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Different Windows · Understanding Yourself: A Framework For Change

• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Understanding Yourself.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Ben Lemmon.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: This is a collection of stories, ideas,
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: and conversations designed to help us better understand ourselves
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: and maybe experience life a little differently.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks for being here.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: Let's begin.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: I use an example sometimes I can see much of what's inside pretty clearly, but there are things
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: There are things directly beneath that window that I simply can't see from where I'm standing.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: I could stare through that window for hours and never know they were there.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: If I walk around to another window, I may suddenly see what I was missing.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_00: But now there are different things directly beneath that window that I can't see.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_00: Nothing is wrong with the window.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: Nothing is necessarily wrong with what I am seeing through it.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: I just can't see everything from where I'm standing.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: I've started to think this might explain more of my life than I originally realized.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: I am the center of my world.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: I don't mean that in the sense that I'm more important than anyone else.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_00: I mean it quite literally.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: I experience everything through my own eyes.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: I know what I intended,
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: what I was thinking, what I was feeling, and what was happening around me.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: Every memory I have is a memory I experience from somewhere inside myself.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: In that sense, I will always be standing at the center of my own universe.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: I think we all are.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: There's really no escaping that.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: The problem is that being at the center of my world makes it incredible.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: We've probably already had a lot of questions.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_00: We all experience this from the other side.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: Someone we know well starts telling us about a conflict they're having.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: We weren't there.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: We haven't spoken to the other person.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: We're only hearing one version of what happened.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: And somehow,
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: before they're even finished telling the story,
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: we have a pretty good idea of the role they probably played in it.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: Not because they're lying, we just know them.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: We know their patterns.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: We know what tends to bother them.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: We know how they respond when they feel criticized or afraid or overwhelmed.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: We can see something they can't because we're looking through a different window.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: Life got a lot easier when I finally considered the possibility that I'm no different.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: I meet with my sponsor every Sunday,
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_00: and I sometimes joke that one of the things we work on is my dishonesty.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: I don't mean that I spend the week deliberately lying to everyone.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: Most of the dishonesty I struggle with is much more difficult to recognize
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: because I believe it myself.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: I'm usually telling the story exactly as I see it.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_00: The problem is that I'm still looking through my window.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: One of the tricks
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: to whatever success I've experienced hasn't been becoming exceptionally good
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: at seeing myself clearly.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: It's been getting better at inviting people into my That sounds simple.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: My ego has other ideas.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: I have a friend Major who I talk with most mornings.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: He usually knows what I'm thinking and feeling,
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: what's happening at work, and what's going on in the rest of my life.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: I honestly can't remember him giving me a suggestion that didn't come from a place
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: of love or wanting what was best for me.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: And yet every once in a while Major will suggest something
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: that I know would probably be good for me,
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: and my mind will immediately produce a compelling counterargument.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: He's not even doing that.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: This apparently feels relevant to me in the moment.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: I've had to learn that someone doesn't need to have something completely figured out
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: in their own life for me to benefit from what they can see in mine.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: I certainly don't.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: There are things I can recognize pretty clearly in the life
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: So
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: rather than focusing on whether the person giving me
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: a suggestion is perfectly living it themselves,
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: I'm trying to get better at asking a much simpler question.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: Would this help me?
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: My mom gives me another window.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: She's a huge Dave Ramsey fan,
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: so there is very little mystery surrounding what will happen when I talk to her
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: about money.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: Don't finance the car.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: Save more.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: Put money into retirement.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: Don't carry credit card debt.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: Spend less than you make.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever financial decision I'm considering,
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: I can be fairly confident my mom will identify the option that provides me with
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: the least immediate gratification.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: Very few of her suggestions make me feel particularly good in the moment.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: They've also worked out pretty well for me.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: I might be driving a much nicer car,
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: but without some of those conversations I probably wouldn't have much of
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: a retirement account or savings.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: I wouldn't have a Roth IRA.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: My mortgage payment would probably be higher than it is.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: And owning a house built in the 1800s has given me plenty
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: of My fiancee Jen provides another version of the same lesson.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: She'll suggest something we should do around the house or with our finances.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it's something as insignificant as where we should position a fan.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: My ego will immediately reject the suggestion for reasons
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: that apparently make perfect sense to me.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: Then two or three days later,
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: we'll be walking the dogs and I'll look over at her and say,
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: You know that thing you mentioned the other day?
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: I think we should do that.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: Nothing about the idea changed.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: Apparently I just needed enough time to forget that it wasn't mine.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: I experienced the same thing at work.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: Someone on my staff will suggest a different way of doing something.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: My boss will Point out something I haven't considered.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes I resist because the idea creates more responsibility than I feel capable of carrying.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes I've already decided how I think something should be done.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes I suspect the only real problem is that someone else thought of it first.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: I've become increasingly interested in that little space between receiving an idea
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: and deciding whether I'm willing to consider it.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_00: My ego seems to care an awful lot about where an idea came from.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: My life tends to get better when I care more about whether there's something useful in it.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_00: One of the most important windows anyone has ever given me came from my sponsor,
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: and I'm not even sure he intended to give it to me.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: Years ago, he came to visit me at work while recovering from a back injury.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: I remember meeting him at his car and walking toward the building with him as he homologized.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: I opened the door for him as he hobbled into the building.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: He responded, I don't know Ben, maybe blessed beyond belief.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: I got quiet.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: I thought about those three words for the rest of the day.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: I was still thinking about them when I went to bed that night.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: Somewhere along the way I had to admit something.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: I hadn't been able to see from where I was standing.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: He's not wrong.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: I am blessed beyond belief.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: Nothing that had overwhelmed me that morning disappeared.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: I still had the same job,
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: the same responsibilities,
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_00: and probably most of the same problems waiting for me the next morning.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: But when I walked into the office the following day and
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: the receptionist asked how I was doing,
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: I smiled and said, blessed beyond belief, I've been saying it ever since.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: It's become a running joke with my staff.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: When they ask me how I'm doing and I respond with a big smile and blessed
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: beyond belief, they usually know I'm overwhelmed.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: But I'm not really joking.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: It's difficult to put into words how much that simple practice has changed my life.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't make the responsibility disappear.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: Apparently one of the most influential things anyone has ever said to me came
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: from someone who doesn't remember saying it.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: About a year later I needed his window again.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: We were opening the facility where I currently work and I was overwhelmed.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: I was supervising,
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: carrying a full caseload,
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: facilitating education almost every day,
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: and working more hours than I care to remember.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: I could finish a three-hour group,
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: look at my phone,
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: and have somewhere between 20 and 45 missed calls, texts, and emails waiting for me.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: Mixed in with all those messages would usually be a few from family or friends.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: Eventually I stopped experiencing those messages as people who loved me reaching out
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: and started experiencing them the same way I experienced everything else
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: on my phone.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: They became another task, another call to return, another person who wanted something from me.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: Somewhere in all of that stress,
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: people who had loved me,
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: supported me,
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_00: and helped me to get to where I was had somehow become a burden in my mind.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: That's how distorted my thinking can become.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: I remember talking with my sponsor about how overwhelmed I felt,
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_00: and he helped me walk over to another window.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_00: From where I had been standing, all I could see were demands on my time.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_00: From his window, he helped me see how incredibly fortunate I was.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: I had family and friends who loved me,
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: who had taken a sincere interest in my life,
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: who wanted to celebrate what was happening for me.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_00: There were people who valued me deeply enough that they wanted me in their lives.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_00: There were people who trusted me enough to ask what I thought about things happening
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_00: in their own lives.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: What I had started experiencing as a burden was from another window an incredible privilege.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: Nothing about my circumstances had changed.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: I still had the same phone, the same workload, and the same messages waiting for me.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: My sponsor didn't make any of that disappear.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: He simply helped me see what had been directly beneath my window the entire time.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: I think there's an important distinction here.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: Looking through another window isn't about finding another way to blame myself.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: The goal isn't to beat myself up.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_00: If I'm having a conflict with someone,
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_00: I can spend an enormous amount of energy identifying everything they did wrong.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_00: I might even be right about most of it.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: But knowing everything they should have done differently doesn't give me much to work with.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: I don't control them.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_00: What I can do is invite someone I trust into the situation and ask, what am I not seeing?
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: Where did I contribute to this?
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: What could have I done differently?
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_00: That changes the purpose of recognizing my own contribution.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not searching for evidence that I'm a bad person.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_00: I'm looking for something I can actually do something about.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: If I can see my part, I can change my responsibility.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_00: The more I've thought about this, the more I wonder whether people
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: They give us a different place from
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_00: A window can show us something true without showing us everything.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: I looked toward treatment centers and therapists to solve problems far
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_00: beyond what they were designed to address.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_00: I even expected the church to provide me with a relationship with God.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_00: Looking back, that last one is particularly interesting.
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_00: There were periods when I essentially gave God an hour on Sunday morning.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_00: During that hour, I was mostly interested in discussing my problems and what I needed.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't spend much time during the rest of the week thinking about God.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_00: Getting to know God or showing much curiosity about the relationship.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_00: If I approached my relationship with Jen that way, I don't imagine we'd be getting married.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, I have an hour available Sunday morning.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_00: During that hour, I'd primarily like to discuss myself and everything I need from you.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_00: I don't have much availability the rest of the week.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_00: It's difficult to imagine why that relationship wasn't particularly intimate.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_00: Over time,
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_00: I've started thinking differently about where some of the things I'm looking
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_00: for actually come from.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_00: I used to think of my employer as the source of my financial security.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_00: Today, I'm more inclined to think of my employer is a stream through which provision happens.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_00: Jobs change, organizations change, opportunities disappear, new ones emerge.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_00: A stream can dry up without the source disappearing.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_00: I've experienced something similar with relationships.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_00: Another person can love me deeply, support me, encourage me, and walk beside me.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_00: But asking another human being to become the source of my worth,
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_00: security,
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_00: or peace places a burden on that relationship
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_00: that I'm not sure any person could carry.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_00: The same is true of therapy, recovery, churches and all kinds of institutions.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_00: They can give us extraordinary things.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_00: They can help us see ourselves differently.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_00: They can teach us, challenge us and support us.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_00: They can introduce us to people and ideas that alter the direction
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_00: But perhaps we get into trouble when we mistake a stream for the Source.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_00: I increasingly call that Source God.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_00: I also understand why someone else might use different language.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_00: Someone might describe an inner resource.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_00: Someone else might understand it through psychology.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_00: Spirituality, Philosophy, Consciousness, Faith, or something I haven't yet encountered.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_00: I don't feel much need to settle that argument anymore.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe we're standing at different windows.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_00: My faith becoming more important to me hasn't made me feel like I understand everything.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_00: If anything, it has made me more aware of how much I don't understand.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_00: I can believe deeply in what I see through my window,
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_00: while remaining open to the possibility
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_00: that someone standing somewhere else can see something I can't.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_00: I think the same is true in almost every part of my life.
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_00: Major doesn't need to have everything figured out to show me something I'm missing.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_00: Mom's financial philosophy doesn't need to answer every question about money
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_00: for some of her advice to change my life.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_00: Jen doesn't need to be right about everything for the fan to look better
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_00: where she wanted it three days ago.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: My staff doesn't need to understand every part of my job to see something I missed.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_00: My sponsor doesn't need to experience my life exactly as I do
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_00: to help me see something that's directly beneath my window.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe self-awareness isn't something we accomplish entirely by ourselves.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_00: I am going to be at the center of my world because I have no other place from which
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_00: to experience.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_00: I'm always going to see through my own eyes.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_00: I'm always going to have a window.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_00: And there will always be something directly beneath it that I can't see.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think the answer is to distrust my own perspective.
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_00: I think it's to become humble enough to recognize its limitations.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_00: Mm-hmm.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_00: My life tends to get better when my ego takes a backseat long enough for me
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_00: to receive what the people who love me are trying to give me.
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe the goal isn't to find the perfect window.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's becoming secure enough in where we're standing that every once in a
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_00: while we're willing to walk around the room and see what becomes visible
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_00: from somewhere else.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_00: If this story resonated with you,
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_00: you can find the written version on my Substack, Understanding Yourself.
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_00: Until next time, keep asking better questions and keep understanding yourself.