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Guilt, Shame, and the Truth About Who You Are · Infinitely Precious

• 0:00
  Intro: Welcome to the Infinitely Precious Podcast produced by Infinitely Precious LLC. Your host is James Henry. Remember, you are infinitely precious and unconditionally loved for the gift you already are.
• 0:12
  James: Hello, beloved. It's me, James, and another opportunity for us to share this path together. I hope you're doing well as you are listening today. I wanna thank you for listening and for sharing the podcast as it seems appropriate to you. I had an inquiry from one of my regular listeners, one of our regular listeners, who asked me to talk about two different topics.
• 0:46
  And so this week I will talk about one of those topics. As some of you may know, I am part of three different podcasts. That is I, Infinitely Precious podcast, and two other podcasts. And this topic is actually a crossover topic because this person heard me on one of the other podcasts and asked me to talk about it. And it's a very important topic, so I don't mind.
• 1:22
  I certainly didn't mind, I don't mind talking about whatever you all hope I might talk about. So, the topic was guilt and shame because those are very prevalent in our world today. Guilt and shame. And a lot of people find themselves living from a place of shame. So, I thought I would just take a moment to define what I think of as guilt and shame and what I think might be helpful to say about guilt and shame.
• 1:54
  And we can do that together. So let me start by saying, first of all, I would say guilt is that feeling that arises within us when we have done something wrong. And we know it's wrong. It's a feeling that I shouldn't have done that thing. That thing I said to my friend, spouse, child, random person on the street, that thing that I did at work or at some other point, That was wrong.
• 2:30
  Guilt is the natural use of our conscience that rises up to tell us this is not a good thing to do and it's not okay. And so, guilt is a healthy thing. Feeling guilt arise in us and then letting it go, that's a healthy thing. Shame is when we internalize the guilt and think that that thing which we have done or that thing which has been done to us defines who we are. And then it becomes shame.
• 3:07
  So, it's no longer I did this thing. It is I am this thing I did. I said a cruel word in a moment of anger. I said a cruel word. That's guilt.
• 3:25
  I am cruel is shame, particularly when we internalize it and make it part of how we see ourselves. And then it begins to mar the image of ourselves that we carry with us. It begins to shape the way we interact with the world around us. It begins to interact with the way we value ourselves, or in this case devalue ourselves. We think we are defined by something we have done, something we have thought, something we have said.
• 4:01
  And that's where shame becomes and shame is unhealthy. To get to a place of shame where something other than love has named us is a hard place to find ourselves. It's hard to be gentle with a person you don't feel deserves being gentle. So it's hard for you to be gentle with yourself, to be kind to yourself, to be willing to take a compliment, to feel like you have something to contribute to the world. And the truth is one of the underpinning foundations of why I do the Infinitely Precious podcast is because I believe you and I, any one of you hearing and even people who have never heard the podcast before, every one of us has something we can bring to the table, Something we have to offer.
• 4:58
  Something that is unique to us. And anything that deters us, that makes us think we are anything less than infinitely precious, that thing is going to block us, deter us, keep us from being who we're meant to be. So, that's why shame sort of robs us of living our lives as fully as the divine intended. It's why when we discover there's something about ourselves that is shaming that we have internalized, we do our best when we name it, recognize it for what it is, and then practice releasing it. Now, some shames run so deeply.
• 5:55
  They are marks of something that was done to us that we believe defines us. Or some act we've done that we believe defines us. That requires something more than just our own release, our own letting go. We may need to see someone, a professional who will sit with us, will listen to us, will encourage us, will help us to see where the fallacy of this idea about ourselves arose and help us move beyond it. That's when we need therapy.
• 6:31
  That's when we need to sit with a counselor, someone who will hear us and see us and not shame us, that will see us in our most vulnerable and not turn away will hold us gently in those moments. Because sometimes shame reaches so deeply within us that we are no longer able to gently hold ourselves. And that's why these topics of guilt and shame are so important because there is so much shaming. We shame people for their body size and their body shape. We shame people for a variety of things.
• 7:18
  And oftentimes, we shame people for their gender or their gender identity or their sexual orientation. We shame them for their country of origin, the color of their skin. We try to shame people. We try to guilt them into internalizing negative messages about those things. We are particularly bad about doing that to women.
• 7:44
  We are particularly bad about doing that to women. And sometimes the only way past it is to talk with someone who will see you and who will not turn away, will see all the things that you think are your ugliest parts and will not turn away, will see you and listen to you. That's why guilt and shame is so important. It runs wide and deep in our society today. Often, it is religion itself that shames people for who they are.
• 8:29
  And you should never by any religion anywhere be shamed for who you are. There are things that you ought not to do and you should probably feel guilty about violence against others, violence against yourself. Those are not acceptable. Those aren't good things. You ought to feel guilty about that, and you ought to find ways to stop doing that.
• 8:51
  But there are things that we make people feel bad about that is part of their wiring, and that is not okay. So, if anyone has ever told you you are less than, they are wrong. They are liars, particularly if they're religious people. You know, the more I study Jesus, the author of my faith, the more I see a man whose least he was tolerant of everyone, welcoming of everyone, inviting of everyone, but the one he struggled with the most. And if you listen to his words, it's pretty clear.
• 9:34
  It's the religious people, the people who were sure they were right about their own ability to decide who's in and who's out. That's beyond any of our pay grades, so to speak. No one can tell you you're less than because it's a lie. It's a lie. You are a gift.
• 10:00
  You are precious. You are loved. And it saddens me to think that there are people in the world who feel ashamed about themselves, that feel so negatively about who they are. I have been one of them in my life where I internalize guilt in such a way, things that were done to me that made me feel less than, made me feel like I was defined by those things. And it was not true.
• 10:39
  It's still not true. However, even when we work through shame therapy, I had a lot of it, even when we work through shame, sometimes it rears its ugly head again, tries to peek itself out. It is a constant and ongoing recovery throughout all of your life when you have internalized something like that. Now with therapy, you get to a place where you recognize that it was a lie. But still lies can pop back up in our internal dialogue.
• 11:16
  So guilt, if you feel guilt about some of the things that you've done in your life that have been wrong and they're in the past now, do what you can to seek forgiveness, to right the wrong. But sometimes it's not even yours to right the wrong, if we're being honest. Sometimes you have done a bad enough thing that you can't be the person that helps the other person recover. And asking for forgiveness is more about you than it would be about them. Forgive yourself.
• 11:53
  Let go of it. Learn from it. That's an important piece. And recognize that you need to move forward. Release it in the past.
• 12:03
  If you find you've internalized things, then seek someone else out who can help you on this journey. That's why this conversation was important. I suspect that's why this person asked me to talk about it because it's important to talk about. It is. Because the underlying principle of this podcast, of the work I do as a person in this world, is to recognize something about you and me.
• 12:37
  And that is this: You are infinitely precious and unconditionally loved for the gift you already are. Hear those words. If you're living with shame, you might not be able to internalize those words. In which case, if you find yourself deflecting those words, that's a place where it ought to be just a little red flag for you that perhaps it's time for you to seek someone, a counselor or a therapist, who can see you and not shame you, see you and hear you, not turn away, because that's where the healing begins. That's what God wants for you is healing.
• 13:22
  Healing. So once again, you are infinitely precious and unconditionally loved for the gift you already are. Thanks for joining me today and I will look forward to being with you again next time.