Latest / The FEEL Podcast: Women’s Empowerment, Emotional Wellness and Self-Leadership with Melissa Crook / Rediscovering Your Why: Living by Your Values with Foster Wilson

Transcript

Rediscovering Your Why: Living by Your Values with Foster Wilson · The FEEL Podcast: Women’s Empowerment, Emotional Wellness and Self-Leadership with Melissa Crook

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It was true to myself and my own expectations, but I also at the
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same time, I felt like I was letting people down or that
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there was something to be shameful about letting know of
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that year that I have wanted for so long.
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Like I had like I had lost, you know, the the game.
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And I'm just like, you know, so that really was challenging.
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When I then pivoted to do a little work, it was much easier
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because I'd already done it once and I'd already pivoted away.
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And that that really was like, oh, I know that it's probably
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going to happen again. You know, I'm probably going to
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move and do something else. And I'm totally OK with that now
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because I think, I think it's Glenn and Doyle says.
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You disappoint everyone else before you disappoint yourself.
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Hello, welcome to the field podcast today.
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I'm your host, Melissa Crook. I've got a new friend here that
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I met through our good friends at pod match is how we
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originally got introduced to each other and I'm excited to
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share Foster Wilson with you today.
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She's got a story like so like like we all do, but it really
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getting to meet her and getting to know her is really going to
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help inform you how and why she shows up in the way she does in
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the world today. With with with really Livian.
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I believe we're going to find out by her why and her values
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and taking those parts of her story and really use them then
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to not only serve herself, but help others as well.
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And we'll get into that as we unfold and learn more about
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Foster today. But to start with, she describes
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herself as compassionate, creative, nerdy and weird.
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Welcome to the Field podcast, Buster Wilson.
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Thank you so much, Melissa, for having me.
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Yes, all of those things. Nerdy, weird, but also very
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creative and compassionate as well.
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Oh. I love that.
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I love that. Such a great combination because
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we are nuanced beings. We can be so many things.
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It's true. It's not true.
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All right, let's start with talk to me about prioritizing
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self-care in your life and what that journey has been like for
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you. Oh my gosh, yes of course I love
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this topic because I have. I am someone who has grown so
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much in her life from a person who was really focused on
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productivity and being in my masculine energy, getting things
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done, succeeding, being, you know, a successful woman in the
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world. And I never valued self-care.
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I didn't. I would work till late at night.
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I would work until I was falling asleep at the table.
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I didn't prioritize my rest, my health.
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I was young enough that it was kind of OK.
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But you know, you add children into the mix and that and you're
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just, I was just pulled in so many different directions.
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And it took a really long time for me to start to work with my
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own feminine energy. I operate so much in my
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masculine that falling into my feminine felt kind of unsafe.
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And so for me, self-care is being in our feminine energy.
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And that goes for any gender. I don't care what gender you
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are, how you identify, feminine energy is just part of the what
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makes us up. We sometimes people live
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entirely in one, entirely in the other and a balance is really
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healthy. So for me now, after really
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sitting with myself, it took loss for me to get to where I
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am. It took grief.
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It also took divorce for me to get where I am, which was a big
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honoring of who I am. But for me, self-care right now
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looks like writing every day, taking that time first thing in
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the morning before my kids get up to write journal, write
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poetry, write dump of my feelings, right, or anything at
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all. I whether it's 5 minutes or an
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hour, the habit of writing in the morning became very vital to
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my processing. And that actually turned into
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poetry and it turned into what became a book that I released
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last year. But that wasn't my intention
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when I started. It was just myself expression.
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And it also looks like meditation for me as often as I
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can remember to do it and can fit it into my day.
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Whether that's 5 minutes or 9 minutes is kind of my sweet
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spot. Or sometimes I have more time.
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I'll do 20 or 25 and then and the last pillar for me of
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self-care is movement in nature. And all of these things are
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free, by the way. Yeah.
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Nothing costs money, nothing costs just a little bit of time,
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you know, and movement in nature for me is usually hiking or
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walking, and that combination really does something to my
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soul. Thank you for sharing so much on
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those and I thank you for the point of the thought.
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These are things we all have access to it and but I you've
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got something that's so important.
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I think it's important for us to remember as humans to tap into
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all those energies. And but so many times we're
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told, especially in a capitalistic society, that the
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way to succeed is to operate out of this masculine energy.
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But the feminine energy has a lot to say about that too.
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And if us showing up in each of our unique special ways is what
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makes the world go round and the operating out of this go, go, go
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ADR work weeks, you know, not having boundaries on your time
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is there's going to be for everybody there.
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Your health is going to take a hit at some point, your
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relationships are going to take a hit.
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And it's not just your physical, your your mental, emotional,
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physical health, which are all connected.
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So I'm glad you brought that up because I think it's something
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we need to talk more about, remove the stigmas around.
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It's like we all have this within us and and tapping into
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those things is going to be and being open to it is going to be
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what's healthiest and most vibrant for us to allow as we're
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meant to exist in the world. Yeah.
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And who are the safe people that we can share that with?
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You know, there's there's only a few people that I feel safe
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being in my feminine, you know, and that's but that's vital.
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That means that those people in my life can hold, I can take my
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masculine off and they can hold it because when I go out into
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the world, I'm operating in my masculine without a little touch
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of softness. But I, I want to, you know,
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succeed into. And sometimes those are layers
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we put on to be out in the world as women sometimes absolutely.
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Knowing who you are safe with and who can handle and be with
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all sides of you is really vital.
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Yeah, yeah. Thanks for bringing that up.
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That's so important. So talk to me within this about
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what you've learned about healthy boundaries, because when
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you start allowing yourself to operate from your authentic
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spaces and really show up in making yourself a priority,
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knowing that you need to do that to show up well for all the
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things in your life that could. There can be a shift.
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And you've talked about, you know, going from being with you
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to being in a relationship to have, you know, and having kids,
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but then also losses within that.
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And all those things tend to teach us something about where
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we need healthy boundaries in our life to to really protect
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our energy. Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
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Boundaries have been life changing for me.
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I was, I grew up a people pleaser in my 20s.
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I was also very much a people pleaser.
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I was trying to really keep everybody around me happy.
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And, you know, that comes with some level of control.
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I was trying to control people, make sure that they were happy
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and had their needs met and not my own.
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And learning how to set boundaries has been a really
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important but hard thing for me. I don't want to disappoint other
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people. I want to say yes to everybody.
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It's come in so many forms. I the primary thing is I have to
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listen to my body because I could in my mind justify taking
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that trip that I don't want to go on or meeting that person for
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coffee that I don't feel good about or taking that opportunity
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that I know deep down is going to drain my energy.
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Yeah, I could justify taking it. Will I need the money or I, I
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don't want to hurt their feelings or I can mentally do
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that, But my body tells me something different sometimes.
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And it tells me when it's a full body yes.
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And it tells me when it's either a full body no or a partial no,
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right? So I had to start to tap into
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what my body was telling me. And then comes the second part,
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which is harder, which is actually setting that boundary
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with someone and maybe disappointing them.
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Maybe you hurt their feelings. No, that's not your intention.
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You do it with kindness. But maybe your cup is full right
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now. Maybe you're fully committed at
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this moment to whatever it is that's in front of you.
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I remember for many years we were taking our kids to the East
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Coast for Christmas and we there was family in one state and
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family in another state and we were trying to hit all the
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families and see all the people. And our kids were young and I
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was becoming burned out by this idea.
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And I really didn't want to. And there was a lot of
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obligation tied to it. And we this is what we should
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do. What I really wanted to do was
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have like a nice quiet Christmas here at home where we're not
10:06
running off to activities if you don't have school.
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And we can actually just snuggle up and be and kind of hibernate
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and be in the winter of our life.
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Even though I'm in LA, it's not very winter, but but the idea,
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you know, and when we were traveling, it was like we, we
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were exhausted, we were stressed, we were getting sick,
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you know, it wasn't working. And we'll hold a boundary to
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say, you know what, this year, Christmas is just going to be
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here and we're going to establish our own traditions
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here and our own rituals with our own little family.
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And we're kind of kind of take that back and family, if you'd
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like to visit us, we're here. But you know, this is what we're
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doing and that was it. That's a huge boundary to set.
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I think a lot of people struggle with that around the holidays as
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well. Yeah, I'm so glad you spoke to
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that. I know so many people.
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And we were in that group for a while because we've lived all
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over the country and I've navigated that.
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I've watched really close friends of mine navigate that
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and and make those choices along the way of like, you know what,
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we're going to take this time back because we're going home
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exhausted. It doesn't feel like the
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holidays. It just feels, you know, yeah, I
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don't look forward to it anymore.
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So we're going to take that time back.
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You're welcome to join us here, but but you know, and come visit
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us anytime. But we're going to.
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And that can be really hard when there's family traditions and
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parents and grandparents are used to you coming to their
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space and and and, you know, kind of and opening the door.
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But it's so important to do because I also know a lot of
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people that continue to abandon themselves and be miserable
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through the holidays because they're afraid to communicate
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what they really. Want.
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Yeah. And it's extra, it's extra
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challenging when those are people that you love, the people
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that you care about. Sometimes those older family
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members can't travel and so it becomes really difficult to
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navigate. But there are, there are great
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areas like maybe we don't travel at Christmas, but we pick a time
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in February and we can take a quick trip to see those people
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and it doesn't have the holiday pressure.
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You know, there's an in between thing because it doesn't mean
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you don't love your family. It's complicated when you're
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starting your own and you don't live nearby.
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Yeah, absolutely. So good.
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Thank you so much for that. All right, And you've touched on
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this a little bit already, but taking care of our emotional
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health, mental health, physical health, this is a key component
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of our health journey. And we don't always realize the
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connections early on, but sometimes along the way we hit
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those bumps are like, oops, that's connected or that's
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spilling out in an unhealthy way.
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I didn't realize that this is impacting this.
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So talk to me about your journey with that and learning about
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that. Oh my gosh, I have so much to
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say on this. I when you say that about it
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coming out and hurting people like my partner often says, like
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if you suppress your anger, it's going to come out and as
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shrapnel at other people unintentionally.
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So I'm a big proponent of processing and feeling your
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emotions right. And emotions are energy in
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motion, so there's a motion component to processing out
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feelings. And sitting and talking about
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them and thinking about them is all well and good, but it's not
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the movement that we need. So I actually believe we have to
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move these feelings through our body and out.
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So walking, hiking, dancing, lifting weights, throwing a ball
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with those emotions attached to it and allow it to move through
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you. It is so vital.
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Animals in nature, if they're being chased, they have they're
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in a stressful situation right when the chase is over.
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If they've survived, they shake the trauma out of their bodies.
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This is a natural phenomenon that we've lost touch with,
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right? So literally shaking it out,
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which could be dancing or something else, but to get to
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move that through us and it may not be immediate, but there,
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there might be a lot of processing that needs to happen.
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One of my favorite tools for this is if we have a big emotion
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that feels unsafe like anger or rage or a big grief part that
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feels like we heard. Do I even share this?
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I, I love a, a walk and talk, which is a hiking and talking
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and venting it out. And that will sometimes be a
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voice note to a friend or a voice note to yourself that you
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then delete later. But if you can find a space
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where you can do that safely or out nature, I have a hike I can
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do here and there's I passed one or two people on the whole hike
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maybe so that that's a privilege I have.
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But if you can find a space like that and you can really vent it
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out either again, to yourself or to someone who is can create
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safe space. No judgement, just will hear you
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and be witness to it. And that right on out of you.
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I I think this is so vital. Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
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I'm so glad you gave those examples because I remember when
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I was going through some difficult things in therapy and
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processing stuff and I was UN UN folding a lot of unprocessed
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anger sadness. All those things.
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My therapist was like, I want you to find a rage room or get a
15:29
pillow and find a wall and just it.
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And I had a brick wall on the outside of my house.
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I could take a pillow and I could swing and swing just like
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yell and scream. Keep the people's names.
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They're they're never going to hear you.
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You know, if there's people involved in this situation,
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whatever it is you need to say and get out and, and boy, that
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was powerful. Like I, I had like workouts that
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I would do and if I had a good vigorous cardio or, you know,
15:58
hit workout or something that day, then that could do the
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trick to you. But sometimes just having that.
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But I think it's so important that we talk about this and talk
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about the fact, because I'm a theory, I talked about this
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quite a bit where emotions are clues.
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They're not good or bad. They're clues.
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They're there's clues your body letting you know there's
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something that you're, that you that needs to be moved through,
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that needs to be processed, that needs to not be stuffed.
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And that goes for all the things, the hard things, but
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also the joy. So many times we deny ourselves
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experiencing and feeling joy. Oh, the world is hard or so, and
16:31
so is going through a bad time. That joy is an important part of
16:34
our Wellness too. And and and necessary.
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Yeah, yeah, I agree. I agree.
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We have a feeling of sometimes like, oh, I don't want to get
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too excited about this thing. Maybe it won't happen or, you
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know, but I don't know. We need to live in that.
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Even if it's a what if, we should live in that excitement
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of that possibility because the possibilities really are
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endless. I remember on on the topic of
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anger and grief kind of at the same time, I dropped my kids off
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at school 1 morning and there was something really scary and
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sort of dangerous happening at school and ended up being that
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the kids needed to go anyway. And that felt so scary to me, so
17:16
unfair. And I was, I was mad, man.
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I was so upset. And I had to go to see a client.
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I'm a postpartum DULA, so I was going to work with the client.
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When I work with clients I have, I leave everything at the door.
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You know, I can't take that in. And the feelings felt so big and
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so scary. I was like, I don't know if I
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can leave this at the door, but I had an hour to drive to get to
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them so that I spent that hour with the voice note in my car,
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safe place where no one is going to be hurt by my yelling.
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And I like rage screamed, cried that whole drive and just vented
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out all of the things that I thought were unfair about the
18:01
situation, how it was really unfortunate and terrible and
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that we couldn't, shouldn't live in this world with this
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happening on and on and on. And they weren't.
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All true things, you know. They were just.
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What I was feeling in that moment, you know, I wanted to
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hurt this person. I wanted to.
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And then by the time I got there, I kind of collected
18:19
myself. I was a little puffy, but I was
18:21
able to kind of release that and go go through the rest of my
18:24
day. You know, it was so big, though.
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I needed to put it somewhere. Yeah, yeah.
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So because it impacts, like you said, other things that you go
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into. So you might be less tolerant,
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less patient, more irritable with another person or situation
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that has nothing to do with it, but because you're still
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carrying this with you, it's impacting you.
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So, yeah, I think that's so important to talk about those
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things. Talk to me about, you know, how
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we can support ourselves and other women in living
18:54
unapologetically. I will say upright, a lot of
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what you do in your work now is this very thing.
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But you've learned through some hard things on how to get here.
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So talk to me about this, where this space you are today where
19:07
you're able to do this. But but how?
19:10
It was journeying to the point where you are now.
19:13
Yeah, Yeah. So the work you're Speaking of
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as a postpartum work that I do with my my clients and I support
19:20
new families and that transition to becoming parents.
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But this has not always been my career.
19:29
So my journey has been started as an actress and then I moved
19:34
into filmmaking as a director. So it was a creative person in
19:38
the arts and when I had my my first child and she was about 2
19:45
1/2 and I got pregnant with our 2nd and our we were going along
19:51
through the pregnancy and everything seemed fine.
19:54
And then we had a 20 week ultrasound scan.
19:57
And it was at that appointment that we discovered that our baby
20:00
had fetal high drops, which was a condition that caused swelling
20:05
around the lungs and the brain and this.
20:09
Was a long journey of discovering for the next couple
20:12
of weeks what this really meant and if there was anything we
20:16
could do about it. But the end of the road we were
20:19
left with the choice of carrying to term and this baby would
20:24
then, best case scenario, live one to two weeks and then Nikko
20:28
or terminating the pregnancy. So I, six months pregnant, was
20:35
faced with a what I felt was an impossible decision to terminate
20:41
this pregnancy of this very much wanted child, our son and you
20:47
know it. That was the decision we had to
20:50
make and that I felt like I, I had to make to reduce suffering.
20:54
I didn't want it to be my decision.
20:55
I would. I really asked for the universe,
20:59
God, source, whatever you want to call it, to make that choice
21:02
for me, because that's extra unfair as a mom to have to make
21:06
that choice. But that was what I did.
21:09
And you know, in the grief that followed, in the depression that
21:15
followed the loss of our son, whose name is wild, you know, I
21:23
had to learn how to be there for myself, my, my partner at the
21:26
time and I were, were grieving in very different ways.
21:30
And although I had great support for my community and friends and
21:34
family that wanted to help, and I was very fortunate to have an
21:38
excellent therapist, I still just felt very isolated in the
21:42
whole process. And I didn't know what to tell
21:45
them. For how to help.
21:47
Me, I sure needed to just figure it out on my own.
21:51
And part of the ways I got through that were through
21:55
community and, and jumping into creative work in community in a
22:00
space that was, we were reading short scripts every week and I,
22:05
it was a production company and I just kept showing up there and
22:09
going there and diving into creative work.
22:11
But I had to figure that out for myself and how to grieve and.
22:15
And what I needed. It was a whole messy process.
22:18
Yeah. And one of the things that I
22:22
found was that I needed safe spaces that were non judge
22:25
mental, that would just say yes to whatever I was feeling.
22:30
Yes, this feels unfair. Yes, the fact that your milk has
22:33
come in after losing a baby feels extra cruel.
22:39
Yes, there's a funny and weird and joyful parts about grief,
22:42
and that's OK too. And we can laugh sometimes too.
22:46
I just need a really non judgmental space.
22:48
So to get around to what your question was, which is how do we
22:53
support other women in this process and living
22:57
unapologetically. I believe that's my job is to
23:00
create that safe space. And that's not judgmental space
23:03
for other women, friends, other people.
23:07
And I do think now that people know me as that person over the
23:12
last many years since that has that happened, I became someone
23:17
who people would refer their friends to when nothing terrible
23:22
was going wrong in their pregnancy.
23:25
And I feel like I know so many people who've suffered from loss
23:29
in my community because they sent their people to me.
23:33
And that is an honor. And I would take those calls.
23:36
I would go on walks with those people.
23:37
I would create that safe space just to hear them, just to bear
23:41
witness to their story. And there's nothing more that I
23:44
was doing. And that is a real, just like an
23:48
honor that I, that I have that in my life.
23:51
Yeah, yeah, absolutely. And this so that's what informed
23:55
the decision to to become the doula.
23:59
Yeah, to become a doula it very much so in many ways.
24:03
It took me a while to get there. I think the calling had been
24:07
coming since I was 8 years old. Actually, I I used to be, when I
24:14
was 8, I used to visit my family's farm in Wisconsin and
24:17
it was a pig farm. And I used to always be in the
24:20
nursery helping the vet deliver the pigs.
24:22
And that means put a glove on with iodine solution and reach
24:27
up and grab the wrench that won't come out.
24:29
And I was obsessed with birth and watching this happen here.
24:33
So there were times in my life that I thought I was going to go
24:36
down the medical route to be an REGYNI think I might have become
24:41
a midwife had I known what that was.
24:45
But I went this other path. I went down the arts path and
24:48
that's been my my creative journey.
24:50
And then coming back around to postpartum work in the last
24:54
several years has really been a combination of the experience
25:00
with wild and showing up for my community over and over again
25:04
with people who were postpartum and grieving because if you're
25:10
and that so I was doing kind of do a little work in the
25:15
community without it being at my job.
25:17
It was not any training. It's just my lived experience.
25:21
But then when what happened here in LA in the industry with all
25:26
the strikes and the the film industry shifted and I realized
25:31
I had been in my masculine energy on set for so long and it
25:35
just wasn't feeling right to me anymore.
25:38
And that's when I really shifted and looked at this calling that
25:42
just like would pop up every very calm voice every so often
25:45
that was like, go be at a birth, go be at a birth.
25:49
And that's when I started pursuing that.
25:51
OK. All right.
25:52
I love that. Thank you for sharing that.
25:54
And, and, and the, and being vulnerable about that because
25:57
those are things, those things are tough.
25:59
And, and, you know, having that balance of sharing your story
26:03
and also not re traumatizing yourself.
26:05
I mean, there's and grief is tricky.
26:08
You know, the grief is a tricky thing, but also being able to
26:10
honor people in that and allow them to be how they need to be.
26:15
So many times I had this conversation I was recording
26:17
with a woman yesterday. We talked, I mean, her whole
26:19
work is now in in this grief space because in her experience
26:25
with it, there was just all of these societal expectations of
26:29
what it should look like or how you're supposed to show up in
26:32
it. And she's like, it's a very
26:33
personal experience. And just, you know, when people,
26:38
well meaning people would show up and start doing things, I'm
26:41
like, no, I'm not ready for that yet.
26:43
Or having to put boundaries around that.
26:45
So having that safe person to just be whatever it is you need
26:50
to be in that moment with is so valuable.
26:54
Yeah, I don't know if you've ever helped a friend through a
26:58
breakup, but if you're that supportive friend during the the
27:02
breakup, in the process, you hear what's going on for them in
27:06
those early moments and you're like, yes, all of that.
27:09
Yes. And then a day later they have
27:12
like new thoughts and new feelings and you're like, yes,
27:15
all of that as well. Yeah.
27:16
It's like it morphs over time and it's healing is non linear.
27:20
So grieve breakup, loss, anything.
27:24
It comes in in waves. But yes, anding the the feelings
27:30
as they come and go because we know they're moving through that
27:33
person. Yeah.
27:34
Yeah, and it's all valid. Yeah, yeah.
27:37
Thank you so much for that. All right.
27:39
And this really goes nicely into the importance of setting and
27:43
coming back to your why and your values in everything you do, how
27:47
you show up in the world. You really did that.
27:49
You noticed, all right, I'm showing up in, in my, my masking
27:53
energy so much of the time. It's starting to, to suck the
27:56
life out of me a little bit. I need to make a shift here.
27:59
There's an opportunity to do this.
28:01
I'm going to tap into this other thing that I've honestly, if I
28:04
get honest with myself, I felt called to in so many ways since
28:07
I was a child. And so you were able to really
28:09
trust that. So talk to me about that, you
28:12
know, really tapping into those things to help inform how you
28:16
want to show up in all your spaces.
28:19
Yeah, this is so key for everybody, I think, to figure
28:24
out what their values are. And I do something with my
28:27
clients where we talk about what are your values as a human right
28:31
now? What are your values going to be
28:34
as a mother or a parent? And then what are your values
28:38
going to be as a family? And this really requires some
28:43
energy and some thought because as we transition, let's say from
28:48
a single, you know, a couple, two family right now, you are
28:53
going to have to adjust some of those.
28:55
You have to let some things go and createspace for this new
28:59
human that's going to have their own opinions and their own
29:02
feelings and their own needs and some of your values are going to
29:06
shift. This is part of the transition
29:09
and the honouring of that threshold that we're crossing
29:13
and going into this new journey. So for me, I think of my values
29:19
like a filtration system. And I really had to do this work
29:23
to like sit down and figure out, OK, let me take a assess all of
29:28
the things that are around me that I love, that I don't love.
29:32
What what am I? What do I spend my money on?
29:35
What do I spend my time on? What do I spend my energy on
29:38
that fills me up, that feels good.
29:40
And to me, it came down to really four things.
29:44
The first one is connection. It's at the heart of everything
29:47
I do, my relationships, my career.
29:51
Everything is about connecting with people.
29:53
It does fill me up. I'm also an extrovert, so
29:56
connecting with others and hearing their ideas and thoughts
29:58
and sharing is just vital. To me.
30:01
Growth is a big one. Personal growth, career growth,
30:05
all of it. I want to be expanding and
30:07
growing as a human being and getting better as I go along.
30:13
And so that's a filtration for me because if an opportunity
30:17
comes my way, I'm really going to filter it through.
30:19
Will this help me grow? Is it something I've never done
30:23
before? Is it some a person I've never
30:25
worked with? I don't want to take on
30:27
something that feels stagnant that I, oh, I've done that
30:30
before. I know exactly how to do it.
30:32
It's an easy choice. It's a safe choice.
30:34
But I know that for me, growth is so important.
30:37
I'm going to actually maybe say no to that, which is where the
30:40
boundary setting thing comes in and and then trust that the next
30:45
rate thing will come along that will help me grow.
30:48
Yeah. A very important one for me
30:50
personally. Self-expression is kind of a
30:54
newer value to me. In the last couple of years, I,
30:58
I never was able to tap into the idea of like, I'm creative, like
31:03
I create something out of nothing that didn't feel right
31:06
to me. But when I say self-expression,
31:09
I can put that into my art. I can put that into my writing,
31:13
I can put that into my words. So self-expression feels really
31:17
true to who I am. Yeah.
31:20
And and it's it's all valid and real and good because it's mine,
31:25
you know, it's my true. Yeah.
31:27
You can't deny what is myself a question exactly, but we can
31:31
judge creativity all we want. Well, that art is bad or that
31:34
art is good. You know, we have all these
31:36
aesthetic things. But for me it's like but it's if
31:38
it's me then it's then it's authentic and it's real.
31:41
Yeah. And then the last one for me is
31:43
freedom. I'm like always seeking freedom.
31:46
Freedom in my time, freedom in my space.
31:48
I want to, I want to do new things all the time.
31:51
I want to be flexible and free to be able to go, I don't know,
31:56
try something, travel somewhere. And this is a key thing that
32:01
comes into our family values too, because we like freedom as
32:04
a family. And I'm now divorced and my kids
32:08
are with me half the time. And one of the things is like,
32:11
we don't jam up our schedules with tons and tons and tons of
32:14
activities. Like the kids each have their
32:16
one thing that they do. And then we we have downtime.
32:20
We've actually value that as a family to be able to relax and
32:24
we don't jam pack our schedules every weekend intentionally.
32:28
You know, that may be some people that feels amazing, but
32:32
for me that didn't feel good. So.
32:34
We valued freedom as a family. I love that.
32:37
I love how and how you brought that back to you.
32:39
It really informs you where your healthy boundaries are.
32:43
It really, you go back in, you run it through this values
32:46
question, you know, like, how does this filter through that?
32:50
I love to filter, you know, example that metaphor really
32:54
because they're all tied together.
32:55
And this goes into nicely into living out of your own
32:59
expectations versus others. You've set out your values.
33:02
You're not living out of this expectation that my calendar has
33:05
to be filled all the time for me to feel like I'm, I don't know,
33:10
we're such a doing society. And it's like, no, that's our
33:13
time to be, to exist, to refill, to just be, to be present.
33:18
And it doesn't have to be filled with doings all the time.
33:21
So you're, you're identified your values.
33:25
That one helped you with your boundaries, knowing where they
33:28
need to be, but also it really is aligned with your your living
33:32
out of your own expectations versus others expectations.
33:36
Yeah, Yeah, for sure. Coming, changing careers has
33:41
been a thing that I feel like was really my expectation versus
33:47
others. And when I was young and I was
33:52
at some point, I moved away from the OBGYN idea and I wanted to
33:56
be an actor. And that was really what I
33:58
wanted for decades. And I went to NYU for that and I
34:03
pursued that. I moved to California for that
34:05
and when I left acting, and I only at first, I only left
34:10
acting for directing, right? So it's not a huge pivot.
34:12
But when I left that behind, I felt like I was letting
34:16
everybody down. My parents ordered my career.
34:19
They were so positive about it. They were, they helped put me
34:23
through school, you know, and a lot of those skills do translate
34:27
to directing. But for me, I felt like I was
34:30
starting all over again and was aligned for me at the time, it
34:35
was a much more positive, direct action for me.
34:37
I felt so much better being on the other side of the camera and
34:42
kind of orchestrating an experience for people that felt
34:45
so fulfilling, rather than for me just showing up on the day
34:49
and at somebody else's set. So it was true to myself and my
34:54
own expectations, but I also at the same time, I felt like I was
34:59
letting people down or that there was something to be
35:01
shameful about letting go of that year.
35:04
I have wanted for so long Like I had like I had lost, you know,
35:10
the game and I'm just like, you know, so that really was
35:15
challenging. When I then pivoted to do a
35:18
little work, it was much easier because I'd already done it once
35:21
and it away. And that that really was like,
35:26
oh, I know that it's probably going to happen again.
35:28
You know, I'm probably going to move and do something else.
35:31
And I'm totally OK with that now because I think, I think it's
35:35
Glenn and Doyle says you disappoint everyone else before
35:39
you disappoint yourself. Exactly.
35:43
So yeah. Yeah, that not abandoning
35:46
yourself peace, it's so important.
35:47
But I, I, yeah, it is really hard, especially in in a
35:51
vocation like acting where there's so many eyes and there's
35:54
so many dreams and all these things wrapped up in it.
35:58
And it's really easy. I think it it really.
36:01
It's like, you gotta like, you know, what does success feel
36:05
like for me? What, what feels healthy for me?
36:08
And, and really having to adjust that according to societal
36:12
expectations versus what you know is healthiest for you.
36:16
Trusting your instincts and, and, but having that nagging
36:20
feeling to them, like, wait a minute.
36:21
No, no, no, no. If I'm not honoring myself, then
36:26
that's not success. That's not that that is allowing
36:31
other expectations. They're either in my head or
36:34
real or both to dictate. And that doesn't allow me to
36:37
live out of my own authenticity. And and that doesn't, and that's
36:41
going to have a detriment, detrimental result down the
36:44
road. So thank you for taking us
36:46
through that. I think it's such an it's
36:48
something we all have to learn at some point, something we all
36:50
have to like navigate and get comfortable with.
36:52
But like you said, once you do it and you know what the outcome
36:55
can be, then you trust that you're like, oh, wait a minute,
36:58
no, this has a way of working out.
37:00
And I know from my own history that this is the honoring thing
37:03
to do. Yeah, exactly.
37:05
And a small sidebar on a like a very silly example of living out
37:09
of someone else's expectations versus your own.
37:12
I would give this because maybe the career piece is like too big
37:14
at this point for somebody. But I, you know, when I was,
37:19
especially when I was directing, I was at a lot of like film
37:21
festivals and red carpet events. And, and there's this
37:25
expectation of like, OK, I'd have to get dressed up now and I
37:29
have to wear like high heels or something.
37:32
And I'm already very tall as it is and I hate high heels.
37:36
I just, but it was like, I should, right?
37:39
This is a big new shirt because this is how it should go.
37:42
And I don't remember what gave me the idea, but I was like a
37:46
couple of years ago, I was like, I'm never again.
37:49
I'm just not going to do it. And I got rid of all of my high
37:52
heels, all my dressy shoes. I have a pair of very
37:55
comfortable work boots and I wear them like 24/7.
38:00
I do everything in them. And when I go to red carpet
38:03
events, I wear a comfortable jumpsuit or whatever.
38:06
And I wear those boots and I'm unapologetically, this is me.
38:11
So this is what you get. And I feel very happy that I did
38:15
that because that's me. That's who I.
38:17
I love that thing. Thank you so much for that And,
38:19
you know, evacuating the shoulds from our life.
38:22
I mean, I think it's such an important piece of that too,
38:25
because it, it just tends to take us down a, a, a path of,
38:32
of, you know, others expectations and pressures that
38:36
you should based on who, who said that I did that And why
38:39
can't we just redefine that? Yeah, absolutely.
38:42
So good. Thank you so much for that.
38:44
This goes nicely into accepting the layered aspects of
38:47
ourselves, all those pieces and parts of our story that make up
38:52
who we are, the things we love, the things we maybe don't love
38:55
as much, but we have. I really believe in order to
38:58
really get to a healthy space where you really know your value
39:01
and are able to really live as your most authentic self, you
39:04
got to get up to a place where you are able to accept and
39:07
acknowledge all those pieces and parts of you.
39:09
So talk to me about your your layers journey.
39:12
Yeah, I I agree that the parts of us that we don't want to
39:18
accept are kind of our shadow selves.
39:21
Yeah. I had a lot of those I had I was
39:25
introduced to shadow work maybe like 3 or 4 years ago.
39:29
And the idea, which I'm sure your listeners are familiar
39:32
with, but just the idea of going, what is that shadow self?
39:35
What is that kind of ugly part of ourselves we don't want to
39:39
admit is there? And we hide in the closet and we
39:43
shun it away and we say go away when it tries to pop its head
39:47
up. But there are all of these, you
39:49
know, demons are really just unheard angels.
39:52
If you want to use that kind of a phrase, like it's they need to
39:55
be seen and heard and accepted and integrated.
39:59
It goes right into internal family systems and parts work,
40:03
right. So, yeah.
40:05
So this was a big part of the therapy that I did with my
40:09
therapist and learning this work.
40:11
But for me, one of the shadow words that I would bring up that
40:15
would come up all the time is lazy.
40:18
That I'm lazy. And as I mentioned, I'm hyper
40:22
productive in my masculine energy, very much a go getter.
40:26
I wanted to work all the time. So I was afraid of rest.
40:31
I was afraid of of doing nothing, of being a feeling.
40:36
And you know, we are very cultured as a society to do, do,
40:39
do all the time, especially here in the US, as you've mentioned,
40:43
working these 80 hour weeks for what?
40:47
Like where, when do we get to live our life and be and enjoy
40:53
this? I, I've been working on a lazy
40:55
piece a lot. I now have a partner who has
40:59
that, a good healthy scoop of that.
41:00
Now he's not lazy, but that's relaxation and rest is so vital
41:05
for him. And he's really taught me how to
41:09
step into that. He at a certain point in the
41:11
day, because we often are working from home.
41:14
It's like 6 o'clock 7:00. He's like, OK, I'm, I'm shut off
41:18
work brain is off. We do a lot of creative projects
41:21
together. So like I'll want to talk about
41:23
something late into the evening. He's like not going to process
41:25
it now let's talk about something else.
41:27
Put a pin in it for tomorrow. So he has really good boundaries
41:31
about that. So I've been working on that for
41:33
myself and I'm really proud because last weekend I decided
41:37
to do a silent retreat for myself, DIY.
41:41
Like I went up to our mountain place, spent 24 hours in silence
41:46
with no device, no book, no music, no nothing.
41:48
And I just, I was being, I was feeling the wind on my face and
41:54
looking at the sky. And it was a great, great
41:58
exercise and a showcasing to myself of how far I've come.
42:02
And I, I actually was like, oh, this is a really enjoyable
42:07
laying here on the day bed, you know, and, and that's such
42:12
growth for me as a person who wanted to do, do, do all the
42:17
time. Yeah, thank you so much for
42:20
that. That's such a good example.
42:21
And lazy's one of those words that we have miss.
42:25
I don't know if this is a word or not miss defined or we've
42:28
defined it in such an unhealthy way and you know, resting and
42:33
taking a break from work and stepping away and knowing what
42:38
our limits are. And taking a nap.
42:41
And I mean all those things that's not lazy.
42:45
And, and we have to really, I think either get rid of the word
42:49
or really create a proper understanding around what it
42:53
means because it's not what so many of us have been taught and
42:58
have shame or I feel like we have to hide around or, and, and
43:03
it's used as really a kind of a weaponized word.
43:06
I mean, it's so much that I, I'm so glad you spoke to that.
43:10
I think it's really something that a lot of people struggle
43:13
with. Yeah.
43:14
And a great tool for this, by the way, is, you know, we
43:18
ideally we could take the word lazy and we could be like, Yep,
43:20
I have a lazy part, you know, and I own that.
43:23
And that would be sort of idyllic, you know, just to say
43:26
that like I have an ugly part too.
43:28
Like I have beauty and I have ugliness because if we are all
43:31
things, right, then we are all things.
43:34
Yeah, that's hard. That's a hard thing to get to.
43:37
You know, it's a big leap. A a tool that I use for that is
43:41
to redefine the word as you're saying, right?
43:45
So if if lazy is that character, that part of us and we give that
43:51
a new title and we say, oh, that's the queen of rest.
43:54
She's always looking out for rest.
43:57
She's looking for opportunities. Or we could take 5 minutes and
44:00
rest. She's looking to, she's just
44:03
gonna really advocate for the rest in our in our lives and
44:09
she'll be like, oh, thank you. That is a good time to rest.
44:11
We're like, oh, thank you queen. No, this is not a great time for
44:15
me to rest, but thank you for advocating.
44:16
Then she feels heard. She's at the part.
44:19
Of our wisdom she's valued and like look at the mental image
44:23
you just created or who the Queen of rest is rather than
44:27
this like lazy word that's been like, as you said, weaponized.
44:31
Yeah, yeah, Thank you for that. That's such a good example.
44:34
And I, you know, it's that curiosity piece, that curiosity
44:37
over judgement piece whenever we run into something that we bump
44:41
into something. But those are such great
44:43
examples. Thanks so much for sharing this.
44:45
All right, in living out feel, finding empowerment, embracing
44:49
layers, talk to me about how that's impacted your
44:53
relationship with yourself and your relationship with other
44:56
people. Yeah, for sure.
44:59
Because exactly what you said, like I have to know who I am
45:04
before I can be in relationship with others, right?
45:08
So that was a big part of my journey.
45:10
I had to really know myself. And that meant that after my
45:16
divorce, like I spent several years intentionally single
45:18
because I was really trying to figure out who I was and what
45:23
made me joyful, what made me feel nourished, what made me
45:27
feel satisfied. I had spent I was with that my
45:32
ex-husband for 17 years all together.
45:34
So I was like I grew up with in my early 20s with him.
45:37
And so I just I needed to learn again who I was.
45:42
One of the pieces I learned is that I have to allow myself to
45:46
change. I have.
45:47
To you know, as I I know that I'm going to change all we are
45:51
always changing in every moment. So I need to allow that to
45:55
happen and this completely deepens my relationships with
46:01
all of my family, my partner. Now my friends like to really
46:06
know who I am and allows them to be uniquely themselves as well
46:10
to know themselves. I'm not trying to be like
46:14
anybody else. I'm trying to be more like me.
46:17
That makes me that makes me more valuable because someone knows
46:23
what they're going to get with me, right?
46:24
You're going to get this, this is what you're going to get all
46:26
of these things that I value and this is what I do and take it or
46:31
leave it, right. Whether that's somebody, you
46:33
know, career or in a relationship or a friendship,
46:36
like this is what I, who I am and that that change is just so
46:41
inevitable too. So I'm my values may change over
46:44
time. I'm sure they will.
46:45
You know, this is inevitable to happen and we need to kind of
46:48
like release what's not right and say room for something new
46:53
that's coming in. And then I can offer the same
46:56
thing that I've offered to myself.
46:58
All of that Ioffer that to others as well.
47:02
So good. Thank you so much for that and
47:03
thank you for addressing that part of, you know, being aware
47:06
of we're going to go through seasons and it's only normal
47:10
that that values sometimes change or we have to realign
47:13
things. So paying attention to that.
47:15
In in. Range those signals we're
47:17
getting from our body like something's a little out of
47:20
alignment here. We need to go back and and look
47:23
at this again and see if this still fits.
47:26
Yeah, I'm so glad you talked about that.
47:28
Thank you so much for all of that.
47:30
All right, we are down to the rapid fire.
47:33
Name 5 activities that nourish you and you really talked about
47:38
this a little bit with your values, but name 5 activities.
47:40
That nourish you? Walking, writing, meditation.
47:48
As much as I still have resistance to it, it does
47:52
nourish me. Showering.
47:57
That hot? Water that that cleansing of the
48:01
soul. And then this one is a little
48:05
odd, but just sitting in a coffee shop for me, like
48:10
nourishes all the parts, whether whatever I'm doing, if I'm
48:13
working, I'm reading, I'm writing, I'm sipping a coffee or
48:15
not. Like I just like to be in that
48:18
space and it all the people in the buzz and the activity and
48:23
the kind of anonymity of sitting there, it does something for me.
48:28
So that's very nourishing. Yeah, thank you for that.
48:32
All right. And five words on how you want
48:34
to feel the next six months. Abundant, authentic, blossoming,
48:49
calm and grounded. So good.
48:54
All right. Would you like to share with the
48:56
audience how they can find you, follow you?
49:00
There's some things we've talked about already, but there's some
49:02
things that could happen, addressed yet that you are
49:04
offering to people. And this will also be on our
49:07
website at embracinglayers.com on the resources page, but let
49:11
people know that right now as well.
49:13
Sure. Yeah, the best way to get in
49:15
touch with me is on my website, itsfosterwilson.com.
49:19
I am a postpartum doula based in Los Angeles and I also do some
49:24
remote work. So anyone who's interested in
49:26
any of that can definitely reach out to me directly there.
49:30
I also host a podcast myself. I Co host with my partner.
49:34
It's called Beauty in the Break and we talk about resilience
49:39
during the toughest times of our lives, focused on storytelling,
49:44
the moments that have broken us wide open and then the light
49:48
that shines through those cracks and how we got to to finding
49:52
that beauty. So we're two very different
49:54
people who have wildly different backgrounds and stories to tell.
49:58
So we cover a lot of that stuff. And then we sometimes have
50:02
guests as well. So you can find that on all
50:04
podcast platforms and YouTube. And then I'm on Instagram.
50:08
I'm not on Instagram, not much, but if you wanted to follow me,
50:11
I'm there. The Foster Wilson.
50:13
OK. And you mentioned a book
50:15
earlier. Do you want to talk about the
50:17
book? Yeah, thank you.
50:18
Yes. My book is called Afternoon
50:21
Abundance Poetry for Wild Souls, and it came out in September.
50:25
And it's, yeah, it's my first poetry collection.
50:29
And I I just pour everything about motherhood and identity
50:34
and grief. And it's really about the kind
50:39
of the burning of the fire and excavating all of these deep
50:43
emotions that are very real that we've talked about today.
50:46
And and then the blossoming that comes on the other side of that,
50:50
how vibrant and colorful we can be in the world.
50:53
We really honor all the truth that lives underneath.
50:57
So you can find it any more. Books are sold online or on my
51:00
website as well. OK, great.
51:02
Thank you so much for all of this.
51:03
Foster. Thank you so much for your time
51:05
today. Such a so many great insights,
51:08
so much wisdom. Thank you for sharing your story
51:10
with us and all that you offer in the world.
51:13
Is there any last thoughts you'd like to leave with our listeners
51:16
today? I just want to say that you are
51:20
enough. I believe in you.
51:23
You are enough. Everything that you feel is real
51:27
and valid, honor that and then just bloom.
51:33
All right, that is a great place to wrap this up.
51:35
Listeners, we hope that you found this is nourishing as I
51:38
know I have. Take good care of yourselves.
51:41
Take those words that Foster has just left you with and we'll see
51:44
you next time here on the Field podcast.
51:48
Hello and thank you so much for being with us today on this
51:52
episode of the Feel podcast. If you would like more
51:56
information on how you can apply these talking points that I
52:00
share with our guests in each episode to your own life, really
52:05
utilize this Feel framework, go to embracinglayers.com, fill out
52:10
our contact form, and let's set up a free 30 minute consultation
52:16
to talk about how you can start being your most authentic,
52:20
organic, healthy feel fueled life.
52:24
Thanks again for being with us today.
52:26
We'll be back to you soon with another episode here on the Feel
52:29
Podcast.