Latest / Questionable Detour / Going on a date with 3 guys, living in a van with 3 guys, and popping out of bushes to meet women

Transcript

Going on a date with 3 guys, living in a van with 3 guys, and popping out of bushes to meet women · Questionable Detour

0:00
Excuse me, what is going on here?
0:04
But first we're gonna make a little detour.
0:09
So absurd, so questionable.
0:12
Yeah, I guess we're just the weirdos.
0:15
Expect the detour.
0:24
Alright, Evan, you have big news.
0:26
So I hear.
0:27
I think you're going on a date right now, right?
0:29
You're actually probably late.
0:31
You are late. You're over an hour late.
0:33
That's just fashionably late.
0:35
I like to keep them waiting, build suspense.
0:37
She's sitting there at the table just being sad.
0:39
And just by herself.
0:41
She looks like a sad person.
0:43
What kind of place did you ask her to go to?
0:45
Just a little local place I like to call O'Charlie's.
0:49
You asked her to go to an O'Charlie's?
0:51
Yeah, I'm a big rolls man.
0:53
So you're telling me you sent a girl to a sad restaurant.
0:55
Kept her waiting for an hour.
0:57
Made her even more sad.
0:59
Calling O'Charlie's sad is a bit of an overstatement.
1:01
That's where middle-aged and old people go to eat lunch after church.
1:05
That's what O'Charlie's is.
1:07
You're like, this would be a perfect spot for a date.
1:09
O'Charlie's.
1:11
First of all, I'm very excited to see what this girl's about.
1:13
If she's attracted to Evan and all he's about.
1:15
She's probably blind?
1:17
Yeah, what kind of bully is Helen Keller?
1:19
Is it Helen Keller?
1:21
She's probably Helen Keller, right?
1:23
Or cosplaying as Helen Keller?
1:25
I don't know.
1:27
I might like her more if she was doing that.
1:29
Yeah, yeah.
1:31
See no evil, hear no evil.
1:33
That whole thing. And Evan is evil.
1:35
And that's why she's like that.
1:37
You said you wanted us to go on the date with you?
1:39
Yeah, we're like a package deal.
1:41
That's sweet of you.
1:43
That is true. We all live in this Chevy Astro.
1:45
If you're going somewhere, we have to go there with you.
1:47
You don't actually have a license.
1:49
And it's my van, so I have to drive it.
1:51
Yeah, you're like...
1:53
And that's kind of how I pay you back is with food.
1:55
Right, but you're not paying for the food.
1:57
So that's what I'm getting other people to pay him back for.
1:59
Oh, okay.
2:01
So basically, whoever this girl is,
2:03
is footing the bill for three people.
2:05
But she thinks it's only one person.
2:07
If this is another situation where
2:09
we have to wash dishes in the kitchen
2:11
to pay for our meal, I'm going to be really pissed.
2:13
That's happened so many times.
2:15
Each time we go out to eat, us three,
2:17
Evan eats all his food and immediately goes,
2:19
let's just dine and dash. Let's get out of here.
2:21
And then we get caught because we're not very fast.
2:23
And then they're like, you're going to have to wash dishes.
2:25
That's happened at least three times in the last month.
2:27
Evan, which one of us do you want to walk in first?
2:29
Oh, yeah.
2:31
Kind of introduce you.
2:33
Harold, do you really?
2:35
I think Zach has a good...
2:37
Oh, okay. Yeah.
2:39
A good grasp on what makes me tick.
2:41
He's a good first impression guy.
2:43
Okay, I'll do that. I'll walk in.
2:45
I'll look for the single sad girl at the table.
2:47
And then I'll go sit with her.
2:49
There might be a couple of them there,
2:51
so it might take me a second.
2:53
It's old Charlie's. There are a few there.
2:55
She'll probably be wearing zebra print.
2:57
Okay, interesting.
2:59
Knowing her. Yeah.
3:01
And you've never met her in person before, right?
3:03
Absolutely not. But we talk about fashion a lot.
3:05
You already go this day? You already go to old Charlie's?
3:07
Let's do it.
3:09
Do you see her in this...
3:17
Oh, Charlie's. I'm looking around,
3:19
and there are a lot of just kind of sad old people.
3:21
Do we think Evan is dating a sad old person?
3:25
Because I don't see any person around his age.
3:27
I wouldn't put it past him.
3:31
Yeah, I don't think he has a lot of options.
3:33
No, no.
3:35
And he has always said many times
3:37
age is just a number.
3:39
He has said that a lot, and it's concerning,
3:41
and I try to make him stop saying it in public.
3:43
I've got to imagine that goes both ways.
3:45
Hopefully toward the older demographic here.
3:49
But he says it a lot in public.
3:51
In fact, every time he wakes up, he goes,
3:53
good morning, age is just a number.
3:55
And me and you look at each other in the astro fan,
3:57
and we're just so confused.
3:59
But I think I see her right there.
4:01
She is in zebra print.
4:03
He's right. She's wearing a zebra print full onesie.
4:07
It even has the footies on the onesie.
4:10
She wore this to an old Charlie's.
4:12
Where did Evan find this woman?
4:14
You know, I've got to say, I bet this is not even
4:16
the weirdest way that somebody's dressed in this old Charlie's.
4:19
No, no. There's a person over there,
4:21
a guy, just in a bikini top.
4:23
It looks like what you might expect
4:25
if you walked into the break room of a carnival.
4:28
I think this place is just like a melting pot of weirdos.
4:33
I think he fits right in.
4:36
Okay, hi. Are you here to meet a guy
4:40
that fell out of a bush as a homeless person?
4:43
Um, yes, but you don't look like him at all.
4:46
I am not him. I am...
4:48
I have standards, and I am homeless. Don't get me wrong.
4:52
Me and that guy do live out of a van together,
4:54
but I am not him.
4:56
I am his friend that he has decided
4:58
that he wanted to come introduce him
5:00
as if he's some sort of medieval king.
5:02
I am heralding for him. His name is Evan, by the way.
5:05
I don't know. He's really bad about telling his name
5:07
to people he just meets. His name is Evan.
5:09
I think he is wearing just a silk shirt.
5:12
You'll see him come in right now. It's a pink silk shirt.
5:14
Usually he does not button them up.
5:16
Pants are optional for him, so we'll see how that's working.
5:19
He did have pants on when I got out of our Chevy Astro van.
5:22
So we'll see it. This is Alan, by the way.
5:25
He's also living in the van with a person
5:27
you're trying to date right now.
5:29
It's a mutually beneficial roommate situation.
5:32
I also offer him legal counsel.
5:34
If you hear me throughout the evening,
5:36
refer to him as my client.
5:38
Don't think of anything weird. I do law on the side.
5:41
Does he need legal counsel for some reason?
5:44
I'm not at liberty to discuss it. I am.
5:48
Listen, what is your name, by the way?
5:50
My name's Savannah.
5:52
Savannah, listen, I am at liberty to discuss it.
5:54
He needs a lot of legal counsel.
5:56
He is in a lot of trouble all the time.
5:58
I don't know if you meet people that say age is just a number a lot,
6:02
but he says that a lot, and you can imagine,
6:05
as somebody that has that belief, he probably gets into a lot of trouble.
6:09
Alleged trouble.
6:12
Alan is his lawyer.
6:14
He has never graduated from any law program.
6:17
He has never taken the bar exam.
6:19
In fact, Alan thinks the bar exam is something you take at a dive bar,
6:23
and it's just multiple shots.
6:25
I've taken that bar exam multiple times, passed, flying colors.
6:31
By flying colors, he means falling colors,
6:34
because he is so drunk he cannot walk.
6:36
That is correct.
6:37
Even so, Evan gets into a lot of trouble.
6:39
The person you're dating, and you can talk to him about this,
6:41
I think it's something that you should totally bring up on the first date.
6:44
I think it's totally natural to bring that up on the first date.
6:46
I have a lot of questions, I think.
6:48
You're going to get answers that probably don't answer those questions.
6:51
Alan over here represents him mostly in those court cases.
6:55
He doesn't own a suit, so the judge is always very confused about what's going on.
7:00
Do you see that man over there in the waiting room of this O'Charlie's?
7:05
He's kind of peeking around the corner nervously.
7:07
Yeah.
7:08
You do see him?
7:09
That is Evan.
7:10
For some reason, he is pantomiming what a squirrel might be as a human,
7:14
and he's just kind of peeking out around the corner.
7:17
I'm going to wave him over here real quick.
7:19
Is that a bag of nuts that he has over his shoulder?
7:23
He has a bag of walnuts?
7:26
Or is that pecans?
7:27
It's pecans. He has a bag of pecans.
7:29
It's so many. It's very loud.
7:31
I can hear it throughout this O'Charlie's just shaking and the bag is just crunching together.
7:36
Did you say it was a bag of pea cans?
7:39
Oh, that is true. It's a lot of clanking.
7:42
I'm interested to see what he's bringing a bag of urine filled cans here.
7:49
It is an O'Charlie's.
7:51
He might be trying to sell it wholesale here.
7:53
I don't know what O'Charlie's might use it for.
7:55
You need to know that Evan is an entrepreneur.
7:58
They don't drug test their employees here, so...
8:00
Yeah, well, there's no way he's selling it to them.
8:04
Yeah, that is true.
8:05
But I'm interested to see why he brought it on a date.
8:07
So I'm going to wave him over here real quick.
8:09
Hey, Evan, this is the girl that you have brought to O'Charlie's.
8:14
Her name is Savannah. Savannah, this is Evan.
8:17
Savannah, this is Alan.
8:18
I've already introduced him. I don't need to introduce him again.
8:21
But I am also Zach. While we're all three together, it's a totally different dynamic when we're all together.
8:26
I say we go around the room and each say like a fun fact about ourselves.
8:28
Okay, I like that. Evan, do you want to start since you just got here?
8:32
Also, you should say a fun fact, but you should also give us the fact on why you have pecan in a bag on a date.
8:38
Shaboya, it's me, Evan. Welcome.
8:41
So fun fact number one would be that my leg hair, it's twice the thickness of a normal human man's hair.
8:48
Therefore, you can actually go fishing, which I usually do is I'll shave it and then tie it all together,
8:54
make a fishing line and then just start fishing in the middle of the street and see if I can catch them.
8:59
So basically, Savannah, you should see his value here in saying that he could take care of you if times get hard,
9:05
that if worse comes to worst, he can get you food so you don't die.
9:09
I think that shows a lot of promise. How fast does it grow?
9:13
Six times the normal.
9:14
Okay, good.
9:15
Another man.
9:16
Yeah, you can reuse it pretty often. That's nice.
9:19
It's not difficult to do. As far as the pecans go, I'm just here to dump them.
9:23
You know, as we stay in a Chevy Astro, it's three men.
9:27
We told her. We told her. She's fully aware of the living situation.
9:30
I think she's on board with it, too.
9:32
Well, I have some questions.
9:33
We'll talk about that.
9:34
But you can imagine there's a lot of pee that needs to be disposed of as three men living in it.
9:39
I forgot that we usually don't stop to use the restroom when we're driving around.
9:43
We just have empty cans, Chef Boyardee cans, because we eat solely ravioli from Chef Boyardee.
9:49
And then we're not wasteful. We enjoy the environment.
9:53
And we just kind of reuse them as our toilet.
9:57
So, again, Savannah, you can see that we all are. I would like to brag about us all.
10:02
We all care about the environment. We have empathy for the animals, empathy for humans, and Evan's like that, too.
10:08
The name of the game is multipurpose, really.
10:10
You eat out of your ravioli can, then you pee in it when you're done.
10:14
We haven't yet come up with a third use.
10:16
But I think given the time that we all have to spend together, we'll probably come up with something.
10:21
I think so, too.
10:22
I think I was onto something coming into this.
10:24
Oh, Charlie's for my date with them is you dump them, obviously, in wherever you're going on the date.
10:29
You use their bathroom. You dump it in the trash can, refill it with water, then you have water.
10:34
There you go.
10:35
That's a great point. It's a great use.
10:39
You only pour out the pee cans when you're going on a date, though.
10:43
Yes.
10:44
That's why you made it sound like to wait for a date to get rid of it.
10:47
That's why those cans have been building up so much in our Astro van is he never goes on dates.
10:53
I didn't want to bring it up.
10:54
This is the first date he's been on in months.
10:57
So we have just cans and cans of Chef Boyardee because we eat constantly, multiple meals a day of just ravioli.
11:05
It's all really dark, dark yellow, too.
11:07
We don't hydrate well.
11:09
We don't hydrate.
11:10
We only get our sustenance from ravioli.
11:14
We look at the back of the can and go, how much water content is this?
11:18
It does not say. So we just kind of assume we probably get water from it.
11:22
Savannah, do you want to tell us a couple of fun facts about you now that Evan has kind of opened up emotionally and got vulnerable with you?
11:29
Yes. So I'm Savannah. Nice to meet all three of you.
11:33
You've already introduced yourself multiple times.
11:35
Is that the fun fact?
11:36
I just wanted you guys to remember my name.
11:37
Her fun fact is her name.
11:39
That is fun.
11:40
Don't you think?
11:41
It's the basis of all facts, I guess.
11:44
But, you know, fun.
11:46
I will say I did not know I was going on a date with three men tonight.
11:50
Well, you're going on a date with one, but his two friends have come along that he lives within a van.
11:55
It's one man, two friends.
11:57
Yeah.
11:58
It's a very normal situation.
11:59
That's interesting.
12:00
I am kind of curious because you didn't bring up the van or the man situation.
12:06
So it's kind of a red flag.
12:08
I wanted to surprise you.
12:09
Is it a surprise to you?
12:11
Is it something that you were surprised about?
12:13
You saw a guy wearing these shirts and you said, yeah, he looks like he probably has his life together.
12:19
I knew when you asked me to wear a zebra onesie that that was kind of strange.
12:23
You asked her?
12:25
To bring friends and to live in a van.
12:28
I didn't realize Evan asked you to wear the zebra onesie.
12:32
I thought it was strange.
12:34
I was like, I cannot believe he's met somebody at his level at his vibe.
12:38
You know, he really made it out to sound like you were into that.
12:42
Yeah, he did.
12:43
He was like, this girl loves zebra print onesies.
12:46
And I was very confused by that.
12:48
All right.
12:49
I may have asked her to wear the onesie, but that was just so you guys would know that she's cool.
12:54
I just wanted her to look cool for my friends.
12:56
Yeah.
12:57
That look cool for your friends that you brought on your date.
13:00
Yeah.
13:01
We're a package deal.
13:02
I mean, I appreciate that.
13:04
And that's sweet.
13:05
You see, he cares about the people around him.
13:07
By package deal, he means he cannot get place to place without the Chevy Astra that he lives in.
13:12
So he's just really using us for transportation.
13:15
They're a very codependent group.
13:17
Some people call it parasitic.
13:19
I like to call it codependent.
13:21
That's right.
13:22
And we all rely off each other equally.
13:23
So it's very healthy.
13:25
In a sense, as I think back, you are really dating all of us.
13:28
Great.
13:29
I see you didn't wear the zebra head, though.
13:32
Oh, I had to draw the line somewhere.
13:35
I have been waiting for an hour, so I took it off about 30 minutes in.
13:40
So you actually did show up wearing the zebra head.
13:44
Yes.
13:45
And then it got hot in here because the classic Charlie's.
13:48
It doesn't have AC.
13:49
It's very warm.
13:50
So I took that off and I've just been sitting here in my onesie since then.
13:55
I'm sure when she came in here with the zebra head on, nobody turned a nine.
13:59
This is very normal.
14:00
There are multiple people here wearing animal costumes.
14:03
It's a judgment free zone at Charlie's.
14:06
I just I don't know if it's a judgment free zone as it is a zone where people are under the influence of multiple heavy drugs.
14:13
That guy that walked in wearing the brown fringe vest with no shirt under it.
14:18
Yeah, he walked in and they just gave him an application.
14:20
Oh, was that an application?
14:21
I thought that was his first paycheck from being hired immediately.
14:24
I thought that was a warrant.
14:25
Oh, there things can be two things.
14:28
You know, that makes sense.
14:29
I'm sure they serve warrants here.
14:31
I'm sure most people in this building probably has a warrant.
14:35
This is kind of like a safe space for lots of criminals.
14:38
It's like what Olive Garden is for middle aged people when you're here.
14:41
Your family.
14:42
Yeah, for criminals, hardened or not, really, when you come to old Charlie's when you're here, your fam.
14:49
Yeah, that's right.
14:50
That's what it says on the outside of the building under the name.
14:52
Yeah.
14:53
Savannah. So Evan popped out of a bush.
14:55
He asked you on a date.
14:57
Why did you say yes to a man wearing silk shirts popping out of a bush?
15:01
Well, honestly, I've been single for a while.
15:04
So eventually you just got to lower that bar.
15:07
Yeah, the bar is very low.
15:09
If anything, it is just riding the floor right now because it sounds like you really got rid of the bar altogether.
15:15
Yeah.
15:16
Once he mentioned old Charlie's, I was in.
15:19
Okay, yes.
15:20
It's the chicken tenders.
15:21
You got her with the Charlie's.
15:23
That's the first time in history that a woman has been won over by going.
15:26
Do you want to go to Charlie's?
15:28
I know what I'm about.
15:29
Now, Alan, it's interesting.
15:31
You brought your grandfather's earn with you today.
15:35
What is a oh, yeah.
15:36
What is what is that about?
15:38
I don't do you just kind of carry him around these days?
15:41
Well, I don't go on a lot of dates either.
15:44
You're not on the date.
15:45
That is. Yeah.
15:46
I'm here.
15:47
And you know, this is the closest thing he's been to a.
15:50
He's my lawyer.
15:51
Yeah.
15:52
I don't know if he told you about that.
15:53
He did.
15:54
He is my lawyer.
15:55
It was the first thing you mentioned to her.
15:56
Yeah, it is.
15:57
Most likely the first thing.
15:58
Yeah, I expected it, but yeah, just want to make sure.
16:01
I do want to point out he's just a friend with opinions, not necessarily a lawyer.
16:06
Yeah, there's no legal backing.
16:08
Friend with facts.
16:09
Yeah.
16:10
Really through the through the word out there.
16:12
Opinions don't like that.
16:14
Yeah, they're facts.
16:16
They have no legal backing, though.
16:17
They're just things he thinks should be.
16:19
So opinions.
16:20
Yeah.
16:21
I've heard it both ways.
16:22
Yeah.
16:23
And weirdly enough, he's losing this argument now, so I can't imagine what he's like in
16:29
the courtroom.
16:30
I have never.
16:32
I'll be vulnerable with you guys.
16:34
I've never met a real life lawyer.
16:36
I have seen two and a half episodes of Law and Order criminal intent.
16:41
Anyways.
16:42
Oh, I'm sorry.
16:43
I forgot.
16:44
I forgot.
16:45
I forgot Evans on a date right now.
16:47
We keep on going off on detours here.
16:49
But are they questionable?
16:51
Mostly questionable.
16:52
But we I'm sorry, Savannah.
16:53
I know you want to get to know Evan better, but I really need to get to the bottom of
16:57
why Alan has brought his grandfather's.
16:59
Yeah, it's important.
17:01
So my family sort of disowned me somewhere around like five years ago.
17:07
They actually gathered me all up at the family homestead and they said they set me down in
17:12
a circle and they said, you know, you're not getting anything from us.
17:16
We can't stand you.
17:18
You look different from us and just really rude things like that.
17:24
So they've asked me to leave the premises.
17:26
I've been banned.
17:27
They change locks and passwords.
17:29
But before I left as kind of an act of just a final act of vengeance, I stole my grandfather's
17:36
earn.
17:37
So so when they kicked you out of the homestead, right?
17:42
And as you were walking past what I assume was the mantle, you're like, I'm going to
17:47
take Gramps here.
17:48
No, he's he's not on the mantle.
17:51
So he wasn't very well respected.
17:53
Well, you and he just kept his earn because he's a family member.
17:56
He's actually on a radiator by the door.
17:59
Oh, I bet that smells terrible.
18:01
Just so the ashes on top of heat.
18:03
So on my way out, I just grabbed him and ran.
18:06
Yeah, I'm sure you burnt yourself.
18:08
I'm sure you dropped him a few times in the yard because of the heat.
18:11
Yeah.
18:12
Thankfully, it's a very sturdy earn.
18:14
Yeah, we got it at a Big Mike's earns and things.
18:18
Yeah, Big Mike's is great.
18:20
I've shot there multiple times and I don't have a need for I don't have a need for an
18:24
earn.
18:25
But shout out the Big Mike.
18:26
They have such great products.
18:27
Yeah, I'm just like, man, I wish I needed an arm because I just I want to buy something
18:33
for Big Mike.
18:34
So I mean, I go through earns like toilet paper.
18:38
What what do you use earns for?
18:40
I use earn for my cat litter.
18:42
I cook eggs in there.
18:44
What do you have a cat?
18:45
We don't have a cat.
18:46
We don't have a cat.
18:47
I just like to put it out there for the straight.
18:51
Why do stray cats need cat litter?
18:54
Where else are they going to use the bathroom?
18:56
Just outside.
18:57
Evan has a firm belief that cats only can use cat litter.
19:00
Yeah, it's a proper way to go.
19:03
Were they just going to use a leaf to wipe their butt?
19:05
I do.
19:06
Alan does.
19:07
Alan does.
19:08
And he's not a cat.
19:09
Is the cat litter the same as wiping your butt?
19:11
It is for me.
19:12
You use the cat litter.
19:13
Don't we all?
19:14
I personally have not used the cat litter.
19:17
I've been I've been questioning why it's been in the van the entire time.
19:20
How does it get so dirty?
19:21
I assume you use it.
19:22
Alan, do you use this?
19:23
I don't.
19:24
But this is putting a lot of dots together.
19:26
The other day when we were at the playground, what you were doing in the sandbox was really
19:31
uncomfortable.
19:32
Yeah, you had the mothers just started gathering their kids and taking off with them.
19:37
They were very concerned about Evan just kind of scratching around in the sandbox and squatting
19:42
in it.
19:43
It's not weird.
19:44
It's just how you get through life.
19:46
I'm trying to remember this playground experience.
19:48
Was this before this is before our court date?
19:51
Right.
19:52
Yes, because we were allowed to be there.
19:53
Right.
19:54
OK.
19:55
Because they because that's where my catchphrase I like them ages just a number really.
20:00
It really took a bad turn.
20:02
Yeah.
20:03
You use that in court.
20:04
Yeah.
20:05
That was your that was your main defense.
20:06
You and Alan.
20:07
Yeah.
20:08
Well, it was Alan's main defense for me, which it didn't work.
20:11
Didn't work.
20:12
Oddly.
20:13
Are you still in court right now?
20:14
OK, we're out of court.
20:15
So technically it worked.
20:16
He should be in court.
20:17
He has a court date right now, by the way.
20:20
Oh, you know, I wrote some I wrote that down on a coffee filter.
20:26
The date and time.
20:27
I think I used the coffee filter.
20:29
It's probably have ink poisoning then, by the way.
20:33
Yeah.
20:34
Wow, I should also ask before we move on.
20:37
Are you sure that's your grandfather's earn?
20:39
Because Evan's been filling up earns with cat litter.
20:41
Are you sure you grab the right earn?
20:43
Positive.
20:44
When Pappal when when he passed, we put his earn immediately on the radiator.
20:50
Right.
20:51
Yeah, you told us that.
20:52
And it hasn't moved since then.
20:55
We kind of thought maybe my grandmother, grandma, if you will, we thought she might, you know,
21:01
take him out, sit him on the porch, let him get some fresh air.
21:03
No, she actually covered him up with a quilt so that he couldn't see.
21:09
That's a whole nother kind of worms we need to get into and why your grandma thinks that
21:13
Italian.
21:14
Is that Italian?
21:15
What is that?
21:16
German Irish.
21:17
Should we be concerned that she's putting a quilt on a radiator?
21:19
It seems like a fire hazard on on your hands right now.
21:23
Tell me how many times your grandma has burnt down a house.
21:26
I'm not allowed to comment on that.
21:27
She's one of my clients.
21:28
Oh, OK.
21:29
You're representing your grandma to your grandma.
21:31
Yeah.
21:32
I better hope she never gets in a child endangerment case.
21:36
Yeah.
21:37
Alan will now represent you well.
21:39
Let me tell you that.
21:41
I'll do my best.
21:42
Yeah.
21:43
But in fact, that's his lawyer phrases.
21:45
I will do my best.
21:47
I'm looking in the urn now.
21:49
It is cat litter.
21:50
Should you be concerned that somehow there are cats using your grandpa's ashes as a litter
21:55
box?
21:56
You know, it's not out of the realm of possibility.
21:58
Yeah.
21:59
My grandmother does have a substantial amount of cats.
22:02
Oh, OK.
22:03
They have free reign of the facilities there.
22:06
We think that some of them may have developed opposable thumbs so they might be able to
22:11
actually open the urn.
22:13
And so maybe maybe they're using it.
22:16
I don't do you live on top of nuclear waste because you live next to Chernobyl.
22:21
Yeah.
22:22
No evolution is just a rapid pace at your house.
22:25
Yes, evolution is just taking it in a totally different direction.
22:30
You have cats with a possible thumbs.
22:32
That is correct.
22:33
And I will say I've never seen one.
22:35
This is kind of like a urban legend that my grandma tells us all about.
22:40
She's always saying, who got into my cigarettes?
22:43
Yeah.
22:44
Probably one of those opposable thumb cats, you know, like glad she doesn't have a name
22:48
for him.
22:49
She just calls him exactly what they are.
22:51
Yeah.
22:52
Just a possible thumbs cat.
22:53
There's a lot of names you can come up with.
22:55
Yeah.
22:56
Also, weren't you kicked out of the homestead?
22:57
I was.
22:58
So but you keep up with grandma.
22:59
Grandma.
23:00
Grandma.
23:01
Grandma.
23:02
Sorry.
23:03
No, no, grandma.
23:04
Grandma.
23:05
Yes, I was kicked out of the homestead as you know, when I when I left, they said you're
23:10
no longer allowed on the premises.
23:12
However, we're not going to kick you off the family email chain newsletter.
23:16
So I'm still receiving updates very, very frequently.
23:20
I'm just not allowed at the place anymore.
23:23
How are you getting that newsletter living in a van?
23:25
That's actually a great question.
23:27
I have a cousin, Thaddeus, and Thaddeus has a printer at his house because he's rich and
23:34
has a big job.
23:36
He's a fancy printer.
23:37
Nine.
23:38
Just a classic nine to five over here bragging about it.
23:40
Yeah.
23:41
Yeah.
23:42
Costco employees.
23:43
I know.
23:44
So Thaddeus prints off the newsletter and actually brings it to me at the van.
23:48
That's nice.
23:49
He's a good guy.
23:50
He actually voted to keep me in.
23:52
But you know, but he was the only one.
23:55
Yeah, that is that is true.
23:56
I didn't want to bring that up.
23:57
Yeah.
23:58
In fact, grandma voted three times against you, right?
24:02
She did.
24:03
Yeah.
24:04
She blamed Alan completely for the whole cat with thumb situation.
24:07
She thinks Alan is the reason that her cats have opposable thumbs.
24:10
Yeah.
24:11
Even though I've never seen them with opposable thumbs before, she keeps making that up.
24:15
Yeah.
24:16
So I don't understand how she can blame that on me.
24:19
She does heavily.
24:20
Every time I go over there for dinner, you're allowed over there.
24:24
Yeah.
24:25
I jumped the fence and I pretend that I'm one of your family members.
24:27
They have not questioned me yet.
24:29
We have a big family.
24:30
Yeah.
24:31
No, it's not.
24:32
It's three other people.
24:33
And they just I just walk in and I sit down and they just give me a plate and I start
24:38
eating it.
24:39
Yeah.
24:40
And there are a lot of cats.
24:41
I don't mind that, though.
24:42
I've been using all the litter that Evan's been giving to stray cats and I bring it over
24:47
there because I'm tired of it being in the van.
24:49
Sure.
24:50
With all our ravioli pecans.
24:51
And now we just have a bunch of litter in there.
24:52
We don't have enough room.
24:54
Yeah.
24:55
Right.
24:56
And Savannah is probably going to move in here soon because this date's going well.
24:58
Yeah.
24:59
We don't have room for four people, so we're going to get rid of that pretty quickly.
25:02
Savannah, one of my fun facts is, as you can see in this man purse that I have brought,
25:07
some people would call a satchel.
25:09
Indiana Jones wears one.
25:10
It's not weird.
25:11
I have a bag of spaghetti.
25:12
Here's the thing.
25:13
My fun fact is I just have it just in case.
25:16
Just in case what?
25:19
Sorry.
25:20
Just in case.
25:23
Okay, sorry.
25:26
You know, just a rainy day.
25:28
So this is cooked spaghetti.
25:30
No, it's not cooked.
25:31
It's just dry spaghetti noodles.
25:33
It's dry spaghetti noodles and I have used sauce.
25:36
As you can see here, I have their sauce all in the bag with the dry spaghetti noodles
25:41
and really the Swiss Army knife of things you can carry around in a man satchel.
25:46
So you use this dry spaghetti for your hair?
25:49
Yeah.
25:50
I look like a muppet.
25:51
It's just...
25:52
You look like a straw man.
25:54
Yeah.
25:55
They put you out in the field.
25:57
A scarecrow?
25:58
That's what they're called.
25:59
Where I come from, they're called straw men.
26:02
But yeah, I do look like a scarecrow.
26:06
I've had to do it multiple times.
26:08
It is the one thing I do wear when I go over to Alan's family's house.
26:11
They have mentioned it.
26:12
They say I look beautiful.
26:13
They say I should be in a hair commercial.
26:16
So they're very complimentary people.
26:18
Well, that's actually like the highest compliment I think you can get from them.
26:22
They think people who are in hair commercials are the biggest celebrities.
26:26
Yeah, they say that.
26:27
They sit around the TV and every time a hair commercial comes on, they say,
26:31
Shh!
26:32
Stop talking. Stop talking.
26:33
The hair commercial's on.
26:34
And I have to be quiet.
26:36
It's very awkward every time.
26:37
It's when I usually leave because I just get the free food and leave.
26:41
And I'll usually say something mean about you on the way out and they'll agree with me.
26:45
Now let me ask you this.
26:46
I haven't been on a date in a very long time.
26:48
Do you think a woman would find it valuable that I carry around a bag of spaghetti?
26:52
Absolutely not.
26:54
But I think that's only because women are short-sighted.
26:56
That's why you haven't been on a lot of dates.
26:59
That is true.
27:00
I would say every time I'm on a date, I immediately sit down and start talking about how women are less than men.
27:06
That'll do it right there.
27:08
It doesn't bode well for us.
27:10
As a group, on the date, it doesn't bode well for us when we do that.
27:13
Well, I want y'all to compliment me right now.
27:15
I have not done that yet.
27:16
I think we shouldn't have to compliment you for doing what you already know you shouldn't be doing.
27:22
Listen, I am always looking for a compliment at any given time.
27:25
Let's go around the room.
27:27
Savannah, you'll be first.
27:28
Give me a compliment.
27:29
This is toxic behavior to ask your friends to compliment you.
27:33
Boo.
27:35
One second.
27:37
You're not my friend yet.
27:39
Okay.
27:40
Then I guess my only nice thing is that at least you have a satchel to carry things and you're not asking a girl to put things in her purse.
27:51
Oh, I do.
27:52
You have your own purse.
27:53
I do.
27:54
I have a lot of bags of spaghetti.
27:55
The satchel's not big enough to carry them all.
27:57
Then I have nothing nice to say.
27:59
We'll come back to you.
28:00
You need to think of a compliment for me.
28:02
Evan, go ahead and give me a compliment.
28:03
Your eyes aren't bulging as much today.
28:05
They aren't.
28:06
The swelling in my eye sockets seems to be down today.
28:10
I appreciate that.
28:11
I'm so tired of people calling me Pug Man.
28:14
It is very annoying when I'm walking around and people are like, oh, look at the Pug Man.
28:21
And I'm like, you don't know me.
28:23
Stop calling me the Pug Man.
28:24
And it looks very strange.
28:26
I bulging eyes.
28:27
I'm wearing spaghetti, uncooked spaghetti as my hair.
28:32
So I turn heads constantly.
28:35
But thank you.
28:36
See, Savannah, take a note of this is why Evan's going to be a great.
28:39
This is how you be a friend.
28:40
That's right.
28:41
His words for sure.
28:42
Yeah, yeah.
28:43
He's a wordsmith.
28:44
But that's how you give a compliment.
28:45
Thank you, Evan.
28:46
My eyes are a little less swollen today and it made me confident going on your date with
28:51
you.
28:52
Made me feel better about it.
28:53
All right, Alan, why don't you pay me a compliment now?
28:54
I'd like to compliment your fashion choice this evening.
28:58
Yes, yes.
28:59
I work very hard on this.
29:01
It takes a bold individual.
29:03
And I am.
29:04
And I am.
29:05
To wear lace up knee high boots.
29:07
Yeah, yeah.
29:08
It not only takes a bold individual, it takes an individual with a lot of commitment because
29:19
it takes forever to lace up these boots.
29:22
It is a process.
29:24
There is at least 56 holes you have to run that lace through.
29:30
And heaven forbid you get the lace uneven, you have to redo it all.
29:34
Yes, sir.
29:35
So yeah.
29:36
And did you notice that they have four inch heels on them?
29:38
I did.
29:39
Yeah.
29:40
Is that a spike at the bottom?
29:41
It is a spike at the bottom.
29:42
I took inspiration from maybe an 80s transvestite.
29:47
You know, I just think that fashion was the peak of fashion.
29:49
And it also makes me four inches taller.
29:51
And as somebody that is 5'3", that makes me about 5'7".
29:55
It makes me about average.
29:57
And anybody were to give me a compliment, it is you are the most average person right now.
30:02
And this puts me over that line.
30:04
I've been trying to think of who you remind me of, but the boots bring it in.
30:07
You remind me of Patrick Starr from SpongeBob.
30:10
Yeah.
30:11
And I have, he's also big inspiration for me.
30:13
I do the dance, that SpongeBob movie.
30:15
He also has a co-dependent relationship with his neighbor.
30:19
He does, yeah.
30:20
Alright, so Savannah, that's three good compliments there.
30:23
You're the last one to pay me a compliment here.
30:26
I liked how you introduced yourself when you came in.
30:29
I did.
30:30
He's a great hero.
30:31
That was good.
30:32
Yeah, I said my name.
30:34
That was good.
30:35
And I feel like for the foundation of introducing yourself, you should say your name.
30:39
That was very impressive.
30:40
But overall, I think it was a great introduction.
30:42
See, that was a great compliment there.
30:44
Good job, Savannah.
30:45
See, Evans, I think there is value in her.
30:47
This may work out after all.
30:48
I do have a question, actually, really for Evan, but I guess for the whole group.
30:53
If it's for me, it's for everyone.
30:55
Do any of you have jobs?
30:57
Well.
30:58
What?
30:59
Define.
31:00
Conventional jobs.
31:01
Could you define a job, please?
31:04
Where you get paid to do something.
31:06
Where you get paid to do something legally.
31:09
That's a tricky question.
31:12
The legal part kind of throws us off.
31:14
I'm not sure I'm allowed to answer.
31:16
Yeah.
31:18
Short answer.
31:19
No.
31:20
Long answer.
31:22
No.
31:41
So what I hear is you're three men who live in a van with no jobs, no income.
31:45
You would be happy to know that a couple of weeks back we did have a job interview.
31:48
We tried.
31:49
Yeah, we got an interview.
31:50
Just the one interview then.
31:51
Well, technically it was three.
31:52
Yeah.
31:53
In one.
31:54
We just knocked it all out at the same time.
31:55
It was easier that way.
31:56
It made more sense.
31:57
She has not called us back.
31:59
We assume that their phone lines are down or something like that, but we're hopeful.
32:03
So.
32:04
SWAT did rate it whenever we were there.
32:06
They could have just been down for a couple of days.
32:08
She was saying like, get out, get out, get out, but it wasn't.
32:12
We don't know that that was necessarily directed at us.
32:15
Yeah.
32:16
It could have been like a terrorist.
32:17
She had a lazy eye, so it was very hard to tell where she was looking.
32:19
So it could have been somebody behind us.
32:21
It's not our fault.
32:22
It is not our fault.
32:23
But we are trying.
32:24
We don't have jobs.
32:27
Is that a deal breaker for you and Evan and us?
32:31
Well, like I said, my bar is pretty low.
32:34
Yeah.
32:35
I think the no job thing I could get past, but the three men in a van is going to be pretty hard for me.
32:41
Do you have a place?
32:42
I don't know that I should say the answer to that right now.
32:45
Just in case.
32:46
Let me rephrase Alan's question.
32:48
Do you have a place?
32:49
Give us the exact address and times you are not home.
32:52
And next question, does it have space for a Chevy Astro van in the parking lot?
32:57
And I don't do street parking.
32:58
Again, I don't think I should answer.
33:00
This is like a second date kind of a conversation.
33:03
Or maybe it's just me and Evan next time.
33:07
I don't see that.
33:08
I don't see that happening.
33:10
We go with Evan wherever he goes.
33:12
He goes wherever we go.
33:13
If you date Evan, you date all of us.
33:15
It's almost a very Mormon type situation.
33:18
You get the passion from me, but you get the company of everyone.
33:21
Is there a room that we can put bunk beds in your house?
33:24
Multiple bunk beds.
33:25
Yeah, way more bunk beds than we have people really.
33:29
We want to make a bunk bed fort.
33:31
Yeah, a super bunk bed fort.
33:33
A bunk bed.
33:34
A bunk bed, but it looks like a fort.
33:37
You want to call it Fort Bunkington.
33:44
We will protect your house in Fort Bunkington from all threats.
33:48
Aerial, naval.
33:49
Yeah, I won't protect it at all.
33:50
I'm scared to death of getting into a fight.
33:52
I will run at the first sign of trouble.
33:55
We will have men stationed on all corners of Fort Bunkington.
33:58
There are three of us.
33:59
There will be three corners.
34:02
The room we're talking about is a triangle shape, right?
34:05
Yeah, it sounds like you have a very strange house.
34:08
I haven't said anything about my house.
34:10
Why do you have a room with three corners?
34:12
These are assumptions you're making about my house.
34:14
No, they're facts.
34:15
We know.
34:16
Oh, how do you know?
34:18
We've done our research.
34:19
Okay, so you know where I live.
34:20
Well, no.
34:21
We've got a rough idea.
34:23
Yeah, you just seem like somebody that would have a room with three corners.
34:27
We've taken your personality, formed an entire house model.
34:30
Yeah, that's right.
34:31
Do you want to see the house model?
34:32
I drew it out here at the floor plan.
34:34
Here it is.
34:35
See, here's the room with the three corners.
34:36
Here is a room that's generally just a circle next to the triangle room.
34:41
Did you just build a house completely based off of just random shapes?
34:46
Well, again, you made this model yourself.
34:49
There's a toilet.
34:50
Look here, guys.
34:51
You're guessing.
34:52
Look here.
34:53
She has a toilet in the middle of the living room.
34:54
That's smart.
34:55
Yeah, I mean, she could just watch TV and use the restroom.
34:58
That is pretty cool.
34:59
And the moat, would you say that's four inches or six inches wide?
35:03
I feel like this is your dream house you guys are modeling, not my house.
35:08
Maybe it's just hopeful thinking, like wishful thinking.
35:11
She came in here and we were like, man, I hope.
35:13
Maybe we think you're better.
35:14
Did we jump the gun a little bit too much, guys?
35:16
I think you guys jump the gun a lot, actually.
35:18
Yeah, I think we jumped.
35:19
Let's huddle over here real quick.
35:20
Okay, okay.
35:21
Guys, hold on.
35:22
Give us a second, Savannah.
35:23
As lawyer, Alan would say sidebar.
35:25
Yeah, this will be a sidebar.
35:26
How do y'all think this is going?
35:28
I think it's going great.
35:29
I think it's going pretty well.
35:30
She seems to love us.
35:31
She has not run away and pepper sprayed us yet.
35:34
Not in that order.
35:36
The fact that she's still here is, I think that speaks volumes.
35:39
It speaks volumes.
35:40
And I don't know if that's just because Zach is blocking her in on her side of the booth.
35:45
What I've done is she doesn't know this, but I put a pair of handcuffs on her ankle and on the table.
35:51
So she physically cannot go anywhere.
35:55
Which is why she loves us so much because she's been here the whole time.
35:59
Yeah, she loves us so much because she can tell we're committed to getting to nowhere.
36:04
How long does it take for Stockholm Syndrome to set in?
36:07
Around us, I mean, it's like 30 minutes.
36:09
Hold on, let me ask her.
36:10
Hey, Savannah, do you know how long it takes for Stockholm Syndrome to set in?
36:14
I'm unsure.
36:15
Why are you asking?
36:16
I wouldn't worry about it.
36:18
We're just somehow gotten the subject of Stockholm Syndrome.
36:21
We're sidebar-ing.
36:22
Yeah, you know how sidebar-ing is.
36:24
On a date.
36:25
Classic.
36:26
Yeah, classic.
36:27
But you didn't answer the question.
36:28
Do you know how long Stockholm Syndrome takes to set in?
36:32
Got to be at least 45 minutes, I think.
36:34
Okay.
36:35
Nice.
36:36
It's probably happening then, right?
36:37
I would say so.
36:38
For sure, yeah.
36:39
Yeah, okay.
36:40
All right, let's go back to Savannah here.
36:42
Savannah, all right, so our next question for you on the date is, what do you find valuable in a man and what do you see in Evan that you find valuable?
36:50
Well, normally I would say that I like a man with a job and a house and some stability.
36:55
Yeah.
36:56
But I'm just really trying to shake things up, so I guess what I see in Evan is that he's spontaneous.
37:03
He never knows what he's going to do next.
37:06
He does not.
37:07
And I like that, you know, what is he going to do?
37:10
You know, you really like to see what's coming next and how he's going to plan his day.
37:14
My brain is basically a swamp.
37:16
Yeah.
37:17
Yeah, and I've realized that all of his plans involve you too.
37:21
Yes.
37:22
Might be an issue.
37:23
But that's the one thing you know is a constant in his life is we ask Evan, what are you doing after this?
37:29
Tell us what you're doing after this.
37:30
Probably something with Alan and Zach.
37:32
Yeah, see that?
37:33
He doesn't know what.
37:34
Nailed it.
37:35
He doesn't know what, but he knows we're going to be involved and that's how we like it.
37:38
As far as the Steviastra van, I know you're probably moving out of your house now that you're starting dating Evan.
37:44
And since your house plan doesn't fit the mold we like, I'm thinking you can just go and move in a van.
37:50
How do you like your bed arrange?
37:52
Do you want to be on the top bunk or the bottom bunk?
37:55
I am on the bottom bunk.
37:56
Alan is just above me.
37:58
Evan weirdly tries to sleep like a bat hanging over the top bunk.
38:03
I like the blood flow.
38:05
Yeah, he says to us when we're going to sleep, man, I love when the blood rushes to my head and I can feel my eyes swell.
38:13
He's got so many good jokes like how's it hanging?
38:16
Like hang on a second.
38:18
Bedtime is a riot.
38:20
I get some good laughs.
38:22
Yeah, it takes us easily three hours to follow his sleep every night because Evan has just a nonstop joke arsenal of hanging jokes.
38:30
So what I'm hearing is you guys built your own bunk beds in a van.
38:34
Yes.
38:35
Okay. Are these structurally sound at all?
38:38
No, definitely not. They are mostly set up on five gallon buckets.
38:44
It's a lot of scaffolding.
38:46
I guess if I had to, if I have to answer the question, bottom bunk then feels safer.
38:52
I like that idea because then I can just hang on over, just check on you in the middle.
38:57
The puns are good.
38:59
You'll wake up and Evan will just be hanging in your face, just eyes red from all the blood that has rushed to his head.
39:07
It's probably something that will wake you up nice in the morning.
39:09
Sounds romantic, honestly.
39:11
The thing about the structural integrity of those bunk beds is that they have no structural integrity.
39:17
So multiple times, me on the bottom bunk, Alan on the top, that bunk bed falls off and lands on me constantly.
39:23
Especially when we're driving.
39:26
Evan will drive and me and Alan will just take a quick nap.
39:29
And Evan will just take turns very hard.
39:32
He will run stop lights, he will run stop signs, and the beds just fall apart.
39:37
So you pick the bottom bunk, but just be aware that the top bunk falls on you multiple times at night.
39:43
So that being said, be prepared to cuddle.
39:46
Because once we fall, there will be a lot of cuddling happening.
39:48
Because you're already going to be asleep, you're not going to want to have to reassemble your scaffolding.
39:52
Just to go back to sleep.
39:54
So Alan and Zach, multiple times a day, end up spooning.
39:58
And honestly, because the bunk beds fall down a lot, we all end up just kind of sleeping in one bed.
40:03
There might be a situation that all four of us will be sleeping in a bed together.
40:08
So I just...
40:09
That's the only reason we sleep in the bed together.
40:11
Not because we like it, but because we have to.
40:14
I enjoy... well, personally, I enjoy the physical contact.
40:17
I was neglected as a child, so the physical contact is nice.
40:20
But yeah, if I had a choice, we're sleeping in the bunk beds.
40:23
But you know, just full disclosure here.
40:25
When you move into the van, you might be sleeping on a precarious bunk bed that will turn into a group cuddle session.
40:32
It's good to know.
40:33
It's very good to know.
40:35
I'll take that into consideration.
40:37
I have a lot to think about, honestly, after this date.
40:40
Well, it has been a date.
40:42
Don't air quote that.
40:43
It's an actual date.
40:44
We have not ordered food yet.
40:46
I haven't seen our waitress.
40:47
I don't know if a waitress works here.
40:49
I don't think they do.
40:50
I think you just walk back to the kitchen and you just get what you want.
40:53
Oh, okay.
40:54
It's a self-service.
40:55
Yeah. Cook for yourself situation.
40:56
I got you.
40:57
Yeah, well, I brought my own spaghetti.
40:59
Did y'all bring anything?
41:01
I just brought a couple of extra bags to put additional rolls in.
41:04
I was going to take those home for us for later.
41:06
When do you think you'll move in?
41:08
Do we need to go ahead and go to your place after this?
41:11
Absolutely not.
41:12
I think that'll be a while.
41:14
Well, I mean, we can wait a few hours if that didn't talk about it.
41:17
Well, you know.
41:18
The place doesn't close until nine.
41:19
We need a couple more dates or something first.
41:21
Well, dates work great when you're jammed into a van with three other people.
41:25
You get to know the other people very well.
41:27
It's quick.
41:28
What we'll do is we'll ration and section off you some ravioli cans.
41:31
Ration, okay.
41:32
Yeah, yeah.
41:33
And that way you can have food to eat and you also have a bathroom to use.
41:37
Please don't knock over the urns.
41:39
They're full of cat litter and if you knock them over, it makes a mess.
41:42
Cat litter is not very fun to walk on because Alan has this weird rule that if you're in the van, you can't wear shoes.
41:49
Yeah.
41:50
Yeah.
41:51
I mean, you don't want to bring outside dirt in.
41:53
I get that.
41:54
Yeah, that's why.
41:55
Well, his thing, it's not about outside dirt in.
41:57
It's about inside dirt out.
41:58
He's very particular about his dirt inside.
42:01
When you get in there, you'll notice that there is just about three inch layer of sand that he slowly collects everywhere he goes.
42:09
And it's almost like walking on a beach in New Jersey where it's just full of shards of glass and needles and stuff.
42:17
I actually love sand.
42:18
I love it because it's coarse, rough and irritating.
42:23
And I love it to get everywhere.
42:24
Right.
42:25
It's interesting to sleep with that because you get up and in your bed.
42:28
But yeah, so just know that that's also a part of our van.
42:32
You will have to foot the bill for a lot of the gas, though, because again, we don't have a job.
42:39
Zero income.
42:40
Do you have a job?
42:41
I guess I'm jumping to conclusions.
42:43
Yeah.
42:44
Oh, yes, I do have a job.
42:46
What is your job?
42:48
I'm an accountant.
42:49
Oh, okay.
42:50
She's a numbers person.
42:51
All right.
42:52
Big brain activities.
42:53
Yeah.
42:54
Yeah.
42:55
What is three plus three right now?
42:56
Six.
42:57
Thank God.
42:58
We have been wondering that.
42:59
We have been trying to figure that out for days now.
43:02
I guess we can erase all that math off the whiteboard.
43:05
It was getting like goodwill hunting in there with all the lines on the boards and none of us could figure it out.
43:09
Yeah, we were drawing shapes.
43:11
We were drawing symbols.
43:13
For some reason, just the three and the three were throwing us off completely.
43:17
You'll be very valuable to us in the van.
43:19
Have you ever thought about if you take a three and then another three and flip it around and put them together, they make an eight.
43:25
Holy cow.
43:27
Can we get him published?
43:28
And also, if you take a three and a three and you put it together, it just looks like they're spooning.
43:33
As an accountant, have you ever thought about the things we're bringing to you now?
43:37
No, these are big ideas that you guys are having.
43:41
So I guess that's what the van's for.
43:43
Workshopping, ideas.
43:45
Yeah.
43:46
Sand, needles.
43:48
Kitty litter.
43:49
Bunk beds.
43:50
It sounds like you have pretty much figured it out.
43:52
I'm glad you're mentally prepared because we're going to go to your house once we're done here and we're going to go and pick up your clothes.
43:59
Or what we can do is just buy more zebra onesies for Evan.
44:02
He likes that.
44:04
So, hey guys, do we really, are we for sure she's going to fit in?
44:08
But we can fit in personality wise or like size wise?
44:12
I can't fit in the Chevy Astro van.
44:15
Personality wise, the Astro is very roomy.
44:18
That was one of the perks.
44:19
That was one of the perks.
44:20
Because I feel like Zach was saying we got to clean it up like she's not going to fit in there.
44:25
I meant personality wise.
44:27
I mean, I'm just playing devil's advocate here.
44:29
She seems great, but.
44:31
She works with us, but will she work with the weird assortment of people that we just kind of let live there every once in a while?
44:37
This is something we should mention.
44:39
Every once in a while, there'll be drifters that come in.
44:41
They'll stay in the extra bed.
44:43
We have a series of couches kind of just in and out of the place.
44:47
Anybody that asked us to stay the night, we said yes.
44:50
We say yes, you know.
44:51
Well, then you have three guys in double bunk beds, so I get it.
44:54
Exactly.
44:55
There's a fourth bed.
44:56
We're generous.
44:57
But now that you're here.
44:58
I guess do we need to do like a lightning round of questions for her just to see if she'll fit in?
45:04
Yeah, what question do you have for her?
45:06
I think Alan can go first for her.
45:08
Yeah, and I've got thanks for that, Evan.
45:11
In terms of Legos, how many do you have and can we play with them?
45:18
Yes, that's a great question.
45:19
We've always said that we don't have enough Legos in the van.
45:21
Are you one of those people who you just you like to build the set and leave it as is or can we kind of take apart and mix and match, you know?
45:29
Well, I do want to point out I am an adult with a normal job, so.
45:33
So you got Lego money.
45:34
I have zero Legos though.
45:36
But Lego money, so the possibility of Legos is present.
45:40
That's fair.
45:41
I have Lego money, as some would call it.
45:44
When we sign the contract for her to move in the van, in that contract needs to have a Lego clause.
45:49
It's a six year contract.
45:51
Yeah.
45:52
OK, I mean, I don't call it Lego money.
45:53
I call it bills, food, life money.
45:56
But I could see how you guys would.
45:58
You have the board game life too?
46:00
You have the board game life.
46:01
Legos and we're going to have a blast.
46:04
Weird that she didn't lead with that.
46:06
That's great.
46:07
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
46:08
We're going to have Legos and the game life.
46:10
Holy cow.
46:11
When it comes to lighting in the van, Savannah, question number two here, strobe lights.
46:16
How do you feel about them?
46:17
Because we like to run 24 7.
46:19
Yeah, we like the van to be constantly looking like a hardcore rock show stage.
46:25
You know, just even at night, we're just have flashing lights constantly.
46:30
Are you OK with that?
46:31
So not exactly.
46:33
I am prone to seizures, so I don't know that this is going to be the best environment for me personally.
46:39
Our van is actually prone to seizures, like searching seizures.
46:43
Oh, yeah, that is true.
46:45
We get into a lot of situations where cops want to search our van and they do seize a lot of the stuff.
46:51
It's great that we have that in common.
46:53
Yeah.
46:54
So if very different kind of seizure, Alan will protect you as your lawyer because he's your lawyer now.
47:01
He's your lawyer. He will protect you from your seizures.
47:04
Right. So anybody tries to take anything from you, he says, swiper, no swiping.
47:08
I say remember the 12th Amendment.
47:10
Yes, he brings up the 12th Amendment a lot.
47:13
We've asked him what that is.
47:15
He says something about seizures and don't do it.
47:19
But yeah, so don't worry about the seizures.
47:21
We get into it a lot.
47:23
My next question, Savannah, is how many weapons do you carry at one time?
47:27
Just these fists. That's it.
47:29
Okay, I like the confidence there. You're going to need more weapons.
47:33
We fight off a lot of people. People hate us.
47:37
People are angry with us.
47:39
We have a lot of beef, but we also have a lot of other meats as well.
47:50
We have a lot of gangs coming for us.
47:52
We do have a lot of gangs coming for us.
47:54
We get into a lot of altercations.
47:56
Yeah, so I'd recommend having a katana, maybe a couple throwing stars,
48:01
just so if we're asleep and the van gets attacked and protect us.
48:05
So are you guys in a gang or...?
48:07
Well, we've tried to be in a gang before. It doesn't usually work out.
48:11
It's more of a 70s The Warriors kind of game.
48:15
It's a bunch of friends just hanging out.
48:17
Wearing matching clothes.
48:19
Yeah, just wearing matching clothes.
48:21
Which we never decided on what our Warriors gang theme was going to be.
48:26
Did you guys have any ideas on that?
48:28
I'm thinking overalls.
48:30
Okay.
48:31
I'm thinking overalls, nose shirt underneath, knee-high boots.
48:35
Mostly because I cannot take these off.
48:38
So I just would rather go ahead and just kind of keep these, get y'all some,
48:42
and just kind of add overalls, yeah.
48:44
Quite the look.
48:45
I was thinking more of a hot dog mascot.
48:48
Yeah.
48:49
That's a good one too.
48:51
Can I do the knee-high boots and the hot dog mascot?
48:54
It's a free country.
48:55
Okay, well then I'm fine with that.
48:57
As long as I can keep my knee-high boots.
48:59
All right, Savannah, we're going to go get your stuff.
49:01
We're going to move in.
49:02
Any last questions for us before we go ahead and go get your things and move you in?
49:05
We want you to be comfortable with us.
49:06
Yeah.
49:07
Well, I never actually said I was moving in with you guys.
49:10
I do think you guys keep jumping to conclusions, but...
49:14
That doesn't sound like it.
49:15
I can't personally jump because my kneecaps are solid and I cannot bend my knees.
49:20
So jumping is not a thing for me, so therefore I cannot jump to conclusions.
49:23
And I have never concluded anything in my life.
49:25
All my stories end in the middle of the novel.
49:28
I jump more frequently than I walk, so I'm good with that.
49:31
Yeah, he will jump to conclusions.
49:33
So at least two of us have not jumped because one's physically not able,
49:37
the other is mentally not able to conclude anything in his life.
49:40
You guys are really selling yourselves here.
49:42
At least you're honest.
49:43
I mean, that's about all I can say.
49:45
At least you're honest.
49:46
Yeah, we should be salesmen, though.
49:48
She brings up a good point.
49:49
We should probably get into the selling.
49:51
It could be a great job.
49:52
That's not what I said.
49:53
We could sell our bodies.
49:54
Yeah, there you go.
49:55
We could sell our bodies.
49:56
You meant on the black market.
49:58
Yeah.
49:59
We'll just sell ourselves, you know?
50:01
Yeah.
50:02
Oh, okay.
50:03
No, no, no, no.
50:04
Please explain what you mean.
50:05
I need you to explain this.
50:06
Please explain what you mean.
50:07
You said you know.
50:08
I don't know.
50:09
No, you get it.
50:10
Not like in a weird way, just like you're going to sell your image.
50:14
Like a kidney?
50:15
Sell yourself.
50:16
Like a kidney.
50:17
Sell pictures of yourself?
50:18
No, no, no, no.
50:19
Not pictures.
50:20
We're not selling Oregon.
50:21
It's nothing weird.
50:22
You're just selling yourself out there and then people will buy you.
50:27
Evan does.
50:28
He's had this idea before.
50:29
He goes to the people on the sidewalk and goes, will you buy me?
50:33
And they go, what do you mean?
50:34
He's just like, pay me money for being me.
50:37
Exactly.
50:38
He has not made a sale yet.
50:39
I'm not going to bring that up.
50:40
So you just want to be paid for existing.
50:42
I'm selling my body.
50:44
Let me translate.
50:45
This house often happens to have a unique kind of Evan translator.
50:48
Eleanor and I are good at this.
50:49
I think he means he just wants to be paid for taking up an area of space on this planet.
50:54
So existing.
50:55
Not existing per se.
50:57
He can be dead, right?
50:59
There's a amount of square feet, square inches that he takes up and he wants to be paid for
51:05
that.
51:06
It's almost like a real estate thing, you know?
51:08
Every year he goes to a tailor to get his body measured so that he can provide the government
51:15
with his exact measurements and they can determine his worth based off said measurements.
51:20
Right.
51:21
Have they ever paid you?
51:22
Have you ever received a check?
51:24
Not physically.
51:25
A mental check.
51:26
People have oftentimes in white coats come around our vet and ask, can we do a check
51:30
on him?
51:31
So he has received that kind of check.
51:32
And then hockey players come out of nowhere and just check me.
51:34
They do check right into...
51:36
It's really annoying.
51:37
Every time he's next to a glass, a big glass paint...
51:41
There's always a guy on skates, high skates, on the asphalt, shoulders him right into the
51:46
glass.
51:47
I hate winter.
51:48
I'm just going to say that.
51:49
Yeah.
51:50
And hockey season is way too long.
51:51
Right.
51:52
Yeah.
51:53
He's also been mistaken for a check like from Czechoslovakia too.
51:57
He has received...
51:58
Way too many times.
51:59
There was a guy from the Czech that he received.
52:02
He stayed in our van for months.
52:05
He was not a good fit, so I'm kind of hoping you were better than him.
52:07
Because this Czech guy, he always wore his shoes.
52:11
He didn't snore.
52:12
And we like people to snore in the van.
52:14
So we like the strobe lights.
52:15
We like snoring.
52:17
We like to cuddle together.
52:19
That's the environment we want to provide when we sleep.
52:23
So I hope you snore, but if not, it's okay.
52:25
Speaking of, do you have any Eastern European roots in your family?
52:28
Just to get that out of the way.
52:30
No, I don't.
52:31
Good.
52:32
That's good.
52:33
No more Czechs.
52:34
That's a hard stance.
52:35
We have no more Czechs.
52:36
Right.
52:37
Are y'all ready to go?
52:38
We need to clean out the pee cans from the van.
52:41
Number one.
52:42
Let's go in and get our list together.
52:43
We need to at least reset the beds because right now we have been cuddling for the past
52:49
few days.
52:50
Yeah.
52:51
Bars all over the ground.
52:52
Right.
52:53
What else do we need to do?
52:55
We need to get those urns out.
52:57
Evan has too many urns.
52:58
The cat litter thing doesn't make any sense anyway.
53:00
You can never have too many urns.
53:01
Right.
53:02
I'll tell you what we can do.
53:03
Let's open the back doors up.
53:05
Yeah.
53:06
Stand clear.
53:07
I'm going to just put the pedal to the metal, drive really fast and let it all fly out.
53:11
We can reorganize.
53:12
Use inertia to your advantage.
53:14
I enjoy that.
53:15
I thought you guys liked the environment and cared about the environment.
53:18
We like our environment.
53:19
We care about our environment.
53:20
I'm sorry you got mixed up there.
53:22
The real environment is gross.
53:24
Yeah.
53:25
That's why we have...
53:26
We keep it out.
53:27
That's why we keep our dirt in.
53:29
We keep our lights in.
53:30
But yeah, we can just do that.
53:32
We can maybe get on a hill.
53:34
Yeah.
53:35
That would be good.
53:36
And just hit the gas and then that'll get rid of most everything.
53:40
So that's our checklist.
53:41
Savannah, I think you need to go home, start packing up your things, put your house on
53:45
the market, get ready for the Astro.
53:47
You don't even have to put your house on the market.
53:49
Just leave it.
53:50
Just stop paying for it.
53:51
They will never find you.
53:53
That sounds cryptic and bad.
53:55
I don't mean it like that.
53:56
I mean you live in a van now so you can travel around.
54:00
People just won't be able to keep track of you anymore.
54:02
So you can just leave, stop paying your house note.
54:04
Is there any...
54:05
I need three things that you can bring from your house because we do live in a van.
54:09
The space is limited so you can't bring everything.
54:12
What are three things that you're going to bring from your house?
54:14
Well, again, this is hypothetical because I've not signed up to do this.
54:18
But I guess mostly...
54:20
I mean I do have money.
54:21
That is something you guys don't have.
54:23
We would...
54:24
That's smart.
54:25
Yeah.
54:26
Money is good.
54:27
I don't know why I would offer you guys my money but I can bring my money.
54:29
You have just money?
54:30
You just have a cash in your mattress?
54:32
What's going on there?
54:33
Well, I mean...
54:34
You have a bank account, right?
54:35
Normal people have money.
54:36
Yes, normal people have money but that's in a bank account.
54:38
You just keep all your money at home?
54:40
You make it sound like you're afraid of banks.
54:42
I don't trust the banks.
54:44
Yeah, we actually agree with that too.
54:47
We don't trust any bank.
54:48
We don't have a reason to even use a bank but we don't trust any of them because none
54:53
of us have an account open at a bank.
54:55
You're a lot like us in that regard.
54:57
You're a lot like us.
54:58
That's a good thing.
54:59
I'm not going to lie.
55:00
There's a check right there for you.
55:01
Check marks the spot.
55:02
This one might be an issue but I do have a dog.
55:07
Does the dog have less than four legs?
55:10
No, he has all four legs.
55:12
That's going to be a problem.
55:13
Can we go and remove one leg?
55:14
Absolutely not.
55:15
Can we remove two of the legs?
55:18
No.
55:19
Maybe let him drag around front legs only.
55:21
We really like that dog wheelchair situation where the back legs are wheels.
55:24
It's cute.
55:26
We really like that.
55:27
No, he's four legs.
55:29
He's in perfect health.
55:31
He can say in perfect health but we can go ahead and just remove the back legs.
55:34
He doesn't need them anymore.
55:35
He's an astro.
55:36
He's in an astro.
55:37
Where does he need to go?
55:38
Where does he need to go?
55:39
He can use the cat litter arms if he needs to.
55:40
There you go.
55:41
Is there a family member that can take him if you want to keep the four legs like somebody
55:44
you can give him to?
55:45
Are you trying to make sure I have a family member to know where I am because this feels
55:48
... No.
55:49
No, actually we don't want any of your family to know where you are.
55:52
So then yes, I do have a family member.
55:56
We'll remove the back legs of your dog.
55:59
We'll just... We have a hacksaw somewhere in the van.
56:02
We'll figure that out.
56:03
All right, third thing, what are you bringing?
56:04
I have a pretty extensive blanket collection.
56:08
Okay.
56:09
Good.
56:10
All right.
56:11
Which would be good I guess for cuddling unless it... I don't know what the air conditioning
56:14
situation is in the van.
56:15
There is none.
56:16
None existing.
56:17
Okay.
56:18
Interesting.
56:19
Interesting.
56:20
That's going to be a problem.
56:21
It's a lot like the So Charlie's.
56:22
Yeah.
56:23
There's zero airflow.
56:24
Yeah.
56:25
It's really stuffy.
56:26
Yeah.
56:27
The smells are just... They're pungent.
56:28
Yeah.
56:29
Each of us have a different shift during the night.
56:31
It's called the fan shift.
56:33
Yeah.
56:34
And we have a collapsible cardboard box where we sit there and just fan the other two as
56:41
they sleep.
56:42
Yeah.
56:43
That's the one fan shift.
56:44
The other fan shift is what Evan just brought up as in we just tear each other while we
56:49
sleep.
56:50
So it's a rotate.
56:51
So one person really gets asleep.
56:52
You're sleeping so well.
56:54
Yeah.
56:55
You're going to be great on that fan shift.
56:57
Yeah.
56:58
So basically one person sleeps, one person has a fan and just cools them down.
57:03
The other person cheers them on while they sleep.
57:06
So there's strobe lights, there's snoring, there's sand in your bed.
57:10
Somebody is cheering you on while you sleep.
57:13
People are trying to get into the van to sleep.
57:15
There people are attacking.
57:17
So it makes for a very comfortable, very relaxed night.
57:22
Not to mention you have the smell of Alan's papa.
57:25
That's right.
57:26
There's dirty litter.
57:27
I mean there's dirt.
57:28
Oh the smells.
57:29
Yeah.
57:30
Everyone's sweating.
57:31
There's no air conditioning.
57:32
Yeah.
57:33
That's right.
57:34
This is a hard sell you guys.
57:35
But it's good that you're bringing blankets.
57:37
We can make flags out of those blankets.
57:39
Oh, a fort.
57:40
We could do a fort too, but stop interrupting me on my ideas.
57:44
We're going to do a flag.
57:46
We're going to draw on the flag, put it on top of the Astro van, have a banner for the
57:50
Astro van.
57:51
What's it going to be called?
57:52
The flag?
57:53
What's going to be written on the flag?
57:54
Stay away, we're scared of you.
57:58
Because we are just very fearful of everybody.
58:01
Again it's why we need blankets.
58:03
We're going to have those words written again in Spanish for other people that we're afraid
58:09
of.
58:10
That's nice to be inclusive.
58:11
Yes.
58:12
It's very nice.
58:13
But yeah, you seem like you're bringing enough to the table.
58:14
The biggest thing is the money.
58:16
We really need that.
58:18
Our van, we're going to have to stay in this O'Charlie's parking lot for at least a few
58:22
days because we were out of gas.
58:23
We barely got in here.
58:25
It ran out of gas when we parked.
58:27
I had to push it the last half of the way because that's why I'm so sweaty right now.
58:31
It is just bleeding through the silk.
58:33
Is that why you were late?
58:35
No, that wasn't why I was late.
58:38
That was more of a choice.
58:39
It was a fashion choice.
58:41
He was like, we're supposed to be here at 630 and he said to us, he was like, I'm not
58:45
going to show up until 730.
58:47
Wow.
58:48
Yeah.
58:49
It was a conscious choice for him to be like, I'm going to be late.
58:50
It was a real power move I think.
58:52
Was it for the entrance?
58:54
A lot of it was.
58:56
Whenever you see my herald, my messenger of the gods coming, he is just a sight for sore
59:03
eyes.
59:04
Right.
59:05
My eyes are sore because they swell.
59:09
People call me Pugman.
59:10
We've gone over this before.
59:11
I feel like I've seen Pugman around.
59:14
It's good to really put a face with no face.
59:17
As you can see, my eyes are starting to swell.
59:18
It gets worse throughout the day.
59:20
As the day progresses, my eyes swell even more.
59:26
You have money right now?
59:27
Yes.
59:28
Okay.
59:29
We can at least get a gas of tank to go pick up her stuff.
59:32
A gas of tank?
59:40
By gas of tank, I mean a tank of gas to go pick up your stuff to move in the van.
59:47
This is exciting.
59:49
We haven't had somebody live in there permanently since the check guy.
59:54
This is going to be good.
59:55
I'm excited to see what goes on in the future.
59:58
Anything else?
59:59
We like to grab as much silverware from places we eat before we leave.
1:00:05
We use silverware for multiple purposes, not only to eat.
1:00:09
Weapons is a good one.
1:00:10
We like to stick forks into outlets.
1:00:12
Do you have outlets in the van?
1:00:15
No.
1:00:16
We go to libraries and other public places.
1:00:19
We don't drink coffee.
1:00:20
We don't have enough money for coffee.
1:00:22
What we do to wake up in the morning is we just stick forks in outlets.
1:00:26
Kind of explains your eye problem.
1:00:27
It explains a lot of issues.
1:00:30
The connectivity of my brain is kind of jittery sometimes.
1:00:34
I stutter.
1:00:35
I mix my words up.
1:00:37
It's fine.
1:00:38
It wakes me up in the morning.
1:00:40
We usually short circuit every public place we go to because we start sticking forks
1:00:44
in the outlets.
1:00:45
We didn't order anything.
1:00:47
I never saw a waitress.
1:00:49
I don't think they work here.
1:00:50
It was self-service.
1:00:52
You can't tell the difference between the employees and the diners here at Appara.
1:00:56
Where are we at?
1:00:57
O'Charlie's.
1:00:58
You can never tell the difference between the employees and the patrons at O'Charlie's.
1:01:04
We haven't really waved down.
1:01:05
This has been a great date.
1:01:07
We've been focused on the date the entire time.
1:01:09
Never even tried to eat.
1:01:10
It's okay, Savannah.
1:01:11
Don't worry.
1:01:12
You're going to be fed.
1:01:13
We have Chef Boyardee Ravioli's in.
1:01:15
Chef Boyardee.
1:01:16
There you go.
1:01:17
That's what we do.
1:01:18
You have to do that before you eat.
1:01:20
Do you want to practice that real quick?
1:01:25
Let's do a round of that.
1:01:29
I have some Chef Boyardee Ravioli's right here.
1:01:32
Here you go.
1:01:33
Evan, here's some for you, Alan.
1:01:36
We don't have a can opener, so just go ahead and take that butter knife and start jamming
1:01:40
it into the top.
1:01:41
That'll get it open.
1:01:43
There you go.
1:01:44
Evan just tried to karate chop it.
1:01:46
His hand is most likely broken right now.
1:01:49
Evan, you need to use the knife.
1:01:51
This is not the first time I've...
1:01:53
Yeah, this is not the first time we've told him this.
1:01:56
Here we go.
1:01:57
I'm going to open it up.
1:01:58
Alan, go ahead and start us off.
1:01:59
Show us our chant that we do.
1:02:01
You give a little bit of Boyardee.
1:02:03
Yeah.
1:02:04
Evan, I know you're in a lot of pain because you tried to karate chop your Chef Boyardee
1:02:08
can opener.
1:02:09
Go ahead.
1:02:10
Shaka, shaka, shaka.
1:02:11
Boyardee.
1:02:12
You can add your own flavor to it.
1:02:14
That is true.
1:02:15
There's not a hard fast rule.
1:02:18
There's not.
1:02:19
And here's mine.
1:02:20
Mine is Bing Bong Boyardee.
1:02:21
All right, Savannah, it's your turn.
1:02:51
Yeah, put your own flavor on it.
1:02:52
Just give it a whirl.
1:02:53
Yep.
1:02:54
This is my first time doing this.
1:02:55
It's okay.
1:02:56
We understand.
1:02:57
We will judge you harshly, but we understand.
1:02:59
Obviously.
1:03:00
First of all, I don't think I got my own can.
1:03:02
Oh, here you go.
1:03:03
It's a half open.
1:03:04
Is that a pecan?
1:03:05
Oh.
1:03:06
That's my bad.
1:03:07
That's my bad.
1:03:08
So embarrassing.
1:03:09
Yeah.
1:03:10
We don't...
1:03:11
There's no way to tell the difference.
1:03:12
We resale the pecans.
1:03:13
You don't know until you open it.
1:03:14
Yeah.
1:03:15
So here you go.
1:03:16
Here you go.
1:03:17
I think this is a Chef Boyardee can here.
1:03:19
So go ahead and open that.
1:03:21
All right.
1:03:22
There you go.
1:03:23
That was a solid way to open that can there.
1:03:24
Savannah, thank you for doing that.
1:03:25
It's like a natural.
1:03:26
Yep.
1:03:27
Chef Boyardee.
1:03:28
Nice.
1:03:29
Yeah, that was pretty good.
1:03:30
Okay.
1:03:31
See that?
1:03:32
I'll have to workshop.
1:03:33
Yeah, you'll have to workshop it, but I think you're really settling into our lifestyle.
1:03:37
I think it's the Stockholm Syndrome.
1:03:39
It is.
1:03:40
It's been about an hour.
1:03:41
It has easily been about an hour.
1:03:43
So you're setting in.
1:03:44
So let's go ahead, to-do list, remove all the cans, everything from the van, reset,
1:03:50
go pick up her stuff, chop the back legs off her dog.
1:03:53
Okay.
1:03:54
And get all your stuff, get your blankets, get your money, which is that's your biggest
1:03:59
contribution to us.
1:04:00
And let's go.
1:04:02
Grab your silverware, grab your pecan or fil-
1:04:04
All right.
1:04:05
The manager's coming over here.
1:04:06
We got to run.
1:04:07
We got to run.
1:04:08
Go.
1:04:09
Fold the door.
1:04:10
We have to go.
1:04:11
We have to go now.
1:04:12
Grab the rolls.
1:04:13
Yep.
1:04:14
Move it.