Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / When You Feel Masculine Because Your Girlfriend Says You Want Sex Too Much Or She's Worn Out

Transcript

When You Feel Masculine Because Your Girlfriend Says You Want Sex Too Much Or She's Worn Out · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the dr.
• 0:07
  Psych mom show today we're going to be talking about when younger
• 0:11
  men, especially feel very masculine because their
• 0:15
  girlfriends say that they're just too much and they just are
• 0:19
  want sex all the time and they're worn out and or that it
• 0:23
  hurts because he's just so big. So young guys are very, very
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  susceptible to this sort of flattery or taking this as
• 0:31
  flattery when in reality. It's a fairly large red.
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  Flag about the relationship. So we will get into that right
• 0:38
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• 0:41
  man colds, and the next one's going to be what anxiety looks
• 0:45
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• 0:51
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• 0:57
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• 1:01
  fun, and people get a lot out of it in terms.
• 1:05
  Zuv talking about relationships, sex, all the sorts of issues
• 1:09
  that are relevant to my stuff parenting, Etc.
• 1:14
  So, all right, so, what kind of guys are?
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  Are we talking about here young guys inexperienced guys, right?
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  And that's even if you've had, if you've slept with a whole
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  bunch of girls and you're 25, you're still pretty
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  inexperienced because, you know, you're young and you may have
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  slept with some of those just one time each and young girls.
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  Also don't really verbalize what they want in bed.
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  So, you know, you could think you're giving people orgasms, I
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  know not you in particular, and Me, you know, any one such man
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  who's listening to this but, you know, your peer group.
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  Just, I'm just joking, obviously, men have no idea when
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  they give women orgasms women know how to fake that you can
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  watch When Harry Met Sally. But of course, women also know
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  that you're supposed to have vaginal contractions.
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  So I mean it's like, you know, it's not hard to do.
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  And and young men have no idea and women aren't doing it to be
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  mean, they're doing it to be nice.
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  They're doing it because they don't really know how to have an
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  orgasm and They figure that. This is what you're supposed to
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  do. They've read about it, you know,
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  and makes him very happy. So, you know, they do it.
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  But this is a whole other thing. I guess I could do a whole other
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  podcast on that, but nobody's doing it to hurt you.
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  You know, they're doing it because they want to move things
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  along, and it seems like like you very into it.
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  And there's a certain way that they act that makes you very
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  happy, so they do it. But anyway, the point is that
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  men in their 20s are definitionally young and
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  inexperienced and that's when they listen.
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  Listen to these words from a girlfriend and they think that
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  it's very flattering instead of a red flag and the words are
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  things like, oh, I can't do it two days in a row.
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  I'm so sore from yesterday or oh you just wear me out or oh my
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  God. You think about sex all the
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  time, right? And instead of being like well,
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  wait a second, you know, the vagina is made to push out a 7
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  plus pound baby. How really could my what I
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  previously thought of was maybe you know?
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  - penis really be causing this much Agony, you know, and, and
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  what the hell like, why does she say?
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  I want it all the time. We kind of only do it really a
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  couple times a week. You know, I mean instead of
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  thinking like that, you know, the men young men think, oh my
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  God, I am like some kind of porn star, holy shit.
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  I've how could I possibly expect a mortal female to keep up with
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  me. My I'm a testosterone machine
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  and so, you know, of course they think like, That because they're
• 3:44
  young, right? And so so what happens is that
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  they end up being with these women I really are just trying
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  to turn them off of Sex You know cuz they don't really like it
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  that much, you know, not that much and they have and maybe the
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  woman really does think that the man's penis being so big is the
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  problem if if he's not done any foreplay it does hurt.
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  Now of course there were other reasons that you're you know
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  vagina could hurt and the medical reasons.
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  Etc. Should always get that checked
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  out. Out, you know, somebody wrote in
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  to tell me that I should make sure to say everybody should get
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  vaginal pain checked out. Yeah, sure get your vaginal pain
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  checked out 100%. And also a reason that a woman
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  could say it hurts, and it could hurt, very common is because
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  she's not lubricated and because, you know, you got to go
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  back to my episode on female arousal and what does it really
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  look like? Remember how I told you, it may
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  not be your favorite analogy, but the inside of a vagina is
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  like the inside of a nose mucous membrane.
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  You give a free young woman. You just put your finger in
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  there, it seems like she's wet, not dry.
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  It looks wet. Seems wet like a nose is wet.
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  That does not mean that she's really wet and excited, right?
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  So it could be, there's two reasons that it could hurt and
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  it's putting aside the medical one.
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  So, if your vagina hurts frequently after sex and you're
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  listening to this or that's your wife, definitely get it checked
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  out but also these two reasons, you know, a, you know, you could
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  be doing something very wrong and be she could not be excited,
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  you know? And Is that aside from the
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  medical ones. And so, if you're doing
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  something very wrong, such as just like shoving it in there,
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  willy-nilly or trying to finger her, you didn't clip your nails
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  or trying to, you know, do like some weird position, all the
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  time and jackhammering at her. I mean then it's going to hurt
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  her and if she wasn't excited to begin with, then any sort of
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  contact with her vagina is going to her, which is why a lot of
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  guys think that talked about this in the oral sex episode.
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  A lot of guys think going down on a woman is for plates.
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  Not Foreplay touching, the genitals is sex.
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  So, foreplay is before that kissing stroking, her breasts.
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  So, whatever other parts of her body, she likes.
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  Once you touch the genitals though, that is sex for the
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  woman, so going down on her as part of sex, not part of
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  foreplay. But anyway, when guys go down on
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  the woman, then they get her wet.
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  So then it seems like she's wet even if she's not really.
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  What? So, anyway, these are reasons
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  that she might not like it, but another reason that she might
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  not want to have sex so much besides that, you're not that
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  good at it, which you may not be and that's not a bad thing.
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  She's not that good at it either, probably if you're both
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  in experience. But anyway, another one is that
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  she just has a low sex drive, so she just doesn't want to do it
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  that much and so she because, you know, she's young, she
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  figured out kind of what to say to you the thing that you like
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  so much and then that gets her out of having sex and she really
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  likes you. Otherwise, she just doesn't
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  really like sex that much. She doesn't know why she assumes
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  most people really don't, which is how, you know, kind of low
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  libido. People feel is like, they're
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  kind of incredulous, like Ali other people really like this?
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  This much? No.
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  I'm, that can't be right kind of like, you know what, you see
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  when you watch, you know, like a bodybuilding competition.
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  You're like people care about their body that much like nah,
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  like that's not so you know, like it's it's very so
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  different. It's a wildly disparate from how
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  you feel that. It's almost like you feel.
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  It's not real. You know that there could even
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  be people like that. That's how low libido.
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  People feel when they talk to a high libido person they're like
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  you really want. All the time.
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  Are we talking about the same activity?
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  Like I just can't believe it. So obviously this disconnect
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  means that it's hard for high and low libido people to
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  understand each other because a lot of what I work on with
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  couples and therapy is helping that happen.
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  You know them understand each other.
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  But anyway so she's realized that if she's like oh my God
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  you're such a big man. You wear me out, then she'll
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  leave her alone for a couple days and you'll be preening your
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  feathers about it. But you know that's not good for
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  your ongoing sex life. And for post marriage sex,
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  right? Because at some point, she's
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  just going to be like, you know, why do you think about this all
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  the time? I hate doing it.
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  We're never going to do it more than once a week.
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  So stop and that does not sound quite so cute and flattering,
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  but it's what she felt really all along.
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  And of course, there's a little, there's a libido increase in the
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  honeymoon stage. When you're in the honeymoon
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  stage, you know, we really should start calling it a Libby,
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  do increase in the honeymoon stage.
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  I'm going to start doing that because it's not a libido
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  decrease afterwards. I mean, it is you know what goes
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  up must come down. But reality is the Baseline is
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  low and the, the Baseline is lower and the honeymoon stage.
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  Artificially inflates, it, which is something that I've said
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  before, as well, just stick to that because it's a much, much
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  better way of defining it. There's an artificial increase
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  in in the honeymoon stage. You know, it's not like the
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  woman's like high libido, High libido, honeymoon stage high
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  libido. Everything's had libido, since
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  she's like 15 years old and then bam.
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  No. It's like she's kind of the same
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  person all along, but the difference is the, The honeymoon
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  stage, that is some of the artificial increase in the
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  middle, you know, and then it goes back to whatever her
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  Baseline was and then it goes even lower than that after
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  children age Etc. But anyway, the the point is
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  that, you know, many women are saying this kind of thing
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  because it's a cute way, you know, to say that you're you're
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  really bothering her with your sex drive and so you should pay
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  attention to this as a red flag. Because in if you're a very high
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  libido guy, then, Going to want the early honeymoon stage to be
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  that, you guys are having sex all the time.
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  You know, you guys are having sex multiple times a day and if
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  that's not happening because like, you're too much, man for
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  her while that may be flattering to think about, it's not
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  reality, it's not reality. It's just that she doesn't
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  really want sex that much. It may be that she doesn't want
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  sex. How much with you?
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  Because you're not very good in that case.
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  No harm, no foul. Learn, you know, and talk to her
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  about it and really, really start kind of talking to her
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  about it more and Be like, what could I do?
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  Better? But here's here's really the
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  thing. If you are bad in bed and she's
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  a high libido woman, she's going to try to fix you and help you.
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  And this is why men who are good in bed, get good in bed because
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  they've been with one or multiple partners who were very
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  vocal and gave feedback. They men, who are good and bad
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  have been with high libido, women on high libido women.
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  Once they have you in bed, they're going to want to get at
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  least get off. So they are good at teach you
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  what to do, but if they if High libido men have trained on by
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  being Low libido, women. Those women don't really give a
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  shit if they come or not. So then, you know, they're not
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  going to train you because they don't really care in the end.
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  They don't know what to do, because they've never
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  investigated it themselves because they don't masturbate
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  that they, you know, they're little bit of women.
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  So I mean it all goes down to that.
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  So if you're a man, so high libido man, you've had sex with
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  one high libido. Let's say, high school
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  girlfriend for four years, like you guys met, then you're making
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  out that eventually you're having sex and she's High
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  libido. So right, you have learned more
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  about how to be good in bed than a frat guy.
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  Who has had 25 multiple week relationships with all low
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  libido women, right? You know, much more because
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  you've been with at least one high libido woman.
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  That's then giving you feedback on one night, stands women,
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  don't give feedback on multiple week relationships.
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  Women don't usually give feedback but when you're
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  somebody's girlfriend, then if you're high libido you want to
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  get off. So you give feedback.
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  So men who have not gotten any feedback, don't really know what
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  to do. It's not their fault.
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  Don't really know what to do. Pouring doesn't tell you what to
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  do. They could, you know, listen to
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  all my stuff but you know they don't know about it and and
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  other sorts of, you know, they could Google how to go down on a
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  woman or something and usually they have but, you know, there's
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  a lot of misinformation out there either way the point is
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  that if if you are a man and you have been put off by your
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  girlfriend saying oh you know why at you're just too much.
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  You're too much of a man. You're too much you know you
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  just want sex so much oh my God. Poor little woman like me can't
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  handle it, you know, you got to take that with a grain of salt,
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  although it may not be terribly, you know, flattering to do it so
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  that you don't get into a marriage where you're like holy
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  mother of God. She was saying this from the
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  time. She was 22 and I was 22 and I
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  was just too stupid to hear it. She was literally rejecting me
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  from sex from day, like, two of our sexual relationship and I
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  didn't realize it, you know, and this happens a lot, of course,
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  two guys who are Just because they're not supposed to have sex
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  before marriage. So they really are in a
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  situation where she's putting them off.
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  Always and it's not because they're so wonderful.
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  It's because of God. So you know, okay, great.
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  So then we, we can't have sex because of God will.
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  Then guess what? On the honeymoon, you know, God
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  is happy with you then, and because you're married and
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  you're still not having sex in a lot of cases because the woman
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  who will, you know what here, very readily to the no heavy
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  petting and the know this and the no, that is not a very
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  sexual woman from what I've seen.
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  I've seen working with religious people, the ones that are super
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  high libido, get around some of these constraints, you know,
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  either even the make-out sessions, they have or much more
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  passionate, you know, because they're very high libido.
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  And so, even if let's say they won't have intercourse, or maybe
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  they won't do some other stuff, whatever they do, you know, is,
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  is qualitatively different. But how does a guy know this?
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  You know, if he has zero experience he's made out with
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  maybe like three girls, does he really know?
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  Definitely not. And you know and again you Men
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  are very susceptible to the flattery inherent in.
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  You're just too much of a man for me and you're just too big
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  and you're just hurting and whatever you know.
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  And that's not really flattering.
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  And what I'm saying here is to totally rethink this.
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  And to think if she's not wanting sex actively all the
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  time when we were dating, then I got to understand that her
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  libido will go down and so I need to start with something
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  that's equivalent to me otherwise when she goes down.
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  She's going to be in the, you know, in the bowels of hell, you
• 13:46
  know, that's where her Sex Drive is going to even out too and
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  that's not going to be fun. So think about it very, very
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  differently, you know, think about it that if she wanted it
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  and also even if you're bad, as I was talking about before she
• 14:00
  would want to fix it. So let's say that you are not
• 14:03
  getting her off or you've realized that kind of you can't
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  because you know, guys sometimes kind of know they're like yeah
• 14:09
  it does doesn't make sense. I mean I hear it takes a little
• 14:13
  while. Well to get women off but my
• 14:15
  girlfriend it seems to be almost immediate.
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  I mean, not a really do anything.
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  I mean I guess I could just be that handsome but I don't know.
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  Something doesn't check out you know.
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  So some guys to their credit. Do you know interrogate the kind
• 14:30
  of fake orgasm or what the woman sometimes she doesn't even know.
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  She's faking an orgasm. She just women have that some
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  low libido. Women have that little little
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  experience that they don't even know that when they are moaning
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  and And moving around at more that it is so that they are
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  faking an orgasm. Sometimes, they just think
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  they're trying to be good and bad.
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  They're trying to do what they're supposed to do and they
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  don't understand that the man is taking it as though it is a an
• 14:55
  orgasm, they're not even faking it on purpose.
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  Always your partner has less sexual experience and
• 15:01
  understanding that you think, you know, they just go by that
• 15:04
  as like a rule and you will realize it's true for like, 99%
• 15:08
  of people. But anyway, the the point is, is
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  that if Has never given you feedback that is.
• 15:15
  Again, it would be flattering to think it's just because you're
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  amazing how, how could you automatically know her body?
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  Doesn't make any sense. If you went into a job and you
• 15:24
  didn't have to get trained, I mean, is that a good job?
• 15:27
  Like, is that you, is, are you really doing anything at that
• 15:30
  job? You know, how could you have
• 15:32
  known? What you're supposed to do with
• 15:33
  the job before you got to the job, it just doesn't make any
• 15:35
  sense. So this doesn't make any sense
• 15:37
  either. If she does not ever give you
• 15:40
  feedback, if she never tells you to try anything else, if she
• 15:42
  never shows, You what to do, how could you be doing it?
• 15:46
  You know, it just wouldn't, it wouldn't be plausible, you know,
• 15:49
  if you put on your detective hat it would not be plausible there.
• 15:52
  And when it's not plausible it's probably not, right?
• 15:54
  So that is also a marker of a lower libido woman is they never
• 16:00
  give feedback because they don't care enough to try to improve.
• 16:03
  Its it's not something that they're really into.
• 16:05
  Anyway, I hope that you guys got at least a few things to think
• 16:08
  about from this, if you are, if you realize, you were in this
• 16:12
  situation all along, Then it gives you something to not be so
• 16:16
  mad about. Yeah.
• 16:18
  Like you may not be sexually compatible but at least it
• 16:20
  wasn't the much maligned and fictional quote, bait and
• 16:25
  switch, which I have never actually seen in real life.
• 16:29
  And in fact, when guys, think it was a quote bait-and-switch,
• 16:32
  when we go back through the history, they're like um yeah
• 16:35
  well I mean what she did want sex more than she does.
• 16:38
  Now I mean you know she wanted it, you know, twice a week or
• 16:42
  really she initiated it twice a week.
• 16:44
  No, she like never initiated it ever.
• 16:47
  Just like she doesn't now, but I'm she let me do it twice a
• 16:49
  week, you know. So like, oh, she was a long
• 16:52
  luxurious experience. And she really enjoyed it.
• 16:54
  No, no, not bad. I mean, you know, she she never
• 16:58
  really liked it. She let me do it.
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  She tolerated it twice a week and I thought, that, that was
• 17:03
  okay, you know, when that she would really open up after
• 17:06
  marriage. I mean, come on.
• 17:07
  Like, no, no offense. I mean, but it's not that that
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  reasonable, right? The thing.
• 17:13
  I think that if you go back and you look at it, then you can get
• 17:16
  rid of a lot of your anger and resentment.
• 17:18
  When you realize your low libido, wife was always a little
• 17:21
  bit of shoes. A low libido girlfriend,
• 17:23
  everybody else. That was a high that had high
• 17:25
  libido girlfriend. They were having sex multiple
• 17:27
  times a day in the honeymoon stage.
• 17:28
  You were doing it, like, you know, three times a week for
• 17:31
  like, 10 minutes to pop. And she always seemed like, a
• 17:33
  little bit, like she'd rather do something else.
• 17:35
  Then she was no bait and switch at all.
• 17:37
  And I've talked about this ad nauseam, this bait-and-switch
• 17:40
  idea, I see that it would help people too.
• 17:43
  To feel kind of better about their own decision-making
• 17:47
  Powers. But why not just say, young
• 17:49
  people are stupid of both genders and they have no idea
• 17:52
  about anything. And so you weren't able to make
• 17:54
  a good choice in terms of sexual compatibility.
• 17:56
  Then at least you don't have to be mad at somebody for a
• 17:58
  supposedly lying to you when they did it.
• 18:01
  You know, only the most dysfunctional woman with
• 18:05
  sociopathic tendencies would say, I will pretend to like blow
• 18:09
  jobs know they're their honeymoon, stage hormones, they
• 18:12
  love it, it's great. It's like a banana split.
• 18:15
  That's awesome. And then when those hormones
• 18:17
  wear off, just like when drunkenness wears off, you're
• 18:19
  like when you're done being drunk, you like I danced on the
• 18:22
  bar. Me know why couldn't a dance on
• 18:24
  the bar? It's crazy.
• 18:26
  It's like how women feel about blow jobs after the honeymoon.
• 18:28
  Stage hormones were rough. You know?
• 18:29
  I mean lower libido. Women in particular.
• 18:32
  Is what I mean? All right.
• 18:33
  Anyway, I hope you got a lot out of this and I'll talk to you all
• 18:36
  soon.