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317. Divorce Co-Parenting Anxiety: Why Being the Bigger Person Is Killing Your Healing (And What to Do Instead) · Dear Divorce Diary: A Fresh Approach To Healing Grief & Building A Life Of Confidence After Divorce

• 0:49
  SPEAKER_03: Enough already, love.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_03: You're co-parenting, right?
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_03: Did you see my air quotes?
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_03: You're sending mostly calm texts, steady schedules, and yet every handoff rips that wound open again.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_03: He moves on fast, he's got this new glow up while you're carrying the emotional weight of the kid's fallout and your resentment.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_03: And being the bigger person is actually killing you quietly.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_03: And your healing just won't quite stick.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_03: Why?
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_03: Because your body and spirit are still hooked into the unfairness.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_03: So today we're unpacking why co-parenting keeps reopening every little thing.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_03: We are going to bring somatic truths, IFS clarity, and layered homeopathic support to finally shift it.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_03: Stay close.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_03: Your freedom is on the other side.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_03: Hi, love.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_03: Welcome to Dear Divorce Diary, the podcast helping divorcees go beyond talk therapy to process your grief, find the healing you crave, and build back your confidence.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_03: I'm your host, Don Wiggins, a therapist, coach, integrative healer, and divorcee.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_03: Join me for a fresh approach to healing grief and building your confidence after divorce.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_03: Here's what we're walking through together today.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_03: First, the unequal emotional load you carry alone, while resentment towards your ex builds like a slow fire.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_03: It's not just anger, it's your nervous system screaming that protector parts are still tethered to his energy.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_03: Tiffany is going to help us imagine releasing this without another fight.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_03: Later in the episode, we are going to look at the brutal contrast of him moving on quickly and seemingly effortlessly, leaving you to manage the kid's confusion and your own and the aftermath solo, and why that contrast seems to re-traumatize your nervous system over and over again.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_03: And towards the end of the episode, we are going to dig into why playing the bigger person keeps the wound bleeding instead of healing, and what will actually change that pattern when traditional advice falls flat.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_03: But if you want the whole layered homeopathic support and the deeper integration that makes the shift stick and last, that will be waiting for you in this Thursday's premium episode, which is a panel rant on co-parenting fairness.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_03: So you'll definitely want to check us out there.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_03: All right, let's dig in.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_03: Darlings, we have had a really big weekend over here in South Kakalaki.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_03: It has been snowing, which is bizarre here, right?
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_03: And I have been really focused on healing my spleen, and I'm pretty excited about that.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_01: What have y'all been up to?
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_01: It's definitely been snowing.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_01: It's insane.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_01: And we get it here like maybe once every two or three years.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_01: Right, right.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_01: So we got about eight inches this weekend, and so it was the white powdery stuff, you know.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_02: Um, so it was fun.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_02: It was fun.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_02: All of a sudden, this episode is sounding like it's about something it's not really about.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, yeah.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_03: Can we talk about why can we can we talk about so quickly about why I'm excited about healing my spleen?
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_03: Yes.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_03: We're gonna do an episode on this actually.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_03: But in traditional Chinese medicine, the spleen is the organ that's responsible for rumination.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_03: And I know for a fact our listeners do that, which means our listeners need help with their spleens, right?
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_03: So I'm really excited because um I'm kicking out the rumination, and I've got a secret hidden weapon tool that we're gonna tell them about in another episode.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: I'm super excited about this too, because I've always had chronic spleen issues, like hospitalized for spleen issues.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: This is crazy.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_03: How do I not I know about your gallbladder?
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_03: How do I not know about your spleen?
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: I spent like two weeks in the hospital when I was a kid for they were my spleen was enlarged and they couldn't get it under control and so flooded with all the things, right?
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm very excited to learn more about the spleen adventure because you know I can ruminate.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_02: I was gonna say, ladies, you know what Producer Joy just admitted to.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_02: Uh-huh.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_03: I am very excited to hear Tiffany talk about how resentment about unequal emotional load means that our listeners have protector parts tethered still to their ex, right?
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_03: Some of our most popular episodes on this show are around letting go and the difficulty letting go, right?
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_03: And like letting go of the life you imagined and just letting go in general and resentment, right?
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_03: Like these are some of our most popular episodes.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_03: And so what we're talking about here is that there is still some part of your psychology that is literally like energetically, like quantum particles entangled, linked to his energy, and that protector parts are keeping that going.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_03: Tiffany, tell us what's up with that and what to do about what do we do about it?
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, so you definitely I'm gonna talk about the three most popular ones.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, and everybody can tell me if that's you, right?
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, okay.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_01: So the first protector part that's usually activated post-divorce is that lovely caretaker part.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_01: So we're still trying to make sure that he makes his doctor's appointments, we're trying to make sure that he still eats well, that he's still right, like all the things.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_01: Like I have clients who still cook for their husbands, ex-husbands, like so it's kind of a caretaking type of a behavior.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_01: And then we have our people pleasers, and these are the women that are going to not say the thing and not call it out, and we're just gonna suppress and we're gonna take the high road, and we're just gonna be big people because we do not want to anger him, piss him off, infuriate him, whatever the case is.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_01: And then we've got our fixers, and they just still feel like their ex-husbands are a project, and so it's like if I can just get him to see this, then I will get this.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_01: And so that is where you are stuck in these roles that you lived out in your marriage, and you're still trying to live out post-divorce.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_03: And so, because those are protector parts, they're basically all roles we've played to avoid conflict or to avoid rejection or to avoid some sort of emotional pain we've been carrying probably since childhood, right?
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_03: Like, yeah, like if I caretake, if I fix, if I um people please, he won't hurt me so badly.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_03: Is that true or is it total bullshit?
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_03: I think it's total smile.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, like I think it's total bullshit.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_01: I feel like one of the biggest things though with co-parenting is that we feel like we're protecting our kids.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_01: And I don't feel like that's factual.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_01: That's where you start getting a little bit too entangled.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_01: Um, because it's almost like you feel like you're still the one self-sacrificing because you feel like if you don't, there's some fear associated with it.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_01: That's something bad's gonna happen to the kids.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, like he's gonna leave your kids or he's gonna just, you know, bounce out of the picture or whatever it is, there's a fear associated there.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_03: So it's interesting though, because these roles, these protector parts got developed in childhood, right?
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_03: Like probably before seven years old.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_03: It could have been after, but most of us develop our beliefs and our coping skills before seven years old.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_03: And then, you know, that's the work we're doing here is to rewire our methodologies and our adaptive strategies, right?
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_03: And at the time when we're children and we don't have agency, autonomy, authority over ourselves, we use these really clever adaptive strategies, right?
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_03: If I keep mom happy, she won't be so upset.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_03: If I keep mom happy, her and dad won't fight, or whatever it is, right?
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_03: Or if I solve this problem before they find out, I won't get in trouble, or if I, I don't know, what are some of the other things that happen for young children that create these protector parts that then we reenacted in our marriages?
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, somewhere along the way you learned that either by caretaking, people pleasing, or fixing, that's how you gained your worth.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_01: And so it's a lot of insecurities around I'm just not enough as I am.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_01: And if I don't play a role, I'm not going to be loved, I'm not going to be taken care of, I'm not going to be seen, understood, wanted.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I'll be right back.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_01: Or safe.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_01: Like for me, I'm gonna add safe.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_01: I wasn't safe, yeah, safe.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_03: It was certainly all those things, but and also safe.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, yeah.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_03: Shit would go be scary.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, so these roles get burned in really, really early on, right?
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_03: And that's why the co-parenting thing and the unequal burden, it's why women keep perpetuating the unequal burden even when, even after the ink is dry, right?
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_03: Like even afterwards, they're still hooked into these roles around co-parenting.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_03: And this isn't just with young children, right?
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_03: We have seen this happen with the women we work with, with adult children also, or like college-age kids or with grandkids, right?
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_03: We've we've seen this recently actually with kids and grandkids, like how exes choose to spend their time and whether or not they're choosing to be with their grandchildren or at certain parties or this or that, right?
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_03: It's it's like it's a thing, no matter the age of your children post-divorce.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and I think what you want to protect is also your own feelings around guilt and shame.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_01: And we're gonna dive into that more on Thursday.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_01: I'll share my experience with that.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_01: But it's almost like your guilt and shame is holding you back from being the best co-parent that you can be and being effective because there's a fear there of, you know, X, Y, Z.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_03: Mm-hmm.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_03: So let's talk a little bit about that contrast where he seems to have moved on quickly.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_03: I think that happens a lot for a lot of our listeners.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_03: He moves on super quickly, which not for nothing, I did too.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_03: That was part of how I coped, right?
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_03: I also moved on quickly, but not all of our listeners have that lived experience.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_03: But he moved on super quickly.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_03: His stuck for me.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_03: Like my ex married the woman he moved on with.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_03: I did not.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_03: That was like, it was a lily pad as I continued on my healing journey, right?
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_03: But he moves on quickly.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_03: You've got the kids, and helping the kids cope with their pain while he seemingly is like, they'll be fine, YOLO.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_03: But it does seem like husbands or fathers are able to sort of believe that kids are fine more than mothers are.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_02: I'm not sure if that's a blessing or a curse, or both.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_00: It's probably a bit of both.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: I think there's something there to it, yeah.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_00: Because the women are by nature more of a nourishing, nurturing relationship.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: And so they don't typically carry that emotional burden for their the children's nervous system.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: They get to wrestle on the ground and you know, right, like they get to be fun.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_00: So I do think that the moms carry more of that on the for the children, absorb that, protect that, nurture that.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, and so let's talk for a moment because we've seen a lot of exes move on quickly and bring women into children's lives, young children, adult children, grown children with their own children.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_03: We've seen it all in our programs, right?
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_03: With the women we work with.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_03: Pros or cons to that, right?
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_03: Like let's say your ex is not good at attunement, um, but you and your kids maybe feel betrayed by this new woman being in the picture.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_03: I think more often than not, children end up benefiting.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_03: Not always, right?
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_03: Maybe depends on the type of woman, but if everything's a vibrational match for, you know, chances are if dad's not super present or isn't have the capacity for emotional nuance or nurture, chances are him moving on is more likely to benefit your kids than not.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_03: Thoughts?
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_01: Is that a spicy hot take?
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_01: That is super accurate because I will say that there is no doubt in my mind that my daughter was cared for.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_01: She was cared for in a way that made me feel calm when she was at his house on the weekends.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_01: Like there was a clear difference between when he was in a relationship and when he wasn't.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_01: Or when he was married again and when he wasn't.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_01: And so I knew that the women that he picked, they were actually taking her out and spending time with her and doing things with her and caring for her, making sure that her hair was brushed and her teeth, but you know what I mean?
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_01: Like just things like that.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_01: There was like this clear black and white between the times when he was in his single adrenaline-seeking days versus the times when he was settled into a relationship.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_01: And even though I wasn't crazy about the idea of other women being around her, I certainly felt some sort of way a little bit more secure about her going there on the weekends when I knew that there was somebody else looking out for her.
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_00: What would you say to the women who are their their firefighters going off about the women who are around their children and the attachment of like in an uh the the revolving door of women?
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_00: Like, what would you say to them to kind of address that fear that they have?
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_01: I feel like at the end of the day, what I had to learn is that I could be the best mom that I could be in the world, and I had to be okay with his choices and how it would affect her.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_01: I had to be okay with it because I wasn't gonna control it.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_01: And so understanding too that there's two sides of the coin, your child can learn from a good example and they can learn from a bad example.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_01: Praise.
• 15:59
  SPEAKER_00: I love that so much.
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, absolutely.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_01: Because so much of my journey as a mom was attached to keeping her safe.
• 16:07
  SPEAKER_01: And when I realized that she was starting to go down a road and start, you know, when she started as an older child exhibiting symptoms of like issues and um things around her dad, um, being able to step outside of myself and not be guilty, but rather just see it as, you know, being able to help her through it instead of feeling like who sent an email out to our community members about that today, and it like gripped me.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_03: I was like, hot damn, if you are not on our email list, like, ooh, come on.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_01: But I feel like so many parents struggle with that.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_01: And it's like when, especially when we're starting to deal with teenagers and especially teenager, teenage girls to the moms.
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I don't know what it is, but there's something about that.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_01: And so I just encourage my clients when you want to lean out, and you are going to want to effing lean out, because the the issues that your children will have that are as a result of your divorce is gonna trigger something so intense in you, correct?
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_01: Those are the times to lean in.
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_01: Do not shy away from that because the longer you put it off, the more they're going to feel not seen, not heard, right?
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_03: This is the thing, right?
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_03: Is it's not a problem for us to experience pain in our lives, right?
• 17:23
  SPEAKER_03: Too often we're trying to spare ourselves and children pain.
• 17:26
  SPEAKER_03: That's not the problem.
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_03: To live is to feel a whole spectrum of things, positive things, painful things.
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_03: That is what it is to be human, right?
• 17:34
  SPEAKER_03: And pain isn't the problem.
• 17:36
  SPEAKER_03: It's when we internalize the pain as having a negative belief about ourselves.
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_03: I'm feeling this pain because I'm not safe.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_03: I'm feeling this pain because I'm not worth it.
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_03: I'm feeling this pain because I wasn't good enough.
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_03: I'm feeling this pain because I don't deserve love.
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_03: It's when we attach a negative belief about ourselves to the pain that it becomes a freaking problem.
• 17:54
  SPEAKER_03: So I've been talking about this lately with my own kid and social situations, the fifth grade.
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_03: I am experiencing the fifth grade grade as brutal.
• 18:02
  SPEAKER_03: Um, it seems to be like some transition year between like, you know, being an elementary kid and like, you know, a teen, right?
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_03: Where all of a sudden, like, she's really having to navigate friendships in a different way.
• 18:16
  SPEAKER_03: And that's the thing I keep coming back to with her is like, okay, this experience was painful, but it doesn't mean anything about who you are.
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_03: And it's helping them tease that out.
• 18:26
  SPEAKER_03: We can't protect them from pain.
• 18:27
  SPEAKER_03: We cannot, we don't have control.
• 18:30
  SPEAKER_03: But when we lean out, when we're supposed to lean in, when we can't talk about, when we don't have our own grounded self-worth, when we can't tell the difference ourselves between, you know, what's what's somebody else's shit versus what's our shit, right?
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_03: That's when we can't help our kids separate out.
• 18:48
  SPEAKER_03: This is not about who you are.
• 18:50
  SPEAKER_03: It's just about discernment.
• 18:52
  SPEAKER_03: It's about choosing, it's about what you're gonna choose to believe about yourself and the world and a higher power, right?
• 18:59
  SPEAKER_03: And that's where we have to do better as moms.
• 19:02
  SPEAKER_03: Not trying to spare them so much from pain, but being able to spot where they're starting to internalize it as a negative belief about themselves.
• 19:11
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 19:13
  SPEAKER_01: And especially I feel like, and I'll get into more of this on the Thursday episode, but I feel like if you were the one who left, if you were the one who made the decision to pull the trigger, if there are skeletons in your closet of things that you did in your marriage, and you are parenting or co-parenting out of a place of fear that he's gonna tell your kids, that's that's also hostage.
• 19:34
  SPEAKER_01: Hostage.
• 19:35
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, you gotta be at peace with it.
• 19:37
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 19:37
  SPEAKER_03: Everything that happens in the dark comes to light eventually.
• 19:40
  SPEAKER_03: Everything he's done or did or will do.
• 19:42
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 19:43
  SPEAKER_03: And same thing for us.
• 19:45
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 19:46
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 19:47
  SPEAKER_03: All right, let's talk for a moment about why playing the bigger person.
• 19:54
  SPEAKER_03: And and like this is a really rich, beautiful topic, right?
• 19:57
  SPEAKER_03: Because I think as women, we actually we have this two-sided relationship with being the bigger person, right?
• 20:05
  SPEAKER_03: We hate it, and I also think we like feel like we deserve a reward for it.
• 20:10
  SPEAKER_03: You know what I mean?
• 20:11
  SPEAKER_03: Like, like we sort of mart ourselves around it.
• 20:14
  SPEAKER_03: Like, no, no, no, no.
• 20:15
  SPEAKER_03: I'm tired of being the bigger person, but like somebody's gotta do it.
• 20:19
  SPEAKER_03: Somebody, he's not gonna do it.
• 20:21
  SPEAKER_03: I guess I'll do it, right?
• 20:22
  SPEAKER_03: But playing the bigger person is actually a mindset, it's a vibration, it's a vector, it's a frequency that is keeping the whole system stuck and sick, right?
• 20:32
  SPEAKER_03: There's a better way that is free of resentment, that's free of low vibe, right?
• 20:38
  SPEAKER_03: But let's talk about what that better way is and why being the bigger person is actually keeping us stuck and is not, and it's it's like um, I don't know if I want to say it's harming our children, but it's it's not good, it's not helping them.
• 20:53
  SPEAKER_00: That would be a I think there's I think there's something to harming them, even if it's teaching them the wrong way to do something, like it's not for their benefit.
• 21:04
  SPEAKER_03: But we do teach kids to be the bigger person, don't we?
• 21:07
  SPEAKER_01: Like that's a thing we say.
• 21:08
  SPEAKER_01: We say you gotta be the bigger person.
• 21:10
  SPEAKER_01: That's been drilled in me since I was a kid.
• 21:14
  SPEAKER_01: Take the high road, be the bigger person, be the better person.
• 21:17
  SPEAKER_01: And and let me just tell you like again, we say it all the time.
• 21:21
  SPEAKER_01: Your body will keep the score on that.
• 21:23
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 21:25
  SPEAKER_01: There is so much suppression that happens when you decide to take the high road and not speak your mind and not say the thing.
• 21:31
  SPEAKER_01: And I think that the way that you it affects your kids is because they also learn to keep their mouth shut.
• 21:37
  SPEAKER_03: Well, and also it's this so the victim triangle, uh, we should redo an episode on the codependency or victim triangle, right?
• 21:44
  SPEAKER_03: It's such a hot thing.
• 21:45
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, that's been a while since we've talked about that.
• 21:46
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, I think it's like season one or season two.
• 21:48
  SPEAKER_03: Maybe we'll re-release that one um here soon.
• 21:51
  SPEAKER_03: But the victim triangle, that's basically what that is, right?
• 21:54
  SPEAKER_03: When you're being the higher person, there's a better the rescuers take the high road.
• 21:59
  SPEAKER_03: I'm making a triangle if you're watching on YouTube, right?
• 22:02
  SPEAKER_03: But being the better person, it really just looks like I have a uterus here on the camera.
• 22:07
  SPEAKER_01: It does.
• 22:07
  SPEAKER_03: I was gonna say being the better person is one of the top corners on the triangle, right?
• 22:14
  SPEAKER_03: And it assumes that there is a worse person, which is the victim on the triangle, right?
• 22:19
  SPEAKER_03: So, victim rescuer, persecutor, man, we really gotta talk about this again soon.
• 22:23
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 22:24
  SPEAKER_03: So, victim rescuer, persecutor, rescuer or persecutor is being the better person, which implies that there's and and really an autonomous, empowered person doesn't need a better than or a worse than.
• 22:38
  SPEAKER_03: It means I know who I am, I have a grounded sense of worth, I know that an intelligent creator created me to have some purpose and an authentic fingerprint version of me, right?
• 22:49
  SPEAKER_03: I am uniquely me in this lifetime, and I'm gonna live into that, and I'm gonna explore into that, and I'm gonna feel into that, and I'm gonna get to know more of who that person is, and I'm not gonna compare myself with the person next to me or the person over here because all of that is just perpetuating that there's a winner and a loser, there's a better and a worse, versus me being the most authentic, empowered, loving version of myself that I can be with myself, with you, all of that, right?
• 23:16
  SPEAKER_03: And so codependency says there has to be a winner and a loser.
• 23:20
  SPEAKER_03: Codependency says, I need to feel better than you do.
• 23:23
  SPEAKER_03: Codependency says, I have to rescue you, you can't do it on your own.
• 23:27
  SPEAKER_03: Codependency says, You have to rescue me, I can't do it on my own, right?
• 23:31
  SPEAKER_03: And divorce is just so rife with us sort of toggling, dancing constantly between I can't do it on my own, and no, you can't do it on your own, you know.
• 23:39
  SPEAKER_03: And it's not healthy secure attachment.
• 23:42
  SPEAKER_03: Secure attachment says, I am, you are, and we can.
• 23:49
  SPEAKER_03: And I believe in you, and I believe in me, and I believe that even if shit goes sideways, we can prevail.
• 23:56
  SPEAKER_03: We can thrive.
• 23:57
  SPEAKER_03: Even if, even if, even if.
• 23:59
  SPEAKER_03: What else would y'all add about the high road and the suppression or the lack of authenticity?
• 24:08
  SPEAKER_03: Or how we use that to protect our egos.
• 24:11
  SPEAKER_03: That's really it, right?
• 24:12
  SPEAKER_03: We use it to protect our egos.
• 24:13
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 24:14
  SPEAKER_00: I was literally about ready to ask what the difference is in the high road and picking your battles.
• 24:21
  SPEAKER_00: Because there are it's powerful, it's powerful to walk away sometimes or not necessarily have to address this particular issue that you're handling.
• 24:32
  SPEAKER_00: So like speaking to that, because as a listener, I would justify or I would um you know defend.
• 24:44
  SPEAKER_00: Defend I'm just picking my battles.
• 24:48
  SPEAKER_00: Because situationally, sometimes you do just need to pick your battles.
• 24:52
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, I think it's about the letting go piece, right?
• 24:55
  SPEAKER_03: Like you can, you can, oh, find your words, Don.
• 25:00
  SPEAKER_03: You can play, pretend at picking your battles, but if you're ruminating, if your spleen is freaking enlarged, right?
• 25:07
  SPEAKER_02: Or if your liver is clogged and you are angry and resentful and ruminating, and then also your kidneys are activated.
• 25:14
  SPEAKER_02: Can't wait till we record the episode about how to solve all this shit.
• 25:17
  SPEAKER_03: But um, so if you have multiple organ systems activated, that's not actually the high road you're saying you're meaning to take, right?
• 25:28
  SPEAKER_03: Because quote unquote taking the high road, I think, in the way we're we're saying we mean to portray means it feels clean and clear.
• 25:36
  SPEAKER_03: We've let go, we've unhooked.
• 25:37
  SPEAKER_03: So we watched one of the women we work with currently, right, struggle with her ex and them signing an agreement recently, right?
• 25:45
  SPEAKER_03: And her ex just started melting down and all of a sudden was arguing with her, arguing with her, arguing with her.
• 25:49
  SPEAKER_03: Like he requested this divorce, he initiated this divorce, he stepped out on the marriage, and then when it came down to actually signing the paperwork, he could not stop picking a fight with her.
• 26:00
  SPEAKER_03: And that's because he couldn't let go, right?
• 26:04
  SPEAKER_03: He couldn't do the actual thing he thought he wanted.
• 26:07
  SPEAKER_03: When it came down to it, all the feelings came forward.
• 26:10
  SPEAKER_03: And I think that's what happens for us as women.
• 26:12
  SPEAKER_03: Also, maybe we do it a little differently.
• 26:14
  SPEAKER_03: Maybe we would have saved more face.
• 26:15
  SPEAKER_03: Maybe we'd have had an image manager that would have protected us from doing all that nonsense at the finish line, but maybe not.
• 26:21
  SPEAKER_03: I think that when we are actually clean and clear about something, when we've actually learned to let go, we can actually put it down and it doesn't haunt us, it doesn't rent space in our brains for hours.
• 26:36
  SPEAKER_03: Beautifully said.
• 26:37
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, yeah.
• 26:38
  SPEAKER_01: And I think one of the things that I have clients go back to a lot when they say, Oh no, I've over that situation or it's fine.
• 26:45
  SPEAKER_01: I have them visualize going back to that moment.
• 26:48
  SPEAKER_01: So visualize going back to that moment where you quote unquote picked your battle and walked away.
• 26:53
  SPEAKER_01: And does it still feel activating in your system?
• 26:55
  SPEAKER_01: Do you still feel anxiety?
• 26:57
  SPEAKER_01: Or does your body say no?
• 26:58
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 26:59
  SPEAKER_03: Let's do that for a moment right now.
• 27:00
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, so everybody slow down.
• 27:01
  SPEAKER_03: If you're not, if you're driving, like drive.
• 27:03
  SPEAKER_03: Drive the car, okay?
• 27:04
  SPEAKER_03: But if you can, I want you to start what you're doing for a moment.
• 27:08
  SPEAKER_03: I want you to take a breath.
• 27:13
  SPEAKER_03: Get into your body, do a quick body scan, top of the head, check your forehead, your jaw, your throat, your chest, your hands, your stomach, your glutes, your legs, your feet.
• 27:25
  SPEAKER_03: Land in your body.
• 27:28
  SPEAKER_03: Go back to that most recent moment where you were the bigger person.
• 27:37
  SPEAKER_03: And from a place of presence, rather than defending or suppressing, what does your body say?
• 27:51
  SPEAKER_03: What does your mind say?
• 27:53
  SPEAKER_03: Because for some of us whose bodies and minds are disassociated, those wires have gotten unhooked and they need to be reconnected or reintegrated.
• 28:02
  SPEAKER_03: Maybe your mind starts looping erasing.
• 28:06
  SPEAKER_03: So a racing mind is an indicator of activation, a racing heart, an indicator of activation, right?
• 28:12
  SPEAKER_03: What does your body mind say about that moment where you were the bigger person?
• 28:20
  SPEAKER_03: Bigger the bigger person is just an act of suppression or bypassing.
• 28:24
  SPEAKER_03: It is not an integrated recovery methodology.
• 28:31
  SPEAKER_03: So just noting what you're feeling here and then ask yourself: do I have a solution?
• 28:37
  SPEAKER_03: Do I have a tool or a solution that works for this pain I am experiencing?
• 28:43
  SPEAKER_03: And if I don't, am I willing to have one?
• 28:48
  SPEAKER_03: Am I a member of Cocoon?
• 28:50
  SPEAKER_03: Am I doing the premium Thursday episodes where we do the releasing of these things?
• 28:57
  SPEAKER_03: Am I using somatic tools?
• 28:59
  SPEAKER_03: Am I being homeopathy curious?
• 29:01
  SPEAKER_03: Am I leaning into the tools that are going to unhook it?
• 29:04
  SPEAKER_03: Or am I like that woman's ex, soon-to-be ex who couldn't sign the paperwork and is unconsciously staying in the conflict because that's how your brain map currently is wired.
• 29:17
  SPEAKER_03: And you don't even realize it.
• 29:21
  SPEAKER_03: Ooh, hot damn.
• 29:22
  SPEAKER_03: All right, you can let that practice go.
• 29:26
  SPEAKER_03: Shake it off, like literally shake your hands out, shake your feet out, and just notice, right?
• 29:30
  SPEAKER_03: Like, we don't want you carrying this shit.
• 29:31
  SPEAKER_03: Like, this is the stuff that you're bypassing, and then you're gonna carry into your dating life, or unconsciously carry into your interactions with your kids, your grandkids, or whomever.
• 29:39
  SPEAKER_03: These are the things that are driving the nervous system patterns, the shitty sleep, the hormone dysfunction.
• 29:47
  SPEAKER_03: Like, this is the stuff right here.
• 29:49
  SPEAKER_03: It's all connected.
• 29:49
  SPEAKER_03: This is what's keeping your spleen inflamed.
• 29:53
  SPEAKER_03: We're done with that over here.
• 29:58
  SPEAKER_03: All right, and there it is, love.
• 30:00
  SPEAKER_03: We have named the unfairness, the lopsided load, the way co-parenting keeps slicing open the thing you are working really hard to heal.
• 30:09
  SPEAKER_03: And I know we know you have felt that recognition in your chest today.
• 30:13
  SPEAKER_03: And that's sacred.
• 30:15
  SPEAKER_03: But knowing isn't the same as integrating.
• 30:20
  SPEAKER_03: Your knowing is not the same as integrating, and your body and your spirit deserve more than surface relief.
• 30:26
  SPEAKER_03: They deserve solutions that close this wound for once and for all.
• 30:30
  SPEAKER_03: So if today's episode stirred something and you're ready to stop carrying it alone, join us in premium for$5 a month.
• 30:37
  SPEAKER_03: This Thursday's panel rant will dive straight into that raw, fairness rage we have touched on here.
• 30:42
  SPEAKER_03: You will hear more of our intimate stories, um, stuff that belongs behind a paywall for a reason.
• 30:48
  SPEAKER_03: And then the hands-on tools, the layered homeopathic support.
• 30:52
  SPEAKER_03: We're gonna dig into all of that.
• 30:53
  SPEAKER_03: And of course, this month's live workshop guidance to move the energy out of your tissues and into your power.
• 30:59
  SPEAKER_03: No more waiting for him to change.
• 31:02
  SPEAKER_03: This is where the shift becomes embodied in the workshops and in the Thursday episodes.
• 31:07
  SPEAKER_03: Thank you for being here.
• 31:09
  SPEAKER_03: If this episode helped, we would love a quick written review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify.
• 31:14
  SPEAKER_03: It helps other midlife women find us when they're drowning in the same ink.
• 31:19
  SPEAKER_03: Same ache.
• 31:22
  SPEAKER_03: Until next time, keep tending to your beautiful, brave heart, and we'll meet you right back here soon.
• 31:29
  SPEAKER_03: We love you so much.
• 31:30
  SPEAKER_03: Peace.