Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #1008 - Family Dinner Deep Dive

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#1008 - Family Dinner Deep Dive · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the.
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  Speaker 2: Time poor parent who just wants answers.
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  Speaker 1: Now. Hello, this is doctor Justin Courson here with my
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  Speaker 1: wife from Undo, our six kids, missus Happy Families, Kylie. Hey,
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  Speaker 1: you got a question for you, Kylie?
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  Speaker 2: Uh huh?
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  Speaker 1: What do you think Australia's favorite meal is?
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  Speaker 2: Well? Going on? The meals are favorites in our house.
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  Speaker 2: It would have to be spaghetti, Bolinna's lasagna and raps.
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  Speaker 1: Okay, so I need to just highlight today's segment is
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  Speaker 1: not technically sponsored, but the number one meal in Australia
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  Speaker 1: according to san Remo, who I did do some promotional
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  Speaker 1: work for a little while ago. It's spaghetti bolonnaise and
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  Speaker 1: we did not set that ups, really just went there.
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  Speaker 1: It's the only thing we can be guaranteed that our
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  Speaker 1: kids will leave. I'm really impressed. So today a conversation
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  Speaker 1: about the importance of what was once considered the norm
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  Speaker 1: and today well not so much family dinners.
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  Speaker 2: So for as long as you have been doing Happy Families,
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  Speaker 2: we have had lots and lots of conversations about the
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  Speaker 2: struggle to have family dinners in other people's homes. It
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  Speaker 2: has just been a given in in our home that
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  Speaker 2: every night, regardless of what's going on, we would sit
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  Speaker 2: down to eat dinner together. Yeah, in the last handful
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  Speaker 2: of years, we are struggling to be all in the
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  Speaker 2: same room at the same time, and often the kids
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  Speaker 2: are eating because Mum and dad are doing things and
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  Speaker 2: or else we're eating really late at night as a family.
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  Speaker 2: Like it's just never before have we had the challenges
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  Speaker 2: that we're having.
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  Speaker 1: And it was much easier when the kids were younger.
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  Speaker 1: Just the kids have gotten older, it's gotten really really tricky.
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  Speaker 2: Extracurriculars, they're working, they've got activities, socialization. All of a sudden,
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  Speaker 2: there's two people at the dinner table instead of all
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  Speaker 2: five of us.
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  Speaker 1: Also, recently, you've picked up a little bit of fitness stuff,
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  Speaker 1: so you're out one night a week for that. You're
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  Speaker 1: out one night running a youth night at church, you're
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  Speaker 1: out on a Tuesday night with art Plass. You're the
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  Speaker 1: one who is ruining our family dinners. Of course there's
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  Speaker 1: me traveling, but this is this incessantly.
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  Speaker 2: This is a problem for so many families.
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  Speaker 1: I feel like this is going to be a podcast
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  Speaker 1: that is a therapy session for you tonight. We're supposed
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  Speaker 1: to be helping other people have their family dinners, and
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  Speaker 1: we're just really, how many nights a week do you
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  Speaker 1: reckon we eat together as a family when I'm home,
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  Speaker 1: because obviously when I'm away we can't do it. Legitimate question,
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  Speaker 1: I would say, hello, folks, this is a moment of
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  Speaker 1: real transparency here.
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  Speaker 2: Two or three.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, So most Sunday nights, Yeah, most Saturday nights, and
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  Speaker 1: if we're lucky, we get one week night. It's chaos.
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  Speaker 2: It's really really tricky.
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  Speaker 1: And I feel so guilty about it because I'm really
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  Speaker 1: big on saying we need to eat dinner together as
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  Speaker 1: a family.
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  Speaker 2: It's probably the one thing as our families changed, It's
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  Speaker 2: the one thing that I really miss the most. There
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  Speaker 2: was just one meal a day together.
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  Speaker 1: So I did some promotional work. I mentioned this before
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  Speaker 1: for san Remo just a little while back. The Pastor
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  Speaker 1: company and I dug up some of their stats based
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  Speaker 1: on some Aussie market research that they did, and I
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  Speaker 1: think it's fascinating. So give me your reactions. And by
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  Speaker 1: the way, I'm going to say san Remo a couple
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  Speaker 1: more times, okay, but I'm not doing it for any
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  Speaker 1: reason except that's where it came from. I'm not trying
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  Speaker 1: to be cheeky, but san Remo found that almost a
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  Speaker 1: quarter of their Australian audience found that deciding what to
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  Speaker 1: cook was the biggest barrier to eating with others. I
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  Speaker 1: can't figure it out. And if I was to say,
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  Speaker 1: what's the question that you dread more than any other
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  Speaker 1: question on a regular basis in our home, it would be.
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  Speaker 2: What's for dinner, mum?
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  Speaker 1: Yeah? And it's always what's for dinner, mum? No one,
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  Speaker 1: No one ever comes to me and says, hey, Dad,
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  Speaker 1: what's for dinner.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah. But I don't see that as being a barrier
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  Speaker 2: to not being able to eat together.
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  Speaker 1: Except that we end up just sort of fixing stuff ourselves.
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  Speaker 1: And we made a big deal. We were really excited.
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  Speaker 1: We used to have family with so much. And then
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  Speaker 1: we started the yo yo night where we just say,
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  Speaker 1: all right, kids, one night a week or one night
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  Speaker 1: a fortnight, you're on your own, yo yo, you're on
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  Speaker 1: your own because Mum and dad want to go and
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  Speaker 1: have a date night or something like that. And what
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  Speaker 1: has happened over time is that it's just so hard
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  Speaker 1: to figure out what tweet the kids we've got a
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  Speaker 1: couple of really really well, we've got a gluten free,
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  Speaker 1: dairy free kid. We've got a kid who's just not
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  Speaker 1: into eating what everybody else is eating, because that's how
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  Speaker 1: she seems to be at the moment, only it's yellow
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  Speaker 1: and white food. Trying to decide what to cook makes
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  Speaker 1: it so hard to just get together for dinner. Here's
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  Speaker 1: another thing that CANRIMA found over a fifth, so about
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  Speaker 1: the same amount. Just over twenty percent of Ossie's between
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  Speaker 1: forty five and fifty four say that different food preferences
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  Speaker 1: are the top barrier eating with others on a daily basis.
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  Speaker 1: I guess that ties in with what I was just saying,
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  Speaker 1: and unfortunately we're in that demographic. Now here's another one.
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  Speaker 1: Forty one percent of OSSIE say that the removal of
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  Speaker 1: phones during meal times would make them look forward to
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  Speaker 1: a meal with others.
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  Speaker 2: So that's one thing that I'm really grateful for in
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  Speaker 2: our home.
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  Speaker 1: It's really pushed it, Hud.
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  Speaker 2: It's not a conversation pee, because we just know that
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  Speaker 2: there's no phones at the dinner table.
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  Speaker 1: But we started that early, from the very beginning of
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  Speaker 1: phones being in our lives, we've always said no screens,
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  Speaker 1: no phones, no TV. Even before there were phones about to.
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  Speaker 2: Say, even when the phone was on the wall, we
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  Speaker 2: kind of had a rule that we just didn't answer
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  Speaker 2: the phone during dinner time.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, and I really like this one. Sixty four percent
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  Speaker 1: of Aussies believe that shared meal times strengthen their relationships.
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  Speaker 2: Because our shared dinner time is so limited at this
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  Speaker 2: point in our lives, Sunday night is by far our
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  Speaker 2: most treasured treasured time together. And I just love the
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  Speaker 2: conversations that we're able to have when we're all together,
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  Speaker 2: that gratitude circle where we just are able to spend
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  Speaker 2: time reflecting on the goodness in our lives. And I've
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  Speaker 2: watched as we've continued to do this, how sometimes when
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  Speaker 2: other people are in our space and we invite them
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  Speaker 2: into it, they're really kind of taken back by it, Yes,
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  Speaker 2: because it feels so vulnerable to be able to share.
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  Speaker 2: But it's something that we've just honed in on with
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  Speaker 2: the kids, and I love the joy that we get
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  Speaker 2: to collectively share as we reflect on the goodness.
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  Speaker 1: It's become a genuine ritual of connection.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah.
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  Speaker 1: And if I can summarize what the San Remo Market
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  Speaker 1: Research showed that. I want to move on to some
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  Speaker 1: other research. They said, and I quote, Australians have never
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  Speaker 1: been more disconnected with the distractions of the modern world,
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  Speaker 1: and this is having an impact on the traditional Australian
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  Speaker 1: family meal time. And based on our conversations, based on
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  Speaker 1: what other parents tell me, based on our own experience,
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  Speaker 1: I think their market research is right. So that's all
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  Speaker 1: I wanted to say about the San Remo thing. But
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  Speaker 1: I think that we do need to talk about family meals.
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  Speaker 2: I'm assuming there's got to be a lot of research
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  Speaker 2: which suggests that having family meals together is just such
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  Speaker 2: an important part of family life.
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  Speaker 1: So the big study over the last few decades has
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  Speaker 1: come out of Columbia University, but we've got Australian research
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  Speaker 1: as well that pretty much supports what all the biggest
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  Speaker 1: research shows, and that is essentially, families who eat together
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  Speaker 1: frequently are more likely to have better diets, better family functioning,
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  Speaker 1: and kids with higher self esteem. They do better at school,
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  Speaker 1: they sleep better, they have better social experiences, they're more resilient.
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  Speaker 1: It's like it's a really big deal and it all
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  Speaker 1: seems to be tied into having this family meal.
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  Speaker 2: It feels like a lot of pressure though for families
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  Speaker 2: when you just feel.
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  Speaker 1: Like pressure for you and I because our current record
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  Speaker 1: is nuts and not looking very good.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, well we're talking about this, but I'm looking at
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  Speaker 2: what's going on in our in our families, and even
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  Speaker 2: just the acknowledgment that because there's so many moving parts now,
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  Speaker 2: we're more likely to get take out than sit down
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  Speaker 2: as a family and have a home cooked meal.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, that goes the better diet, right.
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  Speaker 2: So some researchers at Flinders UNI and QUT have put
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  Speaker 2: together five super solutions to help create the connection you
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  Speaker 2: need and I love what they're saying. Let's go through them.
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  Speaker 1: Justin Okay, so this comes from a conversation article. We
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  Speaker 1: will link to it in the show notes. Five ideas. First,
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  Speaker 1: doesn't have to be dinner, and I think this is
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  Speaker 1: really important. I mean, it's great if you can all
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  Speaker 1: sit around and have the spaghetti bonetes, that's fantastic. But
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  Speaker 1: based on what we've described, sometimes you just grab a
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  Speaker 1: chance to beat together and have a snack, maybe on
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  Speaker 1: the way home from school, maybe grab a hot chocolate
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  Speaker 1: on the way to school. It's about having the meaningful
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  Speaker 1: moments where you get to talk and share food. Right,
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  Speaker 1: It's about having a ritual of connection.
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  Speaker 2: Number two. It doesn't need to be perfect.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, So, I mean, we made a big deal about
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  Speaker 1: some of that Sandrimi research that highlighted that digital distractions
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  Speaker 1: can get in the way of the ritual of connection.
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  Speaker 1: But some of our most fun nights have been sitting
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  Speaker 1: in front of the TV as a family, watching a
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  Speaker 1: movie and eating some pizza, or eating some pasta, or
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  Speaker 1: eating some whatever. It's really about the effort that you
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  Speaker 1: put into being together, whether you're eating on a picnic
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  Speaker 1: blanket in the backyard or at a nearby headland or
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  Speaker 1: park or a park bench or I don't really think
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  Speaker 1: that it matters what you're doing, just so long as
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  Speaker 1: you're spending that time together and you're intentionally being together.
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  Speaker 1: Try to make it perfect often puts too much pressure
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  Speaker 1: on as we've kind of alluded to earlier in the conversation,
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  Speaker 1: and that's not helping.
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  Speaker 2: Number three is a great one because it just reminds
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  Speaker 2: us how important it is for our conversations to flow naturally.
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  Speaker 2: As soon as we start forcing an agenda on our kids,
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  Speaker 2: we've actually missed our opportunity.
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  Speaker 1: Every now and again, there's been some disgruntled children in
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  Speaker 1: our family. I wonder if you've do you know anyone
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  Speaker 1: who's ever been gruntled rather than disgruntled. I just put
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  Speaker 1: it out there gruntled. No one ever talks about being gruntled.
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  Speaker 1: People are only ever disgruntled. But when our kids been disgruntled,
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  Speaker 1: and I thought that was so funny. You didn't even
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  Speaker 1: smile at me. I thought that was such a good one.
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  Speaker 1: Flame blame, lame the conversation. When the kids don't want
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  Speaker 1: to do grateful things and you try to force it,
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  Speaker 1: I mean, it's just it's horrible, horrible.
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  Speaker 2: Well you you don't get any depth.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, they just cursory answer the questions because they have
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  Speaker 1: to every now and again. They even make it mute.
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  Speaker 1: So just don't force the conversation. I think that's great
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  Speaker 1: advice Number four.
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  Speaker 2: You don't have to do it alone.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, Involvement is the keyword here, So getting the kids cooking,
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  Speaker 1: getting the kids involvement in designing who's going to have
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  Speaker 1: what meal or what we're having on Monday or Tuesday
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  Speaker 1: or Wednesday. Maybe it's Monday night, Mexican or no meat
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  Speaker 1: Mondays or Mediterranean Mondays. Taco Tuesdays has always been a
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  Speaker 1: favorite kind of thing. The idea is you don't have
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  Speaker 1: to do alone. We always had an Italian night as
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  Speaker 1: well when we used to do menus like that, and
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  Speaker 1: the kids involvement, they're kids cleaning up with you, lots
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  Speaker 1: of loud music. We've shared on the podcast before how
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  Speaker 1: much our kids are really happy to be involved when
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  Speaker 1: you're making it fun, and that means doing it together.
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  Speaker 2: It's not so much a meal, but as part of
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  Speaker 2: our dinner ritual, we do at ten minute tidy together
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  Speaker 2: and that time together is probably just as important as
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  Speaker 2: the conversations we have around the dinner table because we
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  Speaker 2: try to create this sense of fun being together. There's
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  Speaker 2: lots of laughter, there's lots of music that there's energy, yeah,
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  Speaker 2: and the kids love it absolutely.
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  Speaker 1: And the last one is that there is no magic number.
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  Speaker 1: There's no number of meals. It's the right number for
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  Speaker 1: your family. It's all about just being intentional about it
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  Speaker 1: and letting everyone know that you have that intention, that
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  Speaker 1: that's what you're working towards as much as you possibly can.
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  Speaker 2: And I guess that's what I love about our Sunday dinners.
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  Speaker 2: It's just a given we all come home for Sunday
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  Speaker 2: and I just love it.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, So does it matter that you have family dinner? Well,
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  Speaker 1: yeah it does. Does this reduce the pressure hopefully a lot,
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  Speaker 1: because it's one of those things where you can always
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  Speaker 1: do better. The main thing, The main thing is that
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  Speaker 1: you're doing the best you can with what you've got
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  Speaker 1: and looking for ways that you can intentionally build on that.
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  Speaker 1: We hope that you've really enjoyed the conversation and can
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  Speaker 1: make family dinner a priority, maybe even tonight, although I
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  Speaker 1: think that you've got some stuff on tonight, so for
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  Speaker 1: us a couple of nights. The Happy Family's podcast is
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  Speaker 1: produced by Justin Rowland from Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is
• 12:04
  Speaker 1: our executive producer. For more information about making your family happier,
• 12:08
  Speaker 1: visitors at happy families dot com dot you