Latest / The Reformed Tired Girls Club Podcast / How My Health Issues Made Me Resent My Middle Name
Transcript
- Heather Copfer: So my middle name is Joy, which is a little ironic because for most of my life, ⁓ Joy was the last thing, the last thing I felt. And it actually made me angry when my mom called me Joy or Heather Joy, because she never just called me Heather. She called me Joy or Heather Joy. And it made my blood boil because I didn't I didn't feel like that fit me. I didn't feel like this joyful person, like I had a lot of joy in my life. And I resented it. I really resented it. And it's so funny thinking about how our circumstances and what we're going through health-wise can have such an impact on us in that kind of trivial way. like legitimately resenting my middle name and it making me angry. I remember being embarrassed when people asked me what my middle name was. Like I didn't want to tell them. I didn't want to, to, to be called Heather Joy, to be called Joy. It just wasn't me. And I was really inside. I was just sad and angry and confused. And you know, a lot of that has to do with growing up in a not so joyful environment, if I'll say. And you know, that really only amplified when I got to middle school because when I got to middle school is when I started getting physical manifestations in the form of symptoms, in the form of health issues. remember I was in seventh grade, and seventh grade is when I started getting acne, right? And it's not just like those one or two zets you get like on your temple, like in between your eyebrows, like no, I had bumps, you guys, I had bumps. My forehead was a bumpy bumpy road and I put just foundation and just makeup like on my forehead to hide it. I was a seventh grader coating my forehead with foundation and powder and concealer because it was bumpy. My periods were insane, insanely painful. I remember it was like fricking clockwork. It was fourth period. in science class with Mrs. Von Kolen. Shout out to Mrs. Von Kolen wherever you are in life. I really hope you are living your best life because you are amazing to me. ⁓ Fourth period at 1144, I shit you not you guys, 1144 on the fourth day of my cycle, my cramps hit me like a freaking truck. They hit me like a truck and I would have to go to the nurse's office and I would be curled up on the nurse's, Like, you know how like the nurses had like little beds like that were like not taped off or roped off, but they were, they have the, what can I think of it? Whatever, the beds. I would be curled up on the bed just with a heating pad curled up and she would give me some medicine. But sometimes the medicine wasn't enough and I would have to be taken out of school. And I remember being in my mom's car and just screaming because the pain was that bad. It was awful. Yes, my home life wasn't that great, but now I'm this middle schooler who's dealing with things that honestly a middle schooler shouldn't be dealing with. And it just made me more sad and more angry and more confused. that's really when I really started noticing being depressed. ⁓ You know, again, I I didn't grow up in a joyful, go-lucky environment. But in middle school, I noticed that I was just sad. I was just sad a lot, which again, added fuel to my hating my middle name, Fire. And it just got worse. It just got worse, you guys. Throughout high school, throughout college, my symptoms amplified and... And don't get me wrong, there were definitely things that brought me joy. And that's something I wanna really be clear on is that emotions can coexist. Circumstances can coexist. I played soccer my whole life. I grew up playing soccer. Soccer was my first love. My God, if you saw me playing soccer on the weekends at my soccer tournaments, you would have never known. what I was going through at home, what I was going on in the inside, like if you took soccer away, like how I was really felt in my life. So, God, I loved soccer. You know, and theater and singing and petting my cats, like those things brought me joy, but they also brought me safety. If anything, they felt like safety more than joy. And I think that's also another important point to hit on as well is that we can feel joy more easily when we feel safe, whether it's in our bodies, whether it's in our home environment, whatever that is, safety allows for joy, true joy to come through. And you know, things really did change when I got into my twenties and it was my mid twenties when I discovered functional medicine and holistic health and nervous system work and how to have good nutrition and all of that good stuff. And I was able to reverse my symptoms and yes, that was amazing, right? Like I had those physical results, but really, really more than anything, it felt like I was rediscovering my identity. It felt like I was rediscovering my identity and feeling true joy, like true joy consistently for the first time in my life. And I kid you not actually accepting my middle name and not being angry when someone was like, what's your middle name? And I'm like, please don't ask me that. Not even getting that was my thoughts and going on and I don't need the surface, but. But it was like I lived most of my life up until that point. I think I was like 25 or 26. I'm 31 now, but it's like there was always this undercurrent going on beneath the surface of just anger and sadness. And you would never know that, honestly, if you weren't super, super close to me, because you're mean, you know, we're much better about it these days. But back then, we weren't talking about mental health. We weren't talking about what our home life was like, how these symptoms that we're experiencing, how they're impacting us on an emotional level. And we don't talk about that enough. Yes, we were like, we're bloated. We have acne and it sucks. We don't feel comfortable in our clothes. like emotionally, that's the nitty gritty stuff. That's the stuff we care about. just... want to feel good. You want to feel joy. And I'm really curious because, you know, there's people who are in my life now that have only known me as a wellness coach, as a health nut, as someone who's usually like upbeat and smiley and carefree, like who I am today. And sometimes I wonder if what they would think of past me. That it's such a silly thought to have, but truly I'd be lying if I said that hasn't crossed my mind before because I really do get a lot of comments ⁓ as an adult in my thirties about like, ⁓ you're always in like a good mood. Like you're always upbeat. You're always like, you're such good energy. I'm like, if you only knew, if you only knew, but I digress. yeah, reversing my symptoms and and improving my health on such a deep root cause level really allowed me to rediscover like who I really was, like who I am. And it was like meeting my true self for the first time. I know, I know that can sound a little corny, but that's like the best way I can describe it. And so I'll leave you with this. If you are somebody who you're like, I'm not a joyful person, I don't feel joy, like that's not something I resonate with. I really would be curious to ask and to know why. Like what is it that is taking away your joy in life? Is it your circumstances? Is it your bloating? Is it your IBS? Is it your acne? Is it your skin rashes? Is it your painful periods? Is it your hormonal issues? Is it your relationships? Is it where you live? Like what is it? that is taking away your joy. You don't have to tell me what it is, just some food for thought, because it doesn't have to just be one thing. For me, was a lot of things, and it took a really long time to dig through all of that and to process all of that and to work through it. And it's okay if it takes you time too. But thank you so much for tuning in to the Reform Tired Girls Club podcast and I will see you next week.