Latest / The FEEL Podcast: Women’s Empowerment, Emotional Wellness and Self-Leadership with Melissa Crook / Boundaries, Joy & Daily Intention: Kim Mosiman on Choosing Yourself Every Day

Transcript

Boundaries, Joy & Daily Intention: Kim Mosiman on Choosing Yourself Every Day · The FEEL Podcast: Women’s Empowerment, Emotional Wellness and Self-Leadership with Melissa Crook

• 0:01
  Hello, Welcome to the Field podcast.
• 0:03
  I'm your host, Melissa Crook, and I'm here today with your
• 0:07
  Ways to engage for our new episode, Boundaries, Joy and
• 0:11
  Daily Intention. Kim Moseman on choosing yourself
• 0:15
  every day. The ways to engage are as
• 0:17
  follows. Look at places you can carve out
• 0:21
  a bit of extra time, even if it's just five to 10 minutes in
• 0:25
  the morning or before bed. Do something you truly want to
• 0:29
  do or something you don't think you ever have the time to do.
• 0:34
  You are worthy of taking time for yourself and fulfilling your
• 0:38
  passions, and Jessica mentioned this in our blog this week.
• 0:42
  When you catch yourself scrolling and you're just kind
• 0:45
  of mindlessly scrolling, stop and take that time instead to do
• 0:50
  that thing you've been wanting to do, that walk around the
• 0:54
  block, to smell the roses, to be intentional calling that friend
• 0:58
  you haven't connected with in a while just quiet with no noise.
• 1:03
  Put your timer on and just sit and breathe.
• 1:06
  Whatever it is, whatever that thing is, start writing that
• 1:10
  blog you've been thinking about, whatever that thing is.
• 1:13
  Take that time for yourself this week.
• 1:16
  Thanks so much for being with us.
• 1:17
  We hope you enjoy this episode with our good Frank Kim Mosman.
• 1:37
  Hello and welcome to The Field podcast.
• 1:39
  Today I'm here with a friend that, you know, she and I met
• 1:43
  about eight or nine months ago now, but I feel like I've known
• 1:47
  her my whole life. Like Kim and I are in a similar
• 1:50
  season of life and there's just a lot of things happening that
• 1:54
  we can connect on. And she's been a really
• 1:57
  important part of our panel conversations over the last six
• 2:01
  months. So if you've been following
• 2:03
  those at all, you've met her there.
• 2:04
  But we're going to to hear her story today and really about her
• 2:10
  journey through the framework of our talking points.
• 2:13
  And I think it's going to even give you even more depth and
• 2:16
  understanding of how it is she shows up today these incredible
• 2:21
  resources that she has created for women, what she's learned
• 2:24
  out of her own story, the wisdom that she brings, the kindness,
• 2:28
  the empathy. I'm describing her.
• 2:30
  But I'll give that those are my descriptions for Kim Mosman.
• 2:34
  But she does describes herself as patient, open minded and
• 2:39
  optimistic, and she understands the nuance of the ability to
• 2:46
  feel multiple emotions at one time.
• 2:48
  She understands, she can feel, you know, distraught and
• 2:53
  thankful and gratitude and sadness all within a moment
• 2:58
  she's got and a life's worth of wisdom that have helped her
• 3:02
  acknowledge that and that I call it the layers piece.
• 3:05
  And she's got a really sound understanding of that.
• 3:07
  So I think you're going to love what she has to offer us today.
• 3:11
  Welcome Kim Mosman to the Field Podcast.
• 3:15
  Thanks. I'm so excited.
• 3:16
  We've had so many great conversations.
• 3:18
  I'm just excited to be one-on-one.
• 3:20
  I. Know, I know, I know.
• 3:21
  This is the first time I've gotten you one-on-one.
• 3:23
  We've done so many animals, so it's fun to have you one-on-one.
• 3:27
  All right, my friend, this is a big one right now.
• 3:30
  You got a lot of moving targets happening in your life.
• 3:33
  You just you spend part of the year in in Florida, you spend
• 3:37
  another part of the year in the Midwest.
• 3:38
  So you've made that transition this spring and just a lot of
• 3:42
  life happening right now. So talk to me about how to
• 3:46
  prioritize self-care in your life.
• 3:48
  This has been a journey for you throughout your life.
• 3:50
  You come from an industry that helps other people do this, but
• 3:55
  you had to learn a way to do this for yourself that was
• 3:59
  meaningful and impactful for you and knowing your value within
• 4:04
  that. So talk to me about that.
• 4:06
  Yeah, You know, I think it started, you know, my journey.
• 4:10
  But, yeah, when I was approaching 40, I reached that
• 4:14
  moment where, like, my kids don't need me anymore, my
• 4:17
  husband doesn't need me. I mean, you know what I mean?
• 4:20
  Yeah. And.
• 4:21
  And I had this great job and, and we made the decision to, to
• 4:28
  switch and I just felt crummy. I felt crummy about myself.
• 4:32
  And, and through exercise and new diet plan and everything, I
• 4:38
  discovered some passions I didn't know that I had.
• 4:40
  And we pushed that to the extreme.
• 4:42
  And I ended up opening a business, a small gym where I
• 4:48
  got to help other men and women find the good in them, you know,
• 4:52
  find their strengths, change their lives.
• 4:55
  You have, you have coaches, you know, in the, in the health and,
• 4:58
  and Wellness industry. And I just really felt like I
• 5:02
  had found my calling. And I have always been blessed
• 5:07
  with the opportunity to look at something that somebody else
• 5:11
  might consider ugly and find the good in it.
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  And a lot of people don't like who they are.
• 5:19
  And when they would come into the gym and they would work with
• 5:22
  me, you know, you walk in and you might think, oh, you know,
• 5:26
  look at this, look at this. I've let myself go.
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  But I can see your smile. I can see your eyes.
• 5:31
  I can see the muscle tone. I can see the improvement every
• 5:34
  day as we work together. And it was really an empowering
• 5:39
  point in my life where I identified what I was good at
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  and and what I was called to do. And what I was called to do is
• 5:51
  to be a coach, right? In whatever arena it is, whether
• 5:55
  it's health and Wellness or, or now I'm working with writers.
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  And yeah, it's like God blessed me with the ability to find the
• 6:04
  good in someone and to pull it out.
• 6:07
  Right. Yeah.
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  And the hard thing is, is, is trying to use it on yourself.
• 6:13
  We're we may be experts in whatever arena, but it's hard to
• 6:20
  find it. It's hard to use what you know
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  on yourself. Yeah, yeah.
• 6:28
  And that became the next part of the journey for you, you know,
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  and that. So in all of this care, you've
• 6:34
  learned that you've got to feel your own cup first and and many
• 6:40
  times for us that comes kind of the hard way.
• 6:42
  We get smacked a little bit with that.
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  I know why I did it. You think you're taking care of
• 6:47
  yourself and then you realize there's all these areas you're
• 6:49
  not addressing. So talk to me about what
• 6:51
  self-care looks like for you today.
• 6:55
  Today, this particular day, yeah, it means it means learning
• 7:03
  to prioritize myself in so many different ways.
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  Sometimes when I when I hear someone talk about self-care, it
• 7:13
  feels like bubble baths and massages.
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  And. And that's so not what it is at
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  this point in my life when I have grown children and
• 7:21
  grandchildren and aging parents. Self-care really, for me at this
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  point, means remembering to pause, remembering to pray,
• 7:32
  remembering to sleep, and some days remembering to eat it.
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  It's We can get so wrapped up in other people's problems when
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  we're in this middle stage of life that we forget to do the
• 7:46
  essentials, let alone the things that enhance our lives.
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  Yeah, I think you could, you know, such.
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  It's about those little things. Have I eaten?
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  Have I had enough water today? Have I taken in the fresh air?
• 8:00
  And so I have a question for you.
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  You have a beautiful spot that you spend the winter in and you
• 8:05
  get, you were taking these beautiful walks.
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  What do you do when you go home in this, you know, in the in the
• 8:12
  spring and summer? How do you feel that in the
• 8:15
  space you're and now, because that outside piece, that nature
• 8:18
  piece, that ocean piece is an integral part of your
• 8:21
  day-to-day. So how do you feel that in the
• 8:24
  Midwest where there's no ocean? I feel I I feel like I've been,
• 8:29
  I've been called out by my accountability Co chair.
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  What do I do? Well, I, I bundle up and I go
• 8:38
  for a walk. My walks aren't as I I really
• 8:41
  have to push myself, but but nature is amazing.
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  It's not. I'm so drawn to the ocean and to
• 8:49
  sunrise And I really, when I come back to Iowa at the end of
• 8:54
  March and everything's Gray, everything and still dead, It's,
• 8:59
  it's, it's hard, but I just keep, I throw my tennis and I
• 9:05
  put on a couple of layers and still walk and like this
• 9:09
  morning, we just had an incredible rainstorm last night.
• 9:13
  And so the air was clear. It was, it was clear and it was
• 9:17
  amazing, but somehow that rain, like everything popped and all
• 9:22
  of the buds are now blooms and it was the most incredible
• 9:26
  morning. So I have to remind myself that,
• 9:30
  that, that there is beauty in the little things too, in, in
• 9:37
  the green, in the flowers. Yeah.
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  In the neighbors that I haven't seen for three months.
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  So I I keep pushing. Yeah, yeah.
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  That's it. I I think that's a great point
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  though, is those taking you know, I live in Fresno, CA and
• 9:52
  lots of agriculture here. Sometimes the smells aren't
• 9:55
  great sometimes, but I live. In Iowa.
• 10:00
  We are like the fruit and nut capital of the world.
• 10:03
  There's also a lot of ranches, all those kinds of things.
• 10:06
  But every year it around this time in April, the orange trees,
• 10:11
  the orange blossoms come to life and it is the most intoxicating
• 10:19
  aroma. I I've lived all over the
• 10:21
  country in all kinds of different floral and fauna and
• 10:25
  it is just fabulous. And I really, it helps me to be
• 10:29
  mindful to I get real busy. I get recording, answering
• 10:32
  emails, guesting, preparing, planning, all these things.
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  And I'm like, step outside and take a smell, take it, take the
• 10:42
  air in because this you only get this a few weeks out of the year
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  and it's so magical. So it's such a good, you know,
• 10:48
  being able to end when the flowers blossom and the blooms.
• 10:52
  I mean, we were over visiting my sister-in-law last weekend on
• 10:56
  the coast, and we realized we'd never visited her in the spring.
• 11:00
  And we've always been. I don't know why I just never
• 11:03
  either summer or winter, never been in the spring.
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  And her backyard was just this eruption of color.
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  And so even just going outside and sitting there with our
• 11:13
  coffee in the morning and looking around at the color was
• 11:16
  just, yeah. So I think it's just a good idea
• 11:18
  of the presence and recognizing where you are.
• 11:20
  I lived in West, TX for four years.
• 11:22
  I had to really come to appreciate the beauty of the
• 11:25
  giant blue sky and sunsets because literally everything
• 11:29
  else was brown. So yeah, I had to really come to
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  appreciate that. And it was very powerful and and
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  impactful. So, yeah, finding those things
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  right where you are. Thank you for that.
• 11:40
  Yeah. Didn't mean to put you on the
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  carpet. Comes like, I don't know, it's
• 11:44
  freezing here. The spring ended.
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  But yeah. Right.
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  It's, but it's a good reflection of where I was.
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  I was in Florida where spring passed a couple months ago.
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  It was. Green and bright and
• 11:57
  fluorescent, right? You know, like the Florida
• 11:59
  flowers are just like. So bright.
• 12:02
  And as we moved through into Georgia and then into the
• 12:07
  Carolinas and Nashville, it was spring.
• 12:11
  So it was that pretty soft green and the purples that come, you
• 12:17
  know, and, and just the blossoms.
• 12:18
  And then as we crossed into Missouri, it was like barely
• 12:23
  green and then so much into Iowa and it was just, and we might
• 12:28
  have a. Few more snowstorms before we
• 12:31
  it. Snowed the day that we got home.
• 12:34
  It snowed. It only lasted for two hours,
• 12:36
  but it snowed. And I thought, OK, God, I got
• 12:39
  it. All Four Seasons in the matter
• 12:41
  of 24 hours. I got it.
• 12:43
  I'm good. I'm good.
• 12:44
  Yeah. Oh.
• 12:45
  My gosh, I know, I know. It's so funny when that happens,
• 12:48
  but you're like, yeah, it brings you back to that thing.
• 12:50
  Well, thank you for sharing those things because I think
• 12:52
  it's important you really point it out to just those little
• 12:55
  moments. Like I said earlier, drink your
• 12:57
  water, make sure you're eating, pay attention to that.
• 13:00
  If your body's, if you're feeling a little out of sorts,
• 13:02
  get up, stand around, walk around, you know, you know, move
• 13:05
  yourself out of especially when there's a lot happening.
• 13:08
  You have to. I sometimes I'll, if I know I'm
• 13:10
  in a really busy mode, I will set a timer to get up every
• 13:14
  hour. Yes.
• 13:15
  Isn't that a, because otherwise I'll just sink in and three
• 13:18
  hours later, I'm like, my neck's tight and everything's tense up
• 13:22
  and I haven't lifted my head. And so yeah, that.
• 13:26
  So yeah, remove that too, ladies, especially if you're at
• 13:29
  a desk all day or you're just really, you know, doing some,
• 13:32
  set that timer and take a few breaths, do some box reading,
• 13:36
  walk around your desk just to keep yourself moving.
• 13:38
  Make sure you've got some water, some food, all those things as
• 13:41
  basic pretendance. So I say self-care is
• 13:44
  healthcare. It really is.
• 13:46
  And I think that we really have, you know, start viewing it that
• 13:49
  way. All right, confidently setting
• 13:52
  boundaries again, you got a lot going on.
• 13:55
  So there's got to be some ways that you find time to protect
• 13:59
  time for you. And you have created some
• 14:02
  beautiful resources to do it. I I forgot to bring the journal
• 14:07
  over. It's over on my couch by my
• 14:10
  coffee cup. You have the most wonderful
• 14:14
  manual that I have utilized, but you also have your beautiful
• 14:18
  book that's a year old now. Oh my gosh.
• 14:23
  So congratulations on that. So you have these resources that
• 14:27
  talk about this, but talk to me about how this works for you
• 14:31
  personally. You realize this and you created
• 14:33
  those resources. So how is it that you came to an
• 14:36
  understanding of the necessity around these healthy boundaries
• 14:40
  around your time and spaces to pour into you and to track your
• 14:45
  own Wellness? I had to hit, I hit a bad place
• 14:52
  before I started taking care of my house.
• 14:54
  And then after I became the healthiest I've probably ever
• 14:57
  been as an adult, I made some decisions and closed my gym.
• 15:02
  And like I told you earlier, my kids were gone, my husband's
• 15:05
  still working. I didn't have a purpose.
• 15:08
  And I kind of hit this lumpy place again.
• 15:11
  Yeah, right where everything fell apart.
• 15:14
  I didn't feel good about myself. I didn't love myself.
• 15:17
  I didn't have a relationship with God.
• 15:19
  I I was avoiding social environments.
• 15:22
  I was avoiding exercise because it's all I've done for 10 years.
• 15:26
  Sure, I was eating crap because again, for 10 years I lived this
• 15:32
  life of what I now look back on is as my attempt at perfection.
• 15:38
  And that's where reflections of joy came from.
• 15:42
  It's like, you know, we visited a little bit before we started
• 15:46
  recording. And when someone writes a book
• 15:48
  called Reflections of Joy, I'm sure that there are people out
• 15:51
  there who think, oh, here we go, some Pollyanna little woman who
• 15:55
  thinks that life is perfect and you can find joy and everything
• 15:58
  and you can find good and everything and what blah, blah,
• 16:00
  blah, blah. And you know, I had to realize
• 16:07
  that perfection is never going to exist in this world.
• 16:11
  Yeah. And I am good no matter where I
• 16:17
  am. Our our mutual friend Rachel and
• 16:20
  I have a lot of conversations about it's not, it's not body
• 16:27
  positivity. It's not, it's not surrendering
• 16:31
  and waving the flag and saying I'm good as I am, right?
• 16:34
  Because to live a good life, I think that we constantly have to
• 16:38
  be trying to do better. Trying to love.
• 16:42
  Growing. Healthier, yeah.
• 16:44
  Right, yes, learning and all the things like like you should
• 16:48
  never reach a point in your life where you're just good.
• 16:50
  I'm good, I'm status quo, but but it's OK to love who you are.
• 16:56
  It's OK to to look in the mirror and be happy with yourself.
• 17:02
  And so many people don't do that.
• 17:07
  We live in a world that that expects perfection and we live
• 17:12
  in a world that wants things right now.
• 17:15
  And the health and Wellness industry is so guilty of of
• 17:21
  championing right now. We can get you there in 30 days.
• 17:27
  Yeah, the king gratification thing, right?
• 17:29
  Yeah. Yeah, And what what we don't
• 17:33
  realize, or what I didn't realize until I reached this
• 17:36
  age, is how important it is to be good where your feet are to
• 17:42
  be, to be proud of the accomplishments you've made and
• 17:46
  to still have goals to move forward.
• 17:51
  I just, I'm just a different woman than I was when I ran the
• 17:54
  gym. And I thought, everyone can do
• 17:56
  this. Anyone can do this.
• 17:58
  You know, you can do anything for 15 minutes.
• 18:01
  No, you can't. But, you know, No, you can't.
• 18:04
  But you can do something and you can strive to be better every
• 18:08
  day. And I try to live my life
• 18:12
  myself. Care revolves around trying to
• 18:15
  be a little better every day, you know, do something good for
• 18:21
  yourself. If, if I want to eat fast food
• 18:24
  for lunch, OK. I don't do it every day.
• 18:28
  I do it very rarely. Yeah, but it's OK.
• 18:31
  I've, I've given myself the permissions now that's where my
• 18:35
  self-care is, is in the permissions to just not beat
• 18:40
  myself up and to move, not beat myself up while I'm moving
• 18:44
  forward. You know what?
• 18:45
  I mean, right. Well, yeah, that appeals.
• 18:47
  I think you, you addressed the nuance of being, acknowledging
• 18:51
  and being good and content and also knowing that you want to
• 18:54
  keep moving and learning and growing in a healthy way to be
• 18:58
  the healthy. We all want to be the healthiest
• 19:00
  version. And you can do both.
• 19:02
  Like I think we used to think that if I, I used to be afraid
• 19:06
  or I think we came up with this idea that if I don't stay very
• 19:11
  disciplined and very focused and very hard on myself all the time
• 19:14
  that I'll fall off whatever Wellness wagon I'm on and I'll
• 19:18
  fail. We use like we moralize this
• 19:22
  journey rather than just acknowledging with empathy and
• 19:26
  nuance yes, I want to be the healthiest version of myself
• 19:30
  first for me because I know my value and also for all of those
• 19:33
  I'm in relationship and in contact with.
• 19:35
  I was created and I want to align with for things for
• 19:38
  certain things that are really strengths.
• 19:40
  I want to align with those. I want to feel in touch with
• 19:42
  those. And I also know some days are
• 19:45
  hard. Life is going to life and I, I,
• 19:48
  I'm also not going to it's something I, you know, I really
• 19:51
  struggled with for years and I still do is if I have that treat
• 19:55
  that I don't add feel like I've got to add 4000 more steps to my
• 19:59
  day and, and, and make up for and I've even tried to take out
• 20:06
  calling it a treat because a treat.
• 20:09
  Denotes that you did have to earn something instead of just
• 20:13
  living my life knowing, you know what I move my body every day.
• 20:17
  I'm mindful of getting enough protein and fiber and knowing
• 20:20
  the importance of that, all the things that it is in my life.
• 20:23
  I'm not afraid of fats. I'm also going to embrace the
• 20:27
  memories and enjoy the day and you know those kinds of things
• 20:32
  too. So so how do you in all that
• 20:34
  you've got going on? How do you create time for this?
• 20:36
  Because I think sometimes people, they hear the word
• 20:39
  boundaries and they think of like walling off things.
• 20:42
  And it's really just about creating time and space and
• 20:45
  spending it where you feel most aligned.
• 20:48
  And that starts with carving out time for you.
• 20:50
  What does that? How does that look for you?
• 20:54
  Right, if at all possible, I start every day with me.
• 21:00
  My days go better when I focus on myself from the moment I wake
• 21:03
  up. And you know, even though I
• 21:08
  don't have kids at home, I still have responsibilities to other
• 21:11
  people. So I can't just set my schedule
• 21:13
  in stone like you said, put up that wall and say, Nope, don't
• 21:16
  talk to me until this time. But every morning when I roll
• 21:21
  out of bed, I write. And I used to discipline myself,
• 21:28
  you know, and it has to be this many pages or I have to
• 21:31
  accomplish this thing. And now I just write.
• 21:33
  If there are some days where if I can get a sentence or two on
• 21:36
  the page, yeah, that's OK. Yeah.
• 21:39
  But within that, that beginning, I don't allow my phone to be
• 21:44
  present in that time. So I wake up, my phone stays on
• 21:49
  my dresser. I grab my journal and make a cup
• 21:51
  of coffee and I just try to empty myself.
• 21:56
  That's not possible for everyone.
• 21:58
  You know, I'm not working a job outside of the home.
• 22:00
  And I know that some people struggle with that, but I find
• 22:05
  when I give myself the 1st 15 to 45 minutes of every day that
• 22:11
  everything else falls into place so much better.
• 22:15
  The busyness, you know, and, and I think about the people that I
• 22:19
  know that, that try to meditate and I could never meditate
• 22:23
  because I would, I would wake up in the morning and I would read
• 22:27
  some scripture and I would try to meditate or pray.
• 22:31
  And all that was going on in my head was this ping pong ball or,
• 22:34
  or more not a ping pong ball, but more like a like a pinball
• 22:38
  machine, you know? I felt like, yeah, it was.
• 22:42
  Just like bouncing off of all the things that I had to do or
• 22:45
  think about or whatever and I could never focus on the task.
• 22:49
  And now that now that I dump the first time of the day, then I I
• 22:55
  come right behind it. And my true self-care is I set a
• 22:58
  timer. No matter how many words I
• 23:01
  write, no matter what I have to do, I give myself 10 minutes of
• 23:07
  silent time. And for me, I pray.
• 23:11
  There are times where I just sit in silence and I try to empty my
• 23:14
  brain and it's so much easier. One, with the timer running and
• 23:18
  two, if I've cleared the clutter right.
• 23:22
  Self-care for me really, truly isn't just prioritizing those 10
• 23:26
  minutes to be Kim. Yeah, yeah, I love that because
• 23:33
  I think it's it's, it's something that's doable and but
• 23:37
  I also love the timer piece because then you're not worried
• 23:41
  about oh gosh, you know, I can't go over.
• 23:43
  I can't do this. I can't do that and you would be
• 23:46
  surprised how much that 10 minutes says.
• 23:48
  I started incorporating 10 minutes of quiet.
• 23:51
  I don't get it. Every day, but most days.
• 23:53
  About 3 years ago because I like you, not a good meditator like
• 23:58
  just, but I found when I did the 10 minutes of quiet and I just
• 24:06
  assigned that everything naturally settled.
• 24:10
  I'll try. I go in a place that's I'm not
• 24:12
  going to get distracted or that's soothing to me.
• 24:15
  Depending on the time of year, that might be outside, outdoors
• 24:18
  listening to the birds that might be in my room.
• 24:23
  I've created some really like sanctuary, like space in our
• 24:27
  bedroom. It might, you know, so I'm
• 24:30
  finding that place that I know that's going to be a calming
• 24:33
  environment and man, it is amazing what that does for you.
• 24:38
  It just allows everything to settle.
• 24:41
  And then if we can go into the day like that, because so many
• 24:44
  times we rush around, rush around, we grab our phones 1st
• 24:48
  and we start the day up here on the hyperficial scale instead of
• 24:53
  starting at a level set. Like I'm refreshed, I've
• 24:55
  unloaded because I am an external processor too.
• 24:58
  So if I'm not journaling, sometimes I even do a verbal
• 25:01
  journal where I'll turn on my phone where there's so much to
• 25:04
  come out that I can't even get it in pen and paper aren't
• 25:08
  enough. And I'll just, and then I'll go
• 25:11
  back and listen to it and I'll write down the things that I
• 25:14
  feel like I need to sit with a little more.
• 25:16
  Or maybe it sometimes helps me know what I need from a
• 25:19
  self-care standpoint. Like, huh, OK, I need to be
• 25:23
  mindful of that today. Look at my calendar and like,
• 25:27
  whatever I have coming and where's my bandwidth at?
• 25:30
  Because I, I need to be, have that attention of knowing where
• 25:33
  my bandwidths at or does something need to be moved
• 25:36
  around in my schedule? I mean, I, I have the benefit
• 25:38
  of, of working for myself now so I can move things sometimes in a
• 25:44
  way that I couldn't, you know, a few years ago, but having the
• 25:48
  freedom to do that and not apologizing for it too, because
• 25:52
  it's like. That's the key.
• 25:55
  That's the hardest thing ever. It's it's and and we wouldn't be
• 26:04
  having this conversation if we weren't the kind of people who
• 26:07
  cared about other people, right, Yep.
• 26:10
  And and so it's so easy to get wrapped up in the I shoulds and
• 26:15
  the I coulds and this is what I'm scheduled to do.
• 26:18
  And, you know, I mean, like, it's hard for me to tell someone
• 26:24
  no or to send a text that says there's something going on in my
• 26:30
  life and I really need to reschedule with you.
• 26:34
  That kills me. But as we grow older, I think
• 26:40
  that's, that's one of the the greatest blessings of growing
• 26:43
  older for me is the realization that only I am going to care for
• 26:48
  me. And if I don't do these things,
• 26:55
  a lot of people suffer. And I'm, I'm not, I'm not, you
• 26:59
  know, I know there's probably a woman out there who's still got
• 27:03
  littles at home and, and all the things going on, right?
• 27:06
  And I don't have that. And so maybe they're thinking,
• 27:09
  what do you know? Your kids are grown, you're
• 27:11
  living in the house with your husband alone.
• 27:13
  You don't get it, right? I do get it because I still feel
• 27:19
  this as the kind of woman that I am in the caretaker that I am,
• 27:22
  in the empathetic coach that I strive to be.
• 27:28
  I still worry when I can't show up and perform.
• 27:33
  Yeah. And I think, I think in finding
• 27:36
  these self-care rituals, like you're saying, the 10 minutes
• 27:39
  of, of whether it's silence or speaking or writing or, or
• 27:45
  whatever that we do to put ourselves in that, that level
• 27:49
  place, that's the key to, to really living a life of joy When
• 27:58
  we reached this point. There's so many layers, like you
• 28:01
  said, who we are. But if you if that middle layer,
• 28:04
  if that is whatever the, the filling in the middle of the
• 28:10
  Oreo, if that is not perfect, nothing else works.
• 28:15
  Yeah. Yeah, it doesn't.
• 28:17
  It will. You know, that's just it.
• 28:18
  That's when the irritability comes out.
• 28:20
  And then we end up having to apologize later because we
• 28:23
  snapped, you know, snapped a loved one's head off or whatever
• 28:27
  it is, just didn't show up the way we would want to in that
• 28:30
  situation. And it goes back to taking those
• 28:32
  moments. So.
• 28:33
  So Mom is out there. We hear you because we've been
• 28:35
  there. We've had the littles at home in
• 28:37
  close approximation. And what I would tell you is,
• 28:40
  you know, talk if you have a partner, talk to your partner
• 28:43
  about I need 10 minutes either in the morning, in the evening,
• 28:47
  find, you know, for me already, I need 30 to 45.
• 28:50
  I got to go for a walk. I got to, you know, work that
• 28:53
  out or find a neighbor, somebody, you know, other moms
• 28:56
  are a great support for this too.
• 28:58
  But finding that time because I hear all the time from people, I
• 29:01
  don't have time. I'm like you do.
• 29:04
  I'm going to help you find it. I'm going to help you find it.
• 29:06
  I'm telling, I know with the feeling.
• 29:08
  I've been there too. You do.
• 29:10
  You just need some guidance and direction, and you're going to
• 29:12
  be surprised where you find it in those places that already
• 29:15
  exist. Yeah.
• 29:18
  Yeah. But knowing that, it goes back
• 29:21
  to knowing your own value and knowing that you are worthy of
• 29:25
  that time and you don't need to apologize for it and it impacts
• 29:28
  anyone. If you need help with that,
• 29:30
  think about how do you want people to remember their time
• 29:34
  with you and how you showed up with them?
• 29:37
  And that can really be a like, Oh yeah, OK, OK, I hear you.
• 29:42
  So thank you for that. All right, Taking care of our
• 29:46
  emotional health, mental health, physical health, spiritual
• 29:49
  health, this is a whole thing. You know, this is all part of
• 29:53
  your journey. So many things impact these
• 29:56
  pieces and parts of our health. So talk to me about those
• 30:00
  connections, about learning to see those connections and how
• 30:05
  you have cared for those as you've come to the realization
• 30:10
  of the impact that they have on each other.
• 30:18
  The biggest piece is prioritizing them like we were
• 30:20
  talking about just realizing how important they are.
• 30:24
  I think when we're when we're young, young mothers, young
• 30:28
  wives, young whatever young friends, our whole focus on
• 30:32
  someone else and it's only through trial and error and
• 30:42
  screwing up again and again and again that you reached this
• 30:44
  point almost too late. I feel like I.
• 30:48
  Feel, I know, I know. I seem, I've like go back to my
• 30:52
  daughter's now and I'm like, Oh my gosh, I would have known this
• 30:55
  15 years ago, right? Avoided a few bumps, but do
• 30:58
  better than I did, right? Right.
• 31:02
  Live in reverse if I could. You know, everything is so
• 31:07
  hinged on the other thing. Yeah.
• 31:09
  And we don't allow ourselves to connect the dots.
• 31:12
  So for me, when I was super busy, I let my spiritual life go
• 31:18
  because I just didn't have time. I didn't have time to pray.
• 31:21
  I didn't have time to sit and read my Bible.
• 31:23
  I didn't have time to go to church.
• 31:24
  You know, I was doing the things.
• 31:26
  Yeah. And.
• 31:27
  And my physical health, when I was busy chasing the kids, you
• 31:32
  know, I was sitting in a car waiting for the carpool when I
• 31:34
  could have been out walking where the kids were inside
• 31:36
  exercising. So I've tried to connect the
• 31:39
  dots and to bring my life into a realization that that these
• 31:45
  pieces of my house don't have to be separate.
• 31:49
  Yeah, they can all feed off of each other.
• 31:51
  They can feed off of each other and they can happen.
• 31:53
  Some happen simultaneously. So like for me, when I go for a
• 31:57
  walk in the morning, I don't put my earbuds in, I don't listen to
• 32:01
  podcasts, I don't listen to music, I don't listen to books
• 32:04
  on tape. It's not my thing.
• 32:05
  It's my time to devote my I'm exercising my body and I'm doing
• 32:12
  the good things for it. But that's my time with God and
• 32:15
  that's important to me. For someone else, it might be,
• 32:19
  you know, it might be brainstorming, it might be, it
• 32:24
  might be talk time for them, it might be learning time,
• 32:26
  whatever. But I put those two together
• 32:28
  every time I walk, I do so in silence.
• 32:34
  So, so I feel like I'm prioritizing my spiritual life
• 32:38
  when I'm taking care of my body, you know, spiritual, emotional.
• 32:43
  I, I used to think that I wasn't, it wasn't OK to honor my
• 32:51
  feelings. I had to.
• 32:53
  There's so many things that I left unspoken when I was younger
• 32:56
  because I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings.
• 32:58
  When in reality, if I were to take a step back and I were to
• 33:04
  process what I was feeling so that my conversation with you,
• 33:10
  you know, was started 11 level playing field.
• 33:15
  I'm not mad at you and you're not mad at me, whatever, but it.
• 33:17
  But if I would have honored time and been patient when I was
• 33:22
  younger and had the conversations, the hard
• 33:24
  conversations that I need to have at the appropriate moment.
• 33:28
  All of the grief and all of the hurt and all of the things that
• 33:32
  we could avoid. But but so many of us come out
• 33:37
  of people pleasing, parent pleasing childhoods, right where
• 33:46
  nice girls don't say that and we keep those things to ourselves
• 33:51
  and we don't want to cause trouble.
• 33:56
  Yeah, I, I just, I've tried to, I've tried to learn to be true
• 33:59
  to myself without being offensive to someone else.
• 34:03
  Does that make sense? It does.
• 34:04
  And I think there's a way to, there's a way to do that.
• 34:06
  And I think just comes from honest communication.
• 34:09
  I mean, I think we can be. And I think you hit it on the
• 34:12
  nose where you came up with this when we all got it.
• 34:16
  And whether it's it's in the culture, I mean, you don't.
• 34:21
  It's just narratives that you get as a little girls about
• 34:24
  don't be too loud, don't cause trouble, make sure everyone else
• 34:28
  is taken care of. Don't be the, you know, the
• 34:31
  square peg in the circle, you know, don't you know, don't be a
• 34:34
  disruptor. And then all of a sudden you get
• 34:37
  to a point in life where you're just like this stir, storing all
• 34:41
  of that and carrying all of that doesn't serve us anymore.
• 34:45
  And we realize that all these things are boiling up inside us.
• 34:48
  And I'm like, why do I feel so discontent?
• 34:50
  Why do I feel so angry? Why does that set me off?
• 34:54
  And you have to start unpacking all those unprocessed things.
• 34:58
  And the communication is such a key component of this because
• 35:03
  you can say a lot of things, a lot of ways.
• 35:05
  And if you store too many things up and they come exploding out,
• 35:10
  you might have communicated it, but boy, it doesn't come out
• 35:13
  pretty and it can cause even more trouble.
• 35:16
  Whereas if you just all right, this is going to be hard, but
• 35:20
  we've got to have this conversation because this, this
• 35:24
  is heavy on my mind. I care about this relationship.
• 35:27
  And also, you know, this is if I don't do something about this,
• 35:31
  it's going to inhibit me and possibly this relationship
• 35:35
  moving forward. No one, there's no like I'm
• 35:39
  learn, I'm learning in my 50s about emotional intelligence and
• 35:45
  we, when I need to say, OK, this conversation's gotten to a point
• 35:49
  where I need a timeout. I I'm feeling overstimulated.
• 35:53
  I need to take a step back. Can we come back to this
• 35:56
  tomorrow at noon or in 30 minutes or whatever?
• 35:59
  It is like learning to communicate that and say that,
• 36:03
  right? Because I mean, I will tell you,
• 36:05
  I know I in my family, there are some of the most passive
• 36:09
  aggressive individuals I've ever seen in my life.
• 36:12
  And it's all born out of this feeling like they can't say what
• 36:17
  needs to be said. And it just like drives me
• 36:21
  crazy. I will be like, say what you
• 36:23
  mean. I see through all of that.
• 36:26
  Just say what you mean. But it's, but I mean, we have to
• 36:30
  unlearn all of that. And, and I think too, just
• 36:34
  realizing the nuance, like I can feel multiple things at one time
• 36:39
  and they can all be true and none is more or less important
• 36:44
  than the other. And so it's OK.
• 36:47
  And when it feels overwhelming, I can write it down and I can
• 36:50
  figure out what do I have time to process right now?
• 36:53
  What do I need to make a note for and put a bookmark in for
• 36:57
  later? But but not feeling bad about it
• 37:01
  and, and, and getting curious. I've had to learn people hear me
• 37:05
  talk about this all the time, but it's been key for me get
• 37:07
  curious rather than judgmental about these things that are
• 37:11
  coming up and address them in the moment.
• 37:14
  Because folks, you're not going to like how they come out later
• 37:19
  if you. Don't, Right, Right.
• 37:22
  But so many people, Melissa, I mean, like, I feel like you were
• 37:25
  sitting on my shoulder as I was journaling this morning because
• 37:28
  so much of this is relative to my experience right now.
• 37:32
  But I feel like we live in such a world of negativity.
• 37:36
  And once a person finds that place.
• 37:39
  Yeah. Where they're mad, they they're
• 37:44
  stuck right? And that's the only emotion they
• 37:47
  allow themselves to live in. Yes, exactly.
• 37:51
  Exactly. And it's like, like in this,
• 37:55
  this place, I can be mad, but that that shouldn't ruin my
• 38:00
  whole day. You know, I can, I, I can, I can
• 38:03
  be with someone and receive a diagnosis, but that doesn't mean
• 38:07
  that we start planning the funeral.
• 38:09
  Right. There's, there's so many
• 38:13
  opportunities in life that if you, you know, I know people
• 38:19
  that are going through through periods of grief right now and
• 38:22
  they can't let it go. And so everything is shadowed by
• 38:25
  that grief. I can't live like that.
• 38:28
  And and I'm thankful that God made me.
• 38:31
  Sure. The the person that I am so that
• 38:34
  even when I'm just royally teed off, right, I'm going to walk
• 38:41
  outside and if my neighbor just mowed the grass, I can still
• 38:45
  like, yeah, OK, there's something to bring me back to
• 38:50
  me. Yeah.
• 38:51
  And and people. Yeah, I think we've lost the art
• 38:56
  form. We've we allow ourselves, you
• 38:59
  know, and I did that for many years.
• 39:00
  I and I think it comes from a disassociation piece.
• 39:03
  We don't like uncomfortable feelings, right?
• 39:07
  And so we find ways to deal with them that usually aren't very
• 39:11
  healthy, rather than just sitting with, you know what,
• 39:14
  this is really hard. I cannot stay at this space.
• 39:18
  This is not sustainable. It's not healthy for me.
• 39:21
  It's going to have other impacts and other parts of my life.
• 39:24
  So what do I need to do for me to help myself not push this
• 39:29
  away? I need to acknowledge it to
• 39:31
  create some spaces where I can move it through, find
• 39:36
  acknowledgement, find acceptance, make it and not, you
• 39:40
  know, when the tears come, the tears come, invite them, let
• 39:43
  them, but also be grateful that I can like you can be grateful.
• 39:48
  It's such a, it's such a it again.
• 39:50
  I, I've said this 1000 times, but the new ones, I can allow
• 39:54
  myself to be like, you know what?
• 39:55
  I'm grateful that I now have the freedom to just let these tears
• 40:00
  flow. And let this grief happen in me
• 40:03
  and sit with it. And also it it know that because
• 40:07
  of this grief means I love greatly and that had incredible
• 40:14
  impact on. Me.
• 40:16
  I think about how many times as a child that I heard the words.
• 40:21
  That's not anything to cry about.
• 40:24
  There's no reason like you know, and and.
• 40:26
  And as I said, what am I crying about?
• 40:28
  I don't know. Right.
• 40:30
  But but I'm, I'm here to tell you with yeah, within the last
• 40:35
  week, within the last week, I've heard those words, you know, and
• 40:38
  and said I have no control over my tears, nor should I try to
• 40:42
  control my tears. This is part of living.
• 40:46
  This is part of. Living.
• 40:48
  And yeah, I just finding that place where you can live
• 40:54
  unafraid to be who you are and what you feel is is incredible.
• 41:01
  And yeah. I think we spend a lot of time
• 41:06
  worrying about what other people's responses or reactions
• 41:10
  are going to be if they see us in that moment.
• 41:13
  And so because we don't want to make them uncomfortable, we will
• 41:16
  hold things back. And instead of just I've got,
• 41:20
  you know, because, yeah, I, I think we all heard that.
• 41:23
  I'm like, what's up? Why are you crying?
• 41:27
  No, I I'm not really sure right now, but it came to me and I'm
• 41:29
  gonna let it flow because I spent a lot of years holding
• 41:33
  back tears. And I think finally, my nervous
• 41:35
  system, my therapist and I have talked about it.
• 41:38
  You. She's like some of its hormones.
• 41:40
  Yeah. Yeah.
• 41:42
  But some of a lot of it is just feeling safe enough to release
• 41:46
  those things and let them go. And I don't apologize for those
• 41:52
  things anymore. And I'll, if I'm in a room where
• 41:55
  it might bring up some conversations I'm not ready for,
• 41:58
  I'll just walk in the other room and let it flow.
• 42:00
  But I no longer try to stop it because you have to be aware of
• 42:04
  your surroundings too. There are people that are in our
• 42:07
  lives that just aren't in the space and place.
• 42:09
  And it's easier sometimes just to walk out of the room and let
• 42:12
  yourself have the moment you need to have and then and then
• 42:15
  go back into space. And we have to be aware of that
• 42:18
  as well. But also say, you know, stop
• 42:20
  disassociating and then don't believe the idea that emotions
• 42:25
  are bad. Emotions are clues.
• 42:29
  If I'm those tears are coming right now, that's a clue.
• 42:31
  My body needs to release something.
• 42:33
  If I'm feeling angry right now, that's a clue.
• 42:36
  What am I angry about? What can I do about it?
• 42:38
  What things are in my control and what just needs?
• 42:41
  Maybe I just need to take a pillow and go bang against that
• 42:44
  brick wall for a while and release this from my body.
• 42:46
  I mean, what if it is but also leaving room for all of it, but
• 42:52
  not letting that one thing. And I was guilty of this for
• 42:55
  years. That one thing just ruined my
• 42:58
  day. And that's the emotion.
• 43:00
  And by God, watch out everybody, because that's where I'm at
• 43:03
  rather than yeah. And not allowing space for
• 43:06
  anything else. But it's, you know, it's you
• 43:09
  know, it's so much the media so driven by that snap.
• 43:13
  Next hot take instead of just the joy in the moment, like I
• 43:18
  really, I think all we have to really monitor who we surround
• 43:21
  ourselves with. How I mean, it was a lot of my
• 43:24
  healthy boundaries around who and what I surround myself with,
• 43:27
  how much time I allow certain information, news feeds, what I
• 43:32
  follow into my space and what is and what is beyond my capacity.
• 43:37
  My husband has a higher capacity for some of this intake right
• 43:40
  now than I do. If he's at once more capacity, I
• 43:43
  just go into the other room or I go for a walk outside.
• 43:45
  I don't ask him to stop doing what he's doing.
• 43:48
  And then if he asks me, where are you going?
• 43:49
  I'm like, I've I've reached my maxim outtake when you're done.
• 43:53
  Or if he's it's not that important to him and he wants me
• 43:55
  to stay in the room, then he'll turn it off and change
• 43:57
  something. But I'm able to, but I'm like, I
• 44:00
  have to find a place where I can live and stay level and stay
• 44:05
  focused and stay aware, stay present, not disassociate.
• 44:09
  But it takes, you know, and I think, you know, we can talk
• 44:12
  about this obviously forever. That's really where those
• 44:14
  healthy boundaries, mindfulness, emotional, mental, physical
• 44:18
  health, pay attention to your body, how you're feeling,
• 44:22
  where's your tension at? You know all those.
• 44:24
  Things well, and that's why I'm such a huge proponent of
• 44:28
  journaling. You know, you and I have talked.
• 44:31
  I mean my owner's manual when I I created that out of need for
• 44:38
  me. I write everyday, but but
• 44:40
  there's so often where like we go to the doctor or we go to our
• 44:45
  therapist or we go to our pastor and we're like, gosh, I just
• 44:50
  don't know what's going on. But I don't feel like me.
• 44:53
  I feel crummy. And then you go through this
• 44:56
  whole barrage of, well, when's the last time you did this?
• 44:58
  When's the last time you do that?
• 44:59
  And, and, you know, in the midst of life, we don't know those
• 45:02
  things. Right.
• 45:04
  And that's when I started writing down.
• 45:05
  I started writing everything down like, well, I was in
• 45:09
  perimenopause and my body was betraying me something fierce.
• 45:13
  And along with it came the emotions and, and all of the
• 45:18
  things, right? And I just felt so awful.
• 45:21
  And I just, I, I recorded everything.
• 45:24
  But, but we can't be afraid. I think you need knowledge about
• 45:32
  where you are and what's setting you off.
• 45:34
  And like, right now, I, I live a similar life.
• 45:36
  My husband can take in so much more than I can.
• 45:41
  And like when he sits down at the kitchen table and he says,
• 45:45
  hey, Alexa, turn on the news. I just like feel a shutter up my
• 45:50
  spine because I'm not there, right?
• 45:53
  I, I don't, I don't want to hear it and I don't care who's
• 45:56
  offering it. I don't want to hear it because
• 45:58
  because I'm not there in my day, right?
• 46:01
  I want to, I want to, I want to live the life I want to live
• 46:05
  without this influence that might mess it up.
• 46:09
  And so, so I, but there's a lot of times where it's not my
• 46:14
  right. I can't say to him, turn that
• 46:16
  off because yeah. So I go for a walk or I'll go in
• 46:20
  the other room and grab my earbuds, you know, and put on
• 46:24
  some music that cancels everything out.
• 46:26
  And then I'll write what I'm feeling.
• 46:30
  There's there's so many things that come out of this anxiety,
• 46:33
  depression, annoyance with your spouse, all the things, right.
• 46:39
  And some of it can just be tied back to acknowledging how you're
• 46:43
  feeling and working to set those things either aside for a little
• 46:48
  while or addressing them head on.
• 46:51
  Yeah, yeah, it. And it's a powerful tool.
• 46:54
  Mm. Hmm.
• 46:57
  It's such a powerful tool. And I love what you said too.
• 46:59
  Like, you know, when you go to the doctor and you've got that
• 47:02
  thing that's been nagging at you when you're writing down little
• 47:04
  things like writing down. OK, I noticed this triggers
• 47:07
  that. I know.
• 47:07
  And then you can go in and tell them this is the pattern I'm
• 47:10
  seeing rather than, I don't know, it's just been coming up.
• 47:14
  I can't remember, I don't know, track the write that down.
• 47:17
  Whatever that is, that headache, that stomach, that acid reflux,
• 47:21
  that pain in my knee. I mean, whatever it is, this
• 47:26
  anxiousness that comes up start. You know, that's something that
• 47:30
  really has served me too is like having a a record of.
• 47:34
  So I when I go to my appointments and I'm like, OK, I
• 47:37
  talked to you about this couple months ago.
• 47:38
  I've been keeping track of things, and I've noticed this
• 47:41
  food or this activity or this too much abyss, you know, news
• 47:45
  intake, not enough sleep, whatever it is, seems to be
• 47:47
  aggravating. And it helps them help you.
• 47:51
  So it's just, it's a powerful tool not only for yourself to
• 47:55
  know how to take care of you, but also your practitioners,
• 47:57
  too, whether it's your PCP, your therapist, your dentist,
• 48:01
  whatever it is, it's such a yeah, yeah.
• 48:04
  And staying present, you know, And instead of pushing away the
• 48:09
  uncomfortable things, sit with them, write about them.
• 48:12
  Let's try to find a pattern here.
• 48:14
  So we can not continue to carry that because it's all part of
• 48:17
  that. Again, that emotional, mental,
• 48:19
  physical, spiritual health piece.
• 48:22
  OK, All right. This leads nicely into how we
• 48:27
  can support ourselves and other women in living
• 48:30
  unapologetically. You do this.
• 48:32
  You do this so well and you do it in such a way that's
• 48:35
  authentic to you. At what point did you decide,
• 48:39
  and I know the answer to this, but our audience know the answer
• 48:42
  to this, At what point did you decide it was time for these
• 48:47
  resources to not only be of service to you, but like I can
• 48:50
  support other people with these resources too, through my work,
• 48:55
  through reflection. I mean, you did it for years
• 48:57
  when you had your gym, but then you had to discover new ways of
• 49:00
  doing that and you really learned the importance.
• 49:03
  You mean I, I always introduce y'all by your character traits
• 49:08
  rather than by what you do. You came to understand that I
• 49:12
  need to find out who I am as a person and not by these roles
• 49:17
  and these responsibilities that I've inhabited.
• 49:20
  And reflections of joy, I feel like really helped you get in
• 49:24
  touch with that. And I want to go back.
• 49:26
  That reflections piece, I think is such an important part of the
• 49:30
  title because that's what it is. It is a reflection.
• 49:33
  It is not a toxic positivity, never acknowledge the hard
• 49:39
  things. It is a reflections of where we
• 49:42
  can find joy in the simple everyday moments where we can
• 49:47
  find joy and contentment in the storms that life brings us.
• 49:51
  And then through that, through this writing process and getting
• 49:55
  in touch in this way, you were also to create this wonderful
• 49:57
  owner's manual. But what led you to to that next
• 50:01
  step of like, I think this is how I can show up for people.
• 50:06
  I was having a lot of conversations.
• 50:09
  It started in the gym and the realization that how many of us
• 50:14
  as women just don't like who we've become because we're
• 50:19
  different. We feel betrayed by our bodies,
• 50:21
  we feel betrayed by our hormones.
• 50:23
  We feel betrayed by our families because they don't just
• 50:27
  understand what we need. All the things.
• 50:30
  And when I ran the gym and I was working with people, I was
• 50:36
  really at the height of my health and my fitness and body
• 50:42
  image. You know, I mean, everything was
• 50:44
  spot on. And I'm 40 years old and
• 50:47
  perimenopausal. And I mean, like, like,
• 50:50
  premenopausal. Yeah.
• 50:52
  It hadn't started yet. And so like, I'm at what I
• 50:56
  consider to be the moment in time where everything was
• 51:03
  clicking on all cylinders, right?
• 51:06
  And, and a God gave me the opportunity to interact with
• 51:11
  women who were genetically different than I was, you know,
• 51:16
  maybe younger, but but had not been given the same makeup as
• 51:21
  me. They struggled to lose weight or
• 51:24
  struggled to do things. Older women who were having
• 51:26
  hormonal issues, and it just really brought me to a place
• 51:30
  where I realized how much we need to find within ourselves
• 51:37
  the goodness. And we don't, we don't see it,
• 51:42
  but it's there every day. I didn't see it in myself then,
• 51:46
  right? I mean, I just exercised hard
• 51:48
  and ate perfectly in my own mind and it worked.
• 51:53
  It worked, but then I reached that point where my hormones
• 51:57
  were betraying me and I was sick of work.
• 52:01
  And so I didn't stick around to exercise.
• 52:03
  And I, I still ate the way I was supposed to because I was afraid
• 52:08
  to buy bad groceries because somebody might see me.
• 52:10
  But I was still having a couple glasses of wine at night.
• 52:13
  And you know, I mean like all the things and it all compounded
• 52:17
  and my life, I, I reached that point where I too looked in the
• 52:22
  mirror and I didn't love who I saw.
• 52:24
  And I woke up and my body ached and I felt betrayed and just all
• 52:28
  the things. Yeah.
• 52:31
  And I really hit a low point after I closed the gym and and
• 52:37
  you know, my husband wasn't home during the day.
• 52:38
  My boys were at college or off living their own lives.
• 52:41
  And I had no purpose and I could have chosen to just throw the
• 52:48
  towel in and continue down a road, a bad Rd. or get it out.
• 52:57
  And I'm a get it out kind of person.
• 52:59
  My husband will tell you that I could argue until the sun goes
• 53:02
  down. But but, but rather than argue
• 53:07
  or or, you know, make every anyone else's life
• 53:09
  uncomfortable, I wrote, I wrote and wrote and wrote and wrote.
• 53:13
  And one day I turned that page right.
• 53:15
  And at the top of the page it said, you were all together
• 53:18
  wonderful. My, my love, there is no fly in
• 53:20
  you from the Song of Solomon. And it was the right words
• 53:25
  printed on the right page that hit me on the right day because
• 53:28
  I listened to it. And it's not like I had a
• 53:31
  Hallelujah I'm safe moment. Yeah.
• 53:35
  But I had a moment where it caught my breath and I thought,
• 53:39
  Oh my God, look at look at what you're doing to yourself.
• 53:45
  And you have become everyone who counted on you and everyone who
• 53:51
  trusted you to love them and to find the good in them, right?
• 53:54
  I became that person who needed someone to say, hey, look, this
• 54:00
  is OK, and you can start again and you can do your thing.
• 54:04
  And it's been a continuous journey since then.
• 54:10
  But as I talk to my girlfriends and as I talk to people on
• 54:13
  podcasts and I say, as I've met, as my my circle has grown, right
• 54:19
  when I thought I was going to be all by myself again because the
• 54:21
  gym was gone, the kids were gone, everything's gone, I start
• 54:24
  expanding that. So many of us feel that way.
• 54:28
  And so many of us just need a friend to say, hey, stop.
• 54:35
  You know, your gut maybe mushy, but you got great legs.
• 54:41
  You, you, you know, I mean like that, that one person, you know
• 54:45
  how good you feel when you're walking down the street and
• 54:47
  somebody looks at you and and says, wow, you look amazing
• 54:52
  today. Everybody needs that girlfriend.
• 54:55
  And I tried to be that girlfriend in the book.
• 54:56
  And I tried to just say, hey, I get it.
• 55:02
  I know you feel overweight, but look at what you can do.
• 55:05
  I know that this is out of whack, but look at, you know,
• 55:08
  try this. I feel like we, we always need
• 55:13
  that girlfriend. And when we're young, we're all
• 55:16
  in competition. When we're in our motherhood
• 55:19
  years or whatever our middle years, we're all just so busy.
• 55:23
  We don't take the time. And then we reached this point
• 55:28
  and our careers are changing, and then our whole purpose is
• 55:31
  flushed. And because everybody else has
• 55:33
  moved on. And what are we left with except
• 55:36
  everything we don't like about ourselves.
• 55:38
  Yeah. And in in in the midst of
• 55:41
  everything we don't like about ourselves, there is so much
• 55:43
  good. And so time and time again, I
• 55:46
  say, and we've talked about this, I don't know, maybe 100
• 55:49
  times that you and I have met together.
• 55:54
  Find the good, find the one thing.
• 55:56
  And if you can't find the thing, you should, you should look at
• 55:59
  your very best friend and you should say, what do you like
• 56:04
  about me? Because there's something that
• 56:07
  you're not finding in yourself. Yeah, yeah.
• 56:11
  And and that's. That was the whole spark.
• 56:13
  It was the whole spark. It's like we're making it too
• 56:17
  hard. It's not this hard.
• 56:20
  Move your body, eat good food, have good friends, pray or or
• 56:24
  have quiet time. If you don't believe, you know,
• 56:27
  drink water, get sleep, just learn new things.
• 56:31
  Just keep going. And keep going.
• 56:36
  Just keep going. Yeah, yeah.
• 56:39
  Don't throw in the towel. Keep going because so too many
• 56:41
  times we see people lose hope and throw in the towel and and
• 56:46
  it's like that's why we do what we do.
• 56:48
  You and I are both motivated. We show up in in our own ways,
• 56:52
  but we're both motivated. Like we've got some tools here
• 56:56
  and you can live the healthiest, most authentic life you were
• 56:59
  created for. And that can start now.
• 57:02
  And it doesn't matter if you're 22 or 82, wherever or anywhere
• 57:08
  in between. Let's, let's do that.
• 57:11
  Let's find that. Let's, let's live in that
• 57:13
  moment. Let's be present with these days
• 57:15
  we have, let's see the value that we were created with and,
• 57:20
  and, and get our lives in alignment with that and with
• 57:23
  people who see that in us. But sometimes you just, you just
• 57:28
  need that little nudge, that little spark, that little thing.
• 57:31
  And, and you've talked about this before too.
• 57:33
  And I, I and think about, OK, if you wouldn't say it to your
• 57:37
  girlfriend, to your daughter, to your best friend, you know, to
• 57:40
  your Co worker, then you ought not be saying it to yourself.
• 57:44
  And that can be a really like daunting like, oh, okay, I, I
• 57:49
  need to really mind my chatter, you know, my inner chatter and,
• 57:53
  and, and the framework in which I'm seeing myself through you
• 57:57
  also now too. Not only do you have these books
• 58:00
  in this journal, but you're now through your writing, have found
• 58:03
  that you can help other writers too.
• 58:05
  So you continue to grow and evolve and learn about yourself
• 58:10
  and find these new exciting ways that you can show up in your
• 58:15
  life and show up for people that it's in line with your soul and
• 58:18
  also as a service to others. And I think that's such a, you
• 58:22
  know, beautiful example of, I think for both, you know, we've
• 58:25
  had these other moments throughout our lives, but now
• 58:28
  we're in this new creative space that I would have never imagined
• 58:32
  I'd be in 10-15 years ago. But here I am.
• 58:35
  I mean, really living my most authentic life.
• 58:38
  It's, it's not easy. Life keeps lifing, like I say,
• 58:42
  but I've got these resources, Amy's framework and these suits
• 58:45
  and so do you. And that's, and I think that's
• 58:47
  what draws us to each other. And then when you have that and
• 58:51
  you know, it's possible, you're like, come on, ladies, we let's
• 58:55
  do this. You, you can do this too.
• 58:58
  This is, this is possible for you.
• 59:00
  And so I think that's just such the motivation too.
• 59:04
  I know. And I just keep telling people
• 59:06
  just keep, just keep doing. Just keep warning, check out,
• 59:10
  think of all the people that you know today that there's no
• 59:13
  reason you have no reason to know them except you've started
• 59:18
  this, you know, a podcast or or the network.
• 59:23
  The same for me. You know, I met these amazing
• 59:25
  people in my writing cohort and now every month I meet new
• 59:30
  people, new people. I have some of the best friends
• 59:33
  and the some of the most incredible women that I now can
• 59:37
  call friend. And there's no reason why I
• 59:40
  should know them. I mean, you and I have never
• 59:42
  stood side by side anywhere to have a conversation.
• 59:46
  And yet that we have this connection and the world is the
• 59:53
  world is has gotten smaller. And that can be a scary thing,
• 59:58
  but it can also be so good. We're at a stage where if you
• 1:00:03
  don't have to go to a nine to five.
• 1:00:07
  You know, I could either sit upstairs and read books and
• 1:00:09
  drink wine all day or else I could be meeting exciting new
• 1:00:12
  people and, and, you know, providing for my family and
• 1:00:17
  growing as a person. Yeah, it's just amazing.
• 1:00:21
  It really is. It really is.
• 1:00:22
  And I think it's just seeing yourself in it, seeing the value
• 1:00:25
  in yourself to want to invest in that.
• 1:00:29
  But also again, going back to like, you know, not just about
• 1:00:31
  investing in yourself, but also how investing in those
• 1:00:34
  relationships and how you want, how do, what do you want your
• 1:00:37
  life to look like? I think sometimes we get busy
• 1:00:41
  and we stop being able to see the choice that we have within
• 1:00:44
  our lives. And it's so getting back to like
• 1:00:47
  where we see the choices is so important too, which this goes
• 1:00:50
  nicely into the importance of coming back to your why and your
• 1:00:56
  values and everything you do. You know that you found out
• 1:01:00
  early, not, I mean, early ish. I, I consider, I consider 30s
• 1:01:05
  and 40 early now that I'm 55. I mean, you recognize within
• 1:01:10
  yourself that coaching piece and that can show up in so many
• 1:01:14
  different ways. And so that has stayed core, a
• 1:01:18
  core part of your why and your values in aligning your life
• 1:01:21
  with the things you do. Next, talk to me about your
• 1:01:25
  journey to discovering that piece of yourself and how that's
• 1:01:29
  helped inform you since you've been able to really, really
• 1:01:33
  identify that. I just shared my conversation
• 1:01:38
  with someone who I'm working with to launch your book right
• 1:01:41
  now. And she is big about she's,
• 1:01:44
  she's releasing a book about identifying where God is in your
• 1:01:49
  story along the way. And I sat in her podcast and we
• 1:01:53
  talked a little bit and she always starts at the beginning.
• 1:01:56
  And where did you discover who you were and what you were
• 1:01:58
  called to do? Right?
• 1:02:00
  And I had never thought about it this way, but but I always
• 1:02:05
  wanted to be a mom. And I was, I became a mom early
• 1:02:10
  and my first son was born just a year after my first anniversary.
• 1:02:13
  And I was 21 and you know, that's like, that's like maximum
• 1:02:21
  coaching, right? Once you have a kid.
• 1:02:24
  And but, but it, it's, you know, it's not until we look back on
• 1:02:28
  it when we realized what our skill set was.
• 1:02:30
  But you know, like when I when then as I worked, I managed in
• 1:02:35
  restaurants and I ran the gym and I did all the things and I
• 1:02:40
  just think all along I've always been able to see the best in a
• 1:02:44
  person and try to pull the best from each person.
• 1:02:48
  I'm a team worker. I don't like top down
• 1:02:51
  management. I suppose servant later would
• 1:02:53
  be. And yeah, it's I think it's just
• 1:03:00
  been there all along, but it didn't smack me in the face
• 1:03:03
  until I was in my 50s. And even even that, even the
• 1:03:07
  gym, that was just me wanting to be healthy, wanting me to do
• 1:03:11
  something. Sure.
• 1:03:12
  Frankly, wanting to wear cute tennis shoes and work out with
• 1:03:17
  people all day long. Right.
• 1:03:18
  Yeah. I mean, like, it was.
• 1:03:21
  It was like I had always worked at this.
• 1:03:23
  This intentional job where I had to get up, get dressed, go to
• 1:03:28
  work, do the thing, clock out and the gym felt like freedom
• 1:03:32
  because it was just it was working out, it was having fun,
• 1:03:35
  it was good music, it was good people.
• 1:03:37
  It was it was work. It was from 3:30 in the morning
• 1:03:40
  until 7 O clock at night. But it but it it felt like fun.
• 1:03:45
  Yeah. Energized you, but then yeah.
• 1:03:49
  But then, you know, on the backside is I look and and as I
• 1:03:52
  really start focusing on what is it that you want to do with the
• 1:03:57
  rest of your life? The answer's been there all
• 1:04:01
  along. You know, I think once we find
• 1:04:06
  the quiet time and we can sit with ourselves and not only say
• 1:04:09
  what am I good at, but what brings me joy and how can I make
• 1:04:14
  that a part of what I do every day.
• 1:04:16
  Yeah. There is nothing more incredible
• 1:04:19
  than whether, whether you're face to face with a person or
• 1:04:22
  whether you're sitting across the Zoom screen listening to
• 1:04:27
  someone and, and seeing the light bulb go off when they
• 1:04:32
  realize that they've held the answer to their situation or
• 1:04:37
  their problem or their joy or their life all along.
• 1:04:43
  Yeah, I think, I think it's always been there, but I don't
• 1:04:46
  think that it hit until late in life.
• 1:04:48
  And yeah, I'm thankful that it did.
• 1:04:51
  I, I have a choice everyday whether or not I want to work in
• 1:04:54
  that. I know that that's that's a true
• 1:04:59
  blessing because there are a lot of people who don't have that.
• 1:05:02
  Choice. Yeah, sure.
• 1:05:05
  But once you figure out what what you're good at and what
• 1:05:09
  what you not only what you're good at, but what you enjoy, it
• 1:05:13
  makes all the difference. I think so.
• 1:05:15
  I think I'm glad you made that distinction because I think
• 1:05:17
  there's a lot of things people are good at, but they maybe they
• 1:05:19
  don't find the joy in. And so I, you know, and I love
• 1:05:23
  this week and I love talking to women about this now.
• 1:05:25
  And I work with a group of college students here at Fresno
• 1:05:29
  State. And in my my, the biggest joy I
• 1:05:32
  get is giving them this framework.
• 1:05:34
  Now, ask yourself these questions now.
• 1:05:38
  Don't wait to till you bump into something later that kind of
• 1:05:42
  forces it out of you or you hit some kind of life crises or
• 1:05:47
  real, you know, point where you're just like, I don't know
• 1:05:51
  where I am. It's like, take this framework
• 1:05:53
  now. Ask yourself these questions.
• 1:05:56
  Pay attention to when things start feeling out of sorts so
• 1:05:59
  you can go back and revisit that.
• 1:06:02
  Where am I out of alignment? What's shifted?
• 1:06:04
  Because also you and I have been through, you know, different
• 1:06:07
  seasons and different spaces already.
• 1:06:10
  So these things are going to change over time.
• 1:06:13
  But if we know what that core thing is, we can find our way
• 1:06:16
  back home and meet it where we are in that season.
• 1:06:20
  But I love like, let's get you this framework now so that you
• 1:06:24
  have it in front of you and you're going to get up.
• 1:06:27
  Listen, you're going to get off track.
• 1:06:28
  Life's going to get busy, it's going to get hectic.
• 1:06:31
  But you taking that time to sit with yourself, those quiet
• 1:06:33
  moments, like you said, allowing yourself space for things to
• 1:06:37
  come up for you so that you can address it.
• 1:06:41
  But also, if you're listening and you're, you know, 40506070
• 1:06:46
  sit with yourself now start asking your, you know, sit with
• 1:06:49
  yourself now getting those things in alignment.
• 1:06:52
  Start with those activities that nourish you.
• 1:06:55
  Start with how you want to feel the next six months.
• 1:06:59
  Think identify those character traits in you and and use that
• 1:07:03
  as a a kick off point to get honed in on.
• 1:07:09
  OK, now that I know these things about myself, I can make sure my
• 1:07:13
  why, my values, my expectations, my boundaries, myself care how I
• 1:07:17
  communicate this to people is all in tune with each other.
• 1:07:21
  That is just allowing ourselves space to put the pieces
• 1:07:24
  together. Yep.
• 1:07:26
  And if you're young and you're sitting there and you're
• 1:07:29
  thinking this is unrealistic for me, you know, put yourself in
• 1:07:32
  the position, you know, like you said, put all the pieces of the
• 1:07:36
  pie in place in yourself, right? Good care, good.
• 1:07:40
  Keep learning, keep growing, keep your ears open and and
• 1:07:45
  create relationships with people where the opportunity might come
• 1:07:50
  sooner rather than later. I remember being 20 with, with
• 1:07:55
  little kids and strapped to a mortgage payment and I had to
• 1:07:59
  keep my job. I didn't have the luxury to just
• 1:08:02
  like decide, Oh, I don't want to do this anymore, right?
• 1:08:05
  But but if you if you stay in touch and you stay in groups and
• 1:08:10
  you keep good community of women, whether it's a book club
• 1:08:14
  or you know, friends at your current job or a church group or
• 1:08:19
  where you work out, whatever it is, but I just keep moving
• 1:08:23
  towards what your dream is it. It can't always happen today,
• 1:08:30
  but it it can surely happen. Right and.
• 1:08:35
  But but if you're not looking for it and you're not prepared
• 1:08:37
  for it when it comes, yeah, it's never going to happen.
• 1:08:41
  Yeah, yeah, absolutely. I love that and and boy, that
• 1:08:46
  girlfriends piece, I tell you that is such an important,
• 1:08:49
  integral piece of keeping those things intact and having those
• 1:08:54
  core people that you can pour into, that can pour into you,
• 1:08:58
  that keep you accountable. I mean, all of and it just, you
• 1:09:01
  know, if they're just on the journey with you that are there
• 1:09:04
  to help remind you when you forget, that's such a powerful
• 1:09:07
  piece. And so many times when we get
• 1:09:09
  busy with the job and the kids and the partner in the home, we
• 1:09:12
  sometimes those are the first things to go.
• 1:09:15
  And some of my most, you know, some of the women I know that
• 1:09:18
  are the most content, they have a very powerful group of women
• 1:09:23
  that continue to be. And that doesn't mean they don't
• 1:09:25
  their life does not throw them curveballs, not at all.
• 1:09:28
  But they've got that force around them and with them to
• 1:09:33
  support them through it. That's I'm so glad you brought
• 1:09:35
  that up. Thank you so much for that.
• 1:09:37
  All right, this is, we've talked about this before and you know,
• 1:09:40
  we both have grown children now and it, it's a different, you
• 1:09:45
  have to adjust to being a parent to grown adults and in learning
• 1:09:51
  and figuring out how you, we need each other in different
• 1:09:55
  ways. And so that, and it's just, and,
• 1:09:58
  and also realizing that just like they were different kids
• 1:10:02
  and they, you didn't have, you didn't parent them exactly the
• 1:10:05
  same way as kids. You also had to figure that have
• 1:10:07
  to figure that out as they're adults and if they have partners
• 1:10:11
  and if they marry, I mean, all these things come into play.
• 1:10:14
  But I don't think we, we talk a lot about raising the kids, but
• 1:10:16
  we have to talk a lot about, Oh yeah, there's that whole after
• 1:10:20
  thing too. And, and we're also, we're part
• 1:10:22
  of this sandwich generation where we've got the kids, the
• 1:10:26
  grandkids, but we also have aging parents.
• 1:10:28
  I mean, I just, you know, my husband and I went through it
• 1:10:32
  with his parents a few years ago where we had a space and time
• 1:10:36
  from about 20/17/18 to 2023 where we were just in the thick
• 1:10:42
  of it with his mom and dad. And in 2023, we lost both of
• 1:10:46
  them in a 5 month period. And the one we expected and the
• 1:10:50
  other one we did not. And but within all that, we're
• 1:10:53
  still managing all the other things, our lives, our jobs,
• 1:10:56
  growing kids and trying to find space to breathe within all of
• 1:11:02
  that. And this is where I found the,
• 1:11:04
  the, the living out of our own expectations piece became very,
• 1:11:09
  very important that we continue. I, I, I just had a, you know, a
• 1:11:13
  conversation with my oldest daughter a couple weeks ago
• 1:11:16
  where I, we had offered to donate to her nonprofit and she
• 1:11:22
  came back and said, you know what, I appreciate the heart of
• 1:11:26
  that. Would it be, does it work for
• 1:11:28
  you if that money goes here and supports me in a different way?
• 1:11:33
  Or do you feel really like you need the write off and you're
• 1:11:36
  really like, can we talk about my expectations of how you show
• 1:11:40
  up to support me versus what you think might be supportive?
• 1:11:43
  I'm like, yes, absolutely. And we're figuring and we talked
• 1:11:47
  about we lacked about the fact that we're starting to figure
• 1:11:49
  out those conversations and instead of just assuming, oh,
• 1:11:53
  she'll like this, this will be helpful having a conversation
• 1:11:56
  about about that. Even as we spend holidays
• 1:11:59
  together. OK, how much time with all of us
• 1:12:02
  in one space together and all of our partners is enough time, too
• 1:12:05
  much time. We've got a we've got
• 1:12:07
  extroverts, we've got introverts, we've got a lot of
• 1:12:10
  Virgos in our family. How much can we all you know,
• 1:12:16
  and having those, you know, bit I have found that that became
• 1:12:20
  when we were managing my in laws care, most of us lived far away.
• 1:12:25
  So there was a ton of communication that was necessary
• 1:12:28
  about expectations of rotating calendar as on who would show up
• 1:12:33
  how. And so many times we don't
• 1:12:36
  communicate expectations or we live according to what we think
• 1:12:40
  others expect of us and we find ourselves frustrated and
• 1:12:43
  irritated. And why can't they read my mind
• 1:12:46
  or why are you know? And so we've had to kind of.
• 1:12:49
  So talk to me about setting all that up for you, your
• 1:12:53
  expectations journey, and how that's evolved for you.
• 1:12:59
  I'm in the midst of this, so it's a, it's a great question.
• 1:13:06
  My expectation was always that life would be the same for me as
• 1:13:10
  it was for my mom. You know, like for my not just
• 1:13:15
  my mom, but like, like my elders and I expected I had an
• 1:13:23
  incredible relationship with my grandparents.
• 1:13:26
  And so I expected once I became a grandparent, you know, I mean,
• 1:13:30
  like, like everything would be the same.
• 1:13:33
  And then I think we, we tried to become the good things that we
• 1:13:39
  see as we're growing up, Right. So right.
• 1:13:42
  I, I am, I live near my grandparents.
• 1:13:46
  I live near my aunts and uncles. Everything we did, every
• 1:13:48
  holiday, all the whole family was together, right.
• 1:13:50
  And it was mom's family one, yeah, one day and the next day
• 1:13:53
  was Dad's family. And then even even after my
• 1:13:57
  grandparents passed, it stayed that way.
• 1:14:00
  And my parents have five children.
• 1:14:02
  We all live within 30 minutes of one another.
• 1:14:05
  So you gather right and you gather your children and
• 1:14:09
  whatever. And now I'm living in in this
• 1:14:13
  different place. My expectations were that I
• 1:14:16
  would always be surrounded and I would always have a house full
• 1:14:21
  and I would do all of the things.
• 1:14:24
  And I have a son who lives 23 hour drive for me, you know,
• 1:14:28
  and, and they work jobs that don't just allow them to drop
• 1:14:34
  everything and come back home for the holidays.
• 1:14:40
  It's been, it's been difficult because I go from having
• 1:14:45
  expectations to them feeling guilty because I'm putting
• 1:14:48
  pressures on these other people in my life.
• 1:14:52
  And then when I quit pressuring them, then then I sit and I
• 1:14:55
  swallow this anger because nobody gets what I need from
• 1:14:59
  them, right? And so you can just, you can
• 1:15:02
  just turn into this smoldering ball of yuck and no one wants to
• 1:15:07
  be around you in the 1st place because you're trying to control
• 1:15:09
  everything and you're just not nice to be with when they
• 1:15:11
  finally give you what they want or what you want.
• 1:15:14
  And, and it's, it's just the hardest thing.
• 1:15:18
  I sat and cried the very first time that I celebrated Christmas
• 1:15:22
  and I didn't have my boys with me.
• 1:15:26
  But my boys are married and they have wives who want to be with
• 1:15:29
  their family, too. And I can't have everything.
• 1:15:33
  And so I have reached this lovely place with my husband
• 1:15:40
  where where I'm content to be with my people when my people
• 1:15:47
  can be with me. And I just have had to let go of
• 1:15:53
  expectations that. Yeah, it's all going to be.
• 1:16:02
  It's a wonderful life or, you know, I mean, like the Christmas
• 1:16:05
  that I grew up with or the Easter I grew up with and all
• 1:16:08
  the things. And so I tried to find joy in
• 1:16:13
  the moments when we can all be together.
• 1:16:16
  Spring, You know, we were in Florida and one son lives in
• 1:16:19
  Florida and the others came down for spring break.
• 1:16:23
  It was the first time we had been all together for a year.
• 1:16:27
  It's in the middle of March. And on the restaurant in
• 1:16:31
  Florida, it's OK because I had all of my people around the
• 1:16:35
  table and we laughed and we had a good time.
• 1:16:38
  And do I care if there was a Christmas tree or an Easter Lily
• 1:16:43
  on the table or whatever the Keys may be?
• 1:16:44
  No, because I had my people and so.
• 1:16:47
  Yeah. It's not that my expectations
• 1:16:49
  have that I've lowered them, but they've changed.
• 1:16:53
  If I can have my people together, I don't care when it
• 1:16:56
  is and it's it's so hard, but I and I find myself as a daughter,
• 1:17:05
  right? Thinking all the times that I
• 1:17:07
  left my mom hanging and didn't go see her or didn't spend time
• 1:17:12
  with her and how she went through the same thing.
• 1:17:15
  And she didn't beat me up, right?
• 1:17:17
  She just let me live my life and figure it out.
• 1:17:20
  And so now we try to spend as much time as we can with her
• 1:17:24
  too, because my parents are still here.
• 1:17:26
  And yeah, but I know that time is fleeting.
• 1:17:30
  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you for all of that.
• 1:17:33
  It is, you know, it is such an interesting balance.
• 1:17:35
  I was a guest couple months ago on a guy who's who he is.
• 1:17:41
  He's in, he and his wife are in their 60 now and he's literally
• 1:17:44
  started a podcast about parenting adult children and
• 1:17:47
  it's built all around about how learning to show up for them now
• 1:17:51
  and, and, and knowing those lines of, OK, we've raised them.
• 1:17:55
  This was the case then, but now we have to adjust.
• 1:17:58
  So how can we still show up in a way that best supports them that
• 1:18:01
  we don't get that we communicate, you know, and he's
• 1:18:04
  created an entire podcast. It's done very well because I
• 1:18:07
  think this is a part of the conversation that we don't have
• 1:18:10
  until all of a sudden we're in it.
• 1:18:12
  Like I remember it was the first time Sierra and I, my oldest had
• 1:18:17
  a conversation about in laws and she's like, you know, mom, I
• 1:18:20
  need AI just feel like we don't talk about this.
• 1:18:23
  I'm like, what do you need? Let's talk about?
• 1:18:24
  I go, well, it's, it's very interesting because every in law
• 1:18:27
  situation is different and, and, and how you connect, you know,
• 1:18:33
  with your parents versus your in laws is going to depend a lot on
• 1:18:37
  your partner's lead and how they connect with them.
• 1:18:39
  And so figuring that out, that balance and what works and what
• 1:18:43
  doesn't and working that out with your partner.
• 1:18:45
  She's like, I feel like there should be a whole chapter on in
• 1:18:48
  laws and out about. And I'm like, you are right.
• 1:18:52
  And so we had a whole conversation and talked about
• 1:18:54
  that and because her family dynamic is very different than
• 1:19:00
  her husbands family dynamic. And so, you know, finding the
• 1:19:04
  balance within that we, our middle daughter is going to be
• 1:19:06
  getting married in the next year and a half.
• 1:19:08
  And, you know, there's that family, you know, balancing that
• 1:19:12
  family dynamic because both sides, both sides of the family
• 1:19:15
  are very close. And so working all of that out
• 1:19:19
  and, and just, and being able to hold things loosely.
• 1:19:22
  I mean, my husband and I, so the last two Thanksgivings, it's
• 1:19:24
  just worked out that with everybody's, like you said, work
• 1:19:29
  schedules and, and holidays and when they can take time off.
• 1:19:33
  The last two Thanksgivings have just been the two of us and I
• 1:19:37
  had to learn to get OK with that because Thanksgiving weekend is,
• 1:19:43
  is when I, we want to get the tree and we decorate the tree
• 1:19:47
  and you know, like all of those things.
• 1:19:50
  And now we've been fortunate that Christmases have pretty
• 1:19:54
  much all been together and that's worked out for us.
• 1:19:58
  That will change a little bit when Kylie gets married because
• 1:20:01
  there's going to be probably more of that every other year
• 1:20:03
  thing going on where there's not that.
• 1:20:05
  With my oldest daughter and her husband.
• 1:20:07
  But but yeah, it's just that getting like getting used to
• 1:20:12
  those expectations that you always had around what it would
• 1:20:16
  look like. And just like you said, now our
• 1:20:19
  SO for instance, we will go on a trip in mid-september.
• 1:20:24
  My husband has this goal of hitting all the ballparks are
• 1:20:27
  across the country. He's only got 2 left.
• 1:20:29
  He's got Minnesota and Kansas City.
• 1:20:32
  So we will and he's been, this has been something he's been
• 1:20:34
  working on their whole life like ever since they were little
• 1:20:36
  kids. He started figuring out he
• 1:20:38
  wanted to knock these off. So the kids will meet us in
• 1:20:41
  Minneapolis in mid-september and they will do the last two
• 1:20:45
  ballparks with this over a three day period.
• 1:20:48
  It'll be a quick trip, but that's where we're getting, you
• 1:20:51
  know. So that'll be our next unless we
• 1:20:53
  may end up seeing them this summer.
• 1:20:54
  We haven't figured that out yet with all the movie parts because
• 1:20:57
  they're all over the country. So you, it's exactly what you
• 1:21:00
  said, but it's also the communication piece of I could
• 1:21:04
  just be frustrated or I could be like, OK, let me know.
• 1:21:09
  Like I stated to them a year in advance last year, I would like
• 1:21:14
  everybody here at our home for Christmas.
• 1:21:17
  We've done a lot of traveling to you over the last few years.
• 1:21:20
  We have a home now in an area you all can get to pretty
• 1:21:23
  easily. What does that look like?
• 1:21:26
  And in realizing that it was something I needed to
• 1:21:28
  communicate a year out so they could all look at their work
• 1:21:31
  schedules and their family schedules.
• 1:21:33
  And it worked out and everybody came in and my sister in But
• 1:21:38
  just those things that take more planning not to assume, you
• 1:21:42
  know, not to assume something's just going to be the way you
• 1:21:46
  thought it would be. Well, yeah.
• 1:21:49
  And if you don't bring it up and you don't talk about it, then
• 1:21:52
  you're just going to sit in your own.
• 1:21:53
  Oh my gosh, frustration and sadness.
• 1:21:57
  Right. Because why?
• 1:21:59
  I mean, it would be very easy to think I just don't matter.
• 1:22:02
  But that's not the case. No, it's it's just not.
• 1:22:06
  And so I love that. I love the the idea of a
• 1:22:12
  vacation. One of my daughter in law's,
• 1:22:16
  she's one of four kids and they live all over the country.
• 1:22:19
  And so, you know, they plan a trip each, each, each every
• 1:22:25
  year. One of them gets to choose where
• 1:22:26
  they're going to go. And they'll all siblings and
• 1:22:29
  their mom, you know, fly in and they spend that long weekend
• 1:22:33
  together. Yeah, because maybe somebody's
• 1:22:36
  not going to make Christmas, maybe it's not going to make
• 1:22:38
  Thanksgiving. And I just think it's a nice way
• 1:22:41
  to take the pressure off everyone so that when you do
• 1:22:44
  spend time together, you have a great time together.
• 1:22:47
  Yes, it's not like what we talked about earlier where
• 1:22:50
  there's this overhang of animosity or frustration.
• 1:22:53
  You're meeting each other at level.
• 1:22:55
  You can just enjoy that time together.
• 1:22:57
  All right, thank you for going on that trail with me.
• 1:22:59
  But I knew that that's just something we don't talk about.
• 1:23:02
  And this is something you and I are both going through.
• 1:23:04
  And I feel like it's like we get get them raised and then we
• 1:23:07
  don't talk about the after and all that comes with that.
• 1:23:10
  And there's more to the story in finding your way through that.
• 1:23:15
  OK, accepting the layered aspects of ourselves.
• 1:23:20
  We've really been talking about this this whole conversation.
• 1:23:23
  You and I have both done our own layers work.
• 1:23:26
  We have had to come to, I think, a reconciliation with our
• 1:23:32
  bodies. I had to stop seeing my body as
• 1:23:35
  being against me and start realizing she was actually for
• 1:23:39
  me, trying to send me clues of what needed her attention.
• 1:23:44
  So I really had to flip the script on that and really had to
• 1:23:47
  change my inner dialogue in this layers piece.
• 1:23:51
  But I feel like this layers piece is so foundational to the
• 1:23:54
  rest of it because when you know your value, you can acknowledge.
• 1:23:58
  You don't have to love all your layers, but you're getting
• 1:24:00
  curious and having an acknowledgement then that allows
• 1:24:04
  you to see the value, see the beauty and and be able to
• 1:24:08
  prioritize accordingly because you know of that value that's
• 1:24:12
  inherent in you and you've been on on that journey too.
• 1:24:15
  So talk to me about just the layers journey and how that's
• 1:24:18
  helped inform you. There's just, there's so many
• 1:24:24
  things that no one taught us and so many things we had to stumble
• 1:24:28
  on and struggle with to, to reach a point where, where we
• 1:24:32
  can accept who we are in all of our layers and every, every
• 1:24:36
  aspect of who we are. And, and you know, it's like,
• 1:24:42
  like if I had a little wheel and there were spokes in there and I
• 1:24:45
  got to mark off each of my layers, emotional, spiritual,
• 1:24:49
  physical, emotional, cultural community, my, my community
• 1:24:56
  involvement or whatever, my friends.
• 1:24:59
  Nothing's ever going to be firing at the same time.
• 1:25:03
  And I think that that was the important piece for me in
• 1:25:07
  learning to love who I am and to be happy with Kim at 57 years
• 1:25:12
  old, the way that I am. Everything's not going to be
• 1:25:19
  perfect at any one point in time there there might be a 10 minute
• 1:25:22
  moment where I'm thinking, you know, waiting for the ball to
• 1:25:27
  drop. But, but, but there's never that
• 1:25:32
  moment where I don't have something that I wish were
• 1:25:34
  better in my life. Sure.
• 1:25:36
  And, and acknowledging, acknowledging that we can still
• 1:25:42
  have goals and we can still have a place to work towards, but
• 1:25:45
  still really loving where we are today and whatever it is.
• 1:25:51
  Like, there's nothing better in my life than when my marriage is
• 1:25:54
  like, is like on point where we're communicating well, we're
• 1:25:59
  in touch with one another, We're we're having good conversations,
• 1:26:03
  you know, I mean, like, but it's so easy to forget that piece of
• 1:26:08
  my life because something else is off, right.
• 1:26:12
  And so, so I guess for me, the layers piece is just in
• 1:26:18
  acknowledging that I need to appreciate the things that are
• 1:26:20
  going really well right now, whatever that is at the moment,
• 1:26:26
  and not beating up the things that the the piece of the pie
• 1:26:29
  that's not going so well, you know, working on it, talking
• 1:26:33
  through it, praying for it, working towards it, whatever it
• 1:26:38
  is. Sure.
• 1:26:41
  Kim's never going to be. Yeah, I'm never going to on this
• 1:26:45
  earth. I'm never going to be perfect.
• 1:26:47
  And but there's a lot of good in me and there's there's a lot of
• 1:26:51
  potential in me. So.
• 1:26:55
  Yeah, I love that. I think too that that releasing
• 1:26:58
  the perfection takes so much pressure off of you.
• 1:27:01
  And I don't think we realize how much of that how heavy that is
• 1:27:06
  until we release it. I mean, I when I was really
• 1:27:09
  truly able to release and listen, I still struggle like
• 1:27:13
  I'm not, I'm, you know, it's a journey and it will continue to
• 1:27:16
  be a journey. But that acknowledgement and
• 1:27:18
  when I was able to really like, it was like, Oh my gosh, that
• 1:27:21
  was like £20 potato bag. I was carrying on my shoulders
• 1:27:25
  that I didn't even fully understand until I released it.
• 1:27:31
  So taking the pressure off that and, and just again, I think it
• 1:27:34
  goes back to that emotions piece we were talking about earlier is
• 1:27:38
  there's going to be multiple things happening at one time and
• 1:27:42
  let not letting one. And now the thing about layers
• 1:27:46
  is others, there's some of those things might take more of your
• 1:27:49
  energy. Like you're going to have
• 1:27:50
  seasons where some of those harder things are going to take
• 1:27:53
  more of your energy. But make sure that you're
• 1:27:56
  incorporating and allowing the other things to breathe and have
• 1:27:59
  life too, so it doesn't become overwhelming and you can you
• 1:28:03
  still feel like you can find your way in it.
• 1:28:07
  Yep. And don't drop the ball on one
• 1:28:08
  thing just because another is like screaming for more
• 1:28:11
  attention. And if you have a good fitness
• 1:28:14
  plan in place and you eat a certain way and you know, you,
• 1:28:20
  you go through these rhythms, you're going to church or you're
• 1:28:23
  going to a book club and and you know, hang in with your friends.
• 1:28:28
  And then all of a sudden your mom gets really sick and they
• 1:28:31
  need your time or your kids need you to come and care for their
• 1:28:36
  child for whatever reason. And like you have this major
• 1:28:39
  disruption in your life. It's OK to set the other things
• 1:28:44
  aside for a moment. But when you've got something
• 1:28:49
  that's working for you and that brings you joy and, and it's,
• 1:28:53
  it's become who you are. And you don't even have to think
• 1:28:57
  about it, right? You just get up in the morning,
• 1:28:59
  you put on your tent, you go for a run.
• 1:29:01
  You can do that anywhere. And just because mom is sick or
• 1:29:04
  because you need to babysit doesn't mean that you should set
• 1:29:07
  it aside and give it up. That's where I think so many of
• 1:29:12
  us think, oh, this needs all of my attention.
• 1:29:16
  And no, it doesn't. If if a thing is who you are and
• 1:29:19
  it's a piece of you, and if you work hard to make it a piece of
• 1:29:23
  you, it can stick through and it can carry you through and it can
• 1:29:27
  make a hard thing not so hard. That's it right there.
• 1:29:32
  You nailed it. You've got if you need to show
• 1:29:34
  up with more energy, then you're going to need the energy to show
• 1:29:38
  up well. And so don't let those things go
• 1:29:42
  that fill your cup because they're more essential than ever
• 1:29:46
  right now. I'm so glad that I'm so you hit
• 1:29:49
  on that. I'm so glad you did because I
• 1:29:51
  and that it comes back to our layers.
• 1:29:53
  It comes back to knowing our value.
• 1:29:55
  It comes back to meeting the energy that you want to be able
• 1:29:59
  to give to whatever this situation is.
• 1:30:02
  You don't put those things on the back burner.
• 1:30:04
  I'm not anymore. I'm not talking about missing
• 1:30:06
  them for a couple of days. But if you if you're in a longer
• 1:30:09
  engaged thing that's going to need months or even a few years
• 1:30:13
  of your intention, you got to make sure you're energized and
• 1:30:17
  ready and are tapping into those other parts of your life that
• 1:30:20
  work so well for you so you don't become engulfed by this
• 1:30:24
  one thing. Yeah, Absolutely, absolutely so
• 1:30:27
  important. So important.
• 1:30:28
  Thank you so much for that. In summary, in living out feel,
• 1:30:32
  finding empowerment, embracing layers, which is what we've been
• 1:30:35
  talking about and what you do so beautifully, talk to me about
• 1:30:40
  the impact that has had on your relationship with yourself as
• 1:30:44
  well as your relationship with other people.
• 1:30:49
  My relationship with myself is better than it's ever been in my
• 1:30:53
  whole life and it's in simply allowing myself to to be who I
• 1:31:01
  am and to be proud of who I am. I'm not settling right.
• 1:31:07
  I have gifts that are different than yours and and it's in
• 1:31:11
  acknowledging those and and feeding them in a way that they
• 1:31:15
  can grow. Yeah.
• 1:31:18
  I, I like him today. I've always liked her.
• 1:31:21
  But I mean, like, I, I, I really, I enjoy spending time
• 1:31:25
  with her. Yeah.
• 1:31:27
  And it's, it's made my relationships better because
• 1:31:31
  people know who's going to show up.
• 1:31:33
  Yeah. I'm, I'm no longer.
• 1:31:37
  I'm not going to be a different Kim from Alyssa than I am for my
• 1:31:41
  husband or for my kids or for the people at church, You know,
• 1:31:45
  I mean, I went to dinner with ladies in a book club at church
• 1:31:48
  last night and you had them. If we're a church group meeting
• 1:31:52
  in a restaurant and you know, like our our waitress is talking
• 1:31:55
  to us about, you know, well, next time we meet, we should
• 1:31:58
  meet at like this topless joint, you know, where they have
• 1:32:00
  dancers And what I mean, like it.
• 1:32:01
  We just had a good time, right? We just had a good time because
• 1:32:05
  who cares? And I'm not going to be the
• 1:32:08
  charts lady, right? I mean, like, I'm just there
• 1:32:10
  with my friends and we're having fun with the waitress.
• 1:32:13
  So. Yeah.
• 1:32:14
  So Kim, Kim who I am today, it's the same Kim who's going to show
• 1:32:18
  up for every single person in my life.
• 1:32:22
  And that's made my relationships better because there's no doubt
• 1:32:26
  they know my moodiness. They know when I'm sad.
• 1:32:28
  They, they know it, but they know, they know I'm going to
• 1:32:32
  pull out of it and who I'm going to be 99% of the time, right?
• 1:32:38
  So, and it's allowed me to have stronger relationships because
• 1:32:42
  they know how to support me. They don't have to guess what I
• 1:32:45
  need from them because I'm honest with them now.
• 1:32:50
  Yeah, I love that. So good.
• 1:32:52
  Ah, so good. All right, talk to me.
• 1:32:55
  We're down to the rapid fire. Name 5 activities that nourish
• 1:32:59
  you. Writing, walking, praying,
• 1:33:09
  playing with my grandkiddos Number 50.
• 1:33:16
  There's so many cooking. I love to cook even more than I
• 1:33:20
  like to eat, yeah. Oh, that's awesome, I love that.
• 1:33:24
  I don't. I wish I did, but I don't.
• 1:33:26
  But that's OK. It's OK, I've accepted that.
• 1:33:28
  That's one of my layers I've accepted.
• 1:33:30
  And my husband's a great cook, so it's all good.
• 1:33:33
  All right, 5 words on how you want to feel the next 6.
• 1:33:37
  Months strong joy filled fulfilled curious contempt.
• 1:33:56
  Very good. All right, my friend, tell
• 1:33:58
  people where they can find you and follow you and of course
• 1:34:01
  this will all be on our resources page.
• 1:34:04
  Ladies at embracinglayers.com, you can find and follow
• 1:34:08
  resources there. They're already there.
• 1:34:09
  And like our show notes on our YouTube page as well, multiple
• 1:34:12
  ways you can find and hear from Kim.
• 1:34:14
  And I invite you to go listen to all those panels that she's been
• 1:34:18
  a part of. It's the ad embracing Layers
• 1:34:20
  YouTube channel. Go check those out, go to our
• 1:34:22
  video section, find those panels.
• 1:34:24
  She's spoken so much wisdom into those as well.
• 1:34:27
  But share right now where people can find you and follow you and
• 1:34:30
  how you can support them. Kim Mosman everywhere on
• 1:34:36
  Instagram and Facebook. I post most often there.
• 1:34:40
  Ioffer a semi inspired for semi annual, it seems like inspired
• 1:34:46
  blog on my website, Kim Mosman Wellness.
• 1:34:50
  But the best thing about the website is you can reach me
• 1:34:52
  anywhere I'm at. And if you're a writer or you're
• 1:34:57
  an author, I'm recently at writer2the#2writer.com where I'm
• 1:35:03
  working with my friend Leah and we're trying to lift other women
• 1:35:08
  up as they try to get their words out into the world.
• 1:35:11
  So yeah, that's about it. That's my favorite music.
• 1:35:15
  I'm a lot of places, but yeah, it's very cool.
• 1:35:17
  Yeah, I love that so much. And and Kim's on sub set too,
• 1:35:21
  and she writes about some of the most thoughtful.
• 1:35:25
  It's always it's it's like one of my favorite things to read.
• 1:35:28
  It always makes me think it's it's and it's just, yeah, I
• 1:35:33
  think it's a season of life I'm in, too.
• 1:35:35
  But she always helps me see things through a lens that that
• 1:35:38
  really strikes a chord with me. And she's also.
• 1:35:41
  Stay tuned somewhere down the road here.
• 1:35:43
  Maybe by the time this episode drops, we're going to bring her
• 1:35:46
  over to our sub stack as well and talk more about her books
• 1:35:50
  and this writing coaching experience that she has created
• 1:35:54
  to help women get their books out in the world.
• 1:35:57
  So stay tuned for that. But I always enjoy our visits.
• 1:36:01
  I, I, I'm so thankful and I know someday I'm going to have a
• 1:36:05
  chance to hug and meet you in person.
• 1:36:06
  But I appreciate your time today.
• 1:36:08
  You've got a lot going on right now.
• 1:36:10
  And I appreciate your willingness to take the time in
• 1:36:13
  meeting this season and have this conversation with me.
• 1:36:15
  It's going to be I, I always know whatever you have to offer
• 1:36:19
  is going to be a blessing to somebody who needs to hear it.
• 1:36:22
  And so I appreciate all your time.
• 1:36:24
  Yeah, I've loved every minute. I feel like we're so just
• 1:36:29
  walking a parallel path and trying to help women out there,
• 1:36:34
  so I appreciate your time as well.
• 1:36:37
  All right, all right, ladies, take good care of yourselves.
• 1:36:40
  Find 10 minutes a day for yourself.
• 1:36:42
  Whatever season you're in. Find 10 minutes a day for
• 1:36:46
  yourself, Mamas. If that means you lock yourself
• 1:36:48
  in the bathroom, it's all right. You can do that.
• 1:36:52
  They're if that means a 10 minute shower with the music on,
• 1:36:57
  what if it means a 10 minute walk around the block, whatever
• 1:37:01
  that means. Find 10 minutes just for you.
• 1:37:05
  And if you're having trouble with that, message me embracing
• 1:37:09
  layers dot at gmail.com. Any DM me at embracing layers on
• 1:37:13
  Instagram. I will help you find that 10
• 1:37:15
  minutes, but that is your challenge.
• 1:37:17
  I love that. That is your challenge.
• 1:37:20
  Take good care of yourselves and have a great week.
• 1:37:27
  Hello, Melissa Crook here. Thank you so much for joining us
• 1:37:31
  on the Field podcast today. Finding Empowerment.
• 1:37:35
  Embracing Layers. I hope you found today's
• 1:37:38
  framework and resources supportive and informative.
• 1:37:42
  To learn more about all that we offer here at the Embracing
• 1:37:46
  Layers Network, visit embracinglayers.com.
• 1:37:50
  You can go to our contact form to schedule me as a speaker for
• 1:37:54
  your next conference, workshop, or seminar.
• 1:37:57
  You can go to our book page to order our book, The Jessica
• 1:38:01
  Garrison, our wonderful and talented writer and author
• 1:38:04
  authored with my support and engage with this framework in
• 1:38:09
  written form with your journal or in a book club with other
• 1:38:12
  women inviting them on this journey with you.
• 1:38:16
  You can look at our resources page for all of the helpful and
• 1:38:19
  insightful resources our guests offer and share.
• 1:38:23
  You can find the schedule for our weekly Together We Feel
• 1:38:26
  Women's panel conversations that we're holding each Monday on our
• 1:38:30
  YouTube channel, and you can find the links to all the spaces
• 1:38:34
  and places. You can then follow engage with
• 1:38:37
  us on social media and join our engagements that are happening
• 1:38:42
  on our Sub Stat site. There is also a donation page
• 1:38:46
  where you can donate to support our work to ensure we can
• 1:38:49
  continue to bring you these incredible guest conversations
• 1:38:54
  and support. Thanks again for joining me this
• 1:38:57
  week. Share with your friends and give
• 1:38:59
  us a review on your favorite listening platform.
• 1:39:02
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• 1:39:06
  that will best support you and having an empowered Embracing
• 1:39:11
  Layers journey. Take good care and thanks for
• 1:39:14
  giving us some of your valuable time today.
• 1:39:17
  We truly appreciate you so deeply.