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The 2 Exceptions To No Contact · The Art of Love With Lucia

• 0:07
  No contact is probably the most misunderstood breakup strategy
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  because the people who need it the most are usually too anxious
• 0:17
  to do it. They want to respond to every
• 0:20
  text. They want to reach out.
• 0:22
  They want to feel like they're doing something.
• 0:25
  So when a coach comes along and tells them that the usual no
• 0:30
  contact advice is wrong and that they can reach out or respond,
• 0:35
  of course that sounds appealing. And in fact, one of my clients
• 0:40
  sent me a video exactly like that and wondered if maybe we'd
• 0:44
  used the wrong strategy. We didn't, by the way.
• 0:48
  So in this video I want to clear up the biggest misconceptions
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  about no contact. Sometimes you should be in no
• 0:55
  contact and sometimes you shouldn't.
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  And knowing the difference is what gives you your best chance
• 1:02
  to get your ex back. If you're new here, Hi, my name
• 1:05
  is Lucia. I'm a dating and relationship
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  expert specializing in helping you get your ex back.
• 1:11
  And if you're not new, you're part of my no contact army.
• 1:15
  Have you been a good old soldier and stayed in no contact?
• 1:18
  I certainly hope so. OK, so let's go over the no
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  contact rule. When someone breaks up with you,
• 1:25
  you stop contacting them. You stop watching their stories,
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  you don't ask their friends for an update, and if they do reach
• 1:35
  out, you don't respond to bread crumbs.
• 1:39
  Also, no contact is not for when someone is merely pulling away,
• 1:44
  it's for breakups. If they ended the relationship,
• 1:49
  they removed you from their life.
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  So the default is that there's no reason to stay in contact
• 1:55
  except for logistics or if you work together or have kids
• 1:59
  together. So in the video that my client
• 2:02
  sent me, and I'm not going to say who it is, I'll just say
• 2:04
  it's a male dating coach, he says that the typical breakup
• 2:08
  advice is the 30 day no contact rule.
• 2:11
  No it's not. I made a video about 7 years ago
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  called the 30 day no contact rule is BS.
• 2:22
  Like are we still talking about the 30 day no contact rule?
• 2:28
  I think most people know by now there is no universal #30 days
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  is not some magical formula. So I will put the link to that
• 2:36
  video in the upper right hand corner on YouTube.
• 2:40
  And this coach also said that you should always respond when
• 2:43
  your ex reaches out because otherwise they'll think you're
• 2:46
  angry. No, not necessarily.
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  And even if they do, you're not responsible for what your ex
• 2:54
  thinks about you. You can't control how people
• 2:57
  interpret your actions, whether it's a breakup or in life in
• 3:01
  general. Maybe you realize the break
• 3:05
  breakup was for the best. Maybe you moved on.
• 3:08
  Maybe you don't care as much as they thought you did.
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  So fear of how you look is not a good reason to break your
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  silence. And it's not about being angry,
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  it's about self respect. They literally kicked you out of
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  their life so there's no reason to keep giving them access.
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  They need to sit with their decision.
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  They do not get to use you to get over you or for reassurance
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  or to soothe their ego and relieve their guilt.
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  And one of my clients was dumped and his ex immediately started
• 3:46
  dating someone else. And yet she kept reaching out
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  despite him telling her that he was not going to be in contact
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  as long as she was in another relationship.
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  But she's still triple and quadruple texted because she
• 4:03
  wanted to make sure he was OK. At least that was her excuse.
• 4:07
  Of course he wasn't OK. She tore his heart out and
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  started seeing another man. How the hell is he going to be
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  OK? She wanted to alleviate her
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  guilt and make sure she still had access.
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  No, she doesn't get to have her cake and eat it too.
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  Now there are exceptions to the no contact rule.
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  This is why it's not a one-size-fits-all strategy and
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  this is one of the reasons why I offer one-on-one coaching, so
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  you can find out what you should be doing for your particular
• 4:42
  situation. Because obviously in these
• 4:45
  videos I have to speak generally in terms of what works most of
• 4:49
  the time. But sometimes it's actually
• 4:51
  better to reach out or to respond, and that way you can
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  find out exactly what you should be doing for your situation
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  instead of trying to guess. So if you're interested in
• 5:02
  coaching with me, go to theartoflove.net/coaching and we
• 5:07
  will send you the rates. They are not on the website and
• 5:11
  the direct link to that is underneath every single video
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  and podcast. So what are the exceptions?
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  The most misunderstood exception is if they broke up with you
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  because you took them for granted.
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  You do not do the typical no contact.
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  Now people always think that they took the other person for
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  granted and that's why they were dumped and that's why they
• 5:35
  should break no contact. It's not that cut and dry.
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  Taking for granted means that you did not make them feel like
• 5:44
  a priority, or they did not feel loved or valued or emotionally
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  safe with you. In that case, you do not handle
• 5:54
  no contact in the same way. You give them some space first,
• 5:59
  a minimum of 30 days because no one is going to break up with
• 6:04
  you, and then two days later change their mind.
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  Ego and pride will not let them do that.
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  And if they contact you, yes, in that case you do respond.
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  If you cheated, that's another situation where you don't handle
• 6:21
  this the traditional way. Again, give them space before
• 6:24
  contacting them and if they reach out first, you respond.
• 6:31
  And if staying in no contact is hard for you, that's exactly why
• 6:36
  I created my app Silencio, where it would help you to stay in no
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  contact. We have a panic button and we
• 6:43
  have a thriving community where you can post about your
• 6:47
  situation and get a lot of help from everybody else who's in the
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  same boat. And the link to that is
• 6:53
  underneath every single video and podcast.
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  And if you also like to read, I have my book, which is available
• 7:00
  at nocontactsecrets.com where you can read 2 free chapters
• 7:04
  before you purchase the book. Now also, if you were ghosted or
• 7:09
  broken up with and you didn't cheat or take them for granted,
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  there are other exceptions where you can actually be the one to
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  reach out. And one time after being
• 7:21
  ghosted, I was in no contact for about 5 months and I'm the one
• 7:27
  who broke it. Now you may be saying, Oh my
• 7:30
  God, Lucia, you're the general of the no contact army.
• 7:35
  You were supposed to break it. Well, do not try this at home.
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  I'm a professional. I knew what I was doing.
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  It was a very particular set of circumstances where I knew that
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  it would not backfire and in fact I was right and the guy was
• 7:55
  relieved and appreciative that I broke the stalemate again.
• 8:00
  No contact is not a one-size-fits-all strategy.
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  And one more thing, going into no contact doesn't automatically
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  mean you block them and unfollow them.
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  Those are separate decisions. In fact I've always said that if
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  you're going to block them you need to wait at least 60 days
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  and I've done several videos on that topic and I will put the
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  link in the upper right hand corner on YouTube so no contact
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  is misunderstood. Because people keep treating it
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  like it's either cruel, manipulative, or outdated.
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  It isn't. In many cases it's the most self
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  respecting response to a breakup, but it's not automatic
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  in every situation and the real skill is knowing when it applies
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  and when to make an exception. So now I want to hear from you.
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  How long have you been in No Contact and how is it going?
• 8:58
  And in the meantime, be sure to subscribe on either YouTube or
• 9:02
  as a podcast so you don't miss out on future videos and
• 9:06
  episodes. And remember, love inspires,
• 9:09
  empowers, uplifts and enlightens.