Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / 302. Loyalty, guilt and a decision she shouldn't have to make: Why does one relationship cost another?

Transcript

302. Loyalty, guilt and a decision she shouldn't have to make: Why does one relationship cost another? · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

• 0:07
  Speaker 1: I need your advice.
• 0:11
  Speaker 2: Are you okay? What happened? Promise it won't be too much.
• 0:16
  Speaker 2: Bring it in.
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: Welcome to our bestie segment. This is the place for you.
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: Hello and welcome back to another episode of our bestie segment.
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: Whether you're here in the morning, evening, afternoon, wherever it
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: is you're plugging in from. Or if you're brand new here,
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: welcome to She Rises. I'm Tiana and this is.
• 0:38
  Speaker 2: Hello, Ashi.
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: And today we're going to dive deep into any kind
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: of conversation or any kind of submission that we have
• 0:45
  Speaker 1: for you. They definitely vary in range and that's what
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: we love about it. We love the variety of these
• 0:49
  Speaker 1: conversations and we also love the depth of these conversations
• 0:53
  Speaker 1: too because you girls are never shy of being vulnerable,
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: being open, having the hard conversations and that's exactly what
• 0:58
  Speaker 1: we're about here at She Rises. So Ashley, what have
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: you got for us on today's submission?
• 1:02
  Speaker 2: All righty. Episode name is loyalty, guilt, and a decision
• 1:05
  Speaker 2: she shouldn't have to make. Why does one relationship have
• 1:07
  Speaker 2: to cost another? Hello, ladies. I absolutely love your podcast
• 1:11
  Speaker 2: and love listening in every single week. My family fell
• 1:14
  Speaker 2: apart around 10 years ago. My parents divorced. My brother
• 1:17
  Speaker 2: had a falling out with my sister and dad. I
• 1:19
  Speaker 2: kept in contact with my brother, dad, and sister, but
• 1:21
  Speaker 2: not my mom as she's very toxic. Around three years ago,
• 1:24
  Speaker 2: my brother and I lost contact due to a miscommunication.
• 1:27
  Speaker 2: Fast forward to recently, my brother has reached out and
• 1:29
  Speaker 2: wanted to reconnect with me and my partner thought this
• 1:32
  Speaker 2: was a good idea as we used to be close
• 1:34
  Speaker 2: and thinks that we should reconnect. Unfortunately, my sister and
• 1:37
  Speaker 2: dad do not see it as a good idea and
• 1:39
  Speaker 2: have decided if we reconnect with my brother, they will
• 1:41
  Speaker 2: take a step back from us. Especially my dad, when
• 1:45
  Speaker 2: we are around him, it's awkward and he doesn't say
• 1:47
  Speaker 2: much in fear. We will tell my brother what he's
• 1:48
  Speaker 2: up to. What are your thoughts? Should we reconnect with
• 1:51
  Speaker 2: my brother or should we just try and keep everyone
• 1:53
  Speaker 2: happy and not? I'm just so sick of being told
• 1:55
  Speaker 2: what I should be doing, regardless if it's relationships, purchasing
• 1:59
  Speaker 2: a car or house or every day to do things
• 2:01
  Speaker 2: with my family. I don't feel like there's enough context here.
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it's hard to even suggest why they're so upset
• 2:09
  Speaker 1: that you would want to rekindle with the brother. To
• 2:10
  Speaker 1: what extreme has the brother done something that has caused
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: them to feel like this? Or is it just that
• 2:15
  Speaker 1: they're feeling territorial and they want you to side with
• 2:18
  Speaker 1: them or, you know, it's hard to say.
• 2:21
  Speaker 2: Without knowing what he's done exactly. Has he murdered someone?
• 2:24
  Speaker 2: Has he stolen the family trust? Has he done something
• 2:27
  Speaker 2: that's like unrepairable? Because in that sense, and I understand
• 2:30
  Speaker 2: why your dad would say no, I don't want his
• 2:32
  Speaker 2: energy around. We talk about this all the time, loyalty. Hey,
• 2:35
  Speaker 2: it's like if someone hurts you and does wrong by
• 2:38
  Speaker 2: you and then your best friend is going to hang
• 2:39
  Speaker 2: out with them, it's like, oh, it doesn't feel good.
• 2:41
  Speaker 2: It doesn't feel good. I've had that situation where someone's
• 2:43
  Speaker 2: done something really awful to me One of my closest
• 2:45
  Speaker 2: friends is like wanting to go hang out with him.
• 2:47
  Speaker 2: I'm like, it doesn't feel good for me. So I
• 2:48
  Speaker 2: can see where your dad might be coming from, but
• 2:50
  Speaker 2: we don't know the context of it. And at the
• 2:53
  Speaker 2: end of the day, it sounds like black and white,
• 2:55
  Speaker 2: but no one could tell you what to do. It's
• 2:57
  Speaker 2: your life to live. And when you go into your gut,
• 2:59
  Speaker 2: your heart and your head, like, what does it tell you?
• 3:01
  Speaker 2: What does it tell you is the right thing for you?
• 3:03
  Speaker 2: And is there a world that exists where you can
• 3:06
  Speaker 2: still be connected to both? Is that possible? I think
• 3:09
  Speaker 2: it could be.
• 3:10
  Speaker 1: Well, you said like, do I rekindle a relationship with
• 3:12
  Speaker 1: my brother or do I keep everybody happy? That to
• 3:15
  Speaker 1: me sounds like you want a relationship with your brother. Yeah.
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: But you're scared to upset everybody. Yes. And that's also okay.
• 3:21
  Speaker 1: Super valid. Family stuff is really hard. Like when you
• 3:23
  Speaker 1: disrupt like that family unit, it's like our biggest sense
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: of safety. No one wants to disrupt that. But also,
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: depending on what the context is, obviously, and that's going
• 3:33
  Speaker 1: to be up to you to decide. But if you
• 3:35
  Speaker 1: want a relationship with your brother and you think that
• 3:37
  Speaker 1: that's important.
• 3:37
  Speaker 2: To you, do that. I think so too.
• 3:39
  Speaker 1: Do that. Because I don't know, the thing that I
• 3:41
  Speaker 1: look at is like, you know, if you get to
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: like your deathbed, like let's go to extremes for a second.
• 3:45
  Speaker 1: If you go to your deathbed and you decide, oh
• 3:48
  Speaker 1: my gosh, I regret not rekindling with my brother because
• 3:50
  Speaker 1: somebody else told me not to, would you be okay
• 3:52
  Speaker 1: with that?
• 3:53
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 3:54
  Speaker 1: Or would that be something that you significantly regret?
• 3:56
  Speaker 2: Also, I think there's a big chance if you don't
• 3:58
  Speaker 2: rekindle with your brother just to make your dad and
• 4:00
  Speaker 2: sister happy. you're going to have resentment towards them. So
• 4:03
  Speaker 2: then there's cracks in your relationship with your dad and
• 4:05
  Speaker 2: your sister. I don't know if this is me. I
• 4:07
  Speaker 2: think I'd be having a serious conversation with my dad
• 4:10
  Speaker 2: and sister and saying like, I understand where you're at.
• 4:12
  Speaker 2: I understand how you're feeling, but you know, in my
• 4:15
  Speaker 2: ideal world, I want to be able to have relationships
• 4:17
  Speaker 2: with both of you. I understand you might not share
• 4:19
  Speaker 2: everything with me, dad, or I want you to know
• 4:21
  Speaker 2: that whatever you share with me doesn't go outside of
• 4:23
  Speaker 2: like my ears. And I want you to know that
• 4:26
  Speaker 2: all the evidence I've given you over the years that
• 4:28
  Speaker 2: I can keep a secret and you can trust me
• 4:30
  Speaker 2: and My relationship with you is our relationship. The relationship
• 4:33
  Speaker 2: I have with my brother is completely separate and we
• 4:36
  Speaker 2: can keep them completely separate if that's what you want.
• 4:38
  Speaker 2: But this is my life. I don't want to get
• 4:40
  Speaker 2: to my deathbed and regret not having a relationship with
• 4:42
  Speaker 2: my brother. I don't know what he's going through. Maybe
• 4:44
  Speaker 2: he really needs me. Mental health is a real thing.
• 4:46
  Speaker 2: I want to be able to show up for him.
• 4:48
  Speaker 2: And also, I don't want to feel like I have
• 4:49
  Speaker 2: to choose between you and him. I don't think that's
• 4:51
  Speaker 2: fair as a parent to put that on me. Yeah.
• 4:54
  Speaker 2: Can you meet me here?
• 4:55
  Speaker 1: I think that's great. I think everything you said is
• 4:57
  Speaker 1: so beautiful. And I can't imagine, like, I really want
• 5:00
  Speaker 1: to know the context because I can't imagine a parent
• 5:03
  Speaker 1: giving a child an ultimatum to choose sides between the
• 5:05
  Speaker 1: parent and the sibling.
• 5:06
  Speaker 2: Something big has got to have happened, hey?
• 5:07
  Speaker 1: It has to be. It has to be because why
• 5:09
  Speaker 1: would they go to that extreme of saying, like, I
• 5:11
  Speaker 1: don't want you to have a relationship with them?
• 5:13
  Speaker 2: Because maybe he's dangerous. I'm not saying he is, but
• 5:16
  Speaker 2: I'm just thinking of a story of someone I know
• 5:18
  Speaker 2: and one of the brothers was addicted to drugs and
• 5:20
  Speaker 2: used to come into the house and, like, break things
• 5:22
  Speaker 2: and it was dangerous. Yeah. They put a boundary and
• 5:24
  Speaker 2: it wasn't allowed in any of the family homes anymore,
• 5:26
  Speaker 2: but one of the brothers still wanted a relationship. They're like, well,
• 5:29
  Speaker 2: he's not coming anywhere near us because there's kids here
• 5:31
  Speaker 2: and he's done so much damage and he's a liability
• 5:33
  Speaker 2: and the police have been involved, so he was a
• 5:36
  Speaker 2: dangerous man.
• 5:36
  Speaker 1: Context.
• 5:37
  Speaker 2: You can understand why they would do that. For sure.
• 5:40
  Speaker 2: The dad's saying, like, I can't risk him being around
• 5:42
  Speaker 2: us anymore because of what he did. Yeah. We just
• 5:44
  Speaker 2: don't know enough context.
• 5:46
  Speaker 1: And context is important as well for the level of
• 5:48
  Speaker 1: loyalty as well.
• 5:49
  Speaker 2: Yes.
• 5:49
  Speaker 1: Like, is it like, did they do something to hurt
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: the dad? Exactly. Is there a valid reason to be like, actually, no,
• 5:55
  Speaker 1: you did the wrong thing and you need to be
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: accountable for your actions?
• 5:57
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 5:58
  Speaker 1: And like actually know based on what you did, like
• 6:00
  Speaker 1: I'm loyal to this person.
• 6:01
  Speaker 2: Yes.
• 6:02
  Speaker 1: You know, or is it like your loyalty to the bride?
• 6:04
  Speaker 1: Like it's just, it's tough. It's a tough situation to
• 6:06
  Speaker 1: be in.
• 6:07
  Speaker 2: And is there a chance for a family intervention where
• 6:08
  Speaker 2: you all get like an outside mediator and counselor to
• 6:11
  Speaker 2: help like talk things through? Is that an option? I
• 6:13
  Speaker 2: don't know either. So.
• 6:15
  Speaker 1: Family stuff is hard. Yeah. Family stuff is hard. I
• 6:18
  Speaker 1: wish we could give you more support in this because yeah,
• 6:21
  Speaker 1: not having as much context kind of sways like how
• 6:23
  Speaker 1: we would. It does. you know, give advice in this situation.
• 6:25
  Speaker 1: And if we were sitting across from each other, we'd
• 6:27
  Speaker 1: be like, tell me all the details. Give me every second,
• 6:31
  Speaker 1: every little thing that I need to know about what's happened.
• 6:33
  Speaker 1: And then we can go from there. Yeah.
• 6:35
  Speaker 2: But otherwise I go back to what I said. I
• 6:36
  Speaker 2: would have that conversation with my dad and sister and
• 6:38
  Speaker 2: really express where I'm at and just hope that they
• 6:41
  Speaker 2: hear me and understand and like accept and don't punish
• 6:44
  Speaker 2: you for wanting to have a relationship with him if
• 6:46
  Speaker 2: that's what you're wanting. It's tough though.
• 6:48
  Speaker 1: It is your decision at the end of the day.
• 6:50
  Speaker 1: And you know what? Not everybody's going to be happy
• 6:51
  Speaker 1: with what you choose. No. No.
• 6:53
  Speaker 2: And also family doesn't mean, you know, that blood's thicker
• 6:55
  Speaker 2: than water. I don't really believe that. I think you
• 6:57
  Speaker 2: can choose your family as well. Yeah. Like if someone's
• 6:59
  Speaker 2: really done wrong by you and your family or they're
• 7:01
  Speaker 2: dangerous or they're stolen or they're broken, you know, all
• 7:03
  Speaker 2: the trust in the world, then sometimes that stuff is
• 7:06
  Speaker 2: not repairable.
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 7:07
  Speaker 2: But once again, we don't know the context. So this
• 7:09
  Speaker 2: is definitely something you'll have to figure out. But I
• 7:10
  Speaker 2: would have that conversation. If you're really wanting the relationship
• 7:12
  Speaker 2: with your brother, I would be having the conversation with
• 7:14
  Speaker 2: your dad and sister.
• 7:15
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 7:16
  Speaker 2: And being really clear and strong on what you want.
• 7:18
  Speaker 1: Yeah. If you could remove everyone's opinion from the situation–
• 7:23
  Speaker 1: What do you want to do? Yeah. Like, what does
• 7:25
  Speaker 1: your heart tell you that you want to do that
• 7:27
  Speaker 1: is right for you? If you could just remove everybody's opinions,
• 7:30
  Speaker 1: all the consequences of your choices, what would you really want?
• 7:34
  Speaker 2: And then also, I don't know. I'd love to know
• 7:35
  Speaker 2: your opinion on this. Is there a world where, say,
• 7:38
  Speaker 2: she repairs with her brother and doesn't tell the dad
• 7:40
  Speaker 2: and sister? You don't necessarily owe them to tell them
• 7:43
  Speaker 2: every detail about your life, who you're hanging out with,
• 7:45
  Speaker 2: at what time. Maybe to protect both your relationships because
• 7:49
  Speaker 2: they're important to you. Is this one of those moments
• 7:51
  Speaker 2: where it's like I'm choosing to have a relationship with
• 7:53
  Speaker 2: my brother and it's actually none of anyone's business who
• 7:55
  Speaker 2: I decide to have a relationship with?
• 7:56
  Speaker 1: Yeah, like my relationship doesn't matter to you and vice versa.
• 7:59
  Speaker 2: Yeah, we're not going to discuss it.
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 8:01
  Speaker 2: My decisions are not up for negotiation.
• 8:03
  Speaker 1: I just wonder if she would feel in that dynamic
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: that she feels like she's hiding something.
• 8:06
  Speaker 2: She would.
• 8:07
  Speaker 1: And then she feels like if she ever slipped up
• 8:09
  Speaker 1: and then it created a bigger problem.
• 8:11
  Speaker 2: I definitely think it's a risk, but that's, I suppose,
• 8:13
  Speaker 2: the way up of options. I don't know. Depends how
• 8:16
  Speaker 2: close you are with your dad, but if you were
• 8:18
  Speaker 2: at risk losing those two relationships over it, I think
• 8:20
  Speaker 2: maybe it could be a good option. Yeah.
• 8:23
  Speaker 1: I think for me personally, I feel like I would
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: get really anxious in that situation. I would feel like
• 8:27
  Speaker 1: I'm doing the wrong thing by both people. So I
• 8:29
  Speaker 1: think that that would put me in a situation where
• 8:31
  Speaker 1: I would feel bad. And then again, if it really
• 8:33
  Speaker 1: is such a big deal to the dad, then that
• 8:36
  Speaker 1: would feel like a really big level of betrayal, you know,
• 8:39
  Speaker 1: and then that could create even bigger problems.
• 8:41
  Speaker 2: But then you're betraying yourself because you're not actually honoring
• 8:43
  Speaker 2: what you need and want.
• 8:44
  Speaker 1: Well, then it's like, just honoring what it is that
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: you want and need and then dealing.
• 8:48
  Speaker 2: With those relationships I think that's where she's stuck is
• 8:51
  Speaker 2: like if I do this I'm going to lose those
• 8:52
  Speaker 2: two and I don't want to lose those two so
• 8:54
  Speaker 2: she's like how do I have my cake and eat
• 8:56
  Speaker 2: it too I know.
• 8:56
  Speaker 1: I think that's just like the natural consequence of choosing
• 8:58
  Speaker 1: what you want though it's like anytime we set a
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: boundary or do something it's like the consequence of that
• 9:03
  Speaker 1: is the repercussions of what we've chosen yeah but it's
• 9:06
  Speaker 1: like knowing that you're honoring yourself in that moment Doesn't
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: make it easy. No. Doesn't make it easy, especially not
• 9:11
  Speaker 1: with family.
• 9:11
  Speaker 2: Because it's honoring herself. Does that mean then, yeah, she
• 9:13
  Speaker 2: loses her dad that she loves so much? Imagine you
• 9:15
  Speaker 2: not having, imagine you having to choose between Nick and
• 9:18
  Speaker 2: your dad.
• 9:19
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 9:19
  Speaker 2: There's no way you could choose.
• 9:21
  Speaker 1: I would get so upset at them for even assuming
• 9:23
  Speaker 1: that would make me choose. Yeah. I think I would
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: get angry. I think I would get angry.
• 9:27
  Speaker 2: That's how she's feeling though. Yeah. And now she has
• 9:29
  Speaker 2: to choose.
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: Oh, and if that were me with Nick and dad, no,
• 9:31
  Speaker 1: I wouldn't choose.
• 9:32
  Speaker 2: But then your dad says, well, I'm not having a
• 9:34
  Speaker 2: relationship with you then. And your dad's gone.
• 9:36
  Speaker 1: I just think that's immature. Like I think if that's
• 9:38
  Speaker 1: what you're going to do.
• 9:39
  Speaker 2: So would you say see your dad then?
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: If he's going to behave like a child, then yeah.
• 9:43
  Speaker 1: I wouldn't choose. But like, I think in that situation,
• 9:45
  Speaker 1: like I would be obviously devastated, but like, I don't
• 9:47
  Speaker 1: think anybody has the right to tell me what I
• 9:49
  Speaker 1: can and can't do. And obviously the circumstances are important
• 9:52
  Speaker 1: as well.
• 9:52
  Speaker 2: Yeah. And they don't have the right to tell this girl,
• 9:54
  Speaker 2: but that's what they're saying. So she has to choose.
• 9:56
  Speaker 2: Do I choose my dad and sister or do I
• 9:58
  Speaker 2: choose my brother or do I keep it separate? And
• 10:00
  Speaker 2: just like, I don't know anyone an explanation. I'm gonna
• 10:02
  Speaker 2: have relationships with both they don't need to know about each.
• 10:04
  Speaker 1: Other I just think relationships with both and like you
• 10:07
  Speaker 1: tell people what you're choosing whether they like that or
• 10:10
  Speaker 1: not is their problem not yours and doesn't matter who
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: it is like.
• 10:13
  Speaker 2: Tricky I just feel for her at the thought of
• 10:15
  Speaker 2: losing her dad and.
• 10:16
  Speaker 1: Sister yeah it's tough yeah valid 100% yeah but I
• 10:19
  Speaker 1: just think if we go through our life making everybody
• 10:22
  Speaker 1: else happy we're gonna live a very miserable life.
• 10:24
  Speaker 2: Definitely which might be keeping both.
• 10:26
  Speaker 1: I'm not saying not.
• 10:28
  Speaker 2: Devil's advocate, hey.
• 10:29
  Speaker 1: No, I'm not saying not. I just think like I
• 10:31
  Speaker 1: think it would make her anxious.
• 10:32
  Speaker 2: Depends on who she is, hey.
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 10:34
  Speaker 2: She might not be an anxious person, but yeah. I
• 10:36
  Speaker 2: don't know. There's options for you there anyway. You need
• 10:38
  Speaker 2: to ponder on. Would love an update. I don't know
• 10:41
  Speaker 2: what I'd do. I think I'd just open up that
• 10:44
  Speaker 2: conversation to start, like I said before.
• 10:46
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 10:46
  Speaker 2: But I don't think I would let anyone dictate who
• 10:48
  Speaker 2: I can and can't be, like have relationships with.
• 10:50
  Speaker 1: That's all I'm saying.
• 10:51
  Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah. But tricky. Yeah.
• 10:53
  Speaker 1: Good luck, lovely.
• 10:54
  Speaker 2: Good luck. Send us an update. Definitely. We'll see you soon. Bye.