Latest / Questionable Detour / Making people afraid, being a superhero, and giving advice

Transcript

Making people afraid, being a superhero, and giving advice · Questionable Detour

0:00
Excuse me, what is going on here?
0:04
But first we're gonna make a little detour.
0:09
So absurd, so questionable.
0:12
I guess we're just the weirdos.
0:15
Expect the detour.
0:24
Makes us seem approachable.
0:26
Yeah, and we're not approachable.
0:27
Let's be very clear about that.
0:30
A lot of people walk up to me.
0:32
What do they say?
0:33
They don't say anything, they just walk up to me.
0:38
They just like walk up and look at you?
0:40
Yeah.
0:41
Is it because you're like peeing in the front garden or something?
0:43
I don't want to like tell all my secrets, but...
0:47
I don't feel like it's a secret if you're peeing in public.
0:49
He lives his life like a zoo animal.
0:51
He pees outside and people come to watch him.
0:55
He goes up to a fence and just hope people feed him.
1:00
My main source of water is through a trough.
1:02
Yeah.
1:04
Is that like in some person's house?
1:06
Like, where do you get the trough?
1:07
Everybody, like the whole neighborhood sits one out for me.
1:10
And I just kind of, everybody has one in front of their house.
1:12
The homeowner.
1:13
Wherever I'm mose-ing to.
1:13
The homeowner's association is like,
1:15
if you move into this neighborhood, we have a guy named Evan.
1:20
I'm first on the docket, that's for sure.
1:21
You know, based off,
1:23
based off the neighbors condition of their roof,
1:25
just doing a little call back to last week,
1:28
I would think that they're the kind of people that have a bathtub
1:30
in their backyard that they just let Evan drink out.
1:33
Yeah.
1:34
And like they gather their family around a window
1:36
like somebody would when they see a deer in the backyard.
1:38
They're like, hey, come here.
1:39
Come here. Look at this. It's a deer.
1:41
It's a deer. And it's just Evan.
1:43
Shirtless.
1:44
Lapping water out of their trough.
1:47
He perks his head up like a deer that just heard something.
1:49
Like nature.
1:55
Like this is what God created.
1:56
This is God's creation, beautiful.
2:00
And like, like, don't scare it off.
2:02
Don't scare it off.
2:04
And somebody breaks a twig behind Evan.
2:07
He's like, takes off into the woods.
2:10
He does the Bigfoot stance.
2:16
Most people will be upset at their homeowner associations.
2:18
Like you can't have this color fence.
2:20
But then they go to this neighborhood and they're like,
2:22
I'm OK with our homeowner association.
2:24
We don't have a...
2:25
It's sort of a free for all.
2:26
Yeah. It's a feral man that comes up.
2:28
There's one rule.
2:31
It is that you have to keep a trough in your yard.
2:34
For the feral hobo.
2:38
All right. Welcome to Questionable Detour.
2:40
Do some hypotheticals.
2:43
Dave, can I pose a somewhat abstract, purely hypothetical question?
2:48
I guess I want to apologize for asking a hypothetical question.
2:51
Well, that's a hypothetical question.
2:54
All right. First hypothetical is you can give phobias to people.
2:58
What things would you make people afraid of?
3:01
So when I was getting to the inner psyche of people,
3:05
I really was thinking what they're most afraid of.
3:07
And it's like public speaking, you know, the dark, the ocean.
3:10
And then I was like, I bet a lot of people would be afraid to find their zipper down.
3:14
Right. But I took it the other way.
3:17
I am going to make people afraid or a particular person afraid of having their zipper up.
3:23
They're so afraid that they might find their zipper completely zipped up.
3:28
Now, you can imagine walking around
3:36
meeting somebody new and going, oh, I'm sorry, sir.
3:40
Zip zips a zipper down and then going, I'm sorry, that was so embarrassing.
3:45
So sorry. You caught me with my zipper up.
3:49
You know, when you're up on stage, public speaking, you kind of check yourself,
3:53
make sure everything zipped up. No, no. This person's going to be going,
3:56
oh, shoot, my zipper was up the entire time.
4:00
So what are some of the phrases that you say when you these people find their zippers up?
4:05
What's some of the things that you say? Oh, sorry.
4:07
You caught me with my caught me with my zipper up.
4:10
You caught me up up in a way. OK.
4:12
You caught me up in arms.
4:20
Is that person also afraid of, like, you know, being nude in public or like
4:24
they had the same nightmares as getting their pants?
4:26
Now, they're they're afraid of everything else that a normal person might be afraid of.
4:31
But if I'm casting the spell, let's say on Evan over here, I go
4:35
zippity doodah zippity day.
4:37
You're afraid of your zipper being up.
4:40
The last part doesn't rhyme.
4:42
Great stuff.
4:44
You know, I don't have to rhyme in my my hexes.
4:47
But now Evan is just afraid of a zipper being up.
4:50
So he goes through his life. But everything else is normal.
4:53
So it's not it's not like like what about buttons on your shirt?
4:56
Are you afraid of your buttons on your shirt being up?
4:58
You get up on stage, you're talking in front of somebody.
5:00
You're like, oh, crap, my zipper's up. You unzip it. Yeah.
5:02
Then you realize when you're looking down there, oh, well, my shirt's all buttoned up.
5:06
You got to rip that bad boy open.
5:07
So now you look like a 70s disco guy.
5:12
You better hope you're wearing your medallion.
5:16
I feel like a person that likes a zipper to be down also might like their buttons
5:21
to be completely, completely down, showing off chest.
5:24
You know, I would I would think so.
5:25
I mean, imagine the situations that you get into.
5:28
You meet your girlfriend's parents for the first time.
5:30
You're like, remind me to make sure my zipper's down, honey.
5:34
You walk in there with your zipper completely undone.
5:37
They're like, sir, X, Y, Z.
5:39
You're like, oh, thank you.
5:41
I'm glad you noticed.
5:48
Or, you know, you walk in and you're just like,
5:51
you have a great house and you zip down.
5:54
Oh, yeah, I get comfortable, I guess.
5:56
You walk into a new interview, you said, all right, well, let's get started.
5:59
You zip down.
6:01
I feel like you set a really bad, bad first impression
6:09
or all of these people that you're creating phobias for set really bad first impressions.
6:14
Yeah, I don't think I don't think it'd be a good first impression, though.
6:16
You could spin it a good way and be like, these people are just relaxed.
6:20
You know, they don't care what other people think they're being themselves.
6:23
Well, it's like how after sometimes after a after a meal,
6:26
you eat a lot and got a lot of food in the belly.
6:29
Yeah, you just unzip unbuttoned, just lay there on the couch.
6:32
Yeah, you don't have the sweats on. Yeah, exactly.
6:34
That's right. So like what in those situations?
6:37
I guess they're afraid of having their pants zipped up.
6:39
So like even in those situations where you're supposed to unzip your pants,
6:42
like you're full, they don't like just do the opposite and zip it up and then unbutton.
6:46
It'd be harder to get off pants. That is true.
6:52
You they would be struggling.
6:54
They'd be like, I need to get these pants off, but I'm also so afraid.
6:58
I zipper being down.
7:03
So they would really they
7:06
they would just kind of flounder around on the ground
7:08
like a fish out of the water trying to get their pants off.
7:12
All right, Alan, what's your what's your phobia that you're you're giving people?
7:16
All right. So if I could make people afraid of something,
7:19
I would make them all afraid of their dads.
7:26
What if they don't have dads?
7:28
I don't know if they if they don't have dads.
7:31
I want them to be afraid of any kind of fatherly figure and grandfatherly figure,
7:36
a male figure that's been nice to him and given them praise.
7:39
I want them to fear that guy.
7:40
Yeah. So like if they're out like playing catch, all of a sudden they get that phobia.
7:44
Now it's just an angry man throwing a ball at them.
7:46
And I want I want them to run away. Yeah.
7:49
And you know why I want them to run away? Why?
7:51
I want to take their spot.
7:55
You want a father or you want to be their father?
7:57
Between lastly,
8:01
I want
8:03
I want to have the fatherly love that this person was being shown, shown to me.
8:08
Yeah. You between last week and this week, you are looking for a family.
8:14
What has happened? I'm looking.
8:16
It's been very dad heavy.
8:19
Dad's been out of the picture.
8:21
Yeah. What?
8:26
What do you want to do with the dads once you
8:29
once you make the phobia happen?
8:31
Like what? What? I want them to give me
8:35
the love and emotional support that I never received.
8:38
Do you kind of revert back to a childlike state
8:40
where maybe you're wearing kind of those overalls, but their shorts also?
8:45
So it depends on how much love I'm given.
8:48
If I'm if I'm given a lot of love, it makes me feel even more comfortable.
8:52
Yeah. And I do revert back to a childlike state.
8:56
So it's directly proportional with the love you're given.
8:58
That's correct. You're given a lot of love.
9:00
Alan's wearing diapers.
9:03
I'm out there playing with trains, you know, a giant lollipop,
9:06
one of those circular those hats with the blades on.
9:09
I turn into a cartoon kid. Yeah.
9:11
I'm like rolling around those tiny little cars that kids have.
9:17
You're still the same size. You are still the same size.
9:19
OK, you don't shrink. You just look like a child.
9:22
I'm wearing clothes that are made to to size for a child, but I just wear them.
9:34
Is this in the same neighborhood that everyone else is?
9:37
Oh, is this in the same neighborhood that Evan is in as the feral man?
9:43
Is it in that neighborhood?
9:45
Do we have a feral man and a child man?
9:47
Thankfully, no, I feel like there's only room enough in a neighborhood
9:50
for one person with with that weird of a quirk.
9:54
You know, what happens if you are in the same neighborhood
9:57
with somebody else with a quirk? Is it like a battle?
9:59
I feel like we fight for dominance.
10:02
They go to a cork off.
10:05
So if we were to hypothetically set up a fight between feral Evan
10:10
and baby Alan, who's winning that fight?
10:14
I'd say feral Evan all day.
10:15
Yes. I mean, he's fighting a child, you know.
10:20
So you don't have any kind of defenses?
10:23
I probably have one of those crudely made slingshots
10:27
that a kid would make.
10:30
That's probably my only defense.
10:32
Aside from aside for maybe my my dad, he might step in and, you know,
10:37
you do have a dad now. That is true.
10:39
He might save me from feral Evan, you know.
10:41
Yeah. He sends his dad like a Pokemon character.
10:44
He's like, go, go, dad.
10:48
All right, Evan, what are you making people afraid of?
10:51
I tried to go for something that would hit the most people,
10:53
but only the educated.
10:55
Oh, OK.
10:56
Because I want uneducated people.
10:58
They're they're not going to be able to do that.
11:01
They're uneducated people. They're they're already dumb.
11:03
So we just got to, you know, they got to be able to survive.
11:06
Even it up a little bit.
11:07
Yeah. Sure.
11:08
So I went with making people afraid to read.
11:12
OK.
11:15
So like the driving down the road, they see a billboard like, don't look.
11:21
I've heard your eyes from the words.
11:24
It's just a bunch of families like putting their hands over their eyes
11:27
while they're driving, going, don't look out here. Do it.
11:29
They can't even look at their own dashboard.
11:33
Like, you know, they kind of have a leg up because they were in a
11:37
they had a good upbringing where they were able to read.
11:39
Yeah. I mean, they had to read a privilege. Yeah.
11:43
So I'm trying to bring them back down and level them out with the rest of society.
11:47
The rest of us in this room can't read.
11:50
So you would want all of society, your end goal would be to make everybody illiterate.
11:55
I think that should be everybody's goal.
11:57
OK. OK. I think as a nation, we've gone too far as a nation, as a world, as a culture.
12:04
The human race has gone too far with reading.
12:08
Well, that's it. That's where it started.
12:09
Uh huh. Once we learned to read.
12:12
That's where we landed a man on the moon.
12:14
You don't land a man on the moon without reading.
12:16
Exactly. And then now we're destroying our ozone because we can read.
12:21
I mean, I think he does have a point.
12:23
I would say World War Two probably wouldn't have happened with a bunch of illiterates.
12:26
Exactly. It'd be very funny to have this phobia where you're trying to order food,
12:31
like at a McDonald's.
12:34
Just tell me what you have.
12:38
You're like, you're like, what would you like?
12:41
What would you like today?
12:42
And you're like sweating, like trying not to look up at the menu above the clerk.
12:47
Yeah. They're like, would you like to see a menu?
12:49
And you're like, God, no, no, no.
12:52
Just speak the words.
12:57
So in this society, what do you think about sign language?
13:01
Technically, they are reading hand movements.
13:03
That is true. Is this a loophole?
13:06
I think we could. I would be OK with.
13:08
I feel like it's a language, though. So, yeah, I mean,
13:11
I think it'd be fine because you can you can still speak. So
13:16
not very good.
13:17
I mean, you can speak.
13:18
You just wouldn't know how to read the words that you were seeing.
13:21
But I guess if you were, I don't know why you would need sign language,
13:24
if you could just talk about it, though.
13:26
So it's I'd be fine with it.
13:28
Some people sign language, Evan.
13:30
No, no, no.
13:31
There are you could speak, you know, there are deaf people out there still.
13:36
Are you planning on eradicating the deaf people as well as a very privileged guy?
13:40
I'm right here.
13:42
I'm fine with deaf people. Just learn how to talk.
13:46
That's the society we live in.
13:47
If you're going to be deaf, learn how to talk
13:50
or society we will live in. Yeah.
13:53
That's kind of cryptic and evil.
13:56
How long do you think it would take for us to crumble into that society?
13:59
If we're doing it well, then we're in there maybe six months.
14:03
Holy cow.
14:06
So I'm saying, Evan's very persuasive.
14:10
We're going to put out radio and television propaganda with no words on it.
14:14
Well, obviously.
14:15
And we're just going to speak out that words are evil.
14:18
So reading words on paper or any other media, you'll be like the devil reads.
14:29
Six months is very quick.
14:33
Where do you where do you believe in me?
14:35
What's with the mistrust here?
14:37
Oh, I believe in you.
14:38
I you have a look in your eye right now that says society will never be the same.
14:43
What I kind of do worry is this is going to give the blind a leg up, I think.
14:49
That is true. The blind might start.
14:51
They're going to become more powerful, I think.
14:55
Too powerful, probably.
15:04
Alan has always Alan has always believed
15:07
that the blind have too much.
15:13
That's something he's always he's always been about.
15:16
He's always said that he would rather be blind than deaf.
15:19
He said he hates deaf people.
15:21
So the blind are like a like a savior.
15:25
Yeah. You know, he thinks they're they're the next race.
15:29
Next great race.
15:30
Alan walks into a room and goes, turn off the lights.
15:32
I want to pretend I'm blind.
15:34
A lot of room darkening curtains.
15:39
I do sleep with a blindfold on my on my head.
15:45
A lot of all coming.
15:47
It's all coming to light.
15:48
A lot of disabled talk today on this one.
15:50
Hey, we know our market.
15:54
If you could start a secret society, what would be its goals and purpose?
16:00
Well, you know, as the leaders that we are,
16:02
I would start a secret society based around the market of socks.
16:08
We would be called the puppet masters.
16:11
And what we would do in the secret society is wear the robes
16:14
in a dark room with a fire in the middle.
16:17
But you can only talk if you have a sock on your hand.
16:20
And that's how we communicate to each other.
16:24
And then out in public, if you are sign is just a hand raised in the air
16:29
and just pinching your fingers together as if you're sock.
16:32
But if somebody gives you the signal back, you know that you are the secret society.
16:37
But basically we will control the sock market.
16:43
And if you have that market corner, you got the rest.
16:48
Everybody knows that we will first deplete.
16:53
We'll deplete the sock market so nobody has socks, but slowly
16:56
we will reintroduce socks to the market.
16:59
So now they are like a sock market crash.
17:02
It will be a sock market crash. Exactly.
17:04
That's how we phrased it in the secret society.
17:06
But basically socks will be the biggest commodity that you can own.
17:11
They become their value increases tremendously. Right.
17:15
So now we sell them at 10 times the price.
17:19
If you have socks, you are the elite class.
17:23
Poor people, poor people will look around and see these people
17:26
with two big white tube socks and go, all I want to be is these people.
17:31
One question I do have. Yes.
17:33
In your secret society meetings and even whenever you're out in public,
17:36
do you not have to like dive behind a wall so people can't see your body
17:40
and you just stick your puppet up over the wall?
17:43
So you only communicate through the puppets?
17:45
You were saying that you just do your hand in that crab pincher like motion,
17:50
but you have your sock on your hand when you do that, or is it just your hand?
17:54
No, I feel like if you have a sock on your hand, it gives it too much away.
17:57
So like, let's just say me and Evan are secret society members,
18:02
you know, the puppet masters, and we're kind of on the street at the same time.
18:08
I don't know. He looks familiar from, you know, he has clothes on on the street.
18:13
In the secret society, we don't have clothes on.
18:14
So I really only. Yeah. So I can only.
18:17
I can only recognize him without clothes on.
18:23
So I go, I think I recognize him, but he has clothes on.
18:26
So I throw up a hand and I do a little pincer motion.
18:30
And if he gives it back to me, I know it.
18:32
But if I had a sock on, I feel like it'd be too obvious to people.
18:35
You know, so when you guys get down in the in the cavern that you're
18:39
that you're in with the fire and the robes and you're having your secret
18:42
sock meeting, yeah, we don't have anything under the robes.
18:48
I see. OK. Just a little bit more modest.
18:51
So when you guys get down there and you put the socks on your hands,
18:54
do these socks have faces?
18:56
Do you put like a little googly? Oh, absolutely. Yeah.
18:58
OK. They're they're our more powerful spirit, the more powerful part of ourselves.
19:03
Well, you know, we've transcended just our bodies.
19:06
And now we we speak through our power for power, powerful self. Powerful.
19:11
Powerful. Powerful self.
19:14
We we don't say ours in the secret society.
19:17
We're powerful. And it's a secret society.
19:22
Where's your song?
19:27
Can we why to twain?
19:32
So once you start selling the socks again, right, you're you've already.
19:37
We've crashed the stock market, crashed the stock market.
19:40
Do you have anyone that, you know, you use like he's a model for your company?
19:45
So someone you use in advertisements to really get the word out about your product.
19:49
Someone like the Fonz.
19:50
So, you know, once you start selling these these socks again, you could say,
19:56
yeah, we're just trying to sell out all our socks and Fonz.
20:03
Evan, do you want to be hired as our marketing consultant?
20:05
I think I think I really got a.
20:07
You brought it home.
20:08
I was wondering where it was going, but you brought it home.
20:11
We'll change the name sitting on the dock in the bay song, and that'll be our
20:17
it'll be sitting on the sock in the bay.
20:20
We'll use that as our marketing song.
20:22
Whenever you guys have a there's a problem that came up.
20:25
They threw a socket wrench into it.
20:33
All right, Evan, do you have a secret society you you want to implement?
20:36
Well, my idea was going to be
20:41
like harnessing natural gas and gas that's pumped through your pipes to fight crime.
20:46
So we would just reroute the gas from everybody's homes.
20:51
And any time anyone is trying to like break into your house,
20:54
you just have like a little gas pipe right there sitting by your front door
20:58
and just shoots flames into them.
21:00
OK, maybe it implodes your entire house.
21:04
But we don't want to think about that.
21:05
We're just really trying to save your house from this this robbery.
21:09
And we can, you know, route them throughout the city.
21:12
So any time anyone's like stealing a car, you just light up that block.
21:17
Wow. So your secret society is just causing a bunch of explosion.
21:21
Vigilante, vigilante explosion.
21:23
And and save the city is the purpose of the society
21:27
to like actually save people from robberies or is it to blow up things?
21:32
I feel like his and Alan, you can speak on this with me.
21:36
I feel like saving you from robbery is just a cover up for a more secret.
21:41
Yeah, for sure.
21:42
It's like how Batman's trying to always clean up the city.
21:45
But you know, he kind of likes beating up people.
21:49
I mean, it doesn't hurt like is there a limit to how many people can be
21:53
in the society, you know, to keep it secret?
21:55
No, no. I mean, we let the whole city in like maybe the mayor,
21:58
even if he's if he's on board.
22:00
Well, you want to get the high government.
22:01
Yeah, I feel like you say that like most secret societies
22:04
don't have the most powerful people in it.
22:06
We would start with the mayor.
22:08
Yeah. Tell me.
22:09
Fire chief would be.
22:12
Yeah, you got to get that guy in there.
22:14
What are a couple of weird celebrities you would you would want
22:17
in your secret society to kind of have your back?
22:20
A couple of those guys from 9-11.
22:24
Not like like the firefighters.
22:27
You would want the firefighters.
22:28
I think it'd be hard to get the guys that ran the planes into the building.
22:32
They're out of commission.
22:33
Now, the firefighters that went in and rescued people from.
22:37
It's a very noble secret society you had.
22:39
Yeah, I mean, we're going to start all these fires.
22:42
So we got to have somebody to clean them up.
22:44
So I just think I'm trying to get the best firefighters in the world,
22:47
all my team.
22:49
And so I could kind of, you know, get away with it, you know,
22:52
because who's going to stop you first would be the firefighters.
22:55
They don't want these fires going on.
22:57
So if you can get them on your side and get them to realize why you're doing it.
23:01
Let's say Alan's a firefighter and you're you're pitching your idea.
23:05
How are you convincing him this is a good idea?
23:08
Have you ever had your car stolen?
23:09
I have. I have not.
23:10
But for the for the exercise's sake, sure. Yeah.
23:13
Have you ever been robbed?
23:16
Yeah. Did you like it?
23:19
No.
23:20
How do you feel about natural gas?
23:29
Good little lightheaded.
23:33
Depends on how fast I have it.
23:37
Well, what if I say that I could stop all crime
23:41
in a four block radius with a little natural gas and a little bit of pride?
23:47
I'd say what do you need me to do?
23:50
You got him. You got him.
23:51
That was it. That's all it took.
23:53
I told you they know I know what they want.
23:56
He does. He knows what the people want.
23:58
So like you tell the people with this installed,
24:01
let the gas run for a little bit, fill it, make it fill up your house.
24:05
So you have mostly mostly natural gas in your house.
24:09
If you're feeling lightheaded, you haven't gone far enough.
24:12
Yeah. And then what you do is somebody breaks a window.
24:20
They go, oh, shoot.
24:21
They take out a lot of.
24:27
And then you and three, your neighbors
24:31
no longer have houses.
24:34
Or consciousness.
24:38
Yeah. But you're like,
24:40
everybody's like mourning those neighbors and you were like,
24:42
they at least got the robber.
24:46
One less robbery that happened in my.
24:48
Four less good people.
24:52
They were a necessary sacrifice.
24:57
Instead of instead of Evan, his vigilante meeting with the police chief,
25:00
he meets with the fire chief, like Commissioner Gordon.
25:03
Yeah.
25:04
They send up the flame signal.
25:09
I don't think that secret society would flame out.
25:17
I think people got on fire for it.
25:19
Yeah. All right, Alan.
25:22
What is your secret society?
25:24
All right. My secret society would be a group of people
25:27
going around stealing manhole covers.
25:30
Is there a purpose or you just kind of there is a purpose.
25:33
Uh, this group, you call them warriors, I think.
25:37
Yeah, we take the manhole covers, melt them down into armor.
25:43
OK. And we wear the armor.
25:48
There's there's been a long, long standing war going on
25:53
between my secret society
25:57
and the flat earthers.
26:00
Yeah. Yeah.
26:01
Why?
26:04
Because they want to say the earth is flat, but we know it's not.
26:09
We've been in the tunnels below.
26:13
We know this thing is round.
26:16
We. We wear the manhole covers as our armor.
26:25
So there's unbeknownst to the truth,
26:28
unbeknownst to the general population.
26:33
In the dark, in the secret, there is a war going on,
26:36
raging, a raging war between a flat earth society
26:42
and a manhole cover society.
26:45
What are we calling this?
26:47
The manholders.
26:50
Sounds like a gay bar.
26:53
The manholders.
26:59
But it's interesting that they name their secret society
27:01
based completely off what they wear rather than their main goal.
27:06
Well, have you heard of them before?
27:09
No, no, I haven't.
27:10
I have not. They're doing their job.
27:12
I never said they weren't secret.
27:15
I just said it's interesting that you all didn't name it off after your main goal.
27:20
How many how many flat earthers do you know?
27:22
Um, I think Evan's one at least one.
27:25
Just hadn't gotten to him yet, I guess. Yeah.
27:28
Apparently, Evan isn't the hostile flat earther involved in this fight.
27:33
I'm sure that they have
27:35
they have certain sex that are more they have sex.
27:40
Rageous.
27:44
This is this is now an orgy society.
27:47
Is that where we're getting here?
27:50
Different sex. So now.
27:52
So the manholders, not only do they fight hard, but they party hard to
28:01
the manholders held liable for any of the flat tires
28:05
that come from missing men.
28:07
What we say about that is small price to pay.
28:11
We are going to crack a few eggs and make an omelet.
28:14
Yeah, that is correct.
28:16
That happens to be gam gam.
28:17
We couldn't we couldn't fight these flat earthers if we weren't properly armed.
28:21
That's true.
28:22
Are you sure you're fighting the flat earthers or the flat tireers?
28:26
Because they seem to be really pissed off at you, too.
28:30
All these people with flat tires.
28:31
I have heard of the flat tires, the secret society.
28:35
I may have misread something.
28:39
And we may have inadvertently created the society that we fight.
28:44
Yeah, you are your own worst enemy.
28:48
We thought we were fighting the flat earthers.
28:51
It's like Desert Storm all over.
28:56
But in turn, we're actually fighting the society that we created
29:00
because of us stealing manhole covers.
29:03
Man, I think, you know, moral of the story, look inwardly, you know,
29:07
maybe you are your own worst enemy or creating your worst enemy.
29:10
That is true. Take the log out of your own eye.
29:13
Mm hmm. Yeah. Are you going to maybe try to call for a truce now
29:16
that you realize that your own doing was?
29:20
Be honest. I think we're in it too far.
29:22
Yeah, that's too deep.
29:23
I we have got we have got people so committed to the calls.
29:29
I think once you're in, you're in you.
29:32
There there's no there's no going back now.
29:34
Yeah. All these people know is manhole.
29:36
I mean, I'm sure they're
29:39
they couldn't survive a normal society.
29:41
They wouldn't know what to do.
29:42
Like so Alan, how many people have been lost in this war thus far?
29:49
We are so secret that we don't even disclose the numbers.
29:52
So you can't tell us over everybody.
29:55
A recorded mic given a different number.
29:57
And of course, I can't say it on air.
29:59
I mean, there are at least six people listening to this.
30:04
I cannot say this on air.
30:06
It would balloon very quickly.
30:07
Each person is given a different number.
30:10
Let's say hypothetically, of course, one person believes we've only lost one soldier.
30:14
Yeah, that guy's like, what's even the issue here?
30:16
What's the one person?
30:17
His neighbor believes we've lost 10,000.
30:20
Gosh. OK, yeah, we fight a lot. Yeah.
30:23
But again, that is hypothetical.
30:25
I'm not allowed to disclose any information about the manholders.
30:28
Do you know when you say lost?
30:31
Do you mean like lost in the tunnels or like?
30:33
Oh, it's a good point.
30:35
Do you lose a lot of people like where's Jim?
30:38
There are miles of unused tunnels in the United States alone.
30:44
We've lost many soldiers down there.
30:47
We have hired cartographers.
30:49
We've lost them, too.
30:50
It's dark down there.
30:52
It is dark down there.
30:54
See, there's probably a whole nother secret society of just more people.
30:57
That's yeah. Yeah.
30:58
How are you supposed to keep up with them?
31:00
Somehow, Allen has inadvertently probably caused two secret societies
31:05
on top of his own. Yeah.
31:07
I think the world should have more secret societies.
31:09
Hmm. That is something.
31:11
And if and if I can, if I can bring a smile to someone's face
31:16
and put an end to flat earthers.
31:18
Oh, you actually hate flat earthers.
31:21
He realizes that he has not been fighting them, but still hates them.
31:25
Do you do believe the earth is round or do you believe another sort of like
31:29
a pyramid shape? Oh, I think the USA at the point of the pyramid,
31:33
obviously, were the top. Yeah, that makes sense.
31:36
You're really high.
31:37
That makes sense. Pretty cool. Yeah.
31:40
All right.
31:42
Our next hypothetical.
31:44
Now, you don't need a cape to be a superhero.
31:47
You don't need to fight crime.
31:49
You don't need to fight crime by blowing up people's houses.
31:53
You could, though. Yeah.
31:54
But if you were to have a superpower,
31:58
what superpower would you all have?
32:00
Me personally, I've thought a lot about this.
32:02
Like, it keeps me up at night.
32:04
But I think the most beneficial superpower to have as a human being
32:08
would be to be able to produce milk at a moment's notice.
32:19
OK, that's pretty cool.
32:21
Alan, do you have any follow up questions to Evan here?
32:24
I have a couple. I have a couple. One hundred percent. Yeah.
32:28
Let me hear. I'm here to answer any questions you may have.
32:31
So most mammals, they they produce milk with the help of udders.
32:36
OK. Do you just have a lot of udders?
32:38
Yeah, that was my first question. How do you produce the milk?
32:41
Well, I mean, it gets created in your body, obviously.
32:44
But the way it comes out, if that's what you're asking.
32:48
That is exactly what we're asking.
32:49
They'll come out of the tip of your nose.
32:51
You know, the milk is stored in the chest of your body,
32:54
in like your chest area, obviously, and the tubes run up through your head
32:58
and out your nose.
33:01
OK, that's better.
33:01
I was imagining you being a male with just two udders side by side.
33:07
I'm not a woman.
33:09
Well, that's better than what I was thinking.
33:11
I was thinking of your body is just covered in udders.
33:16
Oh, that sounds terrifying.
33:20
Well, yeah, yeah, very frightening.
33:24
I hate that you got that picture.
33:26
That's not what I'm about.
33:28
Oh, I was also imagining maybe doesn't have udders,
33:32
but it secretes out like sweat.
33:35
Yeah. You're just you're just kind of sweating milk.
33:38
Yeah. And at the end of the day, I just kind of hang upside down
33:41
and it always kind of drips from my head. Yeah.
33:43
That's how I collect it.
33:44
So however you decide that you want to excrete this milk,
33:49
how do you fight crime with it?
33:50
I wouldn't I wouldn't say I fight crime at all.
33:53
I'm more of a nurturing superhero.
33:56
So I'm more of a once people get down bad,
34:00
then I'm there to kind of scoop them up, heal their wounds by giving them milk
34:05
on a hot day.
34:07
Just out of your nose.
34:13
They're just out there sweating.
34:16
They're hot.
34:17
It's been a long day.
34:19
And they're like, man, I could really use some milk right now,
34:22
as most people do say.
34:23
And I hear that and I come swooping down the road in my Vespa.
34:29
And I'm just I whip it over onto the sidewalk where they're standing.
34:34
Maybe they're walking with a limp because they've been in a fight all day.
34:36
Yeah. Yeah.
34:37
And they're on their way home from the fight, about to take a long shower.
34:41
And I'm just like, huh, got milk.
34:45
And they're like, I would love some.
34:48
They just walk up to me and start just suckling on my nose.
34:52
Oh, they drink it straight from the from the tap.
34:57
I thought maybe it might have been like a hose situation where you.
35:01
I don't know what I expected.
35:04
He's driving a Vespa.
35:05
He obviously didn't bottle this stuff and carry it with him.
35:11
I just imagine Evan walks around like some sort of slug
35:14
and just kind of leaves a trail of milk behind him.
35:17
No, they like it the freshest straight from the source.
35:20
Do you remember Avengers endgame at the end of the movie after Tony Stark dies?
35:24
And it's sad and every.
35:26
Yeah. After everybody is kind of recuperating out in the battlefield.
35:31
I can just imagine Evan kind of walking around being like, here you go.
35:36
He kind of honks at the nose and feeds people like a bird.
35:40
But he sounds like a carnival barker and he's like, milk here.
35:43
I got your milk.
35:44
Milk straight from the sauce.
35:47
And it's not cold milk, is it?
35:48
It's like body temperature, body temperature, temperature milk.
35:54
You would have a bunch of people tired from the fight, but also puking
36:00
so much if they're lucky enough.
36:02
I don't know why you're acting like that's an issue.
36:08
Oh, that's great to me.
36:10
That is gross. It's a gross super power.
36:15
All right, Zach. So what's your superpower?
36:18
Like I mentioned earlier, I mentioned Avengers.
36:20
You know, a lot of these superpowers are very aggressive, strong,
36:26
you know, can fly very dramatic.
36:30
Well, I'm like, I don't want that. That's too easy.
36:33
But then I was like, I don't want to be passive either
36:35
because then you don't get anything done.
36:37
There's a happy middle ground between there.
36:40
I'm going to be a superhero that just does passive aggressive comments
36:44
the entire time. OK.
36:46
So imagine there's a robbery at a bank.
36:49
I walk in, lean up against the wall and I say,
36:53
you worked really hard to get that done, didn't you?
36:57
I bet this was tough for you.
37:01
And the robbers are standing there like kind of slowly working
37:04
a self-esteem a little bit.
37:07
I say, you don't sweat much for a fat girl, do you?
37:12
Oh, did you plan this or you just going off the fly?
37:15
Didn't learn this in college, did you?
37:20
I say, you did a lot better than I thought you would.
37:25
Where does this eventually lead the robber?
37:28
Well, I think like, you know, robbers only human, you know,
37:32
eventually he would start crying.
37:34
Eventually he would his self-confidence, self-esteem would be broken,
37:39
be shattered. He drops the million dollars of coins
37:44
that I assume is in a bank.
37:46
Did he rob Scrooge McDuck?
37:50
Yeah, yeah, he robbed. He robbed Scrooge McDuck.
37:53
What? He robbed a dragon?
37:54
He robbed a pot of gold?
37:56
He robbed a pot of gold?
38:00
I am, when I said human, I meant hobbit.
38:05
This hobbit will eventually break down and start crying,
38:08
drop all the stuff he's stealing and run off.
38:11
And all of a sudden I'm heralded as a hero.
38:13
Would you say you're a less cool Iron Man?
38:17
Like a bronze man?
38:20
Tin foil man?
38:22
Aluminum man?
38:23
See, that would have hurt my feelings.
38:28
I don't like this.
38:29
I don't know what it's like to be a robber on the other end of my passive aggressive comments.
38:33
Brings back what we said earlier.
38:35
If you love what you do, you never work a day in your life.
38:37
Exactly. I never do work. I'm unemployed.
38:41
100 percent.
38:42
Because I got fired because I told my boss,
38:46
you remind me of me when I was young and dumb.
38:49
Alright, Alan, what's your superpower?
38:54
Alright, my superpower is that I have frog legs.
39:00
I'm sort of a half frog, half man kind of thing.
39:05
Is that a superpower or just kind of a weird scientific experiment gone wrong?
39:11
I think it's pretty super.
39:12
Do the frog legs work or are you just weirdly dragging yourself by your arm
39:16
with gross nasty wet frog legs dragging behind you?
39:18
So what it is, is I still have two regular human legs.
39:26
Oh, God.
39:30
It's grosser than mine.
39:33
Where do the frog legs come off your body?
39:35
They come off sort of at the hips.
39:40
And they just kind of walk alongside my regular legs.
39:43
So are your regular human legs just dangling between your frog legs as you walk?
39:49
They walk. They go through the motion of walking,
39:53
but they're never really touching the ground.
39:57
The frog legs really do all the walking.
40:00
Yeah, sure.
40:01
And now sometimes if I want to give my legs the exercise,
40:03
I'll take the frog legs and just kind of fold them up behind my back
40:06
and then walk on my human legs.
40:08
Okay, that makes sense.
40:09
So I don't get atrophied and whatnot.
40:10
I'm doing this to stop crime.
40:13
Sure. And how do you stop crime with an extra pair of frog legs coming off your hips?
40:18
If I see some character doing a villainous thing
40:21
and I see him running past me, I just slide a frog leg out and trip him.
40:25
You could do that with a regular leg.
40:28
You could do that with a regular leg.
40:30
It's just easier.
40:33
Why does that have to be a frog leg?
40:35
Like in terms of like a horse leg.
40:37
That's not what I was born with.
40:42
If I had a horse leg, don't you think I'd be using it?
40:44
Sure. I guess.
40:47
One of the top legs.
40:50
Wait, you have frog legs and you're still not content?
40:52
You would rather have horse legs?
40:56
Look, if I'm going to get a leg, if I'm picking, I would say horses at the top.
41:01
Maybe a bear leg.
41:03
Evan, did you know that there's a tier for legs that you might want to have extra on your body?
41:08
Well, me and Alan have been through this for a couple of times
41:11
because he's been complaining about his frog legs for a while now.
41:14
And so we kind of went through and Alan, I don't know if you want to give a top three that we decided on.
41:19
Yeah, I think the first is probably the grizzly bear.
41:25
I prefer those legs.
41:28
That is a strong, strong paw.
41:30
Do you keep the hair or do you weirdly shave off the hair so it's a nasty, hairless leg?
41:36
I keep the hair for warmth.
41:38
That's what I was going to say, insulation.
41:40
I would think leg number two, the octopus.
41:44
Okay.
41:46
Suction can wrap around things.
41:48
You've got suction, you've got versatility.
41:50
I mean, that thing can slide into anything.
41:52
I mean, just anything.
41:57
You said anything?
41:58
A pipe, anything.
42:00
A cabinet, anything.
42:03
Okay, we can stop there.
42:10
Okay, so one more thing that we decided on.
42:15
You got a vase, anything.
42:18
I think it can go in the vase.
42:20
So that is very cool and I am really sorry for your plight for not having all these extra limbs.
42:26
But you are blessed or cursed with frog legs.
42:30
Can you hop high with frog legs or are they just kind of weirdly just for tripping?
42:35
Yeah, it seems like they would be specially made for you to be able to jump.
42:38
I can hop, but I can only hop probably about a foot higher than I can jump.
42:44
They're very weak frog legs.
42:46
They're not very useful for jumping.
42:49
If you had to pick a species of frog.
42:52
The poison dart frog.
42:54
Do you have poison involved with these legs?
42:56
Yes.
42:57
Oh, okay.
42:58
I guess that's why I tripped them so we can get the poison.
43:00
Oh, so they actually do die.
43:01
I thought you just gave them the flu.
43:02
No, no, no, no, no.
43:05
That would be like COVID-19 all on his legs.
43:08
That would be like...
43:10
He just has gross frog legs that he hasn't washed.
43:14
This is a biohazard.
43:19
Oh, shoot.
43:21
Well, all right, boys, so to make money, to keep the lights on, we have some ads.
43:26
You all want to make some money?
43:29
Want a break from the ads?
43:31
No!
43:37
This episode is also brought to you in part by Doggy Style.
43:41
Are you a lonely man looking for a woman?
43:44
Do most of the women you encounter have dogs?
43:50
Doggy Style is a dog rental service.
43:54
We cater to the lonely soul looking to go out on dates with women that have dogs.
43:59
Well, here at Doggy Style, we're here to help.
44:02
Here at Doggy Style, we have a well-trained staff of human beings dressed up in dog costumes to aid you in your dates.
44:11
You ever go to the park, see couples having dog dates, and you think, I want that?
44:16
Yeah, you do.
44:17
Called Doggy Style, we will send out a human being dressed up as a dog to aid in all your doggy date needs.
44:28
This episode is brought to you by Doggy Style.
44:30
Are you in a position where you don't have a canine?
44:35
Do you need a canine to help you out in social situations?
44:40
Well, called Doggy Style, we will send a well-trained, well-built individual dressed up as a dog to pretend to be your dog in these social situations.
44:52
Never go into a social situation without Doggy Style.
44:57
This episode is also brought to you by Doggy Style.
45:01
Are you a lonely person that can't get a date because all your dates have dogs and you can't ever get them to leave their house without their dang dog?
45:11
Do you ever not want to take care of a dog, but you need one for a date to get the dang dog person out?
45:19
That's where Doggy Style comes into play.
45:21
Don't think about the stress of long-term ownership of a dog.
45:25
Rent a person dressed as a dog from Doggy Style and bring them out on your doggy dates.
45:30
Get a little weird with the other dog.
45:32
And while we're getting weird with the dogs, you can get weird with the person.
45:36
And really get to know them.
45:38
And we'll get to know the dogs for you.
45:40
And we'll give you a report back saying, hey, that dog's cool. That dog's chill.
45:45
That dog, he's been eating good.
45:50
She feeds him good.
45:53
You can eat good too.
45:55
And then we'll be done. The date's done. I'm gone.
46:03
You never have to worry about having a dog again.
46:05
Use Doggy Style for that.
46:08
This episode is also brought to you by Euthanized.
46:11
Do you have an old person that lives around you?
46:14
Are they old and decrepit and falling apart?
46:18
Euthanize them.
46:20
Here at Euthanized, we make your old people seem young again.
46:25
We make them seem like youth.
46:28
We'll give them activities.
46:30
We'll give them clothes to make them more like a youth.
46:34
So if you ever see your grandparent being old and gross, go ahead and Euthanize her.
46:41
Call today.
46:43
This episode is also brought to you in part by Euthanized.
46:53
Have you ever been talking to an old person and it just seems like you're speaking a completely different language?
46:59
You're talking about typewriters going to school uphill both ways.
47:06
The Revolutionary War. You can't relate.
47:11
Here at Euthanized, we sit your old folks down.
47:16
We learn them a thing or two about the youth culture.
47:19
Soon, you'll be talking to them like you're talking to your old boys at the bar.
47:25
Euthanized.
47:28
Your old boys at the bar.
47:34
This episode is also brought to you by Euthanized.
47:37
Are you sick of your grandparents' house just smelling like mothballs and rot and decay and just death?
47:45
Well, let's Euthanize those people.
47:47
Let's get them out of here.
47:48
Kill them.
47:50
Like if it's lost track of what this is.
47:54
In a cultural sense, let's kill them.
47:56
Let's kill their generation.
47:57
Cull them from this earth.
48:00
Culturally.
48:01
And what we're going to do, we're going to dress them up in Gen Z millennial clothing.
48:07
Get that rotting smell out of there.
48:10
Get them some Victoria's Secret perfumes and some Ariana Grande's.
48:14
And really just spruce them up a little bit.
48:17
What are the kids wearing these days?
48:19
They got them high pump shoes and highfalutin little crop tops they're wearing every day.
48:25
Let's put that on your grandmother.
48:27
See how she likes it.
48:29
Let her wear it around.
48:31
Euthanize her.
48:32
Euthanize your grandmother.
48:33
Euthanize your grandmother.
48:39
I really know a lot about perfume.
48:41
Yeah, there's a lot of perfume talking about.
48:44
This episode is also brought to you by Blinds.
48:47
Death isn't the only thing you should be scared of.
48:49
So is the darkness.
48:52
Is your room too dark when you walk into it?
48:55
Even during the middle of the day?
48:56
You can't get enough sunlight in your room or you just have regular windows with regular blinds on them.
49:03
No, that's not what you want.
49:05
You want all the light you can get.
49:07
Here at Blinds, we fashion magnifying glasses on ropes.
49:11
Just a smorgasbord of magnifying glasses of different sizes, different colors, different shapes.
49:17
And we hang them in front of your windows.
49:21
We tear out your regular blinds and we put in blinds blinds.
49:24
Now these magnifying glasses, when the sun hits them just right, it's going to engulf your room in light and heat.
49:30
And just make sure you have your home insurance up to date.
49:35
But this will flood your room with lights.
49:38
And heck, if you're scared of the dark, maybe you don't want to go in that room anymore just because you might.
49:44
Heck, you might be blind for the rest of your life if you go in there.
49:47
It'll cook meat for you.
49:52
Get you a wall of meat.
49:56
Put it on the wall, see if it cooks it for you.
50:00
You know, like a nice medium rare.
50:02
It kind of meats you.
50:05
How do you cook your meat, huh?
50:06
You cook it on a grill?
50:08
No more.
50:09
Blinds.
50:10
You'll cook them with blinds.
50:13
Get some blinds.
50:16
This episode is also brought to you by Blinds.
50:20
Do you walk into your house and you feel like Helen Keller?
50:24
Is it too dark even when the sun is high in the sky?
50:29
Well, no more.
50:30
Order Blinds.
50:32
We'll come in with our patented design of magnifying glasses on a net.
50:37
And those magnifying glasses will hang over your windows in your house, cascading light into your room.
50:46
Sure, you might accidentally kill your family pet.
50:50
But at least your house will be well lit and well warmed.
50:55
Probably should wear sunglasses because you won't have corneas anymore.
51:01
Call Blinds today and light your house well.
51:06
Light your house on fire.
51:11
This episode is also brought to you in part by Blinds.
51:15
Are you one of those people that can't stand electricity but still want to be able to see in your home?
51:22
You don't want to have ceiling lights or fans.
51:27
But you still want to have weird parts of your room lit while the rest of it is dark.
51:33
Well, here at Blinds, we hang a series of magnifying glasses scattered around your room from the ceiling,
51:41
providing light and some heat in random parts of your room that don't make sense.
51:51
You want light on the corners where your baseboards meet?
51:55
Call Blinds.
51:57
We'll put light there.
52:02
And finally, this episode is brought to you by Cruising For A Snoozing.
52:07
Do you drive long distances and wish you could fall asleep at the wheel?
52:12
Do you find that to be too dangerous because you are a responsible citizen?
52:16
We'll call Cruising For A Snoozing.
52:18
We'll send out Jesus.
52:21
And what he'll do is hold the wheel while you sleep in the driver's seat.
52:26
Get to where you're going in comfort and be refreshed when you get there.
52:31
All you have to do is call 1-800-HESOOSTAKETHEWHEEL.
52:35
And we'll pick up and send you Jesus who will let you sleep while you drive.
52:42
Don't kill an entire family in a minivan the next time you fall asleep at the wheel.
52:47
Call Cruising For A Snoozing.
52:50
Such a long phone number.
52:52
Jesus Take The Wheel.
52:54
Jesus Take The Wheel.
52:58
This episode is also brought to you in part by Cruising For A Snoozing.
53:04
Do you ever take long road trips?
53:06
You get a couple hours in and get a little tired.
53:09
Bags under your eyes, eyes feeling a little heavy?
53:12
Well here at Cruising For A Snoozing we send Jesus on the trip with you.
53:18
When you decide it's time to go to sleep, Jesus will puppeteer you like you're a little marionette.
53:25
He'll grab hold of your limp body with a series of ropes and pulleys.
53:30
He'll guide you to your destination.
53:34
Is it safer than falling asleep at the wheel?
53:37
Who's to say?
53:39
Call Cruising For A Snoozing today.
53:43
Oh Alan, I drove so long I wish I could have slept at the wheel.
53:49
Is this ever you?
53:51
Do you ever go on long road trips and you get to your destination and you're just wiped out?
53:57
You feel like you could have slept that eight hours you were on that road trip.
54:01
Nine hours, twelve hours.
54:03
How long were you on a road trip?
54:05
You probably don't even remember because you've been driving for so long.
54:07
So call us. Call Jesus. Call Cruising For A Snoozing.
54:14
We'll hook you up real good.
54:16
A little local artist named Jesus will come out.
54:19
He will just take over your limp body, your body that has no form once you've fallen asleep.
54:27
And he will use you as the driving instrument for this vehicle.
54:32
He will tie a series of poles, pulleys, and ropes to your limbs.
54:40
He will fashion a long but sturdy pole that will press the gas and brake not simultaneously.
54:49
He will not spin out your car. We've had issues with that in the past but we are over it.
54:55
Jesus will take you to where you need to be, whether that's heaven or your destination.
55:03
Trust Jesus. Let Jesus take the wheel.
55:06
Use Cruising For A Snoozing. Thank you.
55:09
Alright boys, so we've lived a long time, a lot of life experiences.
55:13
We've hit the mountain peaks and we've traveled through the valleys.
55:17
We've succeeded and we have failed.
55:19
And because of that, we are very wise.
55:23
So I think what we could do to really benefit society is help people with life, with their lives.
55:29
So we have a few people that have written in to us that have emailed in asking,
55:33
hey, can you help me with my life situation?
55:36
What can I do? I want to do a nice thing for you.
55:41
I need help.
55:42
So Matthew wrote in with a title, should I reach back out to my potential employer?
55:48
In the body of the email he says, I interviewed for a job in December and didn't get it.
55:52
In January, one of the interviewers who was not the one hiring for the December interview,
55:57
reached out saying they wanted to hire me for a similar position and asked if I would be interested.
56:02
I said I would and he said he would need to figure out if I needed to re-interview or not.
56:08
It's been a month and I haven't heard from him.
56:10
I was thinking about shooting him a text because he texted previously saying something along the lines of,
56:15
hi, I just wanted to touch base and see if you needed anything from me.
56:19
But it feels like I should wait on him to reach back out.
56:22
Should I contact him? And if so, what should I say?
56:25
So jobs are very important.
56:27
This guy is getting interviewed for a job and his employer hasn't reached out.
56:30
Do you all have any advice to him? Maybe what he can do?
56:34
I'd say first off, I'd like to thank Matthew for emailing in.
56:39
Really brave.
56:41
Yeah, it takes a lot of guts. Moxie to email in and ask for help.
56:47
Three macho men.
56:49
Three macho men.
56:50
And somebody that we've always been called back from an employer.
56:53
We've never been in this situation. We get hired immediately.
56:57
So what I'd say probably to Matthew, I would say reach out to him, but don't do it the traditional way.
57:03
Not by text you're saying.
57:05
No, no, no, no. Send him first of facts.
57:09
They say it's an outdated communication, but say simply see you soon.
57:14
Yeah. Should he put his name on the facts or like should?
57:19
I would say no. It builds up more suspense if he doesn't.
57:23
And what interviewers are looking for for businesses is suspense.
57:27
Keep him on their toes.
57:28
I'm on the same page as Alan here, but I do think he should reach back out to the interviewer.
57:34
You don't want it to go on too long without him hearing from you.
57:37
I would do similar to Alan, but I would send up a plane with a banner behind it that you see on the beach.
57:43
And just have like an advertisement that says dear job, dear interviewer, whichever one you want to call it.
57:50
Matthew didn't learn his name, so maybe he would say just dear interviewer.
57:53
Dear interviewer, call me.
57:56
But the only banner he could find was from a restaurant, so the other side says two for one crab legs.
58:04
Joe's crab legs.
58:08
And for me, Matthew, I think you should definitely reach out to him.
58:11
You know, you don't want these to go on for too long without communication because it also shows that you are invested in this job.
58:18
You want the job and you know that you take it seriously.
58:21
So to show him that you take it seriously, I say show up to his house.
58:24
Yeah, I say show up to his house after dark.
58:27
Look through his windows.
58:28
Make sure he is who he says he is.
58:31
For one, you don't want to work for somebody that isn't who he says he is.
58:34
You want to show up to the house, look through windows, climb into their attic, eat stuff out of the refrigerator.
58:41
Wake up his kids.
58:43
Just really get to know them.
58:47
Have a powwow.
58:48
I'd say I'd say take something you learned about this guy from the from the interview and try and relate to him when you show up to his house.
58:55
So let's say maybe the guy wore shirt to the interview.
58:59
You show up to his house.
59:02
Do they often not Allen?
59:04
Depends on the job, I think.
59:05
Yeah, I guess.
59:06
It's a surfer.
59:07
Trying to be a lifeguard, you know.
59:10
Are you selling them shirts?
59:11
You're just trying to bond with him.
59:13
You saw him wearing a shirt.
59:14
You're wearing a shirt, probably.
59:15
Point it out to him, brag about it.
59:17
Look at this shirt I'm wearing.
59:18
You're trying to you're trying to get to some some common ground.
59:22
I agree.
59:23
That's great advice.
59:25
So, Matthew, there's there's three great options for you.
59:28
I think you could even like tier those options like which one to do first.
59:31
And if that doesn't work, which one would you all say to do first for Matthew here?
59:35
Probably either mine or Allen's.
59:37
I think so.
59:38
We would maybe like try Allen's if you can't get his fax number.
59:41
Yeah.
59:42
And maybe you send a banner up around his building, see if he'll respond to that.
59:45
Sure.
59:46
Still no response.
59:47
Sure.
59:48
Let's hot foot it to his house.
59:49
Yeah.
59:50
You know, get in touch with his children.
59:53
Sure.
59:54
Yeah.
59:55
No.
59:56
So we can relate to.
59:57
Yeah.
59:58
Yeah.
59:59
Don't touch his children.
1:00:00
Just get in touch with his children.
1:00:03
Sure.
1:00:04
Yeah.
1:00:05
So that we can you can relate to him.
1:00:06
Be like, oh, yeah, me and Sally were just talking about this and Barbies are all the
1:00:10
rage.
1:00:11
And then he's like, oh, you're right.
1:00:13
I should hire this guy.
1:00:14
Yeah.
1:00:15
He likes kids.
1:00:16
He knows my kids better than me.
1:00:19
Turns out the interviewer wasn't a good father.
1:00:22
Or you're just a better one.
1:00:26
Is the position you're interviewing for dad of his kids?
1:00:31
Oh, but there you go, Matthew.
1:00:32
There's three things you could do probably in order, you know, starting from the least
1:00:37
invasive to the most invasive.
1:00:40
But I hope I hope it works out for you.
1:00:41
Hope you get the job.
1:00:42
Hope you don't end up on the street.
1:00:43
You definitely let us know.
1:00:44
Yeah.
1:00:45
And you're welcome.
1:00:46
Yeah.
1:00:47
All right.
1:00:48
This next one is from Lucy and she titles it.
1:00:51
I get nervous talking to people when I talk to teachers.
1:00:54
I have this problem where I begin to sweat when I talk to anyone.
1:00:57
Really?
1:00:58
I begin to feel a sort of performance anxiety akin to being on stage.
1:01:02
I get nervous that I will make the wrong impression or say something absurd.
1:01:06
We've never had that issue.
1:01:07
We haven't.
1:01:08
So you've come to the right people.
1:01:10
Maybe this is a universal issue.
1:01:12
It's not.
1:01:13
But I should seriously doubt it.
1:01:14
This has really become a hindrance to my life as of late.
1:01:18
Does anyone have advice on how not to sweat when talking to people of authority or anyone
1:01:22
in general?
1:01:23
I would really appreciate it.
1:01:24
You've come to the right people.
1:01:25
You have come to the right people and it's not a universal issue.
1:01:28
It's good that you've doubted yourself.
1:01:29
It's a you issue.
1:01:30
It's a you issue.
1:01:31
You're the problem.
1:01:33
Now, this is a first step in acknowledging your issues and that's acceptance.
1:01:38
Yeah, accepting your issue.
1:01:39
Accept that you are the issue.
1:01:41
So, you know, do we have any advice for Lucy here that, you know, how does she gain more
1:01:46
confidence when talking to when talking to people?
1:01:49
I would say first stop sweating.
1:01:51
That is gross.
1:01:52
You're going to gross out somebody immediately.
1:01:54
I would say maybe wear a full snowsuit so nobody can see you sweating.
1:02:00
Or just wear an antiperspirant over your entire body.
1:02:04
Always carry around the deodorant.
1:02:06
Rub the deodorant on your entire body as you're talking to somebody.
1:02:10
You know, so while you're talking to your teacher, rub antiperspirant or deodorant over
1:02:14
your entire body.
1:02:15
You stop sweating.
1:02:16
You seem more confident.
1:02:17
I would say, I would say sort of tape some sponges to certain problem areas and in hopes
1:02:28
that they might soak up the sweat.
1:02:30
Yeah, that's a good idea to get rid of the sweat.
1:02:32
But now we need to stay on track here, boys.
1:02:35
We need to solve the sweat problem.
1:02:36
Yeah, she has an issue with talking to people.
1:02:38
The sweating isn't as important.
1:02:39
She never said the sweating is the issue.
1:02:41
She might like to sweat in front of people.
1:02:43
But that is an issue.
1:02:45
Well, it is an issue.
1:02:46
But she just didn't seem to care.
1:02:48
She just said it happens.
1:02:49
That's not the one she brought to the table today.
1:02:50
Yeah.
1:02:51
I would say when you're talking to somebody in power and authority, you need to bring
1:02:54
them down to your level.
1:02:55
Make them seem less powerful.
1:02:57
Punch them in the gut.
1:02:58
Punch them in the stomach.
1:03:00
That way you now are asserting dominance on these people.
1:03:03
A swift knee to the face.
1:03:05
Yeah, a kick to the chin.
1:03:07
And I'd say a good exertion of energy like that might make it look like that's the reason
1:03:13
you're sweating.
1:03:14
Yeah.
1:03:15
You can really play it off.
1:03:17
Alan's very hooked on the sweating issue.
1:03:19
Alan, are you grossed out by the sweating?
1:03:21
I am pouring right now.
1:03:25
But I think you should level the playing field.
1:03:28
That is my advice to Lucy here.
1:03:30
Figure out a way to assault the people that you're talking to.
1:03:34
And you will feel more powerful.
1:03:36
You'll feel more confident.
1:03:37
Yeah.
1:03:38
And in the same thought train of trying to get these people kind of on your level is
1:03:42
you got to take the common phrase, take the bull by the horns, literally.
1:03:46
And you got to walk up to these people and you got to grab their hair.
1:03:49
Oh, God.
1:03:50
And you just got to rip them down and talk to them in the face.
1:03:53
And you just say, hey, how are you doing?
1:03:54
How's your day going?
1:03:56
You're talking face to face here.
1:03:57
Maybe you kiss them a little bit.
1:03:58
That's up to you.
1:04:00
It's kind of it's not weird if it's in an authority kind of way.
1:04:05
So I think that's exactly what makes it weird.
1:04:09
No, this is good advice.
1:04:11
So you just you can talk to them face to face, mano, mano.
1:04:15
And once you're done, you can kind of let them go, fling them up and be done with the conversation.
1:04:21
But then if you're the one that knows what you're talking about the whole time, what is there to be nervous about?
1:04:26
Yeah, exactly.
1:04:27
So you're saying prepare, prepare and be aware.
1:04:31
What are the neighborhood watch?
1:04:35
So there you go, Lucy.
1:04:36
You know, we have three things that you can try to make yourself less nervous in these social situations.
1:04:42
Where sponges for sweating, use antiperspirant, deodorant, all over your body.
1:04:48
And then assault.
1:04:49
Assault.
1:04:50
Punch, kick, pull their hair.
1:04:53
Put these people on your level.
1:04:54
Take the power away from them.
1:04:56
Put the give the power to yourself.
1:04:58
You will be less nervous in these social situations.
1:05:00
I think that will do wonders for your life.
1:05:02
It's done wonders for our life.
1:05:04
This is how we usually handle.
1:05:06
Nobody's ever been more powerful than me.
1:05:08
I've never seen a nervous dictator, too.
1:05:11
So if you have to kill millions of people, at least you're not nervous.
1:05:15
And that's up to you.
1:05:18
Well, all right.
1:05:20
You know, helping the world one step at a time, guys, we are doing something good.
1:05:24
We should feel good about ourselves.
1:05:26
While we've been sitting at this table, I've made a carefully crafted Facebook post.
1:05:30
Oh, talking about all the help that we've been doing sitting here around this table.
1:05:35
Yeah, bragging about it.
1:05:36
I say a group of white men sitting around a table solving the world's problems.
1:05:45
Let's let's be done.
1:05:47
That's it, guys.