Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #1095 - Exams: Less Stress More Success

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#1095 - Exams: Less Stress More Success · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

0:04
Speaker 1: It's their Happy Families podcast.
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Speaker 2: It's the podcast for the time poor parent who just
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Speaker 2: once answers now.
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Speaker 1: Okay, Kylie. Term four of twenty twenty four, crunch time
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Speaker 1: for a whole lot of people. In fact, there's something
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Speaker 1: about end of school year, the pressure, the exams, the
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Speaker 1: report cards coming out. We really do take schooling seriously,
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Speaker 1: and for good reason. I'm in school does matter, and
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Speaker 1: yet one of the things that I'm consistently doing is
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Speaker 1: railing against us taking school too seriously. I have a
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Speaker 1: question for you as it pertains to end of year exams. Okay,
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Speaker 1: In fact, it's not just end of year exams. There
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Speaker 1: is one variable that researchers have found is positively associated
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Speaker 1: with doing very well on exams. It's also associated with
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Speaker 1: doing a well from a physical health point of view.
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Speaker 1: People who possess this, or define or develop this attribute
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Speaker 1: this characteristic have much higher love of physical health. They
1:02
Speaker 1: are much less likely to experience any substance use or
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Speaker 1: substance dependence. Their socio economic status tends to go up.
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Speaker 1: They are more financially planful, they have higher income, They're
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Speaker 1: less likely to have a criminal conviction. Just one thing,
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Speaker 1: and I know that I'm putting you on the spot here.
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Speaker 1: We haven't been over this. You don't know what the
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Speaker 1: answer is, but I wanted to see if you had
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Speaker 1: any idea what it could be if there was one
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Speaker 1: attribute that someone had that was I mean, when you
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Speaker 1: think about it, it's a performance enhancing drug, really, isn't
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Speaker 1: it that can give you all of these brilliant positive
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Speaker 1: outcomes in life, makes you more resilient. What would it be?
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Speaker 2: Is it hope or.
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Speaker 1: I really like it? I hope people do tend to
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Speaker 1: be physically healthier, but the strength of the association between
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Speaker 1: things like income and socio economic status and even exam
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Speaker 1: outcomes isn't quite as strong. It's not hope. It's actually
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Speaker 1: two words. The first word is self. The second word
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Speaker 1: starts with C self control. Oh, oh my goodness, you've
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Speaker 1: got it.
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Speaker 2: Self control?
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Speaker 1: Self control? Self control? Is this, like I said, it's
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Speaker 1: like this performance enhancing drug. And if you want your
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Speaker 1: children to thrive in life, then they need to see
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Speaker 1: self control and action. They need to become appropriately self controlled. Now,
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Speaker 1: you can always have too much of a good thing.
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Speaker 1: Somebody who is overly self controlled, overly disciplined, can sometimes
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Speaker 1: drive themselves into the ground. They give themselves a migraine
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Speaker 1: every time they think about the next thing that they
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Speaker 1: have to control. But self control is profoundly impactful when
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Speaker 1: it comes to positive life outcomes, resilience, wellbeing, and staying
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Speaker 1: away from the bad stuff in life while accumulating and
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Speaker 1: moving in the direction of all the good stuff.
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Speaker 2: So we're talking marshmallow test here.
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Speaker 1: Oh yeah, here we are. For those of you who
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Speaker 1: are not familiar with the marshmallow test. Walter Michelle was
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Speaker 1: a famous psychologist who decades and decades ago, sat kids
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Speaker 1: in front of marshmallow and said, hey, you can have
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Speaker 1: the marshmallow now, or if you can wait until I
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Speaker 1: come back and don't touch that, I'll give you two.
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Speaker 1: And what Michelle's research showed is that there was a
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Speaker 1: relationship between those who ate the marshmallow straight away versus
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Speaker 1: those who didn't and their successes in life the way
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Speaker 1: their life played out. Now, there's been a whole lot
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Speaker 1: more research that complicates the picture quite a lot. It's
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Speaker 1: not like your life's success is in the marshmallow that
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Speaker 1: you chose to eat or not eat when you were
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Speaker 1: four years old. But that's the whole idea. Yeah, today's
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Speaker 1: conversation is about how our children can develop self control. Well, yeah,
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Speaker 1: develop self control and do well when it comes to
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Speaker 1: their end of year exams. That's where we're going now.
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Speaker 1: I do need to preface where we're headed by emphasizing
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Speaker 1: the following. No matter how much we say that exams
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Speaker 1: aren't that big of a deal and we don't need
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Speaker 1: to worry that much about it, the overwhelming majority of
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Speaker 1: parents do, Kylie. I do this thing in my Resilient
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Speaker 1: seminar where I say to parents, put up your hand,
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Speaker 1: if you were doing today what you thought you'd do
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Speaker 1: when you finish high school? Would you say yes to that?
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Speaker 1: By the way, what would you say, Are you doing
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Speaker 1: today what you thought you'd be doing when you finished
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Speaker 1: tigh school?
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Speaker 2: No way?
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Speaker 1: Earning money as a podcaster? What did you think you
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Speaker 1: would do when you finished high school? I don't know
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Speaker 1: if I've ever asked you it.
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Speaker 2: Honestly, I thought I was going to be a mum.
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Speaker 2: I thought i'd get married and have children.
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Speaker 1: And oh, so you kind of, I mean, you mostly are.
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Speaker 1: It's just that you're a lot busier you thought you'd be.
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Speaker 1: There's a few extra correct rerectivities going on as well.
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Speaker 1: When I asked that question. In seminars, around about ten
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Speaker 1: percent of parents put up the hand. Ninety percent of
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Speaker 1: parents are doing something different to what they thought they'd
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Speaker 1: be doing. A lot of people get their degree if
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Speaker 1: they go to UNI, and then they go and do
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Speaker 1: something else. A lot of people will go and get
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Speaker 1: their trade and then they go and do something else.
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Speaker 1: It's almost like we have no idea what we're planning
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Speaker 1: on doing. When we're teenagers, we think we might have
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Speaker 1: some idea, and then as we experience life we discover
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Speaker 1: it was so wrong. So, I mean, my number one
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Speaker 1: piece of advice for kids, especially year twelve kids who
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Speaker 1: are about to do their year twelve exams in the
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Speaker 1: next month or so. In fact, it's even less than
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Speaker 1: that it's next week or so, is take the pressure off.
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Speaker 1: It's not that big of a deal and you are
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Speaker 1: not your atar. But because there are a lot of
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Speaker 1: people thinking about this and worrying about it, I thought
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Speaker 1: that today would be a good conversation around exam success,
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Speaker 1: strategies for exam success. How did you go with exams?
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Speaker 1: Did you have exam success in high school?
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Speaker 2: Oh? Bottomed out every time. Let's there was homemac hands on.
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Speaker 1: I was going to ask you what your strategies are
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Speaker 1: for exam success. I don't know if I should now, you.
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Speaker 2: Know, it's interesting you talk about the fact that it's
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Speaker 2: the parents who often stress out about exams so much,
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Speaker 2: in spite of the fact that we have made it really,
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Speaker 2: really clear in our home that exams, you know, are
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Speaker 2: not the be all of your education.
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Speaker 1: Sure, I mean, we let the kids know that we'd
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Speaker 1: like them to do well, but this is not what
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Speaker 1: life is about.
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Speaker 2: Our seventeen year old has just gone through year eleven
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Speaker 2: exams and has made yourself almost sick with anxiety over
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Speaker 2: doing well. It's just it's such a challenge and no
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Speaker 2: matter what we do as parents, our children are going
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Speaker 2: to feel things.
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Speaker 1: It seems so funny to me, though, because I talked
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Speaker 1: to so many parents who are like I just want
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Speaker 1: them to do well. I just want them to do well,
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Speaker 1: and they won't. There's no motivation, they won't have a go.
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Speaker 1: And then there's parents like you and I, and we're
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Speaker 1: not the only ones who are like you know what, kids,
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Speaker 1: we believe in you, we trust in you, and we
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Speaker 1: know that you do the best that you can. And
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Speaker 1: the kids are going but I'm stressing out it's almost
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Speaker 1: like you get exactly the opposite of what you're looking
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Speaker 1: for here. Wish our kids were a bit more like, yeah,
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Speaker 1: we're fine. Oh we did have one. We did have
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Speaker 1: one who was like, yeah, well we fine. Having said that, Kylie,
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Speaker 1: we're up to number four child, like our fourth daughter
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Speaker 1: is going into year twelve. Now, when you think about
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Speaker 1: the things that we've seen, go well, what would what
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Speaker 1: would your top three bits of advice be for parents
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Speaker 1: when it comes to guiding their kids through exam stress
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Speaker 1: for exam success.
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Speaker 2: Well, my top tip take your daughter for a massage, right,
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Speaker 2: And I know you're laughing at me, I am very much.
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Speaker 2: I think it's so important for us to teach our
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Speaker 2: kids self care. And when Annie was having an absolute meltdown,
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Speaker 2: she didn't know if she was gonna like, literally, she's
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Speaker 2: hyper ventilating in the car. She was so stressed out
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Speaker 2: about everything that was coming up. And I just said
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Speaker 2: to her, Annie, you've got one more week to get through.
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Speaker 2: Once we get through it, let's book you in for
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Speaker 2: a massage. And you should have just seen the weight
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Speaker 2: on her shoulders left right when she just knew that
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Speaker 2: there was a light at the end of the tunnel
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Speaker 2: something to look forward to.
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Speaker 1: Sure, Okay, well I'll accept it. It's not what I
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Speaker 1: was expecting, but I'll accept it.
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Speaker 2: Number two, light in the load. If they've got significant
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Speaker 2: responsibilities in the house with siblings or you know, just
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Speaker 2: kind of doing chores around the house, just lighten up
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Speaker 2: a little bit. They don't get a free ride, but
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Speaker 2: when things are really really stressful and there's lots going
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Speaker 2: on for them as far as exams and assessments, due
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Speaker 2: just lighting things up a little bit.
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Speaker 1: In fairness, if we flick this around and have look
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Speaker 1: at how we are as adults when the pressure is
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Speaker 1: on us, Like there are some times where we're really peaking,
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Speaker 1: we're really under pressure, and what do we normally do
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Speaker 1: We get takeout or we say to the family, I
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Speaker 1: just need you to take some pressure off me for
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Speaker 1: the next couple of days. I've got a lot on
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Speaker 1: and then I'll be back and I'll make things work out.
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Speaker 1: Like we do that as adults, well, at least we
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Speaker 1: should if we're not. It's great if we can. The
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Speaker 1: kids need that same benefit.
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Speaker 2: And my number three tip, yeah, where possible help them
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Speaker 2: to have a sense of balance in their lives. Sometimes
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Speaker 2: when we get so worked up and so stressed out,
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Speaker 2: our vision becomes very narrow and all we can see
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Speaker 2: is what's right in front of us. And I think
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Speaker 2: it's really important for us to help our kids to
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Speaker 2: recognize that while yes, you've got this exam coming up
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Speaker 2: in two days time, you can't spend the next forty
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Speaker 2: eight hours doing maths. It's just it's not it's not
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Speaker 2: good for anyone. You can't. You can't cram and cram
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Speaker 2: and cram and cram and expect that you're going to
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Speaker 2: remember it all. You actually need to take a breath,
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Speaker 2: You need to go out, you need to walk, You
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Speaker 2: need to feel the sun on your skin, you need
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Speaker 2: to hear the birds saying you need to feel the wind.
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Speaker 2: The whole lot like you, just help them to find balance.
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Speaker 2: Spend time with some friends, even if it's just an
9:11
Speaker 2: hour to go out and have an ice cream. Just
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Speaker 2: try and find a little bit of time to kind
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Speaker 2: of just break the monotony of study. Up.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, I was going to talk about balance as well.
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Speaker 1: I think what you've said there is really wise. In
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Speaker 1: just a second, I'm going to share I've got five
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Speaker 1: ideas well. I actually had one more.
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Speaker 2: I know, I only said three.
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Speaker 1: Yeah I did.
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Speaker 2: But I think one of the things that made really
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Speaker 2: big difference to Annie as she was stressing out about
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Speaker 2: things was finding a tutor.
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Speaker 1: Oh yeah, if you've got a child.
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Speaker 2: And a particular subject, there's a stress point there. Finding someone,
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Speaker 2: whether it's a paid tutor or a family friend or
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Speaker 2: a peer who can just help them work through it
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Speaker 2: a little bit. Maybe it's even a teacher, makes such
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Speaker 2: a difference to just lightening the load for them and
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Speaker 2: helping them to feel competent in that particular area.
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Speaker 1: Okay, so we've heard Kylie's top four tips for reducing
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Speaker 1: exam stress and guiding kids to exam success. I've got
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Speaker 1: five and I'm going to go through them in record time.
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Speaker 1: I'll do it really fast. Do you tell me four? Well,
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Speaker 1: I know, but I thought of another one. I just
10:21
Speaker 1: want to emphasize, really, really emphatically. We do make too
10:25
Speaker 1: much of a big deal about this. Do exams matter? Yeah,
10:27
Speaker 1: of course they do. Discore results matter absolutely. Is there
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Speaker 1: a relationship between how much self control you have and
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Speaker 1: how will you do completely? And is there a relationship
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Speaker 1: between school outcomes and like Q and success in life?
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Speaker 2: Yeah?
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Speaker 1: There is so all of these things are related. They
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Speaker 1: do matter, But what matters most of all is what
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Speaker 1: we're doing in our home and how we're encouraging our
10:49
Speaker 1: children to find ways to learn and grow and develop.
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Speaker 1: And I mean, if you listen to this podcast, chances
10:55
Speaker 1: are the kids probably going to be okay.
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Speaker 2: Right.
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Speaker 1: Our children have an innate design to grow and learn.
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Speaker 1: If we just trust in that, it can makes such
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Speaker 1: a difference. There's this great study by Landry and colleagues
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Speaker 1: who look at this thing called organismic trust, and they
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Speaker 1: just find the parents who trust in their children innate
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Speaker 1: growth tendencies tend to have kids who really do grow
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Speaker 1: and thrive and do really well.
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Speaker 2: Yesterday, Chanell sent me a video of Indiana Sky, our
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Speaker 2: one year old granddaughter. She's learning to walk at the moment,
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Speaker 2: and as she kind of stood up, she'd take a
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Speaker 2: few steps, she'd stumble, she'd fall over, she'd stick a
11:33
Speaker 2: bum up in the air, and she'd get back up again.
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Speaker 2: She did this for about five minutes. She thought it
11:37
Speaker 2: was hilarious time. She's so much fun. And yet somewhere
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Speaker 2: along the line, as we enter into adolescence and then
11:45
Speaker 2: into early adulthood, we forget the joy in learning. And
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Speaker 2: growing and trying. Here's a kid who has failed every
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Speaker 2: three steps, but we don't call it failure at one.
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Speaker 2: And yet when we fail a teenager and then as
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Speaker 2: an adult, we see it as the worst possible thing
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Speaker 2: in the world. It's a wonderful opportunity to use as
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Speaker 2: a stepping stone to move forward in our lives.
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Speaker 1: And I could watch that video or ok, here I
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Speaker 1: five things in rapid fire. Number one. Practice three is
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Speaker 1: conversation with your teenager as they go into year eleven
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Speaker 1: or year twelve, or as they prepare for the exams.
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Speaker 1: Just sit down and say, hey, let me explore with you.
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Speaker 1: What is it that you most want here, Like, what's
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Speaker 1: most important to you. I'm not going to drive this bus.
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Speaker 1: I'm going to let go of the wild. You're going
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Speaker 1: to take the wild. You're going to drive this where
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Speaker 1: do you want to take it? What's important to you.
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Speaker 1: Once you've explored and listen really carefully, the next thing
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Speaker 1: to do is explain. So if they've got really low aspirations,
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Speaker 1: you might explain how if they can put in a
12:40
Speaker 1: bit more effort, they're probably going to have better outcomes,
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Speaker 1: which means that they've have more options in life. If
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Speaker 1: they're pushing too hard, you might explain gently that you're
12:47
Speaker 1: really worried about them burning out and you want to
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Speaker 1: make sure that they're well being, in balance taken care of.
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Speaker 1: But usually the explained section here will be pretty brief. Essentially,
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Speaker 1: what you're going to do in your explain is say,
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Speaker 1: how am here to support you? Love where you're headed,
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Speaker 1: really grateful for your drive and your ambition and the
13:01
Speaker 1: desires that you've got. And then the last thing that
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Speaker 1: you do is empower them. And you empower them by saying, hey,
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Speaker 1: what do you need to get there? How can we
13:08
Speaker 1: support you? What is it that's going to make the
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Speaker 1: biggest difference for you? So that's number one.
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Speaker 2: That's number one.
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Speaker 1: You mock my wisdom, You're so funny. Number two is
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Speaker 1: time management. I think the time management, especially if you're
13:23
Speaker 1: raising and you're advergent child, this is just so tricky.
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Speaker 1: And by sitting down and saying, hey, let's have a
13:29
Speaker 1: look at me. When I was in high school, I
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Speaker 1: used to spend much more time Kylie putting together my
13:34
Speaker 1: schedule for study than I ever spent studying. I was
13:39
Speaker 1: really good at planning my time management, but I was
13:41
Speaker 1: not very good at managing the time.
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Speaker 2: You saw the pretty colored pens.
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Speaker 1: And the margin and all that again. Anyway, so working
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Speaker 1: on them with time management, and again this comes down
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Speaker 1: to that empowered conversation, how can I support you? What
13:52
Speaker 1: is it that you need? Do you want to hand
13:54
Speaker 1: in your phone, your laptop? What can we do there?
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Speaker 1: Third thing, which is moving into something really practical, is
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Speaker 1: teaching kids some decent breathing techniques, some anxiety reduction techniques.
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Speaker 1: Because there's that thing you show up for the exam,
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Speaker 1: everyone's saying, did you study that thing that was on
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Speaker 1: page fourteen? Did you re memorize that definition? And all
14:11
Speaker 1: of a sudden your brain starts to explode. You just think,
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Speaker 1: oh my goodness, I haven't done any of this. I
14:16
Speaker 1: know nothing about what I'm supposed to be doing. You
14:18
Speaker 1: step in high emotions, low intelligence. It's hard to access
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Speaker 1: the information that you need, and it's really really just
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Speaker 1: hard to succeed at school. And so as a genuine
14:27
Speaker 1: exam success strategy, I tell the kids don't talk to
14:31
Speaker 1: anyone before the exam. But secondly, just sit down and
14:33
Speaker 1: take a few deep breaths and relax yourself and have
14:37
Speaker 1: that mindfulness moment. My big one though number four most
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Speaker 1: important of all sleep. Kids just need enough sleep.
14:46
Speaker 2: I need enough sleep.
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Speaker 1: We all need enough sleep. We're better, our brains work better,
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Speaker 1: things better if they get enough sleep. Work with them
14:54
Speaker 1: on that. It's a really big one. And last, but
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Speaker 1: not least, I called self control a performance enhancing drug.
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Speaker 1: I think we need to model self control and encourage
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Speaker 1: kids to practice self control. It will make all the difference.
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Speaker 1: It's what's going to help them to be mindful. It's
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Speaker 1: going to help them be balanced, it's going to help
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Speaker 1: them use their time well, it's going to help them
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Speaker 1: to keep it together when they sit down in the
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Speaker 1: exam room. I feel like self control is really at
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Speaker 1: the core of all of this. So they're my top five.
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Speaker 1: I did that really fast. Don't you proud of me?
15:18
Speaker 1: I am actually okay. Good luck for everyone who's got
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Speaker 1: exams coming up, especially for our year twelve students. Sometime
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Speaker 1: in the next week or so. In fact, I've got
15:25
Speaker 1: the dates right here. Exams New South Wales start next Tuesday,
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Speaker 1: October fifteenth, Queensland October the twenty first, so about a
15:33
Speaker 1: week later the following Monday, and then just over a
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Speaker 1: week after that we've got Victoria on the twenty ninth
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Speaker 1: of October. Pretty much everyone in the country is going
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Speaker 1: to be doing exams over the next couple of weeks
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Speaker 1: for year twelve. It's big time of the year. Good
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Speaker 1: luck parents, good luck kids. And we hope that these
15:49
Speaker 1: ideas have been useful and helpful as you start to
15:53
Speaker 1: encounter everything associated with the year twelve exam season. The
15:56
Speaker 1: Happy Families podcast is produced by Justin Rulan from Bridge Meeting.
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Speaker 1: More information about making your family happier is available at
16:02
Speaker 1: happy families dot com dot au.