Latest / Confident and Empowered Women / Being Capable Doesn’t Mean It’s Yours To Carry | EP 329

Transcript

Being Capable Doesn’t Mean It’s Yours To Carry | EP 329 · Confident and Empowered Women

• 0:05
  Friend, I know you can handle it.
• 0:07
  That's not the question.
• 0:09
  The question is, why are you?
• 0:12
  Because somewhere between being the dependable, responsible one, the strong one, the one who knows how to figure it out, and the one everybody calls when the funk hits the fan, we started confusing I can handle this With this
• 0:28
  belongs to me.
• 0:29
  And those are two completely different things.
• 0:33
  Capability tells you what you can carry.
• 0:36
  Self-leadership helps you decide what you will carry.
• 0:40
  And today, I want us to look at everything we've thrown over our shoulders simply because we had enough room to hold it.
• 0:49
  Because friend, just because there's room on your shoulders, doesn't mean you should carry it Welcome to the podcast.
• 0:58
  If you're new here, I'm Letitia, and around here we have the honest conversations about coming back to yourself, trusting yourself, loving yourself, and actually leading the life that's yours.
• 1:12
  These are the conversations you may not be having anywhere else, or the ones that make you sit back and think, "Woo, I needed that."
• 1:21
  Every single week we're building your confidence, your self-love, and the life you love one brick at a time.
• 1:29
  So if that sounds like your kinda place, then friend, hit subscribe.
• 1:33
  What are we doing?
• 1:35
  This is the get-together you actually look forward to, so let's get into it Hey, hey, hey friend.
• 1:45
  Welcome back.
• 1:46
  Today, I'm talking specifically to my capable girly, my don't worry, I'll figure it out girly, my everybody assumes I've got it because, I mean, historically speaking, I usually do got it girly.
• 2:03
  Friend, come sit down, preferably after putting down the 37 things you're currently carrying that don't belong to you, because we need to talk.
• 2:16
  One of the interesting things that happens when you've been the strong one for a long time is people start to assume you have capacity because you usually make it look like you do.
• 2:29
  You handle things, you keep going, you figure it out, and you make it all look easy.
• 2:36
  You showing up on repeat while looking fabulous in the process, I might add.
• 2:43
  And because you've carried heavy things before, people just assume, "Oh yeah, she's got it."
• 2:49
  But being capable of carrying something doesn't mean carrying it comes without a cost, and being strong doesn't mean your capacity is unlimited.
• 3:01
  Sometimes the strong person needs support too Sometimes she don't need another thing placed in her hands because everybody assumes she'll just figure out where to put it.
• 3:13
  And sometimes she has to stop volunteering her hands.
• 3:18
  And, uh, oop, now friend, I'm not gonna name no names, okay?
• 3:25
  But I'm just saying, everybody else isn't always the problem, okay?
• 3:30
  Are you picking up what I'm putting down?
• 3:35
  So let's talk about us, shall we?
• 3:39
  Now friend, this is the part where I need you to imagine me holding your shoulders while I say this to you because you know I love you so much.
• 3:48
  And at the same time, friend, nobody asked you to be Olivia Pope, okay?
• 3:57
  Some of us around here have become so good at fixing things that we don't even wait to be asked anymore.
• 4:05
  We see a problem and start acting like Day Day from Friday.
• 4:09
  Boom, I got action.
• 4:14
  Because truth be told, friend You see what needs to happen.
• 4:17
  You know who to call.
• 4:19
  You know what they would say.
• 4:21
  You've already thought three steps ahead, and before anybody even has figured out that there's a problem, you've already handled it.
• 4:30
  Then six months later, you're somewhere talking about, "Why can't these people do anything for themselves?"
• 4:41
  So friend, I say again, come here real quick.
• 4:44
  Lean on in.
• 4:45
  Nobody asked you to be Olivia Pope.
• 4:49
  Whole time you've been running around handling scandals that were never even assigned to you.
• 4:58
  And listen, I understand because sometimes it's easier to just do it yourself, even if you are complaining and mumbling underneath your breath while you do it.
• 5:11
  You know you can get it done.
• 5:12
  And because you have such a big, beautiful heart, you don't wanna watch somebody struggle.
• 5:20
  You don't want things to fall apart.
• 5:23
  You don't wanna deal with what might happen if they make the wrong decision.
• 5:28
  And if we're really being honest, Sometimes fixing everybody else's problems gives you something else to focus on besides your own And listen, this might sting a little bit But sometimes fixing is a distraction.
• 5:46
  Staying busy with everybody else's stuff means you don't have to sit still long enough to deal with yours.
• 5:54
  Because if you're fixing their problems, you don't have to think about yours.
• 5:59
  If you're worried about how they're feeling, you don't have to feel what you have been feeling.
• 6:06
  If you're putting out their fires, you don't have to sit with what's burning within or around you.
• 6:13
  And distraction can work beautifully for a while, but ignoring your feelings doesn't make them disappear.
• 6:22
  Staying busy doesn't heal them, and pushing them down doesn't resolve them.
• 6:27
  Eventually, whatever you've been avoiding is still gonna need your attention, and that's another part of self-leadership, knowing when the person who needs your attention is you.
• 6:40
  Maybe everybody else's emergency doesn't really need you right now.
• 6:45
  Maybe you do And then there's this other side to constantly fixing things for people that often gets missed.
• 6:54
  When you are always solving it for them, they never get to learn how to solve it for themselves.
• 7:01
  Think about your own life for a moment.
• 7:02
  Some of the confidence you have today didn't come from somebody swooping in and making everything easy for you.
• 7:10
  It came from the moment you thought, I don't know how I'm gonna do this."
• 7:14
  And then you figured something out.
• 7:17
  Maybe it wasn't pretty.
• 7:18
  You might have even gotten it wrong at first, and a few more times after that.
• 7:24
  Maybe you needed help.
• 7:25
  Maybe you cried while doing it, but you learned, "I'm resourceful.
• 7:30
  I can figure things out.
• 7:31
  I can recover.
• 7:33
  I can make decisions, and I can depend on myself."
• 7:37
  And when we constantly step in and prevent somebody else from ever having those experiences, we may unintentionally rob them of the lessons they'll need later.
• 7:50
  The struggle you've been trying to save them from today may contain the skills they'll need five years from now.
• 7:58
  The problem you're solving for them might have been the exact thing that taught them, "I can handle hard things."
• 8:07
  Now please, don't at me talking about I'm telling you never to help anybody.
• 8:14
  Please don't leave here talking about Letitia said you on your own.
• 8:21
  Just for clarification, that's not what I'm saying.
• 8:25
  Support is beautiful.
• 8:27
  Helping is beautiful.
• 8:28
  Community is beautiful.
• 8:31
  And there is a difference between supporting someone while they figure it out and taking over so they never have to.
• 8:39
  Sometimes love is saying, "I'm right here, and I believe you can handle this So what actually is yours to carry?
• 8:50
  This is where I want us to slow down because not everything that lands in front of you belongs on your shoulders.
• 8:58
  Someone else's disappointment or consequences, not automatically yours.
• 9:04
  Someone's emotional reaction to your boundary, someone else's responsibilities, not automatically yours.
• 9:11
  Someone else's relationship that they want to repair, not automatically yours.
• 9:18
  And I've had to learn this in my own life.
• 9:22
  There was a situation where I had done the work to forgive someone.
• 9:26
  For me, forgiveness meant I was releasing what I had been carrying.
• 9:31
  I wasn't gonna keep holding on to what happened, and I wasn't gonna keep carrying all of the weight of it.
• 9:38
  So I released them, and I released myself.
• 9:42
  At one point, someone wanted me to let that person know that I had forgiven them so that we could essentially be on good terms again And I said, "That's not my responsibility."
• 9:56
  Listen, 'cause here's what I know.
• 9:59
  Somebody does not get to do me wrong, never apologize, never take accountability, or take any steps to right their wrongs or repair, and I find them, hunt them down and tell them, "You're forgiven."
• 10:14
  That don't even make no kinda sense.
• 10:20
  My work was forgiveness.
• 10:23
  I had done my work, but forgiveness does not suddenly create an obligation for me to reestablish access and connection.
• 10:32
  Forgiveness doesn't mean I forgot what happened, okay?
• 10:36
  And it didn't mean that that person automatically deserved access to me again.
• 10:41
  Those are all separate decisions, and that is what I mean when I say you've got to know what's yours to carry Because people love to project and defer their responsibility to somebody else.
• 10:55
  Somebody may want a particular outcome.
• 10:58
  They may want everybody to be okay again.
• 11:01
  They want reconciliation.
• 11:03
  They want you to have a conversation Because it would make things more comfortable.
• 11:08
  The question to ask here is, comfortable for who?
• 11:13
  Someone's desire for an outcome does not automatically make creating that outcome your assignment.
• 11:21
  Okay?
• 11:22
  Sometimes self-leadership sounds like, "I've done the part that belongs to me."
• 11:28
  And then you know what you do next?
• 11:30
  You stop Because your work is done here And this next part is especially important for the capable woman because we tend to evaluate capacity by asking, "Can I fit that in?
• 11:45
  Can I squeeze in another meeting?
• 11:47
  Can I help with this?
• 11:48
  Can I take care of that?
• 11:50
  Can I solve this problem?
• 11:51
  Can I make one more phone call?"
• 11:53
  Technically, maybe, but your capacity isn't empty space waiting to be filled.
• 12:01
  Just because you have room on your shoulders doesn't mean you should carry it Maybe that space is supposed to remain space.
• 12:11
  Maybe it's for rest, your marriage, your children, your health.
• 12:17
  Maybe it's for your dreams Maybe it's just for sitting on your couch binging something ridiculous and not being useful to anybody for two hours.
• 12:29
  Maybe it's simply margin.
• 12:31
  You don't have to justify the space you choose to keep And yes, my very capable friend, I really want you to hear that.
• 12:41
  Your ability to carry more is not an invitation for everybody, including you, to keep adding weight.
• 12:52
  Erykah Badu told us, she said, "You gonna miss your bus.
• 12:57
  You can't hurry up because you got too much stuff."
• 13:05
  Well, we are changing that right now.
• 13:09
  It's time for new, better questions.
• 13:12
  Instead of immediately asking, "Can I handle this?"
• 13:16
  Ask, "Is this mine to handle?
• 13:20
  Is this my responsibility?
• 13:23
  Did I make a commitment here?
• 13:25
  Am I genuinely the person who needs to step in?
• 13:29
  Am I helping or am I holding them back from their opportunity to learn and grow just so I can take over?
• 13:38
  Am I supporting them or am I preventing them from developing their own strength?
• 13:45
  Am I doing this because I want to or because I've built an identity around the one who always comes through?"
• 13:55
  And friend, prepare yourself for the big one, okay?
• 13:58
  What am I not tending to in my own life because I'm so busy tending to everybody else's?
• 14:08
  Oof Because you only have but so much capacity, And every yes is using some of it If today's conversation has you realizing, okay, maybe I need to spend a little less time taking on everybody else's stuff and a
• 14:27
  little bit more time hearing me, then friend, The main character energy journal prompts were created to help you get back into conversation with yourself.
• 14:39
  These prompts help you explore what you want, what you believe, and what you are ready to leave behind, and who you wanna be in your own life.
• 14:48
  Because sometimes you don't need another person giving you the answer.
• 14:53
  You just need a quiet minute, a blank page, and an honest conversation with yourself.
• 15:00
  These are perfect for you if you want to have those deeper conversations with yourself, but you don't know where to begin or even what questions to ask.
• 15:10
  No worries, girl.
• 15:11
  I got you.
• 15:12
  I'll put the link in the show notes So you can grab yours And now it's time for our favorite, the self-love two-step with the remix.
• 15:24
  We are going to look at what you're carrying.
• 15:27
  Step one, name it.
• 15:30
  What are you currently carrying emotionally, mentally, physically, or even practically?
• 15:36
  Don't judge it.
• 15:38
  Just put it on paper.
• 15:40
  Step two, go through that list and ask What on this list actually belongs to me?
• 15:49
  Not can I handle it, not would it be easier if I just did it.
• 15:54
  But what is actually yours?
• 15:58
  And then the you step, and this one we're gonna get really specific.
• 16:03
  You get still, you get quiet, and you ask yourself, "What would I have capacity for in my own life if I put down what isn't mine?"
• 16:16
  Mm.
• 16:17
  Sit with that one, friend, Because there may be something you've been saying you don't have the time, energy, or capacity for while carrying 15 things that were never yours to begin with.
• 16:30
  This is a great habit to get into, not just to assess what's currently on your plate, but also to review before putting anything else additional on your plate.
• 16:44
  You already have commitments you've made, responsibilities to tend to, a family to take care of.
• 16:50
  With your current priorities, do you really have capacity to take this on?
• 16:55
  And I really want you to think beyond just the impact of your own special brew of tea, your time, your effort, your energy Think about the mental, emotional, physical, or financial impact this may have on you.
• 17:13
  Do you have capacity to show up as your best for this new thing that you've been taking on while continuing to give your best to everything you already have to do?
• 17:26
  This is where you make sure you stay in your life instead of disappearing from it, all in the name of being there for everyone else.
• 17:37
  This is how you no longer abandon yourself and end up proud of the way that you show up for you, those you love and care for, and everything that's important to you This is how you love yourself the
• 17:53
  way that you love others Now let me pour into you real quick Friend, being the strong one doesn't mean you have to carry everything.
• 18:04
  Being dependable doesn't mean you have to be available for every problem Being resourceful doesn't mean you have to be everybody else's resource, and loving people doesn't require you to rescue them from every hard thing.
• 18:23
  Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is believe that the people you love are capable and resourceful too.
• 18:32
  Let them learn.
• 18:33
  Let them make decisions.
• 18:35
  Let them experience consequences.
• 18:37
  Let them discover their own strength.
• 18:41
  Let them build the evidence that says, "I can depend on myself."
• 18:45
  And while they're doing that, come back home to you.
• 18:50
  Feel what you've been avoiding.
• 18:52
  Deal with what needs your attention.
• 18:55
  Protect some of your own capacity simply because it's yours.
• 19:00
  And before you pick up another thing, ask, "Is this mine?"
• 19:06
  Because capability tells you what you can carry, but self-leadership helps you decide what you will carry Ooh, that was worthy of being repeated, friend.
• 19:18
  And there is power in being able to look at something you absolutely could handle and say, "Yes, I could carry that, but it doesn't belong to me."
• 19:31
  You don't have to prove your strength by how much weight you can hold.
• 19:36
  Strength also looks like knowing what to put down.
• 19:41
  And friend, just because there's room on your shoulders doesn't mean you should carry it And this is you granting yourself permission to carry simply what's yours Mm.
• 19:56
  And friend, I'm so proud of you for taking the time today to check in on your capacity and take yourself into consideration.
• 20:06
  You deserve it Ooh, friend.
• 20:11
  And speaking of what you deserve, you deserve to fall in love with yourself, your days, and your life.
• 20:18
  Not someday, but right now.
• 20:21
  This conversation, this work that you showed up for, this is how it happens one layer at a time So keep becoming, keep remembering, and no matter what comes your way, together we can encourage over everything, and I'll see
• 20:40
  you soon