Latest / Inside The Consulting Room - Understanding the Child Behind the Behaviour / How One Emotionally Available Parent Can Change Outcomes

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How One Emotionally Available Parent Can Change Outcomes · Inside The Consulting Room - Understanding the Child Behind the Behaviour

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hello and welcome back.
• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: This is Kim Lee, child and adolescent psychotherapist, and this third episode concludes the series concerning children who are caught between opposing parents.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: And its title is What Helps Children When Conflict Can't Be Fixed?
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: So it's about reducing harm, restoring safety, and knowing when to seek help.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: Now some parental conflicts resolve and some don't.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_00: But even when conflict continues, harm to children can still be reduced.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: So today we focus on what helps practically, emotionally, and protectively.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_00: Now children need emotional safety, not perfect circumstances.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: They need emotionally available ones rather than perfect ones.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: Now what helps most is what's called emotional containment, and in a in its simplest form, that means the capacity to tolerate the emotional state of the child.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: Predictability, that you are somebody who tries as much as possible to remain the same and to deal with emotional expressions and outbursts in a soothing way.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: I know that's all very easy to say, but actually, if you get it right five times or maybe six times out of ten, that will help.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: Being able to say to the child, This is something I can manage, or this is something the grown-ups manage, protects the child from feelings of responsibility.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: You may need to say it more than once.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: It also helps if the child feels that they have permission to love both parents, and once again we come back to trying to repair when things go wrong.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: Children should never feel responsible for adult emotions or conflict resolution or choosing sides, carrying messages or protecting a parent.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: One of the most protective messages is this is not your responsibility.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: Go back to the notion of this is for the grown-ups to deal with because they're the big people and you're a small person.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: Try not to say that to a 16-year-old.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: So repair matters more than perfection.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: All parents get things wrong.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: But repairing something simply can be like I was upset earlier, but it's okay, it wasn't your fault, and I'm I'm back now, so let's try again.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: And repair restores emotional safety, and primarily because it's saying, look, what I did wasn't because of you, and I want you to know it's okay now.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: Helpful messages that enable children to feel secure, however bad the situation is, you don't have to choose.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to choose a parent's we both love you, and whatever you're feeling, it's safe with me.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: And no, you're not responsible.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: What is deeply unhelpful, albeit hard to resist sometimes, is criticizing the other parent, emotional unloading, seeking reassurance from the child, and and in some ways using the child to manage adult pain.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't think people intend to do that.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: I think people are so caught up in their own distress that the child can be an unwitting ally.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: Now, children can tolerate disagreement.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: They struggle with emotional unpredictability, but and what helps is consistent routine, calm transitions as much as that's possible, emotional predictability and clear reassurance.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: You know, even one emotionally stable parent can significantly reduce harm.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: Now, sometimes professional help is required.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: Support is protective, it is not punitive, and it doesn't indicate that you're failing.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_00: The very reverse of that is true.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: So consider how when distress persists, emotional shutdown appears, if conflict escalates, or if the child is feeling burdened and you feel unsure how to help, because early support prevents long-term impact.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: Now, a final message.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: I really do understand how difficult these situations are.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: I have seen them many, many times, and quite often I will signpost additional services that are both supportive and where necessary protective, because it is the case that when the oppositional parent is acting out, there may need to be a boundary placed in front of them that protects the children and the parent they're living with.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: I want to remind you that one emotionally available parent can change outcomes.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: And your willingness to notice, engage, and protect makes a profound difference.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: I will be returning in another series to this, looking at it from the point of view of the psychological mechanisms that are activated.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: But I suppose the thing that I'm alerted to is how to help surviving parents to recover from the damage that they've experienced.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: And there are a number of things that I think can help in terms of how we place a boundary, a psychological and emotional boundary, between ourselves and the other.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: That even works when we've got this internal voice that sounds just like the person who damaged us.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: There are ways that we can develop of separating ourselves from that and to remove the emotional hooks that have been placed in you.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: For now, I hope this series has helped and there will be more coming soon.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening.