Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Do You Pass Down Your Attachment Style?

Transcript

Do You Pass Down Your Attachment Style? · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the dr.
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  Psych mom show today. I am taking a question from a
• 0:11
  listener. Actually, a couple of people
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  asked this in my Facebook groups, you should join my
• 0:16
  Facebook group. If you're interested in getting
• 0:18
  in on the ground floor of telling me what to record and
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  it's about whether you pass on your attachment style.
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  So whether a parents attachment style is going to be the same as
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  their child's, so we're going to dive into that.
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  But before we do, please do subscribe, because then you get
• 0:34
  access. All of my episodes.
• 0:36
  The most recent one is why your wife says, she's overwhelmed and
• 0:40
  like a lot of other ones. So make sure to subscribe to
• 0:44
  support me if I am helping you out and if you're enjoying these
• 0:48
  podcasts. So anyhow attachment style.
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  You're going to have to go back and refer to the original
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  attachment style podcast which are linked you to in the
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  description. That's a subscriber one.
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  So you see there are many useful ones and with an attachment
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  there. There's secure and insecure two
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  types of insecure etcetera so you'll go back to refresh on
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  that. But do parents pass on their
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  attachment style to their kids? Well, yeah, frequently.
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  They do, you know, I mean, if they don't work on their own
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  issues in therapy or, you know, through whatever deep self
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  reflective work, they want to do then, yeah, there really are at
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  risk of passing on their attachment style, because think
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  about it, if you're avoiding your parents in a cold kind of
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  detached way. And then, how do you know how to
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  parent your kid the same way? You know, I mean, it's pretty
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  easy to see. Like if you did not get the sort
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  of affectionate comforting love that you needed as a child,
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  where would you get it from? Like, how would you know how to
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  do that? Now, if you can somehow change
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  yourself to do that, then also remember that it's much more
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  likely that you're going to do that with your kids, then that
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  you're going to do it with your spouse.
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  So your attachment Style unless again, unless you engage in real
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  deep self reflective work, it's unlikely that your attachment
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  style will change. Of course they can change with
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  work. I mean that's the positive.
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  So that's a lot of what therapy is is really trying to help you
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  change to be more securely attached, which is confidence,
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  self-esteem understanding how to have healthy relationships.
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  All of that goes a long with secure attachment versus
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  insecure of either type. But if You do not engage in this
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  work. The odds are that you will
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  either or, you know, pass on the attachment style, or they could
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  be or, or they could be securely attached to you your child but
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  observe a marriage in which parents did not work on their
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  attachment Styles and therefore are engaging and dysfunctional
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  ways which is not going to help them either.
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  So also sometimes you do not pass on your exact attachment
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  style whether avoiding or preoccupied but your Pass on
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  insecure. It's very hard for somebody was
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  raised with insecure attachment who did not have a functional
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  secure relationship within their family of origin with their
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  primary caregiver to become a parent.
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  That is a secure base and both gives the child the secure bond
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  that they need, and also encourages them to explore the
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  world in a healthy independent way.
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  And if you did not have this balance, struck in your own
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  family of Jin. You do not have a template from,
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  which you can automatically just parent in this way that, you
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  know, people who grew up in very functional homes.
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  They can they have an automatic default, they could just kind of
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  do what their parents did and everything's cool.
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  Whereas most of the individuals listening to this podcast,
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  mostly individuals than therapy. We did not have functional
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  upbringing, so you never exactly know if you're doing the right
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  thing or not, you know, you do. Don't have that automatic
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  default, if you think that's what my mom used to do, you
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  think, oh fuck, gotta do something different.
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  I don't know what it is but it ain't that.
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  So it's very, very different from how people are raised with
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  secure attachment Styles. Sometimes when we cross the type
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  of insecure attachment, let's say an avoidant parent, let's
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  say you're an avoidant parent. So overall, you're uncomfortable
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  with intimacy. But sometimes you try, you know,
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  you try for the sake of your kid.
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  You try to Down and Gage hug whatever.
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  But overall it is kind of if you would admit to yourself whether
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  you tell yourself, it's because of your child's personality, or
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  your personality or stress or whatever.
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  It's hard for you to bond to your child.
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  So, in that case, the child is getting just a taste of what it
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  is to have your attention periodically.
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  So they may end up with the other type of insecure
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  attachment preoccupied attachment where they're
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  consistently hyper-vigilant for you, going away while whether
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  emotionally or physically and they They are.
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  It's like a slot machine with every so often they get your
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  attention. So they may have the other kind
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  of insecure attachment, but it still ain't good, right?
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  It's still not right, it's still not secure.
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  So this is not a death sentence. This is not to say.
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  Okay, so you were raised in job and secure attachment.
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  So shits all over for you on your kid.
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  Just give it up, certainly not, but it's motivation to work on
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  yourself, you know, work on yourself, understand your
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  attachment Style. Understand how you may not want
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  to think that you're passing it on to your kid, but likely, you
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  are if there's not enough work done and and also, you know,
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  your marriage may be showcasing, your insecure attachment style,
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  even if somehow you're knocking it out of the park, it's a
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  parent and that too is going to influence.
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  How your child relates to others?
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  Their personal attachment style? Maybe they are securely attached
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  to you, but I'll tell you, it's very hard to feel secure
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  attachment within a dysfunctional family.
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  It. So let's say Mom and Dad are
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  fighting all the time. It's real hard for kids have a
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  securely attached relationship with Mom.
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  It really is because Mom's always upset.
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  So, how then does the child really feel secure?
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  Stable, like, focused on in a developmentally appropriate way
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  themselves. I'm the first to say your
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  kitchen, be a selfish asshole, but there's a difference between
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  your kid thinking. They should buy everything off
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  of Amazon and your kid thinking, is this going to be a night
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  where Mom and Dad. Disappear into their room for
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  hours of yelling, you know. And if it's the latter, it's
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  really, really hard for that kid to maintain secure attachment
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  with Mom or Dad. No, matter how Mom, or Dad act
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  individually with this child. Because against this backdrop of
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  dysfunction, where parents attention is taken away, by the
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  toxicity in the marriage, the child in does not get to form a
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  secure Bond. Now, this doesn't mean again
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  like nothing is a death knell here.
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  Nothing is nothing. Cannot to be changed things.
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  Can be changed all the time. Kids are very malleable, so
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  hopefully at least one listener. Here will be like, man.
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  Do I put a lot of work into parenting or what?
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  I read. Every damn book.
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  I variety of in the attached book.
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  She told me to read by a mere Levine on attachment, but you
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  know what, I never really thought about here is I have a
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  great relationship with my kid when my spouse isn't around and,
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  but when my spouse is around, there's this That falls over
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  everything because I don't really feel like addressing the
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  fact that we are not in a happy place and I wonder how this is
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  impacting my child. And I wonder that if instead of
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  reading 25 parenting books and just, you know, sticking in my
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  in my wheelhouse at my comfort zone.
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  I wonder if perhaps I should focus that on the marriage as
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  well as the backdrop for this. Secure attachment that I want to
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  develop between me and my child as well as by partner.
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  And my child and I want my children to feel good in their
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  house overall. So keep in mind.
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  Yes, it's likely that you will replicate your attachment Style
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  with your kid without work. However, I see a lot of people
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  put in a lot of work, and this is why I do podcasts and post.
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  Like, do you treat your child better than you treat your
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  partner? Because many people will bust
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  their ass listening to the podcast, every podcast and
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  reading book after book on parenting, but they will forget
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  the greater backdrop of stress In the home that accompanies a
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  dysfunctional marriage and within that environment, it
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  really doesn't matter how you parent except on the margins and
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  that's a sad realization and but yeah, very true one.
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  So the amount of of enrichment, I love and security that you
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  tried to get your child. If there is fighting tension
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  screaming, bitching at each. Other bickering, like, all this
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  stuff. Like, are you had a podcast?
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  What level of marital conflict is is acceptable for your child
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  to see pretty much none. You know?
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  I mean, pretty much not. And as I said, in that podcast,
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  people are always like, well, shouldn't they see your resolve
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  conflict? Yeah, sure.
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  They should see resolve conflict.
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  I want Chinese, you want Italian, how are we going to
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  compromise? Or even you forgot my birthday
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  today. That made me feel sad.
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  Oh, I'm sorry, honey. I'm gonna go to the store.
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  Get you flowers. Oh okay that's conflict that a
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  child See. Whoo, when anybody's asking
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  about what level of marital conflict is okay.
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  The majority of people are doing it because their kid has
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  witnessed screaming yelling Insanity.
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  So for everybody who was a child in such a home myself included
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  that is that this never good. It's never, okay, that's never
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  functional. And you cannot really create
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  secure attachments with either parent, within a constant
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  backdrop against the backdrop rather of Hysterical, fits
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  yelling sobbing and just constant tension in the child's
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  stomach about who will explode next.
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  So if this is your situation, then that would be more what to
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  think about. Because I'll tell you, from what
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  I see. The majority of people are
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  trying really hard to securely bound to their kids and we have
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  more resources than ever before. Psychology is like on-trend, man
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  denying the right career at the right time because everybody
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  wants a therapist now and the majority of what they're working
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  on is Themselves and a keystone of who they are as their
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  identity is their parenting. Many, many fewer people want to
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  think deeply about how the child is observing their relationship
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  with the other parent or with whomever.
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  So, I mean, my listeners seem to be attuned to this but in
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  general, that's rare because you got many people that bring their
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  kids into child therapist and the child and what do they
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  forget to say to the child therapist?
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  Why does your child have an anxiety disorder?
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  Gee. I don't know because the house
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  is constantly full of stress, so it's very hard to to have a
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  secure Comm child in a house where there is stress like, you
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  know, real stress stress. That is little, their stress
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  everywhere. But I'm talking about a level of
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  constant conflict. That is very bad.
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  So, what should you get out of this?
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  You need to work on your own attachment South.
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  You don't know what that is. If you don't understand how you
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  and your partner have An attachment Dynamic, then refer
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  back to that earlier podcast without work, you are likely to
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  parent in the same ways that you were parented, thereby leading
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  to a similar attachment outcome in your child.
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  Also, you could be very trying your utmost to be securely
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  attached to your child bought the overall atmosphere in the
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  home that derives in part from your unresolved attachment
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  issues, vis-à-vis, your spouse in your primary intimate
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  relationship. It may be creating an
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  environment where you are making it impossible for all your
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  wonderful parenting techniques to work, because the child is
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  picking up on massive amounts of tension and conflict.
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  Now, this leads me to another Point.
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  Since we are not out of time, I will just add this in.
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  It's probably deserving of its own podcast, but sometimes
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  people say, but is it better for the children or children
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  children, just want you to be happy, man.
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  Children don't want you to be happy.
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  Let's just Dad to the side, there's no research that
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  indicates that children do better when parents are no, you
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  know, however percent more happy.
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  What the research does indicate is, if there is conflict in the
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  home and the church and there, the child is around constant
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  conflict. That is bad.
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  So with this, if the child is the child is, in wondering if
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  you self-actualize today, they're not.
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  So sometimes people ask me, I should probably do a podcast.
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  On it. Is it okay to divorce because
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  the children want? Happy Parents?
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  Yeah. Sort of but really what children
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  don't want is unhappy yelling, crying parents like that.
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  That's that's what does bad for the children and the rest of it
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  really comes out in the wash because remember temperament of
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  your child playing a children or fairly solipsistic, there were
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  only looking inward but when shit in their house is so crazy
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  that they can't even look inward.
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  That's when it gets really bad. So, Again when people are like,
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  what level of conflict is bad for children or what level would
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  stop, my child from really being securely attached, it's the
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  level at which it is open hostility.
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  Open hostility is very bad. Now, it is totally bad for you
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  to be in a state of tension that is masked sadness and you
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  deserve to have a life too and you deserve to be happy.
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  Sure, for sure. But when people say what's bad
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  for children, it's You know, unrelenting volatile conflict.
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  You know, that should that should be the Hallmark when you
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  understand the something's pretty bad for the kid.
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  So if you're intending and hoping to raise a securely
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  attached child, as we all are the way to do.
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  That would be against a backdrop of a calm and happy home.
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  Overall you are trying to provide attention and love and
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  firm boundaries within a context of Warmth, you know, and I've
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  talked about this before about the authoritative parenting
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  style as the mean, the midpoint between authoritarian and
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  permissive. I've talked about this in my
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  parenting podcasts, but yes, that, that is the way to create
• 14:50
  a securely attached child, but that can only work within the
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  context of a calm and loving home.
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  No matter who's in it. I'm, you could be a single
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  parent doing a calm loving home to, you know, it doesn't need to
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  be the two-parent home, but it cannot be.
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  A home in which all of your effort is focused on somehow
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  creating out of whole cloth. A secure attached, loving
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  relationship with your kid and you're neglecting the marital
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  conflict because I see that too often because the same people
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  that are worried about passing on their preoccupied or avoidant
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  attachment style. Guess what those attachment
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  style? Definitionally lead to unhappy
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  relationships. So the piece to be aware of.
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  That perhaps now you are focusing on more is yeah there's
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  me and my kid but what is our overall environment in which we
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  are embedded? Is that something that's going
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  to be conducive to the development of a secure
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  attachment Bond because the child can relax and engage in
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  developmentally, appropriate life tasks or is the level of
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  stress, precluding? That development of that secure
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  attachment relationship with either parent, really?
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  Alright. So, I hope this was interesting
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  and Learnt different color to your understanding of
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  attachment. Again, this will be much better
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  understood within the larger framework of the original
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  attachment podcasts, as well as I have attachment a podcast
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  about avoidant wives. I have either a poster podcast
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  something coming out about when men struggle with preoccupied
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  attachment so you know, it's like attachment Central here,
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  it's all about attachment, all attachment all the time.
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  No, not really, but a lot of attachment, a lot of the time,
• 16:34
  and I'll talk to everybody soon. Please do subscribe.