference there helps you create a relationship that has
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freedom.
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And that doesn't necessarily mean multiple partners.
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It means two individuals or more, but two individuals who are free to explore and be
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curious and learn and grow, get uncomfortable, and expand.
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That is the making of what I call expansive love.
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Again, whether it includes multiple people or not or multiple partners or not, this is how
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you create the foundation for a relationship that is growing and open.
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Something I like to say is a relationship without trust and freedom isn't partnership.
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It's ownership.
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So if you wanna create partnership, you really have to integrate tools like boundaries,
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learning how to use jealousy, etcetera.
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But as far as what, you know, like, as as you said, challenges, it's it's challenging because
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it's new.
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Absolutely.
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You're going to be given the opportunity to really deal with some uncomfortable stuff, but
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it's just like going to the gym.
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Right?
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The first time you go to the gym, it's really hard.
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But you know what?
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Those weights don't get lighter.
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You just are able to lift bigger and bigger weights.
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So you get better at the skill that life is uncomfortable.
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There's always gonna be uncomfortable stuff, but you get better at navigating it.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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I think that's any anything that is growth oriented is that way.
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Right?
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Like, the bigger challenges we face in anything in life.
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It's like, woah.
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I survived that.
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And then it allows us to have a bigger and broader threshold for tolerance around what we,
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you know, what we can actually say accomplish and overcome and navigate and emotionally stay
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grounded during all of that.
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So Yeah.
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I think the boundary conversation is really important.
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So let's go back to that.
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So in this conversation around, okay, boundaries are the I.
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Right?
18:41
Boundaries are like, okay.
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They're for me.
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How do people begin to to unpack that and and deal with sometimes, okay.
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Well, like you said, you're so well said around, like, boundaries might not always be
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respected.
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I still have then an internal way of protecting my and taking care of myself during that do
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that.
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So I think that's a pretty, like, big concept, and we're saying that.
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That can sound, like, pretty esoteric.
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So do you have any, like, examples of how that could really look around?
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Like, okay.
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Let's say, like like, a common thing, you know, in, like like, going through that world, it was
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very interesting how every relationship had their agreements.
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Right?
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And so it's navigating a lot of, like, okay.
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Now there's a new relationship with new agreements, a new relationship new agreements,
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and there was a lot of navigating that.
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And it was common that somebody might have, you know, a a boundary or, I guess, like, the if
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the partner had, say, a rule, and it would be something like, well, their rule and their
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agreement with their other partner was that, hey, there'd be no spending the night.
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Or I met somebody that the rule that he had was five hours at a time.
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That was the max any sort of date could ever last.
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Right?
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And so where do you, you know, where do people begin?
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And it's like, okay.
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Well, if my boundary let's say somebody is like, my boundary is this is what it is and
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they wanna engage with somebody and there's this almost this conflict, how do we begin to
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take care of ourselves if somebody is, say, not respecting our boundary?
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I'm gonna use an example that's probably gonna be very, feel might feel a bit dramatic for
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some people.
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So I'm just gonna preface with that, but it's the most clear way I can think of to describe
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it.
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So our relationships, we have a very, we have a very closed version of relationship in our
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society.
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And, again, it's kind of what I mean by, you know, partnership versus ownership.
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We're making choices.
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Relationships are in agreement.
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Right?
20:44
There's there's no real shackles.
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There's not we are choosing to be with each other regardless of, you know, whatever forms
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have been filed and labels have been attached.
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You are actively choosing to be with somebody in whatever dynamic you're in, what however
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informed or uninformed that might be.
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So the difference between boundary and rule is I get to decide what you know, am I am I
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monogamous?
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Am I nonmonogamous?
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Do I want one partner or multiple partners?
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I don't get to tell my partner how many partners they get to have.
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I don't get to make them non monogamous if they only want to be with me anymore than they get
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to make me monogamous if I am non monogamous.
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But we get to decide what kind of partners we want to be with.
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So I don't get to go, you can only see me.
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I get to go, I wanna be in a relationship with I feel safe in a relationship.
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I feel, you know, whatever adjectives in a relationship with a partner who is monogamous.
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So that may equal not being in a relationship with that person.
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Monopoly relationships are a % possible.
21:47
You can have a monogamous partner and a polyamorous partner because, again, you're
21:51
agreeing to be with that person as who they are.
21:54
You're not trying to make them or tell them to be somebody else.
21:57
You're taking responsibility for the kind of partner or partners that you wanna be with.
22:01
Does that make sense?
22:02
Yeah.
22:03
I mean, it's a it's a perfect example.
22:04
It's actually, like, was applied even to my own life around, like, that was a huge part of why,
22:08
like, the last poly relationship ended is I there's many reasons, but one of them was I am
22:14
like, came to a conclusion after some years that that was not the lifestyle.
22:18
And he came to the conclusion after some years that it was definitely the lifestyle.
22:23
And we could have stayed in that relationship, but I also relationship, but I also came to the
22:25
conclusion for myself, like you're saying, of like, oh, I actually want to be with somebody
22:30
and it's my boundary that I wanna be with somebody that actually is interested in the
22:34
same type of relationship structure for a lot of different reasons.
22:37
And so then my choice was, okay.
22:40
Well, this is not our values around this are not the same, it's important enough to me that,
22:44
you know, why we have to go our separate ways.
22:47
So that to me is, you know, an example of what you're saying around, like, yeah, there's we
22:51
gotta take.
22:51
We are responsible for our own responsibilities, and it might mean, that in
22:57
that scenario, like, the relationship ended, but there was still that choice.
23:00
I still had my own Exactly.
23:02
Own power.
23:03
Right?
23:03
By owning your needs, you gave your partner invitation to participate with you or not.
23:10
Neither is wrong.
23:12
Right?
23:12
It's again, the the this framing of, like, the end of a relationship is somehow a failure.
23:18
Well, how is it a failure if by ending that version of relationship, both people are able
23:22
to create something that's more supportive to what they want and need in their lives.
23:27
That sounds like success to me, and you both learned that through being with each other?
23:31
Chef's kiss.
23:32
That is a fantastic Right.
23:35
Exactly.
23:36
Exactly.
23:36
It was like a lot of self exploration.
23:38
And here's where I think it gets tricky.
23:40
So here's where I think people get confused between, like, ultimatums and boundaries.
23:46
Right?
23:46
So I think it would be good to bring that up because it's so easy in this example, right, to
23:50
say, okay.
23:51
Well, here's my boundary.
23:53
And if you can't meet me here, I have to go take care of myself, which might mean that this
23:58
relationship is over.
23:59
That can also, like, be construed.
24:01
You could look at it from a certain frame and be like, well, that's an ultimatum, and there's
24:05
such a negative con con text around ultimatums, which I think is like I think there's some ways
24:12
that ultimatums or boundaries are done that is goes in more to this, like, controlling or
24:18
forcing type of thing.
24:19
Right?
24:19
Mhmm.
24:20
And that's, like, that's where I think they get a bad reputation.
24:23
But where is that fine line between between exactly this, like, okay.
24:27
This is my boundary versus, hey.
24:31
I'm doing this as a way to manipulate and control.
24:34
Well, it's it's there's intention involved in that for sure.
24:37
And it's, again, it's is it about you and your experience, or is it about making somebody else
24:41
do something?
24:42
Yeah.
24:43
Do you wanna be with a partner who's choosing to be with you or who feels like they have no
24:47
other choice?
24:49
Yeah.
24:49
I personally would much rather know that my partners are actively choosing to be with me
24:54
when they're with me, that they know that our relationship is an open space for them to
24:59
explore and question and come to me with curiosities, concerns, etcetera.
25:04
It is an act of choice every day whether we acknowledge it or not to be in relationship.
25:10
So how you frame it is key, and that's, you know, what you what intention are you bringing
25:13
to this?
25:14
Is it you better do this and you're weaponizing your relationship?
25:18
You're weaponizing connection with you?
25:20
Or are you saying, I I am here.
25:22
I'm available, but this is what I'm available for.
25:25
Are you able to meet me in, you know, the field of availability, or are you in a different
25:29
area?
25:30
Great.
25:30
You're in a different area.
25:32
That doesn't I'm I'm obviously sounding very, like, cool and chill and everything.
25:36
These there's emotions involved.
25:37
It it can be challenging, and there's tears, and, like, that's okay.
25:42
I think we have, there's a lot of things at play here.
25:44
We have a whole society built on avoiding discomfort.
25:47
Yeah.
25:48
It's okay to be uncomfortable.
25:50
It's okay to have feelings that don't feel great sometimes.
25:52
Like, it's the human experience.
25:54
Again, it's not failure.
25:56
It's growth.
25:57
It's process.
25:57
They're not called growing pleasures.
25:59
Right?
25:59
Like, sometimes there's pain involved, and, you know, you you move forward from that, and
26:04
ideally you learn.
26:06
Yeah.
26:06
I think we also have a society that just we've not been trained very well in how to embrace
26:11
and deal with the concept of paradox.
26:14
So I think it's really hard for people in these situations that we're talking about around,
26:17
like, oh, the paradox of, like, I can be joyous and happy about taking care of myself and at
26:23
the same time devastated that it might mean, in this example, losing a partner.
26:27
Right?
26:28
And sometimes it's very difficult to, you know, to to actually, you know, rectify that we can
26:34
feel these two sometimes very polar emotions at the same time.
26:38
And we have a word for it in society.
26:39
We have, like, bittersweet.
26:41
Right?
26:41
Which is kind of what that word is.
26:43
But we I think we're just, like, not really taught from the standpoint of, like, the
26:46
challenge and the emotion behind that what actually happens.
26:50
And what I'm hearing you say there is, okay, from the standpoint of boundaries versus
26:57
ultimatums, it really comes down to, like, the word choice and the the framing and our
27:02
intention behind it.
27:03
And we can come at that that whole conversation from a place of, like, you know, this is just
27:08
me showing up for myself and in love and wanting you to choose the best life for you and
27:14
me to choose the best life for me.
27:16
And we're just seeing if that matches, and that's one conversation versus, hey.
27:20
I'm going to do this and I'm gonna use this and I'm gonna use language of, like, if you don't
27:24
do this, I will dot dot dot dot dot.
27:26
Mhmm.
27:27
And that languaging could have a lot more, like like, control and manipulation behind it.
27:31
Correct?
27:32
Is it a power play, or is it an invitation
27:35
Right.
27:35
At the end of the day?
27:36
Yeah.
27:36
It's a very good distinction.
27:38
Well, I know we're we're starting to wrap up on time here.
27:41
We're definitely gonna let everybody know how to get ahold of you, and we already, you know,
27:44
talked about your, offering that we want we'll put in the show notes.
27:48
But before we wrap up and actually say all that, is there anything in this discussion that
27:52
you feel like we have to say that we have not said in in the conversation of, like, ethical
27:58
non monogamy of, you know, starting the the conversation, of starting to begin to maybe
28:04
explore this?
28:05
Any like, this is essential.
28:08
Yeah.
28:08
I I think we we kinda started with it, but I just wanna reiterate.
28:12
Learning about this is just learning about relationship dynamics.
28:16
We have a society that again gives us this prescription, so it's very easy to be kinda
28:21
lazy about relationship.
28:23
A lot of people are participating in what I call lazy monogamy.
28:26
Oh, yeah.
28:26
We're in relationship now.
28:27
We kinda went through this whole journey.
28:28
I assumed a bunch of stuff.
28:30
Like, we're on a date.
28:30
It probably means the same thing to you.
28:31
We live together.
28:32
It probably means the same thing to you.
28:33
Lot of assumptions, not a lot of conversation.
28:36
Relationship is an actual skill set.
28:38
You see people have no problem going to, you know, professional communication courses and
28:43
how to be a better leader and all that stuff.
28:45
This is all relationship.
28:47
Why is there so much shame and avoidance around developing those same skills for our most
28:51
important relationships?
28:53
So this is just, a conversation about learning relationship skills, learning about all the
28:58
relationship dynamics available so you can actually make an active choice.
29:03
Doesn't mean you have to open up your relationship tomorrow.
29:05
Doesn't mean you're gonna open up your relationship ever.
29:08
It means you're committed to choosing whatever relationship you're in.
29:12
Yeah.
29:13
Amazing.
29:13
And and that's a really good lead in too, everybody.
29:16
We're gonna film part two and do part two in a second.
29:18
Part two, you'll be able to access in the libido club, so you'll find that in the show
29:22
notes as well.
29:23
And in part two, what we're doing is we are talking about how to take all of these concepts
29:28
and really apply them more to the couple that has, you know, decided that they want to be in
29:34
a monogamous relationship, and that's best for them.
29:36
But some of these concepts we're talking about really do apply to monogamy.
29:40
So if you're listening to this and you're like, oh, this is for me.
29:44
I you know, but as far as the concepts, but you wanna stay in monogamous relationships,
29:49
definitely tune in for part two and how to find that will be below.
29:52
And then, of course, we wanna tell people how to, you know, work with you and all of that
29:56
because also as somebody who's, like, gone through all of that.
30:00
And and I like I said, I read, like, every book and every article and everything that I could
30:04
find back then.
30:05
It was really helpful.
30:06
And having gone through that whole process, having somebody that like yourself that has
30:12
walked it, that has steps, that has processes, I just think is so important because I really
30:18
did see in that in those types of scenarios with people I met.
30:21
I saw people who were, like, not navigating conversations well and was leading to a lot of
30:26
fighting.
30:26
And I've seen relationships destroyed over it that could have probably been saved had they
30:32
just figured out how to actually communicate effectively and with love and and do some of
30:38
the steps.
30:38
So I think, you know, having that support is essential if that is if people are interested
30:44
in more exploring ethical non monogamy.
30:46
So how do people get a hold of you to learn
30:49
and get Well, yeah.
30:51
And I just wanna reiterate what you said too.
30:52
The right support is so key because when you have a society again that has one view of what
30:57
relationship looks like, very well meaning friends and family, when you're meeting those
31:01
inevitable struggles, it's so common for them to go, you know what?
31:04
This wasn't coming up until you tried opening up, so maybe you guys should close down.
31:08
Maybe this isn't for you.
31:09
When really the guidance of somebody who can really help you dig in and see what the root
31:13
really is to help you on this journey is is just integral.
31:18
And so many, unfortunately, so many relationship therapists, counselors, coaches,
31:23
again, come from a very mononormative viewpoint because that's most of what's out there.
31:27
So having a specialist for this explicit, you know, experiment, if you will, is is so key.
31:34
So so so key.
31:35
So how do you find me?
31:37
Passport to pleasure.com.
31:40
Again, that's the number two passport to pleasure.com.
31:44
I have a very active Substack where I share tons of free content all about all these
31:49
different skills, everything you can learn from consensual non monogamy to support your
31:53
relationship journey, everything from jealousy to communication to compersion, the boundaries,
31:58
tons of stuff on there.
31:59
I do videos.
32:00
I do written articles.
32:01
I share some of my own personal story as well.
32:03
And then I also have a monthly relationship column, advice column called ask Ali, and it's
32:08
an inclusive relationship advice column because I do work with monogamous couples as well.
32:12
There's been a few couples that have come to me thinking that, you know, I think we wanna open
32:16
up.
32:16
Well, let's figure out what that looks like.
32:18
And, actually, they just wanted to be able to open up to each other and talk about these
32:22
fantasies and play with them and explore them.
32:23
And then they decided, you know what?
32:25
Actually, we're gonna remain monogamous, but now we have a deeper, more expansive level of
32:29
communication and understanding about ourselves and each other.
32:32
Amazing.
32:33
And we'll have all of those links in the show notes, you guys.
32:36
And thank you again, Ali.
32:38
Thank you for being here and sharing your your wisdom and your knowledge and just for helping
32:41
this community so much.
32:42
Really appreciate you.
32:44
Thank you.
32:45
And everybody, look in the show notes for all of this, and we will see you in, you know, in
32:51
the future for another episode on the lounge.
32:53
Take care.
32:54
Thank you for listening to the Libido Lounge.
32:59
Please don't keep me a secret.
33:01
Please share this with your friends.
33:02
You can find me on YouTube, on Instagram, as well as how to work with me at mylibidodoc.com.