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How Planning Ahead Eases Grief For The Ones You Love · That Home Loan Hub

• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: If you are worried about passing away and not having things organized, or if you know someone that's going through something very, very difficult, this is the episode for you to listen into.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: So it's going to be a little bit dark and sad, but super, super helpful based on experience that one of our colleagues recently had.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: Hello, James.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_01: Aloha.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_00: You've been missing in action.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: What was happening in your world?
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, so it's been a really challenging period.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_01: I've my mum passed away very recently, so and after a after an illness, uh, you know, for the last year or so.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_01: So we've been going through that process with mum and my family and trying to, you know, just get through it.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_01: And it has been pretty incredible in some ways, because we knew that mum was unwell, so we knew that it wasn't we didn't have much time.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_01: So it's gone as well as you could expect something like that to go.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_01: If that makes any sense.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: So, of course, first of all, my condolences.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: And can I just say what a beautiful ceremony you had for mum on Monday?
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: Absolutely.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: And that's what got you thinking, right?
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: You just confessed to me that you were standing there MCing at your mum's celebration of life.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_00: Yep.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: And then you thought that this subject is important to cover for our listeners.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, which yes.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, and when I found when when I had the opportunity to come back to work today and uh and and and be on the podcast, it was like what a an ideal topic.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_01: Because, you know, I could just see how my mum had organized her life and how had how she had organized everything afterwards.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_01: Like we knew exactly what to do when my mum passed away.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_01: She had everything planned.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: She sounds like a very organized woman.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, absolutely.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_01: So I knew a year ago that I was oh well, I I suspected anyway.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_01: I think mum had said something to me about me him seeing her at a funeral, and I was you know, I was a little bit horrified at the time because I'm like, I can get up and talk in front of people, but can you talk in in front of a a group of people in that situation?
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, because you're grieving, right?
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: And then something something big happened, significant happened to you and your family.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: You you've just lost lost your loved one, and then you have to get up on stage and MC and make sure the whole service ticks along.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_01: Yep.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_01: But then I also saw it as a major honour, you know, having that.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_01: So you you step up, you know, you just you have to do it.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_01: But you know, not just that, but mum had every single element of that service planned, and and it just if you're gonna go through that process, and you know, we talk to people all the time, you know, our clients, some of them are older, you know, and they have you know, most of my dad's friends now have all lost their partners that they've been with, you know, a big part of their life.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_01: So from what I can understand, it is much better for the family left behind if things are organized, if if if the if the people left behind know exactly what to do.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_01: Do you know what I mean?
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_01: It just takes every all the stress out of a really stressful situation, which it was.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: But so give me three things that mum did really well.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, so I think she just communicated with us really well about exactly what she wanted in her in her in her service.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: Mm-hmm.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_01: Which is so one of them well she wanted both my brothers to speak as the I guess uh uh as the eulogy uh eulogies, grandkids to speak if they wanted to.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_01: I was about to say are we forcing they all went up on stage, so they didn't they didn't have to speak.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_01: It was just that was the option.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_01: And she didn't want other she didn't want other people to speak, she wanted you know, family sons, and um and she wanted so my nephews and nieces came up on stage and and and and and spoke.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_01: My son played bagpipes before and after, which he would have seen.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_01: Daughter played piano, and you know, both my brothers spoke, and there wasn't to be any hymns, it wasn't in a church, it it was it was very clear, it was structured, which is what my mum was.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, very organized, very structured.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: So yeah.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, that's that's awesome, and what about end of life?
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_01: Oh right, okay.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, well that was another uh and I guess it's really soon to be talking about it, but you just it it it's relevant, right?
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_01: So uh mum, and I I think I've learnt a lot from this, mum wanted she wanted not she was in quite a bit of pain and she didn't have any quality of life, so she didn't want to prolong that to prolong it.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_01: And so it was about just why why you've got the quality of life.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, so she chose, you know, she's in the early eighties and she'd recently re had recovered from breast cancer, but it had it it it was really aggressive and it it progressed.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_01: So she was she made a decision that she didn't want to be treated for that.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_01: She just wanted to enjoy the life that she still had while she could, rather than go through that and being older and you know, she didn't respond well to she didn't respond well to medicines and stuff like that.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_01: She just wanted to have make the best of the time she had without the excessive health impacts of doing those kind of chemotherapy and stuff like that.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_01: Because even this mild medications made her quite unwell, so yeah.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: And it reduces your quality of life, right?
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, you would rather have three good months with your family than five years of just being constantly in pain and yeah.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: And I think the other thing that's a brave decision.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_01: Oh gosh, yeah.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_01: And we were like, we agreed.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, it's not for uh it wasn't for us to agree, but it's not something that you think about.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_01: And then the other thing, of course, is that if the one the the big thing I've learnt is that you need to put your put things aside while you go and do the do that thing with the special person rather than you know, I I we went up there and it was like you know, you just put work to one side and you just be in there in that moment, and that's all that you're thinking about with the the other close people that are around.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_01: So in that regard, you know, and just not having any regrets.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_01: I mean the only thing that I think about now is the last time that I said goodbye, you know, because uh as you do, you I I had stayed overnight and then you leave in the morning and you're rushing off and you're saying, Love you, mum, I'll see you later.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_01: And you just think that you're gonna be able to go back and see her again next weekend, you know, but it it it didn't end up being like that.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_01: Didn't end up being like that, sorry.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_01: So just gotta make the most of it, eh?
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_01: Really?
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it just gives that perspective on life, right?
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: And what's important and what are you spending your hours on and your energy on.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: Yep.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that's closely related to what we do because in a way, you know, our job is to help people get into their homes or get an investment properties to create that quality of life in the future or for themselves now, but it's not to put them in the worst-off position where they feel so tied up in their day-to-day work that they can't leave work to spend that quality time as their loved ones, or that they're so busy working that they don't see their children grow.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: So that's the whole idea behind of what we do and why we do it is to help people get much better quality of life going forward.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_01: Well, I think my brother put it in really good perspective, like uh, and it was good to have these conversations with him, is that with your mums got this a a short amount of time, you know, which is that we knew that, but you you know, I had to go, it's not where my family was, my children and wife is back in Palmerston off, so I had to sort of leave them with not leave them with my wife.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, I'm I'm sure I'm sure she's very good at looking after the kids.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_01: I'm sure she's very capable.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_01: She's uh gonna hear this probably and um I'll get the hairy eyeball.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_01: So that they were they they also stepped up, right?
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_01: They uh had to be comfortable that they were on their own and and I and I went up and saw mum and spent, you know, the kids have got a long period ahead of them in theory, you know, we don't know that for sure, but they do, and generally speaking, mum had a short amount of time, yeah, makes time go and spend that time with your mum, and then we can you know catch up with that other stuff later.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: Uh which I absolutely said the same thing, I'm sure.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_00: Where I know you were so keen to come back to work and podcasts and everything else.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: And I said, No, James, I'm putting my foot down.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want to see you around.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: And I said, please go up there and spend as much time as possible with mum.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and that wouldn't have worked coming in hindsight.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_01: It would just and I I did take my stuff up to work, up to Taupo, because you can work from anywhere.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_01: Took my monitor and all that kind of stuff into the up there.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_01: I I never even took it out of the car, just walked in the door and realized, okay, this is not about that anymore.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_01: It's just I'm gonna check the odd thing and just but you know, you can't do anybody a a good service by in that sort of situation by multitasking, right?
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: That's not the time to be even at a good time, you know.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_01: Even when I'm 100% operating, I'm not a very good multitasker, so yeah, it uh it's it was a special time.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_00: I'm so sorry, James, once again, but that's so good that you drew some life lessons out of it.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, for me, as I recap, what we've talked about is basically being organized in life and in death really helps people to deal with whatever they're dealing with at that time to make things as seamless as possible.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: Absolutely.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_00: Because the last thing you want is people, you know, wondering what what did you want?
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: What sort of ceremony did you want, what sort of you know, things you wanted there.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_01: So we need to encourage people, even though they don't want to, just for the benefit of the people that get left behind.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_01: Uh I know that sounds selfish, but because they don't know what you want.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_01: You know, they don't, and then we've all got different ideas of what you want.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_01: Um and so how how do we how do we decide who's correct?
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_01: If you haven't written it down or discussed it, not so much you know, some kind of agreement that you've actually written by yourself without anybody else saying what they think, you know, just your intentions.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_00: But no, that's a that's one of the toughest things you probably had to deal with in your life.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, yes, it is.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_00: But what blows my mind is that you're sitting here three days later and you just incredible.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: Oh wow, you've got amazing strength, James.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_00: But look after yourself.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_01: I will indeed.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_01: Don't worry.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_01: It's just great to be back around you guys.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_00: So yeah, fit off my energy.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, absolutely.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_00: Awesome.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_00: Guys, thank you so much for listening.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_00: I'm so sorry for this episode if it came across a bit doom and gloom.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_00: But the important message is be organized, get your affairs in order, as they say, and you know, whether that's financial, emotional, physical, whatever you need to get sorted, very, very important to get it sorted when you're still sound of mind and you can tell people what you want and how you want it, just like your mama did.
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and you know, you can talk to us cool people about it if you want to.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_01: You know, it doesn't have to be uh, you know, I'm sure we can wrangle away to make it work out for us somehow.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_01: But um yeah, absolutely.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_00: Awesome.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you, James.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_00: No worries.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_00: Bye.