Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / The wounded masculine ❤️‍🩹 Inner child work & abandonment…I wish this was taught in school!

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The wounded masculine ❤️‍🩹 Inner child work & abandonment…I wish this was taught in school! · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Apoday Production.
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  Speaker 2: Welcome to the Grow and Glow Podcast. I'm actually Bynes.
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  Speaker 2: This is a podcast where we learn.
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  Speaker 1: Laugh, and level up together.
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  Speaker 2: Let's go deep, let the emotions flow, find the lessons
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  Speaker 2: to grow and glow. Nothing is off the table with
• 0:24
  Speaker 2: Grow and Glow, and I'm here to be your expander.
• 0:30
  Speaker 2: Hello everybody, and welcome back to Grow and Glow. I've
• 0:33
  Speaker 2: got a special guest with me. I don't know how
• 0:35
  Speaker 2: I found you online, stalked you down somehow, and then
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  Speaker 2: I want to watch my girlfriend speak and you were
• 0:40
  Speaker 2: also on stage and I was like, oh my gosh,
• 0:42
  Speaker 2: so cool. So welcome Ryan to the podcast.
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  Speaker 3: Thanks for being here, Thank you so much for having
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  Speaker 3: me on.
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  Speaker 1: Today.
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  Speaker 2: We're talking about wounded masculine, which I think is a
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  Speaker 2: topic that I mean, I've looked a lot into but
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  Speaker 2: a lot of people might not understand or know much
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  Speaker 2: about it. But if you have a husband, a son,
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  Speaker 2: a brother, this information is going to be super super helpful.
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  Speaker 2: So we're going to go quite deep into it today.
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  Speaker 2: But before we do, we do a share of the week.
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  Speaker 1: Each week.
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  Speaker 3: Look, I was thinking about yeah, product or something like that,
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  Speaker 3: and then I really thought I want to give as
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  Speaker 3: much value as I can on this podcast, And something
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  Speaker 3: that's really been present for me as of late as
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  Speaker 3: being a single man at the moment, is learning how
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  Speaker 3: to cultivate a connection with the feminine energy without women.
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  Speaker 2: Wow.
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  Speaker 3: Yes, so I've been exploring that. It's been really cool
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  Speaker 3: doing that in a very conscious way, being not in
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  Speaker 3: a relationship at the moment and being able to actually
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  Speaker 3: explore that and find those connections within myself. Like, yeah,
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  Speaker 3: it's been incredible. So instead of receiving let's say, even
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  Speaker 3: like the physical touch of having a partner, this is
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  Speaker 3: for men and women as well. Yeah, it's learning how
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  Speaker 3: to meet those needs within myself and connecting with myself
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  Speaker 3: on that depth and that level. It's been really really cool,
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  Speaker 3: really Yeah. And simple things like being intentional about the
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  Speaker 3: feminine energy of like having a bar, but like receiving,
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  Speaker 3: practicing receiving like the warmth of the bath, like the sensations,
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  Speaker 3: like the subtleness of it, allowing myself to receive which
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  Speaker 3: is which is a feminine Yeah.
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  Speaker 1: It's a beautiful dance.
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  Speaker 2: Whenever I talk about masculine and feminine energy, sometimes get
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  Speaker 2: a bit of a pushback online because I think people
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  Speaker 2: think that you're either masculine or you're feminine, but both
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  Speaker 2: are so equally important and it's about like bringing them
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  Speaker 2: together to work together.
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  Speaker 1: That's really cool.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, absolutely, So.
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  Speaker 2: Today we're talking about wounded masculine in your own words.
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  Speaker 2: What is that for someone who's never heard that terminology before?
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  Speaker 2: What is a wounded masculine?
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, So the wounded masculine energy is really the unprocessed
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  Speaker 3: trauma that we hold in our body as men and women.
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  Speaker 3: But for the most part, I'm just speaking to men. Yes,
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  Speaker 3: So it's the unprocessed trauma or wounds that we hold
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  Speaker 3: and store in our body based on the needs that
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  Speaker 3: we didn't have met in childhood.
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  Speaker 1: As a little boy.
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  Speaker 3: Yes. Yeah, My whole thing is helping men heal the
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  Speaker 3: little boy within them. What I'm speaking of is the
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  Speaker 3: sess energy and emotion, which is trauma that's stuck in
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  Speaker 3: the body, which then manifests as what we know is
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  Speaker 3: like toxic masculine traits. Yes, yeah, and that comes out
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  Speaker 3: as you know, everything we see in relationships, specifically like reactivity, defensiveness,
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  Speaker 3: and the wounded masculine traits that most people know about.
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  Speaker 2: So yeah, I just actually finished my last session last
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  Speaker 2: week with a feminine coach and majority of the sessions.
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  Speaker 2: I've always worked with male coaches, which I love, but
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  Speaker 2: I feel like it's been more in my head and
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  Speaker 2: logical and this is a problem.
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  Speaker 1: This is let's understand it, this is what you.
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  Speaker 2: Can do, Whereas with her it was all about like
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  Speaker 2: feeling and a lot of the sessions were visualizations going
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  Speaker 2: back to a moment that was traumatic for me and
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  Speaker 2: going back and actually had to visualize.
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  Speaker 1: Okay, where was my little girl, what was she wearing?
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  Speaker 1: Where was she in?
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  Speaker 2: Like a lot of time I was on my bed,
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  Speaker 2: curled up or in a corner crying, and then me,
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  Speaker 2: isn't my adult self have to walk in?
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  Speaker 1: And then what does she need?
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  Speaker 2: And at the start, I found it really hard to
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  Speaker 2: be there for her, and I remember crying in my
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  Speaker 2: second session. I was just crying. She's like, what's coming
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  Speaker 2: up for you? And I said, I'm scared I can't
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  Speaker 2: be consistent for her. And that moment I realized how
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  Speaker 2: much I abandoned myself all the time. And throughout this
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  Speaker 2: last three months, I've learned that I'd either go to
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  Speaker 2: food to distract from my feelings or scroll my phone.
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  Speaker 2: So throughout this three months, been so beautiful to now
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  Speaker 2: instead of when I go to grab my phone or
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  Speaker 2: go to look for a snack, I'm like, no, I
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  Speaker 2: actually need to go and sit with her. And I
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  Speaker 2: can't blame anyone else for abandoning me because I'm doing
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  Speaker 2: it all the time. And it's been so nice to
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  Speaker 2: build that trust and relationship with her aka and myself
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  Speaker 2: that I've always got my own back. But before this,
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  Speaker 2: it's just like I didn't realize how much that can
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  Speaker 2: impact your life. It's the most powerful work, but it's uncomfortable.
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  Speaker 3: It is. It is uncomfortable, and that's because as humans
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  Speaker 3: we do everything to avoid feeling pain. Yeah, And also
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  Speaker 3: like the greatest gifts are within that pain as well.
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  Speaker 3: The more a man has a capacity to face himself
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  Speaker 3: and do that work that you were just speaking of,
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  Speaker 3: the more courage he has to actually lean in and
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  Speaker 3: face himself, the easier it gets as well. And so
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  Speaker 3: for me in my healing journey, like it's always a journey,
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  Speaker 3: it's never.
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  Speaker 1: Ending, yeah, and I wish it was sometimes.
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  Speaker 3: What you just shared than is the exact prime example
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  Speaker 3: of the wounded and a child and men that are
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  Speaker 3: addicted to porn, drinking addictions, like scrolling their phone working.
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  Speaker 3: He's a massive probably the biggest one that yeah, yeah,
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  Speaker 3: probably the biggest one. And then typically where it comes
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  Speaker 3: out is when they create massive success and they sell
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  Speaker 3: their company or something happens, and then they lose a
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  Speaker 3: sense of purpose. Yeah, that little boy within him was
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  Speaker 3: gaining that sense of purpose through the validation of either
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  Speaker 3: making money or let's say a relationship. Yeah, And then
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  Speaker 3: he doesn't just lose the business or a relationship, he's
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  Speaker 3: losing his sense of meaning and purpose as well.
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  Speaker 2: When a man is in his wounded masculine energy, Can
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  Speaker 2: we talk about what happens in a relationship dynamic and
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  Speaker 2: what happens when he's not in a relationship the type
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  Speaker 2: of behavior, Like I know you said, there can be reactivity.
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  Speaker 2: Could you dive have a little bit more deeper into
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  Speaker 2: what shows up?
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  Speaker 3: Yeah? Absolutely, So this is really coming into what's known
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  Speaker 3: as toxic masculinity. And the thing is with toxic masculinity
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  Speaker 3: is there's actually no such thing. There's either healthy expressions
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  Speaker 3: of masculinity or unhealthy expressions of masculinity. When we label
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  Speaker 3: toxic masculinity, we're really putting a label and putting men
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  Speaker 3: into a box. Saying you're a toxic man, and we
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  Speaker 3: all have the capacity for these traits. I've been labeled
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  Speaker 3: a toxic masculine man before, and I held so much
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  Speaker 3: shame on that because I made it mean that that's
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  Speaker 3: who I am.
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  Speaker 1: I'm a toxic male.
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  Speaker 3: Yes, yeah, And the biggest issue with the wounded in
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  Speaker 3: a child is we internalize what's called toxic shame. So
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  Speaker 3: we need healthy levels of shame, which gives us boundaries
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  Speaker 3: as humans. So we need a healthy level to know
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  Speaker 3: our limits as humans. Right. But when a little boy
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  Speaker 3: doesn't have his needs met in the sense of he
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  Speaker 3: knows love is not going to be taken away from
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  Speaker 3: him if he makes a mistake, he knows that he's
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  Speaker 3: a high priority, his needs matter, his emotional experience matters,
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  Speaker 3: and that his parents are okay. As children are egocentric,
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  Speaker 3: the world revolves around us because we have to have
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  Speaker 3: our needs met. Yeah, And because it makes no sense
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  Speaker 3: to a child that he's not getting his basic survival
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  Speaker 3: needs met because of what's happening in his parents, well
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  Speaker 3: maybe because they're emotionally disconnected, he starts to internalize that
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  Speaker 3: shame as if there is something wrong with me, and
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  Speaker 3: it's no longer I've made a mistake, It's I am
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  Speaker 3: the mistake. It's no longer I made a fuck up.
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  Speaker 3: I am the fuck up.
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  Speaker 1: So for a little kid to carry, yes.
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  Speaker 3: This is the foundation of shame that then his life
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  Speaker 3: is built upon. Based on that identity that he's built
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  Speaker 3: his life on, that foundation of shame is the unprocessed
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  Speaker 3: trauma of that little boy who feels at his core
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  Speaker 3: there's something wrong with me and who I am is
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  Speaker 3: not okay, and that trapped energy of the wounded boy,
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  Speaker 3: or that trauma in the body. As I shared before,
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  Speaker 3: like love and connection and having our needs met as
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  Speaker 3: our survival and as a child. If you don't have
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  Speaker 3: those basic needs, those dependency needs met in childhood, the
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  Speaker 3: other option is you die. Right because we as humans
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  Speaker 3: were dependent, we don't have caregivers to look after us
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  Speaker 3: and feed us and take care of us. We will
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  Speaker 3: die to a little boy who experiences inconsistent or disconnected
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  Speaker 3: love from his parents based on what's going on. And
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  Speaker 3: it could be as simple as your mom might not
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  Speaker 3: be solely connected to herself and she can't fully reflect
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  Speaker 3: back to you that all of you is welcome and okay,
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  Speaker 3: and in that moment, that little boy is shame based.
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  Speaker 3: There's something wrong with me, something broken with me. You know,
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  Speaker 3: this is very much my journey, my story, right, this
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  Speaker 3: was me and this is what I call the mother wound.
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  Speaker 3: I'm really given the back context of like how this
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  Speaker 3: then shows up in relationships. But the deepest core wound
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  Speaker 3: that men experience is the mother wound. And it's not
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  Speaker 3: necessarily the actual mother, but it's the energy of the mother.
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  Speaker 3: It's motherly energy. So the nurturing, the soft touch, the
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  Speaker 3: reflection back to him that all of him is welcome,
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  Speaker 3: and okay, the quality of touch that he received from
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  Speaker 3: his mother or his dad as well, it's the motherly energy.
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  Speaker 3: So when he doesn't receive this, he's then stuck in
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  Speaker 3: a state of survival. When we're in survival, we do
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  Speaker 3: everything in our power to get out of cvival, right,
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  Speaker 3: so we be and become whoever we need to be
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  Speaker 3: in order to get our needs.
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  Speaker 1: Mate, Like so much sense.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, So now this little boy from the absolute beginning
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  Speaker 3: is shape shifting and becoming the chameleon to be and
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  Speaker 3: become whoever he needs to be to either win approval
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  Speaker 3: from his dad or to receive consistent love, and that
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  Speaker 3: to have reflected back to him that all of him
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  Speaker 3: is welcome and okay. So when this little boy is
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  Speaker 3: stuck in this date of survival, he no longer has
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  Speaker 3: the safety in his environment and in his nervous system
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  Speaker 3: to be in tune with his own internal experience growing up.
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  Speaker 3: He stops receiving the gifts and the strengths that he's
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  Speaker 3: supposed to receive in each stage of development. So basically
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  Speaker 3: he loses his childhood. He loses what he's supposed to
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  Speaker 3: receive in every stage of development. So for example, in infancy,
• 10:31
  Speaker 3: when we don't have our call dependency needs met, we
• 10:33
  Speaker 3: become dependent in relationship or overly independent in relationship, so
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  Speaker 3: anxious or avoidant attachment. Right when that attachment system is activated, right,
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  Speaker 3: that's where the little boy comes out in relationship. And
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  Speaker 3: now he's in survival. And when he's in survival, he
• 10:49
  Speaker 3: bees and becomes whoever he needs to be in order
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  Speaker 3: to keep his partner happy. So she stays and loves him,
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  Speaker 3: so he becomes the nice guy. The people pleas are yes, yeah,
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  Speaker 3: or he disconnects because it's too painful, and he actually
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  Speaker 3: shuts off and just closes off and moves away. Right,
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  Speaker 3: So then this is how those toxic masculine traits start
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  Speaker 3: showing up in relationships. But it's the energy this little boy, Like,
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  Speaker 3: at the core of a man, we just want to provide,
• 11:17
  Speaker 3: and we want the absolute best for the people that
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  Speaker 3: we love most, Like we just want to give them everything.
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  Speaker 3: Like every man I've ever speak to, like at his core,
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  Speaker 3: that is what he wants to do is serve and provide.
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  Speaker 3: Survival is more important than that. So when that little
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  Speaker 3: boy is activated, that's when he starts hurting the people
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  Speaker 3: that he loves. And even though he's trying his absolute
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  Speaker 3: best to provide and be the best man possible, he's
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  Speaker 3: unconscious to how his wounds are actually pushing people away
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  Speaker 3: or how his wounds are actually hurting other people, the
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  Speaker 3: people he loves most. And I normally say, like, the
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  Speaker 3: reason why the wounded in a boy comes out in
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  Speaker 3: relationships is because it's the safe space where he's finally
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  Speaker 3: having it reflected back to him of a love that's
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  Speaker 3: so meaningful to him, right, that reflects his parents and
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  Speaker 3: as a representation of the love he received from his parents.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, So if someone's listening and they're like, oh my gosh,
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  Speaker 2: I can so see this in my partner, but it's
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  Speaker 2: really hard to hold when they become anxious. First of all,
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  Speaker 2: do you want to give a little breakdown on anxious
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  Speaker 2: attachment and avoid an attachment? Then that will further answer
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  Speaker 2: my question of like, how do they help support that
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  Speaker 2: little boy or encourage their husband to support their own
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  Speaker 2: little boy?
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  Speaker 3: Yeah? Great question. So the anxious is think of anxious
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  Speaker 3: as can't remember which book I got this from, but
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  Speaker 3: I saw these two pictures. I was like, that is
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  Speaker 3: a perfect example of this. Anxious is like the octopus.
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  Speaker 3: So when the anxious is activated in a man or
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  Speaker 3: even a woman, yes, is the tentacles start reaching out,
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  Speaker 3: They start trying to grab anything and everything. Yes, anything
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  Speaker 3: and everything. The anxious attachment is very much the sitting
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  Speaker 3: by your phone checking it five times every thirty seconds
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  Speaker 3: to see if your partner replied or responded, or the
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  Speaker 3: constant rumination of like, what are they doing? You know
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  Speaker 3: what's happening in reassurance all the time? Yep? Yeah. And
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  Speaker 3: at the root of that is the fear of abandonment,
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  Speaker 3: fear of this person's going to leave me, right, so
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  Speaker 3: I must be become whoever I need to be in
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  Speaker 3: order for them to stay. I need to keep getting
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  Speaker 3: touch points. I need constant reassurance that you're not going
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  Speaker 3: to leave me, that I'm okay, I'm all good. And
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  Speaker 3: the biggest issue is when a man doesn't have that
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  Speaker 3: ability to self soothe and regulate his emotions because he
• 13:30
  Speaker 3: didn't receive that strength in development. Now he's in a
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  Speaker 3: state of activation and he doesn't know what to do. Yeah,
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  Speaker 3: so he then distracts. He then just goes, I'm just
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  Speaker 3: going to train really hard today.
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  Speaker 1: Successful, yes, right, yeah.
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  Speaker 3: Yes, and distracts. And when we distract, we actually separate
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  Speaker 3: ourselves and we become more disconnected over time because we're
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  Speaker 3: actually moving further away from feeling.
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  Speaker 1: What needs to be felt.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, that's the anxious, And then the avoidance is it's
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  Speaker 3: so painful, I shut down.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah. So think of this as like fight or flight response.
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  Speaker 3: So we've got fight flight, which is pretty much the anxious,
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  Speaker 3: like fight flight, I'm going to fight to get your
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  Speaker 3: attention and love and fawn. So feign response is actually
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  Speaker 3: people pleasing. It's a trauma response, becoming whoever you need
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  Speaker 3: to be in order to keep them happy so they stay.
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  Speaker 3: So those are the first three. So we got fight flight, fawn,
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  Speaker 3: and then we've got freeze right, freeze, and then pretty
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  Speaker 3: much disconnect and run away, which is avoidant, yeah, which
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  Speaker 3: is shut down, which is going quiet, stone walling, spending
• 14:31
  Speaker 3: less time at home. Imagine like pulling up in the
• 14:34
  Speaker 3: driveway and like not wanting to go inside because you're like, oh,
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  Speaker 3: like I don't know what. It's overwhelming for their nervous
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  Speaker 3: system pretty much basically, and they get into shut down
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  Speaker 3: or they need to run away or distance themselves. And
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  Speaker 3: that's pretty much the strategy that they developed as a
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  Speaker 3: child to either keep themselves safe or gain love and
• 14:51
  Speaker 3: connection in some way. That's how attachments really developed.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, those attachment stars I've spoken about before in the podcast.
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  Speaker 2: It's not just two men, Like I'm definitely more anxious
• 15:00
  Speaker 2: and my partners more an avoidant, which is like the opposite.
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  Speaker 2: So I'd get more anxious than he'd avoid more. They
• 15:05
  Speaker 2: can like separate more and you've got both in a relationship.
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  Speaker 3: Something that's not spoken about enough with this is that
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  Speaker 3: it's actually healthy.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 15:13
  Speaker 3: Yeah, because I'm like, yeah, tell me what. Because opposites attract, true,
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  Speaker 3: we live in a yes, we live in a world
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  Speaker 3: of duality. Yes, we live in a world of polarity duality, right, yeah,
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  Speaker 3: and when we try and live a one sided life
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  Speaker 3: and in a two sided reality, it's the source of
• 15:33
  Speaker 3: all suffering, which is what my mental always shares with me.
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  Speaker 3: So understanding that like male, female, masculine and feminine, like
• 15:40
  Speaker 3: we have opposites to everything and in this sense, that's
• 15:43
  Speaker 3: why we're attracted to each other as humans. Yeah. But
• 15:46
  Speaker 3: then there's the activated anxious and avoidance, yes yeah, and
• 15:49
  Speaker 3: then there's the like the healthy stage where it's communicated
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  Speaker 3: you know what you need to feel safe, you know
• 15:55
  Speaker 3: what you need to come back to connection, yes, yeah,
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  Speaker 3: and then you know what you need within your relationship
• 16:00
  Speaker 3: for there to be a greater level of devotion and
• 16:02
  Speaker 3: vision towards what you're creating together.
• 16:04
  Speaker 2: It is really when you can have those conversations because
• 16:06
  Speaker 2: like we've been to get the sixteen years now, but
• 16:08
  Speaker 2: the start, which was just no understanding around it was
• 16:11
  Speaker 2: like anxious avoidant, It was.
• 16:12
  Speaker 1: Just caused a lot.
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  Speaker 2: But now it's like when you understand that person, you
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  Speaker 2: can actually support where they're at and know what they
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  Speaker 2: need to feel safe. And then over time like now
• 16:21
  Speaker 2: I'm just I'm so secure with him, I wouldn't even
• 16:23
  Speaker 2: describe myself as anxious with him. Maybe more friendships, but yeah,
• 16:27
  Speaker 2: it's really cool to understand those. So if I'm a
• 16:30
  Speaker 2: woman listening and I'm like, wow, my husband is so avoidant,
• 16:34
  Speaker 2: I understand all of this.
• 16:35
  Speaker 1: Now what do I do? Ryan? Help me? What advice
• 16:38
  Speaker 1: would you give?
• 16:40
  Speaker 3: The thing is with men, men need to do it
• 16:42
  Speaker 3: from a place of empowerment. That's the thing.
• 16:45
  Speaker 1: Good point criticism.
• 16:46
  Speaker 3: Yes, So typically when a woman pushes for a man to, hey,
• 16:50
  Speaker 3: do this work, Hey, listen to this podcast, Hey read
• 16:52
  Speaker 3: this book, his feeling is out the door. Yeah. Run,
• 16:55
  Speaker 3: you're playing the role of his mother again. Yes, true,
• 16:58
  Speaker 3: And with that that's the biggest tone for him, and
• 17:01
  Speaker 3: he's going to move even further away. But the greatest
• 17:03
  Speaker 3: invitation of woman can bring to the table to invite
• 17:07
  Speaker 3: a man into doing the work is by her going
• 17:10
  Speaker 3: first leading. Yes, hold the torch, yeesh. The beautiful part
• 17:14
  Speaker 3: about the feminine is a feminine woman will constantly, through
• 17:19
  Speaker 3: her self expression, trigger a man into doing the work.
• 17:24
  Speaker 3: And those triggers, over time are the subtle invitations for
• 17:28
  Speaker 3: him to lean in and face his deepest wounds. And
• 17:31
  Speaker 3: the unfortunate truth is most men wait until the feather
• 17:35
  Speaker 3: brick in the truck, right all, there's like a thousand
• 17:38
  Speaker 3: invitations for him to step up, to lead, to look
• 17:42
  Speaker 3: within and handle his past wounds that are showing up
• 17:45
  Speaker 3: in the relationship. Typically it's when it's painful enough.
• 17:49
  Speaker 1: So when there's a breakdown of the marriage.
• 17:51
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I don't think there's any one reason, but I
• 17:54
  Speaker 3: think that men are really good at especially men that
• 17:57
  Speaker 3: are very much in their head. They're very good at justifying,
• 18:02
  Speaker 3: and they're analytical thinking and like logically trying to solve problems.
• 18:08
  Speaker 3: What we're doing then is we're actually even creating more
• 18:10
  Speaker 3: disconnect because we're in our head more than being in
• 18:13
  Speaker 3: the body.
• 18:14
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 18:14
  Speaker 3: Yeah, And when we look at the mind, it's the
• 18:17
  Speaker 3: conscious mind is only five percent. So yeah, yeah, So
• 18:21
  Speaker 3: real transformation happens when we go with into the body
• 18:24
  Speaker 3: and start processing a lot of the wounds that are
• 18:26
  Speaker 3: in the body. So a woman going first being the
• 18:28
  Speaker 3: imitation through her self expression, through her just just being
• 18:33
  Speaker 3: her most empowered self, that's beautiful. Yeah.
• 18:36
  Speaker 2: I do feel like that's quite a common thing. Like,
• 18:38
  Speaker 2: if I think of my journey, Steve has definitely led
• 18:41
  Speaker 2: me in a lot of things, but I've definitely led
• 18:43
  Speaker 2: him and say with a lot of my girlfriends, and
• 18:44
  Speaker 2: normally the first one to start the self development, do
• 18:46
  Speaker 2: the courses, listen to the podcast, and then the man
• 18:49
  Speaker 2: starts to curious.
• 18:50
  Speaker 1: But as soon as you start to create.
• 18:51
  Speaker 2: I know for Steve, if I ever criticize him, it's like, well,
• 18:53
  Speaker 2: wall up, it just doesn't work, yeap.
• 18:56
  Speaker 3: The gift of the feminine for a man is she'll
• 19:00
  Speaker 3: constantly invite him into his heart. Yeah, constant imitations for
• 19:04
  Speaker 3: him to get out of his head into his heart.
• 19:06
  Speaker 3: Woman wants to feel that this man is connected to
• 19:09
  Speaker 3: his heart. So beautiful esphere she feels safe.
• 19:11
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 19:12
  Speaker 3: Yeah, So the feminine provokes for a man to be
• 19:16
  Speaker 3: connected to his heart, and a man provokes the feminine
• 19:19
  Speaker 3: to be connected to her body and in her body
• 19:22
  Speaker 3: and grounded in her body.
• 19:23
  Speaker 1: So beautiful.
• 19:25
  Speaker 2: I know you've spoken a lot about the little boy
• 19:27
  Speaker 2: and like infant stage and when we're growing up in
• 19:29
  Speaker 2: the first seven years are such an important part of
• 19:32
  Speaker 2: our life where we get all our beliefs. When I
• 19:35
  Speaker 2: was speaking to my husband about this recently, we're talking
• 19:38
  Speaker 2: about past traumas, he said, he feels like more of
• 19:41
  Speaker 2: his traumas have come from his twenties and the mistakes
• 19:45
  Speaker 2: he's made in his adult life rather than when he
• 19:48
  Speaker 2: was a child.
• 19:49
  Speaker 1: I think it can be both.
• 19:50
  Speaker 2: Do you think that is him avoiding and like maybe
• 19:53
  Speaker 2: not wanting to visit his childhood or do you think
• 19:55
  Speaker 2: that can be true that more traumas can come from
• 19:57
  Speaker 2: adult life as well.
• 19:59
  Speaker 3: Yeah, what I know to be true is that we
• 20:01
  Speaker 3: don't know what we don't know, and we'll do our
• 20:04
  Speaker 3: best with the information that we have. Yes, right, So
• 20:06
  Speaker 3: if that's the information that we have, that's cool. That's
• 20:09
  Speaker 3: all I've got. Now there's the two different types of trauma.
• 20:12
  Speaker 3: There's big T trauma, there's little tea trauma. Now, the
• 20:15
  Speaker 3: issue with this, With big T trauma, it's like there's
• 20:17
  Speaker 3: a big, very evident event that happened that I can
• 20:20
  Speaker 3: point my finger out all the details. It was that
• 20:22
  Speaker 3: when I was twenty. That's why I am this way, yes, right.
• 20:25
  Speaker 3: But then small TA trauma, which is what I work with,
• 20:27
  Speaker 3: it's this micro, subtle trauma that happens over a long
• 20:31
  Speaker 3: period of time that you can't put your finger on.
• 20:34
  Speaker 3: And typically it's emotional abuse that you experience in childhood,
• 20:39
  Speaker 3: and emotional abuse can actually just be Your parents were
• 20:42
  Speaker 3: disconnected from themselves emotionally and couldn't love you in the
• 20:45
  Speaker 3: way that you needed. Yes, that's emotional abuse. You didn't
• 20:48
  Speaker 3: get the needs. Abuse can be so subtle. The issue
• 20:51
  Speaker 3: with this is when we confuse love with the trauma
• 20:54
  Speaker 3: and the wounding that we experience growing up. So the
• 20:56
  Speaker 3: love that we receive growing up, that's our representation and
• 20:59
  Speaker 3: paradigm of love. Oh, that's the big issue. We don't
• 21:02
  Speaker 3: know any different.
• 21:04
  Speaker 1: So that's what that kind of say. I don't focus,
• 21:05
  Speaker 1: I don't know any different.
• 21:06
  Speaker 3: Yeah, that's what I saw mom and dad do. Like,
• 21:08
  Speaker 3: this is my representation and worldview of masculine and feminine energy.
• 21:13
  Speaker 3: I used to work with masculine and feminine energy. That
• 21:15
  Speaker 3: was like my work, right, Yeah, and then I got
• 21:18
  Speaker 3: over it because I was like, no real shift happens
• 21:22
  Speaker 3: in someone when you start integrating more of the masculine
• 21:25
  Speaker 3: archetypes or traits or the feminine.
• 21:28
  Speaker 1: It's the trauma you want to get too.
• 21:30
  Speaker 3: Yes, because at our core, we are naturally balanced within
• 21:35
  Speaker 3: our core energies. Right, So when a man has his needs, man,
• 21:40
  Speaker 3: he gains those strengths. So these developmental strengths he builds
• 21:44
  Speaker 3: a healthy relationship with his emotions, which is his feminine energy, right,
• 21:47
  Speaker 3: and then he has the ability to lead and make
• 21:49
  Speaker 3: decisions and be in his own frame of energy, which
• 21:51
  Speaker 3: is his masculine right. So in our core, we're naturally
• 21:54
  Speaker 3: balanced and the energy is already. So going back and
• 21:57
  Speaker 3: healing that little boy that didn't feel safe enough to
• 22:00
  Speaker 3: feel or express his emotions because maybe they would have
• 22:02
  Speaker 3: been dismissed, right, or may be he didn't actually even
• 22:06
  Speaker 3: have a representation or role model of what it meant
• 22:09
  Speaker 3: to feel and process your emotions. He becomes disconnected from
• 22:13
  Speaker 3: his feminine energy. That's a mother wound. Yes, this is
• 22:16
  Speaker 3: the mother wound and I'm speaking of the mother wound
• 22:18
  Speaker 3: is the feminine energy that we experienced growing up and
• 22:21
  Speaker 3: the disconnect we have with it. So that's how we
• 22:24
  Speaker 3: can Yeah, it really starts showing up in the masculine
• 22:26
  Speaker 3: and feminine dynamic. To bring it back to your question
• 22:29
  Speaker 3: about your partner and.
• 22:32
  Speaker 2: The micro emoment, Yes, yeah, I use an example last
• 22:35
  Speaker 2: night because we're actually talking about last night.
• 22:37
  Speaker 1: Our little girl was.
• 22:37
  Speaker 2: Sick and normally we pop her on a cot and
• 22:40
  Speaker 2: we're like no no, She's like no, I love you
• 22:41
  Speaker 2: and close the door and she goes to bed. And
• 22:43
  Speaker 2: last night she was like needing cuddles from me, and
• 22:46
  Speaker 2: then Steve woud leave the room.
• 22:47
  Speaker 1: She'd be like, daddy cuddles.
• 22:48
  Speaker 2: It went on for about fifteen minutes and singing, and
• 22:50
  Speaker 2: she needed this whole thing. And afterwards I was saying
• 22:53
  Speaker 2: to Steve, I was like, it's really nice that we
• 22:55
  Speaker 2: can be her pain, relief, her safety, her love, her everything.
• 22:59
  Speaker 2: And even though that was at the end of the day,
• 23:01
  Speaker 2: I was tired. I didn't feel like I had much
• 23:03
  Speaker 2: left in me for her. But I was like, if
• 23:06
  Speaker 2: we didn't, if we just popped in a cot and
• 23:08
  Speaker 2: then walked out and like let her cry to sleep,
• 23:10
  Speaker 2: that's a micro trauma. I was like, Oh, when I'm
• 23:12
  Speaker 2: at my worst, mom and dad can't show it for me,
• 23:14
  Speaker 2: when I cry, when I'm sick, when I'm whatever. I
• 23:18
  Speaker 2: want her to know that we're alwaysy no matter what
• 23:20
  Speaker 2: I think. If you miss those micro moments in your
• 23:23
  Speaker 2: adult life, it shows up. Is that a good example,
• 23:25
  Speaker 2: because that's how I felt.
• 23:26
  Speaker 3: Yep, yeah, absolutely, yeah. And is that something that you
• 23:30
  Speaker 3: experienced as a girl.
• 23:32
  Speaker 1: So many miss moments from my parents, so many.
• 23:34
  Speaker 3: Yeah, that's a beautiful example of a core wound that
• 23:39
  Speaker 3: you experienced in childhood. And one of the biggest issues
• 23:43
  Speaker 3: where the wounded in a child plays out. And I'm
• 23:46
  Speaker 3: not a parent, but I work with so many fathers,
• 23:49
  Speaker 3: so many fathers, and it's got nothing to do with
• 23:51
  Speaker 3: actually parenting, and everything to do with you parenting. You're
• 23:55
  Speaker 3: in a girl or in a boy, yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 23:57
  Speaker 3: The biggest issue where the wounded in a child comes
• 24:00
  Speaker 3: out is how you parent your children. And typically it's
• 24:04
  Speaker 3: from place of I'm going to give you everything that
• 24:07
  Speaker 3: I never had, Yeah, and in doing so, you're robbing
• 24:11
  Speaker 3: that child from their independence. Yeah. Or this is how
• 24:15
  Speaker 3: I was treated because this is what's familiar to me,
• 24:18
  Speaker 3: and this is how you should also be treated. Or
• 24:21
  Speaker 3: one thing was and this is what I experienced was
• 24:24
  Speaker 3: my dad. He was like, well, I didn't have this
• 24:26
  Speaker 3: as a kid, so why should you have it?
• 24:28
  Speaker 1: Yeah? I turned out all right, so you'll be fine. Yeah.
• 24:30
  Speaker 3: So that's a little boy in him like this, Like,
• 24:33
  Speaker 3: how come he gets to have it? I didn't have it?
• 24:35
  Speaker 3: So parenting from the wounded in a child, right, and
• 24:38
  Speaker 3: when we're unconscious to it, like we don't know the
• 24:40
  Speaker 3: difference between anything because we aren't aware of it. Yeah yeah,
• 24:45
  Speaker 3: So what I would say, like about your partner is
• 24:48
  Speaker 3: all roads lead to childhood, and typically what we experience
• 24:51
  Speaker 3: in our early adulthood is actually based on the foundation
• 24:56
  Speaker 3: of that shame that's already there, and then our life
• 24:59
  Speaker 3: is then built upon and then the only conscious memory
• 25:02
  Speaker 3: we have is this. But the absolutely bottom of it,
• 25:06
  Speaker 3: the foundation of what led everything to that moment is
• 25:10
  Speaker 3: the wounded in a boy or the unmet emotional needs.
• 25:13
  Speaker 3: No one escaped childhood without nights, no one.
• 25:17
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 25:17
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 25:17
  Speaker 2: So you work a lot with men, what would you
• 25:19
  Speaker 2: say is the main thing that they come to you for?
• 25:23
  Speaker 2: It might not be what they actually need help for,
• 25:24
  Speaker 2: but when they come to your book in a session,
• 25:26
  Speaker 2: what would you say is the main thing that men
• 25:28
  Speaker 2: in our society is struggling with?
• 25:30
  Speaker 3: Right now, my partner's going to leave me if I don't,
• 25:33
  Speaker 3: really I don't do this work.
• 25:35
  Speaker 1: Yeah yeah.
• 25:36
  Speaker 2: The men that come to you at their final stage
• 25:37
  Speaker 2: of like, I actually have no choice otherwise I'm going
• 25:40
  Speaker 2: to lose.
• 25:40
  Speaker 1: My wife or my partner. Yeah.
• 25:42
  Speaker 3: Interesting, Okay, until it's painful enough. Men typically that's when
• 25:46
  Speaker 3: they'll get off the nail. It's painful enough, get off
• 25:48
  Speaker 3: the nails.
• 25:49
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 25:50
  Speaker 3: So what I've experienced in the men's coaching space is
• 25:55
  Speaker 3: or in the men's personal development world, And if you
• 25:58
  Speaker 3: have been in it, if you're a men's coach or anything,
• 26:00
  Speaker 3: you know that it's hard to get men to events.
• 26:02
  Speaker 3: It's hard to get men into the work.
• 26:04
  Speaker 1: Not as easy as women. No, we're like freely like whowday. Yes.
• 26:08
  Speaker 3: Yeah. One thing with that with my work was I
• 26:11
  Speaker 3: realized I was like, no, men do do the work,
• 26:14
  Speaker 3: because I've been to events where there's two hundred men
• 26:16
  Speaker 3: sitting there eagerly learning, like it's possible. I know it.
• 26:20
  Speaker 3: What creates this shift, what creates the shift from a
• 26:23
  Speaker 3: man just opening his mind a little bit more to
• 26:25
  Speaker 3: the work. I look back on my journey and every
• 26:28
  Speaker 3: single time it's been a relationship breakup or breakdown that's
• 26:31
  Speaker 3: invited me into the work. So it's like, Okay, well
• 26:33
  Speaker 3: that's who I'm going to speak to ye. And as
• 26:35
  Speaker 3: soon as I started speaking to that, I had thousands
• 26:39
  Speaker 3: of men coming to me, thousands. What brings them to
• 26:42
  Speaker 3: doing this work or opening him is, like I said,
• 26:44
  Speaker 3: when it gets painful enough, doesn't have to get to that.
• 26:48
  Speaker 3: But yeah, it's typically how it initiates for them.
• 26:51
  Speaker 1: Yeah, definitely.
• 26:52
  Speaker 2: Even in our experience, which I've spoken about openly, the
• 26:55
  Speaker 2: hard times that we've had in our marriage and relationship,
• 26:58
  Speaker 2: that has created the biggest change as hard as like
• 27:01
  Speaker 2: being in conflict or disagreeing or just not feeling super
• 27:05
  Speaker 2: connected on the other side of a breakdown, as a breakthrough,
• 27:09
  Speaker 2: it's a really cool mindset to have. Yeah, Normally, through
• 27:12
  Speaker 2: the hardest, most painful moments, the biggest light comes through.
• 27:15
  Speaker 3: Yeah, the hardest moments that you've experienced is recognized. Like
• 27:19
  Speaker 3: a breakdown brings a breakthrough. Is when a man leads
• 27:24
  Speaker 3: the breakthrough, that's really where he gains this sense of
• 27:28
  Speaker 3: like leadership and power in the relationship.
• 27:30
  Speaker 1: Yeah, i'd be so empowering for a man.
• 27:32
  Speaker 3: Yes, the greatest sense of providing is being able to
• 27:35
  Speaker 3: provide emotionally for your partner. So when a man can
• 27:39
  Speaker 3: provide that emotional security and safety for a woman to
• 27:42
  Speaker 3: be at a heart being a feminine, it's the most
• 27:45
  Speaker 3: everything and everything. Yeah, Yeah, it's everything.
• 27:47
  Speaker 2: Especially in today's society. A lot of I can speak
• 27:51
  Speaker 2: on behalf of myself too, but a lot of my
• 27:53
  Speaker 2: friends as well. We actually, yes, we like to be
• 27:55
  Speaker 2: financially provided for, we actually don't need it anymore, Like
• 27:58
  Speaker 2: we are more than capable of earning our own money.
• 28:01
  Speaker 2: But the emotional safety, like we yearn for, like it
• 28:03
  Speaker 2: is everything. It is literally everything.
• 28:06
  Speaker 3: Yeah, it's wired yes, into us. Right, So if we
• 28:10
  Speaker 3: think of.
• 28:10
  Speaker 1: Take care of us to me passenger princess.
• 28:16
  Speaker 3: And like when you say that, I'm like, oh yeah,
• 28:18
  Speaker 3: like that fires me up and I feel out of
• 28:20
  Speaker 3: my gut because I'm like, I want to drive my
• 28:22
  Speaker 3: woman around. I want her to be the passenger queen.
• 28:24
  Speaker 2: I want her to, you know, not bring her wallet
• 28:27
  Speaker 2: because she knows that I've got it for her, yeah,
• 28:29
  Speaker 2: enough to make decisions because I've already booked it.
• 28:31
  Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah.
• 28:32
  Speaker 3: There are a lot of men out there that are
• 28:34
  Speaker 3: in their healthy masculine a lot of the time. Yeah,
• 28:37
  Speaker 3: that's going to be impossible for a woman to receive
• 28:41
  Speaker 3: if she has the lenses on of men are unsafe
• 28:45
  Speaker 3: based on her experiences.
• 28:46
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 28:48
  Speaker 3: So for me in my previous relationship, I did my
• 28:52
  Speaker 3: absolute best to lead, to provide, to serve, like to
• 28:56
  Speaker 3: the point where I lost myself in the relationship because
• 29:00
  Speaker 3: it was impossible for me to actually lead, provide and
• 29:04
  Speaker 3: for her feel safe. It was impossible because she had
• 29:07
  Speaker 3: the lenses on of men are unsafe. I can't trust men,
• 29:10
  Speaker 3: I can't relax or it's surrender to a man, right,
• 29:13
  Speaker 3: and therefore men equals unsafe.
• 29:16
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 29:16
  Speaker 3: Yeah, so it was impossible for me to provide and
• 29:19
  Speaker 3: give this woman what she needed. So I think that's
• 29:21
  Speaker 3: really important to speak into because I work with a
• 29:23
  Speaker 3: lot of men and sometimes I'm like, man, like, you're
• 29:26
  Speaker 3: actually doing everything. Yes, there's still things for you to
• 29:29
  Speaker 3: work on. There's a lot here, Like we still get
• 29:31
  Speaker 3: to help always integrate this little boy, and you really
• 29:34
  Speaker 3: step into this whole other level of leadership. But based
• 29:37
  Speaker 3: on what you share with me on your relationship, I
• 29:39
  Speaker 3: don't think she can actually receive your leadership because of
• 29:42
  Speaker 3: her wounds.
• 29:43
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 29:43
  Speaker 3: So with that, it's being really hard for her to
• 29:45
  Speaker 3: open and relax and trust and surrender to a man's leadership,
• 29:49
  Speaker 3: even if he is in his healthy masculine.
• 29:51
  Speaker 2: This work is not linear. It doesn't get to an
• 29:54
  Speaker 2: end date. I feel like as soon as I'm like
• 29:56
  Speaker 2: healing through something, universe is like there's something.
• 29:59
  Speaker 1: Else you're ready to level up. You asked for it.
• 30:01
  Speaker 2: But that's why there is incredible coaches out there, like,
• 30:03
  Speaker 2: I love the coach on working with now, she's so beautiful.
• 30:06
  Speaker 2: I've worked with multi different coaches for different reasons and
• 30:09
  Speaker 2: different seasons that I've been in, but that's really beautiful.
• 30:11
  Speaker 2: I've absolutely loved everything that you've shared. I feel like
• 30:13
  Speaker 2: you could probably continue to talk for another three hours
• 30:15
  Speaker 2: on it. But that's what you share on social media.
• 30:17
  Speaker 2: This is what you do for a coach. You have
• 30:19
  Speaker 2: courses as well, do you have online?
• 30:21
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I'm actually releasing my first self paced program for me.
• 30:25
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 30:25
  Speaker 3: It's called Heal the Boy, Awaken the Man, and.
• 30:28
  Speaker 2: That's really cool and it's just good different pwending on
• 30:30
  Speaker 2: people if they want to work face to face or
• 30:32
  Speaker 2: depending on our finances, You've got different options for different people.
• 30:35
  Speaker 1: For anyone listening, where did they find you?
• 30:37
  Speaker 3: Instagram and Facebook? It just Ryan Moresby White. Yeah, super
• 30:40
  Speaker 3: simple and I post a loon.
• 30:41
  Speaker 1: You do post a lot, so good love it every time. Popsuf.
• 30:44
  Speaker 2: I'm like, yes, like, thank you so much for sharing
• 30:46
  Speaker 2: all that wisdom. We have you back on Wednesday, which
• 30:49
  Speaker 2: is really cool. So today was all about the wounded
• 30:51
  Speaker 2: masculine energy, and on Wednesday we're talking about men's mental
• 30:54
  Speaker 2: health in general, which is a very important topic to
• 30:56
  Speaker 2: be talking about and I don't think it's spoken about enough.
• 31:00
  Speaker 1: So thanks to join of us. We'll see you on Wednesday,
• 31:02
  Speaker 1: Bi