Latest / Questionable Detour / Dying, getting rich, and murdering a French reindeer.

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Dying, getting rich, and murdering a French reindeer. · Questionable Detour

• 0:00
  Excuse me, what is going on here?
• 0:04
  But first we're gonna make a little detour.
• 0:09
  So absurd, so questionable.
• 0:12
  Yeah, I guess we're just the weirdos.
• 0:15
  Expect the detour.
• 0:26
  Alan, what are your insecurities?
• 0:28
  I think it's probably the use of technology.
• 0:30
  Yeah.
• 0:32
  Not great with it. You guys are just in here plugging away at the computers, typing things, and plugging wires in and such.
• 0:38
  I don't know how to do any of that.
• 0:40
  Yeah, you come in here and be like, why are you raising a bar?
• 0:42
  I walked in here and my phone was on 13%.
• 0:46
  I didn't even know how to plug it in in the last night.
• 0:50
  It was two generations behind ours.
• 0:52
  It's so old.
• 0:54
  It might as well be a rotary phone.
• 0:56
  It has a button.
• 1:00
  You took it off your belt clip and you just slapped it on the table.
• 1:04
  How many more years do you think you'll have until you actually start using a belt clip?
• 1:08
  That's assuming that I'm not using it right now.
• 1:12
  I needed to take it off.
• 1:14
  Oh, you do have it off, yeah.
• 1:16
  How many more years until you think you're using a belt clip for your phone?
• 1:18
  Probably like 43 is probably the maximum. 43 is the optimal age to start using a belt clip.
• 1:24
  Okay, age, yeah.
• 1:26
  Because then you got middle-aged kids or you got kids that are teenagers.
• 1:30
  You have middle-aged kids when you're 40?
• 1:34
  Yeah.
• 1:36
  You certainly got started young.
• 1:40
  Alright, welcome to Questionable Detour.
• 1:42
  Y'all want to do some hypotheticals?
• 1:44
  Dave, can I pose a somewhat abstract, purely hypothetical question?
• 1:48
  I guess I want to apologize for asking a hypothetical question.
• 1:52
  That's a hypothetical question.
• 1:54
  Alright, so this first hypothetical is kind of morbid, but it's all something that we are going to have to go through and something that we all can relate to eventually one day.
• 2:02
  So when y'all die, how do y'all think y'all will die?
• 2:06
  Firing squad.
• 2:08
  You think you're going to be a part of a firing squad?
• 2:10
  I won't be in the firing squad.
• 2:12
  I will be the one the guns are directed at.
• 2:14
  Actually, I take that back. I'll be in the firing squad.
• 2:18
  Are you shot by a rogue bullet?
• 2:22
  Does somebody just miss the guy you're shooting at?
• 2:26
  Is there a ricochet involved?
• 2:28
  How does this happen?
• 2:30
  So kind of the setup that we have going out, this fire squad legion that we've set up.
• 2:34
  Y'all call y'all service a fire squad legion?
• 2:38
  We had to come up with kind of a cool name because it's been outlawed for a while.
• 2:42
  We had to convince the government to bring it back.
• 2:44
  So this is a government sanctioned firing squad.
• 2:48
  That's what our taxes are going to, Alan.
• 2:50
  That's good to know.
• 2:52
  The fire squad legion.
• 2:54
  Anyway, we didn't get a lot of funding for it because the name is kind of iffy.
• 2:58
  So they were like, yeah, you can have a little bit of funding, but here's not a lot.
• 3:02
  You know, like we're not NASA.
• 3:04
  We're not going to just have all the money in the world.
• 3:06
  How much money do they give you?
• 3:08
  Like $30.
• 3:10
  And they gave us...
• 3:12
  So you each basically get about two bullets.
• 3:15
  Yeah. Yeah. We had to bring our own guns and bring our own bullets.
• 3:20
  They gave us two bullets and that's two executions.
• 3:24
  We don't really call them executions.
• 3:26
  What do y'all call them if not executions?
• 3:28
  Batty go bye-bys.
• 3:30
  So y'all named yourselves the firing squad legion.
• 3:36
  And then when y'all got that set up, y'all perform batty go bye-bys.
• 3:42
  Yes. And on top of the $30, they gave us a massive sewer pipe, metal sewer pipe, and not long ways.
• 3:50
  Because if you do it long ways, then it's kind of like you don't know what you're going to hit on the other side of the sewer pipe.
• 3:55
  Because you don't have a lot of visibility.
• 3:57
  So we came up with the idea that we had to shoot it sideways, which is not a lot of room for a firing squad.
• 4:02
  Yeah. For guns to go off.
• 4:04
  We wanted to protect the public though.
• 4:06
  We didn't want any stray bullets hitting people out there.
• 4:09
  It's good you have the public in mind.
• 4:11
  Yeah. Since you're already getting $30 worth of funding.
• 4:13
  Right. So anyway, on our first batty go bye-bye.
• 4:17
  I assume this is a new change to the lingo.
• 4:22
  Yeah. You really seem to be reverting back to execution frequently.
• 4:25
  Yeah. Well, it was in the contract with the government.
• 4:30
  They were like, you can't call it execution. We can't have government sanctioned executions.
• 4:34
  So let's make it politically correct. Let's call it a batty go bye-bye.
• 4:39
  Make it softer so it's more palatable on the ears and the mind.
• 4:42
  Anyway, the first one we do, bullets just ricochet in all around the metal pipe.
• 4:47
  I can see that.
• 4:48
  13 people go down.
• 4:49
  Oh my God.
• 4:50
  Everyone but the person, the batty.
• 4:56
  So you guys kind of brought back the firing squad. I think that's cool.
• 5:01
  I think that's commendable.
• 5:02
  Thank you.
• 5:03
  Have you ever thought about bringing back maybe any other forms of death, like the hang loose brigade maybe?
• 5:10
  Well, we tried the... Yeah, the surfers weren't on board with that one.
• 5:15
  No, I wouldn't think so.
• 5:17
  Brought a bad name to them. But the other one we tried, we did try the guillotine goodies.
• 5:25
  But again, we got a metal pipe and the guillotine couldn't cut through the metal pipe.
• 5:29
  Oh, you put the person in the metal pipe and then put them under the guillotine?
• 5:33
  Yes. Well, how else would you do it?
• 5:35
  Is it standard for the government to just supply any organization with a metal pipe?
• 5:39
  Yeah, what's with the metal pipe? They're like, we'll give you $30 in a metal pipe.
• 5:43
  Well, it was the waste maintenance part of the government. They're the ones that are...
• 5:47
  You pandered to each branch and you found the only ones that would...
• 5:51
  Yeah, that makes sense.
• 5:52
  That makes sense. So it doesn't sound like any of y'all's baddie go bye-bys really works
• 5:57
  because you end up killing each other and eventually yourself, according to this hypothetical question,
• 6:02
  and you never actually kill the baddie.
• 6:04
  Yeah.
• 6:05
  It would be more beneficial to put the baddie in your legion and then just hopefully he dies
• 6:14
  just by y'all's lack of understanding on how to execute somebody.
• 6:19
  Yeah. None of us really understand the physics of the situation.
• 6:23
  All right, Alan. How do you plan on dying?
• 6:27
  I think that I'm probably going to go out in a dairy overdose.
• 6:31
  In a dairy overdose?
• 6:33
  Yeah.
• 6:34
  So like you drink too much milk?
• 6:36
  Yes. I have quite a bit of a problem with milk and well, dairy in general really.
• 6:40
  And I don't mind telling you guys this. I think it's a safe space.
• 6:43
  Yeah, it's a safe space.
• 6:44
  I think we don't have a ton of listeners. So I don't really think this is going to get out.
• 6:48
  It's not going to get out.
• 6:49
  But yeah, when I have a lot of dairy, the old tum tum, it doesn't feel great.
• 6:55
  You're lactose intolerant.
• 6:56
  However, yes, I am. But I'm also addicted to dairy.
• 7:02
  Have you sought help with this addiction? Like, do you go to like...
• 7:05
  If you can find me somebody that can help with that, that's a very niche, niche help that I need.
• 7:11
  The dairy drinker's anonymous.
• 7:13
  That's an organization?
• 7:14
  I would assume something out there like that. I don't want to feel like I'm doing the work for you.
• 7:20
  This is your addiction.
• 7:21
  It's your problem.
• 7:22
  You should probably do the work.
• 7:24
  As most addicts, I don't really want to leave the addiction. I really enjoy it.
• 7:30
  So do people walk into your room, mattress on the ground, shades on the window falling apart, trash on the ground, pizza boxes stacked up in the corner?
• 7:40
  Teeth are rotting.
• 7:41
  Teeth are rotting. Your teeth.
• 7:43
  There's no rotting teeth. Maybe there is. I don't know how to...
• 7:46
  But my bones are great, though. All the calcium. I mean, I've got the skeleton of steel.
• 7:54
  Your skin's like drooping and red around your eyes.
• 7:58
  And then people walk into your room and it's just you tweaked out on the nasty mattress with no sheet on it.
• 8:07
  Got a milk carton in one hand, a bag of cheese in the other.
• 8:10
  You're basically a baby. You're just addicted to milk. You get milk highs.
• 8:15
  They have to call an ambulance. They stick you with some kind of needle to bring you back to life because you overdosed.
• 8:22
  Actually, they don't call an ambulance. They call dairy farmers.
• 8:26
  Oh, that makes sense. They are the expert in the business.
• 8:28
  So they bring in their equipment and they just sort of drain the dairy.
• 8:31
  Now, what equipment do they normally use to kind of bring you from the brink of death? Is it a specific type of equipment?
• 8:38
  Just your standard dairy equipment.
• 8:41
  Which we all understand. It's not going to go unspoken.
• 8:47
  Our community, our listeners, us, we're all familiar with the pasturization, the dairy farming.
• 8:55
  There's one community we pander to and it's the farmers.
• 8:59
  I do have my Pennzoil hat on today. You got your Carhartt hat on.
• 9:04
  What's your hat? There's a saltwater sole.
• 9:07
  Not so much a farmer.
• 9:09
  Don't ostracize me.
• 9:12
  Why don't you come back next week?
• 9:14
  Yeah, just like, come on.
• 9:16
  There's a group that depend on us. It's the farmers.
• 9:20
  You're just really, you're not a pander and toe.
• 9:22
  We're big ag people here, I think.
• 9:24
  And that's one reason why I don't want to kick this habit is because I like to support local farmers.
• 9:31
  That's good.
• 9:32
  I do have one question for you as someone who's lactose intolerant or has a dairy addiction and is lactose intolerant.
• 9:38
  What do you call that act of drinking milk but you're lactose intolerant?
• 9:43
  Would you consider that a dairy error?
• 9:47
  Yes, it is without a doubt a dairy error.
• 9:52
  Just making sure. I had heard that and I just wanted to make sure my sources were correct.
• 9:57
  It's good that we outline the parameters of this addiction as it probably is not well established.
• 10:02
  I want to say I'm one of the only people that has this.
• 10:05
  Yeah, you're the only person with dairy error.
• 10:08
  Who did you hear about that from, Evan?
• 10:10
  The deep webs.
• 10:11
  Oh, you're surfing the deep webs for dairy addiction?
• 10:14
  You don't have a lot of time on your hands, do you?
• 10:17
  I don't question you on what you search on the internet.
• 10:21
  Anyway, Alan, so how do you eventually die from this addiction?
• 10:25
  I think at some point I just go too far. I just have too much milk.
• 10:29
  The body is made up of quite a bit of water, so I'm told.
• 10:32
  75% I think is the actual number.
• 10:35
  Who's to say? I don't really necessarily believe that.
• 10:38
  But it's made up with a lot of water.
• 10:41
  You can't believe basic science?
• 10:43
  It's a weird conspiracy to have.
• 10:46
  Let's stick into this, Evan.
• 10:49
  What do you think the body is mostly made up of if not 75% water?
• 10:54
  It's made up of a lot of water.
• 10:56
  I'm not going to get into details.
• 10:59
  It's made up of a lot of water. It's made up of a lot of meat.
• 11:04
  Curse.
• 11:07
  But I think that at some point I'm going to go too far.
• 11:11
  Instead of water, it's just going to be milk.
• 11:13
  Oh, it's just going to be mostly milk.
• 11:15
  Milk running through your veins?
• 11:17
  Yes.
• 11:18
  For some reason I imagine a Pillsbury Doughboy type body that they find.
• 11:23
  Plump and white.
• 11:24
  It's gross.
• 11:25
  Your whole body just expands. You're like the Michelin Man at the end.
• 11:28
  I've got to say, just a question for you guys.
• 11:31
  If milk is so bad for me, why does it taste so good?
• 11:37
  If it's so bad, why does it feel so right? Is that what you're asking?
• 11:40
  If it's so wrong, why does it feel so right?
• 11:43
  God wouldn't have created something.
• 11:45
  Why would he have done that?
• 11:46
  So detrimental.
• 11:47
  You know, some people in death row would ask the same thing.
• 11:51
  And I think that's all the answer that I need for this question.
• 11:55
  You know what I'd ask for if I was on death row?
• 11:57
  What would you ask for?
• 11:58
  I'm sure a big old tall glass of chocolate milk.
• 12:01
  Tall boy.
• 12:02
  Tall boy of chocolate milk from the chocolate cows.
• 12:06
  That's right. That's right.
• 12:07
  That sounds painful. That sounds like a painful way to go.
• 12:10
  It's not going to be great.
• 12:11
  My body shuts down based off of consistent cheese eating.
• 12:16
  How much cheese would you say you eat?
• 12:18
  How much is too much?
• 12:20
  Probably three or four pounds in one sitting is probably too much.
• 12:23
  Okay.
• 12:24
  If I were to put a number on it.
• 12:25
  Do you agree with that, Evan?
• 12:27
  If you found somebody eating three or four pounds of cheese,
• 12:30
  would you say that's too much?
• 12:31
  Yeah. I would say when you start sweating just from eating it,
• 12:35
  that's probably too much.
• 12:36
  Yeah.
• 12:37
  What if I ate all this cheese, but let's say I also ate a grape with it.
• 12:41
  That kind of balances it.
• 12:42
  Okay.
• 12:43
  I don't think food works like math.
• 12:47
  No, it's like when you put a bunch of bacon in your salad, then it's healthy.
• 12:51
  I'm going to die a lot like how Evan's going to die.
• 12:54
  It's going to be from getting shot, but it's not going to be lame like a firing squad.
• 12:58
  I'm not going to go that far.
• 13:00
  I'm not being caught if that makes any sense.
• 13:02
  Evan, would you say shots fired?
• 13:04
  Yeah, that is shots fired for sure.
• 13:07
  I'm going to die most likely, if I were to guess, based on habits, based on patterns in my life.
• 13:14
  I'm going to die when I reenact the Civil War.
• 13:18
  I have the setup.
• 13:19
  I have the three inch wool coats that they wore back in the day.
• 13:24
  I have a musket with a bayonet on the end.
• 13:26
  But here's the thing, I can never find the Civil War reenactments,
• 13:29
  so I end up just kind of reenacting the Civil War in a park.
• 13:33
  The problem is...
• 13:35
  By yourself?
• 13:36
  Yeah, but just by myself.
• 13:37
  Just by myself.
• 13:38
  The problem is that usually that alarms people
• 13:42
  when they just see a man switching between uniforms and stabbing the air,
• 13:47
  but then switching the uniform back and going to the other side and dying,
• 13:51
  as if I were stabbed, with a gun by the way.
• 13:54
  So what's eventually going to happen is somebody's going to call the police on me,
• 13:57
  and the police are going to come, see I have a gun, pull their gun.
• 14:01
  I go, I finally have friends to reenact the Civil War.
• 14:05
  They're going to shoot me.
• 14:07
  I don't actually have bullets in my musket, but they're actually going to shoot me.
• 14:11
  I'm going to die by police fire.
• 14:13
  So you do Civil War reenactments.
• 14:15
  If you could pick a favorite side, which one do you think it would be?
• 14:18
  Ooh, this is a hard question, Alan.
• 14:20
  There's so many sides.
• 14:22
  Now you said there's so many sides to the Civil War.
• 14:25
  I only know of two.
• 14:26
  Can you name any more?
• 14:27
  Well, you have the good guys, and then you have the bad guys, Evan.
• 14:31
  And that's common knowledge about the Civil War.
• 14:34
  That's two.
• 14:35
  Those are two sides, the good guys and the bad guys.
• 14:37
  What else do you want to know?
• 14:38
  And those titles kind of work both ways depending on which side of the line you stood.
• 14:43
  Yeah.
• 14:44
  They get caught.
• 14:45
  The old Mason Dixon.
• 14:46
  I just want to dive further into that.
• 14:48
  So that's two, right?
• 14:49
  You said so many sides.
• 14:51
  How many do you think is many?
• 14:54
  What is many to you?
• 14:55
  Well, you have the North, the South, and the East and the West.
• 14:59
  Do you, though?
• 15:00
  I think so.
• 15:01
  I think that's how the Civil War worked out.
• 15:03
  Now, as somebody who probably knows a little bit more about the Civil War than your average bear,
• 15:07
  Do you do reenactments like me?
• 15:10
  There wasn't a whole lot going on in the West.
• 15:14
  During the Civil War.
• 15:18
  There were some people in the West.
• 15:20
  They were kind of just hanging.
• 15:22
  Yeah, getting some gold maybe.
• 15:24
  Yeah.
• 15:27
  I just...
• 15:28
  It was pretty much Missouri East.
• 15:32
  I'm confused.
• 15:34
  I'm just thinking that maybe the reason you can't find Civil War reenactments is because you're not really sure what the Civil War was.
• 15:40
  I do head West a lot when I go for Civil War reenactments.
• 15:44
  Yeah, you seem to be looking for them in like Montana.
• 15:47
  Yeah, I mean, I've been through Montana multiple times.
• 15:49
  Great parks to do Civil War reenactments.
• 15:53
  But usually I'm the only one dressed up in the 1800s military apparel there, which I find odd.
• 15:58
  You didn't find that like a red flag, maybe?
• 16:01
  I found it a red flag, but it also had the cross with the stars on it, you know, for the rebels.
• 16:07
  I found it that, but that was because I was carrying that flag.
• 16:10
  I was playing the good guy.
• 16:12
  Well, you heard that.
• 16:14
  Historically, not accurate, but we'll give it to you.
• 16:18
  Let's get back to the actual act of what you were doing.
• 16:22
  You said you would stab the air, change uniforms.
• 16:25
  Yeah, it's almost like you're playing yourself in chess, but you switch sides of the table to play the other side.
• 16:30
  Basically, committed seppuku and just grab the gun and stabbed it in yourself once you change uniforms?
• 16:36
  Well, I only have one gun, so each side has their gun.
• 16:40
  So basically, if I am the stabber in the battle, I will stab the air.
• 16:45
  I will put down the gun, switch my wool uniform to the other uniform, whether it be north, south, east or west,
• 16:52
  and then I'll go to the other side where the person would have been stabbed.
• 16:56
  And I give a very dramatic rendition of what I would think somebody being stabbed by a bayonet looks like.
• 17:02
  And it's very convincing.
• 17:04
  Can we get a glimpse of that?
• 17:06
  Give me a second. Okay, ready?
• 17:08
  Die! Slavery is kind of bad.
• 17:10
  No, don't stab me! Slavery is okay in my mind.
• 17:15
  You got me!
• 17:17
  That is...
• 17:19
  That's about how...
• 17:21
  You really summed it up there.
• 17:23
  That's about how the Civil War went.
• 17:25
  That's the Civil War in a nutshell right there.
• 17:27
  So, the south, they wore their kind of tattered gray uniforms, and the north had their blue uniforms.
• 17:35
  You know a lot about Civil War.
• 17:37
  What about the east and the west? What uniforms did they wear?
• 17:39
  That's what I was going to ask you.
• 17:41
  I was going to ask you because I don't know.
• 17:43
  I know that there was not an east and west army.
• 17:47
  So you're asking what they wore?
• 17:50
  100%.
• 17:52
  Well, if the north wore more of a blue fatigue, and then the south wore more gray, I would say the west, maybe a yellow?
• 18:00
  I feel like a yellow would have been a good color for the west coming over.
• 18:05
  And then the east, I'm thinking green.
• 18:07
  I think green would be a nice, bold color to see on the battlefield fighting the north and the south.
• 18:14
  So the armies weren't the only things clashing. It was their colors as well.
• 18:18
  And listen, they still believed in owning people. They probably didn't really quite hit the pinnacle of understanding how to be fashionable.
• 18:26
  That makes sense.
• 18:27
  Alright boys, I know we're all talented young men.
• 18:31
  Very.
• 18:32
  And we all have a lot to offer this world.
• 18:34
  My mom says I'm very special.
• 18:36
  But if there's one thing that you've kept hidden that you would consider a talent, what's that secret talent that you got?
• 18:41
  Well, my secret talent is that I'm very warm. I give off a lot of body heat.
• 18:46
  It's like a clothing iron walking by you as I walk by you.
• 18:51
  You go, does somebody have a hairdryer on?
• 18:53
  That's what people say. It's because I'm blowing hot air onto their necks.
• 18:57
  So I just give off an intense amount of body heat.
• 19:00
  And you would go, is that a skill? People say that to me. Is that a skill?
• 19:04
  And I say yes, because I've learned a hobby with it. And here's my hobby.
• 19:08
  And also kind of a secret talent on top of that is I will go into your house.
• 19:14
  I will wear the clothes you want to wear the next day.
• 19:18
  And that way they have that nice just out the dryer warmth to them.
• 19:23
  When you get up in the morning, you hit the alarm, you get up in the morning and you go, time to go to work.
• 19:27
  And I give you the clothes. I just stand in the corner.
• 19:29
  I just stand off in the corner with your clothes.
• 19:32
  And I just stand there all night with your clothes. And it just heats up your clothes all night.
• 19:36
  That way you can get up. Nice warm clothes, you know?
• 19:38
  When I have some sweat in it, naturally with the body heat, a lot of sweat comes along with it.
• 19:44
  Wait, are you wearing the clothes?
• 19:45
  Yeah. Did I not make that clear? Yes, I'm wearing the clothes.
• 19:48
  I thought they were just like in the corner.
• 19:50
  No, no, no, no, no, no. I am wearing the clothes.
• 19:54
  I come into your house, whether you ask for me or not.
• 19:57
  And I go, are these the clothes you want to wear tomorrow?
• 20:01
  Then you say yes, because they are. And I put them on and I stand in the corner all night.
• 20:04
  You turn off the light and I'm still there just in the corner wearing your clothes.
• 20:07
  Getting all nice and warm.
• 20:09
  God.
• 20:10
  So can you heat a house very well?
• 20:13
  Yeah. If I strain.
• 20:15
  So let me tell you this though. I'm sort of looking at a wood-burning stove for my home.
• 20:21
  And now that you've brought up this skill of yours, I'm kind of thinking maybe do I just need you?
• 20:27
  So tell me, sell yourself to me.
• 20:30
  Well, here's the thing, Alan. I am not as hot as a wood-burning stove.
• 20:34
  I'm going to be honest with you. I think you look great.
• 20:36
  Thanks, buddy. I am not temperature hot as a wood-burning stove.
• 20:40
  Physically, fantastic.
• 20:42
  Very attractive.
• 20:43
  Yeah, very.
• 20:44
  I think people have said before that you're built like a wood-burning stove. Haven't they said that?
• 20:52
  Just rotund.
• 20:56
  Definitely put an awful lot of hot smoke.
• 20:59
  Can I sell Alan on this, please?
• 21:03
  Alan, I'm not as hot as a wood-burning stove. And though I may be shaped as one,
• 21:07
  I wouldn't say I am compatible with warming your home like a wood-burning stove is.
• 21:13
  But here's the thing. I may not be able to do that for you, but if you want heat while you sleep,
• 21:18
  and you want that coziness that a wood-burning stove will bring,
• 21:21
  what I will do is I will slide into bed with you, up under the covers.
• 21:24
  I will vibrate. And that will create extra heat.
• 21:29
  So you are warm at night, and you don't even need a wood-burning stove.
• 21:33
  What do you think about that? Do you think that would maybe sell you on my skillset?
• 21:37
  Get someone to keep you safe, warm, in bed with you at night.
• 21:42
  Yeah, you get all of that.
• 21:44
  I mean, I didn't know you provided all that.
• 21:47
  Listen, I provide comfort and security.
• 21:49
  So it's not only warmth, it's comfort and security. I think you can market this.
• 21:54
  I could market it, and what I will do is show people that I have great nunchuck skills.
• 21:59
  So not only will I vibrate at a very low frequency while I'm in bed with you,
• 22:03
  I will also jump out of the bed quickly and throw around some nunchucks
• 22:07
  in case I hear any kind of crashing that goes on.
• 22:10
  Are you trained in martial arts?
• 22:12
  No, no. God no. But I don't do that. It's below me.
• 22:16
  Really? You've got a two-for-one secret talent going on here.
• 22:19
  So I wouldn't say the nunchuck skill is a talent quite yet.
• 22:23
  I regularly bruise myself. My shins look like a bruised peach.
• 22:30
  But we'll get there.
• 22:31
  I'll tell you what you ought to do. It's just me spitballing here.
• 22:34
  Maybe get some shin guards.
• 22:35
  That'd be good.
• 22:36
  Do you want to go into business with me, Allen?
• 22:38
  Because that just...me and you seem like we work well together.
• 22:41
  I mean, look at us just throwing out ideas. A couple of moguls here.
• 22:45
  What would you do if me and you went to a house,
• 22:48
  I was wearing the guy's clothes for the next day to make sure they're nice, dry or warmth.
• 22:54
  What would you do as a part of this business?
• 22:56
  I'd walk in there and I'd sit there and look at him and I'd say,
• 22:59
  and you thought you were going to get a mannequin.
• 23:02
  I said, you were really weirdly into mannequins until today.
• 23:05
  Now you're weirdly into this guy that's wearing your clothes.
• 23:08
  Are you my hype man? Are you shaming them or hyping me up?
• 23:13
  If I can do both at the same time.
• 23:16
  I don't need you to roast my clientele for using my services.
• 23:21
  I'm going to roast them into using your services.
• 23:24
  I'm going to roast them in a certain way.
• 23:27
  You're going to roast them in a very different way.
• 23:29
  And that goes after their insecurities.
• 23:31
  Evan, do you want in on this business?
• 23:33
  Do you have maybe a special job that you want in?
• 23:35
  Well, first, can you answer this question for me?
• 23:37
  Sure. Yeah, go ahead.
• 23:38
  What's the smell like?
• 23:40
  You said you sweat a lot and it's really hot.
• 23:42
  So I'm sure it gets like really like mildewy.
• 23:45
  Mildewy. I would say it is not unlike a middle school locker room.
• 23:51
  Oh, yeah. It's not great.
• 23:53
  There's some trade off. Axe body spray.
• 23:55
  Axe because I spray it on myself all night.
• 24:00
  So not only just smells like deodorant and not Axe body spray.
• 24:04
  Not only are your clothes nice and dry or warm for work tomorrow
• 24:08
  after I wear them all night, but they smell like sweat and body spray.
• 24:12
  So that doesn't bode well for me wanting to go into business with you.
• 24:17
  But I do think I could provide a service and I could just carry around some Febreze
• 24:22
  and just any time you're anywhere, I just spray you down with Febreze.
• 24:25
  Basically, I walk around with the fire hose and it just has Febreze in it.
• 24:29
  So basically, us three into the house, I start putting on these people clothes.
• 24:34
  They're confused. They don't know what's going on.
• 24:36
  Alan comes in next, starts roasting them.
• 24:38
  What do you say, Alan, to them? What do you say?
• 24:40
  I walk in there and I'm like, hey, you with the mannequin fetish.
• 24:43
  Remember when you were going to buy a mannequin
• 24:45
  so you could put your clothes on him in this house? You freak.
• 24:50
  They're confused by Alan roasting these people while I'm putting on their clothes.
• 24:54
  Evan comes in like some kind of weird cartoon firefighter with Febreze fire hoses.
• 25:00
  Wearing a red helmet. Hosing down protesters.
• 25:05
  I say, get out of the way.
• 25:09
  I got the huge fire hose with the little turn handle on it.
• 25:12
  I just sit there, I brace myself, and he's just sitting in the corner,
• 25:17
  just sweating away like a little demon.
• 25:19
  I'm just like, and I hold it all night long. It's a tough night.
• 25:25
  Alan, are you there while me and Evan are there all night?
• 25:30
  What I do is I lay the groundwork and then I leave, go back to headquarters, the corporate offices.
• 25:38
  I monitor this basically via their Wi-Fi.
• 25:43
  We set up a series of cameras around for security purposes
• 25:47
  to make sure that nobody tries to take you, harm you.
• 25:51
  Same with Evan, kind of.
• 25:53
  Based off of skill level, I think we understand that he's not as valuable to the business.
• 25:58
  He's not a skilled worker.
• 25:59
  I get it, but it still hurts.
• 26:01
  I just monitor from a safe distance away.
• 26:05
  I like that a lot. Well, Evan, we've talked about your skills as a firefighter.
• 26:10
  Well, a Febreze fighter. What's your special skill other than that?
• 26:16
  Something that I've been kind of tucked away in the back of my skill sets.
• 26:21
  Just anytime I look at a photo, a portrait, just of someone's face or upper body, torso and head, anything of that regalia,
• 26:30
  I can tell what size shoe they wear.
• 26:32
  Oh, that's very cool.
• 26:35
  You tell all that from the upper body?
• 26:36
  Just from the upper body. If I see their feet, I'm totally thrown off.
• 26:39
  But if I can only see what their upper body is, if I can't see their feet, I can tell you what size shoe they wear.
• 26:45
  Wow. So what tools do you see in the picture that helps you gauge their feet?
• 26:51
  It has to do with the size of their nostrils.
• 26:54
  Oh, you go straight for the nostrils.
• 26:55
  Yeah, as well as their earlobes.
• 26:57
  That's impressive.
• 26:58
  The jaw gives a little bit, but it can be confusing because sometimes a bigger jawed man can have smaller feet.
• 27:04
  But it's a classically easy thing to get mixed up.
• 27:08
  Yeah, you got to know what you're looking for, for sure.
• 27:10
  So how does this skill manifest? Like, how do you normally use this in everyday life?
• 27:14
  I got clients. They come up to me. They say, this picture of George Washington. I'm trying to make it a full length sculpture.
• 27:20
  I want a statue of George Washington, but I want to be realistic. I want to be real life.
• 27:24
  Alan, tell me this. Is this why we've been seeing random statues of George Washington around town, but they have massive clown feet?
• 27:33
  There have been a lot more statues being put up here recently.
• 27:37
  But all the George Washington statues, they have massive shoes on.
• 27:40
  He's a big footed man.
• 27:41
  I don't think that's a skill that Evan has at all.
• 27:45
  I think George Washington was well known for being a small footed guy.
• 27:48
  Yeah, if anything, that's what I learned in history class, along with the multiple sides of the Civil War.
• 27:53
  When he was in school, his nickname was George Low Foot Washington.
• 27:59
  Honestly, I don't think there's any way to tell at this point based off. I think it's based off my skill alone.
• 28:04
  I think I'm the only true expert in the area. So really, you got to go off what I say.
• 28:09
  And that's that he has a size 23 foot.
• 28:13
  Oh, Lord. He has the same size as Shaquille O'Neal.
• 28:16
  Yes. And he was at least a foot shorter than him.
• 28:19
  So let me ask you this. So you said you tell all this by their jaws, sometimes earlobes and nostrils, correct?
• 28:26
  Correct.
• 28:27
  So did you kind of go to school to become sort of an ear, nose and throat doctor?
• 28:32
  I did.
• 28:33
  I don't think there's a lot of education involved for this, Alan.
• 28:37
  No, there was. It's a really lengthy process.
• 28:40
  It's kind of like the Marines and like the smaller teams within the Marines, you know, that special forces kind of.
• 28:48
  Like the Green Beret. Proud. Yeah. Yeah. The few, the proud, the foot boy.
• 28:55
  The few, the proud, the foot.
• 28:58
  This doesn't really sound like an organization I want to be a part of.
• 29:03
  Well, we're not in the military, but it's just it's a structure similar to the military where everyone takes it very seriously.
• 29:10
  There's hard boot camping and not everyone makes it out.
• 29:15
  Firing squad. Is it a firing squad? Yeah.
• 29:18
  How do we not see that one coming? Yeah, you got that.
• 29:20
  All right, Alan, what's your special skill there, buddy?
• 29:23
  My special skill is that I can control my hair growth.
• 29:29
  That's impressive. If I'm sitting here, wake up Monday morning.
• 29:32
  Yeah. I need a ponytail by four p.m. I've got it.
• 29:37
  And what guy doesn't need a quick ponytail? There's a lot of guys that need a ponytail.
• 29:42
  What situations do you find yourself in that requires a ponytail?
• 29:45
  I would assume buying scratch off tickets.
• 29:47
  Buying, yeah, buying scratchy lottery tickets, doing drywall.
• 29:53
  Riding a Harley. Buying like riding a Harley, buying two Gatorades and a pack of smokes at the gas station.
• 30:06
  See, it's not just it's not just ponytails, though I can reduce the hair. I can make myself bald.
• 30:12
  So if in a bald situation, maybe a horseshoe situation, what situations do you find that best to have the horseshoe bald situation in?
• 30:20
  A young person maybe having a having a struggle could be like a fatherly grandfatherly figure to them.
• 30:26
  Maybe offer him some words of wisdom.
• 30:28
  Just you late 20s weird balding pattern coming up, put an arm around him.
• 30:33
  It doesn't make sense if you see the face, but it's definitely the hair of an elderly person.
• 30:38
  Do you wear a mask? Is there like a mask situation that they don't see the face, but they do see the hair and go, I can trust this person?
• 30:45
  I actually draw on wrinkles.
• 30:47
  Sort of a sort of a skin colored marker that I use to craft some wrinkles.
• 30:55
  What other hairstyles do you like to do? So we got the ponytail. We got the horseshoe balding style.
• 31:01
  One of my personal favorites is one day. Let's call it Tuesday.
• 31:07
  I'll start off with Anakin's Phantom Menace hair. The bowl cut.
• 31:12
  Then the next day, let's call it Wednesday, I go to Attack of the Clones, the Padawan hair.
• 31:18
  So I've got the weird braid. I've got the small ponytail in the back. Little rat tail.
• 31:24
  I kind of do my personality to match his in the film. So I'm an angsty young man.
• 31:31
  Angsty morning young man.
• 31:33
  Then next day, let's call it Thursday, I do the Revenge of the Sith hair.
• 31:38
  Nice. Just long, kind of unkept.
• 31:40
  Yeah, yeah. Just sort of...
• 31:42
  That could work in a lot because that's the same hair.
• 31:44
  Really, really my new empire hair, you know.
• 31:48
  It's the same hair Kurt Cobain rocked for most of his life.
• 31:52
  Really worked out for him, didn't it?
• 31:54
  Yeah. He had a very successful life, I'd say.
• 31:57
  Long, long life.
• 31:59
  Firing squad-esque death like you there, Evan.
• 32:03
  I saw you rocking, and I feel like you've been doing it a lot lately, but the Friar Tuck haircut.
• 32:08
  That is an interesting haircut.
• 32:11
  Yes. I love the Friar Tuck haircut. I kind of feel like to my friends and family, I'm sort of a Friar Tuck to them.
• 32:19
  Oh, you think so?
• 32:20
  I sort of...
• 32:21
  In what way?
• 32:22
  Well, you know, sort of speak, you know, very Catholic things to them.
• 32:27
  You just say Mother Mary. Just Mother Mary a lot.
• 32:30
  I say things like Mother Mary, I say, let's get down on our knees real quick and get back up again and do it again.
• 32:39
  Really into wine.
• 32:41
  I don't think Alan's ever been a part of a Catholic church.
• 32:45
  I think Alan sees it like a CrossFit gym.
• 32:48
  I mean, I just I know every time that he's talking to his family on the phone from what I can hear, all I hear is, have you cleansed yourself lately?
• 32:56
  Have you been cleansing?
• 32:57
  And they always they're like, will you stop? We just call it a bath.
• 33:04
  He says no, but it's a bath for your soul.
• 33:07
  Alan walks around with his hands like together in his sleeves like this with just a rope tied around his waist.
• 33:15
  And when I sing, I only sing about four notes.
• 33:19
  In Latin.
• 33:20
  In Latin, yeah.
• 33:24
  I just love the idea that based on your hairstyle, you can be you can really be any person you want to be.
• 33:31
  Absolutely.
• 33:32
  And I think that's I think that's a lot about what America has to offer that we love.
• 33:36
  I think that America allows you to be whoever you want.
• 33:40
  You want to be a drug lord?
• 33:42
  Sure. Why not?
• 33:43
  You can do that.
• 33:44
  I have. It's easier in other countries, but you can do it in America.
• 33:47
  You can do it. You want to be a rock star?
• 33:49
  You can do it here.
• 33:50
  What other things can you be?
• 33:51
  You want to be a human version of a goose?
• 33:54
  You can be that here.
• 33:55
  You want to you want to wear headphones around and sing about small people just eating hot wings?
• 34:02
  You can do that here.
• 34:03
  I feel like if we don't stop him, he will continue on for hours doing this.
• 34:11
  He won't stop. He'll keep on making things up.
• 34:15
  All right, boys, our final hypothetical for today.
• 34:17
  You grow out your ponytail, Alan.
• 34:19
  We go with you because you are a professional at buying scratchy tickets, scratchy lotto tickets.
• 34:25
  Scratchy. It's a scratchy ticket.
• 34:28
  Just a scratchy ticket.
• 34:30
  Ones you scratch off and smell.
• 34:33
  Scratchy ticket sounds like one that has like like leaves that irritate your skin on it.
• 34:38
  So scratchy.
• 34:42
  A scratch a lotto ticket.
• 34:44
  You're a professional at buying scratch lotto tickets.
• 34:47
  By some luck, we win.
• 34:49
  What are you all buying with the millions of dollars we won off those scratch lotto tickets?
• 34:53
  Well, I'm a business guy, first and foremost.
• 34:56
  Second and second most, I'm a science guy.
• 34:59
  So I'm invested in crabs.
• 35:01
  Crabs. That's interesting.
• 35:02
  What are you going to do with those like the animal or the disease?
• 35:05
  That is true.
• 35:06
  We need to we need to specify.
• 35:09
  So what I'm going to do, let me let me just say what I'm going to do.
• 35:12
  I'm going to give people crabs and they're not going to know that they're getting them.
• 35:18
  OK, they're going to go to sleep in the next morning.
• 35:21
  They're going to have crabs.
• 35:24
  We're being me and Evan are so confused of what type of crabs.
• 35:28
  Just going to have a bag of crabs on their doorstep.
• 35:31
  They got where I feel I feel better about that.
• 35:36
  So you're just you're just delivering a door to door crab business.
• 35:41
  Is this what this is?
• 35:42
  Basically, that's what I want to do when I win the lottery.
• 35:45
  I'm going to I think I think crabs is a market that really hasn't been cornered by anyone yet.
• 35:52
  Yeah, I have often woken up and go, man, I wish I had a bag of crabs, but I don't want to have to go get them.
• 35:57
  Yeah. Yeah. And I mean, at Christmas time, that's like one of the most popular commercials you see.
• 36:01
  And they're like, give your loved ones the gift of crabs this holiday season.
• 36:07
  So what's really cool is that, like, I already have a whole bunch of Walmart bags.
• 36:12
  And so I already have places to put the crabs when I get people.
• 36:16
  So I just load them up into Walmart bags, leave them on their doorstep and there they've got them.
• 36:20
  The next morning when they wake up, it's almost like every morning is sort of a Christmas situation.
• 36:26
  So do you put you put water in the Walmart bags or you just put free range crabs in there?
• 36:32
  Just free range crabs. OK, that's better.
• 36:34
  I mean, I provide it. It's sort of up to them to maintain keeping the crabs alive.
• 36:39
  Now, do they ask for the crabs or you just kind of drop them off like you're kind of a weird paperboy?
• 36:44
  Nobody's asked yet, but I feel like it's coming one day, you know, after them receiving just sacks of crabs.
• 36:53
  Sacks on their doorstep. Eventually, they're going to miss them.
• 36:56
  Eventually, they're going to miss them when they when they stop getting sacks of crabs.
• 37:03
  What do people's doctors say about these people having these crabs?
• 37:06
  Well, first off, they're kind of like, how did you get them?
• 37:08
  And so they tell them they're like, well, I went to sleep and woke up the next morning and I had them.
• 37:13
  They were downstairs on the front porch.
• 37:16
  A random guy gave them to me that had never met.
• 37:19
  Now, you don't happen to play the saxophone, do you? While you're delivering these crabs?
• 37:24
  I do not. I sort of do like a flute Pied Piper situation.
• 37:28
  OK, OK, because the only reason I was going to say is I just want to make sure that when these people are going to their doctors and they're like, how do you get these crabs?
• 37:36
  And they're like, oh, I had some unprotected sacks last night.
• 37:43
  Well, so when I was some at those Wal-Mart bags, those sacks.
• 37:47
  Those are the sacks. That's actually where I was where I was going with that.
• 37:50
  I mean, they're they're not clean sacks. They're some dirty sacks or dirty sacks.
• 37:55
  I mean, riddled with crabs. Yeah, we're just a lot, a lot of crab, crab, riddled sacks, you know.
• 38:02
  Gosh, you had some unprotected sacks on your front door.
• 38:06
  Yeah, I hate it when I have unprotected sacks on my front door.
• 38:10
  Yeah, full of crabs, full of crabs.
• 38:12
  You just you wake up and there's just crabs everywhere.
• 38:15
  And if you don't do something with them immediately, sort of after you get them, they will take over the downstairs of your house.
• 38:20
  Oh, for sure. Yeah, absolutely.
• 38:22
  All right, Zach, what's your so if you want the lottery?
• 38:24
  When I win the lottery, I am going to buy a trebuchet.
• 38:28
  Here's the reason. It's a power play.
• 38:31
  I when I move downtown and I'm involved with a lot of people because downtown has a lot of people.
• 38:37
  I'm going to use that trebuchet for different things.
• 38:42
  Mainly one thing is to launch objects. Yeah.
• 38:45
  But here's the thing. Somebody annoys me with a crying baby.
• 38:48
  Guess what's getting launched? The crying baby.
• 38:50
  Somebody has a dog that's barking too much. Launching the dog.
• 38:54
  Somebody gets mad at me for cutting in line to the vending machine.
• 38:58
  I launched the vending machine. I say you go get the vending machine.
• 39:01
  It's over there. It's across town now.
• 39:03
  I got to say, there's one thing I support in this world wholeheartedly. It's a trebuchet.
• 39:07
  It's a superior launching device. Yeah, I agree.
• 39:10
  And luckily, the good thing about a trebuchet is there's no laws against it.
• 39:14
  You can do whatever you want with the trebuchet.
• 39:16
  They can't stop you. I haven't consulted a lawyer, but nobody's told me no.
• 39:19
  Yeah, nobody can stop you. They never wrote in the laws.
• 39:22
  They never said trebuchet bad.
• 39:25
  So they literally can't do anything about you.
• 39:28
  They can't arrest you for launching that baby.
• 39:30
  They'd be like on what precedents.
• 39:31
  Don't they say some in some laws they say gun bad. They do.
• 39:34
  Or they do. Sword bad. Yeah.
• 39:36
  Yeah, knives. Yeah. You have a new pair of shoes that makes me feel insecure.
• 39:41
  I'm launching the shoes. Whether you're in them or not. I don't know.
• 39:44
  The shoes are going across town. For sure. Right.
• 39:47
  So they can't stop you. They can't stop me.
• 39:49
  And sure, it'll be hard dragging around a trebuchet.
• 39:52
  I haven't really worked out the logistics on that yet, but people are going to know.
• 39:56
  We don't need to mess with this guy unless I want my items launched across town.
• 40:01
  I love it. I support this. I am on board.
• 40:04
  Are you on the trebuchet? I can be.
• 40:06
  I don't want to be on the trebuchet. I don't want to be launched across town.
• 40:11
  I think, you know, I think it's a good idea.
• 40:14
  It's something that I've always kind of wondered is why our military got away from trebuchets.
• 40:19
  You know, it worked in the Middle Ages. It's a good point.
• 40:22
  People were able to storm castles with the assistance of a trebuchet. Yep.
• 40:27
  Tanks are so boring. They're so unimaginative.
• 40:31
  Trebuchets, they have character. They have a soul.
• 40:35
  Yeah, they have a story. They got to tell it to the world. Exactly.
• 40:39
  And I'm going to tell you something. When you say tank, I don't know about you guys, but I feel stupid saying it.
• 40:45
  It's such a dumb word. It's a four letter word.
• 40:47
  One syllable. One syllable.
• 40:50
  I feel like I'm somebody who didn't even go to school. Yeah.
• 40:52
  When I say something like trebuchet. Oh, man.
• 40:55
  Multisyllabic. Get out of here.
• 40:58
  Gosh. God, it makes me just rock out.
• 41:04
  It makes me rock out because I love it so much.
• 41:10
  That's what I say whenever I hear the word trebuchet.
• 41:16
  Yeah, exactly. So I think I'm going to bring it back.
• 41:19
  I'm going to bring back character and I can have that kind of weird arrogance that hipsters have going,
• 41:26
  you don't have this, right? Like you don't have this thing I have. You've never heard of it.
• 41:31
  Hipsters are so analog. They try to make everything old and not digital.
• 41:36
  I feel like hipsters would be really on board.
• 41:40
  Oh, they would be. They would be all for the ancient warfare.
• 41:45
  Let's make something harder than it has to be. I think that's the hipster motto.
• 41:50
  Because, you know, trebuchet to reload that thing, it is very difficult. It takes time.
• 41:56
  Do you have a like a team on standby? No, it's just me.
• 41:59
  And I just sweat really bad. It may take me a second.
• 42:02
  Be like, oh, your baby's crying. Give me a second. Say there, lady.
• 42:05
  I told her, stay there. And then I'm kind of yanking down on it.
• 42:09
  The trebuchet, not the baby. And I finally get it down.
• 42:13
  And then she, you know, she gives it to me. She doesn't understand why.
• 42:16
  So she should have read the room and realized that if I'm loading a trebuchet,
• 42:22
  the baby's going to go in the trebuchet. But she doesn't. She's not a good mom.
• 42:25
  If she didn't notice that and she didn't make that connection already,
• 42:28
  the baby is safer in a trebuchet than it is with her.
• 42:31
  Yeah. All right. Well, I think that y'all want to get into some kooky,
• 42:36
  cracky stories that we heard about each other. Kooky, cracky.
• 42:39
  Kooky, cracky. Sounds like a serial.
• 42:43
  It's just some stories. Kooky, cracky.
• 42:47
  Yeah, we found part of a heart healthy breakfast in the news lately that
• 42:51
  weirdly y'all haven't brought up to us. Yeah.
• 42:54
  Let's see what's been in the news about us.
• 42:56
  We interrupt this program for a breaking news story. Breaking news.
• 43:01
  Hold on. This is breaking news.
• 43:04
  So, Alan, we picked this one out of the New York Times, New York Post, really.
• 43:09
  This one's about you. I guess it was what, last month, I think.
• 43:13
  I gotta say, I wish the media would just stay away from me.
• 43:16
  You seem very concerned with your life. I feel like they are too invested.
• 43:20
  Yeah. They've been following you around like a pack of vultures.
• 43:24
  You do get into some weird stuff, though, so I'll give them that.
• 43:27
  You make a good story. Well, here's what they had to say about you.
• 43:30
  In a bizarre turn of events, Alan, a local farmer, was spotted walking
• 43:34
  through a town with a pack of reindeer.
• 43:36
  Eyewitnesses claimed that the reindeer were not only walking alongside Alan,
• 43:40
  but were also helping him carry a large sack on their backs.
• 43:43
  When questioned about his unusual companions, Alan simply stated that
• 43:47
  he needed the reindeer's help to deliver Christmas presents to children
• 43:50
  in neighboring towns.
• 43:51
  When questioned about unusual companions, Alan simply stated that he needed
• 43:55
  the reindeer's help to deliver Christmas presents to children in the neighboring town.
• 43:59
  This explanation left many scratching their heads as Christmas was still months away.
• 44:03
  Despite the confusion, Alan and his trusty reindeer continued on their journey,
• 44:06
  spreading joy and wonder wherever they went.
• 44:08
  Passersby couldn't help but feel enchanted by the sight of the unlikely duo,
• 44:12
  and many even reported seeing a faint glimmer of magic in the air.
• 44:16
  To this day, no one knows what became of Alan and his reindeer,
• 44:19
  but some say that they still wander the countryside, spreading cheer and enchantment wherever they go.
• 44:24
  Now, Alan... Alan, are these sacks filled with crabs?
• 44:28
  Christmas presents?
• 44:33
  I feel like we got into your weird sacks earlier.
• 44:40
  You hired reindeers for this? You never mentioned the reindeers earlier.
• 44:44
  No, separate incident, honestly.
• 44:46
  Okay.
• 44:47
  So yeah, there was... I did see this article, mainly true.
• 44:53
  I was a local farmer in a small town.
• 44:56
  So what I was is I was a catfish farmer.
• 45:00
  Oh.
• 45:01
  You know, lesser known type of farming, but still important nonetheless, I think, to the agriculture community.
• 45:06
  This is a big ag-heavy episode.
• 45:08
  Yeah, it is.
• 45:09
  We'd like to thank the farmers, I think.
• 45:12
  So what I have is I have a series of reindeer, eight reindeer, and they helped me operate the catfish farm.
• 45:21
  So what was happening is, and this news article didn't exactly get into it, I was losing my farm.
• 45:27
  Oh, that's unfortunate. Hard times, money?
• 45:30
  COVID.
• 45:31
  Hard times. COVID really did a number on it.
• 45:34
  I don't think anybody's really recovered since.
• 45:37
  I thought catfish would be recession proof.
• 45:39
  Everybody's got to eat.
• 45:40
  But unfortunately, my farm was incorrectly named COVID Catfish.
• 45:46
  Oh.
• 45:47
  So when COVID-19 hit, that was really, I'd say, the end for us.
• 45:53
  Yeah.
• 45:54
  Just because you don't really have a lot of positive feedback after the disease that has the same name as your farm comes around.
• 46:04
  So basically, me and my reindeer, we saddled up just sacks of catfish and paraded into town.
• 46:11
  Town knew that they were none the wiser, really.
• 46:13
  They thought it was just local farmer coming into town, being kind and giving out gifts.
• 46:20
  The gifts were just loose catfish.
• 46:25
  If there's one thing that I associate magic and enchantment with, it's catfish.
• 46:30
  It's loose catfish.
• 46:31
  It is loose fish. Yeah.
• 46:36
  What are their reactions? What were their reactions when you were giving them catfish?
• 46:40
  Confusion. They weren't really sure what was going on.
• 46:44
  I think that due to the reindeer, they probably thought that I was doing some sort of Christmas deal.
• 46:49
  It was July. So I wasn't.
• 46:54
  I'm sure you looked down on them. I'm sure you judged them for thinking it was Christmas.
• 46:57
  And you're like, no, dummies.
• 46:58
  I did. I said, I've just lost my livelihood.
• 47:03
  I'm being ran out of town. I've got nowhere to go.
• 47:06
  I've lost my farm and you guys think that I'm some sort of benevolent Santa Claus.
• 47:11
  Yeah. You think it's a holly jolly Christmas? No.
• 47:13
  It's not a holly jolly Christmas.
• 47:15
  And everyone's taking this as you spreading joy and wonder wherever you go.
• 47:19
  But you seem pretty depressed about the whole thing.
• 47:22
  People misread. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It was a nightmare.
• 47:26
  People in your town could not read the room. No, no.
• 47:30
  They mentioned that you still wonder the countryside, but no one knows what happened to you.
• 47:35
  What? How did you get out of the public's eye? Yeah. So so great question.
• 47:40
  I have taken to the taken to the woods and I didn't give away all my catfish until I still had some.
• 47:48
  I had an egg sack of catfish eggs. Oh, OK. What did you think I was talking about?
• 47:53
  I don't know what an egg sack was. You are a man with many sacks.
• 47:59
  Lots of those mean the reindeer. We traversed the countryside out into the woods.
• 48:05
  We've dug ourselves new ponds on land that we don't own. Yes.
• 48:09
  But we're kind of this ethereal, mystical group of human and reindeer.
• 48:15
  So, I mean, we kind of we kind of have free range sort of.
• 48:18
  Now, do you wear like some kind of white robe since you're so mystical and ethereal?
• 48:23
  Like, do you just kind of float just above the ground and maybe a white robe?
• 48:27
  Actually, I tried the white robe at one point, but I found that I was spotted too easily.
• 48:34
  So if I know anything, people are looking for some weird magical catfish salesman.
• 48:38
  Everybody is looking for for something to believe in.
• 48:43
  And if it's a magical catfish salesman with reindeer, they'll they'll believe it.
• 48:48
  So what I had to do is I actually had to and I hate to say it, but I had to kill one of my reindeer.
• 48:53
  Oh, yikes, because all I brought was that white robe from the house that you were talking about.
• 48:59
  And so I didn't have any other clothes.
• 49:01
  So I skinned that reindeer and wore its hide.
• 49:06
  Now, I assume the other reindeer aren't as fond of you because you killed and skinned their friend.
• 49:10
  I did it the best way that I saw fit.
• 49:12
  I observed the reindeer sort of from a small distance and found the one that they didn't like.
• 49:17
  Small distance. Do you mean right beside them?
• 49:21
  We live in the same camp.
• 49:23
  It was a very, it was a very small distance.
• 49:25
  It's a very small distance.
• 49:27
  But I found the one that they liked the least.
• 49:29
  Yeah.
• 49:30
  The one that kind of had some of those some outlandish beliefs.
• 49:35
  Do you reindeer talk to you?
• 49:38
  Is that what that is?
• 49:40
  Yeah, they have a lot to say.
• 49:42
  I found the fringe guy and I said, I don't think they'll miss this guy as much.
• 49:48
  Did you say French guy?
• 49:49
  French guy, yeah.
• 49:50
  The French guy with you?
• 49:51
  The French reindeer?
• 49:52
  The French reindeer.
• 49:53
  Oh, he's French.
• 49:54
  I bet his accent was very annoying.
• 49:56
  No wonder you killed him.
• 49:57
  I get that.
• 49:58
  He's probably really rude too.
• 49:59
  Yeah.
• 50:00
  Yeah.
• 50:01
  Well, that is impressive.
• 50:03
  I'm glad the reporters didn't get to you with the reindeer murder.
• 50:08
  They stopped with you just kind of going off into the mist.
• 50:11
  Honestly, I'm kind of glad it ended the way that it did because the article sort of makes me seem like some sort of loving,
• 50:18
  kind, generous individual.
• 50:21
  I was, I mean, I'm not afraid to say I was in a very bad place at the time this article was written.
• 50:27
  A guy really down on his luck.
• 50:29
  And instead of going in a positive direction, I think I've got worse.
• 50:35
  Definitely on the downhill.
• 50:37
  He murdered a French reindeer.
• 50:39
  I'm wearing its hide.
• 50:40
  You are.
• 50:42
  Well, it's good to see you made it out of that.
• 50:45
  So some people have written in asking for advice, life advice to the three wisest people on this planet.
• 50:53
  That's us.
• 50:54
  How can I help?
• 50:55
  What can I do?
• 50:57
  I want to do a nice thing for you.
• 51:00
  I need help.
• 51:01
  So Shane writes in with the title feral cat issue.
• 51:05
  He goes on to say in the email, how do I deal with a rampant feral cats that our neighbors continue to feed?
• 51:11
  These wild things don't wear collars, spray on our front door and porch, sleep in our car and agitate my three inside dogs.
• 51:19
  We live on six acres of land.
• 51:21
  Two of those acres are fenced in.
• 51:23
  And these little nuisances have been briefly found in my enclosed portion of my yard.
• 51:28
  I've seen as many as eight different cats and they all are probably inbred.
• 51:33
  I am completely open to any slash all options, lethal or nonlethal.
• 51:39
  Appreciate the advice.
• 51:40
  Well, thank you, Shane.
• 51:41
  Boys, he's having a really he's having a feral cat issue.
• 51:44
  What would y'all what advice would y'all give him to kind of remedy the situation?
• 51:48
  I'd say he needs to first determine, I guess, if these cats are magic or not.
• 51:54
  Sir, because the way that they're kind of weaving in and out of places in this guy's property, I think there might be a little bit of teleportation involved.
• 52:02
  They got octopus bones.
• 52:04
  Their bones may be noodles, so we do need to check for that also.
• 52:11
  They can fit anywhere that their beak can get through.
• 52:14
  That's the one thing I know about cats.
• 52:18
  Evan knows what a cat is.
• 52:20
  Continue.
• 52:22
  Don't let Evan's weird zoology throw you off.
• 52:26
  I think that Shane needs to observe these cats and determine the magical properties if they are magical.
• 52:34
  If not, we can we can move forward to probably an easier method of getting rid of these these feral cats.
• 52:40
  What's an easier method?
• 52:41
  I would say landmine.
• 52:47
  That's I think that's pretty efficient.
• 52:49
  How many how many feral cats did he did he say that he said he said he didn't say a complete number,
• 52:55
  but he has seen as many as eight around his property, so there could be more eight cats means sitting on top of each other.
• 53:02
  They're roughly the size of a small human, so that's something that you got to watch out for.
• 53:07
  Yeah, them doing like a weird Power Rangers Transformers.
• 53:11
  Yeah, yeah, that can be that can be dangerous.
• 53:16
  And what what minerals or gems are you expecting to get out of these landmines?
• 53:22
  Oh, Evan Evan thing. I see Evan is assuming that he lend minds like I was mining.
• 53:29
  Not necessarily that I'm trying to get gems.
• 53:32
  However, that could be that could be useful.
• 53:35
  I was thinking of luring these feral cats into a mine.
• 53:38
  Oh, right. Trapping them in there.
• 53:41
  I see. That's good advice for Shane.
• 53:43
  So he needs to dig a giant hole of mine type situation.
• 53:46
  I'd say if he hasn't if he hasn't started getting into gems or gold or coal, I think first off, Shane's kind of not the person I think I want to be talking to if he's not into that.
• 53:58
  Sorry about that. But, you know, my personal views aside, I think he needs to go ahead and start digging a mine.
• 54:05
  Evan wants Shane to start a zoo, a farm underground zoo.
• 54:11
  Is that your advice to Shane? Start an underground cat farm?
• 54:14
  That's what I would do. OK, well, there you go.
• 54:17
  For me, Shane, I'm going to more side with Alan here.
• 54:20
  You want to get rid of the cats, not grow them.
• 54:23
  Dress up as a cowboy. Have two six shooters on the side of your hip.
• 54:27
  You see a cat? Quick draw. Shoot the cat. Kill the cat.
• 54:30
  Maybe you get a cat. You catch a cat. Dress them up as a cowboy.
• 54:34
  Have a standoff high noon backyard in that two acre fenced in area you have.
• 54:39
  That will show the other cats. You mean business.
• 54:41
  They'll never come near your place again. They're going. We're not going to mess with the quick shooting cowboy that lives there.
• 54:46
  Yeah, I think one of the reasons why they're probably so drawn to your place, Shane, is that you let them do it.
• 54:52
  It's just all your fault. You haven't stood up.
• 54:56
  You hadn't stood your ground against these nuisances.
• 55:00
  You have let them terrorize you and they know that they can get away with it.
• 55:06
  Yeah, and I guess for my advice for you, Shane, here, not that anybody asked, you know?
• 55:11
  I think Shane asked. I think he emailed in.
• 55:14
  You're asking the right person. What I would do, and I've done this many a time, to get rid of a cat infestation, a rodent infestation, an elderly person infestation that I've had on my lawn.
• 55:24
  You've got to get in their mindset. You've got to know where they're coming from.
• 55:27
  Why do they want to be on your land? That's why you get a cat suit.
• 55:30
  Dress up as a cat. Take a nap on top of your car. Get your paws a little dirty.
• 55:34
  Put a little handprints on your car, on your windshield.
• 55:37
  You're like, God dang it, they've been on my car again.
• 55:39
  Well, that was you this time. Now you know why they wanted to do it.
• 55:42
  Why are they in your yard? You got to be in your yard on all fours.
• 55:45
  You got to look around, see what sustenance is there.
• 55:49
  What draws you here if you're a cat? Is it a rodents?
• 55:53
  Do you have a rodent problem? Call pest control.
• 55:56
  What do you what are you thinking?
• 55:59
  Just really get in the mindset of a cat.
• 56:02
  Cough up a little hairball.
• 56:05
  Sharpen your claws on some cardboard.
• 56:08
  Maybe it's warm there. Yeah, just get into the mindset.
• 56:11
  Maybe you'll figure it out. There you go.
• 56:14
  You OK? Oh, yeah, I'm good.
• 56:17
  I'm good. Seemed like you kind of went to another place there.
• 56:20
  I'm good. I'm good. Well, all right, so you have three things that you can do here.
• 56:24
  Alan says put down landmines, kill as many of them as you can at one time.
• 56:28
  Evan says have a mine, dig a hole in the ground,
• 56:31
  create a cat zoo, but first become a cat.
• 56:35
  Understand their thought process. And mine, of course, is become an old Western movie.
• 56:40
  Just quick draw some cats out in your backyard.
• 56:43
  You're welcome, Shane. All right.
• 56:46
  Our next person writing in is named Mallory.
• 56:50
  She said, how how to make friends at university?
• 56:53
  This is a this is a problem that a lot of people have. Making friends is difficult.
• 56:56
  I am at university currently and I genuinely suck at socializing.
• 57:00
  Unless I'm approached by someone, I'm too nervous to introduce myself.
• 57:03
  And when I do, usually after a couple drinks,
• 57:06
  the furthest it goes is getting someone's socials and chatting for a bit before it dies out.
• 57:12
  I started university this past September and now it's beginning to feel like a lost cause.
• 57:17
  I know the point of university isn't to make friends,
• 57:20
  but I can't just throw myself into studying without a social life.
• 57:24
  What should I do? What am I doing wrong?
• 57:26
  That that seems like a very difficult situation there, Mallory.
• 57:30
  Boys, you'll have any advice for Mallory on how maybe how to make friends while she's at college?
• 57:35
  Yeah, I think Mallory, Mal, if we can if we can call you that personal here, Mal,
• 57:41
  I think what you're missing is background information.
• 57:44
  You're trying to meet these people organically, knowing nothing about them in general.
• 57:48
  You need to do your research. You need to know their family.
• 57:53
  What grocery store do they shop at? You need to get involved.
• 57:57
  Get on their get on Facebook, find their family, meet their family,
• 58:02
  preach, arrange for a sit down.
• 58:05
  What is what is her dad like to do? What is his mom cook?
• 58:08
  You you find all this information binders full.
• 58:11
  Then you meet the person. You've already got all the information about their life.
• 58:15
  You know what they wore when they were kids.
• 58:17
  You know what kind of things they were afraid of at night.
• 58:19
  You have all this information, Mallory.
• 58:21
  It shouldn't be difficult to have a conversation with these people.
• 58:25
  Now, Alan, don't you think that'll creep out the people when Mallory here
• 58:31
  just starts listing off their personal life?
• 58:33
  Mallory, I think if it's the right person, they'll understand what you've done.
• 58:37
  Absolutely. I think that's great advice.
• 58:39
  I think if there's somebody that doesn't appreciate the amount of research
• 58:43
  that you put into a friendship prior to, you know, they're not they're not somebody's going to appreciate you.
• 58:48
  What do you feel is the most important piece of information to gather on someone?
• 58:52
  I would say probably what they didn't eat as a child.
• 58:56
  That's fair. That's a good one.
• 58:57
  So some type of a wheat cookie.
• 59:02
  Steer clear of that. You don't want you don't want to have you don't want to add a negative experience to to the meeting.
• 59:09
  I'll just go ahead and tell you never bring a wheat cookie to me.
• 59:11
  Yeah, it's not I'm not going to be your friend to bring me a wheat cookie.
• 59:14
  But yeah. OK. So any advice for Mallory?
• 59:17
  I do have some advice. Oh, that's good.
• 59:20
  Mallory, what I would do is similar to Alan is you want to know who you're who you're coming up to, who you're who you're coming at.
• 59:27
  You know, you want to make a sculpture of their head.
• 59:29
  Oh, deco, pause a little. So what's a pinata made out of?
• 59:33
  Paper mache, paper mache, get some paper mache of their head.
• 59:36
  Basically, just make a pinata of their head, bring it to the party, walk up to them and say, hey, I made this of you.
• 59:43
  And then hang it from the ceiling and then make the entire party to go ham on their faces.
• 59:50
  What pops out of it? Not candy, but blood. Oh, let the person know you mean business.
• 59:56
  Let them know this is what happens if they cross you.
• 1:00:00
  And then they'll have to be friends with you. Oh, I see.
• 1:00:03
  That's good. Yeah. You back them into a corner.
• 1:00:05
  Back them into a corner. Give them no other option but to be friends with you.
• 1:00:10
  I have heard it said that fear is the basis of the best friendship.
• 1:00:14
  That's true. That's true. Long lasting friendships.
• 1:00:16
  I think it was you that said that. That is a common quote that I say.
• 1:00:20
  Yeah. Is that it? Is that any more advice for her?
• 1:00:22
  No, I mean, that's all you need. Do you think do you think there needs to be more?
• 1:00:26
  No, no, no, that's about it.
• 1:00:28
  Well, for me, Mallory, I think what I would advise you is something you're already doing in your email.
• 1:00:33
  It said that you find it easier after you have been drinking to make friends.
• 1:00:38
  I would say drink more. Dive headfirst into alcoholism.
• 1:00:42
  Be piss wet drunk constantly. And you'll see that friends just naturally come to you.
• 1:00:48
  They might look like people coming out of an ambulance because you've had alcohol poisoning.
• 1:00:53
  They're not. They're your friends. You've already kind of touched on how to make friends.
• 1:00:57
  And it's by drinking. Just drink more. When you wake up, drink. When you go to bed, drink.
• 1:01:03
  You want to be constantly drunk, never sober. Sober you obviously isn't that interesting, you know,
• 1:01:09
  because otherwise you would have friends. So that's my advice.
• 1:01:12
  So three great advice pieces right there. Alan said stalk them, understand their lives,
• 1:01:19
  whether you're stalked from a bush or maybe you've entered their house, however you want to do that.
• 1:01:24
  Evan said build it, build busts out of their head, hit them with sticks.
• 1:01:29
  Blood will go everywhere from inside the bust. I think that's what it was.
• 1:01:34
  It's sort of hard to follow. It's a blood pinata. It's not that hard to follow.
• 1:01:39
  And of course I said drink more. Be drunk always and you'll make friends.
• 1:01:43
  All right. So our last advice is from Shirley.
• 1:01:48
  And Shirley said boyfriend and I are moving in together for the first time.
• 1:01:52
  Any tips? And she goes on to say in the body of the email, within the next two or three months,
• 1:01:56
  my boyfriend and I will be renovating his grandmother's house.
• 1:02:00
  We need to remove the carpet, replace it with the refrigerator, fix the plumbing,
• 1:02:04
  throw away a decent amount of furniture. Other than that, it's a perfect place.
• 1:02:08
  Any specific tips? Things to buy that people usually don't think about.
• 1:02:12
  Certain insurances, things to avoid. All right guys, so apparently Shirley here is moving in with her boyfriend.
• 1:02:17
  I don't know what happened to her grandmother. I'm not going to ask any questions,
• 1:02:20
  but she's moving into her grandmother's house and she's renovating.
• 1:02:23
  Any tips for renovating things to buy? Maybe ideas she could do with her new space?
• 1:02:28
  I'd say sort of on the things to avoid topic. You're moving into your grandmother's house.
• 1:02:34
  I'm assuming your grandmother's not there. You already got rid of her.
• 1:02:37
  Yeah. I would say avoid bringing in any other elderly person to your home.
• 1:02:43
  You've sort of already cleansed the home and you're getting rid of all that old furniture.
• 1:02:50
  Probably spraying some scents, getting rid of that old people smell.
• 1:02:54
  I would say let's not take a step in the wrong direction and invite old people to your home.
• 1:03:00
  I would say let's keep it probably 40 and below. Age 40 and below.
• 1:03:05
  So you put a temperature.
• 1:03:07
  Temperature you can do whatever you want to with.
• 1:03:10
  But let's say keep anybody older than 40 out of that house.
• 1:03:13
  You don't need that old people negativity in your life and in your home.
• 1:03:18
  I think it's great. Should they put a sign outside that maybe states that?
• 1:03:21
  I would say we hate the elderly.
• 1:03:23
  Skull and crossbones on it maybe.
• 1:03:25
  Skull and crossbones. But to show that you're funny it's the letter H and the number 8.
• 1:03:32
  That way people know that you're whacking and quirky.
• 1:03:35
  Evan, do you have any advice for Shirley and her renovation project with her boyfriend?
• 1:03:40
  Yeah. I mean she was talking about getting rid of everything that's in the house.
• 1:03:43
  Throwing it away, renovating everything. I say don't do that. Keep everything that's in there.
• 1:03:47
  And then she said anything else to get? Get everything.
• 1:03:50
  Just continually just hoard. Just continually amass items.
• 1:03:56
  Don't throw anything away. Just put it up in piles all over your house.
• 1:04:00
  And eventually you'll get on the TLC show and you'll be rich.
• 1:04:04
  You'll have all the money you need to continue to hoard things in your house.
• 1:04:08
  And then you'll have everything you ever needed.
• 1:04:10
  That's awesome advice. Things fill the holes that we're missing in our soul.
• 1:04:15
  If you're sad, if you're depressed, just buy things. I think that's great advice.
• 1:04:19
  Yeah. And you can't ever need something if you always have something.
• 1:04:23
  And I don't think Evan is actually saying buy things as much as he's saying take things and put them into your house.
• 1:04:30
  You don't really have to purchase. You don't have to have a receipt. We're not the IRS.
• 1:04:35
  Money has nothing to do with it.
• 1:04:36
  Yeah. Just take things.
• 1:04:38
  You see something? Yeah. Five finger discount. Stick it in your pocket.
• 1:04:41
  Alright Zach. What's your advice here?
• 1:04:43
  So my advice is more opinion based admittedly, but I've walked into many people's houses and seen an upsetting lack of an ice rink.
• 1:04:53
  I think your house would be significantly more fun if you had an ice rink.
• 1:04:59
  Not just one in one room. No, you knocked down every wall inside that house.
• 1:05:04
  You build one big ice rink. You now live in an ice rink and your grandma's gone.
• 1:05:09
  Probably dead. I don't know. You didn't explain that.
• 1:05:12
  The point is you don't have to worry about her slipping on ice.
• 1:05:15
  And this kind of goes a little bit with that. Alan's not going to think about it.
• 1:05:18
  Old people can't enter that. They don't know how to ice skate. Ice is a it would be detrimental to their livelihood.
• 1:05:25
  So I would say build an ice rink. Maybe have a Zimboni in there and you know that way you need to sleep.
• 1:05:32
  If you're always cold, you get up, go to the fridge, just ice skate over there. It would be a blast.
• 1:05:37
  You said take out all the walls, right?
• 1:05:39
  Yeah, no walls.
• 1:05:40
  You're just making sure that it was a structurally unsound ice rink.
• 1:05:44
  Well, you would take away the roof too.
• 1:05:47
  And I would say go out and take away the other walls as well. That way you just have an ice rink.
• 1:05:51
  Shirley, I just want you to have an ice rink and can we come to it?
• 1:05:56
  Can we practice hockey on it?
• 1:06:01
  So there you go, Shirley. There's three great pieces of advice.
• 1:06:04
  Evan said hoard your items. Get as many things as possible.
• 1:06:08
  Alan said just keep old people out of your house. Keep them away. They're going to do nothing but bring you down.
• 1:06:14
  Bring your spirit down. And I said put an ice rink in your house, but also just have an ice rink.
• 1:06:20
  I don't really care about your house. So there you can take that advice. Take it to the bank.
• 1:06:24
  If you take any of this advice, your life will be better.
• 1:06:27
  You're welcome.
• 1:06:28
  Yeah, you are welcome.
• 1:06:29
  Let us know. Email us back and let us know which idea you chose.
• 1:06:34
  Or if you chose all of them.
• 1:06:35
  Or yeah, you could choose all of them. It'd just be an ice rink with things on it.
• 1:06:40
  We'd be really happy to know if you had a crowded ice rink with no old people.
• 1:06:51
  Well, all right, boys. That was good advice. Helping the world one step at a time.
• 1:06:55
  You want to be done? You want to be done with this for today?
• 1:06:57
  Let's be done.
• 1:06:58
  I think I'm done.
• 1:06:59
  All right, we're done. Go on with your lives.