Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / 136. IUDs, Snacks & Mixed Signals: Welcome to Modern Dating

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136. IUDs, Snacks & Mixed Signals: Welcome to Modern Dating · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Appogiae production.
• 0:10
  Speaker 2: I need your advice.
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: Are you okay? What happened?
• 0:14
  Speaker 2: Promise it won't be too much.
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: Bring it in.
• 0:17
  Speaker 2: Welcome to our Bestie segment. This is the place for you.
• 0:27
  Speaker 2: Welcome back to another episode of Bestie Advice, which is
• 0:29
  Speaker 2: our favorite and only segment.
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: It's so fun. Every single Tuesday, every single Friday, we're
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: in your ears giving best advice from all of you
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: that we would give to each other.
• 0:39
  Speaker 2: Naturally, absolutely, and this is something that we're gonna talk
• 0:42
  Speaker 2: about today, and we've got a big one for you.
• 0:44
  Speaker 2: So let's get started.
• 0:45
  Speaker 1: Buckle in, what have you got for us?
• 0:47
  Speaker 2: Well?
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: That sounded so bogun buckle in? Sorry, guys, actually didn't. Okay, Ladies.
• 0:54
  Speaker 2: Firstly, I just have to say how much I love
• 0:55
  Speaker 2: the podcast. It's so much fun and always so real
• 0:58
  Speaker 2: and relatable. I need your help. It can be your advice,
• 1:01
  Speaker 2: your opinion, or any thoughts that you have. I have
• 1:04
  Speaker 2: a two men situation going on. Oh about a month ago,
• 1:07
  Speaker 2: I started casually sleeping with a long term friend, man one.
• 1:12
  Speaker 2: So naturally it was an easy thing to start. The trust.
• 1:15
  Speaker 2: The chemistry is already there, and I think we both
• 1:17
  Speaker 2: wanted to do that for a little while. He makes
• 1:19
  Speaker 2: me feel so good and he spends so much time
• 1:21
  Speaker 2: with me, and it's always a sleepover. There's connection, there's vulnerability, playfulness, cuddles,
• 1:26
  Speaker 2: and he makes me feel so safe and wanted and
• 1:30
  Speaker 2: oh my god, I haven't been kissed that way in
• 1:32
  Speaker 2: a long time, the kind of deep kiss that makes
• 1:34
  Speaker 2: me think about him long after he leaves. He's so
• 1:36
  Speaker 2: sweet with me, and that I think I'm starting to
• 1:38
  Speaker 2: catch feelings now. Man two he's roughly thirteen years older
• 1:42
  Speaker 2: than me, I'm guessing, and in the same week as
• 1:44
  Speaker 2: Man one, we started doing the dirty. Oh my god,
• 1:47
  Speaker 2: I feel so naughty reading this now. I've also known
• 1:50
  Speaker 2: him a long time, as he is my mechanic. He's
• 1:52
  Speaker 2: almost the total opposite of Man one. He clearly just
• 1:55
  Speaker 2: wants sex and is so incredibly reserved emotionally that I
• 1:58
  Speaker 2: don't even know his last name. He redirects any question
• 2:01
  Speaker 2: I ask him about himself, and he'll push sexual boundaries
• 2:04
  Speaker 2: to the limit. He doesn't cuddle, he doesn't stay longer
• 2:06
  Speaker 2: than an hour, and he's so sneaky. I generally don't
• 2:09
  Speaker 2: hear from either man unless we're together, which never bothered
• 2:12
  Speaker 2: me because it is just sex. We're doing this week
• 2:14
  Speaker 2: is different. I went away on holidays for a week,
• 2:17
  Speaker 2: and I noticed that during that time I was thinking
• 2:18
  Speaker 2: about men One every day, hoping he would message me.
• 2:22
  Speaker 2: Obviously he didn't. I know he's not the type to
• 2:24
  Speaker 2: commit and be monogamous, yet he treats me like his queen.
• 2:27
  Speaker 2: I was so confused. I got home four days earlier
• 2:30
  Speaker 2: than anticipated, and I used this time to move forward
• 2:32
  Speaker 2: to some doctor's appointments that I had. I decided to
• 2:35
  Speaker 2: get my iud insert done. This is my choice and
• 2:38
  Speaker 2: I'm doing it for me. So I didn't really tell
• 2:39
  Speaker 2: anyone until Man Too messaged me asking how I was.
• 2:43
  Speaker 2: I told him I wasn't feeling well after the doctor visit,
• 2:45
  Speaker 2: and I didn't specify why. He came over and he
• 2:48
  Speaker 2: then saw me in bed not feeling well, had the
• 2:50
  Speaker 2: worst cramps, and he decided to get in bed with
• 2:52
  Speaker 2: me and have a cuddle. What the hell? I did
• 2:54
  Speaker 2: not expect that this was around midday. This happened later
• 2:57
  Speaker 2: that night. He texted me says, check your front door.
• 3:01
  Speaker 2: I go outside to find a coal's bag full of
• 3:02
  Speaker 2: chips and chocolate, and then he texts me, I hope
• 3:04
  Speaker 2: you feel better soon. Now I've got Man two being
• 3:08
  Speaker 2: super nice and Man one doing what feels like a
• 3:10
  Speaker 2: slow exit, even though he sends messages like I'm glad
• 3:13
  Speaker 2: you made it back safe. I'm so confused. Sex with
• 3:17
  Speaker 2: both men is amazing, and obviously it does a little
• 3:19
  Speaker 2: more for me when it's with Man one, though I've
• 3:21
  Speaker 2: decided not to reach out to Man one because maybe
• 3:23
  Speaker 2: I'm annoying him and maybe Man two. I don't really
• 3:26
  Speaker 2: go out of my way to text anyway, so that's fine.
• 3:28
  Speaker 2: I just find myself thinking about Man one too much
• 3:30
  Speaker 2: and I'm not sure what to do about it. I'd
• 3:32
  Speaker 2: be bothered if he was sleeping with somebody else, but
• 3:34
  Speaker 2: realistically I can't be because we're only casual and that's
• 3:37
  Speaker 2: exactly what I'm doing. I've never seen two people casually
• 3:40
  Speaker 2: at the same time before, so please help me. I'm thirty,
• 3:43
  Speaker 2: by the way, I do want to partner, but right
• 3:45
  Speaker 2: now I'm just taking what I can get, which is
• 3:47
  Speaker 2: fun and easy sex. Oh wow, goodness.
• 3:52
  Speaker 1: I wonder is Man one, like she said, he's not
• 3:55
  Speaker 1: wanting to be monogamous and commit Is that factual? Have
• 3:58
  Speaker 1: you asked him that? Is that one hundred percent true?
• 4:00
  Speaker 1: Is there no chance of you guys having a relationship
• 4:02
  Speaker 1: because he sounds amazing. Yeah, he sounds amazing, and maybe
• 4:05
  Speaker 1: he thinks that's all you want because that's all you've
• 4:07
  Speaker 1: ever done. I would be opening up that converas, especially
• 4:09
  Speaker 1: if you've caught feelings and he's just he sounds beautiful,
• 4:13
  Speaker 1: I'd be asking.
• 4:14
  Speaker 2: It's clear that you've caught feelings. Yeah, and I understand
• 4:17
  Speaker 2: the feeling of you being confused. But from reading that,
• 4:20
  Speaker 2: in my head, what kept coming up was like, you
• 4:22
  Speaker 2: like Man one. Yeah, you like Man one, like you
• 4:24
  Speaker 2: were locked in, probably more than you think that you are.
• 4:26
  Speaker 1: I think so too.
• 4:27
  Speaker 2: And it's easy to be confused because this other man
• 4:29
  Speaker 2: is now showing you interest. And is it just because
• 4:31
  Speaker 2: it's the attention? Yeah, Like you clearly know that this
• 4:33
  Speaker 2: man is emotionally unavailable, doesn't really want anything more. You
• 4:36
  Speaker 2: know that it's just sex. So are you confused or
• 4:39
  Speaker 2: is it just that you like the attention from him?
• 4:41
  Speaker 1: I think so? Man number two and number two sorry,
• 4:44
  Speaker 1: good attention. It's easy.
• 4:46
  Speaker 2: Sex feels good and now he's like being exercised, and
• 4:48
  Speaker 2: because he's not normally like that, you're like, oh wow,
• 4:51
  Speaker 2: this is upside to him when he's shown you kind
• 4:53
  Speaker 2: of what he's available for.
• 4:55
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I think, man, mind you just see is sex?
• 4:56
  Speaker 1: I think you know that you don't want anything further.
• 4:58
  Speaker 1: Why peoples hasn't have a conversation ask the questions? But
• 5:01
  Speaker 1: maybe I've been with someone for too long? Is it
• 5:03
  Speaker 1: daunting because you're scared of reject or you don't want
• 5:05
  Speaker 1: what you've got to actually change and that's why you
• 5:07
  Speaker 1: avoid it. Because I would just be like, hey, this
• 5:10
  Speaker 1: is feeling really good, Like where are you at with us?
• 5:12
  Speaker 1: Are you happy doing this? Are you wanting to develop
• 5:15
  Speaker 1: anything further? I just confused because we act X y
• 5:18
  Speaker 1: Z and then we're not.
• 5:20
  Speaker 2: I maybe think this is my assumption. Yeah, people assume that,
• 5:23
  Speaker 2: like it's not cool to show that you care, you know,
• 5:26
  Speaker 2: because there's so much stuff on social media around like
• 5:29
  Speaker 2: being a black cat and like being hard to get
• 5:31
  Speaker 2: and not showing a feeling a game you're playing the game. Yeah,
• 5:33
  Speaker 2: that it's like having conversations anymore, you know, even just
• 5:37
  Speaker 2: to get transparency of like hey, like where are you at?
• 5:39
  Speaker 1: I wouldn't be down for that. It's exhausting, No, thank you.
• 5:41
  Speaker 1: I don't want to There's no way or play that game. Yeah,
• 5:44
  Speaker 1: it just doesn't seem fun. Yeah, So just know where
• 5:46
  Speaker 1: you're at. Oh, absolutely, and just so you know. And
• 5:48
  Speaker 1: so it's clarity around the situation.
• 5:50
  Speaker 2: Especially if you're in a situation like this, I feel
• 5:53
  Speaker 2: like there almost has to be more communication so that
• 5:56
  Speaker 2: the boundaries are set from the get go. Otherwise you
• 5:58
  Speaker 2: put yourself in this gray area to get hurt and
• 6:00
  Speaker 2: have your feelings to evolve when you have no idea
• 6:03
  Speaker 2: where this man is at. That sounds like a recipe
• 6:04
  Speaker 2: for disaster.
• 6:05
  Speaker 1: And you're leaking energy into Man number two when you
• 6:07
  Speaker 1: clearly like Man number one. You said you wouldn't like
• 6:09
  Speaker 1: Men number one to be with someone else, but it's
• 6:11
  Speaker 1: what you're doing. I'd be cleaning up my side of
• 6:14
  Speaker 1: late verse before having that conversation as well. Yeah, I'd
• 6:17
  Speaker 1: be cutting man too often, not having leaky energy to
• 6:19
  Speaker 1: him when my heart's somewhere else.
• 6:20
  Speaker 2: And that's also something you have to be willing to
• 6:22
  Speaker 2: do as well. Yeah, you are like dealing with Man
• 6:25
  Speaker 2: one and two, but you like Man one. You have
• 6:28
  Speaker 2: to be willing to get rid of men too. Yeah,
• 6:30
  Speaker 2: and then have the conversation with Man one and might
• 6:33
  Speaker 2: be okay with it if he rejects you, and you
• 6:35
  Speaker 2: still get rid of men too. Yes, don't regret that decision.
• 6:38
  Speaker 2: That's a decision of you cleaning up your behavior to
• 6:40
  Speaker 2: then pursue what it is that you want.
• 6:43
  Speaker 1: Truly want.
• 6:43
  Speaker 2: Does that make sense?
• 6:44
  Speaker 1: It does? And also, out of respect for man number two,
• 6:47
  Speaker 1: let him go to like, don't string him along when
• 6:49
  Speaker 1: your heart's and not that he's winning a relationship either.
• 6:52
  Speaker 1: But I don't know. It just feels icky for me.
• 6:54
  Speaker 1: But I also I'm old and married, so I don't
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  Speaker 1: know if I'm qualified to give this feel like i'm single.
• 6:59
  Speaker 2: I'm not married and I'm single, and that just it
• 7:00
  Speaker 2: does feel icky because it's you have to be the
• 7:03
  Speaker 2: standard you want others to.
• 7:05
  Speaker 1: Yeah for you, I've seen you speak about this on
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: your TikTok's quite often. I'm learning a lot.
• 7:09
  Speaker 2: Talk about this true until the cows come home, because
• 7:12
  Speaker 2: we don't get to have double standards. If you would
• 7:14
  Speaker 2: be so upset that either of those men would be
• 7:16
  Speaker 2: sleeping with another woman, don't be doing that shit exactly.
• 7:19
  Speaker 2: You know, it's not even just about them. It's for
• 7:22
  Speaker 2: your own self respect, to integrity. It's your integrity, it's
• 7:25
  Speaker 2: your morals, it's being a good person and also knowing
• 7:27
  Speaker 2: that the energy that you're putting out is what you'll
• 7:29
  Speaker 2: get back. Yes, right, so true. Just making sure that
• 7:31
  Speaker 2: you're doing your own stuff, cleaning up your own shit first,
• 7:35
  Speaker 2: and then know that you'll actually attract good people who
• 7:37
  Speaker 2: are aligned with you.
• 7:38
  Speaker 1: I wonder if Man one too, not that he knows
• 7:40
  Speaker 1: you're sleeping with someone else, but maybe he's really in
• 7:42
  Speaker 1: tune and he's like, I can feel that she's not
• 7:44
  Speaker 1: fully here, because if you're giving energy to Man number two,
• 7:47
  Speaker 1: he would feel you're not fully there. Yes, so it's
• 7:49
  Speaker 1: like why would he entertain a girl that's sleeping with
• 7:50
  Speaker 1: some other guy as well?
• 7:52
  Speaker 2: And slow you won't take you seriously and a slow
• 7:54
  Speaker 2: exit like this man even know that you have feelings
• 7:57
  Speaker 2: for him. Yeah, that's a whole other conversation too. Yeah,
• 7:59
  Speaker 2: you know, you guys are just sleeping together. From his perspective,
• 8:02
  Speaker 2: you probably just want just sex. Yeah, that this is
• 8:05
  Speaker 2: why conversation is so important.
• 8:07
  Speaker 1: So important, I understand from his perspective too, Like if
• 8:10
  Speaker 1: I was single, I would be pursuing a guy that
• 8:12
  Speaker 1: was fucking someone else. It's not the kind of man
• 8:14
  Speaker 1: I want to be with. Yeah, and imagine if he
• 8:16
  Speaker 1: knew you were sleeping with someone else, he pro'll be like, oh,
• 8:18
  Speaker 1: that's not the kind of girl I want to be with. Yes,
• 8:20
  Speaker 1: but once again, how do you know this stuff?
• 8:22
  Speaker 2: You need to communicate yes, and even if it is
• 8:25
  Speaker 2: just a conversation of hey, this has been really fun.
• 8:29
  Speaker 1: The last six months have been great, more than great. Actually,
• 8:32
  Speaker 1: I love my time with you. This is where I'm at.
• 8:34
  Speaker 2: Where are you at? I'm so curious, just so I
• 8:36
  Speaker 2: know how to behave moving forward? Boom done, conversation over exactly,
• 8:40
  Speaker 2: give you yes. No, hopefully he's honest. Yeah, hopefully you know,
• 8:44
  Speaker 2: and then you'll know yeah, because maybe it'll be like, oh,
• 8:46
  Speaker 2: from here, like does he want to keep sleeping together?
• 8:48
  Speaker 2: Does he want something more? Does he want to stop entirely?
• 8:50
  Speaker 2: At least you'll know.
• 8:51
  Speaker 1: I don't know. Do you even ask that question of like,
• 8:53
  Speaker 1: you know, obviously we're not a couple, so I'm assuming
• 8:55
  Speaker 1: you're talking to other women, like how do you feel? Like? Yeah,
• 8:58
  Speaker 1: there's so many questions to ask. I just want to
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: know where we're both at, sore on the same page,
• 9:02
  Speaker 1: so we prevent one of us getting hurt later on
• 9:04
  Speaker 1: or feeling disappointed, and then there's also like STDs and things.
• 9:08
  Speaker 1: If you're sleeping around you kind of I'm assuming, do
• 9:10
  Speaker 1: you let the other person know you'd need to be
• 9:12
  Speaker 1: getting checked quite regularly. I mean, I hope they're using condoms.
• 9:15
  Speaker 1: I suppose it's another whole he has a whole other
• 9:18
  Speaker 1: com so go there. But out of respect, I would
• 9:21
  Speaker 1: hope if I was single and I was sleeping with
• 9:23
  Speaker 1: a man and he went and slept with another woman,
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: he'd come back and say, hey, I did see with
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: someone on the weekend without a condom. You maybe need
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: to go and get checked.
• 9:30
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 9:30
  Speaker 1: I don't know. I just I would hope, Yeah, it
• 9:31
  Speaker 1: would be that respectful to me.
• 9:33
  Speaker 2: I would hope, you know, Yeah, I don't think people
• 9:35
  Speaker 2: are No, I don't think as much as I would
• 9:37
  Speaker 2: love to. I'm like, like you'll in any very well, No,
• 9:40
  Speaker 2: not at all, not at all. But it's just it's
• 9:42
  Speaker 2: you would want to hope that people would be like that,
• 9:44
  Speaker 2: But I can't imagine that people would be super you know,
• 9:49
  Speaker 2: in that sense, and they should be, yeah, especially they're
• 9:51
  Speaker 2: sleeping with multiple people. I think the women or the
• 9:53
  Speaker 2: men whoever's doing it have it right to know. Yeah,
• 9:56
  Speaker 2: But then I think maybe I assume the conversation might
• 10:00
  Speaker 2: in their head might go, well, if I'm not in
• 10:02
  Speaker 2: a committed relationship with this person, I don't don't know
• 10:04
  Speaker 2: if I.
• 10:04
  Speaker 1: Am disclose this. Yeah, true, and if we're using condoms
• 10:07
  Speaker 1: and not catching anything anyway.
• 10:08
  Speaker 2: But it depends on the person yea where they're at mentally,
• 10:11
  Speaker 2: so true.
• 10:12
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I don't know. We hope this has helped, and
• 10:14
  Speaker 1: just know that this is exactly how we would be
• 10:17
  Speaker 1: with each other if one of us are going through.
• 10:19
  Speaker 1: This is the advice we'll give. Take it with a
• 10:20
  Speaker 1: grain of salt. I hope this has come across nicely.
• 10:22
  Speaker 1: It's just honest, even from hearing what she's saying. I
• 10:26
  Speaker 1: think you already know what's happening. Yes, and I think
• 10:29
  Speaker 1: you can feel it doesn't line up with who you
• 10:31
  Speaker 1: want to be sleeping with two men at once. You've
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: never done it before, and yes, you want fun, easy sex.
• 10:35
  Speaker 1: I can feel that this isn't feeling good for you. Yeah,
• 10:39
  Speaker 1: and I think you have more feelings for feeling for
• 10:41
  Speaker 1: Man one that you're acknowledging.
• 10:43
  Speaker 2: Yes, then maybe Man two is just like a distraction
• 10:46
  Speaker 2: for you, Yeah, feeling.
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: Because attention is great. Without attention, we got it. Not
• 10:49
  Speaker 1: judging you, No, not at all.
• 10:50
  Speaker 2: We love attention. But then it's like, yeah, it does
• 10:53
  Speaker 2: it ALIGNE?
• 10:53
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it does it ALIGNE?
• 10:54
  Speaker 2: Is it really what you want? Sounds to me like
• 10:56
  Speaker 2: after reading that, I'm like, you want men one? What
• 10:58
  Speaker 2: are you doing?
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: What are you doing? If either don't work out, then
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: you've had your fun with them and then you can
• 11:04
  Speaker 1: open yourself up to meeting the one. But while your
• 11:06
  Speaker 1: energy's over here, you're not going to be open to
• 11:08
  Speaker 1: meetings a prison.
• 11:09
  Speaker 2: That's why I mentioned before. Don't regret if you get
• 11:12
  Speaker 2: rejected and you cut him off. Yeah, just honor that
• 11:15
  Speaker 2: decision that you did that because you did it out
• 11:17
  Speaker 2: of integrity, not like, oh shit, now I can't go
• 11:20
  Speaker 2: back to manto. It's no, like, yeah, you know, honor yourself.
• 11:24
  Speaker 1: Oh we hope that helped. Thanks for joining us for
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: our best episode and slide into our DMS or jump
• 11:28
  Speaker 1: into the Shoe Riser's Facebook forum if you want to
• 11:30
  Speaker 1: submit your bestie advice and we can help you out
• 11:32
  Speaker 1: as well.
• 11:32
  Speaker 2: Thanks on the next one.
• 11:33
  Speaker 1: Bye bye,