Latest / Chatting with Cara - The Relationship with Food Podcast / The real reason why you can’t stop at one

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The real reason why you can’t stop at one · Chatting with Cara - The Relationship with Food Podcast

• 0:00
  Hello, welcome to Chatting with Carver.
• 0:02
  I'm Carver, your compassionate life coach, relationship with
• 0:05
  food specialist, and I'm here to help you understand yourself a
• 0:09
  little bit better each week. However you found your way here
• 0:13
  today, I'm glad you're listening.
• 0:14
  Maybe your friend sent you this episode, maybe you've been with
• 0:17
  me from the start, or maybe you're just curious about doing
• 0:20
  things differently when it comes to food, your body, and how you
• 0:24
  feel about yourself. Whatever brought you here,
• 0:27
  you're in the right place. Here's what I do on the show.
• 0:29
  I've honest, kind conversations about the stuff that's actually
• 0:33
  holding you back. Not the surface, several stuff,
• 0:36
  the deep stuff, the root causes. Because when you truly
• 0:40
  understand why you think and feel the way you do, then
• 0:44
  everything starts to change. It doesn't feel hard anymore, it
• 0:47
  just feels natural. So get comfortable, make
• 0:50
  yourself a group, and let's have a proper chat about the things
• 0:53
  that matter. This is Chatting with Gava.
• 0:57
  Welcome to today's episode of Chatting with Carla.
• 1:00
  You are going to be seen. You are going to be heard today.
• 1:06
  I have got a great episode for you.
• 1:09
  And when I say I know you do this, I know you do this.
• 1:17
  We are talking about when you are stood in the kitchen after
• 1:23
  you've had your tea, after the kids have gone to bed, when it's
• 1:25
  all a bit quieter and you reach for that quote UN quote healthy
• 1:31
  little treat. You know, the one, the skinny
• 1:35
  bars, the 80 calories, the under 100 calories treat.
• 1:43
  So you have one, but it doesn't just end up one, does it?
• 1:48
  No, you have two because they're only 18 calories and then you
• 1:52
  end up having three. And then you're like, Oh my God,
• 1:55
  I've overeaten again. And then you start and get
• 1:58
  annoyed with yourself. You're frustrated that you can't
• 2:00
  just have one. And it's a cycle, isn't it?
• 2:06
  I see you, I see you. You're not doing anything wrong.
• 2:11
  I'm not here to tell you you are doing anything wrong.
• 2:13
  But I completely understand how you got there and I'm going to
• 2:18
  explain why you got there, how you got there and how to change
• 2:22
  it. Because I know you are smart.
• 2:25
  I know you're self aware. I know you are completely
• 2:28
  exhausted from fighting with food, from the thinking with
• 2:32
  about food all the time. You know what you should be
• 2:34
  doing. You've read blogs, you've read
• 2:37
  mine. You're literally listening to my
• 2:39
  podcast. You've done any of the apps.
• 2:41
  You're like, I'll start again on Monday, but you still feel like
• 2:45
  you're not getting anywhere. That's you.
• 2:48
  You're not broken. You're not lazy.
• 2:50
  You don't have a willpower problem.
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  You have a diet culture problem, and I'm here to unpick it Yes.
• 3:00
  And that's what we're going to do today.
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  So you're in the kitchen, right? You you're tired, you're
• 3:05
  stressed, you're like running on empty.
• 3:08
  You want something St. sweet, sweet.
• 3:13
  You deserve it. So you open the snack drawer,
• 3:17
  you see the low calorie treats that you bought at the weekend
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  because you're going to be good on Monday, the 80 calories each
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  practically guilt free. So you have one, but one doesn't
• 3:29
  even touch the sides, doesn't touch the sides both emotionally
• 3:32
  and physically. So you have another one and
• 3:35
  you're like right, OK, so that's 160.
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  So if I have another one, I'm still going to be under 250.
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  So then you play in all like the mental maths, you're like,
• 3:44
  right, I'll go for it. And then by the time of it, by
• 3:47
  the entire end of it, you've had like 3.
• 3:49
  And then you're thinking, oh, I didn't need all those three.
• 3:51
  And then you'd think, oh, you know what?
• 3:57
  I have no self-control. I just need to start again on
• 3:59
  Monday. I won't buy them again because I
• 4:02
  I do that. I know what she'll be doing.
• 4:04
  I just can't stick to it. I eat when I'm stressed and then
• 4:06
  I feel really guilty afterwards. Yeah.
• 4:11
  No control means actually you haven't been given the tools you
• 4:16
  need to control your emotions. And the I'll start Monday quote
• 4:20
  actually means you're trapped in a cycle that you don't know how
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  to break. It's not about the food.
• 4:26
  It's not about the treats. It never was.
• 4:30
  So let's dig in to why it's not about the quote UN quote treats.
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  I am coming on to this later on, by the way, the language, if
• 4:39
  anyone's a regular listening, thinking carbon never calls it
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  treats. I know I don't.
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  I'm doing it on purpose, so 80 calories.
• 4:49
  I'm just going to use the skinny.
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  What are they called skinny? I can't remember what they
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  called this, like skinny bars. That's what they're called
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  literary diet culture, but they're marked as like my 80
• 5:06
  calories. So that marketing isn't just
• 5:10
  information for you. It's not just information for
• 5:13
  your brain to progress process. Can't get my words there today,
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  which for podcast isn't great. Is it 80 calories labeled on
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  there under 100 calories or whatever it is.
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  It's not just information, it's permission slip.
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  It has been marketed as guilt free.
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  Your brain files it under safe. It files it under allowed and
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  your brain almost like files it as like an ambitious choice like
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  like, oh, actually I'm I'm good because I'm I'm having like the
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  quote UN quote healthy low calorie diet thing.
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  So it gives you licence to have more.
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  It's almost like you've done the good thing.
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  So you've earned a reward. You've had the low calorie
• 5:59
  version, so you might as well have two as a reward because the
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  second one feels fine. Like you, like you deserved it
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  even. But then you go into three
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  because that's under 250 calories.
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  But what you're doing here is diet culture, maths, and that is
• 6:17
  keeping you disconnected from what your body is actually
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  telling you. You're not listening to your
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  intuition. And that is what I want to get
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  you back to, to listening to your body, not looking at what's
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  on a packet. 2 very different things, two very different
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  things. And when we have something like
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  that, it's like the low calorie diet equation, like this diet,
• 6:47
  it's less than because the richness isn't quite there.
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  The texture might be like slightly off, the sensory sort
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  of isn't quite there. You might be getting like 60% of
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  it, but you're not getting the full blown like, oh, this is
• 7:07
  fantastic. So you have another one to try
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  and get that satisfaction almost.
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  And it's not that you lack willpower, it's just that
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  actually that hit that you wanted hasn't really hit the
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  spot, especially if you are like emotionally eater.
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  So you eat with your stress too overwhelmed.
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  Your your nervous system is already running quite high.
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  So you're going to need something that really calms you
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  down, that really does something to that nervous system.
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  So then you end up chasing like more and more.
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  And that's when you you're in that loop where you're like,
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  I'll have one more, I'll have one more, I'll have one more.
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  And then you get the guilt, then you get the shame and you're
• 7:52
  like, well, I start again. And then it's not your body
• 7:55
  that's broken, it's not your willpower that needs fixing.
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  It's just the food is not doing the job of calming down your
• 8:03
  nervous system. And it won't do because it's not
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  the job of food to do that. I know.
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  Now, how do we stop this? So the first thing we do is we
• 8:16
  look at your language around food.
• 8:19
  So food is given morality so good, bad, naughty, nice treat,
• 8:25
  sweet treat, like that sort of stuff.
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  And when you're choosing, when you're in the supermarket and
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  you're choosing like the 80 calorie version, you're not just
• 8:35
  like deciding what to eat, but you're deciding if you're going
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  to be a quote UN quote good person.
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  If you are going to be the person who this week only eats
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  one of them. If you're going to be the person
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  that has one and walks away. If you're going to be the person
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  that doesn't think about them all the time because you're
• 8:58
  starting again on Monday. But when you reset and you don't
• 9:04
  change your language, your own food, you can't do it.
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  You literally can't do it because your language, your own
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  food is indicative of your all or nothing mindset.
• 9:16
  And once we once I transform your all or nothing mindset,
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  everything will become clear. And you're like, oh, right,
• 9:21
  yeah, it's just food. Because when you have a quote UN
• 9:26
  quote bad choice, when you eat quote UN quote bad food, naughty
• 9:30
  food, you think, oh, I've already ruined it.
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  Might as well just have it all. Might as well just have it all.
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  That's not greed. You're not greedy.
• 9:40
  It's just your all or nothing mindset doing what it always
• 9:43
  does. Yeah.
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  So changing your language, your own food, going from naughty
• 9:52
  nice to sweet dreams, like all of that, all of that stuff, all
• 9:55
  that diet culture stuff to just having food, just describing it
• 9:59
  for what it is. So if you're going to have a
• 10:00
  chocolate bar, describe it as a chocolate bar.
• 10:03
  If you're going to have a chocolate ganache pot, which is
• 10:07
  what we've got in the fridge, you call it a chocolate ganache
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  pot. That's what it is.
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  It's not all kind of those really naughty chocolatey things
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  on the fridge. Please no describe it.
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  Just describe it. You are not a good person for
• 10:22
  having an 80 calorie version of a chocolate bar.
• 10:25
  You are not a naughty person for having a normal calorie version
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  of a chocolate bar. Your worth has nothing to do
• 10:33
  with the food that you eat. No, no, no, no, no, no.
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  When you change your food, your language around food, it makes a
• 10:45
  massive difference. Trust me, I see it all the time.
• 10:48
  And what I do as well in coaching, I reframe so actually
• 10:55
  how you talk about food changes. So instead of being like oh I
• 10:58
  was bad today. Oh, it was really awful.
• 11:01
  It's a reframe. It's like, well, actually I ate
• 11:04
  past my fullness. I wonder why.
• 11:09
  Yeah. Instead of oh, I really deserve
• 11:12
  a treat. Like, oh, actually, I fancy
• 11:14
  something sweet. That's it.
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  So. Oh, I shouldn't have that.
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  I'm being good. It's like, well, do I actually
• 11:22
  need or want that right now? How hungry am I?
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  Yeah, See, language makes a massive difference.
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  And when I introduce this to my clients who come into one to one
• 11:36
  with me, they're like, oh, yeah, I can see what you're saying,
• 11:40
  Kawa, but it's not that bad. Trust me.
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  When you work on your language, your own food, it is
• 11:47
  enlightening. Enlightening.
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  And that is where I get amazing results from my clients once
• 11:53
  they change their language, your own food.
• 11:57
  Oh, it's just fantastic. Next thing I want to talk about
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  is the scarcity trap. And this is the bit underneath
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  it. All right, so you've gone for
• 12:12
  the 80 calorie version in the 1st place.
• 12:14
  I'm in the supermarket again. You're like, right, I'm going to
• 12:16
  go for that because I can have one.
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  This week's going to be different.
• 12:22
  This is it. But actually what you're doing
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  is you're not allowing yourself the real thing, the chocolate
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  bar that's like 180 calories. And that creates scarcity in
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  your mindset. And scarcity creates obsession.
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  And the obsession with food is what's keeping you in the
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  kitchen at 9:00 PM. It's the one that is reaching
• 12:50
  for the third mini chocolate bar and happily wondering what is
• 12:55
  wrong with you. There's nothing wrong with you.
• 12:58
  It's just this. You're caught in the cycle.
• 13:00
  You're in the pattern and the scarcity of the 80 calorie
• 13:05
  version is keeping you there. So you're like thinking, Oh
• 13:08
  yeah, but it's not a full blown diet.
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  I'm not on a diet. You don't have to be.
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  It's still restriction. It's still counts as
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  restriction. And you're still thinking, oh, I
• 13:17
  better just have the low calorie one.
• 13:21
  That's the start of it. And that's what's keeping you
• 13:23
  going in it. I know scarcity, but Cara, I'll
• 13:33
  just eat what I want. I'll eat everything.
• 13:35
  Insight. I hear this all the time too.
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  I'm going to address it head on, right head on.
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  You only feel that way because you spent years in the bind
• 13:47
  restrict cycle. And that's pattern that I've
• 13:49
  just talked about. So when you give yourself
• 13:53
  permission to eat, eat anything, when you change your language
• 13:57
  around food, when you take out the restriction, the food noise
• 14:04
  quietens. When nothing is off limits, like
• 14:08
  truly, truly off limits, the fixation, the obsession starts
• 14:12
  to just go away, just goes away. Doesn't happen overnight, but it
• 14:17
  does just gradually get lower and lower and lower.
• 14:18
  And when you change your language around food, when you
• 14:21
  do the work that I do, when you tap into your own hunger and
• 14:24
  fauna signals, you are working on that.
• 14:27
  And then all of a sudden, like five, 4-5 months down the line,
• 14:32
  you're like, Oh yeah, I have that feed in my house.
• 14:35
  I didn't even realise it because you stopped fighting it.
• 14:40
  It's not that your willpower's got like more.
• 14:44
  It's not that your determination is like on point.
• 14:46
  It's just that you've got a different relationship with
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  food. I know, I know.
• 14:52
  Trust me, you're not a child either.
• 14:54
  You won't want pizza for breakfast.
• 14:56
  You won't want ice cream for lunch.
• 15:00
  You will want food that make you feel healthy.
• 15:03
  You will want food that nourishes you.
• 15:05
  You're a smart, intelligent woman.
• 15:07
  Trust me when I say you won't eat everything inside.
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  You won't eat everything inside. I have yet to come across a
• 15:15
  woman who's come to me to transform a relationship with
• 15:18
  food who has ended up eating everything inside.
• 15:21
  It just does not happen, trust me, trust me.
• 15:30
  So when you do all that stuff, when you like, have the piece
• 15:36
  around food, you have like a stressful day.
• 15:39
  I can't take the stressfulness every day for you.
• 15:42
  I'm afraid. I can't take you being tired.
• 15:46
  I can't take that away from you. But what I can do is when you
• 15:51
  fancy something sweet, when you fancy like a piece of chocolate,
• 15:55
  I can allow you to have that piece of chocolate that you eat
• 15:59
  slowly, that you actually taste, that feels satisfied, like both
• 16:04
  emotionally and physically. And then you just get on with
• 16:07
  your evening. You don't go back from another
• 16:09
  one. You don't fall into like a gilt
• 16:11
  spiral. You don't have 4 little mini
• 16:14
  versions that don't hit the spot.
• 16:15
  You don't lie up, you don't lie lie.
• 16:19
  You don't don't lie awake like doing the like the damage being
• 16:24
  like, oh, I'm going to be good tomorrow.
• 16:27
  You just get on with your evening.
• 16:31
  You just go and go over to the sofa and then you fall asleep
• 16:34
  before 9:00. That is what happens.
• 16:39
  That is the goal. It's not like a perfect, it's
• 16:42
  not eating perfectly, it's not tracking everything.
• 16:45
  It's not like white knocking your way through the cravings.
• 16:48
  It's not saying to yourself you need more willpower, having more
• 16:51
  discipline, just being able to have the thing you want, enjoy
• 16:54
  it, and then move on. Just move on.
• 16:56
  It. Just move on.
• 17:00
  People who do that, they don't have more willpower.
• 17:04
  They don't have like perfect discipline.
• 17:07
  People who do that have just done the deeper work, like what
• 17:12
  I do in coaching. They've figured out, figured
• 17:15
  out, I really can't talk today, can I?
• 17:17
  They've figured out why they're eating the way they do.
• 17:21
  They've addressed the emotional patterns which are running the
• 17:25
  show and they've stopped like outsourcing the hunger to like a
• 17:30
  food label. And instead they've took it in
• 17:32
  house literally, literally listening to what they are
• 17:35
  thinking, thinking, oh God, thinking and feeling internally.
• 17:39
  And when you do that, you cannot go, you cannot go wrong.
• 17:43
  Literally can't do that. If you want to, to do that, if
• 17:48
  you want to stop relying on willpower and determination, if
• 17:51
  you want to stop eating the 380 calorie treats and you want to
• 17:57
  stop doing the oh, I'll start Monday.
• 17:59
  Stop the stress eating, stop the guilt spiral.
• 18:03
  Come into coaching because that's where I change a
• 18:07
  relationship with food by changing how you talk and talk
• 18:10
  about food. I give you emotional tools and
• 18:14
  strategies to deal with those emotions instead of going to
• 18:17
  food and drink as an emotional crutch.
• 18:20
  The surface level stuff is not what I do.
• 18:23
  I go deep. I go deep.
• 18:25
  It's not a diet, it's not a diet plan.
• 18:27
  It's nothing like that. It's deeper, deeper, deeper
• 18:32
  stuff that actually work sustainably and also ethically.
• 18:37
  So that sounds good. Head over to the show notes,
• 18:40
  book yourself in for a free 30 minute call with me.
• 18:44
  Just have a chat. No obligations, no sell pitch or
• 18:46
  anything like that. Just come and have a chat with
• 18:47
  me. I will talk you through where
• 18:50
  you are and I'll make up a bespoke action plan for you.
• 18:54
  And if you feel like that's a great idea, then come into
• 18:59
  coaching, six months for £199 per month.
• 19:05
  Three months are one to one calls, two months of calls every
• 19:09
  other week and then the last month is WhatsApp support.
• 19:12
  So then you are free to go about into the world, not thinking
• 19:16
  about food, constantly being able to have what you actually
• 19:20
  want in the evening and then go about your evening like, that's
• 19:24
  it, freedom. Head up to the show notes and
• 19:30
  book yourself in for that call. Thank you very much.
• 19:39
  Thank you so much for listening to me today.
• 19:41
  If something in this episode landed to you, if you've had
• 19:44
  that moment when you thought, oh, that's me, I want you to do
• 19:47
  something with it. Don't just let it sit there.
• 19:50
  Share this episode with someone who needs to hear it.
• 19:52
  Send the link, tell them you need to start listening to
• 19:55
  Chatting with Carla because this work spreads when we talk about
• 19:59
  it. And if you're ready to stop
• 20:01
  cycling for the same patterns and actually do the deep work,
• 20:05
  it changes everything. I'd love to work with you one to
• 20:07
  one. Book yourself for free, no
• 20:10
  obligation consultation. Call in the show notes.
• 20:13
  We'll chat about what's going on with you, where you want to go,
• 20:16
  and I'll give you the road map to get there.
• 20:19
  If you love the share, hit subscribe so new episodes drop
• 20:21
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• 20:24
  And please leave a review. It helps others find chatting
• 20:27
  with Karma and build this community.
• 20:30
  You can find me on Instagram and Facebook at Koch with Karma or
• 20:34
  e-mail me at karma@kochwithco.uk.
• 20:39
  Until next time. Thanks team.