Latest / Questionable Detour / Biting the legs of prisoners, spooning strangers, and FUNerals

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Biting the legs of prisoners, spooning strangers, and FUNerals · Questionable Detour

• 0:00
  Excuse me, what is going on here?
• 0:04
  But first we're gonna make a little detour.
• 0:09
  So absurd, so questionable.
• 0:12
  I guess we're just the weirdos.
• 0:15
  Expect the detour.
• 0:17
  I slept in this. So I've been in a severe depression, I think is what people call it, since about tip off last night when the game started.
• 0:36
  Oh, your depression just started last night?
• 0:37
  Yeah.
• 0:38
  What's been wrong with you for the past couple years?
• 0:41
  So I like to call that the polarity of the earth is changing and it's pulling the magnets in my body different ways.
• 0:51
  So we ask, Alan, should we ask why he has magnets in his body?
• 0:54
  I think it's the only logical question.
• 0:56
  Hey, Evan, why do you have magnets in your body?
• 0:59
  When I was 13, I swallowed three magnets. One, I tried to put them in each corner of my body.
• 1:08
  Your body has corners?
• 1:09
  Yeah.
• 1:10
  He does have an interesting build. He looks like an Amazon box.
• 1:14
  Yes. So I was born using the Pythagorean theorem.
• 1:18
  Which is interesting because I'm sorry to cut you off, but I need to point something out.
• 1:22
  He claims he has corners, four of them, yet he only uses three magnets. Did you miscount magnets? Why couldn't you fill all corners of your body?
• 1:32
  So I had four, I ate three.
• 1:34
  I hate to cut you off again.
• 1:36
  I mean, he could be built like a triangle pyramid, triangle bottomed pyramid, you know?
• 1:44
  That's a good point. I guess there are other shapes other than a square.
• 1:47
  Yeah.
• 1:48
  That's my fault.
• 1:49
  I guess the real reason is that when I swallowed these magnets, my body wasn't this shape.
• 1:55
  I swallowed them trying to make it a perfect shape because you look around and you look at all these male body standards that society is throwing out there.
• 2:04
  I wanted them to fit into that mold. And what better way to do that than magnets just pulling my body in three different directions, trying to fashion my bones and my internal organs into a sort of pyramid that the ancient Egyptians most likely built.
• 2:21
  But also people may wonder, oh, is his body made from aliens?
• 2:25
  Yeah.
• 2:26
  So that's what I went for.
• 2:28
  Oh, okay.
• 2:29
  Yeah.
• 2:30
  Now it looks painful.
• 2:31
  It used to be.
• 2:32
  Oh, you've gotten over it?
• 2:33
  My body's just numb now. The magnets have ripped through my nerves.
• 2:37
  Now, when a car drives by you, what happens?
• 2:42
  What happens when a car drives by you?
• 2:44
  So you've seen people walking dogs that don't walk well on the leash, right?
• 2:49
  Yes.
• 2:50
  And they kind of just jerk out and, you know, make abrasive movements towards the road sometimes.
• 2:56
  It's a lot similar to that. So my wife has to tie a collar around my neck and kind of just put me on a leash to make sure I don't get thrown asunder into the road.
• 3:07
  My thing is you have your full of magnets, a car drives by you, maybe a little close, you attach yourself in a car and now you just have a collar wrapped around your neck.
• 3:16
  Does that seem it seems dangerous? It seems a little dangerous.
• 3:19
  Yeah. Yeah.
• 3:20
  I've been to the doctor a couple times.
• 3:23
  You're in the shape of a pyramid and your neck is at least one foot longer than it should be.
• 3:28
  Yeah. I know that this is an audio medium, but if anybody out there is listening and wants to draw a picture so that we can see of Evan's body pyramid shaped with somewhat of a giraffe neck, include the magnets, send it to us.
• 3:45
  It's like it's like a police sketch. We're like, this is what the guy looked like.
• 3:50
  He looked like the Egyptian pyramid, but also a wacky, infallible tube man.
• 3:56
  He's out in front of a car dealership advertising a sale.
• 4:00
  He looked like something out of a Seuss book.
• 4:04
  But your muscles in your neck and your bones in your neck have given out. So you're just kind of a limp neck just kind of bouncing around. You're looking at the floor right now.
• 4:16
  Yeah. When I try to, I haven't seen the sun in at least, I don't know, six years since the last time my neck was straight and the muscles could hold themselves up.
• 4:25
  I haven't looked upwards towards the sky. I haven't seen the face of God in.
• 4:31
  I think God says heaven because he's afraid of what he made.
• 4:36
  That is likely.
• 4:37
  Is anything happened to your legs? I mean, we're working our way down the body here. We've neck, you know, body. Anything weird about your legs that you've altered?
• 4:46
  Well, no, I mean, they've had to hold up a pyramid and long neck giraffe like neck for years now.
• 4:53
  So they are just not very long, but they are muscular. They are.
• 4:57
  The calves are just booming. They exploded.
• 5:01
  Booming. Yes.
• 5:03
  Did you put C4 on your calves? Why are they exploding?
• 5:06
  Just from the sheer weight of gravity.
• 5:09
  Yeah. So anything with your arms?
• 5:13
  I don't think so.
• 5:15
  I feel like you know.
• 5:17
  I think they're pretty normal.
• 5:19
  Well, for those that can't see, he's saying, I don't think so because he has no arms.
• 5:24
  How could he possibly have anything wrong with his arms if they don't exist?
• 5:28
  A couple of empty sockets.
• 5:30
  What's the problem?
• 5:32
  He's attached a fork from his shoulder on one side and just a water hose on the other.
• 5:39
  You got to eat and drink. You got to eat and drink.
• 5:45
  You're a very, you're a very silly, goofy looking guy.
• 5:47
  Yeah, thank you. Thank you.
• 5:49
  Yeah.
• 5:50
  Well, I'm glad you're still alive. Welcome to Questionable Detour. Let's do some hypotheticals.
• 5:56
  Dave, can I pose a somewhat abstract, purely hypothetical question?
• 6:01
  I guess I want to apologize for asking a hypothetical question.
• 6:04
  Well, that's a hypothetical question.
• 6:07
  Alright, so boys, for our first hypothetical up today, we got, if you're going to jail, which I don't know, does that seem likely?
• 6:14
  I'm becoming more and more criminal, I think.
• 6:18
  You think so?
• 6:19
  So it's inevitable that I'm going to be behind bars.
• 6:21
  Alan, what do you feel about your prospects?
• 6:23
  Yeah, I'm thinking it's looking good.
• 6:26
  I'm hoping for an easy minimum security, but based off, I think, our track record, that's not going to happen.
• 6:34
  Yeah, most likely not. Yeah, I'm in the same boat. I think it's pretty likely any day now SWAT teams are going to roll through here.
• 6:40
  But until then, we can think about and prepare for when we do get to jail.
• 6:44
  What's the first thing y'all are going to do once we do get there?
• 6:46
  I think my first move, sort of after coming through those big doors, the clanking of the bars behind me as I'm thrust into general population,
• 6:55
  my first move is to get down on all fours and bite someone.
• 7:03
  That's your first move?
• 7:04
  That is my first move.
• 7:06
  It has to be on all fours.
• 7:07
  It has to be on all fours.
• 7:08
  Really assert, I don't know if that's dominance or I think it's virility.
• 7:13
  Well, I think it works both ways. I see that as a dominance move.
• 7:19
  I'm asserting dominance among my other inmates and I think it might also, once they see the respect that I get,
• 7:28
  some of the others might think, well, that seems like a pretty good idea. It worked for him.
• 7:32
  What if it works for me?
• 7:34
  What if I can follow in his four evenly spaced footsteps?
• 7:38
  Maybe I start some sort of a prison gang of just feral inmates, just nomins.
• 7:52
  Just foaming at the mouth.
• 7:54
  Oh yeah.
• 7:59
  I want to go back to when you first entered.
• 8:02
  Do you give any warning or is it just pretty much you get into gym pop?
• 8:07
  That's what they say in the jail biz, gym pop.
• 8:10
  We've been brushing up on our lingo.
• 8:11
  General population, you just immediately get down.
• 8:14
  That door shuts to where the guards can no longer protect those poor, not innocent,
• 8:20
  those poor, guilty people in there and you just go to town like a raccoon.
• 8:26
  Let me ask you this.
• 8:27
  When you're in charge, do you have to tell other people what you're about to do?
• 8:31
  Do you ask them, do you sit them down and say, hey, is it okay if I do this?
• 8:36
  I think I'm thinking about doing.
• 8:38
  No, you don't.
• 8:39
  You immediately, immediately do it.
• 8:41
  No warning.
• 8:42
  The guards scared.
• 8:43
  The inmates are scared.
• 8:46
  So it's like you're like walking in and you're like this nice, just like easygoing conversational guy.
• 8:52
  You're talking to the guards like, oh, hey, how's your day going?
• 8:55
  And then as soon as that lock latches on the door, you just switch flips and you are just in a rabid state.
• 9:04
  Do you have a favorite place you like to buy?
• 9:07
  Well, it depends on the height of the person.
• 9:09
  Okay.
• 9:10
  If they're short and I can sort of get to the top half easier because I am on all fours, I'll go for that.
• 9:16
  But if they're they're tall, I've kind of just going for the calf.
• 9:21
  Now, let me ask you about your all four situation here.
• 9:24
  Now, some people can mince what they mean about all fours.
• 9:27
  Is that all fours where your feet are still on the ground or are you hands and knees, hands and knees or hands and feet?
• 9:33
  Almost like you're crawling. Yeah, that's a great question.
• 9:36
  To really paint the picture, it's it's hands and knees.
• 9:39
  And then my from the knee to the foot is just tucked up in the air as I crawl.
• 9:48
  But you're faster than anyone running on two feet, right?
• 9:51
  Well, when you practice as much as I do, I mean, you're like shot out of a cannon once you hit your knees.
• 9:57
  That's right. That's right.
• 9:58
  Do you have a little danger signs written on the bottom of your feet?
• 10:03
  Do you run around?
• 10:05
  It's like when you're following a dump truck and it says, stay at least this many feet behind.
• 10:10
  That's what the bottom of my foot says.
• 10:14
  Now, are you the type to like almost like a snake where you bite and let go or are you more of a rabid dog type?
• 10:20
  You bite, latch on and just kind of like hold on to them.
• 10:23
  I'd say rabid dog type.
• 10:25
  I'm trying to I'm trying to leave a no pun intended, leave a mark.
• 10:30
  We make a good impression.
• 10:33
  And I think that biting and leaving doesn't make the impression that I want to that I want to give to these people.
• 10:40
  I want them to know that I won't be around. You're committed.
• 10:43
  You know, I'm I'm committed. I'm not going anywhere.
• 10:46
  It's you imagine. Could you imagine the guard leaving me like, and then him coming back and it's just a bunch of hardened criminals tattooed,
• 10:54
  you know, in a corner, just cowering in fear.
• 10:59
  Is Alan sitting on top one of those jail tables, just growling and coming in the mouth.
• 11:05
  They just have little bite marks all over.
• 11:08
  They're warriors. Those are those are battlescars, you know.
• 11:13
  And so you said you form a gang of these rabid dogs.
• 11:16
  What's your gang called? We're called the do bad dogs.
• 11:20
  Do bad dogs. We're all in jail. We've all done bad things and we're crawling around on all fours like a couple of feral dogs.
• 11:27
  I mean, we're the do bad dogs.
• 11:30
  You have cool leather jackets with that written on the back.
• 11:32
  We have the standard government issued prison uniforms.
• 11:37
  We just cut the sleeves off.
• 11:41
  For the general fear of what happens in prison, you know, you drop the soap.
• 11:46
  That fear, we know that fear. I don't think you're going to have an issue with that.
• 11:50
  Nobody. You can drop the soap. Nobody's messing with you if you're biting.
• 11:54
  Well, I mean, we're dropping the soap. We're already on all fours.
• 11:57
  We're close. We're closer to the ground to pick up the soap than any of the other inmates.
• 12:01
  We have the leg up. At what point do you start evolving where you no longer use your hands?
• 12:05
  You just use your use your mouth for everything.
• 12:08
  That's a great question. I would probably say, you know, three or four days.
• 12:13
  It's very quick.
• 12:17
  Now, do you get time passes differently in jail?
• 12:21
  Evolution happens faster.
• 12:25
  All right. What else is that? You just biting people?
• 12:28
  I mean, I don't need to do anything. No, no, I think that is enough.
• 12:32
  I think it's just biting people. The do bad dogs.
• 12:37
  Look for us in your in your next trip to the penitentiary
• 12:42
  for when your local jail cell. I know we're kind of wrapping your answer up, but I do have a question now that
• 12:47
  how do you get into the do bad dogs? You have to bite somebody first. Is it what initiation happens?
• 12:51
  You get. Well, you have to draw first blood. OK.
• 12:55
  So like the movie with the Vester Sloan. No, in that movie, they drew first blood. OK.
• 13:02
  And is that with a sketch pad and pen or is that more of a watercolor situation?
• 13:08
  I see where you're going to actually you have to draw a picture of someone drawing first blood.
• 13:12
  Oh, OK. OK, that makes sense. And then you're really drawing, drawing first blood.
• 13:17
  You're drawing first blood, drawing first blood. That's right.
• 13:23
  All right, Evan, what are you doing? What are you doing when you get to prison?
• 13:26
  I think I'm immediately just I'm just going to crawl in a fetal position and cry.
• 13:32
  Very tough. That's very tough. Well, you want to show how vulnerable you are.
• 13:37
  You want to see how emotionally available you are so they can come up to you.
• 13:40
  They can comfort you because you know how hardened criminals are.
• 13:45
  They always have a soft side. So and they go to the time.
• 13:49
  You see more of the hard side, though.
• 13:53
  Well, once you once you soften them up and you show them that you're vulnerable,
• 13:59
  they come over to comfort you and they'll show you that soft side.
• 14:02
  And that's when you immediately go into fight mode while they're been over you,
• 14:07
  bent over you hand on your back, just rubbing it saying it'll be OK.
• 14:11
  It's as bad as they say it is. And then you just go to town on their soft regions.
• 14:18
  And then no one no one's going to mess with you after that,
• 14:21
  because they know they never know what you're going to do next.
• 14:23
  You're unpredictable at that point.
• 14:26
  That's how you keep the criminals away from you.
• 14:28
  So do you go back into the fetal position after that's done?
• 14:31
  Yeah. Anytime anyone's near you, you feel position straight up. OK.
• 14:35
  And then any time anyone gets near you, you're like a snake.
• 14:37
  You just got to attack. I like it.
• 14:41
  Just one quick punch and you're back in the fetal position.
• 14:44
  It seems a little unhinged. That's how you that's how you win prison.
• 14:48
  Who's the most unhinged? Who's the most unpredictable?
• 14:51
  Now, are you are you a good crier? Like, is it convincing?
• 14:56
  My mother said I was always a good crier up until the age of 23.
• 15:00
  Until she was like, that's starting to get a little unconvincing,
• 15:04
  because you've been doing this for 23 and a half years.
• 15:07
  You also punch her when she got close to you. Yeah.
• 15:10
  Well, you've been employing this tactic as long as I can remember.
• 15:13
  It started when I was nursing as a child and you specified.
• 15:20
  How old was this thing in 13?
• 15:22
  And I would just wait.
• 15:27
  You just started nursing when you were 13.
• 15:29
  Yeah. What did you do for the first 13?
• 15:31
  Eight grub worms.
• 15:34
  A lot of grub worms, a lot of mites.
• 15:38
  I understand now why you're completely unhinged.
• 15:42
  You go to prison, you cry and punch people.
• 15:45
  Consider me unhinged. Seems appropriate for my situation.
• 15:48
  I guess it does. I guess I guess you do have an excuse.
• 15:51
  Yeah, you got to employ the context of the situation.
• 15:54
  I'm going to take that as consideration. Were you denied nursing until you were 13
• 15:59
  and forced to eat mealworms and grub worms and the like?
• 16:03
  It's more of a personal choice.
• 16:05
  You made personal choices as a baby? Yeah.
• 16:08
  Don't be all, you know, you come out screaming.
• 16:11
  You don't want milk. You want something a little soft and chewy,
• 16:14
  has a little juice to it. That's a grub worm for you.
• 16:17
  OK. You don't have teeth. How are you going to how are you going to, you know,
• 16:20
  eat something solid? How did you explain?
• 16:23
  Hold on, hold on. Do you think milk is solid?
• 16:32
  When I started nursing, it was on frozen milk, solid blocks of milk,
• 16:38
  and I had to eat it as an ice cube.
• 16:41
  Basically eating a stick of butter. Yeah.
• 16:44
  A big old block of cheese.
• 16:48
  Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 16:50
  Actually, I would put it in the ice maker like I would.
• 16:53
  I would turn off my ice maker in my fridge and put blocks of frozen milk in there.
• 16:57
  And so whenever I went to get water, I would just put, you know,
• 17:00
  a couple of milk cubes in there and take that down.
• 17:04
  So what are you going to do when you get to prison and there's only a limited
• 17:08
  supply of milk there? It's going to be a lot more crying.
• 17:11
  Yeah. No. Yeah.
• 17:13
  A lot of tears and the crying that you did in the fetal position will be real tears.
• 17:18
  I'm sure some will. I mean, you know, you're in a tough position when you're in prison.
• 17:23
  You're up against the odds. No one believes in you.
• 17:26
  No one believes that you can get milk. But that's my first request, you know,
• 17:30
  to bring in from from visitations and whatnot is just a solid block of milk.
• 17:35
  And, you know, I'll store that under my pillow and I'll sit on it and nurse it
• 17:40
  like a mother hen. And then when it when it gets time to harvest that milk,
• 17:44
  I will shove it down my gullet.
• 17:46
  And did you say you already had this milk in or do you have to smuggle it in?
• 17:51
  I have to get smuggled in from the outside. I don't store that inside.
• 17:55
  You smuggle in milk. It's part of a gang system.
• 17:58
  That's good. Good to know. Yeah. It's good to be.
• 18:00
  It's good to be in the gang. They protect you. Yeah, they protect you.
• 18:03
  But they also set you up where they can get somebody sent into jail
• 18:07
  with just a set of milk hidden in their stomach.
• 18:11
  And then once they get in, they just toss it up like a mother hen,
• 18:15
  like a mother bird. OK, to me.
• 18:19
  So they feed you like a penguin does their young. Yeah.
• 18:21
  It's a lot of. Ha ha ha ha.
• 18:24
  And I'm just like, been underneath them like. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
• 18:31
  So if I may summarize, Evan, he's in the shape of a pyramid.
• 18:37
  Long, weird neck goes to jail, cries and then punches people that try to console him
• 18:43
  and then eats milk that is thrown up by an inmate that has smuggled it in.
• 18:50
  Yeah, that's about it.
• 18:53
  Well, your people on the outside really love you
• 18:55
  if they're willing to send someone to jail with milk in their stomach
• 18:59
  just to provide you with some sustenance.
• 19:02
  They see somebody go. I have a great support group.
• 19:04
  They see somebody go in the gym like, how much milk can you drink?
• 19:08
  Got a guy on the inside.
• 19:09
  Do you want to tell everybody what you may went to jail for?
• 19:12
  So what I did is I duct tape a bunch of cows together and I tried to ride them
• 19:17
  much like Santa would hook a reindeer to the front of a sleigh.
• 19:23
  I did that with cows and an 18 wheeler.
• 19:27
  Geez. Fully on duct tape.
• 19:30
  And I tried to run them down the major intersections here.
• 19:34
  And not only did they not make it through. Yeah.
• 19:37
  Yeah. Let's just say most people went home with some beef that night,
• 19:41
  some fresh beef. I had beef with you because of the situation.
• 19:45
  Yeah. That is also a little bit of fresh beef with me.
• 19:49
  So now was the were you driving the truck and you just mowed over the cows
• 19:54
  or the cows pulling a truck? Did you just tape a bunch of cows
• 19:57
  to the front of your truck and you just drove over them?
• 20:00
  Well, the problem is cows don't know like stop signs or which I thought,
• 20:05
  hey, maybe a cow knows what a stop light looks like.
• 20:08
  It's a pretty common sign around town.
• 20:11
  They've seen them before, probably if they live near a stop light.
• 20:15
  I mean, cows go in trailers all the time. Yeah, exactly.
• 20:18
  You would think they would know when they're stopped.
• 20:20
  Yeah, you got to stop whenever you have to.
• 20:22
  And apparently they tricked me because they did not know how to stop.
• 20:26
  The cop pulls up now. He's like, what? This is what this is what Santa does.
• 20:31
  Why is this an issue? I saw it in so many movies.
• 20:34
  Cows litter the street, blood all over your 18 wheeler that you just have.
• 20:39
  Yeah. Yeah. There's nothing in it.
• 20:42
  I just kind of ride it around. It's my daily. Yeah.
• 20:45
  So that's just your end goal. Yeah.
• 20:48
  I got to get to work.
• 20:49
  Yeah, kind of. I got to get somewhere. They weren't my cows, by the way.
• 20:52
  That's the main reason I'm going to jail.
• 20:55
  But yeah, I mean, you know, you do what you got to do to get around town.
• 20:58
  You know, there's no public transportation around here.
• 21:01
  All right. Our next hypothetical, we've talked about death before on the podcast.
• 21:05
  We've expressed the inevitability of it.
• 21:08
  Eventually, when we do die, what are y'all's funeral?
• 21:11
  What's funeral going to be like?
• 21:12
  I plan for mine to be entirely pirate themed. Nice.
• 21:17
  I want the Pirates of the Caribbean theme song playing from the time my casket is brought out
• 21:23
  to the time I'm put into the ground.
• 21:25
  And I want them. I want it to open casket.
• 21:28
  And I want it to be me embalmed. Sure.
• 21:31
  But I don't want to be in a suit. I don't want to look like some businessman, some dignitary.
• 21:36
  I want to be dressed as Jack Sparrow. Yeah, absolutely.
• 21:39
  Dreadlocks and all. I want pirate hat.
• 21:42
  I want the full Jack Sparrow outfit.
• 21:45
  Now, do they sever your leg and put a peg leg on, even if you had both legs going into into death?
• 21:50
  Not mine, but as a requirement for the funeral, anyone who attends does have to wear a peg leg.
• 21:57
  They don't necessarily have to have their leg taken off and have it replaced, but they have like, you know, walk with their their leg back.
• 22:04
  Yeah, that's on their knee. Yeah. Yeah.
• 22:07
  So that everyone walking around will be on a peg leg and carrying a one shot pistol.
• 22:14
  And they will also have a sword attached to their hip as well for any any impending sword fights that need to happen.
• 22:23
  Will there be sword fights? There will be.
• 22:25
  Will there be more funerals because of your funeral? I'm hoping so.
• 22:28
  Instead of reading reading words when they're when they're saying they're they're the few words about me,
• 22:36
  instead of doing that, two people will have to fight in order to see who gets to speak upon my great namesake.
• 22:44
  And whoever loses, it will be a fight to the death.
• 22:48
  So you think there's going to be enough people to say good words about you that they'll have to fight each other?
• 22:54
  It's just going to be your mom up there just like with a sword.
• 22:59
  It'll be my mom and my dad fighting each other to say one thing.
• 23:03
  Do they have to walk out on a plank above your body? They say to say the nice words about you.
• 23:08
  Yeah. And then whenever whenever they they get done, my casket will be in a floating pool of water.
• 23:16
  So whenever they get done, they will have their hands and their feet tied
• 23:20
  and they will be pushed from the plank into the water and they will have to try to swim out if they can.
• 23:26
  Now, to keep with the pirate theme of your death, do you put a dead parrot in there with you kind of on your shoulder?
• 23:34
  Yeah, yeah. And obviously it'll I'll have a plaque there that I'll say this was my lifelong friend and companion, Peter Squakkington.
• 23:43
  But I've never had a bird in my life. It was all show. He was just there for the funeral.
• 23:49
  So they had to kill a bird. Yeah. Yeah. To put in the casket with you. I commissioned it.
• 23:54
  They went to Petco and they're like, is this one work? It's just a sparrow. Yeah.
• 23:59
  They just shot one out back with a shotgun.
• 24:03
  Like, yeah, he's dead. He's like another difference.
• 24:07
  It's like he was a real pirate anyway. It's another.
• 24:11
  So is this done on a boat in the open water? OK. I mean, I don't see why not.
• 24:16
  That's pretty cool. Seems like a good seems like a logical and OK.
• 24:20
  So is it a wooden recreation of a pirate ship or is it a pontoon boat? It's a cruise ship.
• 24:27
  Did you do it on a cruise ship? Families enjoying their vacation. Yeah.
• 24:32
  You just have like a funeral. Yeah, it's on the cruise ship.
• 24:35
  They're like, we'll have the shuffleboard tournament at three at three thirty.
• 24:40
  The house family pirate themed funeral.
• 24:45
  We'll be laying to rest in the house in the seas.
• 24:49
  They shove you overboard to bury you like Osama bin Laden.
• 24:54
  They drive over Mary on his trench and they try to get me as deep down in that baby as possible.
• 24:59
  They tie a couple of bricks to your legs.
• 25:02
  I've got to get rid of this guy.
• 25:05
  Do they take the single shot pistols and fire a couple into the coffin just to make sure you're dead?
• 25:12
  That is the end of the funeral is there a little bit more.
• 25:18
  Make sure this guy's dead. You see what he did in prison?
• 25:24
  A weird milk fish.
• 25:28
  And this is a Disney cruise.
• 25:30
  So you got to make sure these kids don't see that the bricks attached to his leg and they dump them off the side.
• 25:36
  But the bricks get attached to one of the portholes.
• 25:39
  They just have a body swinging around and bouncing off the ship.
• 25:46
  Just family in one of the porthole windows just looking at your dead face, degrading the casket every time it hits the side.
• 25:54
  So like more and more of my body is just like sliding out of the casket.
• 25:58
  Eventually, I'm just hanging on by one arm, just like slamming into the side of the cruise ship.
• 26:03
  Bleeding from all the pistol shots that your family unloaded.
• 26:15
  I would 100 percent come to this.
• 26:19
  It would show up so fast.
• 26:24
  The Pirates of the Caribbean theme songs playing in the background where you just bounce off the side of the ship.
• 26:30
  I put a speaker in my casket so it's like always playing near me.
• 26:34
  But they turned it off upstairs.
• 26:36
  But like you just walk past the porthole and you hear...
• 26:42
  And you hear...
• 26:44
  Smack, smack, smack.
• 26:49
  Very fun funeral. You put the fun in funeral.
• 26:55
  All right, Alan, how are people celebrating your life?
• 26:58
  I think people are... I would like people to celebrate my life in a Scholastic Book Fair themed funeral.
• 27:08
  Like when you're in elementary school. That's the one.
• 27:10
  You know. You take it on the class to go buy some books.
• 27:12
  Yeah. How does that play out in a funeral?
• 27:14
  When I die, I want that my information, my eulogy to be not put in a newspaper, not put online,
• 27:21
  to be put in the Scholastic Book Fair pamphlet that you hand out a week before the fair comes to your local library.
• 27:28
  I want them to be looking through. They're like, oh, OK, that's cool.
• 27:30
  Little house on the prairie. Oh, a dead guy.
• 27:35
  Oh, they have the race car drawing book.
• 27:38
  Oh, I love this book about dinosaurs and also Alan die?
• 27:45
  No, not on that page. Over there on the other next to the sports racers.
• 27:50
  Now, is this because you can't get anybody to come to your funeral? So you have to almost advertise it?
• 27:54
  I want... Why do you just want kids to come?
• 27:57
  Well, everybody's going to be allowed to, but the kids are going to be required.
• 28:02
  It's catered towards the children.
• 28:06
  So what I'm doing, and I'm basically co-opting the book fair, I want them to roll me in in one of those
• 28:11
  expandable metal shelves on wheels that they keep the books in. That's going to be my casket.
• 28:17
  So they're going to roll me into the library. My friends and family be gathered around.
• 28:22
  But I want to do it to promote literacy.
• 28:26
  I didn't promote it enough when I was alive.
• 28:32
  So I think that I think I should do a little bit more about it in my in my death and death and funeral.
• 28:39
  So has Rigor Mortis set in? So when they finally open this casket, you just clamped onto a book
• 28:45
  all white eyed and mouth open. That's correct.
• 28:49
  What book are you reading in your death? For eternity, you know, for eternity.
• 28:54
  Probably the Farmers Almanac, right? For 1982, before you were alive.
• 28:59
  Not a relevant Farmers Almanac. It's a very old one. The 1982 Farmers Almanac.
• 29:07
  But most people say that's the best one. I hear it was a great year.
• 29:14
  Now, can these people buy you like out of the book fair?
• 29:18
  No, no, I mean, there's no problem. I'm a dead person, but I want them to be able to buy the books that I'm around on the shelf.
• 29:26
  You know, if they're like, reach over you, if they're coming in there, oh, look, a red wall.
• 29:33
  Let me move this dead guy's arm out of the way.
• 29:36
  But you can't because it's Rigor Mortis because Rigor Mortis is set in.
• 29:40
  They move it as cracks. They move the arm.
• 29:44
  The kids like, I really want that dinosaur book, but I don't want to go anywhere near the dead guy.
• 29:48
  Do you think they'd have like a like a like a specific section of books near you, like above you, above your casket?
• 29:56
  Like, I don't know, like like bones and all or like maybe anatomy books.
• 30:00
  Sort of the Halloween themed.
• 30:03
  The what's the what's the one about the something bones?
• 30:07
  The lovely bones, the lovely bones. Yes. Yes.
• 30:10
  That's the one I think. I think that's like sort of placed over top my head, like on your face.
• 30:16
  Yeah. Yeah. So that when they they come over and they're and they grab the lovely bones book off the shelf, then they just see my dead face.
• 30:24
  It's like a jump scare. Yeah.
• 30:28
  And do they get like a points and like, are you offering any kind of point system to kind of give them some money for this elastic book fair?
• 30:36
  Like if they read enough books, maybe they can have a finger or something, you know, when your fingers.
• 30:43
  What it is is it's if they whoever gets the most day or points accelerated reading for those of you who are not familiar, whoever has the most day or points,
• 30:52
  they get to at the end of the year, dig me back up and have me at their pizza party.
• 31:06
  They get the Ferris Bueller you for a whole day for a pizza party.
• 31:11
  That's incredible. Oh, that's that's incredible. That's a great.
• 31:15
  That's a great rewards program. They just dig me up and wheel me back.
• 31:18
  I mean, I'm buried in the scholastic rolling shelf anyway, so they just they dig me up and roll me into the school.
• 31:26
  Here's your prize, little Tim. And because the kids were at the book fair at the beginning of the year,
• 31:30
  they already sort of have a relationship with with, you know, me being at things to school.
• 31:35
  Yeah. So so when they see me, they're like, oh, this this guy again.
• 31:41
  Will you be the keynote speaker at their graduation? Will they roll you out to a mic like a Scott's Tot situation?
• 31:50
  Yeah. I I think it'd be great.
• 31:55
  You know how they have the the handicap lift on the side of the stages at graduation?
• 31:59
  Yeah. They roll my rolling metal shelf up to the lift.
• 32:03
  Oh, they just put you on one of those moving trucks.
• 32:06
  That's like what they call a moving dolly. Yeah.
• 32:11
  Yeah. They roll me in there like Hannibal Lecter.
• 32:15
  They just put you in the middle. And then as they're handing out diplomas, they have to shake your hand.
• 32:24
  And they keep walking across the stage.
• 32:29
  You have five minutes to speak. It's just you being like half skull, half face.
• 32:36
  No words come out of my mouth. But they but they give me the airtime, which is important.
• 32:41
  It's just quiet silence. Just you hear the random coughs happening out in the crowd.
• 32:45
  People call it reflective, you know.
• 32:49
  And thank you, Alan. And they just roll you off the side.
• 32:52
  People clap just partially throughout the crowd.
• 32:56
  OK, so Alan, one more question. Is this like a yearly thing?
• 33:00
  Like each new class that comes in, they they can dig you up at the end of the year.
• 33:05
  So it's like after a couple of years, it's like a time capsule basically.
• 33:09
  And they can see what life looked like in 2005 whenever you were buried or whatever, you know.
• 33:14
  Yeah. Do you know what year it is? I don't know when he died.
• 33:18
  At this point, at this point, they shouldn't be buried.
• 33:20
  They should put you in one of the trophy cases. That's right.
• 33:23
  You know, the entrance of the school. Yeah.
• 33:26
  What they what they do is it I am sort of a time capsule, if you will.
• 33:31
  They do bring they do bring me up at the end of the year.
• 33:33
  So each person has the most points.
• 33:35
  They bring me up for their party before they put me back.
• 33:38
  They each write a note to their future selves on me and the tattoo.
• 33:44
  And so that's kind of a way where we're promoting maybe a future career as a tattoo artist,
• 33:52
  but also something for the other people to see when they dig me up again next year.
• 33:56
  That's great. Well, that's very funny.
• 33:58
  All right, what's happening at your funeral? I want people to mourn.
• 34:02
  I lived a good life. I'm very likable person. I want more more.
• 34:05
  OK, but you said Mormon.
• 34:09
  I want people to marry multiple women at my funeral and worship some plates that some guy found in the woods about 200 years ago.
• 34:18
  That's cool. That's what I want at my funeral.
• 34:21
  So you want them to mourn men? I want them to mourn men.
• 34:24
  Mormon, you want more men at your funeral? More men.
• 34:27
  There's not enough men in my more men than women.
• 34:31
  I want it to be a gay Mormon service, basically.
• 34:36
  I didn't know they were OK with that. I don't know what they are.
• 34:39
  I know zero Mormons. I want to keep it that way.
• 34:44
  Yeah. Don't come at us if you're Mormon.
• 34:49
  We don't need you. We'll call you if we need extra plates.
• 34:53
  All right. For dinner. No, no, no, no.
• 34:57
  All that's fine. If that's there, that's fine.
• 34:59
  I want it to be normal, relatively suits, ties.
• 35:02
  And at the end, before they take me off to be buried, I want the pastor to drop a hint that there is a family fortune that anybody at this funeral is able to get if they are able to steal my body right then and there.
• 35:16
  So is it a hint or is he actually saying that there is a family fortune?
• 35:20
  He's blatantly saying it.
• 35:22
  He's blatantly saying it.
• 35:24
  Anybody that steals my body right the second gets the family fortune and the chaos because it's a large family fortune, the chaos that would ensue as people crawl over each other trying to grab my lifeless body and drag it out of the church would be spectacular.
• 35:41
  Like a rat race situation.
• 35:43
  That's right. Yeah.
• 35:44
  Exactly. Yeah. That's exactly what I was thinking.
• 35:46
  I think long as Evan and I aren't busy doing something, we'll probably be there.
• 35:49
  Yeah.
• 35:51
  I just want to go ahead and throw this out there while I said the other thing.
• 35:53
  It's more of a rat race.
• 35:55
  It's a rat race.
• 35:57
  Sorry, it was on the top of my head. I had to get it out there before it passed.
• 36:01
  Yeah, you got it.
• 36:02
  Go ahead, Alan. That's my bad.
• 36:04
  I would also like to bring up before Alan, why do y'all think I'm going to die first?
• 36:08
  You said if Evan and I aren't doing anything, we'll be there.
• 36:12
  So implying that my death will come first.
• 36:15
  Well, we've had some discussions that the way that you live your life is not conducive to living.
• 36:20
  Your days are numbered. Let's just put it that way. Your days are numbered.
• 36:26
  Okay.
• 36:27
  Well, let me bring up this question to y'all kind of back to the funeral.
• 36:30
  So y'all are there because I die first.
• 36:33
  How are y'all going to sell my body? What's your strategy?
• 36:35
  That's what I was going to ask. It's a family fortune.
• 36:37
  Is it open to friends and family to steal your body?
• 36:41
  It's anybody there.
• 36:42
  And to be in full transparency, it's going to be announced to the population that a family fortune can be had if you come to the funeral.
• 36:51
  Now, they don't know the stipulations of this, so it's going to be a packed house.
• 36:55
  And Evan, we can kind of workshop this now. I'd say it's pretty easy alliance.
• 36:59
  I would say between the two of us, we can split a fortune 50-50.
• 37:02
  We split, you know, we split many things 50-50. Burgers, toilets, jackets, shovels.
• 37:09
  Nobody else in the world. I'd go in and buy a shovel 50-50 with except for Evan.
• 37:15
  Does Evan get the side of the shovel that doesn't have the shovel?
• 37:20
  I have the spade side. His is just a stick.
• 37:23
  I thought we were splitting it down the middle. So it was like, it seems like y'all didn't get the same page about that.
• 37:28
  Yeah. Yeah. We got a lot to think about. We will need the shovel.
• 37:31
  If your body is being buried first before we have to steal it.
• 37:35
  Or is it like straight out of the no, it's sitting up at the front.
• 37:38
  Open casket. So I think, yeah, the easiest thing may just be to do what we do best and employ our jail tactics.
• 37:46
  I'll start crying. Your whole family will come console me.
• 37:49
  Your whole family, all your friends will be like, oh, this poor guy.
• 37:52
  He's so just broken, just broken and distraught from his friend laying in a well acquaintance living in laying in a laying in a casket.
• 38:03
  And as they approach me and console me, obviously I will attack immediately.
• 38:08
  They'll all be on the ground holding my grandmother at my funeral.
• 38:11
  One hundred percent in her soft parts.
• 38:17
  I would like you to know my grandma has no soft parts.
• 38:21
  She is not unlike a tortoise.
• 38:25
  That is my only weakness is if someone is a human tortoise.
• 38:29
  That's my only weakness. So then they have no soft sides.
• 38:31
  And Alan, obviously you can go straight feral.
• 38:34
  I think what I'll do is I'll go feral until I get to the casket and I will.
• 38:38
  I mean, I'll be on all fours.
• 38:39
  I'll bring a harness of sorts and attach myself to the casket and I'll just run with it like I'm a like I'm an old stagecoach or a sled dog.
• 38:52
  I'll distract the entire the entire thing with my thing that I have going on there.
• 38:57
  The crying and then a direct assault crying dramatically.
• 39:01
  And then whenever Alan harnesses himself to the casket and is driving it down like it's I did a rod, I will hop on the back of that and say, peace out losers.
• 39:11
  And my sled dog will gallop down the freeway.
• 39:15
  That's right. I like that. I like that a lot.
• 39:17
  So, Evan, tell me when you're when you're fighting the family members, who's going to be the toughest?
• 39:23
  That's a good question.
• 39:24
  Probably probably his mom, because that's kind of what I was.
• 39:27
  She's got a good fight back in her.
• 39:29
  She's got a little bit of like she'll come console me, but she won't take too much crap.
• 39:34
  You know, she's already wanting to stab you.
• 39:36
  So, yeah, yeah.
• 39:37
  I mean, at all times, I have to I have regularly have to go like, Mom, you need to put the knife back.
• 39:42
  Yeah. So I think that she won't trust me.
• 39:44
  She won't trust that I'm really sad and she'll already be in a defensive posture, protecting her soft parts.
• 39:50
  So I'll have to fight through that.
• 39:57
  I don't think Evan came to my funeral to get the fortune.
• 40:03
  I think he wanted to fight my family.
• 40:05
  It seems like there's a lot of existing anger against your family right now.
• 40:11
  We go way back.
• 40:13
  My mom does want to stab him.
• 40:15
  We go away.
• 40:17
  Wait till you see here. You talk about her soft parts.
• 40:23
  But all right.
• 40:25
  That was it. Funerals, boys.
• 40:27
  We're all going to die.
• 40:28
  Oh, great.
• 40:29
  Someday. Someday.
• 40:30
  What do we got?
• 40:31
  I'm a pirate. You're you're rat race.
• 40:34
  Yeah. More rat race.
• 40:35
  But also there is no fortune, by the way.
• 40:37
  I'm not rich.
• 40:38
  So I don't know if I should be telling you all that now because it might take away the incentive to show up.
• 40:44
  I don't think we'll be there.
• 40:45
  OK. No incentive.
• 40:48
  Really. No reason to unless it's on the way to wherever we're going.
• 40:53
  We're going to the movies and we just have thankfully.
• 40:57
  Thankfully, my funeral can be on the way.
• 40:59
  Yeah. Wherever you're going, it can move.
• 41:01
  OK. It's OK.
• 41:02
  You're like a traveling circus.
• 41:04
  And exactly what it is.
• 41:05
  Honestly, we're probably not in touch enough to even know when you do die.
• 41:08
  So it's kind of just we got to see the sign on the way to wherever we're going.
• 41:12
  And you know, like Zach Summers funeral.
• 41:14
  And we are only contractually obligated to speak to each other for a few hours on a Saturday.
• 41:18
  Yeah.
• 41:19
  Contractually.
• 41:20
  I didn't know y'all could speak English.
• 41:22
  Y'all leave my house outside of here.
• 41:24
  When I usually don't need to give you guys information, I go through my attorney who goes through your attorney.
• 41:33
  Yeah. Preparing for each week is a nightmare, honestly.
• 41:36
  It is a legal battle.
• 41:38
  You would you would think that we're purchasing, you know, corporations.
• 41:42
  Oil fields.
• 41:45
  My attorney was telling me it's similar to human slave trade cases he's worked.
• 41:52
  So I forgot that he went to school for that.
• 41:55
  He did. Yeah. He was a he's a big human slavery kind of guy.
• 41:59
  Well, against it. Right.
• 42:01
  What side is he on?
• 42:03
  Fighting for it.
• 42:07
  I don't really talk about that here.
• 42:12
  All right. Pirate funeral rat race funeral book fair funeral.
• 42:19
  Book fair funeral.
• 42:20
  All right. So that I guess that wraps up our hypothetical questions.
• 42:23
  So we came across some stuff in the news this week.
• 42:26
  I want to go over that real quick.
• 42:29
  We interrupt this program for a breaking news story.
• 42:32
  Breaking news.
• 42:34
  Hold on. This is breaking news.
• 42:37
  All right, Alan, speaking of you, it's always it's always always you.
• 42:41
  For some reason, that happens.
• 42:43
  I feel like we all do weird things.
• 42:46
  You just seem to do it more publicly.
• 42:48
  We don't do it with reporters.
• 42:50
  I guess.
• 42:51
  So this first this first little news story is actually about Alan.
• 42:55
  And it reads like this.
• 42:57
  In an unusual turn of events, a local man named Alan has been spotted
• 43:00
  selling some strange items on the streets of town.
• 43:03
  Eyewitnesses report that Alan has been setting up a makeshift market
• 43:06
  on a busy street corner, selling all sorts of odd and unusual items.
• 43:10
  Some of the items he's been peddling include a collection of antique spoons,
• 43:14
  a box of expired canned goods, and a set of old license plates from around the world.
• 43:19
  I don't actually I'm actually want one of those.
• 43:22
  Many people passing by the market have stopped to take a closer look.
• 43:25
  Some out of sheer curiosity and others out of a genuine interest in the items for sale.
• 43:30
  However, most seem to be a bit wary of what they're seeing.
• 43:33
  When asked about the origin of these items, Alan simply replied that he had acquired them
• 43:38
  through various means over the years and was now looking to sell them off to make some extra cash.
• 43:43
  While there's nothing inherently illegal about selling unusual items,
• 43:46
  some residents are concerned that the quality and safety of the items might not be up to par.
• 43:50
  Authorities have not taken any action yet, but some are suggesting that they may investigate further
• 43:54
  if Alan continues to sell these strange and questionable items.
• 43:58
  Despite the concerns, Alan seems to be enjoying his new role as a vendor,
• 44:01
  and he's already planning to expand his selection of items in the coming weeks.
• 44:05
  It remains to be seen if people of the town will continue to embrace his unique approach to commerce
• 44:10
  or if he will face backlash and legal consequences for his strange enterprise.
• 44:14
  Now, Alan did show up with a horse drawn cart with just various items just hanging and dangling from the cart.
• 44:22
  So that makes sense with it answers a question that I had.
• 44:25
  It was really loud, like a lot of clattering and something like a lot of metal.
• 44:31
  I come in here strapped with with knapsacks, my various odds and ends inside them.
• 44:38
  I'd like to address kind of the story that just broke.
• 44:43
  And the townsfolk that are wary of, I guess, what I'm selling and my motivations.
• 44:54
  There's nothing inherently wrong with what I'm doing.
• 44:58
  I'm giving you goods and not really services.
• 45:02
  I'm giving you goods and they're good goods, you know?
• 45:07
  And I guess people are sort of wondering kind of where things came from.
• 45:11
  I can't say that all of these have been acquired through legal means, but they've all got a story behind them.
• 45:18
  So like, let's take, for instance, the spoons.
• 45:21
  You have a lot of spoons.
• 45:23
  I have a lot of them. That's what a lot of the clanking is.
• 45:27
  Loose spoons.
• 45:29
  Yeah, yeah, loose spoons.
• 45:31
  So for a stretch of time during the summer of 83, I became somewhat of a bandit in the city of Wichita.
• 45:43
  And they called me the Wichita Spooner.
• 45:48
  But not because of the the eating utensils.
• 45:53
  Because you sneak into people's beds and give them a warm embrace from behind.
• 45:58
  What I would do is I would sneak into someone's bed, give them a warm embrace.
• 46:03
  When I leave, I steal a spoon and I replace it with a plastic spoon.
• 46:09
  You devil.
• 46:11
  So Wichita police, I think everyone on the case is probably retired by now.
• 46:16
  So I think it's OK to say this.
• 46:19
  They had no idea who I was. They couldn't track me down.
• 46:22
  They were scratching their heads and just couldn't figure it out.
• 46:26
  Were they scratching your head because you gave them lice?
• 46:29
  That was in one of my one of the things that I have is lice.
• 46:33
  Just got a jar of lice.
• 46:35
  When you crawled into bed to spoon them, you just released some lice.
• 46:38
  I stole spoons from the police department's homes.
• 46:42
  I should have I should have specified that the chief of police, old chief McAnally.
• 46:49
  Of the Wichita McAnallis.
• 46:52
  I snuck into his house.
• 46:54
  Generous family. Generous family.
• 46:56
  We love them if they're listening.
• 46:58
  I gave him a warm embrace.
• 47:00
  He's embracing his wife as I'm embracing him.
• 47:05
  Real spoon train going on.
• 47:08
  Yeah.
• 47:11
  So I sneak into his into his kitchen, take his spoons,
• 47:15
  replace him with a bag of just cheap disposable plastic spoons.
• 47:19
  Man, what do you think the statute of limitations on B&E spooning and then spoon theft is?
• 47:24
  I was wondering, I think that's why he's so transparent now is because I assume the statute of limitations is over.
• 47:31
  Like you can talk about those crimes from 83, you said?
• 47:34
  The summer of 83.
• 47:36
  Now we're not going to do the math.
• 47:37
  Stretch from May to September.
• 47:38
  We're not going to do the math saying you're 28 years old.
• 47:41
  That's what I look like.
• 47:45
  The years of crime have been very good to you.
• 47:48
  They do say crime pays.
• 47:52
  So I guess moving on to the next one of the next things that are considered, I guess, a problem item of my merchandise, the expired canned goods.
• 48:01
  People say that that's weird that I'm selling those.
• 48:03
  And maybe it is.
• 48:05
  But what they don't understand is what I've done to acquire them.
• 48:08
  So all of my items, by the way, I should probably say are jarred.
• 48:12
  Even the spoons I put.
• 48:14
  I do a lot of canning and I jar all of these up.
• 48:18
  So I've got a can of expired canned goods and I just put that can into a jar.
• 48:23
  So that's how I keep those.
• 48:25
  So you just have cans.
• 48:26
  Mason jars full of cans.
• 48:28
  Yes.
• 48:29
  You think that offsets the shelf life of a canned good?
• 48:31
  I've heard it does.
• 48:32
  OK.
• 48:34
  But what I've been doing is there was a brief stint in December of 94 for two weeks
• 48:43
  where I didn't want people to eat expired things.
• 48:47
  It's very selfless of you.
• 48:48
  Do I call myself a hero?
• 48:50
  No.
• 48:52
  Do you do heroic things?
• 48:53
  Do I do heroic things?
• 48:55
  Yes.
• 48:56
  Yes.
• 48:58
  Clearly.
• 48:59
  So what I've done is I began to break into people's homes and I would check their pantries.
• 49:05
  I'd check their cellars and I'd say, do you have expired goods?
• 49:08
  They wouldn't know they'd be asleep as well.
• 49:11
  I would look in, I would grab all the out of date items, throw them in my knapsack, go spoon them.
• 49:17
  So you're still spooning it this way.
• 49:19
  And then leave.
• 49:20
  You release the lice.
• 49:21
  It's been 11 years.
• 49:22
  And release the lice.
• 49:24
  You've got a whole checklist of things you've got to do once you break and enter.
• 49:27
  You can see my clipboard when I enter somebody's house.
• 49:30
  You walk in like a warehouse manager pencil over your ear and you're like, you've got a vest on.
• 49:37
  It's got a hard hat, you know.
• 49:39
  A to do list.
• 49:41
  So what other, is there any other items that you sell that aren't necessarily detailed in the article?
• 49:48
  It does say that you, what does it say?
• 49:50
  Oh, despite the concerns, Alan seems to be enjoying his no role and he's already planning to expand his selection of items in the coming weeks.
• 49:57
  What's on the docket?
• 49:59
  What's planned?
• 50:00
  Well, and I don't mind telling you guys this, just giving a little insight to our listeners.
• 50:05
  You heard it here first, people.
• 50:06
  This is where I want to get our listeners this information first so that they can get in line, camp out to purchase what I've got to sell.
• 50:15
  I'm selling personalized orbs.
• 50:18
  So how I'm doing that you might ask.
• 50:20
  It was my next question.
• 50:21
  Yeah, like what type of orbs?
• 50:23
  Yeah, what's an orbs?
• 50:24
  I am making orbs out of chewed gum.
• 50:29
  So what I'm doing is I spend most of my days out on the streets.
• 50:35
  If I see somebody chewing gum, come up there with a pot and I ask them, hey, can I have that gum?
• 50:40
  And they usually spit it into the pot.
• 50:42
  They might ask a question.
• 50:43
  Do you do it at gunpoint?
• 50:45
  Hey, can I have that gum?
• 50:47
  I hold a knife at their throat and I say, give me that gum or you're getting cut.
• 50:52
  Most of the time they do it pretty easily.
• 50:55
  What I do, I go home after a long day and I take that gum and I mold it all together into a spherical form.
• 51:00
  I get that thing smooth.
• 51:06
  Then I wet it down, put it into a freezer.
• 51:08
  So I freeze the smooth ball of gum and I call them Alan's orbs.
• 51:15
  What happens when it pause?
• 51:17
  Why would you thaw it?
• 51:19
  Okay, no, you're right.
• 51:20
  So you have to keep it frozen?
• 51:21
  You have to keep it frozen.
• 51:22
  So in my, I don't know if you noticed in my horse drawn carriage out there, there is a cooler where it's just
• 51:29
  frozen blocks of orbs.
• 51:32
  Based on the look of the carriage, I'm just glad it's orbs and not kidneys.
• 51:36
  Well, you know, I have thought of maybe expanding my business.
• 51:41
  I already do have the cooler.
• 51:42
  So I think you're on thin ice with the low level.
• 51:44
  Yeah, that might be where the police draw the line.
• 51:47
  I got to say, but the orbs are kind of cool.
• 51:49
  Like you can, if maybe you're having trouble relating with your son, you can ask for a game of catch with the orb.
• 51:56
  No, you said these are personalized orbs.
• 51:58
  How do you personalize these?
• 52:00
  Like is it, can people request like signatures and whatnot?
• 52:04
  They can request flavors.
• 52:05
  Flavors?
• 52:06
  Well, it's all made out of gum.
• 52:08
  So I mean, they're like, can I get that winter green?
• 52:11
  Can I get that spear mint?
• 52:13
  That's the only thing burnt.
• 52:15
  You're just selling used gum?
• 52:17
  Is that like their name written on it?
• 52:21
  I don't know if you're going to like draw a face on it or something.
• 52:24
  What I do once I find out who who's buying it, I say, okay, well, give me about a week.
• 52:30
  It takes a week.
• 52:31
  And so what I do is in order to learn from them, I break into their house in the middle of the night.
• 52:37
  Of course, of course.
• 52:39
  And then I spoon them.
• 52:48
  He's got a checklist.
• 52:49
  He's got a checklist.
• 52:50
  It's a part of it.
• 52:51
  I immediately know everything about them.
• 52:53
  And so I, you know, release the lice, steal the spoons, replace it with a plastic spoon.
• 52:58
  I'm the Wichita spooner.
• 52:59
  What do you expect?
• 53:00
  I mean, and so I go home and to the orb, I tell the orb everything that I know about that person from the time in their home.
• 53:07
  So it's personalized.
• 53:08
  And now the orb knows something that I know.
• 53:12
  And that person knows you're on a hand.
• 53:14
  Terrifying.
• 53:16
  Don't know what to tell you.
• 53:19
  You break into people's house and go home and tell a used piece of gum the information that you know.
• 53:26
  A used piece of gum you molded into a perfect sphere.
• 53:30
  You sell it back to them.
• 53:34
  I don't know how this business can sell.
• 53:37
  I don't know where you could go.
• 53:38
  I mean, this is the American dream.
• 53:42
  Is that why you freeze them so they'll hold the secrets?
• 53:46
  When they fall, those secrets, they're there for anybody.
• 53:49
  They're for the taking.
• 53:52
  Now I understand why the people of the town, which is interesting.
• 53:56
  They never get the specific town.
• 53:57
  It was just a vague town of the town.
• 54:00
  Now I know why the people of this town are concerned.
• 54:03
  You are a terrifying person.
• 54:04
  Do you want to ease the minds of the town people while you have their ear?
• 54:07
  Well, townspeople of the town coming to you now.
• 54:12
  And I just want to reassure you that what I'm doing is for your benefit.
• 54:17
  I know what it is that you need.
• 54:20
  I mean, I know your secrets.
• 54:21
  I've got your orbs.
• 54:24
  And if for some reason you think about telling anybody about any of this, I'll unthaw your orbs.
• 54:35
  I'll release your secrets and keep your spoons.
• 54:41
  Oh my God.
• 54:43
  So yeah, there it is, town folks.
• 54:45
  But I'm not a predator or anything to be worried about.
• 54:49
  Just be cool and I'll be cool.
• 54:51
  There you go.
• 54:52
  Hope your mind is eased by his threats.
• 54:56
  All right.
• 54:57
  Y'all want to give some people advice?
• 54:59
  We'll impart some wisdom on some folks.
• 55:01
  Oh yeah.
• 55:02
  How can I help?
• 55:03
  What can I do?
• 55:05
  I want to do a nice thing for you.
• 55:08
  I need help.
• 55:09
  All right, boys.
• 55:12
  So a couple of people I've written in really trying to fix their life, trying to make it better.
• 55:14
  And who better to help them than the three wisest people on this planet?
• 55:18
  This first email is written in by Luke and he says, or he titles it Schizophrenic Mother and My Girlfriend.
• 55:24
  My mom is schizophrenic.
• 55:26
  She had a really negative hallucination about my girlfriend and asked me to break up with her.
• 55:31
  I really like my girlfriend.
• 55:32
  I want to marry her, but I'm not sure how to proceed with this.
• 55:36
  My family is a nuclear family and is basically my dad who is looking after her.
• 55:41
  I live in another country.
• 55:42
  I really want to care for her and I know she doesn't have control over her hallucinations.
• 55:47
  I fear that if I marry my girlfriend, my mom will spiral into something worse.
• 55:52
  But at the same time, I don't want to give up on somebody I love.
• 55:55
  All right, boys.
• 55:56
  How do y'all how do y'all go?
• 55:57
  How do you help Luke?
• 55:58
  I would say maybe Luke, you don't understand your mom because you're not hallucinating also.
• 56:03
  So get on your mom's level.
• 56:08
  Buy some of those mushrooms everybody keeps talking about.
• 56:12
  Hallucinate with her.
• 56:13
  Go to that other country that she's in.
• 56:16
  Trip together.
• 56:17
  And then maybe you'll find out why that woman's not right for you.
• 56:20
  Simple as that.
• 56:21
  It is true.
• 56:22
  Her mom might be seeing something that you're not because of her her enlightened and untethered mind.
• 56:27
  I think that's great.
• 56:28
  Yeah.
• 56:29
  Well, you haven't you got anything for for Luke?
• 56:31
  Yeah, Lucas.
• 56:32
  I got I got one set of advice for you.
• 56:34
  And that's similar to Alan's.
• 56:36
  But that's to become a hallucination for your mother.
• 56:40
  Really tap into her psyche, her her mental disability and just hallucinate you coming for her.
• 56:47
  You know, like coming to attack her saying, if you don't love my girlfriend, then bad things may happen to you.
• 56:54
  Insinuate things through this hallucination.
• 56:57
  And then your your mom might just have to love her, Lucas, because otherwise your hallucination to her may do some detrimental things because of the implication, because of the implication, because of the implications.
• 57:09
  Do you think he should show up in her room at night yelling nightmare, nightmare, nightmare?
• 57:13
  Yes.
• 57:14
  Yes. And like kind of like throwing his hands above her head.
• 57:16
  Yeah.
• 57:17
  Nightmare, nightmare, nightmare.
• 57:18
  Shaking her. Yeah.
• 57:19
  I think it would be good to get the girlfriend involved in the hallucination as well.
• 57:23
  It could be.
• 57:25
  But at the same time, you don't want to put any negative connotation around his girlfriend.
• 57:30
  You know, you want to maybe make your girlfriend save the mom.
• 57:33
  That could be good.
• 57:34
  That could be good.
• 57:35
  Really switch around the narrative there.
• 57:38
  Yeah. Fly her out to the country.
• 57:40
  Act like you're a hallucination for your mom.
• 57:43
  Make the girlfriend saver from that bad hallucination.
• 57:46
  And then she's a saver.
• 57:47
  She'll like her again.
• 57:48
  I like that. Yeah.
• 57:49
  I think that's almost foolproof.
• 57:50
  Yeah.
• 57:51
  I don't know what could go wrong with that.
• 57:55
  I'm not totally sure I understand schizophrenia, but
• 57:58
  I don't think they do either.
• 58:01
  Yeah.
• 58:02
  My advice is actually very similar to yours, which means it's probably good advice if two of us came to the same conclusion.
• 58:09
  But I'm just saying, Luke, I think I've solved schizophrenia.
• 58:12
  And here's the reason is because a schizophrenic person is generally paranoid.
• 58:17
  People are watching them.
• 58:18
  The government's after them.
• 58:19
  They see hallucinations.
• 58:21
  The issue that they are having is that they are different.
• 58:23
  They're seeing things that aren't there.
• 58:25
  Help them see the things that are there.
• 58:27
  If they're afraid of people watching them, hire people to watch them from windows and corners.
• 58:33
  And then they're not crazy anymore because when they are freaking out that somebody's watching them, people are actually watching them.
• 58:41
  If your mom is afraid of your girlfriend being a murderer, help your girlfriend murder somebody.
• 58:47
  This will make your mom seem less crazy relative to us normal folk without schizophrenia.
• 58:54
  And if we do this to every schizophrenic person, all of a sudden they are normalized.
• 58:58
  They are as normal as everybody else.
• 59:01
  So like Evan, give into her schizophrenia.
• 59:04
  Feed that schizophrenia.
• 59:05
  Feed it.
• 59:06
  Make her dreams come true.
• 59:10
  If she sees a 10 foot squirrel outside doing a polka dance, you know what to do.
• 59:16
  Do that for her.
• 59:17
  And like we were saying, we know what schizophrenia is.
• 59:21
  We're very qualified to speak on mental disorders such as schizophrenia.
• 59:27
  No, that's great.
• 59:28
  I'm glad that you had a similar thought to me because that really reaffirms my advice.
• 59:33
  And you know, as I say, great minds think alike.
• 59:35
  And great sized minds think alike.
• 59:40
  Soon Luke, maybe your mom will be thinking like us too if you give into her schizophrenia.
• 59:45
  Any closing advice for Luke there?
• 59:48
  Not only is that great advice, but I think you may have just solved schizophrenia.
• 59:51
  I think I solved schizophrenia.
• 59:52
  I don't know why others haven't come to this conclusion yet, but you know, we're on the cutting edge of science and psychology here at Questionable Detour.
• 59:59
  So it's understandable.
• 1:00:01
  This is what the people come here for.
• 1:00:02
  QDMD, that's what we are.
• 1:00:06
  All right.
• 1:00:07
  The next person writing in is having a little trouble at work.
• 1:00:12
  All right. Charles writes in, how to quit a job I just started.
• 1:00:16
  I just got my first big boy job a month ago and have enjoyed it.
• 1:00:20
  That said, I've been offered a new job that aligns much more with my career goals.
• 1:00:25
  My issue is that they need me to start in less than a week.
• 1:00:29
  My current job will be left bombarded with all the tasks I've been in charge of.
• 1:00:34
  How do I quit and convey that and convey this in the most respectful manner to my current boss?
• 1:00:40
  Tough situation. Tough, tough, tough.
• 1:00:42
  No, that's not a great situation to be in.
• 1:00:44
  Number one, don't call it a big boy job.
• 1:00:47
  That's just off the bat.
• 1:00:50
  Only refer to it as a little man job because if you're not a big boy, you're a little man.
• 1:00:55
  So I'm really trying to add that to my head.
• 1:01:00
  Yeah. So anyway, my advice is just lie.
• 1:01:03
  Lie. Your grandmother died.
• 1:01:05
  Maybe you got to take some time off.
• 1:01:07
  You got to quit your job.
• 1:01:08
  It's change your perspective on life.
• 1:01:10
  Throw something out there.
• 1:01:11
  Maybe just make it insane. Make it believable if you have to.
• 1:01:14
  Like say, oh, I got attacked by a squirrel that had rabies and now I have a week to live.
• 1:01:22
  Tell them you're going to die next week.
• 1:01:23
  Yes. Yeah. Tell them you're going to die next week.
• 1:01:26
  Cut ties immediately.
• 1:01:28
  Leave your job.
• 1:01:29
  You know, give it like give them four days, you know, of good work.
• 1:01:33
  And then when you're like, oh, I only have two days left to live.
• 1:01:37
  And they're like, quit coming into work.
• 1:01:39
  You're like, OK, I will.
• 1:01:41
  And then when they think you're dead, you just start posting all over social media.
• 1:01:45
  You have no obligation to them anymore.
• 1:01:47
  You went on vacation for two days.
• 1:01:49
  It's just business.
• 1:01:50
  Yeah, it's just business.
• 1:01:51
  They're used to this.
• 1:01:53
  They don't do this all the time.
• 1:01:56
  Really, it's strange that you, Charles, have not have not heard about this tactic for quitting jobs.
• 1:02:02
  I've done it at least three times.
• 1:02:04
  Yeah.
• 1:02:05
  You haven't found another job.
• 1:02:07
  You're unemployed.
• 1:02:08
  Yes.
• 1:02:09
  Even past employers think he's a medical miracle.
• 1:02:12
  The man that's cheated death three times.
• 1:02:14
  Last job you said, I have stage seven cancer.
• 1:02:18
  They were like, oh, I didn't know there were that many stages.
• 1:02:22
  This is a Coachella concert or festival.
• 1:02:24
  You saw your last employer at a restaurant and you're like, you had to make up the fact that you had life saving surgery.
• 1:02:30
  And it's a miracle.
• 1:02:31
  Yeah.
• 1:02:32
  I think he said when you talk to your last employer, you were like, oh, no, I read it wrong.
• 1:02:36
  It was stage one, not stage seven.
• 1:02:38
  Yeah.
• 1:02:39
  They put a weird line at the top of the line.
• 1:02:41
  The doctor had weird handwriting.
• 1:02:42
  It was not cancer.
• 1:02:43
  It was allergies.
• 1:02:44
  You had stage one allergies.
• 1:02:45
  Yeah.
• 1:02:46
  It was actually stage one cancel because they were trying to cancel my appointment because I wouldn't stop coming into the doctor's office.
• 1:02:54
  So doctors really need to work on their handwriting, I think is the summary of that.
• 1:02:58
  That can't be my fault.
• 1:02:59
  Yeah, it can't be your fault.
• 1:03:00
  You don't have to lie to us.
• 1:03:01
  No, it can't be my fault.
• 1:03:03
  You don't have to prove yourself.
• 1:03:05
  You good?
• 1:03:06
  I'm good.
• 1:03:07
  What you got?
• 1:03:08
  What you got?
• 1:03:09
  Alan, who are you?
• 1:03:10
  You can go.
• 1:03:12
  I can go.
• 1:03:14
  Yeah.
• 1:03:15
  Charles, have you ever shown up naked to your workplace of work?
• 1:03:18
  They don't like that.
• 1:03:19
  You want to convey that you don't want to be there anymore?
• 1:03:23
  Show up naked.
• 1:03:25
  Do your job naked.
• 1:03:27
  They're going to have to fire you.
• 1:03:29
  Human resources does not like that.
• 1:03:32
  And I can speak from personal experience.
• 1:03:34
  Got fired immediately.
• 1:03:35
  They wanted me out of there almost immediately.
• 1:03:38
  Gives you plenty of time to get ready for your next job.
• 1:03:42
  And Zach, me and Alan have been meaning to talk to you about that.
• 1:03:45
  Yeah.
• 1:03:46
  You got to quit showing up here naked.
• 1:03:48
  Yeah.
• 1:03:49
  It's really taken a toll.
• 1:03:51
  I have something to tell you all.
• 1:03:52
  I got another job offer from another podcast.
• 1:03:54
  God.
• 1:03:57
  You do all the work here.
• 1:03:59
  So that really takes a toll here.
• 1:04:03
  So that's why I've been showing up naked because Charles, I've been trying to
• 1:04:06
  employ the same same tactic here at questionable detour.
• 1:04:10
  It has not worked.
• 1:04:11
  It's wild that Rogan finally reached out.
• 1:04:14
  Made you that offer.
• 1:04:15
  Yeah.
• 1:04:17
  We've been in lots of talks, contract negotiations.
• 1:04:20
  They're the Joe Rogan experience.
• 1:04:22
  But you've been trying this for you've been trying to quit for what?
• 1:04:25
  Five months now?
• 1:04:26
  Yeah, five.
• 1:04:27
  You've shown up naked for five straight months.
• 1:04:29
  Yeah.
• 1:04:30
  Yeah.
• 1:04:31
  We're just now saying something about it, but it has been affecting us for the
• 1:04:35
  past five.
• 1:04:36
  I think, yeah, I've accepted the job at Joe Rogan, the Joe Rogan experience,
• 1:04:40
  replacing Joe.
• 1:04:42
  It's still called the Joe Rogan experience.
• 1:04:44
  Yeah.
• 1:04:45
  Yeah.
• 1:04:46
  I'm changing my name to Joe.
• 1:04:47
  My name is Joe Rogan.
• 1:04:49
  So you get to tell what it's like to fill in as to walk in Joe Rogan shoes.
• 1:04:53
  Basically.
• 1:04:54
  I will be taking his shoes.
• 1:04:55
  I'll be wearing his shoes.
• 1:04:56
  What size are they?
• 1:04:57
  Nines.
• 1:04:58
  He seems like a small man.
• 1:05:00
  That's kind of a small shoe.
• 1:05:01
  He's kind of a short guy.
• 1:05:02
  I don't know.
• 1:05:03
  But anyway, Charles, yeah, show up naked.
• 1:05:05
  It works.
• 1:05:06
  Not here.
• 1:05:07
  But it will work at your place of business.
• 1:05:10
  I'm very sure.
• 1:05:11
  Yeah.
• 1:05:12
  I guess that might speak more on me and Alan than it does.
• 1:05:15
  Yeah.
• 1:05:16
  What can we say?
• 1:05:17
  We're accepting people.
• 1:05:18
  We get it.
• 1:05:19
  It's a slight inconvenience for y'all, but whatever.
• 1:05:22
  All right, Alan.
• 1:05:23
  What advice do you have for Charles?
• 1:05:25
  I would say tell your current employer that you're being drafted.
• 1:05:29
  Tell them that you're being drafted and you've got to go fight overseas for the Iraqi military.
• 1:05:35
  Maybe it was the NFL.
• 1:05:37
  Yeah.
• 1:05:38
  No, no.
• 1:05:40
  I mean, they would know if they didn't see you on TV.
• 1:05:43
  So your advice to Charles is say you're being drafted by like ISIS?
• 1:05:47
  No, no.
• 1:05:49
  Not in those words specifically, I'm sure.
• 1:05:52
  I'm sorry, boss.
• 1:05:55
  It seems that I have gotten a job working for a terrorist organization.
• 1:05:59
  It's clerical, clearly clerical work.
• 1:06:03
  This business, this place of business has too many stories on it.
• 1:06:08
  It needs to come down.
• 1:06:11
  My man is doing tax refunds for the Iraqi military.
• 1:06:17
  All that you tell them is that you're doing write offs.
• 1:06:21
  You are going to work for their military and you're doing write offs.
• 1:06:26
  You're an accountant, basically.
• 1:06:30
  That way they don't think that you're a terrorist.
• 1:06:33
  They think you're just doing a job.
• 1:06:36
  You're punching a clock.
• 1:06:38
  For ISIS.
• 1:06:40
  Well, no.
• 1:06:42
  They don't like to be called that.
• 1:06:46
  Again, you don't have to tell him where you're going.
• 1:06:49
  So it's just, you just tell him.
• 1:06:51
  Tell him you're going to go work for ISIS.
• 1:06:53
  Tell him.
• 1:06:54
  If that's where you're going and you're proud of it, maybe.
• 1:06:59
  Scream it as you leave.
• 1:07:02
  Scream your anti-American rhetoric as you leave the building.
• 1:07:07
  And this is just, this is what we're suggesting for you here at Questionable Detour.
• 1:07:10
  We are against terrorism and we're not afraid to say it.
• 1:07:13
  Holy.
• 1:07:14
  I think.
• 1:07:15
  It may be controversial.
• 1:07:16
  There's some gray area.
• 1:07:18
  Whether or not we support terrorism.
• 1:07:20
  Some.
• 1:07:21
  Yeah.
• 1:07:22
  A little bit gray area, right?
• 1:07:23
  In the sky.
• 1:07:24
  Brown area.
• 1:07:25
  Oh, the smoke.
• 1:07:26
  Is that the gray area?
• 1:07:27
  Yeah.
• 1:07:28
  Anyway, any more for Charles over there?
• 1:07:31
  No, I think that's enough.
• 1:07:36
  Well, there you go, Charles.
• 1:07:38
  Show up naked, telling your boss that you're going to work for a terrorist organization.
• 1:07:42
  And, uh, you know, you're going to be a terrorist.
• 1:07:45
  Boss that you're going to work for a terrorist organization and, uh, tell them you're dying.
• 1:07:53
  So Charles is supposed to show up naked to his place of work, telling him he's going
• 1:07:59
  to go work for a terrorist organization and he'll be dead next week.
• 1:08:06
  It all ties together nicely.
• 1:08:09
  There you go, Charles.
• 1:08:13
  Let us know how that goes.
• 1:08:15
  Yep.
• 1:08:16
  We got the QD guarantee on that one.
• 1:08:19
  I'll just stamp that real quick.
• 1:08:22
  Um, terrorists, tell us what federal penitentiary you're in.
• 1:08:25
  Yeah.
• 1:08:26
  For terrorism.
• 1:08:27
  I hear Guantanamo is nice this time of year.
• 1:08:31
  We'll come visit you if it's on the way to where we're going.
• 1:08:34
  Uh, but that's it, boys.
• 1:08:35
  You want to be, you want to be done for the day?
• 1:08:37
  I'm good.
• 1:08:38
  Yeah.
• 1:08:39
  Let's go.
• 1:08:40
  We go.
• 1:08:41
  We go.
• 1:08:43
  We go.