Latest / Black Girls Heal / #300: How to Heal From Your Mother Wound?

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#300: How to Heal From Your Mother Wound? · Black Girls Heal

• 0:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: My job is to somehow make them curious enough.
• 0:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'll persuade them by hook or crow to get more aware of themselves and where they came from and what they are into and what is already there is just to bring it out.
• 0:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: This is what compels me to compel them and I will do it by whatever means necessary.
• 0:29
  [SPEAKER_01]: We'll talk to the Black Girls Hill podcast where we talk about healer, intimacy disorders, and resolve trauma, and building a healthy relationship with first ourselves, and then others.
• 0:39
  [SPEAKER_01]: Every episode, we will talk about advice you can apply today to break unhealthy patterns, and grow in your self-worth.
• 0:46
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm Sheenella Shea, a love addition coach and trauma specialist.
• 0:50
  [SPEAKER_01]: Let's begin.
• 0:54
  [SPEAKER_01]: Hello, hello.
• 0:55
  [SPEAKER_01]: Welcome to the latest episode of Black Girls.
• 0:57
  [SPEAKER_01]: He all, I am so happy to be with you today.
• 1:00
  [SPEAKER_01]: Today is the first day of our new series where we are going to be looking at mother and father wounds.
• 1:10
  [SPEAKER_01]: This is bar none, usually one of the favorite topics of everyone who comes across as podcasts.
• 1:19
  [SPEAKER_01]: When we look at just the underlying trauma and the importance of harder relationships with our mothers, our fathers, our caregivers, aunties, uncles, authority figures and the impact that it may have had in our lives.
• 1:32
  [SPEAKER_01]: The mutual relationships are our first ones into the world, and especially the one that we're going to focus on today, our mother moves if we have any.
• 1:41
  [SPEAKER_01]: If we are listening and we can identify that there are still some source spots that we need to to work on, whether or not we are able to say that today we have a positive relationship with our mother because I know that that is the
• 1:55
  [SPEAKER_01]: or a common experience for many people.
• 1:58
  [SPEAKER_01]: So maybe you did have a relationship that started off contentious, but as time, space, energy, experience, and maybe the growth of your mother, you were able to build a friendship that's real, but that still does not erase the real bones of half and before.
• 2:14
  [SPEAKER_01]: And maybe some of you, it is still very contentious.
• 2:16
  [SPEAKER_01]: It is still very hot and cold.
• 2:19
  [SPEAKER_01]: It is still push pull.
• 2:21
  [SPEAKER_01]: She still says things are does things that are very hurtful.
• 2:25
  [SPEAKER_01]: And no matter how you try to communicate what's going on, it still happens.
• 2:29
  [SPEAKER_01]: Or maybe she's no longer with you anymore, whether or not she has passed away.
• 2:33
  [SPEAKER_01]: whether or not y'all are in no contact, she's incarcerated, she is no longer mentally stable, so not even able to have these conversations at all.
• 2:42
  [SPEAKER_01]: There are many ways to lose a mother who may still be with you physically in this world, but still be distance in so many other ways.
• 2:51
  [SPEAKER_01]: So that's what we're going to get into today.
• 2:52
  [SPEAKER_01]: We're going to talk about healing the mother wound.
• 2:55
  [SPEAKER_01]: We're pulling from one of the first set of episodes that is from episode ninety three where I talked about healing the mother wound.
• 3:02
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so I do hope that you find this series helpful.
• 3:06
  [SPEAKER_01]: I do hope that you find the healing that you need.
• 3:10
  [SPEAKER_01]: And as always, if you would like to continue the conversation and talking about healing your mother wounds, you can do so in our BGH members club.
• 3:17
  [SPEAKER_01]: You will find a worksheet for this week's episode along with healing historical questions.
• 3:22
  [SPEAKER_01]: If you go through the podcast episodes with a friend or with a loved one for a sister with a sister or maybe
• 3:28
  [SPEAKER_01]: For some of you, maybe even your mother.
• 3:30
  [SPEAKER_01]: Some of you may have evolved to a place where y'all can talk openly about these things.
• 3:35
  [SPEAKER_01]: If you're in that, by the way, if you're not at the place with your mother, we're just having casual conversations about things that may have been miscommunications in your everyday life.
• 3:45
  [SPEAKER_01]: Now is hard.
• 3:47
  [SPEAKER_01]: Do not try to talk about the contents of this episode or the things that we're running to discuss with her.
• 3:54
  [SPEAKER_01]: because you're going very deep in a relationship that is already shown that it's not available for even the most insignificant things.
• 4:01
  [SPEAKER_01]: So if you want to talk about these things, talk about it with a trusted mental health professional, with friends, loved ones or family members that are safe spaces to do so.
• 4:11
  [SPEAKER_01]: But if you are setting yourself up to have this facilitatory conversation with someone who doesn't want that or doesn't even see that there's a problem, you may be setting yourself up for heartbreak.
• 4:22
  [SPEAKER_01]: Again, let's come and discuss this in a members club at blackrollshealed.org size.
• 4:26
  [SPEAKER_01]: Members, if you would like to, but for now, we're going to go ahead and jump on in, and I hope that you find the content helpful.
• 4:34
  [SPEAKER_01]: Hello ladies and welcome to the latest episode of Black Girls Hill.
• 4:38
  [SPEAKER_01]: So today's episode, I am talking about grieving, not having the relationship that you will want with your mother.
• 4:46
  [SPEAKER_01]: At the time that this episode is coming out is the week before Mother's Day.
• 4:50
  [SPEAKER_01]: And right now, there is a season, a Mother's Day content that I have been sharing on TikTok.
• 4:58
  [SPEAKER_01]: I've been doing a mini series on working through your mother wound trauma.
• 5:04
  [SPEAKER_01]: I actually recorded an episode that was supposed to come out today, but it's going to have to come out next week because the original topic for today was about how to work through the attachment that you may have with your daughter.
• 5:20
  [SPEAKER_01]: So there are a lot of us who are mothers of daughters and we may feel irritation with them.
• 5:28
  [SPEAKER_01]: We may feel even some animosity and resentment towards them.
• 5:31
  [SPEAKER_01]: No matter how much we love them, we might even feel some jealousy for some of us.
• 5:37
  [SPEAKER_01]: for a lot of us we can even find that it's harder for us to attach to our daughters compared to our sons and not knowing what to do with that, not knowing if that's just because of who our child is or if it is something else and my what I'm going to be sharing next week is that I think a lot of the detachment that many of us have
• 6:02
  [SPEAKER_01]: who are mothers of daughters with our daughters is more about the trauma that we experienced that stops us from being able to connect to our own little girl inner little girls and by way of that because we don't have that connection with ourselves because of the trauma that we experience we can have that disconnection with our daughters it is almost like we're recreating our trauma not only for ourselves but with our daughters and our daughters feel that and they experience and then they grow up to be women who
• 6:27
  [SPEAKER_01]: make struggle with connection with other women or with their daughters and it's just a whole cycle.
• 6:32
  [SPEAKER_01]: So next week's episode I'm going to really be talking to any women who identify with what I just said.
• 6:39
  [SPEAKER_01]: And if that's not you, great.
• 6:41
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm so happy.
• 6:41
  [SPEAKER_01]: I hope that you are pouring.
• 6:43
  [SPEAKER_01]: a lot of love, in connection, and time, and sensitivity and vulnerability into your relationship with your daughters.
• 6:50
  [SPEAKER_01]: But for everybody else, where this may be a sensitive topic, and you have maybe even felt some guilt around it, or it wasn't even on your radar until I just said it, and you're like, oh,
• 7:01
  [SPEAKER_01]: She does get on my nerves a lot and sometimes it does feel like it's more than what it should be.
• 7:07
  [SPEAKER_01]: More than the typical mothering is hard and building relationships with children when they can be children is difficult.
• 7:17
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, there might be some some validity to that.
• 7:21
  [SPEAKER_01]: But as I was prepping that episode to release it today, I was thinking there are so many of us who are we are those daughters.
• 7:28
  [SPEAKER_01]: We are those adult women who either had or still have
• 7:34
  [SPEAKER_01]: contentious relationships with mothers, with mothers that we may feel just don't like us as people, or maybe super critical with us, or maybe jealous of us, and betray us, and go around our backs and manipulate us and put us in between people, and they are, they treat wants to blame differently than us, especially if that's to blame as a boy, or even if that other sibling is another female identifying person, but feeling ostracized by that person, and so just thinking about,
• 8:02
  [SPEAKER_01]: for us as daughters, how turning that episode would be.
• 8:07
  [SPEAKER_01]: So I wanted to prantably come in and talk about grieving the relationship that you wish that you would have had with your mother.
• 8:16
  [SPEAKER_01]: Because I think even hearing those things that out loud can bring up some pain as as children no matter how
• 8:24
  [SPEAKER_01]: tragic or horrible the past has been there's always a part of us that we shouldn't have to be that way that wishes that we could have just had a mom who was there who was just there unconditionally whether or not the conditions were premature death or addiction or mental illness or
• 8:43
  [SPEAKER_01]: her just reliving her trauma and projecting her shame and her issues on to us and being a bystander when other things happen.
• 8:52
  [SPEAKER_01]: There's no matter even if we've had to emotionally and mentally distance ourselves from our mother, we don't outgrow
• 8:59
  [SPEAKER_01]: wishing that we could have had her just hold us in our arms and just love us just because we are us and thinking about that and feeling that can be very hard and to say the least it can be very hard and it can drive you crazy you can make you feel like you're going in circles
• 9:20
  [SPEAKER_01]: and a lot of things a lot of times what I see with the women that I support is they have this back and forth between okay my mom hurt me again she betrayed me again she did this again that's it I'm cutting her off either legitimately not talking to her or I'm going to act like I don't need her anymore it's not I'm not gonna call her as much I'm gonna create distance I'm not gonna go around and they go this long period of time as long as they can longest relative to the person but they go as long as they can with having this internal wallet
• 9:47
  [SPEAKER_01]: until that wall comes down.
• 9:49
  [SPEAKER_01]: Why?
• 9:49
  [SPEAKER_01]: Because there's that part of us that always wants our mother relationship, because our mother relationship is our first relationship.
• 9:57
  [SPEAKER_01]: And if we don't get in our mother a lot of times, our mother wound is what leads us to these tragic, addictive relationships with other people, because I need to be cared for, it doesn't go away, y'all.
• 10:08
  [SPEAKER_01]: Just because we try to act like it doesn't exist, does not mean it's not there.
• 10:12
  [SPEAKER_01]: And like I've said before,
• 10:14
  [SPEAKER_01]: our knees always come out sideways when we do not acknowledge them.
• 10:18
  [SPEAKER_01]: Okay?
• 10:19
  [SPEAKER_01]: So, you go through this time when you're like, fine, I don't, you know, forget her, I don't need her or I'm just going to act like she's in acquaintance and go and try to get love someplace else and then that that period of time ends and then you try again, you know, maybe mama's nice again or maybe you're just getting your tired of having to hold that energy.
• 10:42
  [SPEAKER_01]: and you try again and the same woman she always was shows up and you feel that pain, you feel the betrayal, you feel that rejection, you feel that abandonment.
• 10:52
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so what I tell y'all to do and what I tell my students to do is we need to get to a place where we grieve the relationship that we wish that we would have had with our mother and we can grieve
• 11:06
  [SPEAKER_01]: We can grow someone who is still alive.
• 11:08
  [SPEAKER_01]: We can grow someone who is still physically with us because there's still sadness.
• 11:15
  [SPEAKER_01]: We can miss something that we wish that we had access to.
• 11:19
  [SPEAKER_01]: And we can yarn for it.
• 11:21
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so the way for us to move forward is to acknowledge that yearning to make meaning from it.
• 11:25
  [SPEAKER_01]: and then find ways to give to ourselves what it is that we need.
• 11:29
  [SPEAKER_01]: So with that said, I'm going to go through, think I wrote down four steps.
• 11:33
  [SPEAKER_01]: There might be five.
• 11:34
  [SPEAKER_01]: There might be like a part beat or something in here.
• 11:36
  [SPEAKER_01]: But here are four things that I want to give you to do to give this relationship with your mother.
• 11:40
  [SPEAKER_01]: This will be a shorter episode because the episode next week will be longer.
• 11:45
  [SPEAKER_01]: Like I said, I've already recorded it and I might do some edits.
• 11:50
  [SPEAKER_01]: But for the most part is probably going to be
• 11:53
  [SPEAKER_01]: longer and length.
• 11:54
  [SPEAKER_01]: So I want to balance this out.
• 11:56
  [SPEAKER_01]: And then also, shout out to my ladies at the Black Roper bottle podcast.
• 12:01
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm actually going to be on their podcast this month.
• 12:04
  [SPEAKER_01]: I want to say the second week of May.
• 12:06
  [SPEAKER_01]: So after Mother's Day as well, where I'm going to be talking about mother wounds.
• 12:10
  [SPEAKER_01]: So y'all, y'all got me in all these places talking about mama mama pain.
• 12:16
  [SPEAKER_01]: So let's do this shorter episode.
• 12:18
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I hope that the women who need it find it helpful.
• 12:22
  [SPEAKER_01]: So the first thing that you need to do to review your relationship with your mother is to be honest about the pain that you have.
• 12:29
  [SPEAKER_01]: So someone I posted one of the TikToks on Instagram because I just wanted people on Instagram to know that I'm talking about mother wounds on TikTok.
• 12:40
  [SPEAKER_01]: And someone posted a comment, what if you never had a relationship with her and you feel no bond with her.
• 12:49
  [SPEAKER_01]: I have an answer to that person again and I guess I'm just going to answer it here.
• 12:55
  [SPEAKER_01]: My thought is the pain that you had to go through as a young child to reach that point, to reach that point where you had to in your mind and your heart and your spirit cut off.
• 13:11
  [SPEAKER_01]: any connection to her or that she preemptively tried to cut off any bond with you and what that the pain that must have been for you as a child and go back to what I already said before that
• 13:26
  [SPEAKER_01]: that mothering need doesn't go away is a human is actually a living being need you know there are mothers and all species of the world but especially for us as humans we are needed to be cared for so maybe the pain is not maybe your honesty would not look like man I wish that Sandra Joy was around all the time right maybe she really
• 13:51
  [SPEAKER_01]: has done some horrific and horrible things, but maybe the pain is, I wish I would have had a mother figure.
• 13:58
  [SPEAKER_01]: I wish I would have not had to create something outside of myself that I didn't have to be so independent, that I didn't have to learn how to be a survivor so early on, that I didn't have to learn how to push on my feelings down
• 14:10
  [SPEAKER_01]: and to go without, I wish I could have just lived life to be free and to have loved.
• 14:15
  [SPEAKER_01]: I was given to me freely without me having to worry about this.
• 14:20
  [SPEAKER_01]: I wish and that might, as you're honest about that, that might actually lead you into being more honest about what you wish could have been there with.
• 14:29
  [SPEAKER_01]: Sandra Joy, what you wish that she, what she would have chosen.
• 14:34
  [SPEAKER_01]: If she would have chosen differently when it came to addiction or to boyfriends that she led inside the house or to choosing work over kids or choosing her anger over calming down or choosing whatever it was that may have been the pain point for you.
• 14:49
  [SPEAKER_01]: Her choosing to actually work to move your off-board instead of staying in the same place.
• 14:54
  [SPEAKER_01]: You know, there's so many different ways that
• 14:57
  [SPEAKER_01]: All of our story shall are so unique.
• 15:00
  [SPEAKER_01]: I don't talk enough about the impact of foster care and whether or not it was by a familial adoption or foster care or that we weren't able to be in the house, but not being able to be connected to our biological parents.
• 15:19
  [SPEAKER_01]: can and does create wounds in many of us, even if our foster parents and our adoptive parents are wonderful, there's still that kind of question back in your mind about what happened and why and what do they think and what do they need and what do they feel and if you don't have continual communication with them, those unanswered questions can cause a lot of feelings, right?
• 15:41
  [SPEAKER_01]: So my first suggestion again, I said I was going to keep this short, it's for you to be honest about what it is that you wish your relationship with your mother would look like.
• 15:49
  [SPEAKER_01]: So just really quickly to talk to the woman who still have their mothers and their physical vicinity and maybe you're constantly in communication with her.
• 15:58
  [SPEAKER_01]: But because of the sudden things I've already listed, the communication is very tense.
• 16:04
  [SPEAKER_01]: There's a lot of conflict.
• 16:05
  [SPEAKER_01]: She's stuck in her way, she doesn't see the air.
• 16:08
  [SPEAKER_01]: So getting close can be harder even though you're an adult and you can in your mind rationalize was going on.
• 16:14
  [SPEAKER_01]: You're you're opening try to find solutions.
• 16:16
  [SPEAKER_01]: So if that's the case, I want you to be honest with yourself about what it is that you wish that you could have.
• 16:21
  [SPEAKER_01]: I wish I could talk to my mom without her.
• 16:24
  [SPEAKER_01]: Talking over me, I wish that she would be nice to me.
• 16:26
  [SPEAKER_01]: I wish that she would be more patient.
• 16:27
  [SPEAKER_01]: I wish that she wouldn't keep secrets.
• 16:29
  [SPEAKER_01]: I wish that we could spend more time together without her needing to have somebody else there.
• 16:33
  [SPEAKER_01]: I wish that she would tell me the truth about this.
• 16:36
  [SPEAKER_01]: I wish that she would tell me she's proud of me.
• 16:39
  [SPEAKER_01]: I wish that she wouldn't prioritize once of laying over me.
• 16:43
  [SPEAKER_01]: Again, so many, so many,
• 16:49
  [SPEAKER_01]: options.
• 16:50
  [SPEAKER_01]: So many alternatives.
• 16:51
  [SPEAKER_01]: I wish she wouldn't run through money and always be asking me for money and be more grateful and not not feel like I'm an ATM and not feel like I'm blamed for when she runs out of money if I need to say no.
• 17:04
  [SPEAKER_01]: And you know, these are all dynamics that I hear all the time.
• 17:09
  [SPEAKER_01]: So being honest about what you wish your relationship was like.
• 17:12
  [SPEAKER_01]: And then the second step is the most important step, which I also say often here on the podcast, which is for you to see your mother for who she is.
• 17:22
  [SPEAKER_01]: Okay.
• 17:23
  [SPEAKER_01]: So I wrote this down just so I can be clear and miss it, but you need to see your mother as a person who has experienced trauma.
• 17:33
  [SPEAKER_01]: who has learned her own coping mechanisms and until she's able and willing and wants to work through that trauma, she's going to keep doing what she's doing because it's what has worked for her, it's what she knows.
• 17:45
  [SPEAKER_01]: She most likely also grew up in a place in time in generation where
• 17:51
  [SPEAKER_01]: There's not really a lot of openness for exploring different things unless she has started doing her healing work.
• 17:58
  [SPEAKER_01]: I know that a woman of all ages and all generations who listen to this podcast, so shout out to everyone.
• 18:05
  [SPEAKER_01]: No matter where you are, I love getting messages from women who are from teenagers who are in high school and I love getting messages from women who are in their late sixties and really working on themselves.
• 18:20
  [SPEAKER_01]: I love it, I love it.
• 18:21
  [SPEAKER_01]: So, but back to the point of this, you know, your mother is a whole human being who's had a whole lifetime before you.
• 18:31
  [SPEAKER_01]: It has a whole lifetime of memories, good and bad.
• 18:34
  [SPEAKER_01]: And what you may be asking of her may be too much.
• 18:38
  [SPEAKER_01]: And it may be too much because it may trigger her to go back to what she experienced.
• 18:43
  [SPEAKER_01]: It may be too much because for her to open up to you means that she's opening up a whole can of worms and a lot of things that again, you have no awareness of.
• 18:52
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so
• 18:54
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so I want to be clear that that's not for you to go back to your mama play therapist because it is not your job.
• 19:01
  [SPEAKER_01]: If you wanted to go and share what you're learning about yourself and planting seeds, okay, your communicating was happening for you.
• 19:11
  [SPEAKER_01]: But if you're doing it with pressure and with intention to try to push someone who may not be ready to make movements, you're doing an injustice to her.
• 19:20
  [SPEAKER_01]: Again, a whole human being who's had a whole lot of life and a whole lot of experiences before you came to this world and you're doing a lot of injustice to you because it's giving you too much responsibility and it's giving you too much ownership over whether or not she gets free and whether or not y'all get close in a relationship.
• 19:37
  [SPEAKER_01]: Most likely that could even be a carry on from a lot of the emotional burden and a lot of the emotional heavyweightness that you had to carry growing up that you're still doing in your twenty thirty-some forty's and fifty's you know so it is
• 19:54
  [SPEAKER_01]: Senior mom that she is someone who has created all these coping mechanisms around her trauma.
• 20:00
  [SPEAKER_01]: And sometimes those coping mechanisms can be lighter in effect and I'm going to list some things.
• 20:05
  [SPEAKER_01]: So when I say lighter, it does not mean that it's not hurtful.
• 20:08
  [SPEAKER_01]: But as you see, as I start listing them, they're going to get heavier as far as the consequences and the impact.
• 20:14
  [SPEAKER_01]: So maybe her coping mechanisms look like her being a little bit flaky, not always falling into things, maybe she can be very insecure, maybe she can feel like she always needs to be right about things, maybe she can be a little bit selfish and want to do things only for her.
• 20:33
  [SPEAKER_01]: Maybe the middle range type of actions look like her insulting and her being a supercritical of you and not esteeming you and always having something negative to say which again super her fault especially if your trauma has been emotional neglect emotional abuse mental abuse and it's really affected your sense of safety
• 20:53
  [SPEAKER_01]: and wanting to fill open with people in general because that's how you grew up.
• 20:57
  [SPEAKER_01]: Again, that is real pain, real legitimate pain.
• 20:59
  [SPEAKER_01]: But the next reason why I'm calling that middle of the road kind of things for lack of a better term is because there are really dangerous copy mechanisms, really dangerous behaviors that your mom may have picked up because of her trauma.
• 21:13
  [SPEAKER_01]: So this kind of look like her actually manipulating you and using this kind of look like her sighty with perpetrators and abusers in your life past and present because her trauma is there was so many abuse with normal for women to be abused with normal for women to be discarded with normal
• 21:31
  [SPEAKER_01]: for perpetrators to be sided with and protected was normal.
• 21:34
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so she's done it before.
• 21:36
  [SPEAKER_01]: She continues to side with people who are harmful to you, no matter what she sees with her own eyes.
• 21:43
  [SPEAKER_01]: It could look like her being sexually abusive to you.
• 21:46
  [SPEAKER_01]: I have not talked.
• 21:49
  [SPEAKER_01]: I don't think I never
• 21:52
  [SPEAKER_01]: released the former podcast interview that I did with someone years ago with my old podcast with my love junkie podcast where I talked about where the guest was a therapist who
• 22:08
  [SPEAKER_01]: Specialized and treating adult victims of sexual abuse and that specifically had her on the podcast to talk about healing when your sexual perpetrator sexual abuse or was a woman was a woman and we don't talk enough about that.
• 22:23
  [SPEAKER_01]: We don't talk about how real that is and how commonly it happens and the blame and the ways that we will self-guess light because
• 22:32
  [SPEAKER_01]: Well, it can't be that or maybe that's not real because it's a woman and but no, it's very real and so Seeing your mom for all of these things all the ways that she presents and seeing this is who she actually is and with that with that part y'all and you do to look at if there was a person on the street who had these qualities like yeah, maybe they're funny Maybe they're down to earth, but they have these coping mechanisms and these ways that they talk and these ways that they act would I actually build a relationship with them?
• 23:03
  [SPEAKER_01]: Just point blank.
• 23:04
  [SPEAKER_01]: You can pretend that they were a call worker at your job.
• 23:06
  [SPEAKER_01]: Would I have a relationship with them?
• 23:08
  [SPEAKER_01]: And if the answer is no, then the next step is where we talk about grieving.
• 23:14
  [SPEAKER_01]: We go back to that list from the first step.
• 23:18
  [SPEAKER_01]: What are the things that I want in my relationship with my mom?
• 23:21
  [SPEAKER_01]: I want to be able to talk to her.
• 23:22
  [SPEAKER_01]: I want to be able to spend time with her.
• 23:24
  [SPEAKER_01]: I want her to be honest.
• 23:25
  [SPEAKER_01]: I want her to be self-sufficient.
• 23:26
  [SPEAKER_01]: I want her to.
• 23:27
  [SPEAKER_01]: XYZ.
• 23:28
  [SPEAKER_01]: Now, once you see who your mom actually is, once you write all that down, compare those two lists and can person number two,
• 23:39
  [SPEAKER_01]: line up to the person that you have in the person number one list do those two go together can person number two your mom currently is and who she actually is at this point in time in her life can she do any of those things can she do one or two of them but not the other eight or can she not do any of them at all but she wish that she could and you're trying to convince herself that oh well you know it's not that bad when she says those things I know she's just joking I just kind of leave the room no no no no no
• 24:07
  [SPEAKER_01]: This is about you being honest about what's available for you and not living in fantasy, because these are the same patterns that we'll take into other relationships in other places.
• 24:18
  [SPEAKER_01]: Once you have all that, then it's time for you to agree, to agree with the things that she's able to show up for you for and to let yourself be sad about that.
• 24:27
  [SPEAKER_01]: Let yourself be angry about that.
• 24:29
  [SPEAKER_01]: Let yourself talk about how's unfair and so I'm trying to make yourself
• 24:33
  [SPEAKER_01]: not feel your emotions.
• 24:35
  [SPEAKER_01]: The reason why you probably felt this anger and sadness before, but you still keep coming back to it, is because you haven't moved to the place of grieving, which is acceptance.
• 24:46
  [SPEAKER_01]: You're still in this bargaining stage where you're like, okay, I'm gonna get so angry and so sad, but maybe if I go back, maybe after some time has happened.
• 24:54
  [SPEAKER_01]: Maybe once I take the kids away, maybe once I stopped calling her until he was going on.
• 24:59
  [SPEAKER_01]: Maybe when I don't invite her to my graduation, maybe when
• 25:02
  [SPEAKER_01]: You're doing all these mental and emotional gymnastics.
• 25:06
  [SPEAKER_01]: Again, trying to manipulate the situation which you probably did growing up a lot.
• 25:11
  [SPEAKER_01]: You probably did a lot of thinking and feeling and yearning as a little girl to try to get your mom to be and do something that she is either not capable of doing.
• 25:21
  [SPEAKER_01]: She doesn't know how to do or she doesn't want to do.
• 25:24
  [SPEAKER_01]: And this is your opportunity to let that go.
• 25:27
  [SPEAKER_01]: And as you hear me say that, to notice the sadness that comes out for you and let yourself feel that.
• 25:32
  [SPEAKER_01]: And instead of you going back to the bargaining stage, but to actually move to the acceptance place, that this is what it is.
• 25:38
  [SPEAKER_01]: Okay?
• 25:39
  [SPEAKER_01]: Now, with that said, the last thing that I'll say.
• 25:42
  [SPEAKER_01]: before I cut his off.
• 25:44
  [SPEAKER_01]: For this week's episode is, those are still real needs.
• 25:50
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so, you know, the reason why it comes out sideways and us looking to be mothered in these addictive relationships is because we still do need that care, that compassion, that person that listen to us, the whole space for us to just pour into us and not take from us.
• 26:05
  [SPEAKER_01]: We do need that the word is a mentor, but it's that top-down relationship.
• 26:12
  [SPEAKER_01]: Our side to side, our peer relationships, whether they be friendships or romantic or otherwise is one level of intimacy and connection, but we all do need that beauty of being important to.
• 26:25
  [SPEAKER_01]: That's part of our innate yearning.
• 26:27
  [SPEAKER_01]: So where do I go and how do I start to look for creating that chosen family in other places?
• 26:33
  [SPEAKER_01]: a lot of people find those relationships in church and so there's a lot of usually an abundance of women who feel called and feel a lot of a pleasure and pouring into the younger women around them.
• 26:47
  [SPEAKER_01]: There's also lots of women who find pleasure and pouring into and mentoring women under them in the workspace and that that can
• 26:56
  [SPEAKER_01]: grow into something deeper, right?
• 27:01
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's more just about you being open to those connections and you already have a list of what it is that you want now.
• 27:06
  [SPEAKER_01]: The first thing about being honest with you one, you now have a list, hopefully, of what it is that you're looking for.
• 27:11
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so now you can have your eyes open for when those connections happen into practice and patience.
• 27:17
  [SPEAKER_01]: I've referred back to this episode several times, but the episode that talked about building female friendships.
• 27:24
  [SPEAKER_01]: Daniel Ballerjacks and talked about how what she's saying it takes fifty hours to make an acquaintance in eighty hours of contact to make a friendship or
• 27:35
  [SPEAKER_01]: was a fifty hours or just make a friend and eighty hours to make a best friend.
• 27:38
  [SPEAKER_01]: I can't remember, but either way y'all, it is a full-time job because they could have had me out like how many friend dates, how many chance encounters, how many events that y'all have to show up at together to make that fifty to eighty hours.
• 27:53
  [SPEAKER_01]: And we want these things to happen overnight.
• 27:56
  [SPEAKER_01]: You have to build trust and build consistency for these things to happen.
• 28:01
  [SPEAKER_01]: It has nothing to do with whether or not you're worthy of being poured into.
• 28:04
  [SPEAKER_01]: It has nothing to do with whether you're funny enough or great enough or valuable enough.
• 28:09
  [SPEAKER_01]: It takes time to build relationships.
• 28:12
  [SPEAKER_01]: And that's where that self-acceptance and self-compassion that we talk a lot about here.
• 28:17
  [SPEAKER_01]: That self-love is vitally important, okay?
• 28:22
  [SPEAKER_01]: I hope that this helps the women who need it.
• 28:26
  [SPEAKER_01]: I hope that you receive it and I hope that this treats you well.
• 28:32
  [SPEAKER_01]: I need to, because of the date, because we are starting next week, I do need to talk about our love element challenge that is closing this Sunday.
• 28:44
  [SPEAKER_01]: We actually does correlate with this topic.
• 28:46
  [SPEAKER_01]: You know, we learn how to love ourselves and we learn how to not love ourselves from the modeling that we see, that we don't see from our mother relationships.
• 28:55
  [SPEAKER_01]: And a lot of the attachment that we have from giving ourselves pleasure for acknowledging, you know, one of the types of deprivation we're going to be talking about in our challenge.
• 29:04
  [SPEAKER_01]: And in the course is the emotional deprivation and the physical nurturing deprivation, how we will neglect ourselves in those areas.
• 29:11
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so, and what do we do about that, how we work through that?
• 29:15
  [SPEAKER_01]: If you are wanting to operate in this loved woman's space and exiting patterns of love deprivation and walking to loveworthiness this month and a month of May I'm taking a woman on a thirty day journey of going deeper into this topic together and So many of y'all have already signed up.
• 29:34
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm so excited if you have not gotten your welcome email Please tell me some for some people's going to the spam and they're not getting it so you should have got to email him so and
• 29:46
  [SPEAKER_01]: If I'm emailing you, you're not getting the email then to check if you got the email.
• 29:50
  [SPEAKER_01]: That's why I'm staying in here on the podcast because I'll be all listened to the podcast.
• 29:55
  [SPEAKER_01]: But I hope to continue to welcome more of you in.
• 30:00
  [SPEAKER_01]: We start on May first and there's still time to enroll and it's one of our smaller programs so it is accessible to everybody.
• 30:09
  [SPEAKER_01]: You can enroll by going to the link in the shoutouts or by going to blackgirlsfield.org slash the loved woman or, you know, just going to blackgirlsfield.org and clicking work with us at the top menu and then clicking on the love woman foundations make sure that you select the challenge because one option is you just get the program.
• 30:30
  [SPEAKER_01]: You can do it on your own.
• 30:31
  [SPEAKER_01]: You keep it forever to come back to and learn and get all the updates and lessons as they are added.
• 30:36
  [SPEAKER_01]: and but then there's a challenge portion that includes the bonus lessons and includes the community that we're gonna be working together and that includes the group coaching call.
• 30:47
  [SPEAKER_01]: So that is it for now y'all.
• 30:50
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm sending you so much love this weekend and beyond and as always I do hope that you take care of yourselves.