Latest / Cage Match: A Roundabout Way of Meeting Nicolas Cage / The Carpenter's Son

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The Carpenter's Son · Cage Match: A Roundabout Way of Meeting Nicolas Cage

0:01
Oh, God. Oh, my God. So, yeah, gray hairs grow
0:24
fast. Oh, yeah, they're super slick. That's because
0:26
they're... No. They're coarse. They're coarse.
0:29
So they like push through. That makes no sense.
0:32
That doesn't make sense. If they were so coarse,
0:35
why don't they get sandpaper stuck? Why are my
0:37
follicles getting bigger? And they stand up.
0:42
Now I'm creeped out. Why are they always wet?
0:44
Yeah, well, I love a good wet hole. God, fuck.
0:49
Strong start. I'm very tired. I did not sleep
0:52
almost at all last night. Oh, nice. Yeah, right.
0:55
I got my four hours. Has anyone here ever tried
0:58
to like talk to Google, not like Google AI, but
1:00
someone at Google? Oh yeah. Every once in a while
1:04
I've, I've had to deal with that for like SEO
1:06
shit. Yeah. That's what I'm currently dealing
1:09
with today. I ended my day with an email from
1:13
Google. They've been swapping our business hours
1:15
for us every day, even though, you know, to what
1:19
isn't our business hours. And they finally emailed
1:21
me today and they're like, we found the problem.
1:23
There's this, uh, Email that has access to your
1:26
account that keeps changing them. You should
1:28
contact them and tell them to stop. To which
1:30
I replied, you mean me? Because they sent me
1:37
back my email responding to that email address.
1:42
Nice. Wow. Real good attention to detail. So
1:45
why'd you keep changing it? Yeah, stop fucking
1:48
with the dates and times, Sean. The best part,
1:52
though, was my boss was on this email thread
1:54
and just replied to me with woof. OK, so they're
2:01
dipshits. I get it. I deal with tech support
2:04
with all sorts of companies all day, all week
2:09
long. It's terrible. Every once in a while you
2:11
get like an actually good one. And I'm always
2:13
surprised by it. give them extra thanks at the
2:16
end usually i just get furious oh yeah i know
2:18
i always start with the yelling yeah and i let
2:21
them like work out like whether they want to
2:24
be a calming agent or just one of those people
2:27
that like juices me up even more and gets me
2:30
hotter and then i elevate to their supervisor
2:32
well how do you guys feel about jesus god damn
2:36
it i had a segue and everything roll it back
2:39
go ahead you know who didn't have this problem
2:41
jesus That's true. I'm sorry. The boy. Yeah.
2:50
The boy. Joshua. He does get called Joshua once.
2:54
He does. That's true. One time. Which is cool
2:57
people for Jesus, I guess. Yep. Praise Joshua.
3:01
That's like how Alfredo seems like a cool name,
3:04
but it's just Alfred. Or Arturo. It's like, it's
3:09
Arthur. Eduardo. These are just dork names. Yeah,
3:14
these are just good old -fashioned real people
3:16
names with O's at the end. Kinda. Alright, Peter
3:20
O. Nico. Yeah, Nico. Nico! Oh my god. That actually
3:28
works. Nico is what it is. Nico wafers. Nico
3:32
wafers are my favorite, man. I love just jamming
3:35
some. anus flavored nico wafers uh also welcome
3:39
back to cage magical and roundabout way me to
3:40
nicholas cage i'm your host sean here with my
3:42
co -host nick and our producer peter hello and
3:46
our special guest josie hi josie hi yeah long
3:51
time listener long time our first patreon supporter
3:54
no never called or wait you weren't our first
3:58
josh was never mind doesn't matter you were an
4:00
early patreon supporter i feel like josie was
4:04
an early hostage to this endeavor she didn't
4:08
have much choice in this one she got roped along
4:10
i mean i like to watch movies and if nick will
4:13
sit down and watch a movie with me i guess Yeah,
4:16
it's kind of a win -win in that way, except you've
4:19
had to watch a lot of bad movies. And them multiple
4:22
times. How do you feel about Nicolas Cage? Yeah.
4:25
I like most of the stuff we watch. There's some
4:29
that I don't want to watch again. Yeah, but usually
4:32
once is enough. Yeah. In those situations, it's
4:35
like, oh, okay, I watched it. That's pretty good.
4:37
Yep. There are still some that I would watch,
4:39
you know, multiple times. There was a part of
4:42
me that was like, how do I watch this again?
4:44
I kind of wanted to. not sure why this movie
4:47
oh this movie yeah that is an incorrect that
4:50
is an incorrect assumption uh yeah we'll talk
4:53
about that because i actually also kind of wanted
4:54
to watch it again i would watch it again but
4:57
yeah this is one of those movies i'd only watch
4:59
the highlights of mostly i want to see uh jesus
5:02
and satan throw hands again oh yeah yeah okay
5:06
spoilers yeah so we we watched the brand new
5:09
uh carpenter's son went to a movie theater had
5:12
the whole experience there were other people
5:14
there were people there were people in your theater
5:16
too right sean yeah no there were and it was
5:18
weird yeah for a movie that i saw no advertising
5:23
for not even on like reddit or anything like
5:25
that uh there were maybe two posts that i ever
5:28
saw about it outside of our own conversations
5:31
We knew at least one of the groups of people
5:34
as we were leaving, they were like, are you guys
5:36
religious or Nick Cage people? Oh, yeah. Like,
5:39
yeah, no, we're religious about Nicolas Cage.
5:42
That's true. Throughout this whole film, I was
5:45
trying to like stifle mad cackling at just how
5:49
hilariously bad parts of this were. And I stopped
5:53
myself because religious people are weird about
5:56
Jesus. And I didn't want to get punched. Go figure.
5:59
oh i don't know from what i hear most of the
6:02
religious people who see this film end up just
6:04
walking out because of the the blasphemes but
6:08
one dude was crying at the end of this film oh
6:11
that's so cool what i had questions why i mean
6:16
i don't see why is it because is it because the
6:18
devil lost or they were confused because it was
6:21
so annoyingly vague but not at the same time
6:27
Did they finally bust? I just figured like if
6:32
this guy's crying, if this guy's crying at a
6:34
Jesus movie, he probably doesn't want to be asked
6:36
by the guy in a dress and heels what his deal
6:40
is. that's probably fair i think the question
6:44
goes both ways at this point and you just have
6:46
to accept that it's okay but also most people
6:49
strangers don't like to be asked what's your
6:52
deal yeah hey dude that's not really a thing
6:55
that you should ask people unless they work at
6:58
a casino josey were you raised religious at all
7:05
um i went to catholic school for kindergarten
7:10
and first grade okay and then my brother graduated
7:13
eighth grade from the school and i had no one
7:17
to walk home with so i got put in public school
7:20
so that i could go home with friends okay i had
7:25
a similar experience because i went to catholic
7:27
school for kindergarten first grade and then
7:29
i got held back in the first grade and then my
7:31
parents took me out of that school that's because
7:33
they knew you were bad to the core were you held
7:36
back or held down Show us on the doll where the
7:39
priest touched you, Sean. I was too mouthy for
7:43
that. That's their favorite kind of kid. The
7:47
mouthy ones. No, because I would talk. They can't
7:49
have kids who talk. No, I just first day of first
7:54
grade, I told my teacher, Miss Cooch's, I hate
7:56
you and don't have to do what you say. And then
7:59
proceeded to do that for an entire school year.
8:01
Oh, lovely. I had a sister, Amanda. Sister. Sister
8:08
Amanda was our... That's like the lady version
8:11
of name with an O. This is name with an A. So
8:14
it's just Amanda? Yeah. See how they added an
8:20
A on the end? Here's the extra sound, the ah.
8:24
I don't know. I think I'm pretty on record for
8:26
having a speckled past with Catholic raising.
8:32
I think I talked about like... Getting held back
8:35
in like my first communion school, all my Sunday
8:38
school classes and stuff. Too many questions.
8:41
Well, I was drawing pictures. I was drawing pictures
8:44
of kids misbehaving. And that's right. The nun
8:47
was just like, we're not so sure about this one.
8:50
Let's hold him back. You were OK. You were held
8:53
back in Sunday school. I was just asked to not
8:55
be returned. Yeah, they just they told my parents,
8:59
little Sean can't come back. Yeah, well, that's
9:02
what churches are for dumping children. Exactly.
9:04
Come on. Like, obviously, your parents had a
9:07
plan. So I did K through eight in Catholic school
9:10
and, you know, was then expected in high school
9:13
years to continue going to church, which basically
9:15
meant me going to the super early mass before
9:18
I went to work in a restaurant and standing outside
9:21
of it, eating McDonald's and listening to the
9:24
priest's voice so I could hear at least a bit
9:26
of what they talked about so I could tell my
9:28
dad that I went to church. um so that's my relationship
9:31
with it um but sticks one of the things that
9:34
i always was interested though was about like
9:36
this middle section of jesus's life where it's
9:39
like what happened when he was like a little
9:41
shit teen yeah you know yeah it's sad that they
9:44
don't really ever try to address it like uh on
9:49
the record or anything on the record all these
9:52
damn apocryphal records so instead you get a
9:55
nicholas cage movie Have you read the Christopher
9:59
Moore book, Lamb? Yes. The Gospel According to
10:03
Biff, Jesus's Best Friend. I forgot about that
10:08
book. I really liked it. I love Christopher Moore,
10:10
and I've read all of his books, but that's a
10:12
good one. If you listen to it, it's read by Fisher
10:16
Stevens. Oh, fuck yeah. Yeah. He's my favorite
10:20
Indian. What? It's a good one. He plays and he
10:28
played it. I mean, he's a notably not Indian
10:31
guy who played an Indian guy in short circuit
10:33
and short circuit, too, I assume. What kind of
10:36
Indian like Ben Kingsley Indian or like? Yes.
10:41
Yes. I mean, they give him brown face for that,
10:46
for sure. Hell yeah. Yeah. Short circuit, huh?
10:50
I'm going to watch that in a minute. Same. I
10:52
think it's time to go home and commit a crime.
10:53
uh speaking of brownface i was just reminded
10:55
that the prince of persia movie exists and no
10:57
one in that is uh nope persian that yeah well
11:01
i mean kind of similar vibes for this movie it's
11:04
like they did not get anybody middle eastern
11:07
at all case in point nick cage i do appreciate
11:10
that the uh the white male bearded character
11:13
in this wasn't jesus they actually got someone
11:16
with melanin to play jesus that's true yeah that's
11:20
his name right yeah yeah It's Jupe, not Jupe?
11:23
Yeah, it's Jupe. Hoopa? Yeah, so Nick Cage is
11:26
the carpenter. Noah Jupe is... the boy fka twigs
11:31
is the mother i had to say that i did too it's
11:36
just fka i did one of those things it was like
11:39
how do you pronounce this and it was a video
11:40
and it was like fka twigs and i was like yeah
11:43
you probably could have cracked that code you
11:45
immediately tried like just sounding it out though
11:49
right oh yeah twigs this can't be it i'm going
11:54
to google oh why are the hours wrong on her name
11:57
ah curses Goddamn Google. FKA twigs. Yeah. Yeah.
12:04
That was something. Yeah. Peter hit it on the
12:06
head. This movie is about like, yeah, that the,
12:08
the middle, the middle of Jesus's life when he
12:10
was a shitty teen and hit it on the head. Is
12:13
that an, is that a carpenter pun? There was a
12:16
lot of, you're not my dad energy. You're not
12:18
my daddy. There was a lot of that. Yeah. Which
12:21
is also true. Yeah. I mean, depending on what
12:24
you believe. I mean, it's true in every sense.
12:26
Like, I don't think he is Nicolas Cage's child.
12:29
Well, that's true. And the carpenter was all
12:31
mad because, you know, God gave him a sign one
12:33
time and he's been like riding that high ever
12:35
since. Yeah, it bugged me. OK, I don't know much
12:39
about the Bible, but I thought Joseph and Mary
12:42
were like a couple. And then she just happened
12:45
to have. divine baby but they were not at all
12:50
a couple in this movie and he did not love her
12:53
she did yeah it was weird i think i think there's
12:56
usually like very big age gap partnership in
13:00
the bible and it was like arranged marriage type
13:03
of shit yeah she was definitely there to like
13:05
just bear bear children and do things for him
13:09
that seemed to be the vibe i will say my initial
13:11
thought about the my initial like thought when
13:14
this movie started when you just see mary like
13:16
shitting out a baby like just squat down shitting
13:19
out the kid um was just like wow they actually
13:21
are not hiding the fact that that is supposed
13:25
to be a child having a baby because she looks
13:28
13 with just a bunch of lip filler Which I think
13:32
is what Mary was supposed to be in the story,
13:35
like 13 or 14 or something like this. Yeah. I
13:38
mean, is God a perv? Yes. I mean. Hard to argue
13:47
with that. The other two thoughts I had during
13:50
this movie was, one, the way they do Jesus being
13:53
Jesus is he has like superpowers. He has mutant
13:56
powers. He has like the Superman. That's called
13:59
just Christianity. Yeah. That's how they do it
14:02
across the board. He can just hear and sense
14:04
everything. And it's just like, it's the very
14:07
lazy Superman overstimulated thing. The two thoughts
14:11
I had going into this or watching this film was
14:13
still better than 90 % of the Fox X -Men movies.
14:16
Yeah. And these new Star Wars movies do fucking
14:21
suck. Because Jesus uses the force to kill a
14:26
child. yeah we'll get there yeah i like the long
14:30
distance he sniped that kid right out did yeah
14:33
like fuck you just dropped his ass okay josey
14:36
laser give us give us the the plot rundown of
14:39
this this lovely movie obviously we now know
14:41
that jesus was butt born yeah shit out shit out
14:45
i know how babies work i'm gonna have to put
14:49
a content warning on this in a different way
14:53
I don't really know. It's just Bible -y stuff,
14:57
right? Well, they're like shunned from everywhere
15:02
they go. So they're like always on the run. Well,
15:05
also, they're worried about the king trying to
15:08
find them because they don't want to have him
15:10
be thrown on the baby burn pile. That was rough.
15:14
Intense. That was a cool way to start this movie.
15:17
That's pretty hardcore, right? All right, guys,
15:20
let me security like baggage check. Oh, baby
15:23
on the pile. Does it have a penis? Throw it in
15:27
the fire. That was my problem with that part.
15:31
As a king, don't you want more subjects? Why
15:35
are you throwing all of the babies away? So,
15:38
OK, so the Bible stuff that you're missing out
15:41
on is that the king, Herod, learns that there's
15:45
a baby to be born that will be the new king of
15:47
kings. So as current king, he's like, fuck that
15:51
shit. Every baby born right around this time,
15:54
that's a boy. Kill him. see i've never read any
16:00
oh look at me diving deep into my memories this
16:05
is good which also just god being a bit of a
16:09
hypocrite here seen as he's the whole like you're
16:11
not allowed to worship anyone but me because
16:13
i'm sensitive about that shit but you know don't
16:16
don't throw my son on the baby on the baby uh
16:19
pyre all of my well the son is also him that's
16:23
right all of my three things bible knowledge
16:26
is from uh androloid weber musicals so that's
16:33
a good way to consume it problem joseph and the
16:37
amazing technicolor dreamcoat and jesus christ
16:40
superstar there you go you got everything you
16:42
need yeah and i'm bound by law to continue saying
16:45
that Dreamcoat is still the best musical in the
16:48
world and always will be. I've done it twice.
16:51
It's so awful. Never seen it. God, it's so awful.
16:54
Why are you required to say that again? I lost
16:56
a bet in college. But it was like a game of rock,
17:00
paper, scissors. It was very low stakes. Yeah.
17:02
But I'm going to hold to it because I'm a man
17:04
of integrity. I appreciate that. Oh, are you?
17:08
That's what I said. Those are the words that
17:10
I recorded. All right. That's why you and Jesus
17:12
are so similar. Yeah. That and our Technicolor
17:15
Dreamcoats. Okay, so they escape the burn pile
17:19
by having him in a saddlebag? Yeah, I think so.
17:23
I thought he was going to be in that roll in
17:25
the back and they were just going to lay him.
17:28
Like they burritoed him. It's called swaddling.
17:35
Yeah, so they run away. And they just keep finding
17:39
new villages to stay in. And he, Joseph, well,
17:44
the carpenter gets a job and then they get found
17:50
out and then they run again. They finally find
17:53
a village when he's like, what is he? Probably
17:56
15. I like that when they find the housing, a
18:00
guy is just like. It's down that way and then
18:02
on the left and they just like wander around
18:04
in the cave. Randomly find a house that's unoccupied.
18:09
Yeah, I don't know. Yeah, it's weird. It's plague
18:12
times, right? Or leprosy times. Yeah, the way
18:15
they check if like demons have come into the
18:17
house is they put sand on the doorway and if
18:19
there's chicken feet in it, you know that a demon's
18:23
been in there. So they can only move to towns
18:26
without chickens. Yeah. Yeah. That chicken had
18:31
very just even steps too. Like it was two chicken
18:36
feet just right next to each other. And then
18:37
like a couple of inches later, two more chicken
18:39
feet. Like you just. Oh, just hopping. Maybe
18:41
it hops. It's a hopping chicken. Just doing a
18:43
cock hop. Like a. The cock hop. What roosters
18:46
are known for there. You going to the cock hop
18:48
later? Yep. I was thinking maybe like a crow.
18:52
Cock a hop -a -loo. That doesn't work. That's
18:54
terrible. I liked it. So because. Joseph can't
19:00
relate to his not son. Joseph like locks Jesus
19:06
like in a shed every night. Yeah. This is so
19:10
dumb. It's so weird. Because like Jesus can just
19:14
reach through the slats and pull out the bit
19:16
of wood that locks him in the shed. I loved that.
19:18
I loved it. It's just like a bunch of like kind
19:22
of open, not even like processed lumber or anything.
19:27
It's just like. Here's a bunch of raw wood kind
19:29
of lashed together in the resemblance of like
19:33
a prison cell. Yeah. And you can just reach out
19:36
and move your kind of like. I will say as a parent,
19:39
there's definitely a window of time. And Jesus
19:42
at 15 is beyond that. But where you can kind
19:44
of just like close a door and a kid is like,
19:46
guess that's that. I mean, you get a laundry
19:52
hamper and a heavy enough book and you're fine
19:54
for at least 20 minutes. Yeah, 15 -year -olds
19:56
can't figure out a laundry hamper. Nah. But yeah,
20:01
so he breaks out a lot. Also, he makes a new
20:05
friend in the town who just happens to be Satan.
20:11
Satan? Yeah. Is it not a skewered meat? uh well
20:17
there's satay and there's also satan satan satay
20:26
yeah yeah a fake meat satay i will say uh i will
20:30
say uh the fake meat uh satan um that fucking
20:35
you know That's end of days for me. That just
20:37
runs right through. Doesn't it go right through
20:39
everybody? It's like huge amounts of just consuming
20:43
gluten. It's only the gluten. It's all farts
20:47
for me. Like I eat it and I'm just like loud
20:50
ass clappers all over the place. Now that clears
20:54
me out. Oh yeah. So we all agree, satan is bad.
20:59
Yeah, it's not good. This is not a pro satan
21:03
podcast. I guess we're with Jesus on this one.
21:08
Yeah, he makes friends with this little kid and
21:13
like the like she she lives with the. The lepers
21:19
and everything with the sick, she doesn't have
21:21
a family and she's got like weird cutting scars
21:24
like she was the first like. I don't know, emo
21:27
kid, like first tortured soul. Yeah. But it's
21:30
like on her face and like, oh, but they play
21:33
this stupid game where it's like, see how close
21:35
you can get to touching the leper without touching
21:38
him. And then she's like, how fun is this? Yeah.
21:42
Aren't we having such a good time over this basically
21:45
dying person? They hadn't invented Nintendo yet.
21:49
That's true. Pac -Man hadn't shown up on the
21:52
scene yet. This is what we had to do. Yeah. I
21:56
mean, you know, Stand By Me is about going and
21:58
finding a dead body. You know, it's like times
22:00
haven't changed that much. Yeah. The 80s aren't
22:03
that far away. Then she then she like pushes
22:06
Jesus onto the dead body and or onto the leper
22:09
and he gets cured. Yeah. And then but it's a
22:15
slow burn because he was still kind of ugly.
22:17
Well, he was only, like, cured on that one spot
22:20
where he, like, fell on him. Yeah. Touch me more.
22:25
Yeah, that's so creepy, too. Like, hey, man,
22:27
you cured my ear. I need you to touch me all
22:30
over. Just give me the full. Yeah. The leper
22:33
show up to his shed and, like, grab him. That
22:35
was, like, the one creepy part was when he goes
22:37
back into his shed and, like, the hand comes
22:39
out of the shadow. Yeah. Yeah, and he brings
22:42
the whole leper colony with him. yeah do you
22:45
think this is uh the story that inspired all
22:49
the catholic priests like they're just out there
22:51
trying to cure the little kids and they're like
22:55
them of their innocence yeah they're like we
22:57
have to touch you we'll let us touch the pain
23:00
away oh no gross but yeah you're right that was
23:05
like the the almost horroriest moment in this
23:09
there's a couple other ones where it's like jesus
23:11
is visions of the future and he sees himself
23:13
crucified and yeah him in the the tomb in the
23:17
shroud which like you know it's a jump scare
23:19
oh he's breathing but like that visual was kind
23:22
of cool yeah there were some really cool visuals
23:24
the visuals of like him on the cross i thought
23:26
was well shot like this one thing about this
23:29
film is like they actually had probably a decent
23:33
dp like i didn't check to see who it was like
23:35
i mean probably fucking nobody no i mean visually
23:38
correct they did look very good work i mean like
23:40
i liked a lot of uh the visuals on this film
23:42
for a very colorless palette of desolate landscape
23:47
i guess yeah yeah pretty good house paint hadn't
23:53
really made its way no i get that i get that
23:55
but except for her uh shawl that was so blue
24:01
yeah well that's also a mary thing mary's iconography
24:04
is all blue that i know but yeah it's like where'd
24:08
she get those fucking dyes how did you get that
24:10
dye maybe jesus blessed it's god blessed yeah
24:13
one of the visuals that i did not enjoy was um
24:18
later he has a vision of hell and it's just this
24:22
like oh it looks like a weird like writhing sort
24:25
of arm it's a butthole but everything it's it's
24:27
they look like they look like bodies kind of
24:30
yeah but they're like weird butt bags like they're
24:33
they're not like actually human beings they're
24:35
sort of like just amorphous blobs and suffering
24:38
if you had a bunch of like writhing yeah maggots
24:41
on your butt like a if the sarlacc pit was covered
24:45
in maggots yeah and that's kind of what it looked
24:48
like it was not done well enough for me to like
24:51
that one they should have gotten a bunch of people
24:53
and put them in sacks and painted them white
24:54
and then had them right that would be pretty
24:56
crazy if you got like 70 dancers in sex oh yeah
25:00
and just really let them like go at it or well
25:03
they'd be fucking in those sacks too by the way
25:05
like the labyrinth when the hands Catch her on
25:11
her way down and they talk. Those guys, that
25:13
would have been interesting. That's effective.
25:17
The weird CG butt bags did not do it. Oh, it
25:21
would be so cool if they got those little flame
25:23
Muppets from... And that was hell. Fire eaters.
25:29
Thank you. That would be good. That's a good
25:32
hell. That is hell. The main conflict in this
25:36
film is between Joseph and it's just you know
25:42
joseph or the carpenters you know mean to his
25:45
son and then his son rebels and then uses his
25:50
powers then the town comes after them and well
25:53
he rebels because satan well and also like whispers
25:57
in his ear yeah yeah true so it's just i mean
26:01
it ultimately comes down to jesus is a teenage
26:03
boy he's horny he he's you know peeping on his
26:07
mute neighbor um oh yeah lilith and then yeah
26:10
and then yeah and then you know uh you know uh
26:16
satan comes and like whispers stuff in his ear
26:19
and he's like you know you know come find me
26:21
with all the sick people you know they fuck right
26:25
i did like that the carpenter is tasked with
26:29
making an idol and that like peeves jesus off
26:33
because that's kind of god's whole thing you
26:35
know Oh, you know, he didn't want to do it either
26:37
because he's like a good holy, holy different
26:40
religion. Yeah. OK, here's what I fucking hate
26:45
in this or any movie where we're just supposed
26:47
to feign disbelief that because everyone speaks
26:50
English because it's an it's a movie filmed in
26:53
English. There's always the scene where background
26:56
people are speaking a different language. That
27:01
was kind of weird. Yeah, I think they should
27:04
have gone the full like Mel Gibson Passion of
27:06
the Christ where everyone had to learn Aramaic
27:09
or some shit. Yeah. Give me subtitles. I also
27:12
just like subtitles. It might have kind of cleaned
27:17
up Cage's performance. If he was speaking a different
27:21
language, because then we wouldn't be looking
27:22
at his face when he's talking. That's true. It
27:25
was a little blocky. Yeah. I think FKA Twigs
27:29
had probably the best line delivery of the three.
27:33
Like she actually kind of got into more of a.
27:35
When she finally had a rhythm. Room to speak.
27:38
Yeah. Once she was allowed to speak. Because
27:40
most of it is just her like in blue. To Josie's
27:44
point, just like standing and looking. pouty
27:47
face pouty faced yeah yeah she is shockingly
27:51
older than i thought she was i mean she's she's
27:55
what like she's an adult 38 or something yeah
27:59
yeah i assumed she was younger oh yeah she has
28:02
a very young face yeah no yeah she's been on
28:05
the scene for a while just not as much she was
28:08
born in 88 oh okay so she's only like four years
28:11
younger than us she made better choices than
28:13
i did yeah she was in the crow remake so maybe
28:17
she didn't oh yeah i didn't see that but it made
28:22
me angry to look at the images of it oh yeah
28:26
yeah everything i read about that movie is that
28:28
it was not worth watching so well the original
28:31
is one of my favorite movies so and the best
28:35
soundtrack of ever yeah that's a good uh no spawn
28:42
the motion picture did you did you look at that
28:45
soundtrack of course i did no this okay one second
28:48
uh talk amongst yourselves for a second i need
28:50
to i'm gonna share this once i find it let's
28:54
see i'm gonna look through my notes idolatry
28:56
baby burn pile weird way of praying with claw
28:59
hands oh yeah that was really weird that that
29:01
pose that they would do when they were praying
29:03
oh yeah it looks so fucking intense gripping
29:05
the air grabbing god by the fucking nuts It's
29:10
the best way to get his attention. Yeah, true.
29:14
Yeah. So we had, you know, pretty much all of
29:17
it. You know, I didn't fall asleep through this
29:19
movie at all. See, I feel like that's a testament
29:21
to you left. I had a coughing fit and then I
29:24
went and got a cider. I went and got a beer.
29:27
Yeah. I stayed up through the whole thing. I
29:30
almost fell asleep. I almost fell asleep during
29:33
this movie. I fall asleep during almost every
29:36
movie. Like early on in this film, like in the
29:39
first 20 minutes, I was nodding off. The baby
29:43
burn pile didn't get you going. Everything after
29:46
that was just like, that's true. Fuck it. They
29:48
started, they started, they came in hard. They
29:50
came, they came in hard. Then it was all downhill
29:52
until like, Jesus is like pulling snakes out
29:55
of people's throats. Yeah. That was pretty cool,
29:58
too. Those snakes had weird heads. They really
30:00
did. Are those real? I think that is a type of
30:03
actual snake. Oh, okay. Because I was like, I've
30:06
never seen anything like that before. It's a
30:09
Saharan horned viper. Oh, okay. And it actually
30:11
does look just like that. Yeah. Thick body and
30:14
all. Thick with two Cs. It's apparently, like,
30:19
science name is Sarastes sarastes. Awesome. I
30:22
love a good double name. Yeah. That was the most
30:25
egregious CG in the film and it wasn't terrible.
30:28
The butt bags were worse than that. They're not
30:33
in focus enough where I find that it was like
30:35
that distracting. Fair enough. That scene with
30:40
all of the people in chains and on the cross
30:45
being crucified and stuff was crazy too. Like,
30:49
why? Why were they there? Yeah. All of them.
30:54
Is that. That's pretty much it. Who decides that
30:57
though? Like they didn't really. Who decides
30:59
it now? The Pharisees. Yeah. Yeah. But they're
31:03
like out in the middle of nowhere. It was sort
31:05
of the middle of nowhere. It was weird that they
31:07
had like a whole, you know. Plus there was that.
31:10
Gibbet. Sort of thing. Other religion with the.
31:12
Right. With the weird like beard god. Yeah. What
31:16
was. Whose religion were they sinning? That's
31:20
a. That's actually a pretty good fucking point.
31:22
Yeah. I do like how Jesus's ultimate way of rebelling
31:26
against his father is like, I'm going to go.
31:29
I'm going to go commit some miracles. You can't
31:31
stop me. Yeah. What a rebel. But that does bring
31:36
us to when he just fucking kills that kid who's
31:39
going to. Well, I was going to say before that.
31:41
Yeah. The carpenter and the mother are like going
31:45
to skip town. And then the carpenter goes to
31:48
find their son. And then Mary just gets cold
31:50
cocked. oh yeah i forgot about that and then
31:55
yeah then we have uh yeah uh one of the one of
31:59
the local boys uh local children that uh jesus
32:02
is like a tutor of or like meets in the class
32:06
with or something yeah um spies spies the boy
32:10
like in the forest and yells you know he's here
32:13
and then jesus snipes him with you know his force
32:17
powers his mind bullets his mind bullets that's
32:22
telekinesis kyle and then uh satan and jesus
32:28
fucking uh fucking throw hands they have a good
32:32
tussle yeah i like when i fight i like when it
32:35
cuts into like uh joseph's view right and you
32:40
can see like weird creepy like old lady yeah
32:44
yeah i couldn't tell i mean i think satan is
32:46
very like gender ambiguous for everybody right
32:50
and yeah i couldn't tell if that was supposed
32:52
to be like an older lady or an older dude even
32:54
the little girl is kind of ambiguous which fingernails
32:57
for sure it's very yeah ambiguous uh in terms
33:01
of gender because you know If there was one thing
33:05
the Christians are scared of, it's us non -binaries.
33:08
That's probably why everyone's up in arms. It's
33:10
like, this isn't a bad portrayal of Jesus, I
33:12
don't think. It's just too scary. One of the
33:16
things that I thought was kind of a cool effect,
33:18
speaking of all the cutting scars on Satan, was
33:22
as it progressed, those started to open up. Oh,
33:25
yeah. As we got to the climax of the entire film,
33:28
they were like gaped wounds. Yeah, they were
33:31
pretty gross. Yeah. bloody hands and faces and
33:34
stuff yeah when when jesus and uh and satan were
33:40
uh were throwing down in the theaters when i
33:42
finally kind of like lost lost it and started
33:45
audibly laughing at the film i laughed a couple
33:50
i i at least laughed once i don't remember what
33:52
it was about same yeah I was trying to remember
33:55
and it just completely. It was something that
33:57
was totally heavy handed. It was when the carpenter
34:01
died and yeah, like a little halo appears around
34:05
his head. I really wanted him to like be one
34:11
of the weasels that laughs themselves to death.
34:16
And then he would have like. his ghost just floated
34:20
up that would have been that's what it was incredible
34:22
yeah because that's what i thought of roger rabbit
34:25
is amazing yeah i need to re -watch that i bet
34:27
the dogs would go crazy if we watched it though
34:30
because the weasels probably let their control
34:34
of that lapse like it went back to the original
34:37
went back to the uh creator interesting who apparently
34:41
now wants to make a live action Jessica Rabbit
34:43
movie. So I feel like that guy doesn't know what
34:46
to do with that property. I'm on board for this.
34:49
Everything about this seems correct to me. She
34:52
will fall over and break an ankle. So my main
34:58
question at the end of all of this was, ultimately,
35:02
who is this movie for? Because I don't know.
35:05
Because the way it was originally kind of...
35:08
sold from what i understood was this is supposed
35:10
to be like a horror horror movie i mean that's
35:14
certainly how they presented it in trailers yeah
35:16
well and there are certainly elements near the
35:20
end that i think the nature of the story itself
35:23
kind of just lends itself to that sort of like
35:25
supernatural scare um i'm not no i'm not saying
35:30
this movie was scary at all it's not no but um
35:33
it felt like like near the end they had a little
35:36
bit of that sort of uh supernatural tension and
35:40
i liked that i liked it when it when it was doing
35:43
that i wish the movie had more of that throughout
35:45
it uh it seemed to really kind of just come up
35:48
in the end like the first two -thirds of the
35:50
movie are joseph being a dick and like praying
35:56
a lot and jesus being a kid like touching lepers
36:00
this almost seems like the ip ran uh what's the
36:07
copyright or whatever that is public domain the
36:10
public domain ran out on this so because there's
36:15
steamboat willie there is a horror movie about
36:19
steamboat blood and honey so maybe it's time
36:24
for the bible so maybe we're gonna get like lots
36:27
here's here's our new one jesus the pope forgot
36:32
to mail out a check at the end of the year it's
36:35
like oh no jesus is public domain we lost all
36:40
those bible stories there's gonna be so many
36:43
different like weird teen christ stuff yeah this
36:47
is like skateboarding jesus i love fucking radical
36:51
you're gonna get like jesus peeing on things
36:53
they're gonna replace calvin yeah on the back
36:55
of trucks some god nuts yeah i don't know i've
37:02
said what i have to say about this film it it's
37:04
fine i did not enjoy it so i had never like heard
37:11
anything like i i knew these things this story
37:14
existed but i didn't know anything about it uh
37:16
sean have you ever read any of the uh infancy
37:21
gospel of thomas no no peter have you read or
37:26
heard any of it very little so i wanted to know
37:30
about it and i was like really trying to think
37:33
like what am i gonna like talk about with this
37:36
one um first i was like i'll just troll the christian
37:40
subreddits and i was like that's not very fun
37:42
so i lowercase l learned about the uh the infancy
37:49
gospel of thomas which is what this movie is
37:51
kind of like based on like that is the the general
37:56
gist of it and so i watched two youtube videos
37:59
and i read the wikipedia page for it and boy
38:03
howdy is it super cool i fucking love the infancy
38:08
gospel of thomas and i'm going to read you the
38:14
notes that i took while i was learning about
38:17
it so It all starts when some dude catches five
38:21
year old Jesus playing in the mud. He was like
38:24
making clay on the Sabbath. That dude reprimands
38:28
Joseph and Joseph's like, you know, hey, Jesus,
38:33
you know, you can't be doing that. And Jesus
38:35
says to the dude who reprimanded Joseph, he's
38:38
like, your fruit will have no root and your shoot
38:41
will be withered like a scorched branch in the
38:43
wind and then fucking kills the dude's kid. jesus
38:50
is like fucking talk to me like that boom now
38:53
your kid's dead end of the line i did enjoy the
38:59
film when uh jesus gets pissed off with the uh
39:02
with the teacher with the priest um And like
39:05
the priest brings him back to Joseph. It's like,
39:07
you know, your child knows things he should not
39:09
know. It's like, what did you say to him? I told
39:11
him when he would die. Jesus went hard. So let
39:17
me burn through this because I got like three
39:20
pages. But I want to talk about my research.
39:25
Yeah. uh that sounds like the spawn soundtrack
39:28
uh so the village boy some other village boy
39:32
is running past and he bumps into five -year
39:34
-old jesus and like doesn't apologize or something
39:39
so jesus turns and he says curse be you because
39:43
of your leader i don't know And kills that boy
39:46
in the street, too. Damn. Yeah. Little five year
39:49
old Jesus was a fucking serial killer. I mean,
39:51
I will tell you, kids are crazy. Yeah. And you
39:54
give a kid God powers, God powers. It is God
39:58
who has zero like personal skills. Like also
40:03
Old Testament, God was a dick. You murk people
40:06
all the time. Yeah, it was like this whole thing.
40:08
So you just put that in a five year old's body,
40:10
like full comprehension of everything. And like.
40:14
normal god doesn't take shit why would five -year
40:17
-old god take shit so some villagers see that
40:21
and they get pissed and they tell joseph that
40:23
like the family's gotta go and so jesus this
40:28
is like the last time i'm gonna pull a quote
40:29
from the the translations but jesus says to joseph
40:33
since you know wise words you're not ignorant
40:36
of where they come from they were spoken of a
40:40
five -year -old and they won't be raised and
40:42
they will receive their punishment. So he's basically
40:46
like, you're going to let these motherfuckers
40:48
talk to a kid like that. I'm going to punish
40:51
them now. And to punish all the villagers for
40:54
calling him out on shit that they all saw murder.
40:57
He makes them all go blind. He's like, yeah,
40:59
I'm not going to kill you, but I'll make this
41:00
whole village go blind. Jesus. Yeah. So what
41:04
I'm getting is the new Testament is just Jesus
41:07
pulling in. My name is Earl. Yeah, pretty much.
41:10
So some dude like Zacharias or something tries
41:15
to tutor Jesus, but then he's like, fuck that.
41:19
Jesus is like, fuck that. You're a worm to me.
41:22
You don't know shit. You can't even possibly
41:26
come to my level of learning. And he gets all
41:31
arrogant and tells the village, I was playing
41:33
with you because I know you're small -minded
41:36
and amazed with small things. oh yeah sorry that
41:39
was my last quote from this and that's when i
41:42
realized that the gop really is the party of
41:44
jesus but everybody's like okay and then fucks
41:49
off they're like totally fine with it they're
41:50
like well yeah okay all right we're small -minded
41:53
people that's what we get so jesus goes with
41:57
uh zach and but he's like a shitty student because
42:01
he already knows everything so he And has a dick
42:06
attitude. Yeah. So he chews Zacharias out and
42:09
then he does it so effectively that Zacharias
42:13
becomes his student. And then he gets so stupid,
42:17
like he feels so stupid about everything that
42:19
he quits teaching forever. This little five year
42:22
old just owns you so bad that you're like a grown
42:25
ass, like, you know, educated Jewish man. And
42:29
you're like, I can't, you know, I can never teach
42:31
letters again. And so Jesus was like, well, he's
42:37
like, watch this and makes all the blind people
42:39
see again. And he brings back all the kids that
42:43
he killed and nobody fucked with Jesus anymore.
42:46
They're just like, OK, well, clearly we don't
42:51
fuck with that one. So time goes on and Jesus
42:55
is up like playing on a roof. He's like eight
42:57
now. Time goes on and he's like playing on a
42:59
roof with some other kid. it's you know those
43:02
flat roof houses and this kid falls off the roof
43:05
while they're playing and the parents blame jesus
43:09
they're like oh i mean you've got a track record
43:11
uh you totally killed our kid and jesus was like
43:15
it wasn't me And so he goes down to the shower.
43:19
It wasn't me. Exactly. He pulls a shaggy. So
43:25
he goes down to the street where the kid's still
43:28
fucking laying and he brings the kid back to
43:31
life just so the kid will tell his parents that
43:34
Jesus didn't kill him. And then like while the
43:37
parents are like so ecstatic to have their kid
43:39
back, he lets the kid die again. He's just like.
43:43
that's it you can go back to death because it
43:45
was a natural death natural death it was meant
43:46
to be jesus cast speak with dead yeah yeah five
43:51
questions that's the you know what i know my
43:53
dnd five questions is all you get that's all
43:54
you get yeah jesus asked five times did i kill
43:57
you and he's like no no no so uh jesus was kind
44:03
of like right about stuff and he does some like
44:06
crazy miracles and stuff like uh my favorite
44:11
one here is like he He literally stretched the
44:14
length of some of his dad's lumber so that the
44:17
wood would be the right length for a project
44:20
he was making. Like it was too short. So just
44:22
like in the movie, he made those shelves too
44:24
short because he's a shitty carpenter. So he
44:29
did that, which was pretty cool. And apparently
44:33
he never learned to read. in these like they
44:36
three times they try to get teachers for Jesus
44:40
to teach him how to read like he knows all this
44:42
stuff and like at one point like somebody tries
44:45
to teach him his letters and he goes so hard
44:47
on this guy like he gives like the most like
44:51
divine description of the very first letter of
44:55
the alphabet like enough to like make this guy
44:57
like shatters his soul he's like how can I know
45:00
anything when this guy knows like the shape and
45:03
the rhythm and the like the the like depth of
45:07
you think you know the letter a alpha like jesus
45:11
christ so uh joseph gets him like a second teacher
45:15
after zach uh this guy's name is levi if i remember
45:18
right uh and this teacher fights jesus and totally
45:22
slaps him so jesus just straight kills him i'm
45:26
still hung up on how we went from jesus cast
45:29
speak with dead to performing miracles Like stretching
45:32
wood. Bring back the dead. Close up magic. So
45:39
after he kills his second teacher, Levi, Joseph
45:42
and Mary ground him. So they lock him in the
45:47
house. You're not allowed to leave the house
45:49
because you keep fucking killing people. Don't
45:51
do any close up magic on this fucking lock. It's
45:53
very hardcore. Don't even think about moving
45:56
my two by four either. So after that, a third
46:01
dude is like, you know what? I think I got this.
46:04
I could change him. I can teach Jesus. So Jesus
46:07
goes to school like he just comes in and he's
46:10
like complimentary and he's nice to Jesus. And
46:12
so Jesus goes to school with him and he just
46:15
impresses everybody. And the teacher, like instead
46:18
of like trying to get him to do what he wants,
46:20
he's just like, oh, yeah, go on, like speak your
46:22
mind, like just just do it. And so Jesus just
46:25
kept speaking and the teachers. say he did like
46:30
great and essentially it's like you graduated
46:33
so he went to school for a day and the teachers
46:36
were like you got it all man we don't need to
46:39
do anything everybody claps as he leaves and
46:42
he probably he's like homecoming prince amongst
46:46
men all those rivals are wiping a tear of joy
46:49
out of their eyes god i begrudgingly love this
46:52
okay so his last two teachers went blitheringly
46:56
insane third teacher was like you're good you
46:59
graduate here's your diploma leave yeah i guess
47:01
smart yeah and so they were just cool so as like
47:05
a i don't know like a parting gift to the school
47:08
jesus was like you know you were cool so i'll
47:10
bring back that last teacher that i killed like
47:13
teacher three you're cool I'll let Levi come
47:18
back. So he does. And he does more like good
47:20
miracles and stuff. And everybody decided that
47:22
he was holy or something. But yeah, so he like
47:26
he gets all like holy and stuff. And so one time,
47:29
like his parents and he were going to like Jerusalem
47:32
for Passover. And when they were leaving, Jesus
47:35
was just like, you know what I'm going to do?
47:38
I'm going to fucking hide out. and stay and they
47:41
leave without him and they just don't realize
47:43
like they think he was in the back of the wagon
47:45
home alone yeah he home alone himself in jerusalem
47:48
and joe pesci shows up and they figure out he's
47:53
not there they like run back to go find him and
47:56
jesus was just like they looked for him for like
47:59
three days and tell me he threw a party they
48:02
found him in one of the temples and he was just
48:04
surrounded by all the like priests and scholars
48:07
giving like theological just like debates and
48:10
like not being mean but like talking to people
48:13
and like going back and forth the few things
48:15
that's actually in like regular new testament
48:17
too yeah so and some of these things are actually
48:20
like also referenced in the quran and uh the
48:25
the torah maybe i don't remember i don't know
48:28
no probably not the torah yeah that kind of predates
48:31
this yeah um other things though But so his parents
48:34
chew him out for sneaking off. It's in Torah
48:36
2. Torah 2. The revenge. He just kind of brushes
48:41
it off. And then like a bunch of ladies were
48:44
like, oh, my God, to marry. They're like, oh,
48:47
my God, you birthed God. You're so cool and great.
48:49
And that's where she kind of gets into her like.
48:53
super cool like i'm the mother of god like uh
48:57
state yeah and so everybody that's the one yeah
49:02
then yeah and then everybody's cool and jesus
49:05
stops acting like a bitch so part of that was
49:09
a retelling of what sean went through in the
49:13
first grade I was going to say, I'm like, am
49:15
I Jesus? Yeah. How many of your teachers did
49:20
you kill and then bring back? Oh, none of them.
49:23
None of them have been brought back. Bring back
49:26
Sister Amanda. All right, Josie, what are your
49:31
final thoughts on this one? I would rewatch it
49:36
just to see what I actually missed now that I
49:39
know more things. i want that movie it was super
49:44
vague yeah i want this mixed with bright burn
49:47
oh my god i mean that's kind of what this is
49:51
and it's what i feel like it's spiritually what
49:54
it spiritually what it wants to be but yeah no
49:59
i feel like it needs to go harder one way or
50:02
the other it's very middle of the road until
50:05
the last the third act is when it's like this
50:08
is the movie we should have had the whole time
50:10
Yeah, I want more moody team Jesus. I wanted
50:13
more horror elements. I know you guys aren't
50:16
horror people, but I am. So you can do some fucked
50:18
up shit with that. You're right. It's like do
50:20
more like crazy murking people off or like miracles,
50:24
you know, like both of those things are fascinating
50:26
to watch. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Just have Jesus like
50:29
wither somebody. Whoa. Yeah. Yeah. all right
50:35
so uh on the cage oh on the cage spectrum good
50:38
cage bad cage bad cage good cage good bad bad
50:40
good i'm going bad cage yeah yeah that's fair
50:46
that's fair yeah i mean just because he's a carpenter
50:50
it doesn't like it doesn't excuse those wooden
50:53
wooden deliveries like my faith is shaken but
50:59
i mean like That's pretty cool because Joseph
51:02
was a total dick about religion in the in the
51:05
text as well. That's true. So it's like, well,
51:07
I mean, like, really, everything's pretty close.
51:09
It just missed. Shitty cage, like an OK movie.
51:15
Yeah, I'm with it. I would watch it again. I'm
51:18
curious, but there's no chance that I would ever
51:22
watch this movie. If not for the cast that it
51:25
has. We could get some peyote and watch it. I'm
51:28
sure that would make this movie interesting.
51:30
Yeah, we can watch more of that. Like Horned
51:32
Snake. Yeah. Horny Snake. Here was the research
51:36
I did after watching this movie. Google. Did
51:39
Jesus ever kill someone with the force? AI overview?
51:43
No. According to the canonical gospels, Jesus
51:46
did not kill anyone with the force. Yeah. So
51:48
you got to ask Grok on Twitter. It'll tell you
51:50
that Elon Musk is like hotter than Jesus or that
51:54
Jesus was a Nazi or that Jesus was a Nazi. Whatever.
51:58
I would give this one a skip. Fair enough. I
52:03
mean, it made no money for it again. Well, not
52:06
many people did. It made one hundred thousand
52:11
dollars. Oh. I had so many like I had such a
52:15
hard time finding this film playing at a reasonable
52:17
hour, like most nights I couldn't find a screening
52:20
before 10 p .m. Sunday, there was like I found
52:25
a 630 showing, but I had to drive out to Tiger
52:28
to like. See it, which is just like that's a
52:32
weird amount of like distance to drive for a
52:34
movie I don't want to see. But are obligated
52:38
to see. Yeah, this is my cross to bear. That's
52:44
all folks. That's all I got. And now it's everyone
52:45
else's cross to bear. Yeah. Well, thank you all
52:47
for listening. And next up, we actually are going
52:50
to do Grindhouse. I know I said that last time,
52:51
but then this movie came up and I had forgotten
52:53
that it was on the agenda. So Grindhouse coming
52:56
up with Cage Dancer John. So thank you to our
52:59
Sparkle Buddies, Josh, Josie. Hello, Josie. That's
53:02
me. That's you. Thanks, Josie. Matt, Adam, Bill,
53:04
Stuart, and Willow. And to our Cage Dancers,
53:06
John, Freeman, Nathan, and Cameron. And to Bill
53:08
Panks for our intro music. Yeah, I don't know.
53:12
yay jesus hey boo satan don't forget kids they
53:18
pay us enough money and you can be on our show
53:20
too that's right once one time Does he know this
53:46
one? Only the good ones know the thumb trick.
53:53
I think that was on one of the scrolls that I
53:55
didn't catch on Wikipedia.