Latest / Mom Gone Mild / Truth About Motherhood (Anxiety, Identity & Mom Life)

Transcript

Truth About Motherhood (Anxiety, Identity & Mom Life) · Mom Gone Mild

• 0:11
  Hey guys, I hope you had an amazing week.
• 0:14
  If you're new here, welcome. Welcome.
• 0:17
  It's been pretty good over here I guess.
• 0:21
  Except of course, my anxiety is back.
• 0:25
  Done, done, done. Which means insomnia is back.
• 0:28
  Yay. So I literally have no idea what
• 0:33
  day it is, what time it is, or what the hell is even going on.
• 0:37
  But you know what? We're here, We're surviving.
• 0:40
  And honestly, that's enough for this week.
• 0:45
  Because listen, every week is not going to be perfect.
• 0:48
  We're not always going to have it all together.
• 0:51
  I rarely have it all together, to be honest.
• 0:53
  But we're showing up and that has to count for something,
• 0:57
  right? OK, wait.
• 0:59
  So quick little life updates. We are officially 9 days away
• 1:05
  from finishing 75 Hard Guys. It was hard.
• 1:11
  Which is actually insane because I almost quit on day eight.
• 1:15
  I was exhausted. I still am.
• 1:17
  But like, I can't even believe I'm about to finish this.
• 1:21
  That's definitely going to be its own episode because I have
• 1:24
  so much to say. But anyways, of course, because
• 1:28
  I can never just do one thing at a time, I also started a new
• 1:32
  challenge, which is I'm doing 30 days of jump roping.
• 1:38
  Yeah, I know. I haven't jumped rope since I
• 1:41
  was a little girl. And honestly, I feel like it's
• 1:43
  kind of given me that extra push I needed with cardio, like it's
• 1:47
  pushing my body in a completely different way.
• 1:49
  And I just want to say this because I think a lot of us need
• 1:54
  to hear it. I need to hear it all the time.
• 1:57
  This is a weight loss journey. It is a journey.
• 2:01
  We took years to gain the weight.
• 2:03
  Some of us, it's going to take time to lose it.
• 2:09
  And I have to like keep reminding myself that because I
• 2:11
  just want it now and now and now.
• 2:12
  But anyways, what's really changed for me is this.
• 2:16
  I'm actually enjoying the process now.
• 2:20
  I don't work out because I hate my body.
• 2:23
  I work out because honestly, it's a privilege that I even get
• 2:26
  to move and just do what I want. And that mindset shift,
• 2:31
  literally, it's changed everything.
• 2:34
  It's changed my whole life. And all right, OK guys, so I
• 2:40
  love genuinely, I love having guests.
• 2:44
  I really do. But I really love when it's just
• 2:46
  you and me. And I feel like talking to my
• 2:49
  besties, you know, I'm just sending you guys a voice message
• 2:52
  like you're in the car with me or cleaning or hiding in the
• 2:55
  bathroom for a second for just some damn peace, which is what I
• 2:59
  do. And you know, it's just you and
• 3:01
  me. And I've been trying to figure
• 3:04
  out why my anxiety is creeping back in.
• 3:07
  And I think it's because I've always been a working girl,
• 3:13
  always doing something, always making my own money.
• 3:16
  And now it's been probably over 10 months of not working.
• 3:21
  And I'm not going to lie, I am a very expensive lady.
• 3:26
  I love Amazon, I love all that stuff.
• 3:29
  So now I'm like, OK, what are we doing for extra money?
• 3:35
  And do not say only fans feet Finder.
• 3:38
  My husband will kill me. But yeah, I'm just kidding.
• 3:42
  But at the same time, this week I fell into this whole rabbit
• 3:44
  hole just watching videos about things happening at daycares.
• 3:48
  And now I'm like, yeah, no, I want him to stay with me at
• 3:53
  least until he goes to school, which I'm pretty sure.
• 3:57
  I don't know. It's just it's so scary.
• 4:00
  Like, what is actually going on in this world right now?
• 4:03
  Why does it just feel like we always have to be on high alert
• 4:08
  at literally all times? And honestly, I just feel like
• 4:13
  this is something that people don't really warn you about,
• 4:16
  that worrying about my son was literally going to be such a
• 4:19
  huge part of motherhood affected the sleepless nights, the
• 4:24
  diapers, the exhaustion. But this just, it just, it's
• 4:29
  constant worrying and no one talks about this enough.
• 4:33
  I'm just so I'm, I don't know, I'm just not scared for me
• 4:37
  anymore. I'm scared for him.
• 4:40
  And honestly, I'm just talking about humanity.
• 4:42
  It's just I'm scared for this generation.
• 4:47
  We live in a scary ass world guys.
• 4:52
  And some things just feel so freaking unfair.
• 4:56
  OK like like I said I fell into this rabbit hole and I just have
• 5:00
  friends who want a baby so bad and then I go online and I see
• 5:03
  the craziest things that some of these people do with their kids.
• 5:07
  It's honestly just disgusting, disturbing and it just breaks
• 5:11
  me. I literally cried last night.
• 5:13
  I cried all weekend also I was on my period but still it's just
• 5:17
  I couldn't sleep and I don't know.
• 5:20
  I know it's not something I usually talk about but this is
• 5:25
  it. Becoming a mom has literally
• 5:27
  changed something in me. So deeply sorry and just, no one
• 5:34
  tells you how deeply you're going to feel everything.
• 5:37
  I, I don't know if it's like hormones, but I crave for
• 5:41
  everything now. And I just, I love my son so
• 5:43
  much and I just want to protect him.
• 5:46
  But I also have to remind myself I can't control everything.
• 5:49
  I can't protect him from this and from the world.
• 5:52
  You know, it's just like it's something that's, I don't know,
• 5:54
  just you got to teach him, right?
• 5:56
  But I can love him. I can raise him the right way, I
• 6:00
  can be his safe space. And maybe that's just the most
• 6:04
  powerful thing a mom can do. And I feel like this is such a
• 6:09
  big part of motherhood that no one really talks about the
• 6:12
  anxiety, the overthinking, the pressure to do literally
• 6:16
  everything right while also trying to figure out who you
• 6:19
  even are anymore. So today it's Mother's Day this
• 6:24
  week. I just want to have a real
• 6:26
  conversation. You know, real raw me, you I
• 6:31
  don't know, it's just like a lot going on in my mind, but became
• 6:34
  a mom. I just I thought I knew what
• 6:37
  tired was. As you can tell I'm exhausted.
• 6:40
  I thought I knew what busy was. I have no time for anything.
• 6:44
  I thought I knew what sacrifice was and just to be honest, I had
• 6:50
  no idea. Motherhood didn't just change my
• 6:52
  life, it changed me entirely. Deeply.
• 6:57
  Guys, I love my son more than anything, but this is the
• 7:02
  hardest thing I've ever done. Talk about just being a stay at
• 7:06
  home mom for a second because what is this job?
• 7:11
  I've had many jobs since I was 16, and I'm not even kidding.
• 7:15
  This is a full time job. Actually, no, this is 3 jobs in
• 7:21
  one. Because I cook, clean, take care
• 7:23
  of a human. I also take care of my husband.
• 7:25
  It's just emotionally, physically, mentally, I'm
• 7:28
  drained. There's no breaks.
• 7:30
  I can't clock out. No, like, yeah, I'll save that
• 7:33
  tomorrow or whatever. Every time I wash the dishes,
• 7:36
  there's more. Like how my dishes are literally
• 7:41
  always dirty. I don't know.
• 7:43
  It's just like, I clean the house.
• 7:44
  It's messy again. And then when you finally sit
• 7:47
  down, it's just like, all right, well, I'm hungry again, let me
• 7:50
  go dirty. Some more dishes.
• 7:52
  People think staying home is easier.
• 7:53
  I know I did. I'm going to be honest.
• 7:55
  Tell me just when I get to clock out because your girl is tired
• 8:01
  and you're lucky if you even honestly get to go to the
• 8:04
  bathroom alone. Privacy.
• 8:06
  What is that? Never heard of it.
• 8:09
  And yeah, I mean I'm saying this as someone who used to be a
• 8:14
  workaholic, always busy, always doing something, always moving
• 8:18
  and this this is this just has to be the hardest job I've ever
• 8:24
  done. Hands freaking down.
• 8:26
  Being a stay at home mom should literally come with like 120K
• 8:30
  salary at the least. And I want to say this because
• 8:35
  it's, you know, my mom was a working mom and one day when
• 8:40
  Axel's a little bigger, I will go back to work and I will also
• 8:44
  be a working mom. Right now I'm literally just so
• 8:48
  blessed that there's like no rush.
• 8:50
  I, I know I'm one of the lucky ones, but working moms, you guys
• 8:56
  are freaking amazing. You're working all day, you're
• 8:59
  tired, you come home and you still have to be a mom, You
• 9:03
  still have to be a wife, you still have to clean, you have to
• 9:05
  cook, don't even get the whole day with your baby.
• 9:08
  That's literally a different kind of sacrifice.
• 9:11
  Honestly, staying home is hard, Working is hard.
• 9:15
  It's just hard being a mother. There's absolutely no easy
• 9:20
  version of motherhood. Just, I guess, different kinds
• 9:25
  of sacrifices. And I really had to learn
• 9:30
  something, letting go of the idea of being a perfect mom.
• 9:35
  Because in the beginning, I don't know who I thought I was.
• 9:39
  I thought I had to do everything right.
• 9:41
  I had to make the perfect meals. I had to, you know, have a
• 9:44
  perfect routine, no screen time, which was a joke, a clean house,
• 9:49
  which was also a joke. And just, I just want to keep my
• 9:52
  baby happy 24/7. And let me just say this.
• 9:55
  I swear I would never, ever, ever do screen time.
• 9:59
  Like not at all. And now, yeah, Miss Rachel is
• 10:04
  basically part of my family. And I know that sounds silly,
• 10:08
  but because sometimes you just need to cook, you need to clean.
• 10:12
  Sometimes you need 5 minutes to just breathe, work out, do
• 10:16
  something and it makes Rachel is helping keep my baby alive and
• 10:20
  happy. Well thank you Queen, thank you,
• 10:24
  thank you, thank you because I need you.
• 10:26
  Motherhood really taught me never say never because those
• 10:30
  perfect mom roles you make before having kids, real life
• 10:35
  humbles you real quick. So if your mom doing what you
• 10:40
  have to do to get through the day, you are seen, you are
• 10:43
  heard, you are not failing girl, you're thriving, you're doing an
• 10:47
  amazing job. Moms do not get enough
• 10:51
  recognition. We are superheroes even on the
• 10:54
  days we feel like we're barely holding it together, which is me
• 10:57
  today. I've already had like 3 cups of
• 10:59
  coffee so I'm probably like, but now, you know, if my baby is
• 11:04
  fed, love safe, I'm doing a good job.
• 11:10
  Actually, we're doing amazing. And sometimes good enough is
• 11:15
  enough. You don't have to be this
• 11:17
  perfect mom. Something that no one really
• 11:20
  prepares you for is just how much you actually change.
• 11:24
  Yes, you're raising a baby, but you're also just becoming a
• 11:29
  completely new version of yourself.
• 11:31
  Or to a new version of me. I'm still getting to know her.
• 11:36
  And let's be real, sometimes it's a lot.
• 11:40
  The noises, the touching, the constant crying.
• 11:43
  My baby is clingy as hell, guys. The mess, the mental load that
• 11:48
  it just takes on you. And sometimes you just feel so
• 11:52
  freaking overwhelmed, overstimulated, like your brain
• 11:55
  is full, your body is just, like, out of touch.
• 11:59
  I don't know. You just need a second.
• 12:01
  I hope I'm not the only person feeling like this.
• 12:03
  But yeah. And then guilt comes in.
• 12:07
  You feel guilty for even feeling this way because you're not a
• 12:10
  bad mom. You're human who hasn't had a
• 12:12
  second to breathe. I've had so many moments where I
• 12:17
  feel guilty because I need space.
• 12:20
  Just wanting alone time for not enjoying every second.
• 12:25
  But I've learned something. Two things can be true at the
• 12:30
  same time. I can absolutely love, adore my
• 12:33
  son more than anything in the world and still admit this is
• 12:38
  hard. Motherhood is hard.
• 12:40
  And that's OK guys. It is you're you're learning
• 12:44
  too. But if I could talk to the woman
• 12:47
  I was before I became a mom, I would say you think you know
• 12:52
  love, but you just don't yet. You think you know strength, but
• 12:57
  you will find out you have this whole new level.
• 13:01
  You're going to lose parts of yourself, and that's OK, but
• 13:06
  you're also going to find yourself.
• 13:08
  You just a new you you're stronger, softer, patient
• 13:14
  because patient you need it more powerful and honestly just more
• 13:19
  fulfilled than you ever imagined.
• 13:22
  So yeah, you know before I go I asked you guys a couple of
• 13:27
  questions on Instagram. So what is like the one thing
• 13:32
  that kind of like changed you or no one warned you about and you
• 13:35
  guys, the answers, they actually hit because some of them made me
• 13:39
  really think, you know, like, I don't know, one of them was
• 13:43
  like, you lose yourself for a while.
• 13:47
  And yeah, I mean, we've talked about this so many times because
• 13:51
  no one says that part out loud and just that you're just
• 13:56
  raising a baby. You're trying to find yourself
• 13:59
  again at the same time. And it's it can be a lot.
• 14:05
  Someone also said, you know, you're not prepared for having
• 14:10
  an empty nest. I don't know how that feels
• 14:13
  because my baby is only nine months, but I cannot even think
• 14:17
  about him. Like just growing up and just
• 14:20
  like right now, he needs me for everything.
• 14:22
  And one day he just won't. I don't know.
• 14:26
  I'm not even sure how I'm going to prepare for that because I'm
• 14:29
  already crying about his first birthday.
• 14:30
  But yeah, another person said dealing with a child's first
• 14:35
  heartbreak. Oh, hell no.
• 14:37
  I don't know. I don't know.
• 14:38
  I don't know. I don't know.
• 14:39
  I don't know how I'm going to feel like that because he is my
• 14:42
  baby. He's going to be, he's my only
• 14:44
  baby. So I don't know.
• 14:46
  I mean, I can handle my own pain, but watching my baby going
• 14:51
  through that, I don't know how I even react.
• 14:53
  But, you know, it's just a different kind of pain.
• 14:55
  And obviously they're going to get through it and you just help
• 14:57
  them. But yeah, another thing that
• 15:02
  someone talked about was menopause.
• 15:04
  And honestly, I love that one because it just proves that
• 15:08
  motherhood doesn't stop. It just evolves.
• 15:11
  There's literally a new season, a new version of you, just a new
• 15:16
  challenge. And obviously menopause is, you
• 15:19
  know, for every woman, and they're going to all go through
• 15:22
  it. So we're all in this together.
• 15:24
  And just reading all of these just reminded me, I don't know,
• 15:30
  we're all going through something.
• 15:31
  Different stages, different struggles, but the same kind of
• 15:36
  love. And maybe that's why motherhood
• 15:38
  feels so heavy sometimes, because it's not just one thing,
• 15:43
  it's literally everything all at once.
• 15:45
  And This is why I just, I don't know, I love connecting with you
• 15:49
  guys. This is why I ask you guys like
• 15:51
  to follow me and yeah, so I'm going to ask you guys again.
• 15:54
  Follow me on Instagram at mom gone mild under score podcast
• 15:58
  over there. Guys.
• 15:59
  I love asking questions. We do polls, we do giveaways, I
• 16:03
  do contests. You know, I do my update on 75
• 16:07
  hard and I just love hearing from you guys because it just
• 16:10
  makes me feel like I'm not talking to just my phone.
• 16:14
  I'm talking to you guys. And so I love you guys.
• 16:17
  So before I go, I just want to say one thing.
• 16:21
  Happy Mother's Day to all the moms and that includes stepmoms,
• 16:27
  adoptive moms, foster moms, single moms, working moms, stay
• 16:31
  at home moms, grandmas, great grandmas, expecting moms, moms
• 16:37
  who have suffered a loss, moms who are just simply freaking
• 16:42
  trying, healing, waiting, and just surviving.
• 16:45
  And anyone, honestly, that shows up with mother's love because we
• 16:49
  love that too. You are all loved, appreciated,
• 16:54
  and honestly, you're freaking irreplaceable.
• 16:57
  Motherhood looks different for everyone, but the love, the
• 17:00
  strength, the sacrifice, that's something we all share.
• 17:05
  So today we celebrate you. Gosh, this Mother's Day, it's so
• 17:10
  different. Like thank you guys for even
• 17:13
  showing up. I love you guys.
• 17:15
  So once again, make sure you follow us on Instagram, my mom
• 17:19
  gone mild under score podcast and for this video, if you guys
• 17:22
  can follow, share, like comment, it just means a lot to me and
• 17:27
  subscribe. So bye, you guys have a great
• 17:31
  week. I absolutely love you guys and
• 17:33
  thank you, thank you, thank you for your time.