Latest / The Daily Sarcast / April 4th, 2026: Artemis II's Toilet, Pam Bondi And My Stand Up

Transcript

April 4th, 2026: Artemis II's Toilet, Pam Bondi And My Stand Up · The Daily Sarcast

• 0:00
  Today's episode is sponsored by not flushing your phone down the toilet.
• 0:04
  It's a little too easy to do sometimes.
• 0:08
  $15 is ridiculous for six strawberries and some cream. Someone on Costco's new dessert.
• 0:15
  Insert theme song here. This is the Daily Starcast. I give you the news and me be a laugh.
• 0:20
  I'm Lindsay Vernick and today's April 3rd, 2026.
• 0:24
  I don't know about you, but this weather is literally killing me.
• 0:28
  One second, we're wearing tank tops and shorts, and the next,
• 0:32
  we're breaking out our parkas again.
• 0:34
  It's officially spring. In real news, the Artemis II astronauts launched into
• 0:39
  space yesterday, which sounds heroic, cinematic, and very expensive,
• 0:44
  and that's all very true.
• 0:46
  But within hours, the spacecraft started acting like a shitty Airbnb.
• 0:50
  There was communication issues,
• 0:52
  a sticky water valve, and my personal favorite, a toilet malfunction.
• 0:57
  The system uses airflow, which feels very on-brand for space.
• 1:01
  Nothing is ever flushed. It's all very just redirected.
• 1:06
  Anyway, the toilet starts blinking like it's about to unionize.
• 1:10
  Mission control in Houston gets involved, and the astronaut are basically asked,
• 1:15
  hey, can you just like unplug the toilet and plug it back in? And somehow that works.
• 1:20
  So just to recap, we can send humans beyond Earth's atmosphere,
• 1:25
  but the solution to a malfunctioning space toilet is, have you tried turning it off and on again?
• 1:31
  So they lost communication briefly during this, which feels like the most stressful
• 1:36
  thing imaginable when you're floating above the planet.
• 1:39
  Hey houston just checking in oh great
• 1:42
  we're alone in space now perfect love that for us
• 1:45
  and while all that is happening the crew is also doing
• 1:48
  manual flight tests they're preparing for this
• 1:51
  crazy thing called the translunar injection which is the moment they fire the
• 1:56
  engine and commit to going to the moon no pressure at all just a giant hope
• 2:01
  this works button and honestly the whole thing feels like watching someone assemble
• 2:06
  ikea furniture while already sitting on the couch they're trying to build.
• 2:10
  Anyway, the toilet works again, so that's the real headline here.
• 2:14
  A federal judge in New York has tossed out Blake Lively's sexual harassment
• 2:17
  claims against Justin Baldoni, proving once again that not every headline can
• 2:22
  be resolved with, and they are happily ever after.
• 2:25
  The judge did, however, keep two retaliation claims intact, which is legal speak
• 2:31
  for this story is not over, please do not turn the page yet.
• 2:35
  The Lost Dude stems from their work on It Ends With Us. It's a movie about toxic
• 2:39
  relationships that developed one offscreen.
• 2:42
  The film came out in August 2024, and it made $50 million and a huge, simmering legal feud.
• 2:50
  Baldoni previously countersued Lively and her husband, Ryan Reynolds,
• 2:54
  with claims of defamation and extortion, which were later dismissed.
• 2:59
  So far, this case is basically a group project where everyone keeps asking to speak to the teacher.
• 3:04
  At this point, the only thing getting
• 3:06
  fully dismissed is the idea that the situation is getting dismissed.
• 3:11
  Pam Bomdi, a longtime friend and ally of Donald Trump, is officially out as Attorney General.
• 3:17
  And not enough, I've decided to step away kind of way. More of a you've been
• 3:21
  voted off the island mid-car ride kind of way.
• 3:24
  Bomdi reportedly wanted a graceful exit. Maybe ride it out till summer,
• 3:29
  leave with dignity, keep the group chat intact.
• 3:32
  Instead, Trump pulled the plug early and told her it was time and they made
• 3:36
  it official on social media, per usual. I mean, because nothing says professionalism,
• 3:42
  like getting fired the same way people just like tweet about their feelings about brunch.
• 3:47
  During her time in office, Bondi oversaw major upheaval at the Justice Department.
• 3:51
  We're talking large-scale firings, aggressive investigations,
• 3:55
  and political opponents, which, historically speaking, is not exactly the vibe
• 3:59
  of a calm, neutral justice system.
• 4:02
  Her tenure was also dodged by scrutiny over the handling of the Jeffrey Epstein
• 4:06
  files, plus growing frustration from Trump over one key issue.
• 4:11
  She wasn't going after his enemies hard enough. which
• 4:14
  is tough because in this administration loyalty is
• 4:17
  required his results are what keep you employed and
• 4:21
  even then not always in a statement
• 4:24
  trump called her a great american patriot which is the same thing of him saying
• 4:28
  we wish her the best in her future endeavors he also said she's moving on to
• 4:33
  a much needed and important new job in the private sector which is a very nice
• 4:38
  way of saying you're fired but let's just like pretend you got promoted For now,
• 4:43
  the Attorney General, Todd Blanche, who, casual detail, used to be Trump's personal
• 4:49
  lawyer, is now stepping in as acting Attorney General.
• 4:52
  So just to recap, the Justice Department is now being run by someone who used
• 4:56
  to represent the president personally, which is less checks and balances and
• 5:01
  more same cast, different episode.
• 5:04
  And at this point, the only thing rotating faster than the leadership is the
• 5:08
  definition of independence.
• 5:10
  In Lindsay life. Every time I do an open mic, I record it and then I send it
• 5:16
  to my parents afterwards, obviously.
• 5:18
  But then I add a little text after saying that everything I said from hooking
• 5:23
  up with my ex to any weird sex stuff and anything crazy in between is just a joke.
• 5:29
  Again, guys, this is a joke, too. MVP of this week goes to this guy in Maria
• 5:34
  Tias, which is a tiny island off the coast of Africa whose entire job is finding
• 5:40
  wedding rings people immediately lose.
• 5:42
  His name is Zoelle, and if you drop your ring in the ocean, he's basically your
• 5:47
  last shot before your marriage begins with a really shitty start.
• 5:50
  He goes into the ocean with a metal detector and just gets it done,
• 5:54
  which is more commitment than most people bring to the actual wedding.
• 5:58
  He's found rings in massive underwater search areas, which is pretty impressive
• 6:03
  because I can't find my phone when it's in my hand.
• 6:06
  And at one point, he found a ring and delivered it to a guy at the airport before his flight.
• 6:11
  Nothing says meant to be like a man sprinting through security holding your
• 6:15
  marriage together. Literally.
• 6:17
  This job exists because people treat the ocean like a safe place for small,
• 6:21
  sentimental objects. It is not. It's the ocean.
• 6:25
  Even planes don't come back from there.
• 6:27
  But I do love that resorts keep his number on standby. Like,
• 6:31
  okay, we've got metal, security, and the guy who saves your marriage before it even starts.
• 6:36
  Because losing your wedding ring on your honeymoon is not a cute story.
• 6:40
  It's a bad omen with a beach view. And now instead of enjoying your trip,
• 6:44
  you're standing there like, don't worry, babe, there's a guy.
• 6:46
  But honestly, that might be the most reliable part of the whole relationship.
• 6:51
  Cooking tip of the day. If you're not hungry, don't cook.
• 6:55
  Feedback comments questions and is jewish by looking for a date email me at
• 6:59
  lindsay at thedailycircus.com thanks so much for listening have a great nice
• 7:04
  warm weekend happy passover enjoy your seder if you haven't already and i will
• 7:09
  talk to you guys on monday oh and happy easter for all my non-jewish listeners duh.