Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Having More Sex Can Get You Out Of Doing Shit

Transcript

Having More Sex Can Get You Out Of Doing Shit · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to this episode of the Doctor Psych
• 0:08
  Mom Show. Today we're going to be talking
• 0:11
  about how doing stuff can be avoided if you have more sex.
• 0:16
  And obviously this is a bit tongue in cheek, but many, many
• 0:20
  women tell me how completely overwhelmed and busy they are
• 0:24
  and stressed out and their husband does not help enough.
• 0:27
  And I will tell you that there is a really good way to get him
• 0:30
  to help more if he is an emotionally healthy person.
• 0:33
  And we will get to the people that this would work for and the
• 0:36
  people that it wouldn't work for.
• 0:38
  Now before that, please do subscribe.
• 0:40
  My most recent subscriber episode was on how
• 0:43
  unconditionally loving your partner, especially a man loving
• 0:46
  his wife, can provide deeper meaning and fulfillment,
• 0:49
  especially in the post baby years.
• 0:51
  And what that looks like and how I see that work for many healthy
• 0:55
  couples because as I have said repeatedly, women love the kids.
• 1:00
  That's their priority. And they love the guy too.
• 1:03
  But it's not the same. And a lot of marriages go the
• 1:06
  best when the guy loves the woman as much as the woman loves
• 1:08
  the kids, not that she doesn't love him.
• 1:11
  So if you are using this to, you know, excuse a completely
• 1:15
  sexless, loveless, cold marriage, that is not the intent
• 1:18
  obviously. And you know, to that end,
• 1:21
  obviously anybody can argue with anything, as you know, if you
• 1:24
  follow me on social media and you look at the comments.
• 1:27
  But these podcasts are designed to open up a different way of
• 1:31
  thinking, possibly that you've not thought of.
• 1:33
  Take from it what you can. Certainly there is never any
• 1:36
  need to get upset. If you find yourself somebody
• 1:39
  who gets upset by social media, then that would be something to
• 1:42
  work on with a therapist because you're obviously being triggered
• 1:45
  and it would be worthy to explore why, right?
• 1:48
  If you get triggered by social media, imagine how you get
• 1:51
  triggered by people in your real life.
• 1:54
  OK, so any who. So what are the sorts of things
• 1:59
  that women complain that guys don't do?
• 2:01
  They say they don't do exactly half of the division of Labor
• 2:05
  that obviously I have discussed ads ad nauseam.
• 2:09
  I discussed the Fair Play podcast.
• 2:12
  That was a pretty funny one, What I thought of that books,
• 2:14
  you could go back and read it, of course.
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  You know, you see it doesn't really work when the woman comes
• 2:20
  up with all of the things that have to be done and then gives
• 2:22
  him half because, you know, he doesn't agree that those things
• 2:25
  all need to be done, right. So I mean that doesn't make any
• 2:28
  sense, you know, but at some point the pendulum will swing
• 2:32
  back the other way. But either way, let's say you
• 2:34
  have a million things that you want him to do and so you also
• 2:39
  feel that you are doing a million things and for some
• 2:41
  reason he just doesn't do his million with as much, you know,
• 2:44
  assiduous care and enthusiasm as you would like.
• 2:49
  Well, what would be a way to 1st think about this?
• 2:52
  Well, is he getting his needs met would be kind of a way that
• 2:55
  you would think about it. So let's say if it was your
• 2:57
  child, right? Your child is an English class
• 3:00
  and and the teacher says that your child doesn't do anything
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  right, that your child seems unhappy and miserable.
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  Well, generally you would think if you are a parent of today's
• 3:09
  day and age, you would think, well, what is happening to my
• 3:12
  child? You wouldn't think.
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  Damn, my child's being an asshole.
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  You would instead think perhaps my child is too gifted for this
• 3:19
  class. Perhaps my child has dyslexia
• 3:21
  and can't understand what the hell is going on in this class.
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  Perhaps there is something. Perhaps my child's vision.
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  Perhaps my child cannot see the board.
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  Perhaps in some way my child is very unhappy in this class.
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  Maybe the teacher is a problem. Maybe my child is getting
• 3:34
  bullied in this class. Whatever the case may be, maybe
• 3:37
  my child needs to be in a in a different school, you know, I
• 3:41
  mean there's there's a million, a million variables that you
• 3:43
  would think about for your child, but for your husband,
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  it's really just why is he such lazy asshole, This sucks.
• 3:50
  I should have married my high school boyfriend, right?
• 3:53
  And so that should not really be where this goes to.
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  That is not a very open minded and helpful stance in your
• 4:00
  marriage. So instead you could think, I'm
• 4:03
  asking my husband to do all of these things.
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  He does do some of them. He doesn't do others of them
• 4:08
  generally. And now I I will of course get
• 4:10
  to the guy that does absolutely nothing and still gets laid all
• 4:13
  the time and there are many guys like that but not as many as in
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  this category. I'm discussing first of guys who
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  are doing some things, they're not doing some other things and
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  but they are like literally barely ever getting their needs
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  met. So if it was your child, you
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  would see that quick. You know, you would say my child
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  is not getting their needs met. They're not learning in the way
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  they need to learn. The teacher is not, you know,
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  taking their whatever into account, their learning
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  disability or their learning style or their learning
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  preference or their learning wish or whatever.
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  And but with your husband, you don't say anything like, hmm,
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  maybe this would go better if, like he got laid ever, you know,
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  and so. Or if he got laid more than
• 4:55
  every other week or whatever the case may be, because that's his
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  primary love language. And to him that's what being
• 5:00
  married really means to you. It means that you split a
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  million things down the middle. And to him, it means we have an
• 5:07
  intimate and physically and emotionally intimate life.
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  And as I've discussed so many times, I rarely, rarely see very
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  low intimacy, low sex marriages that have other forms of
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  intimacy. Very rarely.
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  In those cases, it's it's something different.
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  It's like she went through menopause and her vagina
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  literally hurts. So they do not have sex that
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  much, but they still cuddle a lot.
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  Like, there's stuff like that, you know, like, and they used to
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  have a lot of sex like that. That sort of couple I see.
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  I do not, however, frequently see the couple where they are
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  cuddly and kissy and she's very nice and loving to him and very
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  sweet, but they just never, ever have sex.
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  Or it's just every other week or something.
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  I don't see that a lot. Why don't I see that a lot?
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  Because intimacy is intimacy. I mean, it's like kind of 1
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  construct. It's like how I always talk
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  about how can you love your baby if you don't cuddle your baby,
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  if you don't hug them, if you don't feed them, if you don't
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  hold them. You can't.
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  You can't really love your baby if you don't hold your baby.
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  There's not a no touch way to parent a baby.
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  There's not a no touch way to parent a small child.
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  Really, there's there's not even really a no touch way to really
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  be a teacher of a small child. Because if you go into
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  preschools and stuff, there's lots of high fives and hugs and
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  you know, like Pat's on the back and stuff like that.
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  At least there were when my kids were were in school.
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  And that's because for somebody with a touch, love language,
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  which is most little kids and most guys and many women, there
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  is no way to be loving. If you recoil from somebody's
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  touch, there's not a different way.
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  I don't see people who are like smothering their husband with
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  loads of compliments and but they just won't touch him.
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  Like that's just nothing that I see.
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  And so the point is, is in the situations where I see that men
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  do a lot of stuff, like a lot, a lot of stuff and stuff for the
• 6:54
  woman too. You know, like they get up early
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  with the kids and they let her sleep and they do all these
• 7:00
  things around the house, and they're just so involved.
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  In addition to being a primary breadwinner, they're happy.
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  They're happy people who have a lot of energy to do all of those
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  things. And a large reason that they're
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  happy is that they're getting their needs met, and their needs
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  are frequently physical intimacy and for physical closeness.
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  So a really easy way to get out of doing even your half of the
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  chores is to have more physical intimacy, because then you have
• 7:26
  a happy partner, you know. And if you ask your partner,
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  let's say to, I don't know, do a lot of stupid shit leading up to
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  a holiday, right? Stuff that he thinks is
• 7:39
  ridiculous. Because objectively, it may be
• 7:41
  ridiculous. So he has to dust the
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  baseboards, or he has to go through the cabinets and he has
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  to get special food for every single guest that's coming.
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  And it has to be on this certain timeline.
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  And you can't do it because you are doing other things like
• 7:52
  Pinterest decorations, and it just has to go one way, your
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  specific way. And I'll get to that in a SEC.
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  And you don't know why he is not, you know, chomping at the
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  bit to do all this shit. Think about whether or not you
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  interact in a way that he finds loving.
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  If he doesn't, why the hell would he do any of it?
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  I mean, would you would you do a bunch of stupid shit you didn't
• 8:15
  want to do for somebody that you felt didn't really love you?
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  Probably not, unless you were getting paid, you know, and that
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  was your job. And in that case, you would
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  bitch and moan about your boss, but at least you would get a
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  paycheck. So what about the guys that get
• 8:27
  laid all the time and they still don't do anything?
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  There are such guys. They are assholes.
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  I mean, they are. They are kind of more avoidant
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  attachment guys. Maybe not assholes, maybe they
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  are assholes. Who knows?
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  But those are guys who are really used to getting their
• 8:41
  needs met. That's how they were raised.
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  They were raised to either see their father get a lot of sex
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  and do nothing and you could tell when your kids you know, if
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  your parents have a physically affectionate relationship or
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  not, or they themselves had to do nothing because their mother
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  or their father, mostly their mother, waited on them hand and
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  foot. So they just basically do
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  nothing and they expect sex. Also, there are guys like that.
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  I don't see a lot of them. If you're with one of them and
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  you are doing everything in addition to having sex with him,
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  then you're in a different situation.
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  And listen to one of my other podcasts like Why Women, What
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  Post, Why women who do all the housework don't want sex or a
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  podcast. There's no way to be a loving
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  husband without doing chores, so obviously the guy's got to do
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  chores, obviously. But if you want him to, do also
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  your chores and to do everything, pretty much.
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  And a lot of women do actually want this.
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  They want to sit on their phone and they want to do macro level
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  parenting stuff like possibly researching summer camps for
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  next year while the guy does a lot of physical shit around the
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  house. And that is reality.
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  And if you want that situation, which could be yours, then be a
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  loving and affectionate spouse. That's how to get it because
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  every you get more flies with honey than with vinegar.
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  And if you want somebody to be doing a whole bunch of shit and
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  you have a bunch of girlfriends who are always going on girls
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  nights and getting their nails done and sleeping in and doing
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  all sorts of stuff and they're really not really on the ball
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  with the chores because the husband takes care of that
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  stuff. I will bet you a lot of money
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  that those guys are getting laid and they are in my happy, loving
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  relationship, in which case they will do a truly astonishing
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  amount of shit. And I have this in lots of my
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  posts from, you know, from even up to like 10 years ago.
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  This was like a basic thing that I would talk about repeatedly
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  when I was younger and my clients were younger and more in
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  the thick of the parenting of young kids, where it's so
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  physical and feels like so much drudgery and you feel like you
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  just cannot do another physical thing.
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  A lot of women are very exhausted and a lot of men don't
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  understand this level of exhaustion because they don't
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  feel it, because they don't struggle with postpartum
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  depression. They don't manifest depression
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  in the same way. And women need more sleep and
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  women are literally nursing, pregnant, menstruating.
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  So anyway, they're tired a lot. So if in those cases, many guys
• 10:56
  don't realize how doing more stuff, because the converse is
• 10:58
  true as well. Doing more stuff can get you
• 11:00
  laid within a healthy relationship with a loving
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  person. So in an ideal sense, the guy
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  would be doing probably more of the physical labor around the
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  house because he's stronger and she would be doing a lot of
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  cuddling and hugging and kissing and sex, you know, and that
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  would be a happy couple. And there are many happy couples
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  like that. And if you can't imagine that,
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  then you probably grew up in a situation where one or both
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  parents felt like a martyr and did not get enough love.
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  And that is the only template available to you.
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  Now, some guys say that they do all of this shit, including most
• 11:34
  of the housework, and I have a podcast on that called Are there
• 11:37
  really Guys Who Do everything? And yes, there are and there are
• 11:41
  guys who do literally everything.
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  So their wife is depressed, or she doesn't want to do it, or
• 11:45
  she's kind of too anxious to do things, or she's just unhappy.
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  And it's basically almost a disability situation where she
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  does kind of nothing and couples don't, Not actually a
• 11:56
  disability, but she feels very overwhelmed frequently.
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  It's undiagnosed anxiety, undiagnosed depression.
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  So if we consider mental health issues to be a disability, then
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  yes. And so those guys do everything.
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  But they don't frequently tell people because it's kind of
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  embarrassing because the woman is supposed to, in theory,
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  according to popular media, be the one who does stuff in the
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  house. And of course, both humans that
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  are strong and able people are supposed to do things in the
• 12:22
  house. And a situation where somebody
• 12:24
  isn't is usually a codependent dysfunctional situation, whether
• 12:28
  it's either gender person that's refusing to do anything.
• 12:32
  But in these situations, what I'm saying is if you want to get
• 12:35
  out of, for example, your share your share of the stuff.
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  So like you guys divide cooking but you don't really want to
• 12:42
  cook all the time, well, I will bet you anything that with most
• 12:46
  men who are the higher libido partner, there's a real easy way
• 12:49
  for you to get out of your your half of the stuff.
• 12:52
  It's basically saying I am too stressed out to have a sex life,
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  which is probably true if you feel that overwhelmed by cooking
• 12:58
  dinner and I'd like you to take over dinner.
• 13:00
  I feel like we will have more time for our intimate life and
• 13:04
  for date nights and for fun. And don't say that if you're not
• 13:07
  going to do it. Obviously that would be cruel
• 13:09
  and and stupid because he would catch on pretty quick.
• 13:12
  But if you actually want to see, there's this thing on TikTok now
• 13:16
  where people talk about having a soft life, being a soft girl
• 13:19
  with a soft life, and I talked about this, I think, in my
• 13:22
  Masculinity and Femininity podcast.
• 13:25
  If you want to have a softer life, meaning that you do less
• 13:28
  abhorrent drudgery, then there's a good way to do that, you know?
• 13:33
  And it's called being in a loving relationship with a
• 13:36
  person who really, really wants to support you because they feel
• 13:39
  loved. And I used to say this a lot in
• 13:43
  my earlier post, and that's why the line keeps coming back to
• 13:46
  me. But men will do a truly
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  astonishing amount of shit for women that are they're in love
• 13:52
  with, and the only way for them to feel in love is for them to
• 13:54
  be in an intimate, loving relationship.
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  And I think this was even in a guest post I had by a guy who
• 14:01
  wrote a guest post on What Do Men Really Want?
• 14:03
  Which you could probably find on my website.
• 14:06
  So anyhow, the TLDR here and the summary statement here is that
• 14:11
  men will do a lot of stuff, more stuff than you know if they feel
• 14:15
  loved and cared for. And most of the reason that they
• 14:19
  say stuff like I don't want to, you know, repaint that or do
• 14:24
  that or this or that if they're a healthy guy, not a depressive
• 14:28
  guy, not a guy who says no to everything.
• 14:30
  Because of course there's guys who this will not work with and
• 14:33
  they are the guys who can get laid every single day and
• 14:35
  they're still an asshole. And that is always rooted in
• 14:38
  family of origin stuff as most things are.
• 14:41
  And that is a guy that this doesn't work with and get to
• 14:43
  couples counseling, right. But for most healthy people in
• 14:46
  healthy relationships, they will do more stuff they don't want to
• 14:49
  do to get more stuff that they really want for a person that
• 14:53
  they feel really loves them and that they really love.
• 14:56
  And no guy with a physical touch, sex, love language, can
• 14:59
  feel really loved without physical touch or sex.
• 15:02
  That's the truth. Just like a baby can't feel like
• 15:04
  you love them if you just talk to them when they're upset or a
• 15:07
  toddler or a preschooler or many women, You know, like, I mean,
• 15:12
  if your girlfriend was, if you're a woman and your
• 15:14
  girlfriend was crying because her mother died and you didn't
• 15:16
  give her a hug, you would kind of not be that nice.
• 15:19
  You know, she starts to cry in front of you and you don't even
• 15:23
  give her a hug. Is kind of fucked up, you know?
• 15:25
  And it's kind of the same thing when you deny physical touch to
• 15:29
  a spouse. So if you want to have somebody
• 15:32
  that is really kind of on his a game doing a lot of shit for you
• 15:36
  around the house, and if you're a man, bring this up, You know,
• 15:40
  say, you know, I don't really feel like you love me.
• 15:42
  And you're right. I have been obstructive and I
• 15:44
  have been passive aggressive and I've been argumentative about
• 15:47
  things that I don't want to do. And there's a lot of things I
• 15:49
  don't want to do because our baseline levels for what we
• 15:52
  think of as clean and what we think of as required in a home
• 15:55
  are very, very different. And I would be more willing to
• 15:59
  get outside my comfort zone and do a lot more stuff.
• 16:02
  But I don't feel like you love me.
• 16:03
  Really. You know, and that really is the
• 16:05
  key issue. And it doesn't matter how many
• 16:07
  times a week we have sex. I don't feel like you love me
• 16:10
  because when I bring up our issues with physical intimacy,
• 16:14
  you're not interested. You're not invested, You don't
• 16:16
  engage. You know, you may not want to go
• 16:18
  to couples counseling when I bring it up and you don't tell
• 16:21
  me how things could be better. And so maybe we do have sex once
• 16:25
  a week for 10 minutes. But you know what?
• 16:26
  I that that's really not a marriage to me, and so that is
• 16:30
  truly why you are right. I am an asshole about the chores
• 16:33
  I am and I'd like not to be. And I'd like us to go to
• 16:37
  counseling to figure out how we could both feel loved in this
• 16:39
  marriage. That would be a good thing to
• 16:41
  say to your spouse. All right.
• 16:43
  I hope you guys found this useful and I'll talk to you all
• 16:45
  soon. Have a great day.