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Dancing With The Dead Person at Their Funeral? · Questionable Detour

0:00
Excuse me, what is going on here? But first we're
0:05
going to make a little detour. So absurd, so
0:10
questionable. Yeah, I guess we're just the weirdos.
0:15
Expect the detour. Alright, you cannot see us
0:25
because this is a podcast, but Evan has come
0:28
into the studio wearing a I Heart New York hat.
0:33
His shirt says The Big Apple. He's wearing a
0:36
fanny pack. He's wearing a pair of Birkenstocks.
0:40
No socks. Letting them breathe. Evan, do you
0:43
want to tell us why you're wearing this? Alan,
0:46
how would you describe this attire? It's very
0:48
touristy attire. So I just got back from a little
0:53
weekend sprawl out to the Big Apple. Went to
0:56
go see all the big buildings, connect with some
0:59
of my compatriots in the Italian villages. Were
1:02
you upset that there were very few apples up
1:05
there? Because I assume you're excited because
1:08
you're a fruit. Oh. What were you expecting?
1:11
You're hearing the name Big Apple. You're expecting
1:14
big old apples. I mean, you go to Philadelphia.
1:19
It's the city of brotherly love. You go there,
1:21
you see a bunch of dudes kissing. They're related.
1:27
Exactly. Since you're back from New York, is
1:32
there any chance you're mobbed up yet? So I went
1:34
to this tasty little Italian place. I told y
1:37
'all this, but I was speaking the language. And
1:40
you called yourself a tasty little Italian? I
1:42
did. I said, I'm a tasty little Italian up in
1:45
this tasty little Italian joint. If you're in
1:47
here, you're a tasty little Italian. And that's
1:51
because I was in an Olive Garden. And if you're
1:54
here, you're a tasty little Italian. You just
1:56
went to an Olive Garden? Yeah, the one on Times
1:57
Square. It's a tasty little Italian joint. I
2:02
went in there, and I was speaking the language
2:03
to them, and I was ordering my lasagna and my
2:07
linguine, and they were like, man, this guy.
2:11
He's from the homeland. He's from Rome. So we
2:14
got to get this guy in the mob. We got to get
2:17
him in. They were talking about respecting families
2:19
and whatnot. You were like, I respect families.
2:23
I've been to the city of brotherly love. Exactly.
2:26
Who knows families better than me? To answer
2:29
your question, Alan, yeah, I'm mobbed up now.
2:31
I'm in the mobs. Mobbed up and bricked up. That's
2:35
what I'm talking about. You're just kind of waiting
2:36
on that call. Waiting on that call for, hey,
2:39
we need you, a car, and a... a couple of trash
2:41
bags and get a job done. You are wearing a fedora
2:45
on top of your new, I love New York hat. Just
2:49
you're encompassing everything. And there's like
2:51
a squat 80 year old Italian man sitting behind
2:54
you. And he's just kind of nodding just to approve
2:59
what you're saying. Yeah. I brought him back
3:02
in my carry on. It's like a Yoda situation. Mob
3:07
rules. It's your little conciliary. He's training
3:11
me on how to be a mobster. It's like a ride -along
3:13
situation with the police. You've got to ride
3:16
along with one before you can become one. I see
3:20
you have a lot of rings on your fingers, so that's
3:22
good. You've marked that off the list. How many
3:26
horses have you killed? How many have you gotten
3:28
in the mail lately? None so far. They usually
3:32
end up in the bed, right? That's a mob bit. You
3:35
leave a horse head in the bed. That's where we're
3:38
supposed to go? You've been sitting through the
3:40
USPS? How many stamps are you using for that?
3:45
I'm at least six in. So weird that you haven't
3:47
gotten one yet. Did you put an address on any
3:50
of them? Or are you just rapid firing them out
3:53
into the world? Well, you wrap them up in newspaper.
3:56
I wonder if the blood getting through the newspaper
3:58
may have tipped off UPS. But I just put it to
4:01
Zach. They'll make it to him. Yeah. Like, they
4:06
know. Like, I'm the mob. They should know where
4:08
my enemies are. Could you imagine that poor postal
4:11
worker getting the sixth horse head? I'm like,
4:14
it's still two Zach. We don't know who this is.
4:18
Just put a zip code. All right. So maybe you
4:22
just haven't entered that level of mob training
4:24
yet. I guess not. I guess I didn't know where
4:27
it was supposed to go. The little mobster behind
4:30
you is just shaking his head disappointedly.
4:31
Yeah. Have you bought a giant Lincoln? car from
4:35
the 1990s yet. They gave one to me. Okay, they
4:38
just issued one. It's like a company car. Badge
4:41
and a gun. And a car. What badge did they give
4:45
you? It's an Olive Garden nameplate that you
4:49
click on there. It's like magnet. You put the
4:52
other magnet on the backside. Is he just working
4:55
at an Olive Garden? Did he go to New York and
4:56
just get a job? I kind of worry that's what happened.
5:00
I don't think he knows it, though. Yeah, he works
5:02
at Olive Garden, but it's just saying that he's
5:04
in the mob now. I hate to break it to him. So
5:07
who's this guy? It's actually his manager. He's
5:12
my manager. He's begging me to come back to work.
5:16
Now that I say that, I do see the black apron
5:18
he has on and the black no -slip shoes. I think
5:22
the guy was telling Evan, when you're here, you're
5:24
family, and Evan just assumed that sounds kind
5:27
of mob -like. When you're here, you're family.
5:32
Now I see that the rings that I previously pointed
5:36
out are just the napkin rings that just kind
5:39
of keep their napkins rolled up. So I'm no detective,
5:42
but I feel like we've landed on what's happening
5:45
here. Well, guys, I hate to say that you're wrong,
5:48
but you're wrong. I mean, I would never work
5:52
on a Saturday. You've just been killing horses
5:54
and sending them via mail. Just unpurposely now.
5:58
Would you watch the sitcom that's based around
6:00
Evan and his manager behind him and Plug working
6:02
at Olive Garden? Absolutely, I would. Mostly
6:06
for the little man. He's kind of cute. He's small.
6:10
He's like a white girl's Pomeranian dog in a
6:13
purse. Well, one thing before we go. Have you
6:16
been confused that the mob has been paying you
6:18
via paycheck for minimum wage? I didn't think
6:22
it was weird. I mean, they do things legally.
6:24
If you know anything about the mob... They like
6:26
to keep things above board. Sure. Okay. Okay.
6:29
Well, that settles it. Evan, congratulations
6:32
on the new job at Olive Garden. Don't bring a
6:34
gun into Olive Garden. No. And threaten the patrons.
6:39
I'll let my manager tell me that. He's right
6:42
behind you. And he hasn't said it, has he? That
6:45
is true. He hasn't explicitly said it. That's
6:48
a little concerning. We're just going to move
6:50
on. Welcome back, I guess, Evan. Welcome to Questionable
6:53
Detour. Let's do a hypothetical. Dave, can I
6:55
pose a somewhat abstract, purely hypothetical
6:58
question? I guess I want to apologize for asking
7:01
a hypothetical question. Well, that's a hypothetical
7:04
question. We don't have to talk about this, but
7:06
Evan just got back from a pee. Between the intro
7:10
segment and this segment, a little behind the
7:12
scenes. Full transparency. Yeah, we like to pull
7:14
back the curtain while Evan's peeing, just see
7:17
how he's doing, make sure the stream is tight.
7:20
And for people keeping track at home, that's
7:22
his one and only. He doesn't get another one
7:24
this episode. Zach and I have not had ours, so
7:27
we're still on the board. All right. For this
7:32
hypothetical, we're going to talk about one of
7:35
the situations that everybody goes through. The
7:38
inevitable. We're going to talk about death.
7:40
But we're not going to talk about specifically
7:42
death. We're going to talk about how death is
7:44
handled in modern society. And that's with a
7:47
funeral. Now, just like with any capitalistic
7:49
society, even death has been monetized. I want
7:52
to know, if you run a funeral home, how does
7:54
that work? So that's a hypothetical today. How
7:56
do y 'all run a funeral home? People have important
8:00
milestones in their lives. The day they get married,
8:03
they have a first dance. The day their children
8:06
are born. Big day. And then the day they die
8:09
is also a big day. And things people don't get
8:13
during their funerals that when I'm running a
8:15
funeral home, I want to make sure people have
8:17
the chance to get that. And by chance to get
8:19
that, I mean are forced to do. So much like a
8:22
wedding, there's a first dance, but people don't
8:25
get to track their last dance. And a lot of people
8:27
don't get a last dance. So what I like to do
8:33
is a puppeteer on string. Okay. Yep. This is
8:38
a puppeteer on string situation. And from a catwalk
8:41
above the funeral that is happening, I like to
8:49
give people their last dance. And I don't want
8:51
this to just be a lifeless body. So, of course,
8:55
I've rigged up these puppeteer strings and I
8:57
dance for them with their loved ones. We'll do
9:00
a waltz. We'll do a salsa even if that's what
9:02
they want. So you're dancing with the body? I'm
9:04
puppeteering the body from the catwalk so the
9:07
body looks alive. Well, looks alive is probably
9:10
a strong word. Drained of blood, but alive. Sure.
9:14
Filled with formaldehyde. Sure. Smelling good.
9:17
Hey, all makeuped up, though. Plenty of blush
9:22
on to make them look alive. And I let the family
9:25
come up one by one, pick whatever song they choose,
9:29
and let them go to dancing. Unless I go to town
9:33
there and I know you. I know you. Let me ask
9:38
you this. Does the family know this is going
9:40
to happen? Or is this more of a surprise situation
9:43
where you lead them to believe it's going to
9:45
be a traditional funeral? And they walk into
9:47
this funeral chapel thinking that, you know,
9:50
the pews, maybe some flowers, maybe just a picture
9:52
of their deceased loved one. But rather. It looks
9:56
like the Michael Jackson concert. There's smoke.
9:59
There's lights. And in the center stage, it's
10:02
there. It's old grandpa. He's all limp over.
10:06
Did you get one for his head? Did you have a
10:08
line to his head? Or is he just kind of head
10:10
looking down as his body's just kind of doing
10:13
a T pose? There's no real good connection point
10:16
on the head. So you can't really put a string
10:18
there. So there's a lot of suicides that would
10:20
beg to differ there. That's just the neck. That's
10:22
not holding your head up. All right. You're the
10:24
expert. That's true. But the thing is, I like
10:26
to provide a service for these people. So I don't
10:29
tell them this. I like to give them this little
10:31
surprise. It's a surprise. And they walk in.
10:33
Sure, the coffin's there. It's in the back. It's
10:36
there. But there is a large dancing floor. Most
10:40
of the room is a dancing floor. We took out all
10:42
the pews. Are there strobe lights? Is there a
10:46
disco ball? Of course. It's a celebration of
10:50
death. So the smoke. That fills the room is the
10:54
small little campfires that I built in the sides.
10:56
I was going to ask, is it a normal smoke machine
10:58
or is it light arson? I can't afford a smoke
11:00
machine. I can't afford a smoke machine. You
11:02
guys know me. You can afford some wood and some
11:05
lighter fluid, though. Who can't? So they walk
11:09
in. Their loved one is standing like Jesus resurrected.
11:13
Sure. With his head down, of course. Is he wearing
11:15
robes or is he wearing just normal, you know,
11:18
pantsuit? Of course. It's a proper funeral. He's
11:21
going to be. and pants and a suit. He's going
11:24
to look good going to the grave. And just like
11:27
Zach mentioned earlier with the Michael Jackson,
11:29
the color is drained from his face just like
11:32
Michael Jackson. Just like Michael Jackson. And
11:34
you've done some light plastic surgery work on
11:36
his face to maybe make him look rejuvenated.
11:39
Yeah, I take the nose down a little bit. Peel
11:44
the skin back a little bit. Make it taut, you
11:46
know? Yeah. So that it does resemble, one could
11:50
say it resembles Michael Jackson. Okay, okay.
11:52
I'm getting a better picture here, Alan. You
11:55
keep saying we. Who else is involved here? Me
11:57
and my neighbor. She's a small elderly woman
12:02
that has been helping with these procedures since
12:06
I was a wee boy. She's been showing me the ropes
12:08
on embalming. Ah, okay. Is she alive? Let's assume
12:12
here she's dead. She died 10 years ago. Evan
12:15
is now puppeteering her, teaching him how to
12:18
do plastic surgery on dead bodies. Yeah, I think
12:21
that's how Evan got into the business is she
12:24
said, my life is ending. I am your first. I'm
12:31
your first. What are you? Body. You have to.
12:36
better that's not any better i'm your first patient
12:40
yeah yeah now everything i've taught you you
12:43
will now use to put on a show for my funeral
12:46
yeah you now reanimate me but she's vietnamese
12:50
so all of that was just in vietnamese very high
12:54
pitched and he didn't understand any of that
12:56
i don't think it was it was probably let me out
12:59
i need to see my family evan took it yes yeah
13:02
please embalm in reanimate me during my funeral
13:05
as I dance to Michael Jackson's Thriller. And
13:12
is she kind of a backup dancer to the feature
13:15
star of that funeral? Maybe you're puppeteering
13:19
both somehow? We like to involve as many people
13:22
as we can. So if she's in the background, dance,
13:26
support dancing, she'll maybe do outfit changes
13:29
for him whenever he needs to rip off outer garment
13:33
that reveals a different garment underneath.
13:36
She'll be the one that takes that away and kind
13:38
of hauls it off stage, you know, to get it out
13:40
of the way. She's kind of more of a stage hand
13:42
than an actual backup dancer. Alan, while I could
13:45
ask this to Evan, seeing as he's the one that's
13:49
doing this, how do you imagine Evan? Puppeteering
13:52
multiple individuals, marionette style. I like
13:55
to think that he is akin to kind of Edward Scissorhands.
13:59
And somehow each finger is attached to one of
14:04
the limbs of the bodies he's controlling. And
14:07
he's almost a stationary man up there on the
14:09
catwalk. And he's just moving his fingers. And
14:13
each movement is going to move a limb. You have
14:15
very strong fingers. I do. I've been working
14:19
on it. Like Alan said. The rest of my body does
14:22
not move. It's just my fingers. I'm up there
14:24
kind of looking like Vecna, just kind of up.
14:27
My soul has left my body, basically. You're also
14:30
hanging from strings. And you also have no nose
14:34
like Vecna. Exactly. And I'm just, I'm so concentrated.
14:39
You would think. That my soul has left my body.
14:42
Because for all intents and purposes, my soul
14:44
is in the body. My consciousness is in the body
14:48
of these marionette dolls that I'm puppeteering
14:50
below me. That's a very artistic answer. Yes.
14:53
Okay, so I'm glad we settled what you look like
14:56
because I thought you were going to be the DJ.
14:58
That's my other neighbor, Gary. Okay. An elderly
15:01
gentleman who passed five years ago. I'm marionetting
15:05
him as a DJ. Okay, yes. So you don't have any
15:08
living help. And you also didn't venture out
15:12
very far to find help. It's all neighbors. You
15:14
went to the old neighbors, not even the young
15:17
neighbors. I moved into a retirement village.
15:20
I was about to say, you have a lot of old people
15:22
around you. But I guess that's good for business,
15:24
though. You know, here on Questionable Detour,
15:26
we like to kind of see how things work out live.
15:30
So me and Alan are going to maybe go to one of
15:33
Evan's funerals. Maybe Alan's grandfather died,
15:37
and I'm kind of accompanying him, being that
15:39
shoulder to cry on, and we've hired Evan's Funeral
15:42
Home. I assume it has a better name than that.
15:45
But we're going to... It doesn't... Nope. I don't
15:49
know. It's just Evan's Funeral. All right, Alan.
15:55
Your grandfather died. I'm sorry to hear it.
15:57
Yeah, yeah. The funeral's set up. We're here,
16:00
right outside. The funeral home does not look
16:03
great. It is in the back of a Wendy's. Like,
16:07
it's not in the Wendy's, but there's a building
16:08
behind the Wendy's. There's a couple cars with
16:10
no tires on it. Yeah. It's not looking good.
16:14
I'm sorry you didn't have the money to put your
16:16
grandfather's funeral in a higher tier. Yeah,
16:19
it's very tough. Everybody in our family is unemployed.
16:21
But we're just really hoping that this day goes
16:25
well. We want to see him laid to rest peacefully.
16:30
He lived a hard life, so it'll be good to just
16:32
see him there laying down. peaceful. He lived
16:37
a hard life and he was unemployed? He did, yeah.
16:41
Sounds like he was laying down a lot to begin
16:43
with. I've never known anybody that was unemployed
16:46
that didn't live a hard life. You know? But it
16:50
was just good to just be able to rest in the
16:53
silence of this funeral. I hope, yeah, I do hope
16:58
it's sanctimonious. I hope it's reverent. Yeah.
17:02
You know, maybe some light organ music playing.
17:05
in the background it's interesting i'm seeing
17:08
like purple light like strobing in from the door
17:12
i do i do see it you can see it around the frame
17:14
of the door maybe that's pictures being taken
17:17
in my chest and it's not my heart from the sadness
17:19
it's like you know like a like when a car with
17:23
20 inch rim goes by like it's a base i'm feeling
17:26
in there um i'm just hoping that it's quiet enough
17:29
where you can hear light whimpering I'm sure
17:32
that stuff is next door. Yeah, probably the Wendy's,
17:35
right? I mean, Wendy's is known to have a party.
17:37
All right, well, I mean, I know you're dreading
17:39
this, buddy, but I think we should probably go
17:42
in and just kind of face the inevitable, you
17:44
know? Yeah, let's go ahead and just get this
17:47
over with. Hey, welcome in. Scary Gary on the
17:53
DJ set here. Everybody make your way down to
17:56
the dance floor. We're going to start off with
17:58
something hot for the lovers. Are there any single
18:03
ladies or single men here? Let's put our hands
18:06
up. Everybody file in. Zach Allen, I see you
18:12
back there. You'll make your way down. Everybody
18:17
get your motherfucking hands off. Zach, is that
18:22
granddad hanging from the ceiling? He's slowly
18:27
dropping like a church's Christmas musical right
18:30
now. And he's doing all the single ladies dance.
18:35
He's actually doing a pretty good job. I thought
18:37
you said your grandfather died. He's incredibly
18:39
fluid. I thought he died. I mean, he definitely
18:42
looks... He looks dead. I can see through his
18:45
skin. He doesn't look great. He looks dead, but
18:47
he's moving with the grace of a gazelle. He's
18:52
doing a lot of hip thrusts now. I don't enjoy
18:54
that. Too many. Too many, I think. They're aggressive
18:58
hip thrusts. Now, I'm also seeing... And multiple
19:01
other very looking dead people dancing behind
19:05
him. What was the paperwork like here? I thought
19:08
this was going to be a very traditional funeral.
19:10
This doesn't seem traditional at all. I got to
19:13
say, it kind of fell into my lap. Guy Evan reached
19:16
out. He said he'd be more than happy to cover
19:18
expenses. What did you say his name was? Evan.
19:21
Evan. Okay, yes. How did he reach out? Because
19:24
I think I've heard about this guy terrorizing
19:26
the community. Ended up, I think he lives under
19:29
my home. He appeared under the floorboards one
19:32
day. He said he's got a team, a Vietnamese woman,
19:37
and Scary Gary said they would come and handle
19:40
everything. This is Scary Gary. Scary Gary's
19:43
here to play some Celine Dion. I didn't realize
19:47
everyone was going to change music here. That's
19:49
going to make me edit more. You're welcome. Oh,
19:53
it's a DJ. What, is he supposed to stay on one
19:56
song the whole time? I didn't realize you took
19:59
the DJ thing seriously. I'm glad we could all
20:02
be here to just remember John, Alan's grandfather.
20:06
Oh, his name wasn't, his name, your grandfather's
20:08
wasn't John, his name wasn't John. No, it was
20:10
Stuart. We're all here. This is his favorite
20:12
song, John. ripped this in before he passed.
20:16
He wrote this note down of all his favorite songs.
20:19
He died in a car accident instantly. He said
20:22
number one was Wonderwall by Oasis. So we're
20:29
going to play that one here for us. So everybody
20:31
get in close. Okay. Wonderwall. It's an odd DJ
20:35
choice. Alan, do you see the one backup dancer
20:37
Rigor Mortis has already set in? Not a lot of
20:39
movement coming out of those limbs. No, no, no,
20:41
no. It looks like a pirate waddling back and
20:44
forth. I'm seeing a string of cables. Oh, I'm
20:47
seeing the cables too. It's standing upwards
20:49
and there are many cables. Oh, look up there.
20:53
Do you see this man hanging from the rafters
20:54
right now? He looks like... He looks like a spider
20:58
with the amount of cables coming off of him.
21:01
And he has a mic. He looks like a Backstreet
21:03
Boy with the mic on his ear. Yeah, he looks like
21:06
Madam Web from the movie Madam Web. I can only
21:10
assume. Everyone, get your hands off the dead
21:13
man. John strung up very precariously here. Can't
21:18
be too close. Who's touching him? All of Alan's
21:21
family. They seem very investigative. Well, at
21:26
every funeral we have, we give the customary
21:28
handshake. The family is lined up to do that.
21:32
Okay. I thought they were searching his pockets
21:34
for any goods or items that he might have left.
21:36
They're just kind of rummaging and pickpocketing
21:38
him. Alan's being very vague. He means, by handshake,
21:41
he means butt slap. Ah, okay. I don't know how
21:44
Evan is hearing this. This music's very loud.
21:46
It's right under me. Well, I mean, Alan. Is this
21:51
how you wanted your grandfather to be sent off?
21:53
Like, is this, are you happy with this? You know,
21:55
it wasn't what I planned, but I am coming around
21:58
to it. You know, seeing him enjoy life in a way
22:01
that he didn't when he was living. Just, it's
22:03
really opening my eyes and I'm kind of coming
22:05
around to it. I think I might hire him the next
22:08
time we have a death in the family. Glad to hear
22:10
that. Wow, Evan, that's fantastic. I mean, I
22:15
can see how... Your business is doing so well,
22:17
you basically got a repeat customer here. Alan
22:20
might kill a family member just to have another
22:22
funeral at your place. Evan's Funeral Home. Happily
22:26
named. That's the feedback we usually get is
22:28
all positive. No one's ever terrified by their,
22:32
or mortified by seeing their dead relatives up
22:35
and active. That's great, Evan. But Alan, how
22:39
do you run a funeral home? What's that like?
22:41
Well, obviously when you're dealing with a death,
22:46
of a loved one. That's tough for the family.
22:49
That's tough for the friends. So I want to make
22:51
this as easy as possible. Now, a lot of people,
22:54
what they do is a funeral home will display the
22:57
body in a casket. I do something a little bit
23:00
different. I do what's called an inside -out
23:03
funeral. Oh, cool. Oh, God. You're going to have
23:07
to explain that. You can't let our imaginations
23:09
run on that one. You see, I think you'd get to
23:12
it pretty quickly. Similar to how the ancient
23:17
Egyptians would remove an organ and put it in
23:22
a terracotta vase and bury it in a tomb, I remove
23:27
all of the organs of the person, and I just kind
23:30
of bottle them up in a series of mason jars,
23:34
varying sizes, and I arrange the organs in the
23:38
way that they would have been in the person's
23:40
body, and I display them in... front of the pews
23:45
at the funeral parlor. So this is like a weird
23:49
estate sale? By organs, I assume you mean the
23:53
bodily organs, not the musical instrument? Not
23:55
the musical instrument, definitely the bodily
23:57
organs. You were confused about that at first.
23:59
I wanted to get into organ sales before I got
24:03
into this, and strange turn of events led me
24:06
to not actually selling organs, but selling organs.
24:10
Yes, okay. So you've now... harvested the human
24:13
organs yeah you put them in front of the pews
24:16
is it are they tables or their shelves because
24:18
evan are you with me here it sounds like he's
24:20
he has an estate so like he's he's now selling
24:23
these organs back to the family members yeah
24:25
it does sound like that yeah it looks like an
24:28
operating table it's just one big long table
24:31
and the organs are just are put in the position
24:34
that they would be inside the person had the
24:37
person been laying down on the table. So you're
24:38
basically recreating their body without the skin
24:41
and bones. Yes. Ah, okay. And what's your motivation
24:44
behind this? Is it... Big question's why, I guess,
24:48
yeah. I need to know your motivation. Are you
24:51
trying to be kind of like a God -type figure
24:54
and letting them see all the parts that they
24:57
couldn't see of this person fleshed out over
24:59
their life? Yeah, Alan's like, you saw a lot
25:02
of this person. You didn't see everything. Initially,
25:04
it's just really the love of the game. But yeah.
25:10
What's the game? You know, just the funeral game,
25:14
you know? Scarring family. scarring families
25:18
but it's like evan said you know a lot of people
25:21
what they feel at a funeral is regret they're
25:24
like well i didn't know this person as well as
25:27
i hoped i would well you're never gonna know
25:30
anybody better than looking at their stomach
25:32
in a jar you know like i mean that is at a base
25:36
level like you you know them better than you
25:38
did when they were alive You look at it and you
25:41
say, oh, Steve had polyps on his lungs. Yeah.
25:43
I didn't know that. Yeah. No wonder Danny died.
25:46
His heart was full of cholesterol. Yeah. The
25:49
fatty heart. You have a bunch of judgmental families
25:52
in there just talking about how unhealthy the
25:54
dead member was. They're like, well, I'm surprised
25:56
he didn't go sooner. But, you know, you had mentioned
26:01
something about selling these things, and that
26:04
is what happens. Which makes sense. I mean, nobody
26:06
gets into the harvesting organ market and not
26:09
sell them. Absolutely not. Do you sell them on
26:12
the black market? And what is the black market
26:14
to you? Zach, I'll put this politically. I'll
26:16
sell to any market. Okay. You don't see the color
26:19
of the market? I don't see the color of the market.
26:22
I just see, you know, the only color I see is
26:24
green, you know? Yeah. Just making money stomach
26:28
over lung, you know? I've got things that people
26:32
need. I do think it's weird that you called it
26:34
the African -American market, though. He was
26:36
politically correct. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. You just,
26:39
it's good to be safe. Yeah, okay. It's good to
26:41
be safe, and I... You know, always watching what
26:44
I say. So I assume the jars of organs that are
26:49
set weirdly correctly, anatomically correctly.
26:51
You know your stuff. Do they have price tags
26:53
on these jars? They do. But what it is, it's
26:56
always a starting price because... Oh, it's bidding.
27:00
It's bidding. We love crowd participation. And
27:03
so, you know, obviously the ones with the polyps,
27:06
you know, they're not going to go very high.
27:07
They're going to be reused. Yeah. You know, they're
27:09
going to be more of a... accent piece on a mantle
27:13
or something yeah yeah yeah so those obviously
27:16
not functional they're not going to be used um
27:18
the higher higher ticket items the functioning
27:21
organs they're gonna they're gonna be pretty
27:23
pricey and you also have not the steadiest of
27:26
hand so some of these don't make it out in one
27:30
full shape right they come out a little cut up
27:33
because i mean you you have constant withdrawals
27:36
but Like, you know how they are anatomically
27:40
supposed to set, but as far as your skill set
27:43
with a scabble. Trying to get them out. It's
27:45
not. So you have the refurbished or the, what's
27:49
the, the dent and, scratch and dent section.
27:54
You just have a sign over there that says 30
27:55
% off. You do BOGO sales? I do. I do. Because
28:00
you do this multiple times, I've got my remanufactured
28:03
segment. So like Evan said, I nick an organ.
28:08
Well, I've done this before. I might have a spare
28:10
in the back where I can kind of piecemeal it
28:12
together. And sure, that's not going to go full
28:15
price, but it's remanufactured. Somebody can
28:18
get it at a bit of a discount. Now, you said
28:22
that the table you do the surgeries on is sitting
28:26
right in the middle of the chapel. It is, yeah.
28:28
Okay. Is it weird that you see, like, bush hedge
28:33
clippers? Wait, back up. It's weird that you
28:38
see bush. It's probably not. You don't see bush.
28:45
But yeah, it's weird that you see hedge clippers.
28:48
I guess I'm asking, what kind of tools are we
28:50
using here to harvest these organs to then sell
28:53
at discounts and buy one, get one offers? Well,
28:55
you say it's not as weird as you think. I take
28:57
the hedge clippers and I don't use them the way
29:00
they're intended. I actually separate them into
29:02
two blades. What I've got is two sheaths on my
29:06
back. And I put both blades in the sheaths. And
29:12
when I go to dissect... You're like an action
29:17
hero ready to fight the boss villain. Yeah, you're
29:20
like Deadpool. Exactly. There's art to it. I
29:23
get to chopping, get to slicing. It's not about
29:27
just cutting it up. I mean, anybody. You are
29:30
cutting up, though. You're having a good time.
29:31
I am. I am cracking a lot of whys when I can.
29:35
Doing some two steps. I'm trying to do some crowd
29:40
work, you know? This is not just somebody, this
29:44
is not just a butcher. This is somebody who takes
29:47
pride in their work and sees it as more of an
29:51
art. I guess that makes a lot more sense why
29:54
the scratch and dent section is so big. Yeah.
30:00
It's mostly scratch and dent. Because he's dead
30:03
pulling some katanas out of his back. And they're
30:06
not sharp either. So they're... They're very,
30:10
very dull. They've been used on hedges that they
30:15
probably shouldn't have been like too large,
30:17
you know, so they're very dull. How do you normally
30:20
go about getting customers? Not everybody is
30:24
going to come to you to have their loved one
30:27
pulled apart. The place I always start off is
30:31
a Golden Corral. A lot of soon -to -be -dead
30:33
there. A lot of soon -to -be -dead, but also
30:35
that's a crowd that likes a buffet. That's a
30:38
crowd that likes to see everything displayed
30:41
on a table. And you know that if they're there,
30:47
they're not far away from being on board with
30:51
seeing just the organs of their loved ones also
30:54
displayed out similarly Golden Corral style.
30:58
Weirdly, the logic is sound. Yeah. Is your funeral
31:03
home stationary? Like, is it a one kind of brick
31:06
and mortar building? Or is it... I can probably
31:09
see you maybe like an old... apothecary doctor
31:13
from the 1800s. Maybe you load everything up
31:16
on a horse and buggy and travel town to town
31:19
with your jars of cut up organs. I do have my
31:22
own stationary building, but you know, like the
31:25
fad of food trucks, we do take it on the road.
31:28
We have an old canvas wagon, not pulled by a
31:31
horse. I cannot afford a horse. So what I do
31:33
is I just hitch that canvas wagon up to an old
31:36
Ford Pinto. It's struggling. It is struggling.
31:42
Not enough torque in that little Pinto. Yeah,
31:44
not enough torque. It may explode. That's just
31:48
the risk you run with a Pinto, though. And a
31:50
canvas wagon with wooden wheels. Yeah. I'm not
31:55
going to say it was thought through. My main
31:58
goal was we just got to get out there. We can
32:00
perfect this a little bit later on. Well, I guess
32:03
you're kind of creating your own market because
32:05
there's got to be some deaths involved with hauling
32:08
this wooden wagon. There's got to be some casualties
32:11
along the way. Yeah. But you're right on top
32:13
of the Pinto as if you're riding on top of the
32:16
wagon, right? Yeah, you're using reins on the
32:20
wheel of that Pinto riding on top of it. It is
32:23
not easy. I am sitting on the seat of the wagon
32:27
and I am... My arms are going furiously whipping
32:32
around trying to control the wheel of that Pinto.
32:37
You say ya -ya to it. I do. I treat it like the
32:41
horse it's named after and just talk to it like
32:45
it's an animal. You try to stop it with the whoa,
32:47
Bessie. Whoa. Easy now. Easy, girl. What are
32:52
you dressed as as you travel around selling organs?
32:55
Yeah, just an early pilgrim. Okay. You have knickers
32:59
and buckled shoes. Yeah, yeah. There's more buckles
33:04
on me than on a normal person these days. We
33:08
kind of lost something when we went away from
33:11
that extensive buckle. It's too easy to take
33:12
off clothes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Our pilgrims,
33:17
they were strapped up. Nobody was pantsing a
33:20
pilgrim, you know? They always said closer to
33:23
buckle, closer to God. Yeah. Yeah. They even
33:26
had buckles on their hats. I don't really, I'm
33:29
not quite sure what that was for, but they had
33:31
them. How's sales going? How's the business?
33:33
You know, there's always people dying. I think
33:35
the hard part is kind of capturing that market.
33:38
You need to find people that are willing to have
33:41
their loved ones auctioned off and piece by piece
33:46
displayed. Based on organ location, you know?
33:50
It's not something a lot of people are interested
33:52
in, but I think it's an up -and -coming market.
33:54
It's hard running a human being automotive strip
33:57
shop. Yeah. You know? Pull apart. Yeah. Yeah,
34:04
I think that's good. There's no market for it.
34:07
The market is not saturated. It's not, yeah.
34:09
I think I'm the only one doing it. Well, people
34:12
are harvesting and selling organs, but not via
34:14
covered wagon. Let's say I'm the only one doing
34:20
it this way. Yeah, they're not going to the lengths
34:22
you are. That's cool. I wish you all the best
34:25
in your business endeavors. All right, here's
34:27
how I handle a funeral home. And I think a lot
34:30
like you guys, it's very performative. But I
34:33
think there's something lost in our society.
34:35
Especially in media. And it's old westerns, right?
34:38
There's not a lot of good old westerns. You look
34:41
back in the 70s, 80s, great old westerns. It
34:44
doesn't happen anymore. No one street towns with
34:48
taverns and banks with the bars over the windows
34:53
and doors. No tumbleweeds. I see that as a missed
34:56
opportunity. So what I do, simply, is I go through
35:00
the normal funeral procession. Your loved one
35:03
dies. We have a very genuine, reverent ceremony.
35:08
You know, the last prayer is said. I roll the
35:12
casket out the back door right onto a truck,
35:14
a box truck. It has a lot of caskets on it, right?
35:17
I'm doing these funerals in rapid succession.
35:20
And then I drive that box truck out into the
35:23
middle of Arizona where I have set up an Old
35:26
West style town. One street. You know, the old
35:30
wood buildings on the side. Y 'all seen old Western
35:32
towns, right? Sure, yeah. And this town is populated
35:34
with the dead that I've collected from these
35:38
funerals. It is as classic as any old Western
35:41
can go. There's a sheriff. A dead sheriff. A
35:44
dead sheriff. Okay, got it. There's the town
35:46
mayor. There's the tavern bartender that, you
35:51
know, wise. Always with a quip. But basically,
35:53
I have set this town up as a classic old Western
35:56
town and populated it with the dead. So you've
35:59
got a town in Arizona. With a bunch of dead people,
36:04
do you call the town Tombstone? Or do you steer
36:08
away from that because it's already taken? It's
36:11
too far on the nose, is it? Yeah, well, here's
36:13
the thing. It's not as much on the nose as it
36:16
is just that factual. Ironically, a lot of dead
36:19
people in the town nary a tombstone. None of
36:21
them are buried. Also, a tombstone is where they
36:25
would go to rest. And these people are not resting.
36:27
They're not resting. They got a town to run.
36:29
Yeah. A lot of working. A lot of work to be done,
36:31
yeah. Is there also, you mentioned the barkeep,
36:33
is there also the town female companion? Absolutely
36:37
there is. I mean, this is a full old western
36:40
town with top to bottom. And basically, it's
36:43
almost like I have a giant dollhouse, right?
36:47
I mean, almost like Evan. He's puppeteering these
36:50
marionette style. I'm puppeteering them similarly,
36:53
but almost like a doll. Like, you know, a Barbie
36:56
dollhouse. You know, you have all the full house.
36:58
effect and you just kind of walk your doll around
37:01
and play out scenes play out scenarios you're
37:05
like talking for him you're oh i'm the woman
37:07
is telling the guy not to leave he's like i gotta
37:13
go move cattle west and she's like i need you
37:17
here he's like i'll be back in six to nine months
37:22
However long it takes to move these cattle. Whenever
37:24
I move them back this way. But of course, then
37:26
he gets shot by the town bandits. Of course.
37:29
He never returns, obviously. That's the sad part.
37:31
And then the sheriff has to mount a posse to
37:34
go hunt down these bandits. And of course, this
37:36
is all played by me as I move the limbs. and
37:41
also move the jaw as they speak. Oh, so they're
37:43
not just in coffins. No, no. You walk into the
37:47
town tavern, they're sitting at the table. There's
37:50
the classic tavern piano, ring -ding -a -ling
37:55
-a -ling behind everybody. A lot of cheering.
37:58
It's mostly me. Yeah, they're out and about.
38:02
It gives you the ability to stretch out your
38:03
voice work, doing all the different voices. I'm
38:07
not great at it, so it's mostly just my voice
38:09
for everybody. You have to suspend your disbelief.
38:12
And just a little higher pitched of his voice
38:14
for the women. But all the women and all the
38:17
men sound the same. There's two voices, a man
38:20
voice and a woman voice. Is this a business?
38:23
Yeah, it's a business. I go through the normal
38:24
funeral procession for the people. Oh, that is
38:27
true. Yeah. But they just never follow you to
38:29
the grave site? They just never really follow
38:31
up in general, mostly because I don't answer
38:33
their calls. Because how am I supposed to explain
38:35
to them that their loved one is now the town
38:39
whore? Yeah, that's a tough talk. It's a tough
38:42
phone call. It's a tough thing to pass along.
38:44
Are they following a hearse to a funeral home,
38:46
like an empty hearse to a gravesite? Yeah. Actually,
38:50
that's a really good idea. He just drove off.
38:54
And they were like, what's he got? Like I said,
38:58
I just kind of pushed the coffin out into the
39:00
box truck. The family member's like, it's a weird
39:02
looking hearse. And they just never... You just
39:05
got to never see me again. And what a long ride,
39:08
too, because you're not in Arizona. Nowhere near,
39:11
really. No. That's a days -long trip. Yeah. It's
39:14
not refrigerated. No. No. It's not a refrigerated
39:17
box truck. It's... We know. Normal box truck.
39:19
It's a U -Haul. I don't even have my own box
39:21
truck. Yeah. He rented this bad boy. This is
39:26
on loan. Yeah, I give it back to the U -Haul.
39:29
They're like, what is this liquid at the bottom
39:30
of this? I don't know, man. It smells like formaldehyde.
39:33
Similar to some of those old, like, 60s westerns,
39:39
do you make Indian characters, but it's just
39:42
white people dressed up in red face? Yes, but
39:44
here's the thing. Because I am so not racist,
39:47
I don't believe I should do this act on Native
39:50
Americans. You went the other way. They're not
39:52
good enough for you? No, okay. You didn't want
39:54
to give them jobs? Yes, it's almost like Johnny
40:00
Depp in the new Lone Ranger film. A white guy
40:02
just dressed up as an Indian. But there are Native
40:05
Americans. I mean, obviously that played a big
40:07
part in the Western frontier early on. So you
40:10
got to have it. I mean, this is historically
40:12
accurate. They were there for sure. I'd say they
40:14
were a pretty big part. They were probably the
40:16
part. Maybe like the main part. Yeah. So it'd
40:19
be weird to not include them. I'm glad we settled
40:21
that. I'm glad we talked about that. I'm glad
40:24
you and Alan got on the same page with that,
40:27
I guess. What types of names do you give them?
40:32
No, you give them different names. Because they're,
40:36
in my mind, a different person. Everybody in
40:38
the town is a different person. I don't need
40:40
to bring old Jeremy from Saskatchewan to Arizona
40:45
and him just be a Jeremy. That's not a cool name.
40:47
Yeah. Boring. Name him Rusty. You get clientele
40:50
from Canada? I get clientele from everywhere.
40:52
Wow. Voluntarily? Yeah. Nobody that drives a
40:57
box truck is getting people voluntarily. I would
41:03
like to... point out that, yes, the townspeople
41:06
that inhabit this are deceased, but also the
41:08
animals are deceased. So you're thinking deceased
41:12
dogs, deceased birds, that if I want to really
41:16
set up the scene, I'm just on top of the town
41:18
bank just tossing a dead pigeon across the road
41:21
to make it seem like the bird is fine, right?
41:24
Horses, deceased, right? So that makes it really
41:27
awkward for the writing scenes. Just a lot of
41:29
laying horizontally. jumping up and down. Did
41:33
you taxidermy them, or they're just rigor mortis?
41:36
I don't have the skill of taxidermy, so you really
41:39
kind of let rigor mortis set in, and they're
41:41
a little more stable at that point. It brings
41:44
me to a completely unrelated question. There
41:47
was a lot of Asian Americans that were coming
41:49
to the West. Y 'all were really going races into
41:51
this, aren't y 'all? Yeah, we're doing the Zach.
41:56
How does it feel to be on the other end of this?
42:00
I can't keep it to the 1960s, cowboy. It was
42:04
just all white people. There was a lot of people
42:07
in the 60s. Oh, God. What about the Asians? What
42:10
about the Asians that work on the railroads?
42:12
Yes, there are Asian people in this. I am not
42:16
exclusive. If you die, you could be in my town.
42:20
Do you have a railroad that goes through your
42:22
town? I have a railroad. Of course I do, yeah.
42:23
Train conductor? Dead. Dead, yeah. So it just
42:26
flies straight into the beam? Yeah, dude. You're
42:30
having to rebuild the train station. Yeah. Because
42:33
I send that train down the hill and it just wipes
42:37
the whole thing out. You just throw some coal
42:39
in and walk away. You don't know how many times
42:43
I've had to play out the scene where the sheriff
42:45
had to save the people out of the train station
42:48
multiple times. That train conductor laying on
42:52
the horn so it's loud as that thing goes through.
42:54
But the train conductor is a... Dead person?
42:57
The train conductor is a dead person as well.
42:58
He's just laying on the horns. Well, he will
43:00
be dead once he runs through the train station.
43:03
You're just making sure. That one was still kind
43:07
of twitching whenever you got him out of the
43:08
coffin. When we were talking about my business,
43:11
we had the Ford Pinto pulling the covered wagon.
43:15
Do you also treat your box truck like a stagecoach
43:19
pulling those people into the town? Yes, but...
43:24
With one caveat, it's a box truck until you reach
43:27
city limits. And once I get into city limits,
43:30
I tie the horses up to it. They're dead. But
43:33
you leave it in drive. I leave it in drive. So
43:35
eventually I'm just dragging the horses behind
43:37
me. Everybody's always happy to see me once I
43:39
arrive because I'm bringing new workers. I'm
43:42
bringing supplies. The train is not dependable.
43:48
So you're schizophrenic, right? You're doing
43:52
all these voices. Everybody's happy to see you
43:55
because you're telling yourself you're happy
43:56
to be there. The real world doesn't give me that.
44:00
Yeah. So I got to fill that hole in my heart.
44:03
And I think that's the moral of the story is
44:05
if the world's not giving you what you need,
44:07
create a town and just make everybody what you
44:11
need. Create your own reality. Lie to people.
44:13
Lie to yourself. But that's what I do for my
44:17
funeral home. If anybody wants to start a funeral
44:19
home, feel free to use our ideas. They seem to
44:23
be profitable, seem to be successful. But for
44:26
our next segment, let's give some needy people
44:29
much needed advice. How can I help? What can
44:32
I do? I want to do a nice thing for you. I need
44:36
help. We got a write in here from Austin. Austin
44:39
says, how do I let someone know I can't stand
44:42
them? Super short, super simple. I mean, he came
44:44
to the right people. Applicable situation. We
44:47
can't stand Austin. So how would y 'all show
44:48
Austin that we can't stand him? I would write
44:50
a children's book about it. It would be one of
44:53
those simple books, you know, starts off, who
44:56
can I stand? Is it the duck? No. Is it the cow?
45:00
No. Is it an obnoxious late night talk show host?
45:04
No. It's Austin. That's interesting, Alan. Maybe
45:07
let's help you write this book and really give
45:10
some content to it, you know? Is it the wrench?
45:14
No. Is it the French? Kind of. Is it Gary? No,
45:22
he's not scary. Is it Terry? No, he's the one
45:25
I want to marry. Is it the bird? No, he's not
45:30
a turd. Is it my sis? No, she's the one I want
45:35
to kiss. Is it Chris? No, he's not the one onto
45:43
who I want to piss. Wow, literally a Shakespearean
45:47
on that one. And do I hate Austin? That disgusting,
45:53
lamp -shaped Democrat. Yes. Yes. Yes, I do. The
46:03
book goes on, you know, 20, 40 pages. Of just
46:09
listing items and saying no. Listing things.
46:12
Simple sentences. Yes. Simple sentences. Crudely
46:16
drawn artwork. Very rudimentary. And then it
46:19
just ends with Austin. Yes, period. I'll tell
46:22
you what. Alan, that's probably a bestseller.
46:24
I don't know if Austin's going to be able to
46:26
really match that, but he should try. All right,
46:29
Evan, how do you tell somebody you can't stand
46:31
them? Austin, if you really want to know how
46:33
you can tell somebody that you don't like them,
46:36
what you got to do is invest in a piece of ranch
46:40
land in the southwest Texas. Gather some young
46:43
calves. Raise them from small cow to big cow.
46:49
Make them big cows so you can harvest the meat,
46:52
the hides of their skin. Ship that hide off to
46:56
a bookmaker where they can make a children's
47:00
book with the leather from your cows and have
47:04
that book that they create be the children's
47:06
book Alan is talking about. Wow. Where it just
47:09
goes into how much you hate them. We're really
47:12
seeing the logistical process of this book be
47:14
made. It's good to see start to finish on this
47:16
project. Yeah. Unfortunately, my answer, Austin,
47:19
is not gonna be in line with the manufacturing
47:23
of his children's book. I was gonna tell you
47:27
to maybe fill their bed with ants. Now, this
47:31
seems simple, but it's not. I don't mean ants
47:34
as the insect. I mean ants like middle -aged
47:38
women that is the brother or sister to your mom
47:42
or dad. aunts, A -U -N -T -S, fill their bed
47:45
with aunts. They pull the covers up. It's just
47:48
middle -aged women talking about reality TV shows,
47:51
talking about how they got their last period
47:53
last week, talking about how you don't come see
47:57
them enough. So you know three things aunts talk
48:01
about. And one of them is menstruation? Yeah,
48:05
you know, they're going through menopause. I
48:07
feel like that's what aunts talk about. Maybe
48:09
they talk about how they didn't find the right
48:12
cake mix in Walmart. That's going to be miserable
48:15
for that person. Just a bunch of middle -aged
48:17
women just sitting around gabbing. They're going
48:20
to feed off each other. They're going to encourage
48:22
each other. They're going to compare you to their
48:24
children. Yeah. Yeah. They're going to tell them
48:26
how they should really clean up the place. They're
48:29
going to give them cleaning advice. Maybe they're
48:31
going to ask the person you can't send when they're
48:33
going to get married. Ugh. When are they going
48:36
to have kids? Ugh. Everyone's going to talk about
48:38
how their feet swell. They can't fit their Crocs
48:40
anymore. Maybe they're going to ask what that
48:43
Ben Affleck's been up to lately. They're going
48:47
to ask you to turn down the AC. The other one's
48:50
going to ask you to turn it up. What do you do?
48:52
Which one do you choose? One of them's going
48:54
to ask you, does she look fat in this? She does.
48:58
She's going to ask if you've eaten today. If
49:00
you need a little pecan pie. That sounds nice.
49:03
Yeah, it does. Yeah. I mean, the answer is sometimes
49:06
good. Maybe they're going to stop by unannounced.
49:10
But there you go, Austin. Three, one and a half
49:14
pieces of advice for you. Alan's was write a
49:18
kid's book. List things you are okay with. And
49:22
at the very end, tell them how much you hate
49:24
that person. And Evan's was start a cattle and
49:27
ranch and use its leather and hides to create
49:30
the actual physical book. And mine was fill their
49:35
bed with ants. But there you go. We encourage
49:38
you to do three. We encourage you to do all three
49:40
of those, but you legally have to do one of them
49:43
by law. If you do not, we will press charges.
49:47
You will be sentenced to life in prison. But
49:50
as we end this episode, do you want to give the
49:54
Saturday workers one last piece of wisdom? Coming
49:58
up at the end of this month is Halloween. So
50:01
I think it's appropriate to tell our viewers,
50:03
our listeners, that you can trick or treat. But
50:07
you should always treat your trick. Hey. This
50:11
guy gets it. Great advice, Evan. Thank you. Treat
50:16
that trick. You a good pimp. I'm a good pimp.
50:19
I treat my ladies right. In keeping with the
50:22
Halloween theme, you can dress up as a ghost.
50:25
But don't ghost someone unless they're being
50:27
really, really annoying. You mean literally.
50:34
Literally. Don't. Literally. Don't ghost them
50:37
unless they actually deserve it. And then, you
50:40
know, put a sheet on your head and haunt them.
50:44
Absolutely. There you go. Thank you for listening.
50:46
If you have a hypothetical, if you need advice,
50:49
write us in questionabledetour at gmail .com
50:52
or leave us a voicemail. Link's in the description.
50:54
Just hit record. Sends it right to us. We don't
50:57
care what you say. Even if it's just a recording
51:00
of your hot breath. Just breathing. Evan will
51:03
like that. Yeah. He's going to listen to it.
51:05
But that's an option. You guys want to be done?
51:09
Yeah.