Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Why Being A Good Stepdad Gets Men A Lot Of Love And How To Approximate This Effect If You're Not A Stepdad

Transcript

Why Being A Good Stepdad Gets Men A Lot Of Love And How To Approximate This Effect If You're Not A Stepdad · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:06
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the Doctor Psych Mom Show.
• 0:09
  Today we're going to talk about a phenomenon that I have long
• 0:11
  noticed where when a guy is a stepdad, the wife seems to, you
• 0:16
  know, the new wife seems to love him a lot more and more openly
• 0:21
  and be more complimentary than when you're just married to, you
• 0:26
  know, your your husband and it's your shared children.
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  And I'll talk about that phenomenon and certainly how to
• 0:35
  understand it better because not everybody's divorced, of course,
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  and certainly nobody wants to get divorced.
• 0:41
  So how can you replicate that phenomenon?
• 0:43
  By truly understanding it for and seeing it for what it is.
• 0:48
  And before we do that, please do subscribe.
• 0:50
  Most recent subscriber. Well, the one that's coming up
• 0:53
  actually is porn doesn't create masturbation.
• 0:57
  Something that somebody said on Facebook is wrong.
• 1:00
  I believe that is completely wrong.
• 1:02
  A lot of guys think, oh, why am I so down on porn?
• 1:05
  Like guys would masturbate the same amount without it.
• 1:07
  No, you wouldn't. And I have a wonderful analogy
• 1:10
  for how to better understand that.
• 1:12
  And then the other one, you know, the one I already did was
• 1:16
  why your dirty talk fails to turn on your wife.
• 1:18
  And there's about a / 150 other subscriber episodes by this
• 1:23
  point. So please do subscribe to listen
• 1:25
  to those. So when people get divorced, you
• 1:30
  know, there's all this stuff all over the Internet.
• 1:32
  That, by the way, of course, is bullshit.
• 1:34
  But about how men aren't going to want to date women with kids.
• 1:38
  And of course, for any of us who've had kids and been
• 1:40
  divorced, that's wrong. Men tend to like other people.
• 1:44
  Humans tend to be attracted to people who are like them, you
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  know, and in the same stage of life and with the same reference
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  points and who remember the same songs coming out in the same
• 1:54
  years. And while there are some men
• 1:56
  that you know, marry much, remarry much younger women, and
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  I have a podcast on that, most people marry somebody, you know,
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  same as they did the first time around who's same age you're a
• 2:07
  little bit younger. The average is 2 1/2 years or
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  something for the the age disparity between men and women.
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  And that seems to to hold true in first or second marriages as
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  well. But in the second marriages, if
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  the woman has kids, she's basically been taught that like,
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  no guy's going to want these kids.
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  And also there is no biological imperative to take care of
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  another man's kids, right. So it's interesting.
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  I was just reading this book. It was like really great book.
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  I read it to my children over the course of really months out
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  loud, and the book is Celito by Javier Zamora, and it's the
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  account of him crossing the border all the way from El
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  Salvador when he was 9 or 10 years old.
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  And on that journey, it's really good book.
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  You should read it. But anyway, this is not a
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  spoiler. But on that journey there was a
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  he was like 9 or 10 and there was a guy who was like 19 and
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  and there was a mom and a daughter.
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  And so basically he couldn't go with anybody.
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  You know, he was going to his parents who are in California
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  and he was leaving from where he had been living with his
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  grandparents in El Salvador. But nobody could could cross
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  with him but this guy and also another mom who had a kid his
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  age, which kind of people would understand more like a, a woman
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  who has a child. Yeah, she's going to understand
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  and feel more empathy for him than like some young dude.
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  And so he would have died if if people didn't watch out for him
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  as a boy, he was crossing the desert.
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  And you know, we had to try. Like, you know, I'm not going to
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  spoil it for you. But anyway, it's very hard.
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  And he would have died if this guy didn't look out for him.
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  And also this other woman who had a kid, but the guy who was a
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  young guy looked out for him and the woman with a child and they
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  basically acted as a little family and that kept him alive.
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  You know, this guy didn't have to do that.
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  And other guys that were his same age left, like, they just
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  kind of left on their own when the coyotes were trying to get
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  them across, like messed something up.
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  Other others of them just like, left and did their own thing and
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  tried to cross on their own. And this guy didn't.
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  And he didn't have any biological reason.
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  This wasn't his kid, you know, wasn't his brother, wasn't
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  anything. This guy stayed, you know, and
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  and and walked much slower for him and helped him and carried
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  him and all sorts of stuff. So it was a very touching story.
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  And the author said that some of why he wrote the book was to get
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  back in touch with these people who he never got in touch with.
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  He lost touch with them. You know, everybody was was, you
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  know, not not able to stay in touch.
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  It was a stressful time, right? And they were living all, all
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  across the US once they got here.
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  But anyway, the point is, is that that really shows you why a
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  woman would really respect the stepdad of her kids.
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  Like, of course she loves the guy if she remarried him.
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  But if he takes over, you know, watching out for her kids with
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  no reason to do it besides being a good guy because it's not his
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  biological imperative, then that really is something to look up
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  to and to respect, you know. And so it's for her too.
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  Like it's it's for it's it's to be a good guy, but it's also for
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  the woman because the these are the woman's kids, so we wouldn't
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  know the kids without her. So it's it's certainly first out
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  of love for her and then it's to be a good person in a situation
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  where you do not have a genetic reason to perpetuate you know
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  these you know the to to be so interested in the development of
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  children that aren't yours, you know, like that does not there.
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  There's no biological reason for that, right.
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  And so it's all the more meaningful, you know.
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  And if you think, Oh my God, that's like so you know,
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  evolutionary to the point of it not being romantic or whatever.
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  Why don't we just think about world's easiest analogy that can
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  help every man understand why that would be meaningful to a
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  woman. Somebody going against
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  biological imperative for the sake of the relationship and
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  being a good person. What about all the damn sex you
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  want to have when she doesn't want to, when she's not
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  ovulating and she's not going to make a baby.
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  But yet guys value the non baby making sex more than the baby
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  making sex because she's just doing that one to procreate.
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  You know, I mean that's of course you understand that.
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  But the other one, especially when she's not in the mood and
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  especially if it's after her fertile years, that's just done
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  out of love for you and to be a good partner, you know.
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  And so that's much more meaningful than like your 25
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  year old wife jumping on top of you saying I'm ovulating, let's
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  make a baby. I mean that's fun.
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  Sounds fun, right? But, you know, it's not actually
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  fun for a lot of people because they're like, well, this isn't
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  about me at all, you know. So that's kind of the same thing
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  that you get if if the guy is doing this not for his own
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  legacy, not for his own. Well, it could be his emotional
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  legacy, obviously, but not for his own biological or genetic
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  legacy, not because his own self is activated.
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  You know, like a guy seeing a kid who looks just like him and
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  now this kids going to play baseball like he never could.
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  But, you know, it's his, it's his genes.
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  You know, it's like almost like him.
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  You know, it's like vicarious you.
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  Everybody's seen this, you know, vicariously living through your
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  kid. You know, he's gonna be even
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  better than you could be and he has your genes and then you
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  could take ownership for it, you know, on some deep subconscious
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  or conscious level, you know, and and it's, it's your genetic
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  material. That's kind of the point of
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  everything is to perpetuate your own genetic material.
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  And so a woman who sees her own husband taking this kid out to
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  play catch. Yeah, that's nice.
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  Nice guy. You know, that's good thing for
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  him to do. I'm sure your son's having fun,
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  but it's not for her. It's not for her even at all,
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  you know, as it shouldn't be, right.
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  I mean, it's it's his own kid. So he's taking his kid out like
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  good. This is a good guy, you know,
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  great. And it has zero to do with her.
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  So you could see, I mean, it's just facts.
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  It's the facts on the ground, right.
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  So point being that that you certainly aren't gonna, you
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  know, leave your wife and start again with somebody else to to
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  get this effect of the woman really being like, wow, this is
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  awesome. He doesn't have to do this.
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  And he is. And I see this kind of, like
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  literally it's so many of when I see people like really being
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  seeming in love with their husband is frequently second
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  husbands. And being as most people have
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  kids is the ones you know who are good with the kids you know.
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  And and this is big. And if you go to our Facebook
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  group Blue subscribe button on the My Facebook page, you'll see
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  a lot of people who are remarried.
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  And a big thing is if the person is good with the kids, that's
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  like a huge, huge, compelling thing.
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  I know it is for me and my marriage that my husband is good
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  with the kids, and those are not my kids or not his biological
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  kids. The reason that he would be
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  helping or working with or taking care of my kids was first
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  for me and then after that to be good to them.
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  And it's not. So it's not about him, you know?
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  It's not about then that his genes are going to flourish in
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  in any sort of sense where it could be all about him.
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  It's always somewhat about me because he knows them from me,
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  you know, that's why he got engaged.
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  And then it's because he must love them for them versus
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  because they're his. So it's kind of always keeps
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  that very salient. And then of course, you're going
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  to be grateful to somebody who does something they don't have
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  to do. That's anybody.
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  That's human nature. That's the analogy of the woman
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  having sex when she's not in the mood or when she can't even have
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  a baby, et cetera. So how can you replicate this?
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  So then a guy could say, well then I'm really fucked because
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  you're telling me that I go, I play catch with my kid, I love
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  my kid, I'm a loving father and it's not going to get me any
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  points. Of course it's going to get you
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  some points. I mean, she's real happy then
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  that she made a good choice and that your son is happy playing
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  catch with you or your daughter or whatever, but what can you
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  do? What about the part where I said
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  it's all it originally at least it's all about the woman.
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  It's all about that you love the woman so much that you're going
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  to take on the children and do your best by the children.
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  Well, it's literally then has to be the opposite within a
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  biological family unit, right. And you'll under it's it's a
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  very intuitive when you when you open your mind to it in order to
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  get the same treatment and the same gratitude and the same
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  appreciation that the guy would get who takes on the kids for
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  the sake of the woman and then gets really into it.
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  You have to get that into the woman.
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  You have to be that much into your wife because once you have
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  kids, biologically and evolutionarily, they are
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  supposed to be your priority because that's the entire point
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  of perpetuating the species. So a guy who's gets really
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  obsessed with taking his son to, you know, to baseball practice
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  all the time, I've not really seen that to be something that
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  women are like, Oh yeah, that really makes me feel good.
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  It's not about her. And again, it shouldn't be about
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  her, but if he doing that all the time, is he taking her on
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  dates? Is he making her feel special?
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  Is he sacrificing anything for her or is basically his life
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  become between baseball practice and work, you know, because that
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  is increasingly a lot of the situation that I see with older
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  parents with more resources. Dads can be just as obsessed
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  with the kids as moms, you know, and and and then you are
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  forgetting her. And that's what's never
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  forgotten in the dynamic with The Stepparent.
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  It's always evident that it is about you, You know, that is why
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  they're here. That is why they are doing these
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  things, you know, and when they have their own relationship with
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  the children and that's great. But how did that get there out
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  of love for you? And then it didn't matter that
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  there were all these extra kind of little appendages at first,
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  you know, and then you come to love them, etcetera, etcetera.
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  And then you're doing right by them, and you don't have to.
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  So the whole thing is going out of your way.
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  That's what's going to make a woman feel like you are, you
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  know, awesome is if you go out of your way and you do things
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  you don't have to do. So here's when you get more
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  brownie points for. And it's not all about brownie
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  points. It's just obviously a shortcut,
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  you know, of of how to talk. But you would make your wife
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  happier if you were to plan something special just for her.
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  You were to go out of your way just for her.
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  You were to. When you when there's like
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  something that you want to do versus something she wants to
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  do, you let hers her pick, right?
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  You want to see the movie, but she wants to see a different
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  movie. So you let her pick.
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  Make her the special priority. You know, making a woman feel
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  like she is your special priority gets you a good
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  relationship. You know, if she's at all
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  emotionally healthy, seeing that you sacrifice for her, you
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  wanted to go to work early, but you didn't because she needed
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  help with XYZ with the children. Yeah, they're your children, but
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  you wanted to go to work early, you know, or and and you don't
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  just because of her, you know you don't.
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  You want to go out with the boys, but she wants to go out to
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  dinner with you alone. You haven't been on a date in a
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  while, so you pick her. When you can pick your spouse
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  over other things, particularly if you're a more avoidant person
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  and she has asked for more connection with you, then you
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  are showing that you put her higher than other things in your
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  life. You put her higher than
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  basically being free. That's that's really what it is.
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  So when somebody gets involved with a woman with children,
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  they're not free really anymore. They have, they have another
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  extra kid. Even if they started out with
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  kids, now they got more kids, right?
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  They that's, that's the having kids.
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  The opposite of free in case anybody hears in a coma and
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  doesn't realize that right or hasn't lived, you know, years
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  with children. You're not free anymore.
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  Once you have kids. You got to do right by the kids
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  forever, right you forever and ever.
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  So and of course this changes as they get older and they get more
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  independent. But still you know an adult
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  child calls you in the middle of the night and they're struggling
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  to have a crisis. You go hopefully, you know,
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  hopefully you're in that situation and not estranged.
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  You know, estranged people want to be wish that they were in a
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  situation of getting in the middle of the night calls.
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  But the the the point is, So what do you have to do then if
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  you are in your first and hopefully only marriage, being a
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  good dad isn't isn't for her. I mean I I can't stress that
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  line more, you know that is just the paramount thing to remember.
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  And I have posts and podcasts about it for women and not as
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  many for men because men don't say it as as often as women do.
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  But it's still I've still have some.
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  But the point is don't say that you're, I say to women don't say
• 15:26
  that you're being a Good Wife when you're being a good mother.
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  There are nothing you're doing for him about getting food into
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  your kids bellies and making sure that they're getting to
• 15:34
  school and making sure they have their clothes.
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  That's not for him. If he dropped it, you would do
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  the same exact shit because you're a good mom and you could
• 15:41
  feel real proud of that. And it has Jack shit to do with
• 15:44
  being a Good Wife. And it's the same thing to men.
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  You would be playing catch with your son, I hope or what were
• 15:52
  your daughter? And my my girls don't like to
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  play catch so I'm not being so stereotypical.
• 15:58
  But my son would play catch. But anyway, whatever you do with
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  your daughter which are so many various things.
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  Jesus Christ, kids have a lot of activities so but whatever you
• 16:08
  so you drive your daughter to dance class.
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  I'll just do the ones that my kids do right?
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  So great. That's your kid.
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  Hopefully you would get harassed to dance class even if the even
• 16:17
  if your wife dropped dead. God forbid, right.
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  So you're not being a good husband, getting your own
• 16:23
  fucking kid to dance class. Whereas you know, the stepdad
• 16:29
  does seem like a pretty good guy to get the kid who isn't his kid
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  to dance class, right? So I mean this because it's not
• 16:35
  his kid, right? And so of course it becomes your
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  kid over time. You love them like your own kid,
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  but at least at first, it's obviously not your kid.
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  So it's obviously a sacrifice that you are doing that you
• 16:48
  don't have to do. Like the guy in the Salido book
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  didn't have to stay by the kid, he didn't have to.
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  If that was his own father that was crossing with him, nobody
• 16:58
  would say what a good guy. He didn't abandoned him in the
• 17:00
  desert, right? What the fuck?
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  Who would do that? Like if he did that, he'd be a
• 17:04
  monster. But if it if a 19 year old boy
• 17:07
  you know crossed on his own, he wouldn't be a monster.
• 17:10
  He would be normal, you know. Anyway, the the the point being
• 17:15
  nobody should say to their spouse that taking care of their
• 17:17
  own kids is how they're being a good spouse.
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  So therefore if they're your shared biological children, you
• 17:23
  have to go above and beyond with the spouse themselves.
• 17:27
  You would have to be Mr. Romantic to your wife because
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  being a good dad is par for the course.
• 17:34
  That's your kids. You could you could feel smug
• 17:38
  and happy, both of you, that you picked a person who's a good
• 17:41
  partner to your kids that you have together.
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  But this is not going to make a woman feel like romantic because
• 17:50
  it's your children. So I think I've I've hammered
• 17:52
  the point home sufficiently. So anyway, use that as more
• 17:55
  motivation to think. How do I sacrifice?
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  How do I give to just my wife? Not the children, just my wife?
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  How am I romantic? How do I make choices based just
• 18:06
  on my wife that make her understand that I choose her
• 18:10
  again and again? So it's something to think
• 18:13
  about. All right.
• 18:14
  And I will talk to everybody soon and have a great day.
• 18:18
  Hope you got a lot out of this. And if you are in a second
• 18:20
  marriage where somebody you know is the step dads your children
• 18:24
  and you really appreciated and loved them, then obviously this
• 18:28
  would be a good one to share with them.
• 18:29
  I know I have a lot of divorced and some of which are remarried
• 18:34
  readers and listeners. All right, bye, guys.
• 18:36
  Have a great day.