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Indecision · Stories From The Lost and Found: The Journey Back to Self

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Stories from the Lost and Found.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Krishna Avalon, subconscious therapist, breakthrough coach, and acupuncturist, someone who spent 24 years helping people change from the inside out.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: I bridge neuroscience and ancient medicine together to show you what's actually driving your life because it's almost never what's on the surface.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: Each week we'll go deep into the patterns, wounded parts, and the real stories behind why we get stuck and how we find our way through.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: If you're ready for honesty, depth, and tools that actually work, you're in the right place.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_00: I am so glad you're here.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: Indecision.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: Staying in the middle feels safer than failing or succeeding.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: The conversation you keep rehearsing, the thing you want to start, or the thing that you know you need to end.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: You have the pros and cons list, you've asked three people what they think.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: You read one more article because maybe the next one will make it clear.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: And every time you get close to deciding, something in your body shifts.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: Tighten in your chest, hold your breath, your stomach drops, you feel blank.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe the thought arrives, I just need a little more information.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: And you wait, which feels like relief for about an hour.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: I want to name something you may not have let yourself say out loud.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: Indecision isn't always about not knowing.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: Often part of you already knows.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: Indecision is a place you've learned to live because it feels safer than the alternatives, safer than failing.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: And this is the part that surprises people most.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: It's safer than succeeding.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: Today we're going to look at the subconscious programs running this and at the part of you that holds the line in the middle through internal family systems.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: We're going to talk about what has to be built in the subconscious for decision making to feel different.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: And that's trust.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_00: Not trust in the outcome, trust in yourself.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: Why the middle feels safe.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: Let's start with failing, because that one makes sense.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: If you choose it and it goes wrong, it won't feel like a setback.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: Feel like a verdict.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: Proof of something you've always quietly suspected about yourself.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: So the subconscious works out a very logical equation.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: If I never fully choose, I can never fully fail.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: And then there's succeeding.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: This one gets missed.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: Succeeding changes things.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: You'd be more visible.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: Expectations would rise.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: People might need something different from you.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: You might outgrow a room or a relationship, a role that you're in.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: And success has an even more hidden cost.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: If you get what you want, you could lose it.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: So the equation runs the other way too.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: If I never fully choose, I never have to find out what it costs to win.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: And that's the middle.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: Not choosing keeps you out of both fears.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: It's a holding pattern.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: And your nervous system experiences it as safety.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: You aren't lazy, you aren't afraid of commitment.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: You're protecting yourself from two outcomes that you fear at the same time.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: The subconscious programs, these run underneath the thinking.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: Notice which ones land in your body.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: If I choose wrong, it means something about me.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: This decision isn't about the decision.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: Failure isn't information, it's identity.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_00: So the stakes of choosing a project, a partner, or pricing structure feel the same as the stakes of being found unworthy.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: That's why a small decision can feel enormous.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: The part of you facing it isn't responding to the decision.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: It's responding to what you learned.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: A wrong choice costs.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: It's not safe to be seen getting it wrong.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: For many of us, an early mistake had witnesses.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: Someone sighed or criticized, went quiet or laughed, and the nervous system filed it.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: Being in wrong in front of other people is dangerous.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: So now you research, consult, and prepare until the risk is gone.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: But the risk never goes because the risk was never in the information.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: If I succeed, something will be taken from me.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_00: Many people closest to you perhaps got uncomfortable when you shown.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe love felt conditional on you staying a certain size.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: The program says wanting more and getting it puts connection at risk.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: So some part of you quietly keeps you from arriving.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: I can't trust my own knowing.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_00: Underneath endless analysis, there's often a loss of trust in your own inner signal.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe your preferences were overriding growing up.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe your gut was dismissed.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: So you learned to look outside yourself for the right answer.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: Now you gather opinions, and the more you gather, the quieter your own voice gets.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: This is the one underneath the others.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have a decision-making problem, you have a trust problem.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_00: Untrust isn't something you can decide to have.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: It has to be created where the distrust was installed in the subconscious.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: Where does this come from?
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: None of these were chosen.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: They were conclusions drawn by a very young nervous system.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: Often there was an environment where mistakes were costly, a home with a lot of criticism or high expectations, or where love seemed to follow performance.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes a single moment of public failure that the body never got.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes the opposite.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: A childhood where your wants were small-sized, where you learned that wanting to led to disappointment, or that success made someone else feel less.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: In internal family systems, indecision isn't a flaw in your character.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: It's a protector, a manager part.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: Think of her as the part who stands in the doorway with her arms out.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: On one side is the fear of failing, on the other side is the fear of succeeding.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: And her job is to keep you from walking through either one.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: And she does it with real skill.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: She asks for more data.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_00: She brings up the what ifs.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: She makes sure every option has a flaw.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: She brings in other people's opinions.
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  SPEAKER_00: She keeps the decision almost ready.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: She's exhausting to live with, and she's working so hard.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: She isn't trying to hold you back.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: From where she stands, she's keeping you alive.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: Underneath her is an exile, a younger part carrying the original wound.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: She's the one who chose something once and was humiliated, punished, or left.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: Or the one who shined bright and paid for it.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: Or the one whose own voice was never allowed to count.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: She carries the belief that choosing is dangerous and that she can't be trusted to do it.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: The manager exists so that this young part never has to feel that again.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: Here's what the manager has never been shown: self.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_00: This is the steady, grounded, curious presence that is within all of us, already whole and healed and accessible.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: This is the part of you that doesn't need a perfect answer to be okay.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: This is the part of you that can sit in the not knowing without panicking.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_00: When the manager, which is the indecision in this situation, the manager part senses that self, you and your self-energy is here, she can lower those arms.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: Not because you argued her out of it, but because she's no longer the only thing standing between you and what she's afraid of.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: Let's talk about psyche, which is the process of accessing the subconscious part of the mind that I'm trained in.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_00: What programs would be running the show for a protector part who experiences indecision?
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: Internal family systems creates the relationship.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_00: The beliefs themselves were encoded neurologically in the part of the brain that runs automatically, beneath the reasoning.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_00: You can't think your way out of them, you probably tried.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: And here's what I want to say about decision making.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: For most people, the work isn't gathering better information or becoming more confident.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: The work is an expansion that has to happen in the subconscious.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: Right now, your system has a narrow band of what feels safe.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_00: For instance, it's only safe if I don't fail.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_00: Or it's only safe if I don't stand out too much.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: Deciding means stepping outside that band.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: So the band itself has to grow.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_00: And at the center of that expansion is trust.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: Trust in yourself, created where the distrust lives.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: Psyche K works at that level.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: It creates what's called a whole brain state, in which the subconscious becomes more receptive to something new.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_00: In that state, we work with beliefs, reprogram, expand.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: Create this.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_00: It's safe for me to trust myself.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: I trust myself to make decisions.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: It's safe for me to fail.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_00: It's safe for me to succeed.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: Each one speaks to something we named today.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_00: Trusting yourself restores the inner signal.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: Trusting yourself to make decisions loosens the prowess.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: Being safe to fail dissolves the verdict.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_00: And being safe to succeed opens the door.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: Most people don't realize they've been guarding.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_00: So in ordinary waking consciousness, those statements can feel hollow because the subconscious is still running the opposite underneath.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: That's why saying them into a mirror or as a mantra, it doesn't work.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_00: But in a whole brain state, that old program can be updated from where it was written, where it was created, rather than through the thinking mind.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_00: What people tend to notice is subtle at first.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_00: The decision still matters, but the dread of making that decision has less charge.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_00: There's a little more space before the spiral.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_00: And their own inner signal of self-energy starts to become clearer than the comfort and familiarity of indecision.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: To be clear, indecision isn't weakness.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_00: It's a protector part of your system, doing her best or his best or their best to keep you safe between two fears built from a real experience in a real environment.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_00: But you are not meant to live in indecision forever.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_00: When the program updates, the part underneath that needs support, needs to feel seen, needs to feel safe, it's met.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_00: And trust in your self energy is built where the drist distrust was installed.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_00: And then that doorway opens.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_00: Choosing stops feeling like standing at a cliff and starts feeling like a step.com.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_00: If you love journaling and reflection, want to know more about yourself, has exercises that help you name what the indecision is costing you.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're ready to go to the root, there's a free 15-minute call there as well.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_00: And now we're going to end with a practice.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_00: So just closing your eyes, taking a deep breath.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_00: Start to notice what you notice is a thought, feeling, sensation in your body.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_00: And as you do so, continue to take breaths.
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_00: And for anything today that might have landed, what made you listen to indecision?
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_00: The part of you that feels safest.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_00: Not knowing or staying in a place where you don't choose.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_00: The part of you that might fear failing.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_00: And the part of you that fears succeeding.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just naming that part here right now as you take a couple breaths.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_00: And let's practice connecting to self-energy and extending the self-energy to the part of you that has problems making decisions, that is indecisive, maybe in a fog.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_00: Unclear.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_00: Again, this is not failure, it's a protective part of your system doing its job really, really well.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_00: All right, self-energy.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_00: Let's take a couple breaths into the heart.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_00: Bringing presence.
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_00: Any openness, compassion that's available.
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_00: Breathe that into your heart.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_00: Continue to breathe.
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_00: Presence.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_00: Openness.
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_00: Curiosity.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_00: Compassion.
• 15:37
  SPEAKER_00: Let's grow that.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_00: Any of that that's available, your self energy.
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_00: Let's grow upon that.
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe letting it fill more than your chest and your heart.
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_00: Let it expand.
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_00: To the place where you might sense indecision.
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_00: Your head.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_00: Or your belly.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_00: Your jaw.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sending so much curiosity, compassion, and love to this part of you, to this part within me.
• 16:21
  SPEAKER_00: And you're just getting to know the indecision right now.
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_00: Internal family systems is all about letting the parts of you get in relationship with your self-energy.
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_00: No other agenda.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_00: Feeling your self-energy in your heart, extending it to this place, maybe in your body or with your psychic space somewhere around you, where you sense indecision.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_00: Really just letting this part of you know, like I'm here with you.
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_00: I'm present.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_00: I'm so curious about you.
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_00: And this can be really surprising for parts because a lot of us are frustrated with these parts of us.
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_00: We want them to go away.
• 17:20
  SPEAKER_00: We're mad at them.
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_00: We're in conflict with them.
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_00: Parts of us can be in conflict.
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_00: And that's okay.
• 17:31
  SPEAKER_00: Right now, we're connecting to self-energy and extending that to the indecision, letting it know you're not alone.
• 17:44
  SPEAKER_00: I'm right here with you.
• 17:53
  SPEAKER_00: And this is a beautiful place if you ask for permission.
• 17:56
  SPEAKER_00: Like ask that part of you.
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_00: Is it okay if I hang out with you right now and just get to know you a little bit?
• 18:06
  SPEAKER_00: Just consider how powerful this is.
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_00: You are connecting to self-energy.
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_00: Such a beautiful practice in itself, growing and expanding that.
• 18:17
  SPEAKER_00: Sending it to this part of you that really needs attention.
• 18:23
  SPEAKER_00: All of our parts basically want to know that they're not alone.
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_00: All of our parts want to be validated and witnessed.
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_00: So in these beginning steps, you are just hanging out and saying to this part of you, like, is it okay if I hang out with you right now and get to know you?
• 18:47
  SPEAKER_00: And it's almost always yes.
• 18:51
  SPEAKER_00: But even if it's no, that's okay too.
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_00: This is a practice, and it's a powerful one, just what we've done so far.
• 19:01
  SPEAKER_00: Again, connecting to self-energy as you breathe, which is presence, love, compassion, care, curiosity.
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_00: Extending that to this part of you that we've talked about today.
• 19:19
  SPEAKER_00: Also noticing it where it lives, right?
• 19:21
  SPEAKER_00: In your body, where is this part hanging out?
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_00: IFS is often very somatic, meaning it's our bodies that hold the information, the parts of us, our stories.
• 19:37
  SPEAKER_00: Just taking a couple breaths, you're just letting this part know that you're here with it and it's not alone.
• 19:45
  SPEAKER_00: And you're validating it and you are extending self-energy.
• 19:52
  SPEAKER_00: And that can be all you do, and that is more than enough.
• 19:59
  SPEAKER_00: But if you have more time and you want to ask this part of you, what do you want me to know?
• 20:09
  SPEAKER_00: Is there something you want to show me?
• 20:15
  SPEAKER_00: And you really want to slow it down.
• 20:17
  SPEAKER_00: And IFS, we slow, slow, slow it down.
• 20:21
  SPEAKER_00: We give space for parts to be witnessed and seen.
• 20:26
  SPEAKER_00: And you might not get an answer on this one right away, that's okay.
• 20:30
  SPEAKER_00: But give it some breaths, give it a couple minutes if you have it.
• 20:35
  SPEAKER_00: Ask that question to this part of you that needs your self-energy attention.
• 20:51
  SPEAKER_00: And if that landed for you, if that was helpful, if you want more, I would love to see you in the next episode.
• 21:01
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you so much for being here.
• 21:13
  SPEAKER_00: That's a wrap on today's episode of Stories from the Lost and Found.
• 21:17
  SPEAKER_00: If something here resonated with you, the best thing you can do is share it.
• 21:20
  SPEAKER_00: Send this to someone who really needs to hear it.
• 21:22
  SPEAKER_00: And if you are ready to go deeper, I would love to support you.
• 21:26
  SPEAKER_00: Download my free workbook and walks you through your own subconscious blocks.
• 21:30
  SPEAKER_00: You can find that link in the show notes.
• 21:32
  SPEAKER_00: Or if you're ready for a real shift, book a free strategy call and let's figure out what is keeping you from moving forward.
• 21:38
  SPEAKER_00: I'll see you next week.
• 21:40
  SPEAKER_00: Your next breakthrough is closer than you think.