Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Fair Play: When You Don't Want To Admit You're An Overfunctioner

Transcript

Fair Play: When You Don't Want To Admit You're An Overfunctioner · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

0:05
Hey, everybody. Welcome to the dr.
0:07
Psych mom show, today, I'm going to be talking about fair play,
0:12
which is a book by Yves Rossy ski and it is supposed to make
0:18
your marriage more Equitable. So I will give you my review of
0:21
that just as soon as I tell you to subscribe because I have
0:26
great subscriber. Only podcast coming out most
0:30
recently, nobody likes a whiner, the differentiating between
0:34
being an emotional man. And I know why any man and stop
0:38
telling your wife to get a hobby.
0:39
Just funny because of this book talks lots and lots about
0:43
Hobbies but it calls a unicorn space.
0:46
So if you've been listening to me you know I probably don't
0:49
like terms like unicorns face but I mean, I was really trying
0:54
to keep an open mind with this book because somebody
0:57
recommended it and my Facebook group which you should join.
1:00
If you are interested in things like psychology and you know all
1:04
the shit I talked about. Out anyhow.
1:06
So let's dive right into the book.
1:07
I don't like the book so let's just like the there's some good
1:11
parts I guess. I honestly like it's funny.
1:16
I like the surrendered wife better than this book and you
1:20
would never think that the two titles fair play and the
1:23
surrendered wife would have anything to do with one another.
1:26
You would think they were totally different, they actually
1:28
have quite a lot of overlap except the surrendered wave.
1:30
Sounds like she still may have a husband was a pair of testicles,
1:33
whereas the fair played Then, and I'll talk about why I see
1:38
this distinction. So the entire premise of like my
1:44
relational approach, vis-à-vis couples counseling, and even
1:49
working with individuals about their relationships is to stop
1:53
scorekeeping like, literally, I have posed like scorekeeping is
1:58
toxic for the marriage. I have a podcast on the only
2:01
kind of good score, keeping spoiler alert, it's when you're
2:03
tallying up the shit, the Other person does not what you do.
2:07
So like this runs counter to everything that I think sitting
2:11
down with. So what you have to do is sit
2:13
down, you can read the book. I mean, it really doesn't take
2:16
that long. It's you get, there's like all
2:18
these things, you know, like Pet Care making the meals every day
2:22
of holiday cards, you know, things that are everyday things
2:26
and then things that are not everyday things.
2:28
And you got to kind of decide together which things you should
2:32
keep in which things you shouldn't keep.
2:36
You know what things are really important and which ones just
2:38
make people upset because they're doing them all the time.
2:40
And really, maybe you can assume that that you can get them off
2:44
your plate, but out of the things that are left your
2:46
supposed to divide them equally or equitably.
2:49
Even if everybody doesn't have the same amount of cards.
2:51
There's, there's an equitable distribution that both people
2:55
agree with, but the premise that that I really it's hard for me.
3:00
The premise is, is that kind of one of the major points.
3:05
Points of this book is because that this book was written, it's
3:09
because the woman was over functioning so dramatically, she
3:14
had a single mother. So this is all that she saw.
3:15
As she was over functioning, you could go back to my podcast on
3:18
over functioning. And so she was pretty much doing
3:20
everything. And the guy was the one working
3:24
and then she was working, but then she stepped back at work,
3:27
she went part-time after the kids were born, whatever.
3:30
There's like their whole story interwoven with all these other
3:32
stories, you know, of And and how they divide things and
3:38
basically the first was basically her saying that she
3:42
and all of her friends do everything and their husbands
3:45
are kind of useless except for paid work.
3:47
Now as somebody whose primary Breadwinner, I don't think that
3:52
paid work is useless. I mean, I know she doesn't
3:55
outright say it but there's this whole thing about time and that
3:59
the time spent taking your kid to the doctor is like the same
4:03
as the time. I ain't making money now.
4:06
I mean, I'm not one to invoke the spectrum of privilege, very
4:10
often. I don't think I use that term,
4:12
you know, even a tenth of as much as my compatriots, but give
4:16
me a break like, you know, you can't take your kids in the
4:19
doctor if you don't have any money to pay the doctor.
4:22
So there is some point at which we gotta say that paid work is
4:25
pretty fucking important and that does not seem to be put in
4:28
here. And the main point of the
4:31
beginning of the book seems to be that the women are somehow
4:34
unable to. Being a highly educated and able
4:38
verbally to write an entire book, you know, somehow just
4:43
when the man asks, how can I help they sputter and say, I
4:46
don't know, just find something and then they're up in the
4:50
middle of the night doing like all this shit.
4:52
And basically textbook over functioning I would have loved
4:55
if this would have, you know like listen every book can't be
4:59
everything but I personally would have been more interested
5:02
if this would have gone into like Why on a deep deep level
5:07
did she feel that she had to be such an over function, ER,
5:10
people-pleaser. Like she grew up like this at
5:12
cetera and maybe her standards are really extremely high.
5:17
Something she has like people decide not to do birthday
5:20
parties anymore or something. But overall there's an idea that
5:26
like like color War. Like her husband took the card
5:30
for color war and he didn't have the right shirt.
5:32
So then there's this idea of what a jury of your Our peers
5:35
think that this did harm. And if so, yes, yes they would
5:41
is implied because the child doesn't fit in anymore a Color
5:45
Works, he doesn't have the yellow shirt.
5:47
So therefore, most people would decide that this was terrible.
5:50
And so therefore the man fell down on the job and I don't
5:53
really know what his punishment is perhaps.
5:56
It's having this whole book written about him, but there's
6:00
there's some sort of, you know, it's so it's so So so Tit for
6:06
Tat, I mean, that's literally the point of the book.
6:09
So honestly for me, it doesn't go deep enough, but then again,
6:14
it was not meant to be psychology book.
6:16
It's meant to be like a systems approach for in a businesslike,
6:22
way, making your marriage more Equitable, which its I see that
6:26
it's not great because the many of the couples that I see their
6:29
marriage already, too much like a business and they don't need
6:32
it to be more like a business and I'm failing lie when I
6:36
discuss chores with women and men and couples counseling.
6:39
There always seems to be deeper issues at play than the chores.
6:43
So in this so I myself as a therapist, we want to work with
6:47
women. So that why are you doing all of
6:50
these things? And just kind of assuming that
6:52
he can't do them never or you just literally asking him to do
6:56
them. Why do you need a hundred cards?
6:58
When many of the women I work with are like you know, most are
7:02
very smart, Highly Educated women.
7:04
And why would you need these cards?
7:08
Like you're allowed to just say, I don't want to do laundry
7:12
anymore. It's too much for me.
7:14
And you want a marriage where the man would be like, okay, I
7:17
will, and if your husband will not do the laundry, I am telling
7:22
you. It's not because he thinks your
7:23
time is less valuable than his. I've never seen a man.
7:26
See this thing that she says is so ubiquitous it's not
7:29
ubiquitous among the men that I see.
7:31
I've they really put their wives on pedestals.
7:34
In terms. At the woman does it at home.
7:36
But rather because you don't actually say it and mean it and
7:40
literally say I'm not doing laundry anymore.
7:42
If you say I'm not doing laundry anymore because I can, you don't
7:46
do laundry anymore. That's how it goes.
7:48
Any time I've really worked with a woman to do this.
7:50
The man is Step forth and done it.
7:52
So if you need a hundred cards to help you do this.
7:55
Okay. But here's my analogy.
7:57
Then you buddy here, has migraines or chronic back pain
8:00
or any sort of chronic pain. You know those people that are
8:03
like, hey did you try? Erin, you like, listen
8:06
motherfucker, if Excedrin would work, I wouldn't have my grades.
8:09
Those are in my grades. Those are like little tiny,
8:12
little fairy headaches. You know, if you've had
8:14
migraines you're like, you're right, I tried to Exedra.
8:17
When I was eight years old, I tried Excedrin.
8:19
Now, let me show you the 20 things I've tried after that.
8:22
So what I'm trying to say is, if this book helps you, you got
8:24
like the Excedrin level of of marital problems.
8:29
So if you just want to somehow have something fun to do, but
8:32
see I don't even think it's fun per se.
8:34
I think you could really Be pernicious to start this idea
8:38
that we're going to score keep which is literally the point of
8:40
the book which I've never seen scorekeeping go.
8:44
Well, unless you're trying to keep score of what the other
8:47
person is doing. I also did not see like any, I'm
8:53
going to reread it. If I'm wrong, then I'm wrong.
8:55
She frequently talks about that. That leads to better sex but I
8:58
don't see in any of the cards. Any sexual thing, any physical
9:02
thing, any like massage. Zhenya showering together
9:06
anything because the point is to make this like a better run
9:09
business and I guess they want to keep sex out of the equation.
9:12
But for at least half the population sex is like extremely
9:16
extremely important for the physical touch, love language
9:18
partner. So what the other analogy that I
9:22
kept thinking about was, could you imagine if a man came to his
9:24
wife and he's like, here's a hundred things that I watched on
9:27
pouring this past month. So what we're going to do is
9:30
we're going to divide them 50/50 any reasonable jury?
9:34
Would say that a man. To experience all of 100 of
9:36
these things, you know, certainly a jury of men.
9:39
So we're going to divide them, you're going to initiate half
9:42
and I'm going to initiate the other half.
9:43
Here's your stack of cards. The woman was shoved, a stack of
9:46
cards up his ass, which maybe it would be on his list.
9:48
So he would look out but otherwise it might be
9:51
uncomfortable. So she would be like, fuck you,
9:53
you decided all these things is what you think of.
9:56
It's a good sex life. I don't want to do any of those
9:59
damn things. You're lucky.
10:00
I want to do anything after you approach me in such a business,
10:03
like, cold way. About it.
10:06
So what I what I'm just saying is just because the woman thinks
10:11
that there should be a hundred things on this list, doesn't
10:13
mean there should be an back to the Excedrin analogy.
10:16
She's like, oh you just kind of sit down and you like decide
10:19
together which ones you think are important, man.
10:22
If you could decide that shit, would you need this book?
10:25
Like the main things that people are fighting about or that one
10:28
person is highly anxious over function or and the other person
10:31
is laid-back. They don't talk about why these
10:34
people found. One another, which is what I
10:36
talked about, you know, these codependent Dynamics, again, not
10:39
a psychology book. So out of all my critiques, that
10:42
is not a, you know, valid because not trying to be
10:44
psychology book, although it moves over into kind of a pop
10:47
psych domain at times. But it's more like, I guess,
10:51
sociological bent. But anyhow, the point is here,
10:56
if people could agree that you don't have to do Christmas
10:59
cards, great the average people cannot agree on that.
11:03
So then you end up with that That the person who wants to do
11:06
the thing ends up doing the thing, which makes sense to me
11:10
that like, actually makes sense to me, unless they can't do the
11:14
thing. So, like, everybody wants clean
11:16
clothes, I won't clean clothes. So I'll use myself.
11:18
I want clean clothes. I don't want to do the laundry.
11:21
I've actually never done laundry.
11:22
My husband is great, but my ex-husband is laundry too
11:25
because I don't like doing the laundry.
11:26
I really don't like doing the laundry so I don't do the
11:28
laundry. You know how the laundry gets
11:30
done. I don't ever do it so beat the
11:33
fuck out of me. How it gets done.
11:35
But it gets done because I don't do it.
11:37
Here's something I do like to do.
11:38
I like to do all the cooking so I do it.
11:41
It's like, if you are direct about what you need, you should
11:45
not need 100 cards. You really shouldn't.
11:49
You shouldn't really need any cars.
11:50
You should be able to say, I need this done.
11:53
I need that done. I can't do it.
11:54
What I like about the surrendered wife as she
11:56
frequently says that the woman should say I can't do this so I
11:59
said I can't do lunch. I have too much to do.
12:02
I can't do it. It's something I don't I use.
12:04
To be that the basement was very cold.
12:06
I hate the cold. I always had a newborn baby.
12:09
So I stopped doing it and it got done because I'm a reasonable
12:14
human being is go. Any guy that's going to use, the
12:17
fair play cards and get better, would have also used direct
12:20
discussion to get better when the women are.
12:23
Like I just don't even know how to tell him everything that I
12:26
do. And then there's a part where
12:28
they start cc'ing, the husband on everything they do like that
12:32
is like so fucking passive-aggressive it.
12:34
Insane. Meanwhile, so let's say, the guy
12:37
is at a paid job. Should he see?
12:39
See her on everything? He does at work?
12:42
It's the same eight hours. Somebody's got to make money.
12:46
I mean, this one just kind of blows my mind about the idea
12:49
that the paid work is the same as young paid work, because of
12:52
the paid work allows people to live and the other one doesn't.
12:58
So I've been both and I'll say it's certainly more important to
13:03
do the paid. Work net-net of course you still
13:06
gotta prepare meals. Is that the other?
13:08
But you can be so much more flexible with that stuff that I
13:11
with the unpaid work than the paid work.
13:13
For example, if I never wanted to cook again, I could order.
13:17
I could get, you know, the takeout, every day, or I could
13:20
get the frozen dinners every day I have that possibility, but if
13:24
I wanted to maintain my job, I couldn't just you know not show
13:29
up to my sessions right. Like I couldn't just make a
13:31
podcast that's just static, you know, there's Minimum
13:35
requirement whereas frequently for stuff in the home, there's
13:37
not a minimum requirement and if we pretend that there is and we
13:41
get into real weird stuff where we have to talk about a Jew,
13:44
what a jury of our peers would thing and that stuff just does
13:47
not make any sense to me that's like fairly nonsensical.
13:52
So what I'm trying to get at is I think this makes most
13:57
marriages feel more businesslike, not less
14:01
businesslike and the business like component leaves out the
14:04
Romantic component leads out the sexual component.
14:06
It leaves out the part where somebody actually wants to do
14:10
something for you because you say you can't and then they want
14:14
to fill in and be your hero who does the laundry versus that.
14:17
It's on their stack, I never see anybody excited about doing
14:21
shit. That's on their stack.
14:22
You know, that that is just like making the home into a place
14:27
where there is work that doesn't get you recognition, doesn't get
14:31
your appreciation and if the women are in fact, Thing to
14:35
their husbands. I do all of this stuff and the
14:38
guy is saying yeah. Fuck you, it's meaningless.
14:42
I have actually never seen that in reality.
14:45
The reality is is the guys are like, why is she saying all
14:48
this? There must be something that she
14:50
wants me to do. I don't know what it is because
14:52
when I say, what can I do about this?
14:54
She says, I don't know, just figure it out.
14:56
Also frequently in this. She says that if women forward
15:00
something to their husband and say, can you handle this?
15:02
The man doesn't do it. I'm not.
15:03
I I don't know why because I work with many, many couples and
15:09
they say, oh I forward Financial stuff, for example, to my
15:12
husband and he deals with it all the time.
15:14
So just start forwarding some other stuff to your husband.
15:17
If your husband really thinks that little of you that he
15:20
ignores your emails, you have such a bigger problem than fair
15:24
play cards. If your husband's really looking
15:27
down on you, for taking the kid, to the doctor, versus having
15:32
paid work, then you got a bigger problem.
15:34
So a lot of that stuff cannot be rectified by something like fear
15:37
play cards. Now everything is, you know, has
15:41
its positives and negatives. So the Unicorn space idea, I
15:44
thought it's a stupid name but that's just me.
15:47
I really hate things like that. That are corny like that, but it
15:50
means to find your passion for sure.
15:53
Find your passion have a hobby that you really like start
15:56
writing a book, do whatever, find the time for that.
15:59
I don't think you need a deck of cards to allow people in a
16:01
loving partnership. To say, I want to pursue my
16:04
passion. But if you, if you don't do
16:07
that, if you feel anxious about saying that to a partner and it
16:11
helps you to have this unicorn space idea.
16:13
That's great. Everybody should try to
16:15
self-actualize. That's cool.
16:17
I do see that. That would be a nice thing to
16:21
talk about. In general is, how can we both
16:24
self-actualize and do stuff? That's important to us that
16:27
should be part of the general discussions that go on in a
16:30
relationship. Also, there's this idea that I'm
16:33
of two minds about Where she says, that a task really isn't
16:36
yours unless you do the CPE where you do the full conception
16:40
planning and execution. So, for example, if somebody was
16:42
in charge of weeknight dinners they would have to meal prep,
16:46
get the food plan, the food and then cook the food.
16:49
Like you're not allowed to do that together.
16:51
I think because the invisible work is in the conception and so
16:56
I don't know it. I don't really get it
16:59
personally. I think that it's very useful if
17:02
it like let's say you like meal planning but you don't like
17:04
cooking. So then Why can't you do the
17:05
meal planning? And then the other one does the
17:06
cookie? I don't really get that.
17:08
Like, you could divide it. She's really let me try to find
17:11
you the thing on which he says about both, because she doesn't
17:14
like when it's both. So she says here here, what if
17:20
we're stuck? This isn't a Q&A.
17:22
What if we're stuck is we each do certain aspect of a card
17:25
answer, a core tenet of fair plays, a redefinition of
17:28
teamwork in order for your home to be governed by efficiency and
17:32
accountability you must negotiate Be responsible for the
17:35
entire conception planning and execution for the card at hand.
17:38
If you're both holding a card and can agree who will be the
17:41
lead, you run the risk of falling into a both trap, the
17:44
double up, or The Break-Up more below here, way.
17:48
Now, let's keep going. The double up.
17:50
What could be wrong with both of you holding a particular card?
17:53
Plenty, consider this scenario, Maria.
17:56
And Powell. I receive an email from the
17:58
school that the fourth grade is about to start a chemistry unit
18:01
called mystery. Powders says, I assume the
18:04
cocaine A part of this of this glass, their child's teacher
18:08
includes this note your child has been identified as having a
18:10
food allergy since we will be experimenting with six different
18:13
mystery powders. Please, fill out the following
18:15
school for it to be 100%. Sure, your child can touch
18:17
experiment with each powder who's holding this card.
18:20
Since the school forms card hasn't been assigned.
18:23
I guess these people deserve to die for not having a signed.
18:26
It Maria and Powell both unknowingly.
18:28
Fill it out and hit submit doubly efficient, right?
18:31
Wrong. That's like actually good.
18:35
Wrong. What happens next?
18:37
Is that, they each get a call from the school nurse, because
18:39
one of them is indicated, that powder number two is unsafe.
18:41
While the other indicated, otherwise, they must now regroup
18:44
and fill out of third form. Third is an italic to clear up
18:49
the allergy dispute a day later they argue over, who should drop
18:52
off the form. Youth school office, the
18:56
corrected form requires both their signatures and a hand
18:59
delivery where the hell they go to school Fort Knox?
19:02
If one of them had only filled It out initially it would have
19:06
saved a lot of time and bakery. I want to know which is the one
19:09
that doesn't know. The kid is allergic because to
19:11
me that's a bigger problem, right?
19:13
One of them's like Peter powders.
19:15
Okay? Maria designed the Powell is
19:17
like you idiot and the kid will die.
19:21
No, I'm kidding. All right, so here we wait.
19:24
Wait, wait, so wait back to. I got so excited.
19:28
I walked away from the book and it closed another
19:31
all-too-common, double up Ally and Ben had to their local.
19:34
Big Box store like to share decision-making.
19:37
It's fun spending time together. They claim what really happened.
19:42
Ali takes off down aisle 3, with her list of Basics, been heads
19:46
off to the refrigerated section returns with Omaha, Steaks, and
19:50
a case of ice cream sandwiches on.
19:52
And on this goes until the card is full and 22 hours.
19:58
Is it real life? Two hours of past?
20:01
It's not until a lien been get home relieved.
20:03
The grandparents of watching the baby.
20:05
Well like so much is going on here and start unpacking the
20:09
bags that they realized neither one.
20:12
Remember the diapers. Okay man.
20:14
Like this is a crazy shit so I mean I was talking about
20:18
privilege before but like okay the grandparents are watching
20:22
the baby while y'all have a to our grocery playdate yourselves.
20:27
I mean, I didn't know before. Is that diapers like you think
20:30
that this problem is going to be solved by only one of these
20:33
idiots going? I mean, I mean, I think this is
20:37
like, the that is extraordinarily unusual.
20:40
You know, I mean, not only with the diapers Beyond subscribe and
20:43
say but like what the fuck who has ever left their kit?
20:47
Okay, maybe I'm wrong, Maybe I'm Wrong.
20:49
Maybe this happens all the time. Admittedly, I work with many
20:53
adult children of dysfunctional, family, but the idea of going on
20:57
this thing and then nobody remembers the diapers and the
21:00
kid is at home with grandparents meanwhile so that you could do
21:03
this wonderful thing together. I mean it just isn't it's
21:06
nothing that I've seen but anyway if these people a lien
21:11
been these idiots that don't know the diapers want to go to
21:15
the fucking grocery together. Why can't they go?
21:18
I don't get it that would be fun.
21:20
Apparently was so much fun they forgot the diapers so my husband
21:23
I go grocery shopping together sometimes why not?
21:26
You know this is extremely. Xaro and Maria and Powell, not
21:31
know what the allergies thing. And it would be the third
21:33
signature. I mean, these seem like
21:34
extremely strange situations that.
21:37
Yes, I guess they could be figured out with some common
21:43
sense or possibly just with a discussion about, you know, next
21:48
time, we'll remember the diapers.
21:49
I mean, it sounds like there are now for caregivers for these.
21:51
This child that's being babysat. So somebody else can go back out
21:54
and get the diapers. Maybe them go into the grocery
21:57
together with So much fun. Apparently he got it Stakes.
22:01
He got his ice cream, he's ready to rock that.
22:03
It's worth it to them, to have to go back and get the diapers.
22:06
The point is, we're back before I got to those examples of these
22:10
alien people. We the part that I really don't
22:15
like here is the accountability thing that this is the point
22:18
that point of your household is efficiency and accountability.
22:22
There is no nothing romantic, there is nothing.
22:25
Tender, I heard a whole post about like Ocean of laborers and
22:29
ineffective way to say, take care of me, what women really
22:33
seem to want in. This book is for the guide to
22:35
say sweetheart. I'll tell me what you want and
22:39
I'll do it. But they just literally are too
22:41
scared and to over functioning and too much of people Pleasers
22:45
or too anxious or really raised to just never express themselves
22:49
that they don't know how to say. I don't want to do the grocery
22:52
shopping anymore. I can't do it.
22:54
It's too much. And so then an entire book is
22:57
written. And I have I've been in this
23:00
field so too long to think that people are going to keep using
23:04
this cards after the first week. Usually, if there is not real
23:08
deep emotional, change and Union and that includes tenderness and
23:14
romantic connection and an intimate connection, then these
23:17
sorts of systems, which she's not the first one that thought
23:20
of systems, there's people that have lists of who does wad.
23:23
There's plenty of people who forward shit to their partner.
23:27
He forwards her, the school stuff.
23:28
Forward him, the finance stuff for the house stuff.
23:31
Whatever people have been doing this for a long time before this
23:35
book came around, but when the marriage really is transformed
23:39
is when people can come together and speak openly versus versus
23:47
being even more formal, even in an overly formalized way.
23:55
That is inflexible. That's Wires that really just
24:00
that the family operate like a business and all businesses are
24:04
not like what we would want. Our our house to feel like like
24:09
yes, the sun she says it's some point.
24:11
The kid will learn about division of labor and about a
24:15
partnership who learned about a partnership in one way he'll
24:17
learn about. Like you know, we are we are a
24:19
working team possibly where there is really not much
24:23
flexibility involved and I will bet anything that the woman
24:28
usually Winds on what is important in these things
24:31
anyway, which she usually does, you know, she cares more about
24:35
certain things. But but will that child, learn
24:39
about love and grace and tenderness and sacrifice and a
24:45
positive way of talked about that, I don't really know.
24:49
So overall, I mean, it's great when anybody kind of comes up
24:54
with a new and catchy way to think about things and if you
24:57
are in the Excel, Urine cures. You're my grade level of towards
25:01
a vision, then maybe this could be an interesting thing to do.
25:04
If you do it though, really focus on this as like a fun task
25:10
to do as a date night. And to just see really do not
25:15
make it like a scorekeeping, tallying up.
25:18
We are each bragging about what we each do and the entire point
25:21
is for the man to turn to the woman and fall on his sword and
25:25
say, oh my God, you're right. Like, you know, you've Figuring
25:29
out all the different flavors of ice cream that we want in our
25:31
house is equivalent to me, earning a living.
25:33
It isn't, you know? And I mean, just flip the
25:36
genders quickly to think about how silly it would seem for,
25:40
let's say, if the woman was the primary Breadwinner for if the
25:43
man said me figuring out, which day color war is next week, it's
25:48
equally as important as your meeting with your boss, she
25:54
would be like fuck. No, it's not, you know, and I've
25:57
seen this happen. Myriad times my office, the
26:00
woman is like women that are the sole Breadwinner particular and
26:04
there I have more and more of those.
26:06
And even the primary Breadwinner are like if I do not meet with
26:11
my boss we don't make our bills and so know it isn't you know,
26:17
and women are way more open about that because I guess they
26:20
are allowed to be because it's considered so good and so
26:23
unusual that they are the primary Breadwinner which is
26:25
going to Abate because there's more and more women who are.
26:28
I bet it's going Half-and-half soon.
26:29
But anyway, men aren't really allowed to say that like my
26:32
boss, my meeting with my boss is more important than you go into
26:36
Target to get the color War T-shirt and a fact whether our
26:38
kid participates in color war is actually globally less important
26:42
than whether I keep my job, but I think that's common sensical
26:46
and in a world where it's not. There's just a lot of privilege
26:50
that needs to be that needs to be taken into it.
26:52
And I saw plenty of critiques that talked about the privilege
26:56
inherent in this book. But How if you got get anything
27:00
from it? Great.
27:01
Everything that can work for like many.
27:04
Maybe you love it, maybe you're just really just a door it,
27:07
which is good, but if it doesn't resonate with you and or if
27:10
you're one of the Myriad people that I have in my office who
27:12
tried this, and it didn't work, which is probably also coloring
27:16
my perspective of it as I've worked with so many people that
27:18
were like, but we could never decide on how to split up the
27:20
cards because we can't decide on anything because that's the
27:25
problem is we don't get along. So You are one of those people
27:29
where it didn't work for you and you felt like some kind of freak
27:32
because it didn't work girl or man, you're not alone.
27:35
It doesn't work for a lot of people and perhaps some of the
27:38
things that I brought up indicate, why it may not be a
27:41
good fit for all sorts of marriages.
27:44
And perhaps also why the business like aspect May really
27:47
great on you particularly if you are in a marriage as so many are
27:52
where they feel like the business part is coming really
27:54
ahead of the intimacy. Sexual romantic part.
27:58
But I did, I did read it quickly, I read it real quick so
28:03
maybe I'm missing the part where they have the blowjob card and
28:06
if they do, I'm going to come back and it done this.
28:09
And I'm going to say good job Eve.
28:10
Rod ski. All right, talk to everybody
28:14
soon. Hope you enjoyed this.
28:15
See, sometimes I do a real long one.
28:17
If it's like the weekend, I got this whole book.
28:19
I had to read that crazy shit with Polo me, this gave you like
28:22
a half hour podcast. All right.
28:24
Bye guys. Wait.
28:26
There is an addendum. I did not find the blowjob card
28:29
but I thought that this one was so funny and maybe this
28:31
summarizes might just taste for the kind of the tone of this.
28:35
Now listen to this one, you're going to get some more dramatic
28:38
readings. The CPE break up that was
28:41
conception planning execution for people in a coma that's
28:44
missed the first 100 times that she said, mom says to Dad on
28:49
Saturday morning, Michael's Mommy, and Me swim lesson is at
28:52
the same time as Lucy's birthday party.
28:54
How about you? Lucy to her friend's party and
28:56
I'll take Michael to the W. What happens?
28:59
Lucy never makes it to the party because Dad doesn't have the
29:03
hosts new dress or a contact number.
29:05
And when he texts mom for clarification, she's already in
29:07
the pool and not taking phone messages.
29:10
Wait, wait for it, his fault. No, this is a classic case of an
29:15
efficient project management. As a primary cardholder of
29:17
birthday celebrations. Parentheses other kids, mom took
29:20
the lead on the conception planning parentheses asking
29:23
answering the party RSVP. Managing all communication with
29:26
the party. Planner party.
29:28
Planner and buying a gift for Lucy's friend.
29:31
But then at the last minute she fell through and failed to
29:34
execute by not delivering Lucy to the party on time with gift
29:37
in hand without proper contact. Dad was set up to fail and
29:40
what's worse? Lucy missed out on all the fun
29:43
now. Now what, what what strikes me
29:48
is that, it doesn't say her fault no and then try to make it
29:53
more. Even it says as though, the
29:55
People only thing that you would think in this moment, reading
29:57
this book is that he fucked up. I don't think he fucked up.
30:01
I thought the both of them fucked up quite honestly because
30:04
she should be like, can you take Lucy to the party?
30:06
Here's the party. Here's where it is.
30:08
Here's the invitation. She is anything.
30:11
She fucked up and I will be like a fucked up or both fucked up,
30:14
but the entire tone of the book is like the man fucks up.
30:18
He fucks all this up. He can't, he doesn't care
30:20
enough. He doesn't understand enough.
30:22
He's too selfish so by even asking that too.
30:25
Iteration his fault know when like if you're looking at it
30:29
without that lends, you would never think that was like his
30:33
fault necessarily. But the way that she asked, the
30:36
question kind of, is the same tone that underlies, the whole
30:39
thing, which is pretty anti-male.
30:42
I in my perspective as a couple's counselor, so I just
30:46
wanted to add that in. I know, maybe I'll got all
30:48
excited, I found a blow job card but I have yet to find him,
30:51
okay? Talk soon.