Latest / Dr. Derek H. Suite MD - The SuiteSpot / Unpacking The Four Agreements 4/7 — Ask, Don't Assume. Don't Make Assumptions: #ThinkItThroughThursday

Transcript

Unpacking The Four Agreements 4/7 — Ask, Don't Assume. Don't Make Assumptions: #ThinkItThroughThursday · Dr. Derek H. Suite MD - The SuiteSpot

• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: You made it.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: You made it to Thursday, but not just any Thursday.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: This is Trust Yourself Thursday.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you're trusting yourself because listen, you've been doing a great job of that for several years.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm really delighted that you're here with me so that we can unpack something about trust in our fourth of seven episodes on the four agreements.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Dr.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_00: Derek Sweet.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: This is The Sweet Spot.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_00: And it is indeed Trust Yourself Thursday.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: We are unpacking a series here.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_00: It's called The Four Agreements, a book by Miguel Ruiz.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_00: It's a great book.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: And we've been really unpacking some of the insights, the pearls of wisdom.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: On Monday, we talked about the agreements running quietly in the background.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: On Take Action Tuesday, we cleaned up our words.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_00: What you say to yourself about yourself, and what you say and put into the spaces around you with your words.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: We paid attention.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: Yesterday, yesterday we separated feedback from identity.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: Remember that?
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: We said loss is data, nothing more.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: Criticism is data, nothing more.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: And that the data does not define your worth.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: Well, sweet spotter, today we go a layer deeper.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: Because here's where people get a little twisted.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: Here's what most people miss.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: You can't fully agree and do the second agreement, which is don't take things personal without doing this agreement.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: You've got to not make assumptions.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: And that's where we are in the third of the fourth agreement, right?
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: You just don't make don't assume.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_00: Ask.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_00: You can't stop taking things personally if you're still building a story that makes it personal in the first place.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: Does that make sense?
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, when we're building a story about something, you know what that's called?
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: Assumption.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: And here's how the cycle works someone goes quiet.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: Step one.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have the information about why they're quiet.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: Step two.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: Your brain doesn't like gaps.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: So it begins to fill it.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: Step three.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: And what the brain fills it with is stuff like maybe they're upset with me.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe I did something wrong.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe I'm being phased out.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe they're dating somebody else.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: What did I do?
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_00: All of a sudden, stories begin to feel coherent.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: They begin to feel true.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: And then you take that story personally.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: They really don't like you.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: You know?
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: And then your brain begins to build on it.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: And then you react to the story.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: And then a small moment has become a huge forest fire.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: And now the fight that you're having with the individual isn't even about what happened.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: Or what you're feeling isn't even really about what happened.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: It's about what you decided it meant.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: Before a single question was asked.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: Think about that.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: Think about that.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: And listen, the brain is a wonderful instrument, but you've got to manage it.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: You have something called a hippocampus in your brain.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: It's like a library.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: It remembers things.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, your hippocampus, your brain's memory and pattern recognition center, is constantly scanning for familiar shapes, and it really is good at predicting.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: It specializes in prediction.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: And when information is incomplete, somebody's quiet, you don't know what's going on.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_00: Another brain region called the ACC, the anterior cingulate cortex, we've talked about the ACC here, that's your brain's conflict detection system.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: It sends up a flag.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: I detect a gap here.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: We've got to resolve this.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: We're going to develop a story.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: Your brain and my brain, the brain does not like ambiguity.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: You watch a movie, a mystery movie, you want this thing solved.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: You're at the edge of your seat because your brain is constantly working, trying to predict what's going on, what's going to happen next.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: You love it because it's sort of like I'm going to solve this, and you're going to create a story.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: It'll manufacture.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: That's your survival wiring.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: Literally, that's how your brain is meant is uh uh formed is to create stories and to make sure that you survive.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: It's not weakness, it's a survival thing.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: But in a locker room, in a boardroom, in a classroom, a bedroom, wherever, whatever room you're you're operating in, when you manufacture certainty, instead of getting the actual facts and to understand what's going on, this is a bad habit that could really turn into like big problems.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: So in sports, some let's just think about it.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: In sport, right?
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: A coach just doesn't say anything after a practice.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: Or the and the athlete looks at it and goes, hmm, I think he's pissed with me, I think he's mad at me, I think he's disappointed in me.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: I wonder if I'm gonna lose my spot.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: That coach doesn't really trust me anymore.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: Now the coach never said anything like that.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: All of that is decided by the brain because it doesn't have information.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: And how the athlete carries that information and what story they tell themselves can carry itself into the next practice and how they play.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: They can be tighter, they can be more guarded, they can be less free, and then they can look disengaged, they can look like they're not 100% themselves.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: And then they're really at risk for being taken out.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: That's the idea, right?
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_00: So it's sort of odd.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: The silence was about the game plan or something else, but the spiral that the person went through was about their assumptions.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: You could be on the team and your teammate will do the same thing to you too.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: Like they'll a missed pass becomes them thinking that you're selfish.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: A substitution made at the at a different time becomes they're playing favorites.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: A closed door when you're passing by the hallway, it's like, ah, they're conspiring, they're talking about me.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: Two of them in the corner over there, you can't hear what they're saying, or they gotta be talking about me, especially if they look in your direction.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: That's what the brain does, it makes assumptions.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: Assumption in a team environment?
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, it doesn't usually stay with two people, it spreads, and a story gets developed.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: It gets shared in the hallway, it gets shared in the locker room, it gets shared in the group chats, and it's yeah, and it's sort of disguised in in this line: like, I'm just seeing what everybody else knows, and it's not true.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: They don't know.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: That's just a story that found company and it's perpetuating it.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: Happens in business too, where assumptions harden.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, something that starts as a guess in business.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: I've seen it a thousand times.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: They start as a guess, and then they calcify that into a fact without a single conversation to verify whether or not it's true.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: You're guessing, you don't know, but you're making it into truth.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: A leader assumes a team member's motive.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_00: He never asks, she never asks.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: They stop managing the story instead of the person.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: Resentment is built up.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: You know how many times I've been called in to fix things that where the resentment is built up on both sides and nobody exactly knows why?
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, assumptions can be really bad.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: They can they can destroy your business, your life, your relationship.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: I'm remembering Blockbuster.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: Remember them?
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: They well, some of you are not old enough to know what Blockbuster is, is it was a business that had the video, the little um video business that went bankrupt and went went out of business.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: You know, they had an opportunity to merge with Netflix, or I think Netflix was trying to work with them.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: And from what I understand, they laughed Netflix out of the room back then.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: Only for Netflix to become a multi-billion dollar company and blockbuster who assumed that people just want to continue walking in stores and getting the experience of like getting their own videos and all that.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: They made a bad assumption.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: They lost, they got bankrupt.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: Look them up, read that story.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_00: It's not only about them making a bad assumption, obviously, there were other reasons, but yeah, they could have been with Netflix and had gotten, I think it was only$50 million that Netflix was trying to sell itself to them or annex them for.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: It literally Blockbuster laughed.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_00: That's an extreme example, but the pattern is identical at the interpersonal level, is what I'm trying to tell you.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_00: When you make an assumption, and especially an assumption you don't challenge, it becomes a decision, it becomes something you can't explain later.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: Assumptions can be dangerous, right?
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: Relationships, that's where assumptions can do their worst damage.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_00: And the author of the four agreements, and remember we're discussing the third agreement here, don't assume, don't make assumptions, right?
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_00: That's the third agreement.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_00: He puts it plainly, especially when it comes to relationships.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_00: We make the assumption, and I've been guilty of this, that our partners somehow know exactly what we're thinking, and that we don't have to say what we want.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: We shouldn't have to tell you what we want, you should just know it.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: Alright, all right, you know.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: I hope I'm not gonna get myself in trouble with that one.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I've because I'm kind of sensing somebody around there saying, yeah, I put an amen on that one.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_00: But literally, yeah, assumptions, assumptions, you know.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_00: We assume our partner should just know.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_00: An expectation that was never spoken, right?
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_00: And yet we're disappointed with the person.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_00: That's a silent contract, that's a silent assumption, that's a silent agreement.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_00: You sign someone up for terms they never agreed to, and then you hold them accountable and in contempt for breaking them, and they didn't even know.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_00: Listen, coaches do this with athletes, teammates do with each other, managers do it with teams, spouses do with each other.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: Guilty, very guilty here.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_00: Parents do it with kids, kids do it to parents.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, it's it's a rampant thing with this assumption thing and holding people accountable for our assumptions.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_00: And the most painful part, the other person usually had no idea what you really expected.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_00: They weren't even negligent, they're just not mind readers.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: And you punish them for the gap, for not knowing, for not being intuitive.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_00: But here's where I want to land today.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_00: The most dangerous assumption, forget every assumption else I'm talking about, okay?
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_00: The most dangerous assumption you make aren't about other people ultimately.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_00: The most dangerous assumption is what we make about ourselves.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_00: The one we tell ourselves.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_00: Alright, they didn't respond, so I must not matter.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_00: You don't like me, or I'm not important.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_00: That's one.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't get the role, so I must not be that guy.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_00: You don't think I'm good enough.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not ready as far as you're concerned.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_00: I'm okay.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_00: Well, maybe I am not ready.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_00: That's another one.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_00: No one said anything, so I must have been terrible.
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_00: I just did this whole performance thing and nobody said good job.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_00: So I must be really bad, or these people really don't like me.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_00: All of those are assumptions.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_00: Every time you act on an unverified assumption about yourself, you're trusting a story over actual evidence.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_00: You don't know the facts, and every time you do that, every time you trust your story over the evidence, you chip away at the one thing high performance absolutely requires.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_00: What is today?
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_00: Trust yourself Thursday.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_00: Ruiz, the author, connects assumption to fear.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_00: He says that we assume because we're afraid to ask.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_00: Do you agree with that?
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_00: Do you agree with me that we make assumptions because we're afraid to ask?
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, let me put it a different way, because we're afraid of the answer.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_00: Afraid that the truth might confirm the story.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_00: But here's what's actually true: the question you're afraid to ask, the question we're afraid to ask, is exactly where self-trust lives.
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, self-trust is in the courage, it's it's not in certainty, it's in the courage to seek clarity.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, absolutely.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_00: The ancient wisdom tells us answering before listening is both stupid and rude.
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_00: I'm quoting the message Bible.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_00: You will not see that in the KJV, I guarantee you.
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_00: That's why I love the message Bible.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_00: It's like if you can't figure that out, like something wrong with you.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_00: Proverbs 18, verse 13.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_00: Look it up yourself.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_00: Answering before listening is both stupid and rude.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_00: Don't make assumptions.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_00: That's not just about other people, that's about the conversation you're having with yourself before the facts arrive.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, absolutely, absolutely.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_00: That's the message here.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_00: Don't assume.
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_00: So, here's the thing.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_00: Here's the thing.
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_00: Three moves I want you to try.
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_00: One, always ask a clarifying question.
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_00: Add that to your toolkit today as we close.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_00: In your next conversation where tension is rising or silence is stretching or something is going on, ask a direct question before you interpret.
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_00: I know you're really smart, we're really smart people and we kind of know people quickly, but let's just be curious.
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_00: Let's ask.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, hey, here's the question.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, hey, I wanna I wanna make sure I'm reading this right.
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_00: Can you help me understand where you're at with this?
• 15:59
  SPEAKER_00: You know, just that one question dissolves more conflict than a hundred assumptions.
• 16:07
  SPEAKER_00: Rather than make an assumption, you ask them, where are you at with this?
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_00: I'm trying to understand.
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_00: Help me help me understand.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_00: Am I reading you correctly on that?
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_00: Or am I off here?
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_00: Just something like that.
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_00: You'd be surprised how it open up the door to conversations and prevent you making an assumption and running off to the races and making it into a story.
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_00: That's one.
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_00: The second thing, and we're gonna close after we do three, is do an assumption audit.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_00: An audit.
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_00: Like you know how the tax people audit taxes.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_00: This is about us auditing our relationships.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_00: Think of one relationship or a personal one or a professional one, right?
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_00: Where you have a story about that person that you never verified, but you have a story about them.
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_00: We all have one person we got a story about.
• 16:57
  SPEAKER_00: I want you to write that down.
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_00: Write the question you need to ask to find out if it were actually true.
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_00: No, I'm not telling you to go ask them that today, okay?
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_00: But I want you to just practice what is the question I would need to ask them to see if my story is really true.
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_00: But name the assumption, right?
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_00: Name it.
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_00: What is the assumption that you're trying to figure out?
• 17:21
  SPEAKER_00: It'll be interesting to see what comes up from that.
• 17:23
  SPEAKER_00: That's the assumption audit.
• 17:24
  SPEAKER_00: So one was to ask a clarifying question, right?
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_00: The second thing was to just audit, and the third thing is to do a self-trust check.
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_00: Because this is Trust Yourself Thursday.
• 17:37
  SPEAKER_00: Where are you assuming, sweet spotter?
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_00: Where are you making an assumption?
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_00: Where you're assuming something negative about yourself right now without any evidence?
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_00: Name that thing.
• 17:53
  SPEAKER_00: Then ask, what would I need to find out or do to know if this is actually true?
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_00: What I'm thinking about myself.
• 18:02
  SPEAKER_00: And act on that, act on the answer to that.
• 18:05
  SPEAKER_00: What I need to do to figure it out.
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_00: What do I need to know to figure it out instead of the story you're telling yourself about you?
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_00: Because you see, every assumption you don't challenge is a lie you've decided to live by.
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_00: And the person you trust least when you do that isn't them, it's you.
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_00: So don't take things personally.
• 18:31
  SPEAKER_00: That was agreement two, that was yesterday.
• 18:35
  SPEAKER_00: Don't make assumptions.
• 18:37
  SPEAKER_00: That's today.
• 18:39
  SPEAKER_00: Don't take things personally, don't make assumptions.
• 18:43
  SPEAKER_00: These two agreements are twins.
• 18:46
  SPEAKER_00: Master one and the other gets easier.
• 18:51
  SPEAKER_00: Together, they give you back your clarity.
• 18:57
  SPEAKER_00: Together, they give you back your calm, your edge, your inner edge.
• 19:03
  SPEAKER_00: Together, they can remove the invisible ceiling.
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_00: And you're built for it when you build this in.
• 19:12
  SPEAKER_00: For science, for soul, and for success.
• 19:16
  SPEAKER_00: Stay curious longer than you stay certain in your assumptions.
• 19:22
  SPEAKER_00: See how conflicts disappear when you assume less.
• 19:29
  SPEAKER_00: This is Trust Yourself Thursday, and you've been listening to this sweet spot.
• 19:34
  SPEAKER_00: We'll see you tomorrow where we're gonna finish strong.
• 19:37
  SPEAKER_00: If you liked what you heard today, subscribe.
• 19:39
  SPEAKER_00: It is absolutely free.
• 19:41
  SPEAKER_00: If you know someone who needs to hear this message, don't hesitate.
• 19:46
  SPEAKER_00: Send it over to them, and I'll see you tomorrow.
• 19:48
  SPEAKER_00: Love and blessings!