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Authenticity and Social Media · Gay Men Going Deeper

• 0:02
  Speaker A: Hello everyone. Welcome to Gay Men going deeper, a podcast by the gay men's Brotherhood where we talk about personal development, mental health and sexuality. We are your hosts. We have Matt Lancital. He is a counselor and facilitator specializing in healing and empowerment. Reno Johnston is a spiritual life, love and business coach. And I am Michael Di Orio, a life and wellness coach specializing in sexuality, relationships and self confidence. We each have our own private practice and in this podcast we're sharing all of our best stuff. And today we're going to be talking about authenticity and social media. Some of the questions we'll be discussing today are, if authenticity is such a valued trait, why does insincerity thrive on social media? What's the difference between being fake and wanting to put your best self forward? And do you think it's truly possible to ascertain someone's authenticity on social media? Looking forward to getting into this discussion. Now. We'll be continuing this discussion on the last Thursday of the month in the gay men's Brotherhood Zoom hangout. This is where we give you guys a chance to share your own thoughts on the topics we discuss here. So join the private Gay Men's Brotherhood Facebook group and check out the events tab to RSVP. The link is in the show notes and if you're not on Facebook, that's okay. Just make sure you're on our email list and we will send you the Zoom link. We also have connection circles happening on the second Thursday of the month where we'll give you guys a chance to get into little groups just like this little breakout rooms of three where you can discuss this topic with other members of the community. Reminder that this podcast and YouTube channel are a listener and viewer supported. So if you enjoy what we're creating here, you can support us by making a donation to the show using the link in the show notes. You can also subscribe to get early access to episodes on Apple Podcasts. All of your support helps us to continue making content and supporting our community, so we thank you very much in advance. And finally, if you're looking to accelerate your personal development journey, please check out our coaching collection. It includes two courses, healing your shame and building better relationships, plus over 45 premium personal development coaching videos on topics around body positivity, relationships, self confidence and community. Head over to gay men going deeper.com for more information. All right, let's get into today's topic. Super jazzed. So I want to tell you guys how. I mean, Matt and Reno don't even know this, so this is new for everybody. I want to tell you guys how the idea for this episode came to me. For those of you watching this episode, you can see by my background, which is real, that I'm in Puerto Vallarta still at the time of recording. So this came to me last week. It was vacation week. I took some time off to spend time with my friends who were here. And I was at the beach. It was a beautiful sunny day, blue skies, ocean waves crashing the shore. And it was that peak golden hour time. You know, that time like kind of before the sunset where the sun is just hitting just right. It's very nice, soft lighting. Yeah. So I'm having a great time chilling at rootmost beach. Uh, the beach cares if, you know, you know, sipping on my margarita on the rocks, just observing and enjoying the ocean and the sunset. And right in front of me is a group of maybe ten guys trying to take a group photo. They say, okay, it's golden hour. Let's take our group photo. And I'm just sitting there watching and observing. They're cute guys. So I didn't mind, I didn't mind the view. And, you know, at first they start discussing, okay, what's the best angle to take the photo? Right. Uh, do we want the background to be the sunset? Do you want the background to be the beach? We want to make sure the light sitting is just right. So they're kind of just figuring out, okay, what's the best angle here? And lighting? And then they start figuring out, okay, well, who's going to go where? What are we going to do? Are we standing? Are we sitting? Are we going to do something? Like they're trying to get into position to make sure everything looks just right. And then their photographer starts taking the photos. And on the exact count of three, the photographer counts to three and starts taking photos. But on that exact count of three, at the exact same time, they all suck in their bellies and puff out their chests and smile. And for those 510 seconds that the photographer is taking all these photos from different angles, they are just frozen in time in this perfect, pristine position. And I start laughing because I think this is super cute, not laughing at them at all, because I'm like, this is hilarious. I do the same thing, but it's just funny to observe this if you're in the observer mode, it's like, we are really interesting how we do this. So then, of course, the photographer stops and everyone rushes to the camera to want to see the photo. What does it look like? How do I look is it good? Do we need to do it again? We're trying to judge and observe and critique the photo and give their approval if they like it. Everyone's saying, how do I look? How do I look? And then generally the group like the photo, so they start saying, okay, add me on insta, make sure you tag me. Do this, do that. Here's my handle. Or some people are like, oh, no, don't take me in that. Definitely do not take me. So it's either this, share this or don't share this, right? Use this filter. Don't use that filter, that kind of thing. And again, I'm just kind of giggling at this. Watch. So again, I want to reiterate, I'm not laughing at them personally. I thought they were super cute, and I just laugh at the funny ritual, if you want to call it that, of what we do when it's time for posing on a beach in Puerto Vallarta with a bunch of our gay friends in our swimsuits. So I gaze my eyes along the beach and I notice it's that golden hour, right? So everyone's doing the same thing. Not just gay guys, women, adults, children, everyone. Like, we're all just kind of posing, posing for the gram, wanting to curate this ideal image for social media, right? And it got me thinking. For the rest of the week, I kept noticing this. I just was very interested. You guys know me, I'm very curious. I like to have these kind of thoughts and conversations in my own mind. But for the rest of the week, I kept noticing this, not just with other people, but with myself as well, right? So when I was taking pictures with my friends, it was very much the same thing. What was going through my mind was my own desire to want to look good, my own desire to want to put my best self forward, my own desire to kind of want to suck in my belly and puff up my chest. Everything was very much the same. So I'm not saying that I'm any different than anyone here, but it just got me thinking, how do I want to be received and doing my own inner work around this, my own curiosity. So I have been in this state of thinking about this myself for the last week, doing some journaling on it. Some of the questions that I had for myself were, am I being inauthentic? And when I'm doing this, is this all performative? And if so, is that so bad? Isn't it natural to just want to look good? Isn't it natural to want to share my happy moments with people? On social media. Yet for some reason, when I see some people do it, I judge that as being fake and insincere. But when other people do it, I don't. So I was wondering and asking myself, why is that? What's behind that? What's behind that distinction for me? Why is it fake when some people do it, but not one others? Right? And it got me questioning, what's the difference then between being authentic self expression and then performative behavior? So that's where my head has been at on this topic over the last week, and therefore, I wanted to bring it here with you guys, with Matt and with Reno, and also with our wonderful, amazing audience. So I came to some of my own conclusions on these questions, which we'll get through throughout the course of this podcast. But I'm still very much open to hearing other people's opinions and ideas on this because I'm not set in stone on this. I think it's a very interesting topic. It's very complex and nuanced. At least for me it is anyway. So for those of you who are listening or watching, please do share with us. Go in the comments and let me know what you think. Because like I said, I'm not fully set on stone on this. So let's get into it. I'm dying to hear from you guys on this. So the first question is, if authenticity is such a valued trait, why does insincerity thrive on social media? And let's start with Reno, with me.
• 7:29
  Speaker B: Okay, so funny. This morning, my, well, it was actually yesterday my gymshark haul came in. So, like, I ordered a bunch of stuff from gymshark, like these fits for the gym. And I did like an unboxing and I was recording it because I wanted to share. And I was in my. I have these, like, I was in my underwear, basically my boxer briefs. And I was like, trying different things on. And I remember at one point in the, in the, like, during the recording, I was like, and I'm a bit bloated today. Let's normalize being bloated on camera, right? And I just like, owned it. I was like, fuck it. This is like, this is my body. This is what I look like today. I'm bloated because last night I snacked and like, I'm cool with that. So I was just thinking of that when you were sharing because I really do feel like I try my best to keep it 100 with the people on social media, and I don't always get that right. And to the question, I think what I came up with is there are a few factors. There's the public factor, the curation factor, and the scrutiny factor. Right? So, like, it's kind of like the public piece, you know, it's like when we know we're having company, you know, when we know we're sort of in the spotlight, we want to. We want things to look a certain way. Right? It's like, oh, people are coming over. I've got to freshen up, and I've got to freshen up the space, right. Because I want it to sort of reflect a certain image. And then with the curated piece, I feel like nearly everything about social media is curated. Essentially, social media is curation. So it's almost like we can't help it. It is sort of the nature and essence of social media and the culture surrounding. And then, yeah, that third piece, I think, is that. And I'm just pulling up the question again really quickly. We're constantly scrutinizing and being scrutinized on social media, and more easily. So because we can do it from behind the screen, you know, it's like, all I got to do is, like, open my laptop or my phone, and, you know, I can sit there and sort of judge everyone and, like, scroll and comment and say whatever comes to mind. And there are. The repercussions are minimal, you know? And so it's just so easy. It's like, I bet most of y'all probably wouldn't say that shit to my face, you know? And if you would, like, props to you, I guess we could talk about it. But, um. You know, but I just think it's so. It's so, um. There's so much scrutiny, scrutiny, scrutiny. And. And so, yeah, it's like, why. Like, why would I expose my authentic self to the public, given the culture of social media, right? Like, why would I do that? So it just makes sense to me. I think that in that space, insincerity is, like, rampant is the word. Yeah.
• 11:23
  Speaker A: Yeah, that's great. And so where can I watch this video of you?
• 11:27
  Speaker B: No, it's coming.
• 11:29
  Speaker C: Okay.
• 11:29
  Speaker B: It's coming.
• 11:30
  Speaker A: Yeah.
• 11:30
  Speaker B: I recorded, like, snippets, and I'm just kind of putting it together and compiling it into this. Like, I think it'll be a real. It might end up on YouTube as well, because I was like, you know what, gymshark? I'm into your stuff. And I don't know, I think. I think there may be a relationship there in the future. Who knows?
• 11:49
  Speaker A: I look forward to it.
• 11:50
  Speaker B: Yeah.
• 11:51
  Speaker A: How about you? Matt, what's your take on this?
• 11:55
  Speaker C: Yeah, there's a lot percolating here. And I'm, like, kind of feeling, like, how do I even stream this all into a channeled message? But, yeah, my first thing that came up was like, how do I know if somebody's being authentic or not, right? Like, and who am I to even determine that for them? Do you know what I mean? Like, I think I don't know most of these people that I see on social media. I don't know them from Adam. I'm just kind of like. So I don't know what is authentic to them. Maybe. Maybe being how they are on social media, maybe that is the real them. Maybe that's, you know, the, the archetype that they play, and maybe they're not actually connected to that deeper, more, you know, authentic part of themselves. I have no idea. Right. So I try my best to not. But it's very hard. It's actually probably, I would say one of the hardest things. Like, and sometimes what I'll do is I'll catch myself and I'll be like, you know, I'll be like Simon Cowell on social media just judging. And I'm like, oh, shit, like, I gotta stop. So I'll just set it down. And I kind of, like, check in with my mood. Like, why am I judging? Like, where what's going on in my internal world that's making me feel like, the need to want to, you know, analyze somebody or judge them or critique them or whatever. But I would say. I would say insincerity is probably a protector from rejection. Like Reno said, scrutiny, criticism, these sorts of things. And I think we learn from the dominant culture what's acceptable and what's not. And when we're probably younger, more impressionable, haven't fully developed a strong sense of self or a strong sense of self worth, I think that we go along with what the dominant culture wants. And, like, I know I did that for sure. And I was posting all the selfies and everything was so curated in my, you know, the perfect lighting, and I would take 2020 body shots before I post the picture and, and all these things. Right. I did that because I thought that's what the dominant culture wanted of me. And as I'm getting older, I'm, like, finding that I'm, like, caring less about those things. And actually the last few in, I haven't really posted many, but I would say in the last two years, I've posted maybe a couple body pictures and I haven't done the sucking in. And, like, I actually had somebody reach out to me and they're like, you know, thank you so much for, like, posting this picture. Like, it really, like, made me feel, and I kind of felt like, are you, like, totally. Like, it felt like a bit of a dig. You know what I mean? Like, they were, like, thanking me for posting my belly hanging out. So it was just interesting. But I think I just took it that way. Like, I don't think it was intentionally meant that way. And then I've also talked about the experience that I had with seeing the picture of myself where I was, my body was changing and things like that. So I don't know. I've just kind of learned to just, you know, just allow. But I also want to acknowledge the part of me that still wants to curate, like, I do. I curate, like, my backdrops curated. My hair is done today. Like, I want to look good and I want to feel good, and I think it's important. So I kind of, like, honor both of these parts. And I think for me, it's like, I like both. You know, I like. And I wouldn't say I like insincerity, but I like probably authenticity and curation. I think they both have a place, and I think I'm, like, I'm learning that it's, like, it's okay to indulge in both of them. And I think where. Where I would. Where I'd probably judge someone as insincere is when all of their content is curated. There's nothing on there that is, like, real of, like, you know, like, oh, I woke up today looking like this or my hair was messy or whatever. It's like they always have to put forward, like, perfection. I would say that would probably be where I would be a little bit more, like, critic. Like, critical of that person. I'd be like, I kind of want more from you. I want, like, I want to see, like, behind the scenes, not just all your highlight reels, you know? So. But, yeah, I would say probably for sure the biggest thing would be. Would be fear of rejection or criticism. And then I actually wanted to highlight, too. Brene Brown has something called the vulnerability paradox, and it's the first thing I look for in you and the last thing I want you to see in me. Right. So I think a lot of. A lot of us are really terrified of, like, putting forward our bloated tummy or this or that because we're worried that people are going to criticize us or they're going to be, like, ooh. Like, you know, these sorts of things, but I'm like, you know, I just find that the more and more work I've done on myself, the more I'm actually drawn to and attracted to, like, these non, like, typical things of attraction. Like, I actually am attracted to a little bit of a gut on a guy. Like, these sorts of things. Like, I think, right? Like, a little bit of scruffiness, like hair messy. Like, you know, like, I don't know, there's just these things don't really. So I'd love to see more and more people feel more comfortable to share authentically and vulnerably, but also honor the part of themselves that wants to, you know, curate and look pretty and have a perfect selfie and all that. That's fine, too. So, yeah.
• 16:59
  Speaker A: Yeah. Um, I think fear you guys both kind of alluded to. That is the big one. Uh, fear of judgment, fear of criticism, fear of rejection. All the things shame.
• 17:09
  Speaker C: Yeah.
• 17:09
  Speaker A: Like, we talked about so much. But I I'll answer it specifically again to. To my environment right now. Just keep in mind all my answers are coming from having been here for three weeks now. Um, and by the way, I love the other pv, and I love the pv gaze. Uh, and everyone who came to say hi to me, as always, and you're probably listening to this podcast saying, oh, yeah, he's talking about me. But, yeah, there's also an element that I sense this is totally a judgment, not a factual thing, but it's like a unspoken competitiveness based on a high degree of pressure. Societal pressure, I'm not sure. Cultural pressure. And I'm speaking specifically to the gay world. To need. To look good, to need to achieve the certain body type, to have a certain look, to get eyeballs and attention and love and affection and friendship, all the things, right. I feel it. I feel that pressure to, like, need to conform almost to a certain type. And I see it here because it's very concentrated. Anyone who's been to pv knows that. It's not a big space where the gays are, but it is very concentrated. So you feel it? I feel it. I feel it for sure. And I think that can be, whether it's conscious or not competitive. And, you know, not that I'm like, oh, I'm competing with a guy beside me, but you kind of are sometimes right for attention from the other guy. And it just creates this kind of perfect storm of wanting to put your best self forward and get that attention. And so I think we're all vying for the same light balls. We're all vying for that kind of attention from other people. It's validation seeking. It's compare and despair. Or just comparing. Right. If I'm standing beside you and you look like this, I need to, like, you know, puff up my chest and suck in my belly so that I'm not, you know, the other guy standing beside you. Right. So I think it comes from a lot of that as well, in addition to everything that you guys talked about. I just didn't want to say that again, but here I feel like it's a high pressure, high pressure situation.
• 19:06
  Speaker C: Yeah, I agree. And I think we're all vying for the same resources, right? Like sex and dates and these sorts of things. And those resources come within the same pool of people that we're also friends with.
• 19:17
  Speaker A: Yeah.
• 19:18
  Speaker C: So, like, there's this whole thing, and I find, like, you know, there's. There's a strong. And I even see it in myself too, this strong pull towards, like, even when I'm, like, assessing whether I'll be friends with somebody or not, I'm, like, assessing their level of attractiveness. Like, it's like, part of, like, a conditioning that I'm working so effing hard to undo, but it's like. And I see this so much in our culture, right. It's like they like people putting. Using attractiveness as, like, the number one factor of accessibility to that person or, like, whether you'd hang out with that person, whether it's platonic or romantic. And I just find that that is such a. It's just such a terrible conditioning to carry around, in my opinion. Like, it causes so much hurt and rejection and these sorts of things. And I just find that. That our culture is very, very much like that.
• 20:09
  Speaker A: Yeah. Yeah. Have you been to Puerto Vallarta now?
• 20:11
  Speaker C: Yeah. Not. Not to explore the gay world, but yes, I've been there.
• 20:15
  Speaker A: I feel like you would definitely sense that at, like I said, a very high, high concentrated level here. Yeah. What you're saying.
• 20:20
  Speaker C: Yeah, yeah, yeah. It probably wouldn't be my scene, to be honest.
• 20:24
  Speaker A: I can't imagine it would be the beach. You would love the beach, for sure, but maybe not, like, the going up part. Yeah.
• 20:29
  Speaker C: Yeah.
• 20:30
  Speaker A: Okay. Um. So let's go to our next question. This one is one that I love. We could probably do an entire episode on this. At least I could. But what's the difference between being fake and wanting to put your best self forward? This is what I struggled with because I was like, am I inauthentic for wanting to do this. Like I said, I came to my conclusions. I'll share a bit later, but, yeah, let's start with Rena.
• 20:51
  Speaker B: Yeah, there's a few. Again, there's, like, what I love about this conversation around authenticity is, like, how nuanced it is. And I love that you had mentioned, Matt, that, you know, it's. It's kind of tricky to assess whether someone is being authentic or not. You know, how do you qualify that? How do you quantify that? It's quite. It's quite tricky. And what I came up with, you know, in response to this question and the distinction between being fake or putting your best self forward was that, well, first of all, it's probably a question you'd have to ask yourself, you know? So, like, I feel that I have the capacity to determine whether what I'm up to is sincere, genuine, and an integrity or not. And it's usually a feeling. There's a feeling like, ah, you know, this. Something about this feels a little bit off. And it might be like, you know, it might be that I'm, like, sucking in. In a photo or something like that, you know? And again, the distinction is settled because, I don't know, in some cases, there's something, like, cute and fun and sexy about that, I guess, you know? And then in other cases, it's like, well, you know, the questions that I came up with were like, who is this for? Like, who am I doing this for? Why am I doing this? And who am I being right now? And is who I'm being right now truly who I want to be? You know, I think. I think meeting our actions with sort of curiosity and discernment can really help us begin to recognize whether, you know, whether we're doing something from insincerity or not. I think that's kind of how I would assess it. Yeah. Yeah, I think. I think that's it for now. On that. Yeah.
• 22:59
  Speaker A: Matt, what about you?
• 23:03
  Speaker C: What's the difference between being fake and wanting to put your best self forward? Hmm.
• 23:09
  Speaker A: Welcome to my brain for the last week.
• 23:11
  Speaker C: I know I'm kind of like. And I just looked at these questions this morning. Like, I did look at them briefly, but I wasn't pondering on them. But, yeah, I don't know. I really. Part of me just wants to normalize, like, putting our best foot forward. It's like, you know, it's just, why would somebody want to put their not best foot forward? When you think about it, right at the end of the day, it takes a lot of, like, courage to do that. And I do see that, you know, it kind of can put a target on our backs when we're putting those parts of ourselves forward to maybe like, unconscious people, I would say if somebody puts their. They're not best foot forward with. With me. I'm like, I welcome it. I'm like, all of you is welcome here. Right? So maybe people who aren't, like, at that place, they're going to judge somebody for, like, being bloated and doing a video. Like, I can't even imagine judging somebody for that. Right. But I'm sure there's people out there that that would. Right? Um, so yeah, I guess our best selves doesn't have to be fake. It can be, um, like the real part of us. Um, but I guess again, it's like this is my biggest wish for myself and for the community is that we can all just feel more safe to bring all of us forward. So curated, authentic, all of it. Just bring it all forward. I just think I would love that. I'm so drawn and attracted to men that own themselves. Like, all of themselves, they're integrated. Whether that be different polarities, it could be masculine, feminine, different things like that. Just somebody who's integrated. I love it. I think it's very attractive. And I also wanted to note, too that people can feel insecure putting their best selves forward. I know for me, I've dimmed my light because I don't want to shine too bright. And I think our culture can tell us, don't brag, be humble and we can perform humility. You know what I mean? Sometimes our best self, like, we don't put that forward because we're. We don't want to be too. Too bold or too bright or look like we're bragging or whatever. Um, and then the last thing I wrote here was, are you getting your needs met and are you happy? Like, at the end of the day, like, that's really all that matters. And, um, so I'm trying to, like, live my life from a place of not complete absolution, of, like, caring what people think because I don't think that's possible. But, like, just truly just living for me. You know what I mean? Like, and, like, not always having to think of the end result of my actions. Like, is this going to get me followers? Is this going to get me a date or whatever? Like, just truly living in the moment and, like, and being real. And I find that, like, when I'm like that, I attract all the things I'm desiring anyway. But when I try and curate and I try and be too, like, performative or too perfectionistic, like, I'm not really attracting the energy or the people or the, the opportunities that I really actually desire on a soul level, it may be, like, attracting, like, ego energy. So, um, but, yeah, I can't really answer this question. It's a hard question to answer, like, straight up at face value. Like, what's the difference between being fake and wanting to put your best self forward? Um, they're too intertwined. Right. Sometimes our best self will be fake, and sometimes it won't. So I don't know. It's hard to untangle the two, in my opinion. Yeah, I'd love to hear from people that are watching this that have a more concrete way of answering that. Like, drop it in the comments because I think I'm still grappling with this one for sure.
• 26:40
  Speaker A: Yeah, same, same. It is complex and it is very nuanced. That word is really good. And, yeah, I don't think there is a clear answer either. But I will tell you guys what I have come up with, having been thinking about this myself. So where I'm at with it is there's a middle ground. There's a happy middle ground. Curating content. These are just my opinions does not make you fake. Wanting to present yourself in a favorable life does not make you fake.
• 27:05
  Speaker C: Yeah.
• 27:06
  Speaker A: Wanting to appeal to an audience, I do this with my business all the time. I want to appeal to gay men, obviously. So wanting to appeal to an audience does not make you fake. I don't think these things make you fake. As long as it's an accurate depiction and it does reflect something about you that is genuine, that is authentic, like a genuine experience, a genuine value and genuine interest. Okay, so then I ask myself, okay, well, then what is fake? At what point do I, in my mind, at least, this is just my mind. I'm showing you guys here, what point is that? Fake. So when, for me, it's like, when it's a complete departure from someone's true self. Like, it's, it's like a false Persona. So they're, like, completely misrepresenting themselves or their experience. So if I'm here at a beach, okay, and let's say it's raining and cloudy and I, like, take my photo and I put a totally different background on it that's sunny and lots of people walking around, like, photoshopping it to that point. That, to me, is fake, where it's a complete misrepresentation of what's going on?
• 28:06
  Speaker C: Yeah.
• 28:07
  Speaker A: Also, you see this a lot with AI and photo editing, people making things look bigger, smaller, all that kind of stuff. That to me, is where it's more fake, creating a fake Persona. So a false Persona. So someone who's online, let's say, on social media, where they are representing that they have a lot of money and they don't. Where they represent they have a lot of friends and they don't where they're representing. They live in this house, but it's actually their friend's house, that kind of thing. And we see a lot of that. Unfortunately, it is very much a social media thing. It's something of our time that we have to, I think, be very mindful of when we're consuming content. And for me personally, I ask myself, how does it feel? And that's how we know everything, right? We've said that on this podcast so many times. How does it feel? You guys both just said it. And I think when I'm misrepresenting myself or if I'm being fake, for me, that feels sneaky. I know, first of all, I can't lie to myself. I know it feels sneaky. It feels kind of shameful. Like there's this inner conflict, like I don't know if I should be. And it also feels needy and desperate because I'm needing the validation. And it's okay to want validation, but like, it's like a desperate, graspy, needy energy. Not just like, oh, yes, validation feels good, right? Which it does. So then the difference between that and putting your best self forward again, just for me, is if I'm showcasing my genuine strengths and positive attributes that are actually, truly there, they're actually truly, authentically part of me. Things that I am good at. That's fine. If, you know, highlighting things that I'm proud of. Right? That's fine. Like, I'm really proud of, for example, you know, my business or things that I've accomplished in my life, I'm like, yeah, I'm going to post about that. I'm going to share about that. Because it's rooted in the truth. It's rooted in the truth of me. And how that feels to me is more self assured. It feels good. There's pride in there, but like a good pride, and there's no shame. It's shameless. And I think another thing I just thought of as I'm talking to you guys now is if both are available to me. So obviously there's my best foot forward and also my worst foot forward. They're both available to me. I'm going to choose my best foot forward unless there is benefit to not. And we've done this on this podcast before. We've come, all of us have come to the table with our insecurities, our bad experiences, our fears, our challenges, and we come to the table with that. So I think for us, we can come to the table with both. And I think this podcast is a great example of it. And it's not about hiding them and pushing them away, like, forever. It's about saying, yeah, sometimes I am going to bring this forward and show my audience. And, you know, my instagram is very curated, but sometimes I bring my insecurities, but it's for the greater good. It's for the purpose of it. So that's where I'm at with it. I'm not sure if that made a lot of sense, but hopefully, hopefully it does. And again, reiterate what Matt said. You know, drop your comments. I'm curious.
• 31:02
  Speaker C: Yeah, I have a. I have a question for you guys. It's kind of like a comment and then leads into a question. But so being an empath, I can feel, like, incongruency in people. Okay, so always, like, so if somebody is, and I'll give you, like, just an example. So let's say, like, I somebody, I just meet somebody and I can feel in them. And I'm an emotional empath. I can feel people's emotional world, like, very easily. So, like, I could feel, like, let's say, for example, they are struggling with, like, self worth issues. And they've got, like, a lot of, like, self worth energy holding low, self worth energy holding in their body. And then they represent themselves in this grandiose big way. So it's like an overcompensation for this part in them. Do you see that as inauthentic, like an incongruency? So somebody trying to compensate, to try and mask from feeling. I think a lot of humans do this, and I've even done this in my, like, myself, too. You know, I think that actually probably would answer a lot of this because I think the reason why a lot of us don't want to put ourselves, our real self for is because we're afraid of people hitting on the wounds that we have inside of us, of I'm not good enough and I'm not lovable, I'm not worthy and all these sorts of things. So I'm curious for you guys, like, what are your thoughts about that?
• 32:18
  Speaker B: I think as long as you're acknowledging what's happening. Like, there's a distinction between trying to mask a lack of self esteem with, like, overcompensatory behavior and, say, honoring that you are ever a work in progress. Acknowledging that and owning that you're embodying an identity, an expression, a being that doesn't yet feel totally integrated. And, you know, and and that it's experimental. You know, it's like, oh, I don't know if this is me yet, but I'm trying it on. Right. And we'll see. And just acknowledging it as opposed to, like, yeah, I think walking around kind of. Yeah, overcompensating. And, yeah, it's, again, it's like, it's nuanced. And sometimes it's really subtle. But I'd say that, to me, is the difference. Yeah.
• 33:25
  Speaker A: Self awareness. I think it's similar to what Reynolds say. I would say if you know you're doing it, I think that's. I can reconcile that a bit better. Like, okay, at least you're aware that this is what's happening versus a complete unawareness. It's, like, completely unconscious.
• 33:43
  Speaker C: Yeah. It kind of bleeds into the conversation we had last week about revealing ourselves.
• 33:50
  Speaker A: Yes.
• 33:51
  Speaker C: Like, do you have the capacity to reveal yourselves? Because I think revealing ourselves leads to authenticity and authentic connection. But if we're feeling these things and then we're overcompensating, and all we're sharing is this overcompensated part, then I think that leads into inauthenticity or insincerity. But I totally have compassion for that. And I understand that it's very, very hard to reveal the parts of ourselves that that we've maybe been shamed for in the past or rejected for in the past, and we've just had to learn to shell them up and hide them because, you know, rejection is terrifying. I'm still terrified of rejection. It sucks. So I get it.
• 34:30
  Speaker B: It also, I think this also touches on, again, it's like, I love this conversation because it's so nuanced. And it touches on some tricky territory as well because, you know, this is a whole other conversation. Maybe I won't get too into it, but it's like, being is so malleable, identity is so malleable that, like, it's like, I could be. I could be being that I have low self esteem and a sort of simple shift in, like, my mind, you know, a simple reframe, a change in being, a change in behavior could sort of quickly pivot me into new territory. And I I'm trying to find a way to word this so that it comes across clearly, because it's a bit tricky. But it's like, I think what it, what I'm saying brings to mind the question of are we ever. Are we ever really being authentic? And are we ever not really being authentic? Like, yeah, like, are we ever really authentic? And are we ever really not authentic?
• 35:46
  Speaker A: You know, so existential.
• 35:49
  Speaker B: Yeah. Right. Well, it is. Yeah.
• 35:52
  Speaker C: It's momentary, too, though, because authenticity isn't like this state that we achieve. It's like a, it's an ever flowing energy. And it's like, that's why revealing yourself, owning your experience, and revealing your experience are the main principles of being authentic. Because in, in one moment, I could have these thoughts, and then I could hop on a call and have the same conversation with two other guys, and their energy is going to bring up something new in me, and I'm going to reveal a different part of my experience. So I think authenticity is just, it's not a moving thing that you can zone in on. It's just a constant flow of energy. And it's. It takes courage to be authentic because it's the courage to bring forth these parts of yourself. But knowing, like, what you said, they're always malleable, they're always shifting and changing. And it's our job to kind of tune into them and reveal them when it feels safe, comfortable, these sorts of things. Yeah.
• 36:39
  Speaker A: Yeah. And for someone who, going back to what I had said about the unconscious, I just realized this. If it's unconscious to them, then they're being authentic because they don't know the difference. So they're overcompensating authentically because they don't know they're doing it. Right?
• 36:56
  Speaker C: Yeah.
• 36:56
  Speaker A: True. Great discussion, boys. Okay, so last question. Do you think you can truly ascertain someone's authenticity on social media? Why or why not? Reno?
• 37:19
  Speaker B: So I read. I read the question as do you think you truly ascertain authenticity?
• 37:27
  Speaker C: The word can. The word can is. Was missing out of it, so it changes the whole thing. Do you think you can truly ascertain authenticity on social media?
• 37:35
  Speaker B: But I think you meant, do you think. Do I think I truly ascertain?
• 37:40
  Speaker A: Yeah.
• 37:41
  Speaker B: Okay.
• 37:42
  Speaker A: Can you look at someone's social media and, like, get it and get an idea for whether they're being authentic or not?
• 37:48
  Speaker B: Okay, so I'll answer it two ways, the way I thought you asked it and the way you asked it. So do I think I can? Yeah, in a way. Like, I love what Matt said. Earlier, and I was having this conversation with friends last night, and I was saying to them, you know, and they acknowledged it, too. They were like, you're really, really observant and really perceptive. Like, my ticker, I can pick up on subtleties that, like, people themselves aren't even aware of sometimes. You know, like, I know when they're just, like, a little off, and sometimes I'll reveal something that I'm picking up on, and they didn't even notice it until I said it, and then they're like, oh, wow. So, yeah, I think in ways I can certainly, you know, ascertain, like, I guess, whether something's, like, off or not. Yeah, I would say so. And that's come with years of practice, you know, growing up in environments where I had to be able to sense when something was off, you know, people weren't forthcoming, and so my extrasensory capacities just became, like, highly attuned. So, yeah, I'd say yes, generally speaking, most cases. And then do I maintain social authenticity on social media? Not always. Not always. I would say, I'm definitely aware of when I'm putting something forward that with the intention of being perceived in a particular way that isn't necessarily accurate to, like, what is actual, you know, what is real. It's pretty rare, though. I'm going to say that. Like, it's pretty rare, I would say. I'm honestly, sometimes even people will say, like, it makes me uncomfortable how? Like, how, like, honest or expressive or authentic you on social media, like, they'll say, whoa. Like, you know, to be honest, like, I thought you were a little bit too much before, but now I'm meeting you and, like, we're cool, and I'm like, yeah, that's okay. Like, I get that. I'm all right with that. It comes with the territory. But, yeah, that's my answer to that question. What about you, Matt?
• 40:31
  Speaker C: Yeah, I thought it was the same. I answered it the way, the second way that you answered it, too, but I'm going to try and do both.
• 40:37
  Speaker B: Yeah, it's fun this way.
• 40:38
  Speaker A: Yeah.
• 40:39
  Speaker C: Yeah, I would say, yes, I can ascertain. But I also want to practice humility and be like, I'm not an all knowing being. I can't. Just because I'm an empath doesn't mean that every perception I have is accurate.
• 40:54
  Speaker A: There's.
• 40:54
  Speaker C: We're always projecting as human beings, and if I. If I didn't have an ego, if I removed my ego, I probably would say, yeah, I could ascertain 100%. But our ego is always filtering, right? So I will. I have a perception of reality, and I've got triggers and wounds and these sorts of things and traumas. And whenever I'm viewing somebody, all of those, that that person is going through these filters, right? So unless I'm 100% integrated, 100% healed, which I don't think is possible as a human being, where fallible as human beings. And so I would say yes, for the most part, I have. I can. I can generally get a sense of somebody if somebody's congruent or not. I would say congruency is a better word for me to use because I feel duality in people. I can't say I feel people's authenticity because I don't know what that is to them. It's very unique to them. Right. So. But congruency would be a better word. Um, and then for myself, do I think I can truly, you know, am I. Am I authentic on social media? Essentially on my. On my professional page, 100%. Like, that's my brand. Like, I share everything, even on these episodes. Like, I hold nothing back. Like, I speak exactly what is on my mind and in my heart in the moment. I don't hold anything back. I don't censor myself. And it leads to. Yeah, people project onto me all the time. I get messages all the time. 80% of them are really beautiful and nice, and those are still projections because they're seeing me in a certain way. And then 20% of time, I get other types of feedback. And again, I take those the same way as I take the positive ones is it's people projecting the way that they perceive me. So being authentic isn't easy. It can be very challenging because you're rubbing people the wrong way. A lot of people, you know, people please, and they. They aren't authentic. So when they see people being authentic, it's, like, easy to use them as the target for. For projection. Right. And then I would say for myself, authentic relating, because I've been practicing authentic relating now for five years. That's become my dominant way of relating to people. So I find that sometimes I. I put people off. Like, people are like, whoa, why do you want to talk about these things? This is so deep and so intense and these sorts of things. So I don't excel in small talk. I excel in authentic relating and authentic connections. So I would say, yeah, I'm a pretty authentic person. And, yeah, I would say from that, how I discern that for myself is I am congruent. What is going on for me internally is how I represent myself externally. The place where I would say I still do a bit of performing would probably be in this sort of thing. Like, I've got my background set up, but I don't. I don't know if that's inauthentic to me, because if you saw my house, my house is very neat and tidy, and everything has its place. I think my anal retentiveness is probably. And my perfectionistic stuff comes through, but, you know, and then on my personal, like, for example, my personal Instagram. Yeah. Like, I put my best foot forward because that's not the page where I'm going on there to express, you know, the things I'm. That I'm dealing with or struggling with or things that I perceive my. My clientele or my followers are struggling with these sorts of things. So I would say probably my. My personal Instagram is a little bit more curated, and I am putting, like, the highlight reels of my life. So, yeah, yeah, nice.
• 44:32
  Speaker A: You guys got to answer it in two ways. I like that. Yeah, that actually worked out. Um, so, for me, the way I answered is, can I truly ascertain someone's authenticity on social media? And my short answer is no, because how will I know truly, kind of like what Matt had said, beginning, who am I to know what they're truly authentically like? Um, and also, in my experience, when I've met people in person, that's when I. That's when I can really get a sense of their energy. Um, that's why I don't do Grindr hookups anymore. I can chat with people on Grindr, but I need to meet them first in a no expectation environment before I ascertain whether something's going to happen or not. But it's the same idea. I can get a sense of somebody on social media, but I guess I'm also a little bit cynical about this because I see so much of it, and it's very easy to paint a picture and curate. But again, that's not always being inauthentic. Uh, there's. There is a fine line there, right? So I just want to make that clear. Um, but the long answer, if the short answer is no, then the longer answer is yes to a degree. Like, I can. I can get a sense of it. Like, there's a ceiling there. I can. I can be pretty good judge when I look at someone's profile, for example, that I don't know, um, if I'm scrolling through kind of the things I'm looking for are is this too pretty? Is this too good? Is this too perfect? Is this too much? Like, I could just. It's a feeling. I have another thing I like to see in people's profiles especially. So now that I'm single again, I'm using Instagram more than I'm using grindr to meet people, which is great, but I look for, like, a mix of photos. So it's not just selfie, selfie, selfie, selfie, selfie, selfie, selfie. It's kind of like, just show me a little bit more. So if I see, like, a funny photo where they're kind of, like, off the cuff, candid laughing and, you know, versus a really pretty nice curated shot, you know, a gym selfie or whatever, I like to see a mix and a mix of people. So if it's just you, you, you, you on your social media, that's for me. That doesn't. That doesn't. Yeah, for sure. And then also someone who can make fun of themselves. So, as I said, like, photos where they're kind of. They don't look good or, like, they don't look perfect, but it's still really endearing and beautiful and authentic. That, to me, is very attractive. So guys who can kind of have a sense of humor. Actually, going back to my first story, this group of guys on the beach when they were doing that whole, oh, yeah, should we post it? Should we not post it? Blah, blah, blah. The one guy's like, oh, my God. Like, I look terrible. But he said, I remember this. I don't give a fuck. Post it anyway. And I was like, you're my guy. Yeah. You're the one that I love. It's like, fuck it. Just go ahead, post it. What does it matter, right? So that, to me, is more authentic. And that's a good way to look at it, is how, if it's you in that position, do you want them to, like, take the picture again and say, no, no, we got to do Dan. I can't let that go. Do you want them to post it and not tag you so that people can't find you and see that? Right. It's very interesting to go through that process in your own mind, yourself, if you're in that position.
• 47:30
  Speaker C: Yeah. When I was younger, I probably would have cared. Now I don't really.
• 47:33
  Speaker A: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I had to learn that my friends will post photos and they won't ask, and they'll just post and they're like, oh, yeah. Not. Not my best moment, but it's kind of. It's good practice for me. Like, okay, well, this is. This is it. This is authentically me. I made that face. I look like that in that particular moment. That was authentically me. So have at it. And if someone wants to judge me for that, then again, they're not my person.
• 47:57
  Speaker C: Yeah, exactly.
• 47:58
  Speaker A: Yeah.
• 47:59
  Speaker B: While we were speaking, too, I was thinking about, like, I don't exactly know what the distinction is, but I think, like, congruence is the word. There's this. There's something around congruence. Like, I can feel. Yeah. Like, I'm really sort of attuned to congruence and, like, when it's present and when it's not, perhaps so, like, you know, as maybe a synonym for, like, authenticity or integrity or, you know, words akin to. Yeah, there's a piece where, like, when there's a lack of congruence or something like that, it's like I can feel it even when it's at all. Yeah.
• 48:42
  Speaker A: When it's me, I think, let's go to Reno's example of, like, people coming over to your house and you wanting to clean up the house. For me, it depends on the person and depends on who you are. Like, your level of closeness to me. If it's someone that I don't know, like I'm going on a first date or someone who I don't know. I want the house to be nice. I want. I want me to show up with my best foot forward if it's someone. But as we get to know each other and as those walls come down a bit, and as that mask and those layers reveal themselves more, first of all, I'm not afraid to do that. I'm happy to do that. I want to do that with the right person. I don't keep them away. But then all of a sudden, it doesn't matter what my house looks like. You want to pop over, you can come over whenever you want. Doors open. I could be half naked and things. A shrew. Come on in. My home is your home. And it's the same thing with how I show up with myself. I've said before, my friends have seen me my absolute worst. I don't try at all to put on any kind of show for them. So it is different. And as I get to know somebody, I think this is true for a lot of people. Those walls come down. But I think it's important that we allow that to happen. We are okay to feel vulnerable, to be authentic, and to let down that. Peel off those layers one step at a time.
• 49:52
  Speaker C: Yeah.
• 49:54
  Speaker B: Someone asked a question once, and I don't know if I'm going to get it right completely, but it was something along the lines of, like, what's it like to be you when you're not trying to be anything? I love that, you know? And I was like, oh, that's so good. Yeah. It's like, what? Yeah. Like, who. Like, who are you? Slash what. What is it like to be you when you're not trying to be anything? And I just noticed, like, I breathe a bit more deeply. My shoulders relax a bit. My body relaxes a bit. My nervous system just kind of chills out a bit, you know? And it's like, what if we all. What if we all just kind of got to move through the world in that way, you know, just for this moment or, like, just for today? Like, what if. What if you tried that on? Like, what if, just for today, you tried, like, what if you just. Yeah, just for today, you weren't trying to be anything or be anyone, you know? And you just were like, what would that be like?
• 50:59
  Speaker A: Yeah, I love that question. Yeah, Matt, how would you answer that?
• 51:05
  Speaker C: How would. What was the question?
• 51:08
  Speaker B: Um. What's it like to be you when you're not trying to be anything?
• 51:14
  Speaker A: Yeah.
• 51:15
  Speaker B: Yeah, yeah.
• 51:16
  Speaker C: So that is authenticity for me.
• 51:18
  Speaker B: Yeah.
• 51:19
  Speaker C: In one side of it, though, I would say, you know, and the other side is, it's like we did the episode on reinventing yourself, and it was about, like, self concept, and how when one self concept starts to kind of, like, it's no longer a fit for us. We move into a new self concept. And that's part of how psychology works. Like, our own psychology, our own ego. It's grabbing onto identities that we can. That we can connect with. So I think they're both okay, right? Like, it's like when one parts of a part of us is, like, dying off or we're going through a rebirth or a reinvention, I think, you know, connecting and trying on new hats, you know, playing with perception. Like, who would I be if I was this, right? So I think they're both. They're both valid. They're both can be authentic. But I love this. I love this notion of, like, letting go of all of this stuff. And I think that's, for me, has been the. Probably the best way to describe my spiritual awakening and my spiritual evolution is I have less and less identification with labels, and I less and less want to play around with perception, and I want to just be the energy of who I am and embody you know, like, whatever I am. Like, some days I'm depressed. Some days I'm tired. Some days I'm happy. Some days I'm naughty. Like, it just kind of just embody all of them, you know? Like, yeah, this is a really. We could go so meta with this. Like, this is a very meta concept in my.
• 52:42
  Speaker B: I'm, like, resisting the urge because I so would. Yeah.
• 52:47
  Speaker C: And I hate that Facebook took that word meta because I'm like, I hate even using it now because it means Facebook. I'm like, screw you, Facebook. That's such an awesome word. And you totally change.
• 52:57
  Speaker B: You know, I think how this whole concept of authenticity has changed for me, too, is that, like, who I am has become more of an emergence, a revealing. Like, I'm not. I don't really feel like I push it. I think it's more just like, I kind of sit back and I am revealed to myself every day in every moment, and I'm like, hmm, okay, cool. So, like, this is what we're up to today. This is what. This is what we're wearing today. This is who we're being today. This is what we're drawn to or away from today. This is how we're perceiving things today. And it's. I sort of. I just noticed, like, I'm a little bit more relaxed in it all, as opposed to, like, I don't know, really trying to put anything in particular forward. Like, even today, I was just like, I know, wear a hoodie and a vest and my sweatpants and my cap, you know? Like, I don't. I was like, I don't really care to, like, you know, give the kids a look. Like, this is the look. This is the look today, you know? Yeah, it's comfort is the look. Yeah.
• 54:06
  Speaker A: I love it. So, at the risk of going for another hour, is there any brief last words you guys have to share on the topic? We're good. Okay, awesome. Well, thank you, Matt. Thank you, Reno, as always, for your wisdom and insights on this topic. You answered some questions for me, and in other ways, we have open doors to more. So to that end, for those of you who are watching and listening, please share with us your thoughts on YouTube. If you're listening to us on Apple Podcast or any podcast provider, it would be amazing if you could give us a five star rating and a review that helps us get into the ears of the people who need to hear this podcast the most. And if you are interested in keeping this conversation going, please join us in the gay men's Brotherhood for our connection circles on the second Thursday of the month and our sharing circles on the last Thursday of the month. To get more information on those, please join our email list or pop into the Gamers Brotherhood group on Facebook. Thank you guys and have a great one. See you next time.