Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / My UNEXPECTED break up….…. EXPOSING OURSELVES 👀🙀… In our relationships!

Transcript

My UNEXPECTED break up….…. EXPOSING OURSELVES 👀🙀… In our relationships! · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

0:05
Speaker 1: Apogee Production. Welcome to the She Risers podcast. I'm Ashy
0:13
Speaker 1: and I'm Tiana.
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Speaker 2: This podcast is about female empowerment.
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Speaker 3: And encouraging you to be your biggest, boldest, and most
0:19
Speaker 3: authentic version of yourself.
0:20
Speaker 1: We'd help you shed the shame, grow to a new level.
0:23
Speaker 1: We're gonna laugh, cry, and talk about the topics everyone
0:26
Speaker 1: else is too afraid to talk about.
0:28
Speaker 3: Get ready for your next level of self.
0:31
Speaker 1: Hello everybody, Welcome back to Shoe Guysers with your favorite hosts,
0:34
Speaker 1: Ashley and Tiana. Hello. Today's episode is all about relationships.
0:38
Speaker 1: We are diving deep. We are exposing ourselves. We are
0:41
Speaker 1: letting you know that our gal is single.
0:43
Speaker 2: I'm single gal.
0:45
Speaker 1: But before we get into all the tea, what's your
0:46
Speaker 1: share of the week?
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Speaker 3: My share of the week is simply just a perspective shift.
0:50
Speaker 3: If you don't use it.
0:51
Speaker 2: You lose it.
0:52
Speaker 1: Oh so true.
0:53
Speaker 3: And this applies to everything in life, whether it be
0:56
Speaker 3: your confidence, whether it be you're going to the gym,
0:58
Speaker 3: whether it be your ability to be consistent in your work, in.
1:01
Speaker 1: Your anything, really anything.
1:03
Speaker 3: Yeah, honestly, if you you can just consistently work towards
1:07
Speaker 3: the things that you're working towards you will always feel better,
1:10
Speaker 3: you'll always feel more consistent. But if you stop doing it,
1:12
Speaker 3: you're going to lose it. You're not gonna feel as confident.
1:14
Speaker 3: So just remember that you haven't fallen off.
1:16
Speaker 2: You've just walked into another room.
1:18
Speaker 1: It feels hard, right if you stop it. Consistency is
1:21
Speaker 1: key for everything. Yeah, really is mine? Is just a
1:24
Speaker 1: quote that I saw on Jay Shetty's Instagram. You lose
1:28
Speaker 1: nothing by wanting everyone to win, and you win nothing
1:33
Speaker 1: by wanting everyone to lose.
1:35
Speaker 3: Oh cool, Yeah, that's a cool perspective.
1:38
Speaker 2: It's so true. It doesn't take much to just like
1:40
Speaker 2: want good for other people.
1:42
Speaker 1: You win wanting everyone to win, and then it doesn't
1:44
Speaker 1: benefit you. Nothing takes away from you with other people winning.
1:47
Speaker 1: Even in this competitive space of business, there's room for everyone. Yeah,
1:52
Speaker 1: the right customers for you're going to connect with what
1:54
Speaker 1: you do and love what you do, and if not,
1:56
Speaker 1: they'll go elsewhere.
1:56
Speaker 2: That's so true.
1:57
Speaker 1: Yes, there's competition, but I just think there's room for everyone,
1:59
Speaker 1: and you just have to stand out and be different
2:01
Speaker 1: and stay in your own lane.
2:02
Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah, Blinder is on.
2:04
Speaker 1: Love it all right, let's get into it. So it's
2:06
Speaker 1: a big episode. Like we said before, we are diving
2:08
Speaker 1: deep into all things relationships. We're going to talk about
2:10
Speaker 1: how we show up a relationship, things that we carry
2:13
Speaker 1: shame for. I'm going to talk very vulnerably about how
2:16
Speaker 1: you used to treat step in certain ways. But first
2:19
Speaker 1: of all, the elephant in the room, no more silver Fox,
2:22
Speaker 1: you're single?
2:23
Speaker 2: No more silver Fuck?
2:24
Speaker 1: What the fuck happened? Tell all?
2:27
Speaker 2: What do you want to know?
2:28
Speaker 1: I want to know everything, because obviously you have spoken
2:31
Speaker 1: a little bit about your relationship the last couple of months,
2:33
Speaker 1: and it was kind of new, and you did dive
2:37
Speaker 1: deep in with him. What happened?
2:40
Speaker 3: I know that I've spoken quite highly of him on
2:41
Speaker 3: the podcast, and again I'm not going to come on
2:44
Speaker 3: here and not speak highly of him. But there were
2:46
Speaker 3: things in the relationship that just weren't working out, and
2:48
Speaker 3: things that I missed from the very beginning that I
2:51
Speaker 3: wish I had paid attention to more that my intuition
2:54
Speaker 3: was saying, Hey, you need to look at this like
2:56
Speaker 3: this isn't something that you want in a partner. And
2:59
Speaker 3: it's not to shit on him as a person whatsoever,
3:01
Speaker 3: but it's just from the very beginning, I remember one like.
3:05
Speaker 2: I wasn't ready.
3:06
Speaker 3: Yeah, so I knew that and I felt that, and
3:09
Speaker 3: I actually ended things before they had even started, and
3:11
Speaker 3: then we came back into contact and then it kind
3:13
Speaker 3: of went from there. But I became a person that
3:16
Speaker 3: I'm not proud of. The relationship evoked in me, like
3:19
Speaker 3: a version of myself that I don't want to be.
3:22
Speaker 1: Can you give you an example what came out in
3:23
Speaker 1: you in the relationship that you were like, Oh, wow,
3:26
Speaker 1: this is not bringing out a good side of me.
3:27
Speaker 3: I yelled at him out the front of a restaurant.
3:30
Speaker 1: Wow.
3:30
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, I yelled at him.
3:32
Speaker 1: So out of character for you. You're just not an
3:34
Speaker 1: angry person. And when you communicate, it's always delivered so
3:37
Speaker 1: respectfully and kindly and calmly. So that's really out of
3:41
Speaker 1: character for you.
3:41
Speaker 3: I got up from the table at a restaurant at
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Speaker 3: ten o'clock in the morning, surrounded by people, got up,
3:48
Speaker 3: left the table when we had already ordered our food,
3:50
Speaker 3: and walked out, and he followed me out and I
3:52
Speaker 3: yelled at him to get away from me. All I
3:54
Speaker 3: needed was a minute, to take a minute, because I
3:56
Speaker 3: was so disregulated at what he was fighting with me about.
4:01
Speaker 3: It was like something that had been delayed from you know,
4:03
Speaker 3: a couple of days. So it was a up and
4:05
Speaker 3: a build up of things. We were both bickering at
4:08
Speaker 3: each other at and I remember like yelling at him,
4:11
Speaker 3: being like, I need you to leave me alone.
4:13
Speaker 1: It just pushed a bit too far.
4:14
Speaker 3: He pushed and I just needed to regulate myself, but
4:17
Speaker 3: he wouldn't give me the space. And it was like
4:20
Speaker 3: so overwhelming in the moment. But what I noticed throughout
4:24
Speaker 3: the relationship and something that I spoke to him often about,
4:27
Speaker 3: he would antagonize me. Don't get me wrong, he was
4:29
Speaker 3: a great human as a beautiful man. He's a beautiful
4:32
Speaker 3: man and like I truly truly believe that, but when triggered.
4:36
Speaker 1: I can't hold it for each other.
4:37
Speaker 2: We can't hold it for each other.
4:38
Speaker 1: It was really cool throughout this process though, because Tianna
4:41
Speaker 1: and I talk a lot about attachment styles, and if
4:43
Speaker 1: you haven't learned about them, highly recommend it because it
4:46
Speaker 1: is game change and once you understand your attachment style
4:49
Speaker 1: and other people's and also how you can flip depending
4:52
Speaker 1: on the person. And you noticed in this dynamic he
4:56
Speaker 1: was more of anxious and in your last relationship, you
4:59
Speaker 1: were more anxious. Yeah, so you had a lot of
5:01
Speaker 1: compassion for where he was at. And you can see
5:03
Speaker 1: how you shut up in your last lifelationship, and it
5:05
Speaker 1: was really cool for you to be like, WHOA, I
5:07
Speaker 1: can really see how this is playing out and how
5:09
Speaker 1: he feels how I felt, And it was really cool
5:12
Speaker 1: to like see the dynamic switch. You found that really interesting.
5:16
Speaker 3: It was a really eye opening experience for me because,
5:19
Speaker 3: like what you mentioned, in my last relationship, I did
5:21
Speaker 3: fall on the more anxious side, but in this relationship
5:24
Speaker 3: I went to the complete opposite end. And I can
5:27
Speaker 3: tend to do that like I have it what they
5:28
Speaker 3: call like a disorganized attachment. So what happens is you
5:31
Speaker 3: experience both. You can lean both anxious and you can
5:34
Speaker 3: lean both avoidant, depending on the situation that you're in.
5:36
Speaker 3: So for me in this relationship, I felt to the
5:39
Speaker 3: more avoidant side. And what that evoked that dynamic.
5:43
Speaker 1: It was like a push and pull.
5:44
Speaker 3: Dynamic of me leaning out or in his words, not
5:47
Speaker 3: caring as much and him being the one that was
5:50
Speaker 3: pouring two hundred percent to the relationship, but I was
5:52
Speaker 3: only pouring in one hundred and those were his words.
5:55
Speaker 1: And when the avoidant avoids, the anxious leans in more,
5:59
Speaker 1: which makes the avoidant lean out more. And it's this
6:02
Speaker 1: vicious cycle. We've all played it, everyone has to, even
6:05
Speaker 1: I have played that dynamic. We've switched roles. Everyone that
6:07
Speaker 1: is listening. You can understand it's not one person's bad
6:11
Speaker 1: or it's wrong. It's true, not at all. Different dynamics
6:13
Speaker 1: will bring out different attachments.
6:14
Speaker 3: True, different things, right, Because in this relationship dynamic, whenever
6:18
Speaker 3: he would lean in, I would be like, oh my god,
6:20
Speaker 3: I need space. I feel like I'm not getting enough space.
6:23
Speaker 3: And also for him, he wanted me to be more
6:26
Speaker 3: of like the stay at home mum and to be
6:27
Speaker 3: taken care of and all that stuff. And don't get
6:29
Speaker 3: me wrong, I love all of that and think there's
6:31
Speaker 3: anything wrong with that. But for me, I would always
6:33
Speaker 3: press the point of like being independent and wanting my
6:36
Speaker 3: own money and wanting to be able to provide for
6:39
Speaker 3: myself and all of those things, because I think women
6:41
Speaker 3: should have that. I think every woman should know how
6:43
Speaker 3: to be able to provide for themselves, make their own money,
6:46
Speaker 3: and to be able to support themselves financially, and then
6:48
Speaker 3: if they want their partners to come and do that
6:50
Speaker 3: on top, like it's a bonus, right, because then it
6:52
Speaker 3: comes from a protecting place. It comes from I'm going
6:55
Speaker 3: to provide for you, but not I need to rely
6:57
Speaker 3: on you financially to support me.
6:59
Speaker 2: And for him, he didn't.
7:01
Speaker 3: Really love that, Like he didn't love that I wanted
7:03
Speaker 3: to be more independent, and it would cause fights between us. Yeah,
7:07
Speaker 3: and so I would need space and want to pull away,
7:10
Speaker 3: and then he would come closer, and then I would
7:12
Speaker 3: get even further away. It's really interesting when you have
7:15
Speaker 3: more awareness, you're aware of what you're doing, but in
7:19
Speaker 3: the moment it's so triggering that you need the space.
7:22
Speaker 1: One hundred percent. And I think from what I've heard
7:24
Speaker 1: from you too, and you can put it in your
7:25
Speaker 1: own words, but he really wanted it to be you
7:29
Speaker 1: two against the world, solid team. Not that you didn't
7:31
Speaker 1: want a team, but just you two and no one
7:33
Speaker 1: else mattered. He really wanted that in a relationship. Obviously
7:36
Speaker 1: values that and that's fine. But for you, it's like,
7:38
Speaker 1: I've also got girlfriends, I've also got passion projects, I've
7:41
Speaker 1: also got hobbies. I've also got a big family. You
7:43
Speaker 1: had so many other things going on in your life,
7:45
Speaker 1: So if you would decline hanging out with him or
7:48
Speaker 1: doing something with him because you had other things planned.
7:50
Speaker 1: He then was like, but I want to be with you.
7:52
Speaker 1: We should be doing this together. Why would you want
7:54
Speaker 1: to go on a girls ship? Like, let's do that together.
7:56
Speaker 1: So it was that valuing different things and wanting different
7:59
Speaker 1: things that also can cause a bit of conflict or
8:01
Speaker 1: just friction of like, oh, are we wanting different things?
8:03
Speaker 2: It was a bit of friction.
8:05
Speaker 3: And I think also us being at different stages of
8:07
Speaker 3: life as well, like he was I feel very ready
8:10
Speaker 3: to settle down, get married, have children, and that was
8:13
Speaker 3: something that he very much vocalized that he wanted within
8:16
Speaker 3: the dynamic and relationship because he was that very like
8:19
Speaker 3: it's us against the world kind of Bonnie and Clyde
8:21
Speaker 3: kind of relationship. And that's so beautiful, and you know what,
8:24
Speaker 3: he is a beautiful man, and he did treat me
8:27
Speaker 3: so beautifully and always wanted me to be happy and always,
8:30
Speaker 3: you know, made sure that you know, he was always
8:33
Speaker 3: checking like are you happy? Like are you this at?
8:35
Speaker 3: Like what do you want? And he would intuitively do
8:38
Speaker 3: things that he would know would make me happy, you know.
8:40
Speaker 3: But then also on the flip side of that there
8:43
Speaker 3: was also this aspect of our relationship where it was
8:46
Speaker 3: very turbulent as well, Like I remember coming to you
8:49
Speaker 3: and saying all the time, I'm exhausted from doing this
8:52
Speaker 3: dance with him because he's like gets so emotionally upset
8:57
Speaker 3: at everything that I do. I feel like nothing that
8:59
Speaker 3: I do is good enough because there's always something that's
9:02
Speaker 3: a problem.
9:03
Speaker 1: I felt like a dimmed your light a little bit
9:04
Speaker 1: because you were almost like if I do that, I
9:07
Speaker 1: hope that doesn't upset him, or if I say this,
9:09
Speaker 1: oh gosh, I wonder how he responded that I book this, Oh,
9:12
Speaker 1: but I just need to check with Lee. And it's
9:14
Speaker 1: from a caring place, but from an outside it made
9:17
Speaker 1: you not be as free to just be your authentic
9:19
Speaker 1: self because you didn't want to upset him.
9:21
Speaker 3: To some degree, I felt that there was a certain
9:24
Speaker 3: image that he wanted me to uphold, because he would say, like,
9:26
Speaker 3: I'm quite a conservative person, and don't get me wrong,
9:29
Speaker 3: like so am I too, but there are levels to it, right,
9:32
Speaker 3: and so obviously my level was different to his level,
9:34
Speaker 3: and he wanted me and to show people on the
9:36
Speaker 3: outside of like a certain image and like I so
9:40
Speaker 3: get that, like there's nothing wrong with that, but for me,
9:42
Speaker 3: it felt like it put a lid on my expression
9:45
Speaker 3: and my personality and who I actually am that I
9:48
Speaker 3: was starting to question and go, okay, can I do this?
9:51
Speaker 2: Am I allowed to do this?
9:52
Speaker 3: Like for thinking, what's it called like when you foresee
9:55
Speaker 3: the future of like, yes, okay, this is going to
9:57
Speaker 3: upset him, I shouldn't say that. Walking on eggshells, I
10:00
Speaker 3: started to like limit myself and from.
10:02
Speaker 1: A considerate place, because you're a very considerate.
10:04
Speaker 3: Pros from a considerate place, like there were you know,
10:07
Speaker 3: many times where I would post something on the podcast
10:10
Speaker 3: so you'd be like, I don't like this, this doesn't
10:12
Speaker 3: feel good for me. And like, as a team, I
10:14
Speaker 3: understand why he would say that. And then also as
10:17
Speaker 3: a partner, of course, I want to be able to
10:19
Speaker 3: show up for you and make you know as my
10:21
Speaker 3: partner that I'm going to do those things for you.
10:24
Speaker 3: But there's also where's the line in that, where's the
10:26
Speaker 3: line of like compromising versus shutting down your expression? And
10:32
Speaker 3: I think especially when we would fight and argue, it
10:35
Speaker 3: would escalate so quickly that it would be like he'd
10:37
Speaker 3: be threatening We'll just like leave them. You know, and
10:40
Speaker 3: for me, I've said this to Ashley so many times.
10:42
Speaker 3: All I've want in a partner is someone who can
10:45
Speaker 3: be still respectful regardless of how mad they are. And
10:48
Speaker 3: within this relationship, I felt like I wasn't listening to
10:51
Speaker 3: what I needed because I could see that it was turbulent.
10:55
Speaker 3: I could see that we were arguing and fighting and
10:57
Speaker 3: it was getting more frequent.
10:58
Speaker 2: Even when we went to Byron.
11:00
Speaker 3: Right before I came to Byron to hang out with
11:01
Speaker 3: everyone for New Years, we had a fight in the car.
11:04
Speaker 3: I was late for like hours because we were arguing
11:06
Speaker 3: in the car, you know, And it's just I was like,
11:08
Speaker 3: what is happening like for somebody who's been in this
11:11
Speaker 3: for three months or how long it was, that we
11:14
Speaker 3: are bickering and arguing so intensely that this is not okay,
11:18
Speaker 3: Like something about this is not right. And there's a
11:21
Speaker 3: difference between arguing.
11:23
Speaker 1: And growing together and growing together.
11:26
Speaker 3: Being able to hold each other's triggers to oh wow,
11:29
Speaker 3: this actually doesn't feel right with relationships.
11:32
Speaker 1: My personal opinion, you want it to be peaceful on
11:36
Speaker 1: your nervous system. Doesn't mean there's not going to be
11:38
Speaker 1: turbulent times, but being able to navigate that together, but
11:40
Speaker 1: fewers like Hi, Hi, lo low, It's gonna happen.
11:45
Speaker 3: It was, It was so if, so much emotional whiplash.
11:49
Speaker 3: It was so confusing, and especially when it comes to
11:52
Speaker 3: like being intimate. Any woman who's listening knows what this
11:54
Speaker 3: feels like, and his knows exactly what I'm about to say.
11:57
Speaker 3: When you have that turbulent kind of emotional whiplash where
12:01
Speaker 3: you're going high highs and low lows, you don't want
12:03
Speaker 3: to have sex with them, No, like you don't because emotionally, yeah,
12:06
Speaker 3: your body closes up energetically and physically, and the last
12:10
Speaker 3: thing that you want to do after just having gone
12:12
Speaker 3: at each other for three hours is to literally just
12:14
Speaker 3: have sex in order to repair the relationship. Whereas, like
12:17
Speaker 3: for him, physical touch and being physical is.
12:20
Speaker 2: How you repair.
12:20
Speaker 3: It's like the final way back to normal. But for me,
12:23
Speaker 3: I'm like, well, now I need two days.
12:25
Speaker 1: I need to feel safe, I need to connect, I
12:26
Speaker 1: need you to feel my pain, need to feel validated.
12:28
Speaker 1: We need to solve this, we need to make sure
12:29
Speaker 1: this doesn't happen again. There's so much connection and safe
12:32
Speaker 1: you need.
12:32
Speaker 3: Unred percent and even something that I've never wanted to
12:35
Speaker 3: actually allow in a relationship is like disrespect.
12:38
Speaker 2: But he did in some way, do you know what
12:40
Speaker 2: I mean?
12:41
Speaker 3: Like there was a moment where we were having an
12:42
Speaker 3: argument and he told me to fuck off because of
12:44
Speaker 3: something that I said. And that was the moment for
12:46
Speaker 3: me where I was just like, this is not it. Yeah.
12:48
Speaker 3: I was like my future husband would fucking never speak
12:50
Speaker 3: to me like that. And it was just this pivotal
12:52
Speaker 3: like oh my god, yeah, this is not it for me,
12:56
Speaker 3: and I actually I'm done.
12:58
Speaker 1: Some things can't be undone. Yeah, don't forget how someone
13:01
Speaker 1: made you feel in that moment. And then I just
13:03
Speaker 1: remember you saying to me like, this is going to
13:05
Speaker 1: happen this moment what happens when we have kids and
13:08
Speaker 1: we go through really hard times together, Like is this
13:10
Speaker 1: is a noutial reaction that I'm going to have to
13:12
Speaker 1: like bear and hold the rest of my life. I
13:15
Speaker 1: can do that, That's right.
13:16
Speaker 3: And when that moment did happen, I remember saying to
13:18
Speaker 3: him like, I just feel really unsafe at the moment,
13:20
Speaker 3: like he was trying to touch and repair and all
13:22
Speaker 3: the things. I was like, I just need a minute,
13:23
Speaker 3: Like I know you didn't mean what you said. But
13:26
Speaker 3: I still feel unsafe in my body and I just
13:29
Speaker 3: need a moment to recoup so that I can come
13:31
Speaker 3: back to you and know that I'm going to be
13:32
Speaker 3: able to communicate with you in a way that's not
13:34
Speaker 3: aggressive or defensive or anything like that, because you know,
13:37
Speaker 3: obviously I'm not perfect in this relationship as well, Like okay,
13:43
Speaker 3: I don't know, I mean pretty close like and don't
13:49
Speaker 3: get me wrong, like I'm so capable of being a
13:51
Speaker 3: bitch and being defensive and passive aggressive in all the things,
13:54
Speaker 3: but it brought out that side of me that I'm
13:56
Speaker 3: not proud of being, and it's not someone that I
13:58
Speaker 3: want to be on a day to day basis. So again,
14:00
Speaker 3: I'm not saying that I'm perfect in this relationship. And
14:02
Speaker 3: I didn't contribute, because I absolutely did. And when we
14:05
Speaker 3: were in those fights and arguments, yes, I was getting
14:07
Speaker 3: defensive because of I felt like I had my backup
14:09
Speaker 3: against a wall, and obviously so did he, right, So
14:12
Speaker 3: it was like we just were not clashing in the
14:14
Speaker 3: way that we were meant to, and just for some
14:16
Speaker 3: reason us together just triggered each other's wounds. And it
14:21
Speaker 3: wasn't something that I thought.
14:22
Speaker 1: It was in a productive way. It wasn't productive in relationships,
14:25
Speaker 1: you know that you're going to be triggered and they
14:26
Speaker 1: are your biggest teachers vitally.
14:28
Speaker 3: As time went on and I started listening to more
14:30
Speaker 3: to my intuition, and I had more evidence that we
14:33
Speaker 3: were fighting all the time. And then I was, you know,
14:35
Speaker 3: future projecting into the future. What happens if we get married?
14:38
Speaker 3: Then what what happens if I have a baby? And
14:40
Speaker 3: then we're bickering in the way that we are now,
14:43
Speaker 3: Like what happens when we're not having sex? Then? You know,
14:46
Speaker 3: because for him, like a lot of closeness again was
14:50
Speaker 3: us repairing, And like when the sex was there, it
14:52
Speaker 3: was like the relationship is good, But when the sex
14:54
Speaker 3: wasn't there, it was like the relationship was on eggshells.
14:56
Speaker 3: Took place, he took it personally, it couldn't be stable
14:59
Speaker 3: without the sex element. And don't get me wrong, I
15:01
Speaker 3: also understand that sex is you know, it ties a
15:04
Speaker 3: relationationship in, but it's not the only thing.
15:06
Speaker 1: So many women listening will be like, oh my gosh,
15:09
Speaker 1: so been there, so felt that, so relatable. So thank
15:12
Speaker 1: you for being so honest and vulnerable, And I feel
15:15
Speaker 1: like you are so good at always cleaning up your
15:16
Speaker 1: own lane and taking responsibility. This is only all the nutshell,
15:19
Speaker 1: but there's been a lot of conversations and you're like, wow,
15:22
Speaker 1: I can really see how I need to work on this.
15:24
Speaker 1: Holy shit, that weren't still there. Oh that crept up again.
15:27
Speaker 1: I'm going to really work on that. You know, you
15:28
Speaker 1: take so much responsibility and really admire you for that.
15:31
Speaker 1: And relationships are not easy, No, they really are not,
15:34
Speaker 1: because I feel like you are someone who wants to
15:36
Speaker 1: do the work and you're so more than prepared to
15:38
Speaker 1: do that, but you do need the safe part and
15:40
Speaker 1: to be able to do that, and the personalities do
15:42
Speaker 1: need to mesh in some sort in some way.
15:44
Speaker 3: I think at the end of the day, it's just
15:46
Speaker 3: about me knowing that like it wasn't my person, yes,
15:49
Speaker 3: and like not putting pressure on myself to be like,
15:51
Speaker 3: oh shit, like it wasn't my person yeah.
15:54
Speaker 1: And also no regrets, because I remember you saying to
15:56
Speaker 1: me one comment it was like, you know, my intuition
15:59
Speaker 1: was there at the start, I shouldn't have gone into
16:00
Speaker 1: this relationship. I was like, I can see how you feel.
16:03
Speaker 1: But also no regrets, do you know, unless you try yes,
16:06
Speaker 1: I don't know. True, And you've learned so much in
16:09
Speaker 1: this relationship about how you want to be treated, what
16:11
Speaker 1: you can and can't have, the different parts you still
16:13
Speaker 1: need to work on. That's incredible. That's a part of
16:15
Speaker 1: your journey. It's a chapter that's closed. Yes, it's a
16:18
Speaker 1: chapter that taught you so much. So anyone listening, don't
16:21
Speaker 1: be like use that language of I shouldn't have gone there,
16:23
Speaker 1: I shouldn't have done that, because it was a part
16:25
Speaker 1: of your chapter. And now you're here and you get
16:27
Speaker 1: to take those lessons and use them moving forward. And
16:29
Speaker 1: that's beautiful.
16:30
Speaker 3: It's so true, and it is it's so beautiful. And
16:32
Speaker 3: it's something I've said to you before. And what I
16:34
Speaker 3: truly believe is that every relationship that I have, it
16:37
Speaker 3: increasingly gets better. So like I said to actually after
16:40
Speaker 3: I had broken up with him, I was like, I
16:41
Speaker 3: don't feel in lack. Like I don't feel in lack
16:44
Speaker 3: because I know that one. I've learned so much. I'm
16:47
Speaker 3: so grateful for it. I've learned more things about myself,
16:50
Speaker 3: about other people, how to be a better partner, what
16:53
Speaker 3: I don't want, what I don't want to do. And
16:55
Speaker 3: then also from there it's like, Okay, cool, well it's
16:57
Speaker 3: either this or something better. Yes, you know, it's either
17:00
Speaker 3: this or something better. And knowing that you know, now
17:02
Speaker 3: with this newfound awareness that I've had in this dynamic,
17:06
Speaker 3: I can then take that and grow and be better
17:08
Speaker 3: in the next one as well, which you can too.
17:10
Speaker 3: So I think that's a really powerful perspective to have,
17:13
Speaker 3: especially if you are in the dating world. It can
17:15
Speaker 3: be really easy to fall into that, like that lack
17:18
Speaker 3: mindset of like, oh, well it didn't work out. It
17:20
Speaker 3: must be because of me, or it didn't work out
17:22
Speaker 3: because something's wrong, or whatever reason you might have. But
17:26
Speaker 3: just being able to shift the perspective into is either
17:29
Speaker 3: this or something better? And with every relationship, I'm going
17:32
Speaker 3: to grow and become a grand eversion of myself.
17:34
Speaker 1: Love us So cool. All right, let's talk about exposing ourselves.
17:40
Speaker 1: So we just think there's so many valuable lessons in
17:43
Speaker 1: being vulnerable and sharing the not so pretty parts about
17:47
Speaker 1: ourselves that we may have carried shame for. And even
17:50
Speaker 1: on the way up here when we were talking about
17:51
Speaker 1: this episode, I was like, oh, I just I have
17:54
Speaker 1: guilt for different ways I've shown up to Steve and
17:57
Speaker 1: how I've treated him, how I've spoken to him, and
17:59
Speaker 1: how I've dealt with conflict, and even you talking about
18:03
Speaker 1: your most recent partner, I'm like, I used to do
18:06
Speaker 1: that to Steve, pull my weapons out or put him down,
18:09
Speaker 1: or I felt like I was hurting so much from
18:11
Speaker 1: something that I wanted him to hurt as well. And
18:14
Speaker 1: it's definitely not how I've shown up this last year.
18:16
Speaker 1: And I was saying to Tiana've got a lot of
18:18
Speaker 1: gratitude for our friendship once again, because I just feel
18:20
Speaker 1: like you have helped me really learn how to communicate
18:23
Speaker 1: in a better way. And there's been certain situations this
18:26
Speaker 1: last year that have really rattled me. I've really looked
18:29
Speaker 1: at myself and gone, how do I want to show
18:31
Speaker 1: up in this How do I want to treat people,
18:33
Speaker 1: especially my husband, the one person who I love more
18:35
Speaker 1: than anything in this whole entire world. And sometimes the
18:38
Speaker 1: people closest to us, it's easy for them to be
18:40
Speaker 1: our punching bags, but it's not right, and we always
18:43
Speaker 1: have a choice how we treat someone. But yeah, I
18:46
Speaker 1: thought we'd talk about the ways we have shown up
18:48
Speaker 1: that we're not so proud of. And for me, yeah,
18:51
Speaker 1: I would pull weapons out. If I felt hurt or
18:53
Speaker 1: not heard, I would pull a weapon out, not a
18:55
Speaker 1: physical weapon, feel metaph Yeah, I would say something that
19:01
Speaker 1: I know would hurt him because I was hurting so
19:04
Speaker 1: much I wanted to bring him down to my level.
19:06
Speaker 1: And this was not a conscious thing.
19:07
Speaker 2: Yeah.
19:07
Speaker 1: Now I look back, I'm like, oh, that was not
19:10
Speaker 1: productive at all. And the way I've kind of moved
19:13
Speaker 1: through that is learning more about communication, practicing it and
19:17
Speaker 1: not with him. It was with someone else that I've
19:18
Speaker 1: really had to practice my responses, my tone, my language,
19:23
Speaker 1: And it comes down to a lot of how regulated
19:26
Speaker 1: your nervous system is. If you are constantly like disregulated,
19:30
Speaker 1: you will be on hairline trigger to react and respond
19:33
Speaker 1: in a way that you're not proud of. The more
19:35
Speaker 1: I've focused on that, the more I can actually take
19:38
Speaker 1: a breath and be able to respond in a way
19:40
Speaker 1: that I'm proud of. So yeah, that was my biggest thing,
19:43
Speaker 1: is dropping the weapons and reminding myself too, like we
19:46
Speaker 1: are on the same team, we both want the same things.
19:50
Speaker 1: I don't win by being right, I don't win by
19:54
Speaker 1: putting you down. I don't win by highlighting your shit
19:58
Speaker 1: or the things that you've done it doesn't get you anywhere.
20:01
Speaker 1: It actually disconnects you more and gets you further away
20:03
Speaker 1: from what you want. What we want here is to
20:05
Speaker 1: be in love. What we want here is to be connected, valued, validated,
20:09
Speaker 1: and heard. So it's being able to sit with the
20:11
Speaker 1: discomfort of them being able to tell us what they're
20:14
Speaker 1: feeling or what we've done. I'm being able to work
20:16
Speaker 1: through that together. And a lot of the time, you
20:18
Speaker 1: know what, both experiences can be different, but both really true.
20:22
Speaker 1: How I felt and how you felt in that might
20:25
Speaker 1: be completely different, but it's both our experiences and being
20:27
Speaker 1: able to hold that and learn from that and say, Okay,
20:30
Speaker 1: well next time, what did I say that really upset you? Okay, cool,
20:33
Speaker 1: I can do that again because I love you. Yeah,
20:36
Speaker 1: And my goal here is to be in love and
20:37
Speaker 1: be connected. So it's been really cool to practice that.
20:40
Speaker 1: It's crazy, after seventeen years how much this relationship still
20:45
Speaker 1: challenges me, but to be better. It's so cool and
20:50
Speaker 1: not to compare, but I'm excited for you to find
20:53
Speaker 1: someone that you can do that dance with because the
20:56
Speaker 1: one thing I've learned from you too. If you wanting
20:57
Speaker 1: someone that can be angry and still respectful. That is, Steve,
21:00
Speaker 1: and it's really nice. I don't think I would cope. Well,
21:03
Speaker 1: I wasn't respectful. So having two people that are not
21:06
Speaker 1: respectful to the arguments, thank you, Steep. But it is
21:09
Speaker 1: really important to be able to hold each other's pain
21:12
Speaker 1: and hear each other but still be kind in those
21:15
Speaker 1: moments of triggers.
21:16
Speaker 2: So important.
21:16
Speaker 1: It's so important because if you don't over the years,
21:19
Speaker 1: you're cutting that wound and you're going to make it
21:20
Speaker 1: bleed even more to one day it's unrepairable.
21:23
Speaker 2: Death by a thousand cut.
21:24
Speaker 1: That's what I was thinking of. And yeah, I look
21:27
Speaker 1: back and reflect in the last seventeen years, I'm like
21:29
Speaker 1: far out. I definitely contributed to a lot of pain
21:32
Speaker 1: and disconnection, and I can just take so much responsibility
21:36
Speaker 1: in the disconnection in different chapters of our relationship. But
21:40
Speaker 1: I feel like this last year it's just changed and
21:43
Speaker 1: grown so much. We're in such a good place because
21:45
Speaker 1: of all that work. Hate when people say, oh, you're
21:47
Speaker 1: so lucky that you've got a good relationship or a
21:49
Speaker 1: good husband, It's like, it's not luck. There's been so
21:51
Speaker 1: much work and so much consciousness and taking responsibility to
21:56
Speaker 1: get to a place where you can navigate things like
21:58
Speaker 1: that so beautifully.
21:59
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's not luck like you have consciously every single
22:02
Speaker 3: time that you guys would have had a fight or
22:04
Speaker 3: an argument, or when you were both triggered or when
22:07
Speaker 3: something had you know, hit the fan or whatever, consciously
22:10
Speaker 3: choosing in that moment to choose to repair in whatever
22:12
Speaker 3: way that you do.
22:13
Speaker 2: That's good.
22:14
Speaker 3: You know.
22:14
Speaker 1: It takes a long time to rewhy your brain too,
22:16
Speaker 1: because I can still feel sometimes if we have a moment,
22:19
Speaker 1: like my initial reaction is to do what I used
22:21
Speaker 1: to do because I've always done that. That's my pattern,
22:23
Speaker 1: that feels natural. So I have to actually stop and
22:26
Speaker 1: like have that internal dialogue with myself like, hey, you
22:29
Speaker 1: could say this, or you could say this, you could
22:33
Speaker 1: take space, you could take a breath, like go over
22:35
Speaker 1: all the options. Yeah, I take the moment to choose
22:38
Speaker 1: what's going to be best. And if I don't know
22:39
Speaker 1: in that moment, I'll say I just need time. Go
22:42
Speaker 1: have you up to you get some advice, or just
22:44
Speaker 1: take some time and nature and actually just regulate and
22:46
Speaker 1: calm my body. And then I've got clarity to be like, Okay,
22:49
Speaker 1: what do I want here? Yeah? How am I going
22:50
Speaker 1: to choose it.
22:51
Speaker 3: Is there any like previous daggers from like years and
22:54
Speaker 3: years ago, when you maybe like unconscious ashy that were
22:57
Speaker 3: like your go to without actually knowing it was your
22:59
Speaker 3: go to.
23:00
Speaker 1: There wasn't much repairing when I was really younger. Yeah,
23:02
Speaker 1: we would just sweep and you can imagine over the years.
23:05
Speaker 2: That would build up. It's easy to do that.
23:08
Speaker 1: I think it would be my tone and my words.
23:10
Speaker 1: I would say words that I know would upset him.
23:13
Speaker 1: It's been a long time, I think since I've pulled
23:14
Speaker 1: out a weapon. Because we've been together seventeen years. I'm
23:17
Speaker 1: talking when I was like twenty. I'm sure there was
23:19
Speaker 1: a few comments. I can't remember exactly what I would
23:21
Speaker 1: have said, but I'm sure there's a few comments about
23:23
Speaker 1: past relationships that I would like bring in, Yeah, to
23:28
Speaker 1: gain control of the conversation, or to prove that I
23:31
Speaker 1: was right, like to win the argument, to win an argument. Yeah,
23:35
Speaker 1: I can't remember specifically, but so it would have been
23:37
Speaker 1: something along the lines of, oh, we did your ex
23:40
Speaker 1: you used to get upset about this too. Is this
23:41
Speaker 1: a pattern? Yeah, noah, no, wonder this happened. If you
23:45
Speaker 1: did this, then I'm put this pointing the thinker, like,
23:47
Speaker 1: this is your fault.
23:49
Speaker 3: Pass forward to like the other day, you know when
23:51
Speaker 3: you saw Steve's X in the gym.
23:53
Speaker 1: Oh, yes, so I used to be super super jealous,
23:57
Speaker 1: like super jealous and maybe still a bit now. I
24:00
Speaker 1: fully laugh about it now. So back in the day, yeah,
24:03
Speaker 1: I'd be so jealous that I would give full cold shoulder.
24:06
Speaker 1: I would ask a million questions, I would sulk, I
24:08
Speaker 1: would just use not nice words. And you taught me
24:12
Speaker 1: that thing. What is it? Retroactive jealousy.
24:14
Speaker 3: Retroactive jealousy. You're jealous of the person's past. You're jealous
24:19
Speaker 3: of the person's past ex partners.
24:21
Speaker 1: That was me. Could not handle them, could not handle
24:24
Speaker 1: any of it. And yeah, the other day, on one
24:27
Speaker 1: of my trainer's stories, we do this booty class and
24:30
Speaker 1: I watch her stories every now and again because she
24:32
Speaker 1: posts a lot of her client's training. And she posted
24:34
Speaker 1: this girl and I was like, she's really familiar. I
24:36
Speaker 1: was like, have you seen that sound of the funny movie?
24:42
Speaker 1: I had that initial jealousy, and then I was giggling
24:48
Speaker 1: about it, and I went to Steve. I was like,
24:49
Speaker 1: guess who's training at my gym. He's like, and I
24:53
Speaker 1: was like, bitch, they what are there? Why is she
24:55
Speaker 1: at my gym? You know that was seventeen years ago,
24:58
Speaker 1: Bay probably actually eighteen. I was like, I know, I
25:00
Speaker 1: shouldn't like her. I'm still my man? Are you still
25:03
Speaker 1: my man?
25:04
Speaker 2: No one touched, no one looks.
25:05
Speaker 1: We talk about it often. Yeah, those intrusive thoughts or visuals.
25:08
Speaker 1: It just makes me feel sick to my stomach, the
25:10
Speaker 1: thought of him fucking someone else, Like, no, that is
25:14
Speaker 1: my man? How dare you? It just makes you feel
25:17
Speaker 1: so good?
25:17
Speaker 3: Do you have a life before me?
25:19
Speaker 1: Literally? I just can't. Yeah. And now I laugh about it. Yes,
25:22
Speaker 1: I have a little moment, but it's laughable and we
25:24
Speaker 1: joke about it and it's playful, and it almost like
25:26
Speaker 1: brings us closer because I'm like, my man, come here,
25:29
Speaker 1: Whereas back in the day, I would almost take it
25:31
Speaker 1: out on him, sulk, pull out the weapons and just
25:34
Speaker 1: make him feel shit for it.
25:36
Speaker 2: Why.
25:36
Speaker 1: I don't know why you.
25:37
Speaker 2: Talk about this often?
25:38
Speaker 3: You always say with Stephen, I've heard you both say
25:40
Speaker 3: it where you talk about like healthy jealousy.
25:42
Speaker 2: Yes, like we have that, Okay, bring it in.
25:44
Speaker 3: Yeah, that's it's like knowing that your partner is still,
25:48
Speaker 3: of course still desirable, even after being together.
25:50
Speaker 2: For seventeen years.
25:51
Speaker 3: It's like that a fun, a playfulness.
25:53
Speaker 1: I really don't ever get a yucky jealousy now. Yeah,
25:56
Speaker 1: it's fun, playful and it turns me on.
25:58
Speaker 2: It's so cool.
26:00
Speaker 1: Yeah, when you had those sex dreams about that, Brunette
26:02
Speaker 1: Yes said on a previous episode, it made me so towy.
26:06
Speaker 1: It was like my man did made me really jealous,
26:09
Speaker 1: but in like a fun, playful way. I was like,
26:11
Speaker 1: come here, yes, you're my man. Yeah, it's really cool,
26:14
Speaker 1: like even in your dreams, your mind. Yeah, literally, hear me, Steve,
26:20
Speaker 1: It is really cool though. I love the growth.
26:22
Speaker 2: I think that's really cool.
26:24
Speaker 1: It's easier now to communicate with Steve and bring hard
26:26
Speaker 1: conversations in because we're both regulated and it just feels
26:30
Speaker 1: more natural and nice.
26:31
Speaker 2: Yeah.
26:32
Speaker 3: Yeah.
26:32
Speaker 2: The implementing of it, though, isn't it.
26:34
Speaker 3: It's like you can talk about it, you can read
26:35
Speaker 3: all the books, you can do all the personal development stuff,
26:37
Speaker 3: but unless you're actually actioning it in the moments where
26:40
Speaker 3: it feels really hard, then you're not going to be able.
26:42
Speaker 2: To progress in that area.
26:44
Speaker 3: Definitely, a lot of the times we think, oh, I'm
26:46
Speaker 3: on a good day, I feel really really good, and
26:48
Speaker 3: then i'm, you know, the person I want to be.
26:50
Speaker 3: But what about like on the bad days, what about
26:52
Speaker 3: when you haven't been fed, or you're really tired, or
26:54
Speaker 3: the kids are stretching you and you are really pushing you.
26:57
Speaker 3: But like, it's about who you choose to be in
26:58
Speaker 3: that moment, and you've just constantly been able to.
27:01
Speaker 2: Do that, which is beautiful.
27:02
Speaker 1: And the repairing is super important too. So back in
27:05
Speaker 1: the day, I wouldn't repair. I would avoid, I would
27:08
Speaker 1: punish for weeks. I would sult for weeks. I would
27:10
Speaker 1: pull away love, I would pull away sex. I would
27:12
Speaker 1: do all the things that was just so fucking damaging
27:13
Speaker 1: to a relationship. Now it's repairing with vulnerability, yeah, and
27:17
Speaker 1: just fully owning it. Or it's repairing playfully, which I love.
27:20
Speaker 1: Something you taught me it was with a past part
27:22
Speaker 1: of your the jealousy one. It was like when you
27:25
Speaker 1: felt jealousy, instead of going to him and being like, oh,
27:27
Speaker 1: you know, why have you done this on social media,
27:29
Speaker 1: it was like, I'm feeling jealous.
27:32
Speaker 3: I went, yes, I went to him, and I was like,
27:34
Speaker 3: I'm feeling a little jealous.
27:35
Speaker 1: But when you told me the story. It was with
27:37
Speaker 1: these beautiful puppy dog eyes, your hands were around your chin.
27:39
Speaker 1: It was like, I'm feeling jealous and I was like,
27:41
Speaker 1: how can any man be angry at you? Yeah, when
27:44
Speaker 1: you bring that playfulness to it, they just want to
27:46
Speaker 1: grab you up in your arms. And I tested it.
27:49
Speaker 1: I tested it one day. Wasn't about jealousy. It was
27:51
Speaker 1: about attention. Yes, I was like needing more love, like
27:55
Speaker 1: this insecure kitten, like he was just like grab me
27:59
Speaker 1: and loved on me. And then I was like, you know,
28:00
Speaker 1: but in all seriousness, I do feel you know, work's
28:03
Speaker 1: been quite consuming lately and I'm just needing it more love,
28:06
Speaker 1: just a little bit more touched, maybe a couple more words.
28:08
Speaker 1: And it was like I can do that. But I
28:10
Speaker 1: used to go in with criticism, Oh you're working so much?
28:13
Speaker 1: Am I even here? Hello my invisible see yeah, oh
28:17
Speaker 1: your phone's more important to me.
28:18
Speaker 2: You're going to book a date night soon?
28:19
Speaker 1: Or it was just little stabs, little backhanded, passive, aggressive
28:23
Speaker 1: comments doesn't achieve anything. Yeah, So bringing vulnerability in softness
28:28
Speaker 1: and playfulness game changer? Yeah, well absolutely, change of relationship.
28:31
Speaker 1: It really does, it really does.
28:32
Speaker 3: It changes the dynamic, and you also just get a
28:35
Speaker 3: much better response out of there. Say if the roles
28:38
Speaker 3: were reversed, if your partner came to you and said, hey, babe, like,
28:42
Speaker 3: this is really hard for me to talk about, but
28:44
Speaker 3: you know, can you just hold me in this for
28:46
Speaker 3: a second. This is really vulnerable and uncomfortable. But you know,
28:48
Speaker 3: I'm feeling a little bit jealous. Or when X y
28:51
Speaker 3: Z happened, it like I noticed this thing in me,
28:53
Speaker 3: you'd be like, I want to love on you.
28:55
Speaker 1: So hard, right, I'm not doing that again on a no.
28:57
Speaker 3: But when someone comes at you with daggers and they're
28:59
Speaker 3: like you're doing this and there are you think that's
29:04
Speaker 3: bad and that I'm like, oh, show you Tatiana. That
29:09
Speaker 3: was my warmup baby, right yeah, I was just getting started.
29:12
Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, it's so different, isn't it? Okay? Enough exposing
29:15
Speaker 1: of me?
29:16
Speaker 3: I feel like I'm darn put the camera on hat.
29:18
Speaker 1: Oh can you tell me? What do you do?
29:21
Speaker 3: Absolutely so a common theme for me. So it is
29:23
Speaker 3: it's a pattern. It's a pattern to me, at least
29:26
Speaker 3: in my relationship that just passed. And also I noticed
29:28
Speaker 3: this in the relationship before that. I got really jealous,
29:31
Speaker 3: like I really noticed within intimate relationships, I can get
29:34
Speaker 3: quite insecure because you know, I had a partner cheat
29:37
Speaker 3: on me when I was like fifteen, and I think
29:39
Speaker 3: maybe it just like as left a mark where I
29:41
Speaker 3: had this underlying fear of like betrayal.
29:43
Speaker 1: An abandonment, an abandonment.
29:45
Speaker 3: Yeah, and so this like feeling comes up for me
29:48
Speaker 3: when like things get really good and it gets really
29:50
Speaker 3: safe and you know, things are working where I start
29:53
Speaker 3: to question and my mind starts to wander and I
29:57
Speaker 3: start to go. It's when the anxious meat is present.
30:00
Speaker 3: When I'm grounded, Tiana, I'm like, cool, calm, collected, I
30:02
Speaker 3: feel really good. I'm like, oh you do you? I
30:04
Speaker 3: do me would do I thing together. But when I'm insecure, Tiana,
30:08
Speaker 3: I'm wondering what they're doing getting.
30:10
Speaker 1: Into the text messages. What do you think about that?
30:12
Speaker 3: Yes, Specifically for me, what comes up is like around
30:15
Speaker 3: other women, like when they have other women in their
30:17
Speaker 3: life who are really important to them. And granted, there
30:20
Speaker 3: were a couple of occasions where I had reason to
30:22
Speaker 3: feel that way, like there was a valid reason for
30:24
Speaker 3: me to be like, oh, I don't like this situation.
30:27
Speaker 3: But in those moments, I start to get a bit insecure,
30:29
Speaker 3: and I notice I pick fights. So if I'm feeling insecure,
30:33
Speaker 3: I notice I will test. I didn't do that as
30:36
Speaker 3: much in this relationship, but my previous one I did
30:38
Speaker 3: that where I would test, and I would test to
30:41
Speaker 3: see how much they love me by like pushing and
30:45
Speaker 3: being almost like emotionally erratic and like, you know, doing
30:49
Speaker 3: all these crazy, like kind of emotionally erratic things to
30:53
Speaker 3: test to see how much they love me and make
30:55
Speaker 3: sure that they'll stay, you know, because for me, I
30:58
Speaker 3: get jealous and it's almost like, you know, maybe this
31:02
Speaker 3: other woman's a threat if they're spending time with them,
31:04
Speaker 3: or anything that feels outside of the my relationship boundaries
31:08
Speaker 3: that maybe dips outside of that, I'm like, oh no,
31:10
Speaker 3: that's not okay, and then immediately my fear of rejection
31:12
Speaker 3: comes up.
31:13
Speaker 1: So how would you test? What would you do? How
31:15
Speaker 1: would I test?
31:15
Speaker 3: An example of doing this in my last relationship, I
31:18
Speaker 3: noticed my ex had like a female cleaner, and she
31:21
Speaker 3: was like beautiful, right, she's beautiful, but she.
31:24
Speaker 2: Would always be around and like flirty.
31:26
Speaker 3: Yeah, she was a bit flirty with him, and like
31:28
Speaker 3: I remember one time he called her a good girl
31:29
Speaker 3: and I was like the fuck, like, how dare you?
31:32
Speaker 2: Like I'm the only good girl here?
31:33
Speaker 1: Called in the bedroom right, And.
31:36
Speaker 2: So I remember it like triggering me.
31:37
Speaker 3: And he had this conversation with her on the phone
31:39
Speaker 3: while I was there, and something about the conversation triggered me,
31:43
Speaker 3: And I remember in that moment like wanting to suppress it.
31:46
Speaker 3: I find myself wanting to shut down when I noticed
31:49
Speaker 3: jealousy and insecurity come up.
31:51
Speaker 2: I noticed the anxious part of me.
31:52
Speaker 3: Come out so shameful around that of feeling jealous and insecure. Yeah,
31:56
Speaker 3: one hundred percent. It feels like, oh, I don't want
31:58
Speaker 3: this person to see this at me. And then so
32:00
Speaker 3: I'll suppress it a little bit. But then what will
32:02
Speaker 3: happen is It'll come out more, you know, and then
32:05
Speaker 3: I'll start.
32:06
Speaker 2: To ask questions, Yes, sogate, why did you say this?
32:09
Speaker 2: Why didn't you want to have that conversation?
32:11
Speaker 1: Instead of being direct saying hey, I fucking felt a
32:13
Speaker 1: bit jealous there.
32:14
Speaker 3: Yeah, I do these little like picks and ask a
32:17
Speaker 3: little question.
32:17
Speaker 1: In an aggressive tone.
32:19
Speaker 3: No, just like a little subtle random question where that
32:22
Speaker 3: person might be like, why should just ask me that question?
32:25
Speaker 1: You know, you can feel there's underlying anxiousness there, there's
32:27
Speaker 1: underlying anxiousness, but there's no context. I don't give any context.
32:31
Speaker 2: I'm like, why did this happen? Or why did you
32:33
Speaker 2: say that?
32:33
Speaker 1: Or why did you say that?
32:34
Speaker 3: And then I will leave it, and then five minutes
32:36
Speaker 3: later I'll ask another question. So I pick right, and
32:38
Speaker 3: I'm like, it's almost like causes a fight because what
32:41
Speaker 3: that energy gives in my assumption is that I'm assuming
32:45
Speaker 3: that that person is doing wrong.
32:46
Speaker 2: By yes, I'm assuming that.
32:48
Speaker 3: That person is maybe has wrong intentions, is cheating, is
32:51
Speaker 3: doing something deceitful, is doing something that is sly, is
32:55
Speaker 3: doing something that would break the integrity of our relationship.
32:59
Speaker 3: And so I've noticed that trigger is a really bad
33:02
Speaker 3: response in partners where they're like, you're questioning my integrity
33:05
Speaker 3: And Lee said that, he was like, you're questioning my integrity, Tiana,
33:09
Speaker 3: don't fucking do that. And I'm like, don't fucking speak
33:11
Speaker 3: to you, you know. So, yeah, that's definitely come up
33:16
Speaker 3: for me in the past. And that was still even
33:18
Speaker 3: when I was like avoidan Tiana. When I was anxious Tiana,
33:21
Speaker 3: I would go to like full blown panic attacks. I
33:23
Speaker 3: would come into you and I would cry about it
33:25
Speaker 3: and be like, I'm feeling so anxious because my fear
33:28
Speaker 3: of rejection right now is being so triggered that I
33:31
Speaker 3: can't hold it in this moment and it feels overwhelming
33:34
Speaker 3: that I'm like, it's like, oh my god, the fear
33:37
Speaker 3: of abandonment was so strong that I thought that if
33:41
Speaker 3: I were to be abandoned, I wouldn't be able to
33:43
Speaker 3: handle it. Like you know, when you think that you
33:45
Speaker 3: want to hold someone so tight because they mean so
33:48
Speaker 3: much to you that you think that your world would
33:50
Speaker 3: crumble without them. But then what I learned with time
33:53
Speaker 3: and even now I feel like such a contrast from
33:55
Speaker 3: that relationship to now is that I can handle my
33:59
Speaker 3: anxious attachment and my fear of being abandoned so much
34:03
Speaker 3: more than what I could in the past. Is now
34:05
Speaker 3: the mindset that I have around it is even if
34:08
Speaker 3: somebody leaves, like so what, I know, you know, even
34:12
Speaker 3: if they do, I was okay before them, and I'll
34:14
Speaker 3: be okay after them as well. And it allows you
34:17
Speaker 3: to kind of like soften the fear around oh my god,
34:20
Speaker 3: I need to hold onto them so tight otherwise they're
34:23
Speaker 3: going to run away. You actually allow that person to
34:26
Speaker 3: choose to be with you, yes, instead of going. I
34:29
Speaker 3: need you to stay, and if you don't stay, I'm
34:31
Speaker 3: going to be lost without you. Yeah. It's almost like
34:33
Speaker 3: a force energy. And I've definitely shown up as somebody
34:36
Speaker 3: who has forced people to stay out of fear of
34:39
Speaker 3: them leaving.
34:40
Speaker 1: Yeah. I think that about cheating too, and I haven't
34:43
Speaker 1: been cheated on, so I don't have a wound of cheating. Yeah,
34:46
Speaker 1: but in my head, if Steve was to cheat, he's cheated. Yeah,
34:49
Speaker 1: that's a choice he's made. Yeah, Okay, I would fully
34:53
Speaker 1: unpack it all what happened, Where did I play my role?
34:55
Speaker 1: I'd want to know who was with and all the
34:57
Speaker 1: questions whatever. But it's like, okay, that's fucking done. Yeah
35:01
Speaker 1: that you know what I mean. I don't fear it
35:03
Speaker 1: because I'm not going to put myself through that situation
35:06
Speaker 1: one hundred times not even happened, but yeah, it was
35:08
Speaker 1: to happen. Something is done, right, I don't know.
35:11
Speaker 3: And it's important to have that mindset around it as well,
35:14
Speaker 3: because the anticipation of something is almost worse than the
35:16
Speaker 3: actual of it happening. You're creating pain for yourself, especially
35:20
Speaker 3: when you're anxious now when something hasn't even happened. So
35:23
Speaker 3: you're anticipating something that you haven't experienced yet. But then
35:26
Speaker 3: you almost become a self fulfilling prophecy that you create
35:30
Speaker 3: that dynamic and outcome because you're assuming, thinking, feeling as
35:35
Speaker 3: if that experience has already happened. And so in the
35:37
Speaker 3: moments in relationships where I have become that very insecure
35:41
Speaker 3: like kind of assuming the worst of my partner, I
35:44
Speaker 3: often tend to get not so good outcome, like why
35:47
Speaker 3: did that happen? Well, I didn't assume the best of
35:48
Speaker 3: that partner. How can I get the best out of them?
35:51
Speaker 3: If I'm assuming that they're not a good person, they
35:53
Speaker 3: have bad intentions, they're doing something sneaky and deceitful behind
35:56
Speaker 3: my back, Like, of course they're not going to respond
35:58
Speaker 3: well to that. I wouldn't respond well to that if
36:01
Speaker 3: someone did that to me, I'd be like, I get it,
36:02
Speaker 3: and I get your wound, But that's not who I am.
36:05
Speaker 3: You've got to give me the ability to show you
36:07
Speaker 3: that I am trustworthy, that I have so much evidence
36:10
Speaker 3: of me treating you in a way where you don't
36:12
Speaker 3: have to worry about who I am. So it's also
36:14
Speaker 3: just remembering if the shoes on the other foot, Like
36:17
Speaker 3: would you be okay if someone were doing that to
36:19
Speaker 3: you as well?
36:19
Speaker 1: I love that putting yourself in their shoes. Hey, And
36:22
Speaker 1: how would I respond if they were coming at me
36:23
Speaker 1: like this. It's just a cool tool to have in
36:25
Speaker 1: your toolbox before you go and attack them and accuse
36:27
Speaker 1: them and assume things. You're like, fuck, how would I
36:30
Speaker 1: feel if he came to me and question that, asked
36:32
Speaker 1: to go through my phone, assumed that I was doing
36:34
Speaker 1: this when I was actually doing that. I feel fucking shit.
36:37
Speaker 1: I feel like, like, how dare you? That's offense if
36:39
Speaker 1: you think I would do that to you.
36:40
Speaker 3: Like I'm literally just eating ice cream at home with
36:42
Speaker 3: my best friend, Like, yeah, you have nothing to worry about.
36:45
Speaker 3: Like it's cool to see the contrast of that version
36:48
Speaker 3: of me to like more aware version of Tier because
36:52
Speaker 3: she can communicate really well, you know, like I'm very calm, cool, collected.
36:56
Speaker 3: I can see both sides. I make sure that I
36:58
Speaker 3: communicate from a place that's going to diffuse conflict and
37:01
Speaker 3: take responsibility, and so even in moments like that where
37:05
Speaker 3: I want to pick and fight, I'll do a quick
37:07
Speaker 3: recovery and come back and be Okay, this is what's
37:09
Speaker 3: actually coming up for me if I'm being fully honest
37:11
Speaker 3: and transparent, lead with vulnerability and courage and go Okay,
37:15
Speaker 3: that's not going to get me the outcome that I want.
37:17
Speaker 3: How can we work as a team to communicate and
37:19
Speaker 3: just like get everything off each other's chest so that
37:21
Speaker 3: we can find the same direction again.
37:24
Speaker 1: Yeah, another language shift too, which we've spoken about heaps too.
37:27
Speaker 1: Instead of going to your partner or anyone and being like,
37:29
Speaker 1: you know, you did this and it made me feel
37:31
Speaker 1: like this, changing it to be I'm only assuming and
37:34
Speaker 1: I could be totally wrong. Yes, but what I'm feeling
37:37
Speaker 1: is when you did this, your intention was this. But
37:40
Speaker 1: can you help me understand yes, instead of just assuming
37:42
Speaker 1: that that's what they've done and get curious on it
37:44
Speaker 1: and go in with curiosity. Oh that's a we other side,
37:47
Speaker 1: I feel that we could talk about relationships often. Yeah,
37:50
Speaker 1: it's such a high value of ours relationships, connection, love, passion, pleasure,
37:55
Speaker 1: all the beautiful things. That's something we talk about all
37:57
Speaker 1: the time. So I think we'll keep bringing in and anything,
37:59
Speaker 1: even if it is exposing ourselves a being were vulnerable.
38:02
Speaker 1: We hope that there's one thing in this episode that
38:05
Speaker 1: landed for you or made you awaken something within you,
38:08
Speaker 1: made you look in the mirror and be like, oh,
38:09
Speaker 1: I can see how I do that too. Always room
38:12
Speaker 1: for growth and improvement, and even it's one percent better
38:14
Speaker 1: every single day, over a year span, you'll be a
38:16
Speaker 1: whole different person and your relationship could be completely transformed
38:20
Speaker 1: for the better.
38:20
Speaker 3: That's so true, and I think just with the relationships,
38:23
Speaker 3: it's really important to be able to have these conversations
38:25
Speaker 3: because there's so much gross and learning in relationships. It's
38:28
Speaker 3: they are such our biggest teachers, and if you can
38:30
Speaker 3: use the lessons that you learn from all of the
38:32
Speaker 3: discomfort that comes up, you'll be such a better version
38:35
Speaker 3: of yourself for it.
38:36
Speaker 2: And that's why we wanted to.
38:38
Speaker 3: Normalize this conversation of just knowing there's nothing to be
38:41
Speaker 3: shameful about around any behavior that you've done in the
38:43
Speaker 3: past that has come up, but utilize it as a
38:46
Speaker 3: way to go, hey, this is data on how I
38:48
Speaker 3: show up in the moments I'm triggered, so that you
38:50
Speaker 3: can go next time, Okay, who do I want to
38:52
Speaker 3: be in the moment, Because it's in those moments where
38:55
Speaker 3: you're going to become the woman that you say that
38:56
Speaker 3: you want to be, but not actually just say it,
38:58
Speaker 3: you'll actually embody her.
39:00
Speaker 2: And that's ultimately where where we want to help you.
39:02
Speaker 1: Get one hundred percent. Now, Also, one more thing before
39:04
Speaker 1: you the podcast, So if you guys haven't seen on
39:07
Speaker 1: our social media, we are now going to be uploading
39:10
Speaker 1: four times a week Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday. And
39:14
Speaker 1: a new segment is like a bestie's advice section. We
39:18
Speaker 1: found with Freaki Friday, we were getting quite a few
39:20
Speaker 1: submissions that were more women asking for help. What would
39:22
Speaker 1: you girls do? Can you help me with this? What's
39:24
Speaker 1: your perspective? I need best the advice and that kind
39:27
Speaker 1: of led to this new segment being born. So if
39:31
Speaker 1: you are going through something in your relationship and you're
39:34
Speaker 1: in a situationship, or you're struggling with something and you
39:36
Speaker 1: want our best advice, this is what this segment's for.
39:39
Speaker 1: You can go to the link and our Instagram Buiyo
39:41
Speaker 1: will also link it in the description box below and
39:43
Speaker 1: you could submit an anonymous question that you want help
39:46
Speaker 1: for give us much context as you can please the
39:49
Speaker 1: better and we're not relationship experts, where two best is
39:51
Speaker 1: sitting on a couch and how we give advice to
39:54
Speaker 1: each other is what we'll be doing in that segment
39:56
Speaker 1: every Tuesday.
39:57
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's going to be really raw, off the cast
39:59
Speaker 3: kind of advice, but again, that's exactly what we would
40:01
Speaker 3: do for each other. And especially if you don't have
40:03
Speaker 3: anybody to lean on at the moment, you feel like
40:05
Speaker 3: the people around you are too close to the situation,
40:08
Speaker 3: or maybe you don't even want them to know about
40:10
Speaker 3: the situation that you're dealing with.
40:12
Speaker 2: It can be really challenging to go through those things alone.
40:14
Speaker 3: So we just want to bring in a place where
40:16
Speaker 3: you can come, you feel safe bring it in. And
40:18
Speaker 3: also it's anonymous, so we can't even see who brings
40:21
Speaker 3: it in, so you'll be completely.
40:22
Speaker 2: Protected in that way.
40:23
Speaker 3: But we want you to have a place to come,
40:25
Speaker 3: bring it in and feel safe enough to talk about
40:27
Speaker 3: So beautiful.
40:27
Speaker 1: I feel like even sometimes you have friendships that you love,
40:30
Speaker 1: but they don't give the best advice. Yeah, I know,
40:31
Speaker 1: I've got different friends for different reasons. Some I'm like,
40:34
Speaker 1: if I want my ego stroke or go to her
40:36
Speaker 1: to be challenged, I'll go to her, you know, and
40:38
Speaker 1: all beautiful, but knowing that you can just come here,
40:40
Speaker 1: you're safe, there's no judgment. We're just giving out honest
40:43
Speaker 1: advice that we would literally give to each other. It's cool.
40:45
Speaker 1: We get to learn along the way, we get to
40:47
Speaker 1: share our perspectives and maybe help you see things from
40:49
Speaker 1: a different light. Yeah, that also starts next week. So
40:52
Speaker 1: today's Monday, it'll.
40:52
Speaker 2: Be next Tuesday, yay.
40:55
Speaker 1: Otherwise, we'll see you Wednesday. Bye guys. Babe,