Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Do You Cuddle Enough?

Transcript

Do You Cuddle Enough? · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

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Hi everybody, and welcome to the dr.
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Psych mom show today, we are going to be talking about
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whether you cuddle enough and really.
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What this question is getting at is the disparity between
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different types of in preferences with physical touch.
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So, there are people that are high sex drive, but have a low,
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physical touch love language. And there are people who have a
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high, physical touch, love language, and a low sex drive.
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And It's not always that physical touch is the same as a
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high sex drive and with many guys that is this, but it's
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frequently not for women and we can talk about it.
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So before I do that, I want to tell you guys to subscribe my
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most recent one was about how how to tell your partner, that
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they're not doing something well.
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And next one, I'll probably be something about couples or
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family, I mean, I don't really know they're always interesting,
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at least, I think so. So but anyhow, so getting back
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to this. So the idea here is that people
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can start out with a high, physical touch love language but
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then their hormones change. So this is mostly women but it
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can be some men too but mostly what I'm talking about with a
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high, physical touch, love language and low sex drive are
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females. I mean, there are a lot of
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females with a high sex drive when they're in, you know, the
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early stages of dating Add a high, physical touch love
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language. They're always cuddling and
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touching you and stuff. And then they are sex, drive
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goes down, because their hormones go down now frequently.
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What happens is? They keep trying to cuddle and
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things like that, but the guy doesn't want to anymore.
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Because he feels like every time that he cuddles her and she
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doesn't want to have sex. He feels like he's all turned on
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for nothing, and he feels resentful.
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So then the guy ends up, you know, kind of cutting off his
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nose, despite his faith, and he ends up with no cuddles and no
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sex. And the woman has no cuddles at
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no sex. Now, the way to kind of work
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around, this is to understand that some women with a high
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physical touch, love language, take a while to get warmed up
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and their sex drive isn't, as instantaneous as it used to be
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the sexual response. But that doesn't mean that it's
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not there at all or can't be there with enough touching.
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Cuddling and foreplay and things like that.
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But obviously, the non sexual physical touch has to go before
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we even move into the foreplay. So there's a lot of women that
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will get in the mood if they're cuddling enough and if they get
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a massage and things like that. But the guy has tried to little
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of the non-sexual physical touch and so he thinks that if he
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gives her a five minute, massage doesn't do anything.
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Well, he's right, because it doesn't but if he would have
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given her 20 minute massage, it would get her back in the mood.
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Because she's overall a physical person, just her her hormones,
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have taken a hit with monogamy childbirth.
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Having kids, aging perimenopause, antidepressants
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birth control, and all of the various things that can impact a
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woman's sex drive. So what about the converse
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situation are there people with high sex drive and low physical
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touch need? Yeah, a lot of people, you know,
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more people than people think. So, a lot of men, they have,
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they feel Like a physical need for sex and desire, but they
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don't really like the cuddling part.
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And if those guys can learn that the cuddling part and the
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massage in the, for plane would ever really gets them a lot more
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sex and makes the woman happy. Then they can be convert to a
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physical touch love language. But if they've never really felt
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a need for it, then it's kind of hard to explain it.
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And so that's what I, you know, I'm trying to do here is trying
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to explain this thing that That is really a touchstone of
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disagreement and hurt feelings and misunderstandings.
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In many relationships because women frequently asked for more
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cuddling and kissing and things like that and the guy just
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doesn't do it because he doesn't want to end up feeling upset and
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disappointed when he doesn't get any sex later.
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So the way to come together on this issue as with so many
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others is for both people to try to understand the others
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perspective. So from the perspective of often
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the, the woman is often the person who says that she wants a
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hugs and Cuddles, but then doesn't always want it to turn
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into sex, try to understand that if it never turns into sex, then
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that is not really being, you know, good giving and game, you
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know, in any way, not just sexually.
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But in terms of understanding your Are so it doesn't really
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show a lot of empathy if you can never understand why somebody
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who is close to a person that he loves physically then would not
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in the absence of more regular sexual contact.
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Because, you know, this is a situation that mostly happens
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when the guy feels. He's not getting sex enough, you
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know why he would do this? It's kind of not really that
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hard to understand from the other perspective of the guy,
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who doesn't really like the cuddling.
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Because a, he doesn't really like it and be, it turns them
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on, so then he To have sex. So then he stops the whole
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process before it could get uncomfortable.
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Try to understand that, this means that you're cutting her
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off from her body and from under from from from enjoying her
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physical self, an aspect of which is this cuddling and
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touching, you don't ever want to cut your wife off from any
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physical pleasure. This is bad long-term because if
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you are seen as something that obstructs her from getting
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physical pleasure, even non sexual physical, Pleasure.
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If her love language is physical touch.
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So if you are the guy who won't cuddle, you know, then when she
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sees you instead of her body, associating you with physical
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pleasure and therefore wanting sex, she Associates you, with be
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feeling thwarted and obstructed and frustrated, that is not how
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you want your wife to view you, right?
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Because then she is going to pull away even more, which is
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probably what's happened. Now how are people made into
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cuddlers or not Cutler's? Well, there is Like a
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temperament you know of just liking physical touch that is an
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innate thing and its genetic as well as environmental if people
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grew up in a home where there was no hugging and no cuddling
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where when people watch TV, they all watched it and they're
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separate little seats, you know, and they weren't touching each
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other. That's very different from a
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family, where the default is to cuddle on the couch and be kind
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of in a heap, you know, or at least next to each other.
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You can just observe this in different families.
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Like, there's some, you know, parents Children that are always
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touching each other and cuddling and hugging and sitting next to
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each other and playing with the hair and all of that kind of
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thing. And then there's families where
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that's really not the norm. And if somebody were to do that
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they would be looked at like weirdo.
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So this it is very important to never underestimate the role of
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your family of origin and that family culture in shaping you
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you know, you didn't. It's very narcissistic to think
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that You just came out the way you are, because you're who you
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are. I mean, that just doesn't make
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sense and you don't think that for your own kids.
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I'm sure, you know, you think that you have a big impact on
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them. So never underestimate the
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amount that your parents and how they acted impact you, you know,
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and if you're this, you know, is is essential in empathy because
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it's really not your partner's fault, how they were raised in
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any sort of sense. So if you just think of your
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husband, let's say, Anywho so goal-oriented and so selfish
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that the only kind of touch he wants is sex.
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Well, I mean, how was he raised, you know?
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Yeah, he may be a guy that's not wired to really like cuddling,
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but I'll bet you anything that he was in a household where
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cuddling was not the norm and would be considered something
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strange. So that's not really his fault
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so it can promote empathy to try to understand that maybe could
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have come out more cuddly and more touchy-feely if he had been
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in such a household and he wasn't so he disconnected
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possibly from the Of himself that loved hugging and cuddling
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because if there's none on offer then you don't want to keep
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putting yourself out there for it.
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So this is textbook avoidant attachment a big part of it.
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Not that every household without cuddling has to lead to avoidant
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attachment children. It's more of the fit between the
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child and the household. So if let's say you are a child
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that loves hugs and cuddling and you go over to your mom and she
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always says, go play. Go play kind of.
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Don't touch me. I'm hot.
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I'm cold. Damn busy, then you know you
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feel rejected if however you're a kid that doesn't really even
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approach for hugs because you're just a busier, kind of kid that
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doesn't really feel that need that sensory need for touch,
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then you don't approach her mother like this.
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And you don't have any any way to get rejected because there's
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nothing to be rejected from because you're not asking for
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anything that she doesn't want to give you your asking, maybe
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for a sandwich or something like that.
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Which you does want to give you or to read you a book, which he
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does want to do. So within families, there's the
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shared variance Of parenting across siblings.
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But then there's the unshared variance, which that's the way
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that you talk about it with, in research about siblings and
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parenting. But what it really means is that
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every sibling has a different experience in the home, based on
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the interaction of their own personality birth order Etc with
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that of each parent. So, all, and this is why a lot
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of times people go into therapy and they say, I had a really bad
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childhood, but my sister says I'm crazy and we had a good
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childhood, this is because the system Are had a different sort
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of personality and was may be treated differently it which was
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also based on her personality and the goodness of fit with
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each parent, Etc. And so, yeah, two siblings can
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have extremely different experiences within the same
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family, even if they were very close in age, particularly
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honestly, if they were very close in age sometimes because
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in the birth order is more Amplified because then the
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mother is more stressed out by adding another child into the
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mix. So soon after the first or the
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second or the third or whatever. So, If you're looking back to
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understand the origin of how you guys think about physical touch
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differently than that, is already better than the blame
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game, right? So instead of blaming one
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another, you could say, oh, like how did we grow up?
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And how does that impact us and in what small ways, could we
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change to be, you know, more responsive to what the other
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person needs. And this is very valuable and
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it's kind of the basis of all of couples counseling is
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understanding that you and your partner were raised differently
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your Wired differently. You're trying to empathize and
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perspective. Take, and to, you know, shift it
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from blaming one another to understanding one another.
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And that's like, a key thing that couples counseling helps
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with. So what are the little things
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that you could do? You could try to cuddle more in
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front of the TV? If that's not something that you
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usually do, you can make sure to go to bed at the same time and
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cuddle. I have a podcast recently on, go
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to bed at the same time as your wife does, you could just try to
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touch On another when you pass in the hall or in you know when
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you're sitting down or anything like that, try to be aware of
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whether your default is to go sit by yourself.
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And if your partner is always kind of approaching you and
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hoping that you come over now, I also do want to get to the
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situation which I isn't really the focus of this.
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The this one is really more. There's people who have a high,
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physical touch, love language and a low sex drive or at least
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it slow, because they're not getting enough physical.
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Touch. That's non-sexual there is of
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course, also the situation and this is more common really where
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the I talk about this one. This is kind of the
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representative one that I talk about when I talk about the
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physical touch love language where the higher libido partner
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is the higher physical touch partner also and then the other
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one is low physical touch and low sex drive.
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So that is the situation that I am more frequently talking about
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and that is a larger disconnect you know and those those people
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are wired, way more differently and Were raised the way more
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differently probably, you know. And so, usually the person with
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a higher physical touch, love language is going to have the
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higher libido. Those things are going to co
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vary. But within women, particularly
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when they're Tapped Out by parenting etcetera, Etc, there
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are still women, who started out with a high, physical touch,
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love language. And if you go back in time, she
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was very touchy-feely and Huggy. Like a lot of guys when I say,
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you know, but how was like, you know, they say there was Change
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in our sex life after kids, I was like, oh yeah, really like
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was there and we go back and we think about what the sex life
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was like before, because they've told themselves that the wife is
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just totally changed. This is so unfair.
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And then in the interest of understanding her better or not
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demonizing her, we're like, we, what was it really like before,
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was there evidence that she liked physical touch?
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And they're like, well she was never really touchy feely.
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I guess. I mean, I was always trying to
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approach her hug her kiss her more.
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But, you know, we still had sex a couple times a week so I
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figured it was fine. That is not a woman with a high,
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physical touch, love language. Her libido was not that high to
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begin with. Now, it's gone down with in
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monogamy. Like don't blame that woman for
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shit. I mean, don't blame your partner
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for anything in general, but that is not a situation where
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she was selling herself as a high physical touch person and
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touching you all the time. And then, I mean, this never
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happens. But like guys have this thing
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where they think that women do bait and switch and there's no
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woman that's like, you know what?
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I'm really going to do is I'm gonna like stroked his face a
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lot and snuggle in his lap. But then as soon as Get my that
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ring on my finger, I'm going to stop like that doesn't happen.
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That's not reality, but and if you go back, you can tell.
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If your wife was a high physical touch, love language person by
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remembering how she acted in the honeymoon stage was she
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physically touching you a lot, non-sexually, forget about the
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sex, just put that in its own category and even within the
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sex, did she cuddle afterwards? Or did she get right up and wash
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herself and stuff? You know like you can tell.
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So don't don't tell yourself like, oh, she kind of sold
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herself as his By physical touch person when she wasn't know.
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You were in love. You looked at her.
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You were having enough sex and you're, you know, you were
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thinking unclearly, like somebody, drunken new love does,
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who doesn't have a lot of experience as nobody does when
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they don't have a lot of experience because they're
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young. And you thought that she was a
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cuddly? You were hoping so much that you
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are attuned in that way that you saw it as though, you were, but
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you never work. So a deep understanding of how.
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Somebody always was, can really help with empathy and with the
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Objectivity. That is needed to kind of take
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things where they're at and progress from there.
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Alright? So I hope that this was useful
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to you and and to think about different ways to incorporate
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non-sexual physical touch. If there is a partner that is
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yearning for that and I will talk to everybody soon.
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Have a great day.