Latest / Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers / 175: How to Recognize a Trauma Bond and Break Free for Good

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175: How to Recognize a Trauma Bond and Break Free for Good · Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers

• 0:20
  MaryAnn Walker (2): welcome back.
• 0:21
  MaryAnn Walker (2): My name is Maryanne Walker and I help recovering people pleasers, find more balance and peace in their relationships.
• 0:26
  MaryAnn Walker (2): And one problem that I see all the time in my practice is people who are pouring more and more and more of themselves into others thinking, well, if I can just do all the right things, if I can be selfless enough, forgiving enough, mindful enough, then my relationships will be happy and healthy.
• 0:41
  MaryAnn Walker: But while they're giving their whole self to a relationship, then they may be starting to notice that they may or may not be getting back the bare minimum in return.
• 0:50
  MaryAnn Walker: But because there was a time when things were amazing, then they stay hoping that that amazingness will return.
• 0:57
  MaryAnn Walker: And maybe this is you.
• 0:58
  MaryAnn Walker: Maybe you find yourself saying things like, well, all relationships have their struggles.
• 1:01
  MaryAnn Walker: They just need my support right now.
• 1:03
  MaryAnn Walker: And once their cup is full, then they'll have the capacity to meet my needs.
• 1:07
  MaryAnn Walker: And you're right that all relationships have their struggles, but when we're trauma bonded to somebody else, then it's not just a phase, it's the new normal.
• 1:15
  MaryAnn Walker: So in a trauma bonded relationship, then you may discover that it seems that you're doing absolutely everything to keep them afloat while you yourself are sinking.
• 1:24
  MaryAnn Walker: And when other people point out to you that, hey, you just don't seem as happy as you used to be.
• 1:28
  MaryAnn Walker: You might even tell them that you're just really committed to making this work.
• 1:31
  MaryAnn Walker: You believe in sticking it out through the hard times to prove your love and your devotion to them.
• 1:36
  MaryAnn Walker: And yes, all relationships have their struggles, and we shouldn't abandon ship at the first sign of a struggle.
• 1:41
  MaryAnn Walker: That's not what I'm saying here, but when it starts to seem like you are not just being self-sacrificing but abandoning self, then that's when it's time to get real about what might be going on for you.
• 1:52
  MaryAnn Walker: Now, if this sounds a little bit too familiar, then you, my friend, you might be experiencing a trauma bond and you're exactly who I'm speaking to today.
• 1:59
  MaryAnn Walker: Today we're gonna be breaking down exactly what a trauma bond is, how it can amplify your people pleasing tendencies and why holding onto hope that things are going to change might be the very thing that is keeping you stuck in a toxic relationship.
• 2:11
  MaryAnn Walker: So first, let's define what a trauma bond is.
• 2:14
  MaryAnn Walker: A trauma bond is a really strong emotional attachment to somebody who is just intermittently or sporadically offering you love and care in return.
• 2:23
  MaryAnn Walker: So they're sporadically kind, but they can also, in addition to being kind, they can also be very harmful, neglectful, or dismissive of your experience.
• 2:32
  MaryAnn Walker: And because their love is so sporadic, you never know what it is that you're going to get.
• 2:37
  MaryAnn Walker: It feels very unpredictable, which can be crazy making, honestly, And that's exactly what makes a trauma bond especially confusing, is that it's not always harmful, neglectful, or dismissive.
• 2:47
  MaryAnn Walker: In fact, in the beginning of the relationship as well as probably sporadically throughout the relationship, usually after a fight, then they just seem to be the most amazing person on the planet.
• 2:56
  MaryAnn Walker: And then that's when relationship feels so incredible, and it's these highs that make you stick around when the low lows come around.
• 3:04
  MaryAnn Walker: But over time, then the highs become shorter and further apart.
• 3:09
  MaryAnn Walker: While the hard times really seem to drag on and on and on with no end in sight.
• 3:13
  MaryAnn Walker: And you might stay because you know that they have the potential to make you feel amazing.
• 3:18
  MaryAnn Walker: You know that they have the potential to show up well because they have in the past.
• 3:22
  MaryAnn Walker: But right now.
• 3:24
  MaryAnn Walker: They just aren't.
• 3:25
  MaryAnn Walker: And since you know that they're capable of showing up well, then you assume at this point that, well, they just need a little more help.
• 3:30
  MaryAnn Walker: They just need a little support.
• 3:32
  MaryAnn Walker: This isn't who they actually are, and so you keep showing up for them more and more and more.
• 3:37
  MaryAnn Walker: While they might be showing up for you less and less over time.
• 3:42
  MaryAnn Walker: And the good moments, there seem to be just enough of them that they keep you holding on.
• 3:46
  MaryAnn Walker: So you're holding on just hoping that things will go back to the way it was in the beginning.
• 3:51
  MaryAnn Walker: It is a lot like a slot machine.
• 3:53
  MaryAnn Walker: You keep pulling the lever again and again, never knowing when or if you're going to get that payout.
• 3:58
  MaryAnn Walker: And probably because at one point you did get a really big payout, then you keep thinking, okay, but I can do it again.
• 4:04
  MaryAnn Walker: It happened once.
• 4:05
  MaryAnn Walker: I can do it again.
• 4:06
  MaryAnn Walker: And when you're really in a trauma bond, it really can feel a lot like an addiction.
• 4:09
  MaryAnn Walker: So it is like that slot machine, right?
• 4:11
  MaryAnn Walker: Your brain wants to start associating unpredictability and excitement with hope.
• 4:16
  MaryAnn Walker: So you remember that"okay.
• 4:18
  MaryAnn Walker: Well, the one time I got that payout, then I was at that slot machine and it was 2:03 and I was wearing this outfit." And so we try to recreate the perfect situation, all the perfect circumstances so that we can replicate that big payout.
• 4:32
  MaryAnn Walker: But just like with the slot machine, the odds of losing are significantly greater than the odds of you winning.
• 4:38
  MaryAnn Walker: And that's just how gambling works, right?
• 4:40
  MaryAnn Walker: But there's always that hope that the more you put in, the more quarters you put in, the more times you pull that slot, the closer you get to winning.
• 4:48
  MaryAnn Walker: And we tell ourselves that same story with trauma bonding.
• 4:51
  MaryAnn Walker: So trauma bonding.
• 4:52
  MaryAnn Walker: Then it follows the same pattern.
• 4:54
  MaryAnn Walker: Love bomb devaluation and discard, and it's all intermingled with sporadic reinforcement.
• 5:00
  MaryAnn Walker: So let's kind of break it down a bit.
• 5:01
  MaryAnn Walker: So love bombing.
• 5:02
  MaryAnn Walker: This is when you feel absolutely amazing.
• 5:04
  MaryAnn Walker: This is when you're winning.
• 5:06
  MaryAnn Walker: This is when you're getting the payout, and probably you only needed to invest a tiny bit to get this huge payout.
• 5:11
  MaryAnn Walker: So it feels incredible.
• 5:13
  MaryAnn Walker: It feels life changing.
• 5:15
  MaryAnn Walker: They're kind, they're attentive, they're complimentary, and they make you feel like you are the best version of yourself.
• 5:20
  MaryAnn Walker: And this is the stage where there may be gifts, words of affirmation, compliments, acts of service.
• 5:26
  MaryAnn Walker: You're getting all of it at once and it is intoxicating.
• 5:29
  MaryAnn Walker: So this stage, then it usually shows up in the beginning of the relationship, or it might show up occasionally, probably after a fight when they're trying to win you back, but it feels so intoxicating and so amazing.
• 5:40
  MaryAnn Walker: And it's when you're being love bombed, that you start to wonder like, okay, well why did I even question them?
• 5:44
  MaryAnn Walker: This is so amazing.
• 5:45
  MaryAnn Walker: They're now back to the absolute best version of themselves, and they make you feel like you are the best version of yourself too.
• 5:53
  MaryAnn Walker: And then comes the devaluing.
• 5:55
  MaryAnn Walker: This is when your wants and needs start to be minimized, and it doesn't matter if it's a positive or a negative thing that's going on for you, but you're going to feel devalued and minimized at this point.
• 6:05
  MaryAnn Walker: So for example, maybe you shared something that they did that hurt you, Hey, this really hurt my feelings.
• 6:09
  MaryAnn Walker: Can we talk about it?
• 6:10
  MaryAnn Walker: And instead of taking ownership, instead of offering an apology, instead they might flip it around to you.
• 6:17
  MaryAnn Walker: They might tell you that you are too sensitive, you're reading too much into it.
• 6:20
  MaryAnn Walker: It's not that big of a deal.
• 6:22
  MaryAnn Walker: You need help.
• 6:23
  MaryAnn Walker: You should probably go to therapy.
• 6:25
  MaryAnn Walker: They tell you that it's your problem rather than taking ownership of the impact of their actions.
• 6:31
  MaryAnn Walker: Or maybe you're celebrating a big promotion at work and instead of celebrating with you, then they might minimize all of the hard work that it took you to get there.
• 6:38
  MaryAnn Walker: They might warn you that, oh, well, don't let it go to your head.
• 6:41
  MaryAnn Walker: Oh, well this is never gonna happen again.
• 6:43
  MaryAnn Walker: You better really be on your best behavior because I can't believe they gave you that position.
• 6:47
  MaryAnn Walker: They just really are kind of minimizing your experience.
• 6:50
  MaryAnn Walker: Or maybe you share with them that you've just had a really hard day instead of just sitting with you and letting you have a hard day.
• 6:57
  MaryAnn Walker: Instead, then they try to one up you with how much worse their day was than yours.
• 7:01
  MaryAnn Walker: And this does two things.
• 7:03
  MaryAnn Walker: It leaves you feeling guilty for struggling in the first place, and it also leaves you feeling personally responsible for doing even more for them because now you can see and understand that they must have it way worse than I do.
• 7:15
  MaryAnn Walker: So now when you're already having a hard day, you're now responsible for helping somebody else out.
• 7:20
  MaryAnn Walker: And yeah, occasionally this can be, okay, this is relationship is prioritizing who has the most significant need right now, but I'm not talking about these normal behaviors.
• 7:28
  MaryAnn Walker: In a trauma bonded relationship, this isn't occasionally trying to figure out who's having the roughest day, but this is now a pattern in behavior.
• 7:36
  MaryAnn Walker: So when this is happening, you might find that you just quit sharing anything with them.
• 7:40
  MaryAnn Walker: You don't want to share anymore with them about your weight loss success, or about that compliment that you received when you're out on the town, you no longer want to share about your challenges because you can no longer trust that you're going to get the love, support, or encouragement that you're needing in that moment.
• 7:56
  MaryAnn Walker: And all of that leads to the discard.
• 7:59
  MaryAnn Walker: This is when their attention has now shifted elsewhere.
• 8:02
  MaryAnn Walker: It shifted to another person or another situation.
• 8:05
  MaryAnn Walker: You are not as important anymore.
• 8:08
  MaryAnn Walker: And you find yourself being pushed to the back burner while other people and priorities are now their focus.
• 8:13
  MaryAnn Walker: You're left in the waiting place and in that waiting place, then you keep hoping that things will turn around and that one day you'll be appreciated and loved again.
• 8:23
  MaryAnn Walker: And the thing is, nobody likes being in the waiting place.
• 8:25
  MaryAnn Walker: In fact, I'm gonna read a little clip to you from the book.
• 8:28
  MaryAnn Walker: Oh, the Places You'll Go by Dr.
• 8:29
  MaryAnn Walker: Seuss, because he's talking about the waiting place and what that can feel like.
• 8:33
  MaryAnn Walker: So I just wanna read a little bit of that to you.
• 8:35
  MaryAnn Walker: Waiting for a train to go or a bus to come, or a plane to go, or the mail to come, or the rain to go, or the phone to ring.
• 8:42
  MaryAnn Walker: Or the snow to snow or waiting around for a yes or a no or waiting around for their hair to grow.
• 8:49
  MaryAnn Walker: Everyone is just waiting, waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for wind to fly a kite or waiting around for a Friday night or waiting perhaps for their Uncle Jake, or a pot to boil, or a better break, or a string of pearls or a pair of pants, or a wig of curls, or another chance.
• 9:06
  MaryAnn Walker: Everyone is just waiting.
• 9:09
  MaryAnn Walker: But in the case with trauma bonding, it's you who's doing the waiting and making excuses for them while you're in that waiting place.
• 9:17
  MaryAnn Walker: So you're waiting for them to be in a better head space so that they can really sit with you.
• 9:21
  MaryAnn Walker: You're waiting for their project to wrap up at work.
• 9:23
  MaryAnn Walker: You're waiting for their stress to be less.
• 9:26
  MaryAnn Walker: You're waiting for their circumstances to change.
• 9:28
  MaryAnn Walker: You're waiting for them to be able to show up for you.
• 9:31
  MaryAnn Walker: And this cycle, it can happen anywhere.
• 9:33
  MaryAnn Walker: It can happen in romantic relationships and friendships and family dynamics.
• 9:36
  MaryAnn Walker: It can happen in the workplace.
• 9:38
  MaryAnn Walker: It can even happen in religious or spiritual communities.
• 9:41
  MaryAnn Walker: And when it's happening, it's really common to gaslight yourself, to tell yourself, well, it's not that bad and they didn't mean it.
• 9:47
  MaryAnn Walker: They're just really going through something right now.
• 9:50
  MaryAnn Walker: And so that hope keeps that cycle continuing.
• 9:55
  MaryAnn Walker: We have come to identify them with the really short windows of love bombing when they are showing up as their best self.
• 10:00
  MaryAnn Walker: We think that's who they really are.
• 10:02
  MaryAnn Walker: And so we make excuses for how they're showing up throughout the rest of that cycle.
• 10:07
  MaryAnn Walker: And it makes sense because the version of them when they were showing up as their best self, that's the version that we fell in love with.
• 10:14
  MaryAnn Walker: But here's another hard truth is it's often the people pleasers that find themselves in these trauma bonded relationships.
• 10:20
  MaryAnn Walker: Many people pleasers end up in trauma bonds without even realizing it.
• 10:24
  MaryAnn Walker: Because somewhere along the way they were conditioned to believe that love needs to be earned.
• 10:29
  MaryAnn Walker: It needs to be earned through effort, earned through self-sacrifice, earned by keeping the peace at all costs, even if that cost is yourself.
• 10:38
  MaryAnn Walker: For some people pleasing has been a huge part of their identity for as long as they can remember, and for other people, then they don't fully notice how deep the people pleasing runs for them until they land themselves into a trauma bonded relationship.
• 10:50
  MaryAnn Walker: They may have previously been pretty good at boundaries, but now that they're in a trauma bonded relationship, those boundaries have gone out the window.
• 10:57
  MaryAnn Walker: And the most important thing has been making the other person happy so that they can stay in that happy love bombing stage.
• 11:03
  MaryAnn Walker: And the reason for this is because trauma bonds create the perfect atmosphere to bring those people pleasing and self-sacrificing tendencies to the surface.
• 11:13
  MaryAnn Walker: And this means that instead of recognizing,"now wait a second, my needs aren't being met in this relationship," then people pleasers only see how other people's needs aren't being met.
• 11:23
  MaryAnn Walker: The only way that people pleaser knows how to get their own needs met or have their own emotions regulated is by making other people happy.
• 11:31
  MaryAnn Walker: So when they find themselves in a trauma bond, then they really double down on this people pleasing.
• 11:35
  MaryAnn Walker: They become even more accommodating, more understanding, more selfless, more helpful, and more forgiving, all in the hopes that their loyalty and devotion will inspire the other person to finally step up and give them, well something, anything in return.
• 11:51
  MaryAnn Walker: And when they do get some breadcrumbs in return, then they treat those breadcrumbs like a feast.
• 11:57
  MaryAnn Walker: But nobody can survive on breadcrumbs alone.
• 12:00
  MaryAnn Walker: Now remember, trauma bonds are a lot like slot machines.
• 12:04
  MaryAnn Walker: They run on sporadic reinforcement, and this means that you never know when or if that payout will come.
• 12:11
  MaryAnn Walker: And with sporadic reinforcement, then the opposite of what you want to have happen is what ends up happening.
• 12:17
  MaryAnn Walker: You are giving more, but you're getting less.
• 12:21
  MaryAnn Walker: And the more you chase those rare moments of connection, the stronger your bond to them and the stronger your devotion to them comes.
• 12:28
  MaryAnn Walker: And while you're feeling more invested in a relationship, the other person, they seem to be significantly less invested.
• 12:34
  MaryAnn Walker: You're no longer a priority.
• 12:36
  MaryAnn Walker: And the reason for this is because we naturally feel most connected to the people and the relationships that we're intentionally investing into.
• 12:44
  MaryAnn Walker: The more time, energy, and emotions that you're pouring into someone, the more your brain clings to the idea that this must be worth it.
• 12:51
  MaryAnn Walker: This investment must be worth it.
• 12:53
  MaryAnn Walker: I am going to get a return on this investment.
• 12:56
  MaryAnn Walker: So you keep investing hoping that this will finally be the moment that they finally give you the love and the care and the appreciation that you've been waiting for.
• 13:04
  MaryAnn Walker: But in trauma bonds, those moments are rare.
• 13:07
  MaryAnn Walker: And you are giving, it only deepens your insecure attachment to them, not their level of investment.
• 13:15
  MaryAnn Walker: So let's kind of revisit and review a little bit about what the trauma bond cycle looks like.
• 13:19
  MaryAnn Walker: So it starts with the love bombing stage, right?
• 13:21
  MaryAnn Walker: This is in the beginning or sometimes after a conflict.
• 13:24
  MaryAnn Walker: When they're showering you with love and affection, attention promises, they're showering you with all of the things that you've been seeking.
• 13:31
  MaryAnn Walker: This is when the gifts show up, the flowers, the apologies, the passion, the incredible words about how much it is that you mean to them, and it feels amazing.
• 13:39
  MaryAnn Walker: Like they are finally seeing you for you again, like you're finally safe and loved.
• 13:45
  MaryAnn Walker: They're back to the best version of themselves, and at this point, your investment has paid off.
• 13:50
  MaryAnn Walker: And in that moment, it's really easy to believe that this is the real version of them and that everything is going to be okay now.
• 13:56
  MaryAnn Walker: And then comes the devaluing.
• 13:58
  MaryAnn Walker: That warmth has faded, and suddenly you're being met with criticism, coldness, or unpredictability.
• 14:03
  MaryAnn Walker: It starts to seem like they can't be with you in your joy or in your pain, and you might hear comments like,"it's not that big of a deal.
• 14:11
  MaryAnn Walker: You're bringing this up again.
• 14:12
  MaryAnn Walker: Why do you keep choosing to live in the past?
• 14:14
  MaryAnn Walker: You're so needy.
• 14:15
  MaryAnn Walker: Why are you always wanting me to reassure and validate you?
• 14:18
  MaryAnn Walker: That's what your coach is for." And those comments can feel so dismissive and disorienting, especially after the intensity of the love bombing.
• 14:27
  MaryAnn Walker: And when this happens, you might find yourself wondering what happened?
• 14:31
  MaryAnn Walker: What did I do wrong?
• 14:32
  MaryAnn Walker: And not only what did I do wrong, but you're also wondering, what can I do to fix this?
• 14:37
  MaryAnn Walker: And then comes the discard.
• 14:39
  MaryAnn Walker: They pull away.
• 14:40
  MaryAnn Walker: They're leaving you feeling abandoned, anxious, and absolutely desperate to fix things.
• 14:45
  MaryAnn Walker: And sometimes this withdraw is even intentional where there's silence or their avoidance of you, it's meant to trigger you into investing more.
• 14:53
  MaryAnn Walker: It's meant to trigger you to apologize, to make them feel better, or to take responsibility for the problems that might not even be yours to own.
• 15:01
  MaryAnn Walker: I mean, yes, I believe that everything is co-created and so there is probably a piece for you to own in this situation.
• 15:07
  MaryAnn Walker: But in the case of a trauma bond, then your part in the conflict, it might actually be very small, but since you're the kind and empathetic and amazing person that you are, since you're so self-reflective, then you know that you do have a part to own.
• 15:20
  MaryAnn Walker: And so because you can see the sliver of truthfulness of what it is that they have to say, you do feel personally responsible.
• 15:27
  MaryAnn Walker: So suddenly you're bending over backwards to try to make things right.
• 15:30
  MaryAnn Walker: And the goal here, whether they realize it or not, it is to make you fall in line so they don't have to take ownership themselves.
• 15:38
  MaryAnn Walker: And then through all of this is a sprinkling of sporadic reinforcement.
• 15:42
  MaryAnn Walker: The good moment returns temporarily.
• 15:44
  MaryAnn Walker: You get a breadcrumb here or there, a smile, a compliment, a kind word.
• 15:48
  MaryAnn Walker: And at this moment then you do actually breathe a sigh of relief.
• 15:52
  MaryAnn Walker: You start telling yourself, okay, that was just a rough patch and now it's over.
• 15:56
  MaryAnn Walker: Thank goodness the person I fell in love with, they're finally back.
• 16:00
  MaryAnn Walker: Now we can get back to"normal." And with that sporadic reinforcement comes a wave of relief of hope that it's finally over, that they're back.
• 16:09
  MaryAnn Walker: And there may even be a rush of love in that moment, one that temporarily erases the pain from all of the moments that came before it.
• 16:17
  MaryAnn Walker: The problem is that you never know when the next good moment will come.
• 16:21
  MaryAnn Walker: So your brain is constantly in high alert.
• 16:24
  MaryAnn Walker: It's constantly scanning for signs.
• 16:26
  MaryAnn Walker: It's constantly scanning for signs that you're okay and constantly scanning for signs that things are not okay.
• 16:32
  MaryAnn Walker: And your brain is working harder and harder at this point to bring back all of those positive emotions all while trying desperately to make them happy and avoid anything that might set them off.
• 16:43
  MaryAnn Walker: So for a brief moment, your nervous system is saying, ah, everything's fine.
• 16:47
  MaryAnn Walker: It's going to be okay now.
• 16:49
  MaryAnn Walker: But if it's true that everything's gonna be okay, why do you still feel like you're walking on eggshells?
• 16:55
  MaryAnn Walker: Why is your anxiety still so high right now?
• 16:57
  MaryAnn Walker: Why is your mind telling you, oh, be careful.
• 17:00
  MaryAnn Walker: Don't mess this up again, and then that's what happens as the cycle repeats itself over and over again.
• 17:07
  MaryAnn Walker: So here are some signs that you might be in a trauma bond.
• 17:10
  MaryAnn Walker: You feel the constant need to prove yourself.
• 17:13
  MaryAnn Walker: You're always proving your love, proving that you're sorry, proving that they matter to you.
• 17:18
  MaryAnn Walker: And meanwhile, they're doing very little to prove the same to you.
• 17:22
  MaryAnn Walker: But they might actually be trying to prove to you that you are the broken one.
• 17:26
  MaryAnn Walker: That you are the problem, that you are the one that needs fixing, that they aren't to blame.
• 17:30
  MaryAnn Walker: This is a you problem.
• 17:33
  MaryAnn Walker: Number two, you're ignoring your own needs in order to keep them happy.
• 17:37
  MaryAnn Walker: It doesn't matter if you're tired, sick, or struggling yourself.
• 17:39
  MaryAnn Walker: Their needs always come first.
• 17:42
  MaryAnn Walker: You believe that if you don't keep them happy, then they might pull away again.
• 17:46
  MaryAnn Walker: You might become the target.
• 17:47
  MaryAnn Walker: You might have to fix it again and fixing it again just requires so much energy for you because your needs aren't getting met.
• 17:54
  MaryAnn Walker: You're so tired.
• 17:55
  MaryAnn Walker: So it just is easier to just keep them happy, even at the cost of your own self.
• 18:00
  MaryAnn Walker: Your nervous system is constantly in overdrive, but because you've been conditioned to believe that your needs don't matter than the only way to regulate your own nervous system is to regulate them.
• 18:09
  MaryAnn Walker: And if you do a really good job of that, then maybe you'll find some peace.
• 18:14
  MaryAnn Walker: You feel anxious when they're upset with you.
• 18:17
  MaryAnn Walker: Their behavior is completely unpredictable, and so you end up feeling like you're constantly walking on eggshells, constantly trying to prevent the next blowup, even though you never really know what might trigger them next.
• 18:29
  MaryAnn Walker: You make excuses for their behavior.
• 18:31
  MaryAnn Walker: You tell yourself,"well, they're just stressed, they're tired.
• 18:34
  MaryAnn Walker: They're going through a lot right now." Their emotional state takes the top priority, which means that your emotional state, it keeps getting pushed aside even by you.
• 18:43
  MaryAnn Walker: So now you are minimizing your own wants and needs and emotions in relationship, in an effort to keep the peace.
• 18:51
  MaryAnn Walker: You feel both desperate to leave and terrified to lose them.
• 18:56
  MaryAnn Walker: Trauma bonds can feel like an addiction.
• 18:58
  MaryAnn Walker: You're constantly looking for that next hit.
• 19:00
  MaryAnn Walker: You're constantly looking for that love bomb.
• 19:02
  MaryAnn Walker: You know that this relationship isn't healthy for you, but also the thought of leaving it absolutely terrifies you.
• 19:08
  MaryAnn Walker: And that fear, it might not even be anything that you've ever really put into words before, but you can't deny that there's a lot of fear and anxiety both over staying and over leaving.
• 19:19
  MaryAnn Walker: Now, if you recognize that you might be in a trauma bonded relationship, I want you to know it's not because you're weak.
• 19:24
  MaryAnn Walker: It is because you've been conditioned, possibly for years, to believe that this is what love looks like.
• 19:30
  MaryAnn Walker: That love looks like intense emotions, intense highs and intense lows, and that being willing to ride the toxic wave again and again and again with just a few good moments here and there is how you demonstrate your love for the other person.
• 19:43
  MaryAnn Walker: But I want you to know that love isn't sporadic.
• 19:46
  MaryAnn Walker: Love is constant, love is kind, love is considerate.
• 19:52
  MaryAnn Walker: And love wants what is best for both of you.
• 19:56
  MaryAnn Walker: And love it never wants to hurt, devalue, or minimize the other.
• 20:01
  MaryAnn Walker: Healthy love doesn't require you to abandon yourself in order to keep it.
• 20:05
  MaryAnn Walker: Your worth isn't measured by how much you can endure from other people or how perfectly you can please other people.
• 20:11
  MaryAnn Walker: No matter what it is that they say, it is not your fault.
• 20:15
  MaryAnn Walker: Now if you're starting to wonder whether you might be in a trauma bond or if you already know that you're in a trauma bond and you're finally ready to break free, I would love to help you to reclaim your sense of self-worth.
• 20:24
  MaryAnn Walker: Together we can untangle the patterns that are keeping you stuck and help you to build relationships that feel safe, balanced, and mutually fulfilling.
• 20:32
  MaryAnn Walker: If you're curious about whether coaching might be able to help you with this, then click the link in the show notes to book your free clarity call.
• 20:38
  MaryAnn Walker: On this free call, we can take a look at your relationships and see how coaching might be able to help you to create more balance, peace, and self trust.
• 20:46
  MaryAnn Walker: You are worthy of love, consistency, and reciprocation, and I can show you how.
• 20:51
  MaryAnn Walker: All right, I hope you have a great week and let's talk soon.
• 20:53
  MaryAnn Walker: Bye now.