Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / When Your Husband Says "Nothing Is Ever Good Enough For You"

Transcript

When Your Husband Says "Nothing Is Ever Good Enough For You" · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the doctor.
• 0:07
  Psych mom ship today. We are going to be talking about
• 0:10
  the common issue where guy says to a woman, nothing is ever good
• 0:15
  enough for you. And why there may be different
• 0:18
  ways to understand this some related to your husband and some
• 0:21
  related to you, it's easy to say that he's just saying that cause
• 0:25
  he doesn't want to do more stuff or something, but that's not
• 0:28
  always accurate. And on the other hand it's easy
• 0:30
  for the man just to say that there's nothing good enough for
• 0:34
  the woman without exploring. Why he may think that?
• 0:37
  So before we get to that, of course you should be
• 0:40
  subscribing. So click on subscribe, so you
• 0:42
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• 0:50
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  subscribe. And there's also my Facebook
• 1:00
  group, remember, where people are talking about.
• 1:02
  A lot of interesting stuff is not a Port group per se because
• 1:07
  that would be, you know, have to be like this whole thing, you
• 1:10
  know, this whole therapy hipaa-compliant thing.
• 1:13
  But it does have a little bit of a flavor of people at least
• 1:15
  supporting one another. And it's also like saying,
• 1:18
  funny, things and jokes, and whatever else, you know, it's
• 1:21
  like a normal group. But anyway, so that would be a
• 1:24
  secret place, a private Facebook group, where people don't see
• 1:27
  what you comment on my stuff. Anyhow, who diving into this
• 1:30
  topic. So what are some situations
• 1:34
  where this comes up? So for A woman will tell the man
• 1:36
  to clean the kitchen. Let's say or the bathroom or
• 1:39
  whatever and he will and this is earlier in the marriage and she
• 1:44
  comes in and she's like oh or something like that and then she
• 1:48
  cleans it herself and he's aware that she's cleaning, it smells
• 1:51
  like bleach the next day or something, you know?
• 1:53
  And so like if this stuff happens enough over time then
• 1:57
  the man will be like what am I wasting my time for you notice
• 2:01
  would be like if my boss told me to do something, I did it and
• 2:03
  then like the guy who works, He's across down the hall.
• 2:07
  Did it again? What's the point of me doing it?
• 2:10
  You know, in that point in that regard, that it would be that
• 2:13
  the boss is some sort of a lunatic and you just have to do
• 2:16
  this for the boss. But at home, you know, in order
• 2:19
  to not lose your job. Even though your work isn't
• 2:21
  actually ever going to be the one that it's criteria for good
• 2:26
  enough and there's other dude is going to be doing it.
• 2:29
  But at home that seems unreasonable like white like and
• 2:32
  it is unreasonable, you are Both going to do the task.
• 2:37
  So why would you do it first? And it's not framed.
• 2:40
  Like, can you pre clean the bathroom?
• 2:41
  No, it's frayed. Like, can you clean the
• 2:43
  bathroom? So that when she does it again,
• 2:45
  it seems like, well, I really fucked that one up somehow and
• 2:49
  or she's never satisfied. So, neither of those is going to
• 2:54
  create a atmosphere. Hospitable to the man, really
• 2:57
  put in some effort because he did put in some effort.
• 3:01
  Like, see that's what people forget early in the
• 3:03
  relationship. There could be two things that
• 3:05
  goes on that. Go on either the woman really
• 3:08
  never let the guy do anything. And then later in the
• 3:11
  relationship, all of a sudden she says clean the bathroom.
• 3:13
  He's like, how the fuck do I do that?
• 3:15
  And then she's like oh my God, you don't even know how to clean
• 3:17
  the bathroom. Forget it.
• 3:17
  I'll do it. I see that a lot or she says,
• 3:22
  clean the bathroom. He does a bad job.
• 3:24
  She reacts like she would with no one else in her life.
• 3:27
  So with anyone else in her life she be like, oh, that's a good
• 3:29
  first try for something. You never clean.
• 3:31
  The bathroom here. Could you next time?
• 3:32
  Do this? This and this like she does with
• 3:34
  her. Instead saying, oh my God,
• 3:37
  that's how you think about them. Should be clean, forget it.
• 3:39
  I'm not going to do anything or by the time that she asks him to
• 3:42
  start cleaning the bathroom. He's already mad at her for like
• 3:46
  a million reasons. She's also mad at him and he's
• 3:48
  like, fuck it. Like I'm not going to do that.
• 3:51
  You never told me do that. I'll hire somebody to do it but
• 3:53
  I'm not going to do it because I don't want to clean a bathroom.
• 3:56
  You know, at this was never part of anything that we ought to do
• 3:58
  before and I'm going to hire a housekeeper now.
• 4:01
  There used to be in previous generations, something where the
• 4:04
  man would say no, you In the bathroom.
• 4:06
  I don't know. Any men that breathe.
• 4:09
  This is a different generation. I do not see any men who say
• 4:13
  that, no, it's your job to clean the bathroom never II mean if
• 4:17
  they exist that man's being a douchebag but if he doesn't say
• 4:22
  to you so then if you say well that I'm not going to clean it
• 4:24
  either he's like well fuck it. Nobody will I mean you really
• 4:27
  ought to get into couples counseling so you know if you
• 4:29
  won't pay for the housekeeper, do it if he's not going to do it
• 4:32
  and he's saying the only options that you're going to do it.
• 4:34
  That's not a marriage. It's also nothing that I see so
• 4:37
  it's we don't have to talk about it anymore.
• 4:39
  If you are married to the guy who does do that then couples
• 4:42
  counseling must start forth with because like you know you can't
• 4:46
  just say to somebody I don't ever want to participate in this
• 4:50
  activity and I have no other option in case you don't either.
• 4:54
  Unless of course, then this is a point, unless there was a
• 4:58
  marital contract where it was made very explicit that the
• 5:01
  woman wanted to and would stay home and take care of the quote.
• 5:05
  Boat house and children, and he would go out and make all the
• 5:09
  money in that case, sometimes women then say, no.
• 5:12
  Actually, I want to take care of the house and kids but I don't
• 5:16
  want to ever clean the bathroom again in those cases.
• 5:19
  The man may be like, well, I thought that was part of the
• 5:21
  deal but quickly he changes his tune and is love because he
• 5:25
  doesn't want to be painted as like the biggest asshole in the
• 5:27
  planet or huge chauvinist. So he says, so then we could get
• 5:30
  somebody in every other week now, even this in and of itself
• 5:33
  is interesting because this Is exactly why the guy will say
• 5:37
  nothing's ever good enough for you.
• 5:38
  Because frequently, but we'll be like every other week.
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  Bathroom has to be cleaned twice a week and then he'll be like,
• 5:45
  no it doesn't, it could be cleaned every other week and she
• 5:48
  went well then that's basically like you opting out of it and
• 5:50
  then we have like, a whole huge discussion.
• 5:53
  So the entirety of this is based upon different expectations, for
• 5:58
  how things are executed. And that's why when people
• 6:01
  divide certain tasks, it only like in in this hole, I forget
• 6:07
  what it's called fair play, or some kind of book or whatever
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  were you like divide up the chores like with cards this can
• 6:13
  work for some people but it would work for people who could
• 6:15
  have figured this shit out. Anyway, the people that I see
• 6:19
  are the ones where if they divided the chores on the card,
• 6:22
  one would have trouble with how the other one did their half of
• 6:25
  the cards. So that's the issue to work on.
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  So, if you are truly somebody with extremely high standards,
• 6:33
  you probably suffer from anxiety.
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  No anxiety is one of those things that people don't admit
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  to having, because they don't think that it's anxiety.
• 6:40
  They think of themselves being real Taipei or something.
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  But if you are somebody who does suffer with anxiety, slashes,
• 6:46
  really type a wound, really tight.
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  High-strung constantly worrying has a million list always thinks
• 6:53
  about what could go wrong. You know, that person the person
• 6:55
  with anxiety. So if you're that person, then
• 6:58
  it's unlikely that the other person's tour performance or
• 7:02
  childcare or really anything is ever going to be yours.
• 7:05
  Our standards. You got to look internally at
• 7:07
  what your standards are frequently.
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  You were raised in a very perfectionistic rigid household
• 7:12
  with a lot of rules and expectations for your behavior.
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  Almost impossibly, high standards.
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  And now when you see what you think of is anybody phoning
• 7:20
  anything and you get very angry and you should refer back to my
• 7:24
  podcast is a subscriber. One on white people hate certain
• 7:28
  traits and others if you are somebody who hates when people
• 7:31
  quote phone it in ever and you're telling yourself that,
• 7:35
  Because like you have such a big, you know, strong work
• 7:38
  ethic, it's also because you wish you could be relaxed you
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  know on some level you just wish that you could sometimes be
• 7:44
  relaxed. And so you're jealous of people
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  who, you know, clean the bathroom, but don't get down on
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  the floor and take away every tiny Speck with a toothbrush.
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  Like, you're not that person, and it's hard to be the person
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  you are and easier to be that other person that doesn't suffer
• 7:59
  from anxiety. So there's that side of it.
• 8:02
  There's also the side of it that maybe the Husband Now is really
• 8:07
  doing a shit job out of some passive-aggressive thing where
• 8:10
  he doesn't know how to say. I either don't want to do this
• 8:13
  task and we'll figure out other ways to do it or I feel
• 8:17
  completely constricted by your anxiety and every regard.
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  And like my life is is very really restricted and can only
• 8:28
  operate. We can only operate in this very
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  narrow band of potential things that we can do because of your
• 8:34
  anxiety. As I talked about in the podcast
• 8:38
  eons ago and season 1 AK a couple months ago about why men
• 8:43
  want divorce they want divorce in frequently compared to women
• 8:47
  but when they do one of the reasons is they feel that the
• 8:51
  woman's anxiety is constricting and restricting their life and
• 8:54
  that of their children. So if you are somebody who is
• 8:57
  like 25,000 lists and rules and and bullet points in your head
• 9:01
  or written out about the ways that certain things should be
• 9:04
  done. Some men don't have the balls to
• 9:06
  call you out on this because they don't want to destroy the
• 9:09
  rest of the night /, the rest of their life.
• 9:11
  So they will and this is not good instead to passive
• 9:15
  aggressive sort of things like do an actually bad job.
• 9:21
  Not what they think is a good job which if they think it's a
• 9:24
  good job if they're like hey look I clean the bathroom, you
• 9:26
  like it and it looks in your mind like shit.
• 9:29
  That person actually tried to clean the bathroom.
• 9:31
  Well so say yeah, it looks good except like, you know, Next
• 9:35
  time. Like, you know, you also have to
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  do the shower that's part of the bathroom, you know, and there's
• 9:40
  things like this, and people have never done anything, they
• 9:42
  have no fucking idea what to do. So they think that means, you
• 9:45
  know, Windex the floor. Oh look, I clean the bathroom,
• 9:48
  but I used to be like, oh actually the showers part of the
• 9:50
  bathroom. Here's how we do that.
• 9:52
  The same as you would with your kids, you know?
• 9:55
  But like instead, like some people will be, there are people
• 10:00
  that do this. You'll know, if you do this, if
• 10:01
  you're a husband listening to this that passive aggressive, We
• 10:05
  do a bad job because there are like my whole fucking life is
• 10:07
  going to be about this. I bust my ass all week, what is
• 10:10
  she even doing? And all she do running around
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  like a chicken without a head, making up shit for herself to do
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  and now she wants me to be on my knees scrubbing, the toilet,
• 10:19
  that's not what I'm going to do. So I'm going to do a shit job,
• 10:22
  they don't usually articulated that clearly.
• 10:25
  But the tone is there, and with a tiny bit of introspection, you
• 10:29
  can become aware if you are really, you know, being very
• 10:33
  passive aggressive in this. Right?
• 10:35
  And if you are what that means is you should immediately stop.
• 10:38
  It doesn't mean that then you have to do an awesome job at the
• 10:40
  bathroom. It means that you're being
• 10:41
  disingenuous your resentment. Toward your wife is mounting.
• 10:44
  It's likely that you will explode at some point when she
• 10:47
  tells you some other thing to do and or it's likely that in your
• 10:51
  mind, you're forming an escape plan for getting out of the
• 10:53
  marriage. So none of this should just go
• 10:56
  by the wayside and pushed under the rug.
• 10:59
  Instead, you need to have an open discussion with your wife.
• 11:02
  Hey, I feel really constricts. Acted by all the rules and
• 11:06
  regulations and standards. You know infinitely high
• 11:10
  standards for housework Child Care, Etc.
• 11:13
  I feel like I am not getting a minute to relax honestly and I
• 11:18
  want to go to a couple's counselor and discuss how we
• 11:20
  could divide this better. Like, yeah, you may be right
• 11:23
  that I tend toward being lazy. I think you tend to it being
• 11:25
  anxious so there must be some Middle Ground that's called
• 11:29
  being open that's being like a true partner and an adult what
• 11:34
  is not being a true. An adult is cleaning the
• 11:37
  bathroom grumbling about it leaving literally like like like
• 11:42
  mounds of dirt on the floor and then being like I thought I did
• 11:47
  it. I guess nothing's ever good
• 11:48
  enough for you around. That is not being a good
• 11:51
  partner, so don't be that grin are my person.
• 11:55
  So next, what are what are some other reasons, that your husband
• 11:59
  may say this? There's something called
• 12:01
  maternal gatekeeping. So this is applicable mostly to
• 12:04
  child care versus How's work, but it can be more for housework
• 12:07
  if your identity and it can be some for housework, it was more
• 12:11
  previous generations when woman's identity was also around
• 12:14
  keeping a nice home instead of just like being a good mom
• 12:18
  usually the women I see. They prioritize being a good mom
• 12:21
  and this generation above identifying deeply with the
• 12:24
  house. Some women do identify deeply
• 12:26
  with the house as well. So if you are doing gatekeeping
• 12:32
  Behavior with this means is that you are Basically,
• 12:35
  subconsciously stopping your husband from engaging on certain
• 12:39
  childcare or housework will stick to Child Care.
• 12:42
  Child, Care, related tasks because you secretly want to be
• 12:44
  the only one who could do it. I see this a lot with working
• 12:46
  moms who less so with stay-at-home moms but sometimes
• 12:50
  with them too. So, with working moms
• 12:52
  frequently, there's a lot of guilt for being away all day.
• 12:54
  So, there is a point of Pride about that that you are the
• 12:58
  preferred parent and you are the only one who can do X Y or Z.
• 13:03
  So, If you're like a man and you think that women are like
• 13:07
  totally 100% on ambivalent about wanting you to help with the
• 13:13
  kids? I don't see that like I mean
• 13:16
  there may be some women that are many women if it flips and the
• 13:21
  child prefers you they don't feel good about it.
• 13:25
  So you could ask your wife where she is on this spectrum because
• 13:28
  if you were the perfect I see I don't see any men who come in
• 13:32
  and say to me, I feel so bad that the kid reaches out for
• 13:34
  Mom. Instead of me.
• 13:35
  No, that's not true. That's not true.
• 13:36
  I've seen that a couple times. I have seen that a couple times
• 13:40
  that's among guys, with honestly, very preoccupied
• 13:43
  attachments. You could refer to my attachment
• 13:45
  Theory podcast. So, guys, you take that
• 13:47
  personally, there are some, but really most guys feel kind of
• 13:51
  proud of that. Like, I picked a woman who's a
• 13:53
  good mom, to the point that naturally the baby prefers.
• 13:56
  The mother, I do see this, by the way, with co-parenting
• 14:00
  situations, after divorce that a man feels really bad when the
• 14:03
  kid doesn't want to come to him. And instead keeps asking about
• 14:06
  the woman, but I see it much more.
• 14:09
  That women feel bad when the kid prefers, the dad, whether or
• 14:13
  not? They're divorced.
• 14:15
  So there's a lot of women who got to be really honest with
• 14:18
  themselves. So, if you say that you want
• 14:22
  like this whole, like default parent thing, I have rarely
• 14:25
  heard it said, without some sort of, you know, kind of like Pride
• 14:29
  a little bit like, oh, they go right past their dad, dad
• 14:32
  standing right there and they'll come over to meet asked for
• 14:34
  oranges. It's just the craziest thing and
• 14:37
  I say, why can't you go over to your dad?
• 14:39
  But when they're telling the story, this isn't like.
• 14:42
  So what I did was I left the house and I went out on my own,
• 14:47
  you know, for the day I really had a great day.
• 14:49
  Went to the mall once did some shopping and when they come to
• 14:52
  me I say no from now on Dad's going to be the only one to get
• 14:56
  you some orange juice. Never do.
• 14:58
  I hear that? Never why?
• 15:00
  Because I don't want to do that because there's something about
• 15:03
  the kid going to you that people.
• 15:05
  People like there are women who are not the default parent and
• 15:08
  it's because they do what I'm saying.
• 15:10
  They have a much more egalitarian split, so they are
• 15:13
  much more likely to lock the bathroom door when they're
• 15:17
  taking a shower, guess what? Kids aren't stupid, they go back
• 15:20
  down to death, you know, and they're much more likely to
• 15:24
  leave. The house are much more likely
• 15:26
  to schedule their gym time when the kids are awake and kids will
• 15:30
  then go to the dad. Of course they will.
• 15:32
  But if you're in a situation where Your husband is saying
• 15:36
  nothing's ever good enough for you with the childcare and you
• 15:39
  feel like the default parent. It's likely that there's some
• 15:43
  subconscious desire to do this. Maternal gatekeeping, which
• 15:47
  means you keep the gate closing. You only allow, like, certain
• 15:50
  behaviors to like pass muster. You are the one who determines
• 15:54
  when and how Child Care can be done and if it's good enough.
• 15:58
  So you may be doing this because subconsciously for whatever
• 16:01
  reasons maybe you saw a mother who did everything quote unquote
• 16:04
  in the house. Yo.
• 16:05
  Elf, maybe you feel bad about working or about having another
• 16:09
  baby that you pay attention to or whatever.
• 16:12
  You know maybe you are making the child care.
• 16:17
  The there's a lot of barriers to entry you know like what the
• 16:20
  child care and your husband has to get it 100% right but you
• 16:23
  don't even want him to get it 100% right really?
• 16:26
  Because then the child might prefer him and or would prefer
• 16:29
  you guys equally and you secretly like being mommy and
• 16:33
  this totally normal. Totally normal to want to be the
• 16:37
  preferred parent but when you do make it honest is the problem.
• 16:42
  That's when the problem comes, is when there is this
• 16:45
  disingenuous thing where women are like, no I totally want you
• 16:48
  to do exactly half of the childcare all the time but then
• 16:51
  somehow you're you're try, you are genuinely trying and you
• 16:56
  can't seem to ever get it. That's usually because there's
• 16:59
  this maternal gatekeeping going on.
• 17:01
  Sometimes it's because the guy is actually being extremely
• 17:05
  lazy, you know, and he is into doing anything at all.
• 17:08
  And here's how you can tell different, what do other people
• 17:11
  think of your relationship? If they think that your
• 17:14
  husband's really involved adding that the kids gravitate toward
• 17:17
  him and that he's good, he probably is if you have Infinity
• 17:21
  problems with how he does childcare that, maybe a, you
• 17:23
  think. And if other people, if your
• 17:27
  friends after y'all, go to a barbecue with the kids, if
• 17:30
  you're approached by friends, Were like, oh my God, you to my
• 17:33
  husband does nothing either, they were just standing over
• 17:36
  there, you know, drinking beer while we were in the pool all
• 17:39
  day with the kids doing everything.
• 17:40
  Well, guess what? Like that's a reality check.
• 17:42
  Yes. And your husband does less than
• 17:44
  other people. So then you got to think, am I
• 17:47
  the one who says, oh yeah, go over there honey.
• 17:49
  And drink a beer and then resents him.
• 17:52
  Or is it literally that I'm, I'm begging him.
• 17:55
  Hey, can you, can you come to the pool now?
• 17:57
  Can you come to the pool? I want to go drink a beer with
• 17:59
  my friends. Can you come to the pool?
• 18:00
  And he's like, Well, if it's in, that case, you definitely need
• 18:04
  to be in couples counseling. If this is, the first case, you
• 18:06
  need, to be an individual counseling.
• 18:08
  So that's how you can tell the difference.
• 18:09
  So, overall, what is the summary of this?
• 18:12
  There are many reasons. Oh, and one more reason that a
• 18:15
  man may think that a woman always wants too much and is
• 18:20
  nothing's ever good enough and whatever is because he grew up
• 18:23
  like that, he grew up in a house with very disapproving parents
• 18:27
  and he could never please them. And so he is basically
• 18:30
  re-enacting. The same Dynamic with his wife
• 18:32
  and we do that subconsciously by basically doing the same
• 18:37
  activity. So if it's very familiar to you
• 18:40
  that somebody finds your behavior lacking then a you'll
• 18:43
  find somebody disapproving or as I talk about in my podcast you
• 18:47
  either find or create the partner that reminds you of how
• 18:50
  you grew up or you basically do a shit job on things because
• 18:54
  that's familiar to you, to be disapproved of and the idea of
• 18:59
  yourself as somebody who would really Excel and Be approved of
• 19:02
  is so weird. You may say you wanted me to
• 19:05
  feel so uncomfortable that you stay in the comfort zone of kind
• 19:09
  of being a fuck up, that doesn't do much.
• 19:11
  That always has a woman first, your mother and out your wife
• 19:13
  rolling her eyes and basically thinking that you're lazy and
• 19:17
  this is kind of an individual therapy issue.
• 19:20
  So if that's you and you feel like your wife has even probably
• 19:24
  said stuff like that. Like like but like you don't
• 19:28
  even try, you know. Like sometimes women will Be
• 19:31
  like, it isn't me. You don't understand.
• 19:34
  Like I I beg him to do things. I think he does a good job, then
• 19:38
  somehow he always is saying like that, he can't do things that he
• 19:42
  can do, you know? So if your wife is trying to
• 19:45
  even hype you up, so there's some cases where you find
• 19:48
  obviously familiar to you as a woman who disapproves of you.
• 19:51
  So you'll find a woman who's critical of you in every way.
• 19:54
  But sometimes you find a woman who isn't, but then you kind of
• 19:57
  make it the same Dynamic. So if you catch this early
• 20:01
  enough, Then you could stop yourself from sabotaging your
• 20:03
  marriage and you could say, she actually says, I do.
• 20:06
  Good job that stuff and then I'm the one who says, no, I'm a
• 20:09
  fuckup, why am I doing that? I guess it must be because I
• 20:12
  deeply believe I'm a fuckup that would have to do with me stuff
• 20:16
  with my family of origin stuff, not with her.
• 20:19
  She seems to be saying I can do it, you know?
• 20:22
  And I'm the one who's like act acting like or saying that I
• 20:25
  care. So that's another issue as well.
• 20:27
  So the summary here is, there's Myriad reasons that you could be
• 20:30
  getting into this dynamic MC. Some of which have to do with
• 20:32
  you, some of which have to do with your husband, some of which
• 20:35
  have to do all of which have to do with the dynamic, that was
• 20:37
  co-created. So the first step is to think
• 20:40
  about this Dynamic more objectively with all the
• 20:43
  different reasons that I outlined on both sides for why
• 20:47
  this may be going so poorly. And why one or both of you
• 20:51
  frequently. Feels that there there is.
• 20:55
  There are no options when people feel that there are no options
• 20:58
  for ways to make the relationship better.
• 21:00
  Then they get I hopeless and stock and that usually a roads,
• 21:04
  the foundation, the marriage. What I'm trying to do is to give
• 21:07
  you options for ways to say, oh, if we intervene at the level of
• 21:10
  some of these dysfunctional thoughts, or behaviors, or even
• 21:14
  have a different frame, which takes into context are larger
• 21:17
  life experiences, particularly growing up, then we can interact
• 21:22
  differently. We do have hope for the future
• 21:25
  of this marriage. It can transform into something
• 21:27
  more functional and of course what helps with that couples.
• 21:31
  Counseling and what helps with the individual family level
• 21:33
  stuff individual counseling. If you ever need counseling, you
• 21:37
  should reach out. I have a group practice with
• 21:38
  people licensed in many states. So you'll never know if n people
• 21:42
  are reaching out, so that's great.
• 21:44
  And after Glee, I have somebody that can work for you.
• 21:48
  Now can work for you can work with you, for me, they work for
• 21:51
  me with you. All right, so that is a wrap on
• 21:56
  that. Please do, subscribe.
• 21:57
  If you've got anything out of this and I'll talk to everybody
• 21:59
  soon.