Latest / Confident and Empowered Women / When Did Everything I Want Become Optional | EP 339

Transcript

When Did Everything I Want Become Optional | EP 339 · Confident and Empowered Women

• 0:05
  At some point, everything you want can become negotiable.
• 0:09
  But what's interesting is everybody else's needs, the bills, the responsibilities, the things you've committed to, None of that seems to be up for negotiation.
• 0:20
  And the things people expect from you, it's never up for contract review.
• 0:25
  All of that somehow stays firmly on the calendar, but the massage is a, "Well, we'll see."
• 0:32
  That brunch, maybe hold off until next month.
• 0:35
  The thing you've been wanting, you just keep saying, oh, you don't really need it.
• 0:39
  The hour you wanted to yourself, well, there goes that because now somebody needs something.
• 0:46
  And after you've negotiated yourself out of enough things, you can get so used to it that you don't even notice you're doing it anymore until one day you look around and think, "Now wait a minute, when did everything
• 0:59
  I want become optional?"
• 1:01
  And maybe the answer isn't that you stopped caring about yourself.
• 1:05
  Maybe you just stopped being intentional about including yourself because friend, loss of intention is how you become optional.
• 1:15
  So let's get into it And if you like a little laughter with your life-changing conversations, please make sure that you are subscribed to the show because around here we're having the conversations that make you wanna pull the car
• 1:29
  over and go, "Now why is she all up in my business?"
• 1:34
  Because today, yes, we are all in your business.
• 1:38
  Actually, we're in your calendar, your weekend plans, probably even four out of the five open carts you have right now.
• 1:45
  And maybe even that little dream that you've been calling someday for the last six years because I have a question.
• 1:52
  When did everything you want become optional?
• 1:56
  And I'm not talking about frivolous, irresponsible, or even unreasonable, just optional Hey, hey, hey, friend.
• 2:06
  I'm calling all of my negotiators up front, okay?
• 2:10
  Yes, go on ahead, put the church finger up, and make your way up to the front.
• 2:16
  Some of us have gotten very good at negotiating, and I'm not talking contracts, I'm explicitly talking about ourselves Because you can talk yourself out of something you want in under three minutes flat.
• 2:31
  You want a massage?
• 2:33
  Oh, that's $150 that I could put towards something else.
• 2:37
  Okay.
• 2:38
  You wanna go to brunch.
• 2:39
  Next thing you know, you telling us you got food at home.
• 2:44
  Technically, yes, And with the price of eggs in this economy?
• 2:52
  Yes, friend.
• 2:53
  Even that dress that you want, you will hit me with the, "Where am I even gonna wear it to?"
• 2:58
  You want a weekend to yourself, and then you're like, "But this is the only weekend everybody else is free You wanna finally do the thing you've been thinking about for years, but you're still saying, "Maybe I should wait
• 3:12
  until..."
• 3:14
  Oh, yes, and then here comes the TED Talk because You've got charts, supporting evidence, witnesses, exhibit A through F, and by the time you're finished, wanting anything sounds downright irresponsible.
• 3:30
  And here's what makes this even more tricky because you ain't lying.
• 3:35
  Putting 20 on a 10, possibly, but you ain't lying.
• 3:41
  There probably is something productive you could do with that time or somebody else to even consider.
• 3:47
  That's adulthood.
• 3:48
  But I want you to notice something.
• 3:50
  How often does somebody else's importance automatically outrank yours?
• 3:56
  Because you will be quick to hit me with the, "Oh, because that's different."
• 4:03
  And listen, most of us do not consciously decide, "From this point forward, I will no longer matter to myself," okay?
• 4:11
  No, that is not how this happens at all.
• 4:16
  At first it can seem a little less obvious because sometimes you're waiting on somebody else to consider you without even realizing you never even considered yourself.
• 4:30
  And then life can get loud.
• 4:33
  You become a mom, a wife, or hold a title that has a lot of meaning to you, and you get so focused on being the best to ever do it that you lose sight of the one who's actually
• 4:46
  doing it all, and that's you, the one underneath the titles Maybe a parent or loved one becomes ill and you become a caretaker.
• 4:56
  Your own health needs may even take over.
• 4:59
  Perhaps you're the oldest child in the family and so much was born on your shoulders that you never even took inventory to see what belongs and what you ran out of.
• 5:10
  Finances changed.
• 5:12
  Something in life shifted unexpectedly, and you found yourself in a role that you never even chose for yourself.
• 5:20
  Maybe you set some goals, and you've just had your head down for so long making every wish come true that you took your eyes off of the one whose life you're still living.
• 5:31
  Listen, life can get loud and busy.
• 5:35
  You can also get lost in translation.
• 5:38
  It starts with, "I need to be responsible," and somehow it translates into, "Anything I want needs to be justified."
• 5:47
  You start with, "My family matters to me," and somehow it becomes, "Their wants should come before mine."
• 5:54
  You start with, "Money is tight right now," and eventually, "Spending money on myself makes me feel guilty."
• 6:03
  You start with, "This is a busy season," and three years later, you're still waiting for your season to begin.
• 6:11
  You start with, "I can be flexible," and somehow you're the only person who is always expected to bend.
• 6:19
  That is the translation I want you to catch.
• 6:23
  Because there's nothing wrong with being responsible, flexible, making sacrifices, or even considering the people you love.
• 6:31
  But somewhere between loving everybody and handling everything, you can accidentally translate being a good woman into a woman who needs very little, and then pride yourself on surviving off a thimble.
• 6:49
  And then next thing you know, you get good at needing very little.
• 6:55
  So let's stay here for a second because sometimes this becomes part of your identity.
• 7:02
  "I'm easy to get along with.
• 7:04
  I don't need much.
• 7:05
  Don't worry about me.
• 7:06
  I'm good."
• 7:08
  And the whole I can figure it out, listen friend That one was about to be a tattoo.
• 7:13
  And what everybody else wants is fine, and some of that may genuinely be your personality, but sometimes That's adaptation.
• 7:23
  Maybe you stopped asking because asking and not receiving hurt you real bad.
• 7:30
  You noticed wanting things created conflict or having preferences somehow made you difficult.
• 7:36
  You remember the times when there genuinely wasn't enough, and when everybody depended on you, having needs of your own felt inconvenient.
• 7:46
  Sometimes you learned that the easiest way to keep everything moving was to remove yourself as a variable.
• 7:54
  And after enough time, you don't even have to be told anymore.
• 7:59
  You tell yourself no first.
• 8:01
  Ooh-wee, heavy on that part.
• 8:04
  Now nobody even has to deny you.
• 8:07
  you done handled that before anybody gets the opportunity.
• 8:11
  You can anticipate everybody's needs, objections, schedules, feelings, finances, and opinions, and negotiate accordingly.
• 8:20
  By the time you ask yourself what you want, the proposal has already been denied.
• 8:26
  And friend, We need new management.
• 8:31
  Listen, I know this all too well because when I was a single mom, I was very intentional about maintaining my sense of self, and I mean intentional because I had babies, responsibilities, work, and all them bills.
• 8:49
  I had all the things that come with being the one who has to make sure life still keeps running smoothly, and it would've been incredibly easy for motherhood to consume every available inch of me because it just naturally
• 9:05
  can do that all on its own.
• 9:07
  So I fought for the little pieces of myself.
• 9:11
  My monthly massage, intentional.
• 9:14
  Brunch with the girls, intentional.
• 9:17
  Doing something special for myself, intentional.
• 9:22
  Finding little things that reminded me that I was still me, a person, a woman, not just a mom, intentional.
• 9:33
  And I wanna be clear because I wasn't living some luxurious single mom life where the children were being raised by fairies in some enchanted forest while I was at the spa.
• 9:44
  No, no, no, no, no.
• 9:45
  Them responsibilities was real, okay?
• 9:48
  Very real.
• 9:51
  Yes, there were limitations.
• 9:54
  Some things I couldn't do, and if balling on a budget was a person, honey, I was the queen.
• 10:04
  There was also seasons when the genuine answer was, "Not right now."
• 10:10
  Now, I wasn't the one who would let scarcity words like can't afford it escape my lips.
• 10:15
  Oh, no, no, no, not your girl.
• 10:17
  But I knew one thing.
• 10:21
  Even if I didn't have language for it back then, I knew I could not afford to disappear.
• 10:29
  I loved being a mother, still do.
• 10:33
  My daughter even recently asked me if I could go back to the time before I had kids, would I?
• 10:40
  And honestly, no.
• 10:42
  My kids made me a better person, a better human, a better mom.
• 10:47
  This version of me wouldn't exist today without their influence.
• 10:52
  I don't wanna go back to anything, actually.
• 10:55
  I like where I am now and where I'm going.
• 10:58
  I appreciate all the seasons of my life.
• 11:02
  And even with all of that said, motherhood wasn't the entirety of who I was, and I didn't wanna wake up one day and realize I had become excellent at taking care of everybody else except the woman doing all
• 11:18
  of the taking care of So those massages weren't just massages.
• 11:24
  Brunch wasn't just brunch.
• 11:25
  Those little things weren't frivolous.
• 11:28
  They were little receipts that I'm still here.
• 11:33
  I still have preferences, things I like.
• 11:36
  I still get to experience pleasure.
• 11:39
  I still deserve care.
• 11:40
  I still have a life inside of this life that I'm responsible for maintaining.
• 11:47
  That's why I say loss of intention is how you become optional because if you don't intentionally make room for yourself, life will happily spend that room somewhere else, okay?
• 12:00
  You already know.
• 12:02
  That free Saturday, gone.
• 12:04
  That extra $50, gone.
• 12:06
  That hour, absolutely gone.
• 12:09
  That energy, let me tell you, somebody has plans for it.
• 12:16
  Life doesn't usually knock politely and say, "Excuse me, was this hour reserved for your sense of self?"
• 12:24
  Absolutely not.
• 12:26
  You have to know it's reserved and hold the reservation And this is where we can get caught up.
• 12:34
  Okay, somebody queue Usher.
• 12:39
  things like this slide way too easy off our lips.
• 12:42
  "I'll find some time for myself."
• 12:45
  Find it?
• 12:45
  Where, friend?
• 12:50
  All I can hear is Kanye.
• 12:51
  How Sway?
• 12:55
  Is it behind the couch?
• 12:57
  Did somebody put it in the junk drawer next to the batteries?
• 13:00
  because I have never had Thursday afternoon come knocking on my door like, "Hey girl, nobody needs anything, okay?
• 13:07
  Work canceled itself, the laundry folded itself, and here's three uninterrupted hours.
• 13:12
  Thought you might enjoy them.
• 13:14
  Love you.
• 13:14
  See ya."
• 13:15
  No, no, no, no.
• 13:16
  Ain't, that ain't never happened.
• 13:20
  Time for yourself isn't found, it's decided.
• 13:24
  So is money, energy, the boundaries, and attention.
• 13:29
  And no, you can't always decide that you get the biggest piece.
• 13:33
  That's not real life.
• 13:34
  But you can decide that you remain part of the calculation.
• 13:40
  That's the shift that we're making because we've been talking about this a lot lately.
• 13:45
  We gotta highlight this in a major way.
• 13:48
  I'm not asking you to become selfish, self-centered, or somebody who don't care about nobody else.
• 13:55
  The invitation I'm extending is to consider yourself as a high priority and not some post-afterthought that barely ever sees the light of day.
• 14:06
  This isn't about being self-centered.
• 14:09
  It's about centering yourself in your own life.
• 14:13
  notice how you respond to your own desires, and not just the big ones, the little ones too.
• 14:20
  Because when you start to think, "I'd really like," what happens next?
• 14:25
  Do you get curious or do you immediately cross-examine yourself?
• 14:30
  Do you start asking why?
• 14:31
  How much?
• 14:32
  Do you need it?
• 14:33
  Is it practical?
• 14:34
  What will everybody else think?
• 14:36
  What's going on with everybody else?
• 14:38
  Can it wait?
• 14:38
  Should I save it?
• 14:39
  don't you already have something similar?
• 14:43
  Listen, Your wants have ended up in Miss Pat's court, and you are the prosecutor.
• 14:52
  Meanwhile, somebody you love mentions they want something, and you're like, "Oh, let's figure it out."
• 14:57
  Hmm, interesting.
• 14:59
  Very interesting.
• 15:02
  Because this isn't about getting everything you want.
• 15:05
  Instead, notice the posture you have towards yourself when you want something.
• 15:11
  Do your wants receive consideration, or is it just immediate dismissal?
• 15:17
  That's the relationship with yourself that's in question Somehow want has become such a dirty word.
• 15:26
  Need sounds responsible where want sounds extra.
• 15:30
  Needs gets instant approval, whereas wants get reviewed by the board.
• 15:36
  But your wants, they tell you things.
• 15:39
  They tell you what brings you alive, what interests you, what feels beautiful, what you've gotten curious about, even what you've outgrown, what you may miss, what you may want more of or even less of.
• 15:53
  Sometimes what looks like, "I really wanna take a pottery class," is also I miss creating things because I enjoy them.
• 16:02
  Sometimes I want a weekend alone is code for, I haven't heard myself think in at least six months.
• 16:10
  Sometimes I wanna change careers is I don't wanna spend another decade feeling like this.
• 16:18
  Sometimes I wanna go somewhere is really telling you I need to remember the world is bigger than my routine.
• 16:26
  Your wants aren't always instructions, and you don't even have to act on every single one.
• 16:32
  They are information, and if you automatically negotiate yourself out of everything you want, eventually you lose access to that information.
• 16:43
  And then when somebody asks you, "Well, what do you want?"
• 16:47
  And you genuinely don't know, all because you've gotten so good at overriding the signal that you can barely hear it anymore.
• 16:56
  That is how you get lost in translation And before somebody gets nervous, listen, the solution is not everybody fend for themselves because mama is moving to Bali.
• 17:10
  Uh-uh.
• 17:11
  We are not swinging from one extreme to another.
• 17:15
  The goal is not to make everybody else optional so that you can finally be mandatory.
• 17:21
  It's to stop building a life where you are the only optional person in it.
• 17:29
  There will be sacrifices, seasons for this and not for that.
• 17:33
  There will be compromise and things that matter more in particular moments.
• 17:38
  But sacrifice is very different when it's something you choose rather than your permanent position.
• 17:46
  You don't have to win every negotiation.
• 17:49
  I just want you at the table because representation matters And maybe that's where we start.
• 17:56
  Questions like, how do I get everything I want?
• 18:00
  That can still leave you at a blank.
• 18:02
  So let's start with, how do I stop automatically excluding myself, put myself back in the conversation?
• 18:11
  When you're planning the weekend Is it something that you would actually enjoy?
• 18:15
  When you're looking at the budget, is there something in it for you?
• 18:19
  When everybody's calendar comes out, where are you?
• 18:23
  When you're making the decision, what is it that you actually prefer?
• 18:28
  And when somebody asks you, "What do you wanna eat?"
• 18:31
  Try not saying, "I don't care."
• 18:36
  And listen, I'm talking to me too right here because sometimes picking a meal is my arch nemesis.
• 18:45
  You mean to tell me for the rest of my life I have to figure out three square meals a day?
• 18:50
  now this right here may or may not be PTSD from when my kids ask me that dreaded question at least 1,000 times a day, "What's for dinner?"
• 19:02
  Friend, pick the restaurant.
• 19:05
  We're building muscle here because every time you consider yourself, you're reinforcing something special.
• 19:12
  I am someone worth considering Okay, quick pause for the cause because if you're listening to this thinking, "Okay, but what do I want?"
• 19:25
  don't rush past that.
• 19:26
  The Main Character Energy Journal Prompts gives you questions that get you out of the roles that you play for everybody else and into an honest conversation with yourself.
• 19:37
  Not what makes sense or what everybody else needs, but really getting underneath the hood of what do you think?
• 19:44
  What do you want?
• 19:45
  What's true for you?
• 19:47
  It's linked for you below, and I have a feeling you already know exactly which area of your life needs this the most Okay, friend, you already know what time it is.
• 20:00
  It's time for our self-love two-step remix.
• 20:04
  Step one, consider yourself.
• 20:07
  Ask yourself, where have I become optional in my own life?
• 20:12
  And really look at your time, money, energy.
• 20:16
  Look at your calendar because it definitely tells on you, friend Your relationships, your dreams, your fun.
• 20:27
  Where it at, though?
• 20:31
  Your rest, your body, your preferences.
• 20:35
  This is not to beat yourself up, okay?
• 20:38
  No shame, no shade, and no judgment.
• 20:41
  Just notice.
• 20:43
  Where is everybody else written in permanent marker while you're still penciled in the margin And quick to erase, okay?
• 20:52
  And then go one layer deeper.
• 20:52
  What have I been telling myself about wanting?
• 20:52
  That it's selfish, irresponsible, unnecessary, too much, too expensive.
• 20:52
  That you should just be grateful for what you have.
• 20:52
  That somebody else needs something more.
• 20:52
  Find the translation.
• 20:52
  Do not skip this part, friend.
• 21:15
  It matters so much.
• 21:17
  And step two, be intentional.
• 21:21
  Choose one place to become intentional again.
• 21:25
  And listen, hear me clearly, 'cause I'm not saying overhaul your whole life with intention, okay?
• 21:32
  We don't need another 47-tab spreadsheet, okay?
• 21:35
  Just one thing.
• 21:39
  Maybe you put that monthly massage back on the calendar.
• 21:42
  Maybe you protect one morning or finally make the reservation.
• 21:46
  Maybe you restart something you used to love or put 20 into a little fund for something that's just for you.
• 21:53
  Maybe you tell your family, "Nope, I already have plans," and those plans are you, your couch, and nobody asking you where anything is.
• 22:04
  Whatever it is, make one decision that says, "I'm not waiting to see if there's anything left for me.
• 22:12
  I'm including myself from the beginning."
• 22:15
  And then the you step, you get still, you get quiet, and you ask yourself, "What's the next best step for me?"
• 22:24
  Trust yourself, friend.
• 22:26
  You really do know what's best for you Now let me pour into you real quick.
• 22:32
  Friend, I don't need you to become a woman who gets everything she wants.
• 22:39
  I encourage you to remember the woman who knows that what she wants matters.
• 22:46
  That's the difference.
• 22:47
  You won't always choose it.
• 22:49
  You won't even always be able to make it right then and there.
• 22:53
  Sometimes love is gonna ask you to compromise.
• 22:57
  Life will require sacrifice.
• 23:00
  At times, the answer genuinely may be later.
• 23:05
  Hear me with your whole heart when I say this to you.
• 23:09
  Later should be a decision, not your identity.
• 23:13
  You are not the movable piece in every plan.
• 23:17
  You're not the automatic sacrifice, and you're not the person everybody gets to factor in last, and that includes from you too, mkay?
• 23:28
  And maybe nobody intentionally made you optional.
• 23:32
  Maybe life just got full and you got busy.
• 23:35
  Perhaps survival required some things from you.
• 23:38
  Responsibility took over.
• 23:40
  You became so capable that you stopped noticing just how much of yourself you were negotiating away.
• 23:48
  But here's the beautiful part.
• 23:50
  Intention is how you come back.
• 23:53
  One massage, one brunch, one preference, one protected hour, one decision where you leave yourself in the equation, because those seemingly little choices are all saying something much, much bigger, "I'm still here, and I am worth considering."
• 24:16
  Friend, you can want what you want for no reason at all.
• 24:21
  Simply wanting is reason enough.
• 24:24
  You are not an option in your own life, And you are not something to be negotiated, bargained, rationed, or easily discarded.
• 24:34
  You are still here and worthy of consideration, especially your own.
• 24:41
  So be intentional with my friend, okay?
• 24:44
  Heaven knows you deserve it, and it's time you got into agreement For real.
• 24:55
  Look at you doing your work and everything.
• 24:59
  Go ahead, tilt that crown, shoulders back, beautiful posture, nice and tall.
• 25:05
  Take a deep breath in and let it out.
• 25:09
  Really go long on that exhale.
• 25:12
  Now take the next step knowing you've got you, and I'll meet you right back here in the next episode.
• 25:20
  Until next time, friend, keep coming back to you